The Married Single Mom

by mssinglemama on November 16, 2008

I am a former married single mother.

Which is why I am now an unmarried single mother.

The only difference – I now have half of the laundry and half of the dishes to clean. Seriously. When your husband contributes very little around the house, when you’re the one driving the kids to and from everything and then at the end of the night when he isn’t even there for you emotionally, but actually makes you feel worse – it’s easy to feel like a single mother when you’re married.

Married mothers tell me this all of the time, “I feel like a single mom!”

I bite my lip and try not to scream, “Why in the hell are you with him then? Get out! It’s awesome over here. You could be free – of him.” Instead, I nod slowly and listen, trying to put myself back in that spot – that tough spot – when you can’t decide whether or not you should leave. So I ask, “Will he try counseling?” The answer is almost always, “No way.”

I give them all of the positive support and advice I can muster but sometimes, from the outside looking in – especially when you’ve been there, it’s clear they’d be better off single. But I can’t make the choice for them. Everyone has to do what they need to do and should exhaust all options before ending a marriage.

Some married single mothers aren’t even fighting anymore. They’ve given up entirely on improving their marriage after meeting road block after road block from their husbands. As a result, they’ve conceded to the fact that this is their life and have committed themselves to this terminal diagnosis – “til death do us part.” My opinion on this is clear… I’ve said it before – to hell with religious beliefs, to hell with what your friends and family think – men need to step up or get the hell out, and if not then get rid of them. Why?

Because being a single mother is far better than being a miserably married mother. And your children need to see you happy, both of you happy.

With that said, I have met so many single fathers who clearly didn’t deserve to be left. So there are definitely magnificent husbands out there being neglected as well, but that’s another topic for another post. Back to the single married mothers…

Will you be instantly happier if you leave your husband? No. Divorce is hell. The entire process is hell. But once the dust settles the days will be brighter and so will the future. Just get a good attorney.

Here’s a story a friend shared after leaving her husband recently, “Now I can finally eat crunchy peanut butter again. I know it sounds silly, but he hated crunchy peanut butter so I never bought it – it just makes me so happy – this stupid jar of peanut butter, I can’t stop eating it. Isn’t that crazy?”

No, it isn’t crazy at all. What sounds crazy is staying in a relationship with a man who won’t let you buy crunchy peanut butter. Or one, in which, you give up everything you love for him and receive nothing in return.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long, long time. Because I think of them often – the married mothers who are still there, dreaming of leaving but giving him time to change. They are prisoners, sometimes slaves to the relationship, trapped in a cage with someone who won’t help them climb out, someone who doesn’t care enough to fight with you to make it work. And that sucks.

This post may come off as harsh to some (men) but I could care less. Many of you need to step up to your responsibilities as husbands and fathers and stop acting like boys. And for God’s sakes – consider marriage counseling.

More advice on whether or not you should leave your husband.

Photo Credit: [Pregnancy Depression Help.]

Related posts:

  1. Married people are weird (for the most part).
  2. Can single moms have married friends?
  3. The man I should have married.
  4. Oh, those married people…
  5. Why I am a single mother.

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{ 85 comments… read them below or add one }

Lex November 16, 2008 at 10:20 am

It wasn’t my choice to be left behind. After spending a lot of time trying and hoping and praying… I’m finally recognizing just what you are saying in this post. I am liberated. I was most definitely already a “single” parent. I think I’ll go buy some crunchy peanut butter today.

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Abraham October 20, 2012 at 6:37 am

Lex,
I read through your note on this site and i really feel for you.
I pray the Lord will help you the more. Also we thank this site for taking-up an issue as this and others.
I wish i could contact you directly, my mail is abrahamtundeking@yahoo.co.uk
Regards to your kids and all around you
Abe

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Laura November 16, 2008 at 11:18 am

I have to DITTO this whole post!

I made a similiar one a while back!

I have this conversation with so many married friends – men and women!

I dont get it! Yes it took me a while to decide to leave – but I DID it! I realised that I DIDNT want to be unhappy for every! As much for my kids as for myself!!!

Just want to add that women also need to start standing up and saying “I LIKE crunchy peanut butter so I WILL buy it and I WILL eat it with spoon out the bottle. If you dont like it dont watch”

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Katie November 16, 2008 at 1:29 pm

OMG. I could have written this post, albeit not nearly as eloquently as you did. While my ex and I were never married on paper, we had the baby, the house, the dog, the picket fence, etc. and I am so happy we are no longer together. Our ds gets to see both of us happy and ultimately better off. He has found someone whom I adore and who is a wonderful influence in our son’s life and while I have yet to find Mr. Right, I do believe he is out there and if not, I am still happy.

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Anonymous November 16, 2008 at 1:49 pm

AMEN!! This is somehting I’d thought about writing but just hadn’t found the right words for yet. I left before the N-Man was old enough to realize his parents marriage was a disaster and could remember us yelling at each other. Far FAR better for children to grow up in separate homes with happy parents then in a home that is depressed and full of tension. And it takes far more courage to walk away than to sit and take it indefinately.

And I’d like to add that being a single mother of one REAL child is much easier than being in a marriage with a child and a grown up who acts like a child and needs a mother, not a wife. My work load was cut in half when I left!

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Cyndi November 16, 2008 at 1:50 pm

Ooops… that was me. :::points up:::

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Laura November 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm

Thank you for so eloquently summing up my life during the past three years! I will be printing this entry out as a reminder of how far I’ve come :) Literally, there is not ONE SENTENCE in this post that didn’t describe my relationship with my husband – it makes me sad though to think that so many people will be able to relate to it. Although, the great news is that it does get better – much better :)

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Jim H. November 16, 2008 at 4:39 pm

Again, a different perspective:

If you really think about it, was the guy you married really husband material?

It’s evident in this line: “…dreaming of leaving but giving him time to change”. Change???

Most of you probably married the “bad boy” expecting him to change into the “responsible husband”. They don’t change.

And some of you might say “But he was a lot of fun when we were dating – but now, five years and two kids later, he’s changed.” No, he hasn’t. The situation changed. This is how he reacts. Face it, family life is mostly a dream for women, not men.

And if we’re talking about “men” in their early to mid 20′s, well, they’re not really “men” yet. They are just what you think they are: large boys. Don’t marry them. Tell your friends not to marry them. And don’t be suprised when they don’t “get with the program”.

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Heather November 16, 2008 at 5:33 pm

Amen.

I have to hold back laughter when I get the “Oh, it must be so hard” comments after people learn that I’m single. My life got WAY easier when I finally got out of the bad relationship. Sure, there were new challenges to deal with, but having a clear head and the absense of constant emotional torture allowed me to take on all of the new challenges with optimism and confidence.

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Amy Nathan November 16, 2008 at 6:04 pm

When married moms say their spouses don’t help, that they know what it’s like because the hubz works all the time etc., I have learned to bite my lip.

Not only do they not know, they don’t understand how much deeper single parenting goes than being a married parent with a workaholic/busy/asshole husband. (any or all of those can apply)

I feel like I have spent years wasting my energy. You want to think you know what it’s like. Go for it. You know, when you go out to dinner w/ another adult, when you have someone to help you take a kid to the ER, when you have that second income in your home, when you have someone to share the joys and heartaches of your kids with.

Yep, they know just how it is. Uh huh.

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Kimberly October 6, 2011 at 10:02 am

that wasn’t what the article was about. maybe you should go to Eharmony.com instead.

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Sparkle April 16, 2012 at 1:07 am

“I feel like I have spent years wasting my energy. You want to think you know what it’s like. Go for it. You know, when you go out to dinner w/ another adult, when you have someone to help you take a kid to the ER, when you have that second income in your home, when you have someone to share the joys and heartaches of your kids with.”

I’m not sure if I’m getting the right perception from your reply to this post Amy Nathan but from what it looks like, I’m going to reply based on what I got from this.

The point being the “husband” ISN’T doing any of those things. I for one definitely appreciate a hard working man. That being said I appreciate a man even more for coming home and realizing the reason WHY he’s a hard working man is for the FAMILY that he helped create. Whether the wife is a SAHM, WAHM, WOHM, she works and works hard. The “husband” should never be exempt from participating because he’s “tired”… So is she! Of course there is give and take, that’s a given. But the responsibility to keep a family running should not rest solely or majority on one of the two partners. And from what I gather about meaningful, long-lasting relationships, is that both people have to participate fully to make it a wonderful experience for all. Otherwise, someone may just end up getting left… Like apparently if you read below, several people did.

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Shiona November 16, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Amen. Well written. I had these same thoughts when deciding to leave my husband. I’m not going to get counseling and you have to deal with it. I think not…

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Sparkle April 16, 2012 at 1:15 am

I concur… I talked, begged, pleaded for YEARS for my ex and I to get counseling. His answer? Same as yours… And THEN, get this?? When I finally seriously filed the paperwork for divorce all of a sudden he wanted to “try whatever it takes, including counseling”… Then harassed me for weeks on end claiming that I “didn’t do everything in my power to save the marriage” and that he was… HA please!! Cry me a river because mine has dried up. Sorry buddy, that ship sailed and apparently you weren’t on it.

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Marie C. November 16, 2008 at 8:21 pm

I married “the responsible guy” who insisted he wanted kids, marriage, the white picket fence … turns out he wanted the show of being married so that he could play “poor misunderstood husband” to naive young women. He lied about everything. Told me years later, “Hell, yea, I lied. You wouldn’t have married me if I hadn’t spouted that s*&^%.”

I called myself a “married single mom” for years, and I suffered from severe depression throughout it. Now I have a wonderful guy who was one of those neglected husbands. (I’ve met his ex, so I know) Now I know what I was missing for all those years, and I’m so happy.

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Valerie November 16, 2008 at 8:27 pm

Great post! I don’t know how my married single mom friends do it. I did it for 6 months and luckily my son’s father decided to leave (because he didn’t want to be tied down). I felt too overwhelmed with my baby to ask him to leave. Once he left, I realized how much easier it was. He did so little around the house that I was relieved to not have to take care of another person on top of caring for my baby, the house, and working full time out of town. For example, I had to ask him to watch our baby in between nursing so I could go shovel snow. It is so much better to just have to take care of my son and myself.

He controlled things too. I can totally relate to the crunchy peanut butter! When I was on bed rest when I was pregnant, he decided that he didn’t feel like going to the store because it was his day off. When he finally decided to go to the store, days later, he got the items on the list that he felt were necessary to buy. I gave him money for the groceries, I just couldn’t physically go to the store. That was so hard to depend on someone like that. He was very helpful and nice in the beginning. I had no idea he would be this way or I would have never been with him. I am going to send this post to all my married single mom friends!

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Miriam November 16, 2008 at 10:49 pm

Hi, married mom here… with a helping husband… just wanted to say I think you rock. Great job taking charge of what’s best for your family.

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Laura November 17, 2008 at 12:51 am

Sorry, I don’t usually do this, but Jim H….regarding the “change” comment. I totally get where you’re coming from and will be the first one to say that you shouldn’t marry someone hoping that they’ll “change” some day…I married my husband the way he was. I completely accepted who he was and didn’t need him to “change”.

What did happen though, when we had our son, is that life did change for us. In ways that neither of us could predict. We no longer could live the life that we were living before because, well, life changes when you have a child. What happened is that I had to change because of the babies’ needs and he didn’t “change” thus, leaving me to feel like a single married mom.

So the way I see it is that we both needed to change to become parents and only one of us did. So you’re “The situation changed, this is how he reacts.” comment is a cop-out as far as I’m concerned. I changed in ways that I didn’t necessarily want to, but I had to because that’s what needed to happen when you bring another human into this world.

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Sheila November 17, 2008 at 2:32 am

Amen and hallelujah….

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Cortney November 17, 2008 at 6:37 am

Apperantly were not single moms if we are or were married thats what i was told.but that hole blog is true

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Jim H. November 17, 2008 at 6:38 am

I understand what you’re saying, Laura, and I mostly agree with it – meaning that yes, there definitely will be changes when you have children!

The problem is that no one can predict how your spouse (yes, women too) will react to a situation they’ve never been in before. Some men will step up and be the father they need to be. And some won’t.

Another comment: A lot of men feel “pushed” into marriage & children. By their wife, but also by their family, etc. Not that it makes it right. Just sayin’

For my part, I adopted my wife’s son when he was 4. I was 22. We adopted two more boys. We were married for 15 years. I love being a dad! I loved being a husband. My wife lost interest in me, in the house, in our way of life. I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she wouldn’t. Maybe I was the “married single mother” of this story!

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Cortney November 17, 2008 at 6:39 am

Its crap that people are telling me i’m not a single mom if i’m married my husband is deployed right now to Iraq its hard we have a 2month old and hes missing everything

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Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) November 17, 2008 at 7:07 am

This truly is a tough place to be. It’s been five years ago for me and I remember all too well how difficult the decision was to leave. My hearts and prayers go out for these women (and yes men) that have to make the tough decisions and take a stand for themselves and their self-respect. The respect that may have been lost in the process.

Thanks for recognizing them and acknowledging them, Alaina.

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Wyliekat November 17, 2008 at 7:13 am

I genuinely think that some people cannot handle the change that comes with parenthood. It’s probably the single toughest test of a relationship, and if you’re not completely prepared for the sheer amount of work involved, you’re in trouble. And if you can’t get it together once you realize how much committment is required, well . . . then you pull a swan dive, much like my ex. You give all kinds of poofy reasons for your departure, but it’s obvious that you simply cannot handle the change.

Men seem to have it harder in our generation. The model of “what came before” in their fathers doesn’t cut it anymore. You can’t work a full day, come home to a full meal and proceed to lounge on the couch until bedtime. It Ain’t On. So while I don’t have a ton of sympathy for the men out there who do nothing in their parenting roles, I do think there’s a sociological support for their struggle.

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T November 17, 2008 at 7:50 am

This sort of links into the the post I wrote today about a book I’m reading. We tend to give so much of ourselves and receive nothing in return. We end up resenting them for it when the decision is ours… all along it was us. We can’t really blame them can we? We can certainly decide to move forward, as frightening as it is. And survive. And grow. And be happy.

Anyway, great post Alaina. Good insights.

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kayla November 17, 2008 at 7:51 am

I can relate that is for sure. That is one of the reasons i got divorced. If you are going to pull everything your self then why not cut the bills and everything else in half and make it easier on your self, except sometimes it is harder on the kids.

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Jim H. November 17, 2008 at 8:06 am

To echo what Wyliekat says, it is different now.

…but why? My dad worked as a machinist for 40+ hours a week, then came home and worked on our hobby farm. My mom stayed home and took care of the house and the kids. My dad fell asleep on the couch every night. If I think about it, my dad didn’t do a whole lot of parenting. I did farming things with him, he took me to the movies on a semi-regular basis, we went to auctions.

But it was my mom that did most of the parenting. I always knew my dad loved me. And I respected him. Still do. We have a great relationship today.

But, like it has been pointed out, that model seems to be out the window for most of America. Why? What was wrong with it? And before we start getting all women’s liberation on me, know this: My mom ruled the roost. They worked together, but it’s the old saying: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Why does the old model “not cut it anymore?”

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Ms. Single Mama November 17, 2008 at 8:12 am

Jim H.

Because now Mom has to work as well.

The average American family can’t make it on one salary alone, so… for some that scenario still exists but for most – we are now looking at a different structure at home.

Not sure if it’s good or bad, but it’s what we all need to do – adapt until we are able to live on one salary again.

Thanks for the comments everyone!

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Leah November 17, 2008 at 9:30 am

Thanks for this awesome post! I think it’s hard to imagine how life could be better after divorce – which is why I stayed in a sucky marriage so long, and why I think so many other women are hesitant to change the status quo. It’s that whole thing about how the devil you know if better than the one you don’t. So we need to be living examples that there is life after divorce and once the hellish period subsides, it is pretty damn good, a whole lot of the time.

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jecomax December 5, 2009 at 9:11 am

why depend on God for full satisfaction

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Angel November 17, 2008 at 12:09 pm

Dude, that was my motto when I was getting divorced and explaining to friends and family … “I did not get married to be a single mom…”. Wonderful post!

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pisceshanna November 17, 2008 at 12:24 pm

I hate the presumption that women are “cut out” for marriage and guys just don’t want it. I was the stupid 20-something, party-animal, who dated the bad boy who got unexpectedly pregnant. However, I didn’t force him into marriage. He proposed to me. We never did get married, and I was just as scared and unprepared for a child as he was. Life changes for BOTH parents, its not like mom just immediately becomes a pro at cooking, cleaning, mothering as soon as the kid arrives, or the wedding band is on.

The arrival of a baby isn’t easy for ANYONE. Unfortunately the mom physically, mentally and emotionally HAS to change (unless she ababons her kid), and its a lot easier for the father to run scared. The moms don’t have a choice.

My whole mantra was “at least we’re in this together” as hard and scary as it was to have a baby. Sadly, he didn’t share that philosophy. He just wanted a new life.

I was single from the moment I got myself (according to him) pregnant.

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Leslie November 17, 2008 at 1:01 pm

Wow, great topic. I love you guys, so insightful!

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Kelly November 17, 2008 at 1:41 pm

I didn’t realize that there are so many others out there with situations like I had. It’s sad to see but at least I don’t feel like I gave up too soon. I’ve come to realize that people’s base personalities don’t change. Some habits and behavior can be altered, but if someone is selfish and needs to be taken care of, that doesn’t change. After my divorce I almost married a man that I would have been right back in the same situation, plus another two kids! Understand your own role in picking guys with those personality traits and watch for those red flags.

The world has changed. Two incomes are needed to keep up in the lifestyle our parents had with one income. Moms have had to adapt and change, fathers need to as well. Moms need partners, not another person to take care of.

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carolline March 15, 2009 at 3:45 pm

I guess two incomes really are not necessary as evidenced by all those working women who divorced the other income!

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Jessica Bern November 17, 2008 at 2:33 pm

My only regret in leaving him was that I didn’t leave sooner. It’s been 4 years and I still mourn the loss even though the marriage was on life -support from day one and I pulled the plug.

It’s true. Some people don ‘t have a clue what life will be like with a kid. You either step up to the plate or you start drinking and drugging like mine did after 17 years of sobriety.

My worst days single are about the same as my good days married. Thanks for a great post.

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Samantha November 17, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Wow can I relate to this post. I was a single mom before I got married. I thought married life would be the best thing for me and my kids. Boy was in for the shock of my life!

All I did was acquire another child and ended up miserable. Now that I am single again I am much happier and my life couldn’t be better.

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Mike November 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm

As a guy who has been in this situation, if I may I’d like to give out a piece of advise to those “single married women” out there.

I also took my marriage (the first one) for granted and didn’t work on it. When my wife first mentioned “divorce” it shook me up enough to understand I could lose it all, my wife, my children, my life.

Unfortunately, by the time I woke up and put the necessary effort into it, it was too late and she had moved on to “greener pastures.”

Sometimes a guy needs a very big nudge to get them to understand they have a lot to lose if they don’t get their “act together.”

Just my two cents…

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Munchichi March 28, 2009 at 7:12 pm

Thank you, Mike. I'm currently one of the "single married mothers" trying to figure out what is best for me and my son. I've asked my husband for help, even asked him to do specific tasks (like change a diaper once and a while), and all I get in return is yelled at. He works all day, comes home to a cooked meal and a clean house, and plays X-Box until bedtime. No diapers, no playtime, no comforting a crying baby – that's my job. He had to work all day while I "sit at home on my ass" as he tells his friends.

Asking isn't working. Being upset isn't working. I need to do what you say and tell him what he's about to lose. Will things change? Probably not. But at least I can go out knowing that I gave him every opportunity to put on his big-boy pants and act like a man.

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EJ/Txgambit November 17, 2008 at 5:41 pm

Yes, yes, yes! Totally!!!! When we first separated, I realized that I had wasted FAR too much time being unhappy and I should have left a long time ago.

Like your example, being able to buy the kind of peanut butter I LIKE! is a big deal! Or the kind of bread and not having to justify all my purchases to him…. Even better!

Don’t waste time being unhappy when the answer is so clear.

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mssinglemama November 17, 2008 at 7:24 pm

Everyone read Mike’s comment – very, very wise words. Sometimes men just need a good kick in the ass.

I gave my ex several but he never “got it” – however, I did try my best to knock some sense into him before I left. Picking up and just leaving in the middle of the night is definitely not advised.

XOXO

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julie November 17, 2008 at 10:14 pm

A woman once told me she felt so sorry for me because I was a single mom. She couldn’t IMAGINE how I got by on my own. In the next breath, she was complaining about how her husband never helped around the house or with the kids, spent too much time on the computer, wouldn’t go anywhere with her, only “let” her hang out with her friends if she could find a babysitter, and insisted on having his dinner ready by 5:30pm every night.

It took every ounce of restraint to keep from saying what I was really thinking…

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Jim H. November 18, 2008 at 6:56 am

I’m workin’ a different angle here…

To Kelly’s comment, about how we have to have two incomes to keep up the lifestyle our parents had:

My parents didn’t have a cell phone bill.
They didn’t have an Internet bill.
They didn’t have a cable TV bill.
A vacation was somewhere that could be driven to within 6 hours. Once a year, tops.
They didn’t drink, or go out to bars.
They didn’t go out to eat unless we all went (seldom).
We went out for fast food maybe 4 times a year. They bought groceries and we ate at home.
They had older used vehicles. Sometimes just 1 between them.
We went to the movies maybe 3 times a year.

We also had a lot of fun. I had a great childhood!

My point is, if you really think about it, we don’t have the lifestyle of our parents. We do more, and must have more. We’re not keeping up with them, we’re keeping up with our peers. I’m guilty of it too. This is why we need two incomes.

- Jim H.

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jamie's optomistic November 18, 2008 at 8:40 am

This is insane!!! Why do i feel like the only person, well mother, in the world with these same issues. And there are so many of us out there! It makes leaving, and getting on with your life so much happier and easier with friends who have been through similiar situations. A friend of mine went through it within a week i did, it was crazy, we partied together (aka celebrated freedom), cried together, debated taking them back together, and moved on together it was great. She found someone and i havent yet but she gives me hope! I love being single, no one telling me to turn the tv off at night b/c he can’t sleep. I fall asleep now every night with the tv on b/c i can. Its really the best feeling, at the end of the day you know you don’t have to settle and MR. SUPPORTIVE, CARING, LOVING, NURTURING, HARD WORKING, DOESN’T HAVE ANXIETY, NON COMPLAINING, EQUAL HOUSEHOLD SHARING, LAUNDRY DOING, MAN IS OUT THERE!!! i just have to be patient and focus on loving my kids and being a great mom, and he will find me!! : )

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Kelly November 18, 2008 at 9:51 pm

to Jim H.

As for your first three- agreed and guilty. As for the rest- not so true for all of us. My parents had a very active social life, sometimes with, sometimes without the kids.

My main point from earlier is that both partners need to step up and do their fair share. Whether that be one stays home or both work, the responsibilties need to be divvied-up equally. That does not mean each chore is shared 50-50, but that overall the labor is divided equally. It also needs to be a mutual decision to have one income or two and how to divide the household stuff from there.

My goal is to teach both my kids (one boy, one girl) how to be a partner. They each need to know how to do all the chores and they also need to know how to discuss and negotiate with a partner someday. My girl will know how to change the oil and mow the lawn and my boy will know how to load a dishwasher and do the laundry and vice versa.

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Jim H. November 19, 2008 at 6:39 am

Kelly,
I totally agree.

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spanglishmama November 20, 2008 at 1:17 am

I love LOVE this post. I’m so feeling you on this!

You have put into words what I’ve been trying to explain not only to myself but to those around me. I left my “baby’s dad” this summer and now I’m am so f’ing HAPPY I can be ME again!

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Speedgirl November 22, 2008 at 10:20 pm

The other day, my 7 year old son asked my why his dad and I got divorced. This is always going to be a tough one to answer, and I know it will come up over several times as my children grow up. Recalling several recent post-Daddy weekend conversations with my crying son, I asked him, “Do you know how you feel when you want to do something with Daddy, but he just watches tv?” And my little man said, “Oh, so you got divorced because you didn’t like feeling alone when you were with him.”

My divorce was finalized almost 4 years ago – one month before my youngest turned one. It has been tough on me, and tough on my kids, but it is SO much better than being alone in my marriage. And this conversation with my son proved to me that it is better for my children to have a single mom who is stressed, but has HOPE, instead of a married mom who is stressed and miserable. I couldn’t let my babies grow up thinking marriage meant a couple lives together as almost strangers.

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2greatkids September 1, 2009 at 12:19 pm

speedgirl!!! your post just made my day!! i hope you get my email and perhaps we can exchange stories. When I tell people my husband didnt beat me and we didnt fight and he was financially supportive (although I was the breadwinner)…no one can understand why I am divorcing him. We were like roommates for years… I told him that from time to time but nothing changed. we ended up with 2 kids and 2 laptops…after the kids were asleep, each of us was on a laptop. Not a marriage by any stretch of the imagination. i LOVED your post about what you told your 7 yr old. I have a 5 year old and as he gets through this, he asks more and more questions. It breaks my heart everytime and makes me understand why people stay for the kids (guilt feelings) but I realize life is not a dress rehearsal and this is it… I am not wasting my life on someone who wants to put me on the back burner after only a couple years of marriage together, taking me (and my salary and health benefits) for granted. Ugh. Great post – thanks so much!!!!

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mistake#2 November 30, 2008 at 9:02 am

My first marriage ended with a man that didn’t help with the children because he was either drunk or acted like he didn’t know how. Those children are now teenagers – but what did I go and do? Married a younger man, had another baby at the age of 38 and am basically a single mom AGAIN because he works 80 hours a week leaving me without any intimacy in my life, no companionship or any amount of help. He barely knows HIS baby. I do everything alone! He worked alot before, but it has gotten worse since we married a little over a year ago. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to divorce twice…. but truthfully, I lose myself when I am in a relationship – and I want myself back. He isn’t here to help with anything anyway. My teenage son does more than him!

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mssinglemama December 1, 2008 at 5:04 am

Mistake #2:

Sounds like you should have a very serious talk with husband #2…

One thing – don’t let the “shame” of having 2 divorces under your belt keep you from divorcing him. There’s nothing to be ashamed about – we ALL make mistakes.

In a good relationship you wouldn’t lose yourself.

Another thing though – find yourself again before you leave him – get it together first.

Good luck!

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Justin December 1, 2008 at 11:20 pm

Well I am the married single parent and I am a man. My wife is the workaholic.
She wont go to counseling even though it is offered free at her work. She offers me no emotional support in any of my projects and I have to practically beg her to say nice things to me. She accuses me of “only caring about sex” because I complain that she won’t even commit to trying to have 2 romantic nights a month.
I am not the tidiest guy however I still do all the laundry most of the cooking and attempt to keep up on the house. all while working and getting a second degree. she doesn’t neglect the kids she tries to be there for them but she refuses to be there for me her or our relationship.

I don’t see how I can get out and win in this situation. She makes loads more money than I do. My brother in-law is a divorce attorney and a good one. I am a man and she is a woman. If I were a woman I wouldn’t be as worried. But as a man If I got out I would most likely loose every thing and my daughters would be raised by a nanny because she still will be at work.

She does work too much. she goes to work at 8:00 am and comes home at 1:00 am. she is dead tired.

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modestalchemist December 2, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Great post. I just bought my first house. At the moment it’s full of roommates (one of which happens to be my boyfriend). we’re all in our 20′s so it’s no big deal, none of us have kids.

But for a while now, i’ve felt like i’ve been doing everything when it comes to my boyfriend and i. I work a 40 hour 8-5 job every week, and when i come home, i’m cleaning up after everyone. he works 36 hours a week 3 12 hour shifts. So he has 4 whole days off and all he does with his extra time is play video games. I don’t really expect him to clean up after the other roommates or anything, but he doesn’t even go out and do stuff.. with or without me. he just sits around and plays games or eats junk food. He is totally taking advantage of me and being inconsiderate to the amount of work i actually do. he thinks he works SO much harder than everyone else. I don’t have any idea what he does with his money. he should be making about as much as i am making, but for some reason he’s always broke. “i’ll have the money next week” is a phrase i hear all the time. And then his random trips to the store to buy this and that (albeit they are useful things like food and cleaning supplies) it’s like “i thought you were broke.” overall, i think getting a house was a good idea. this way, if he slacks on his rent, i can tell him to get out.

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BlapherMJ December 12, 2008 at 9:00 am

Hey. This is my first time here….. You hit the nail on the head with this post. I too was a married single mother for 10 years…. My kids are the first to say how much better things got once we were on our own. It’s been 8 years now, and we have a healthy, happy, hard-working household! :-)

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Sahwm77 December 13, 2008 at 12:43 pm

I can relate to so much of what has been written on this blog. I’m a wife/mom of 3 kids (ages 5 1/2, 4 and 20 months). I have been married for nearly 7 years. I am married and misearabe, married and lonely and last but not least, married yet single. I met my husband while in college and like others, I had been through so many bad relationships in the past. He seemed everything a woman could ask for. Just to put his positive aspects out there; he’s hardworking, somewhat god-fearing (not enough or he’d know what the Bible means about loving your wife like Christ loved the Church), and he’s good with managing the household finances. However, he’s lacking big time as a husband and a father…I’m only good for cooking, cleaning and bedroom time and by bedroom time, cuddling is out of the question…After meeting my husband, I eventually dropped out of college and moved closer to his home town…Although we dated for 2 years before getting married, which was ample time to complete my degree, I didn’t go back to school…I put my life on hold…We started a family shortly after marrying….I haven’t worked outside of the home in about 6 years…I have always wanted to see my marriage all the way to the end, but it’s getting more difficult by the day…I am tired of being unhappy…I am a christian and believes in staying and fighting for my marriage, but I can’t anymore….it all seems in vain…it doesn’t seem like it will get better….my husband is a male chauvinist if I ever knew one…He’s quick to point out the woman’s role but can’t seem to see what his role should be, other than working…working is superb, but it takes more than that….I have so much on me….I have student loans and other bills that I can’t pay due to me not working….I want to go back to work but I don’t want my son (whose 20 months) going to childcare until he’s at least 3 years old…My husband seems to agree…but yet he treats me as if I’m burden….Believe me, I want to get out and work so badly…I need interaction with other people my age or around my age…I’m around my kids all the time….He moved me to a new town to accommodate his job…I don’t have friends here…we bought a home here, so we’re here for some time considering the economy and the current housing market….I want out of this so badly but I can’t and don’t know how to…I don’t have an income and haven’t worked in 6 years….How do I begin to get out this miserable life? I have my 3 kids….I don’t know what to do…I don’t want to be in this home with him another moment….And he’s already stated that if I wanted out, I can leave….He’s not leaving his home…this is sad because it would be easier for him to leave…and if he really cared about his kids or me, he would…Any suggestions, please pass them to me….my email address is shemose17@yahoo.com

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Sahwm77 December 13, 2008 at 12:51 pm

P.S. I try to tell him that I didn’t get married to be single and lonely…I guarantee I would have been much happier single with a career….Uhh…I feel so awful reflecting on it…just miserable…those of you who have managed to get out….please advise as I have be living dependently on him for nearly 7 years.

Thanks

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Dawn January 12, 2009 at 12:40 pm

I’m not sure why but this reminds me of that movie, the Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

It’s a weird thing thinking you made a decision for life with a partner who you don’t recognize over time. Like, you never thought you would need to explain that their behaving this way goes against the creed of marriage or common code of raising a human being … I’ll never again find myself in a position of teaching a grown man why it’s important to flush the toilet or view appropriate movies and tv shows.

What happened to the person who I had married … they became confused and couldn’t find there way out of a hole. Can’t join ‘em … don’t think about it. I don’t even like looking back.

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O January 28, 2009 at 8:46 am

so what’s the first step down that road to freedom? this whole situation, ten years old in april, is affecting me physically. i’ve had a headache everyday since october, i get sick to my stomach coming “home” when he’s here….and on constant ref alert when he’s “disciplining” the childdren. i have expressed my unhappiness before, but he doesn’t hear me. I NEED THAT FIRST STEP. past that, i’ll take off running.

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mssinglemama January 28, 2009 at 8:55 am

Call an attorney – usually they’ll consult with you for a very small fee, if not for free.

Then find a put the plan into action. Move.

A

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Dawn January 28, 2009 at 7:21 pm

And, before you make a call from your phone. Cover your tracks. Think of every day forward as you are now the one calling the shots. You cannot afford the luxury of second guessing yourself. YOU are the President. The whole of life will follow you … trust.

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Munchichi March 28, 2009 at 7:26 pm

I'm writing this with my one year old in my lap while my husband is playing XBox. I am miserable and it's because if his inadequacy as a father. He won't change a diaper, he won't clean the house, he doesn't comfort our son when he's crying – he shuts him in his room!, he won't put him to sleep, he won't watch him even so I can take a shower. He works and plays XBox. If he happens to do laundry (once a month, maybe) it's only his laundry. He won't do mine or the baby's.

If I left I'd be fine. I could move back with family, get financial aid to finish my degree, and take my kid to church without having my husband tell me how much crap it is. So why am I so afraid?

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Bernice April 1, 2009 at 1:19 pm

I'm glad you have written this b/c my married friends ask how I do it and I say " my life is easier this way" than b4…..and they still don't get it….

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Mom_of_2 April 13, 2009 at 1:12 am

I've lived in both worlds. I’ve been a "married single mom" (5 years) and an actual single mom (4 years). Yes, there were some great things about being a single mom – for ME, but not necessarily for my children (I have 5 and 3 year old girls). I have to say that for me there were more benefits of being a married single mom, so much so that I remarried my ex-husband and the father of my children, and I have to say that I appreciate my situation so much more second time around. The funny thing is that this is probably because I had the time to discover who I was and how to function without looking to anyone else for my happiness, to live up to my expectations or for support. Now I KNOW I can get it done alone, I KNOW how to make myself happy and content, independent of anyone else. Now I'm so used to doing it alone because I had to, I look at my husband as more a bonus for me, but mostly for my children. My daughters adore their dad and love having him around. I wouldn’t give back being a single mom for the world, because that is ultimately the reason why we work a whole lot better second time around.

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Louna Cee April 13, 2009 at 11:08 pm

I love this post!!! Great! Oh, Lord, I am addicted to MSM! =

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Tanya Garrett April 15, 2009 at 5:00 pm

This is a wonderful post… and I say that as a former married single mother, former signle mother, and now very happily married co-parenting mother. Been there, done that. My daughter is happiest now (in part because mom is the happiest she's ever been!), but certainly much happier with one stable, happy parent than with two miserable, unstable ones.

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mssinglemama April 15, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Very, very well said. Thank you for this comment.

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msn February 17, 2010 at 6:07 pm

What if you are too old to leave? After a certain age, even tho you are a “married single mother” (I have even told people I feel like this), you are afraid to leave, especially financially and emotionally. I am very co-dependant so that makes it worse. But now it just seems easier to agree and move on, hoping for the best………..

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a long journey June 29, 2010 at 12:47 am

msn,
I am up way too late to be replying to blog posts, but yours really hit me in the face! You are never too old to leave. I have been married for 20 years, the kids I have are 18 and 16. My soon to be “x” and I have been in couples therapy for over 5 years. And guess what, he filed for divorce. Before we were married he prodded me with the question that I needed to decide that this marriage will be for life. He did not believe in divorce. I gave it my all and really did commit. Later after we had 2 children within 14 months, he was tired and decided that he couldn’t work a 2nd job, and all the stuff I did while he worked the 2nd job became my ususal “job”. I have another job, called income. So, my advice to you, is to look for something to do outside of the house, just to get out of it for a while. Anything works, a walk, talk to a neighbor, just get involved out of his realm. Just get away from the situation for a while helps, it clears your mind. And I know, you will feel more like the person you used to be. remember that person? That’s what you gotta get back to. Please do something that used to make u happy, listen to old music, dance like you did back then, and laugh at yourself. that’s what I did, plus I got my kids doing that too, and they laughed at all those “80′s dances I used to do! It’s little steps, to make yourself feel better, eventually you will feel good, feel good about yourself, look at the website, this woman that started it is really all abut trying to feel good about yourself, isn’t it?

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katy April 10, 2010 at 2:50 am

This is a great post. I have 2 kids and I’m a married single mom. My husband works and comes home and he seems to purposely make a mess for ME to clean. He also refuses to touch our children 15 month boy and 3 month girl. There is absolutely no intimacy in our relationship and haven’t slept in the same for a week. I have student loans and pay our only bill but he’s always late with my allowance. He gives his mother more money than he gives me. He also said he doesn’t care if I leave.

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Anonymous May 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

I’m a Dad and your post does not offend me. He sounds like a bum that needs waking up. You are in it as a team. He is not being a team player so get out. Plenty of better fish in the sea.

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monica May 19, 2010 at 11:03 am

ahhhhh…. sorry i needed to do that.all of these happy and tragic stories make my head spin. Lance and I were on and off for five years when i got pregnant. i was ready to have my daughter, him not so much and he cheated. I left the relationship and he came back, we lived together for almost two years. Now we are both exhausted of being in relationship like ours, I wanted to be married and he wanted to be married to the playstation. the problem wasn’t him loving or not loving our daughter.he just had a hard time loving me for whatever reason. FYI lance is a great dad , i hope he stays that way. it hurts a lot sometimes how he couldn’t just fall in love with me as I did him, i wish i knew why thats what i need help with , but thank god i got out. i feel better hopeful even. Just cause i want peace of mind and serenity in my life and i refuse to live life where my daughter continues to see mommy cry . Nope not for me. thanks for listening time to wake up the baby from her nap

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stuck June 15, 2010 at 9:43 am

‘Debating leaving the life of a ‘single MARRIED mama’.
I am a married single mama living in the US. The only family I have here is my husband and more recently our beautiful daughter.
I own my house and run my finances as a single person. I have been off work for 7 wks on maternity leave and have had no help financially, emotionally … etc from my husband. He claims he wants to be a father to his daughter but I guess talk is cheap.
I have a family member who is sick in my home country but my husband will not allow my daughter to travel. I feel he is merely using her to empower himself to control my decisions, I have asked for his consent to travel and originally he agreed but after something upset him recently he claims he does not want us to travel and has denied my request to visit my family with my daughter.
He has been invited by my family to join us but has no money for travel expenses.
He does now work and has been looking for work for sometime now, I do not anticpate a change in his happy-go-lucky, carefree lifestyle and would like to raise my daughter with my family and create a stable home but I still can not justify leaving him with my daughter because I still care and he is still her biological father. I know that his current situation would not be inspirational to a child.
Is it selfish of me to leave with the child?
I really do love him and have tried to help him but I suppose I should really leave and let him ‘help himself’ if that is what he wants to do.

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a long journey June 29, 2010 at 12:22 am

I was a single mom for the last 15 years of out 20 year marriage. I wish I had this blog, yet this kind of networking to help with the situation I dealt with was not present at the time I was suffering. My children are not 16 and 18. I bascially raised them on my own. I have PhD and my soon to be “X” is a firefigher. When the kids were little he had a part-time job to help with the finances. I didn’t mind taking care of everything because I knew that he was putting in a lot of hours. Five years later, he was tired of doing that and guess what ladies, I continued to do all. Then came all the spending on the expensive ‘toys” that he felt he deserved because he worked a 2nd job. He bought this and that, while I bought all at discount stores and re-sale shops to keep the budget. Yes, I did the bills too! All the while he accused me of hiding money, etc. Fast forward about 7 years and here we are in a new “fix-er-upper” house that he offered $$15,000 more to the buyer behind my back. He convinced me that this would be the best thing to do. All the while I knew better, he hated doing any thing around the house especially home improvement. He hired people acting as a subcontracter, never really working, but here we are almost 10 years later and he still thinks I am lazy. The house bascially has been re-done by outside help, but you would think he worked on it himself. While this was going on, I lost my husband, well, I thought I lost the man I loved, but his real self reared it’s ugly head. He is controlling, manipulative, cares only for himself, thinks his car, income, etc., is his, but the rest, ie., my income, etc., is ours. Get it!
I convinced him to go to couples counseling, which lead to numerous months of him receiving single one on one therapy. Low and behold, he has numerous personality issues, namely a nacarcissim pesronality disorder. That diagnosis finally explained why I continued to be in this crazy relationship. I know I have glossed over all this with a few sentences. But if you feel like you are in a relationship where you are continually belittled, told that your contribution to the total family unit is way under par, plus the penchant that what he has is his over the family unit consider going to counseling on your own. Do not be like me thinking that “this will pass”. It doesn’t. I am currently going thru a divorce with this personality disorder. I tell you it’s not fun. He thinks he deserves it all, due to the disorder he had, which ultimately came from his upbringing.
In future dating, pay attention to the family issues, that’s where it all starts. I made a 20 year mistake by thinking by ignoring his upbringing

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altaf July 7, 2010 at 2:09 am

I am altaf i am 40 year old,i am cost and manament accountant and working as cheif internal auditor in a textile group.I am serching a sweet hear lady age 50 to 55 year old from europe and USA.I hope i will find my love

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What now? February 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

It’s really pretty simple………..I do everything!

This feeling inside (stomach turning) will not go away. I became a mother at 20, married at 21 and now feel lost (we’ve been married for 16 yaers). For two years now my husband has worked a shift that runs from 3pm-2am. I’m not sure who he is anymore and when he is “awake” he picks on everything and my oldest especially. We have 3 childen together and I do it all. Work full time, raise the kids and clean…..wait, he does do laundry and dishes once a week. The day we do see him, he is moody, picky and it really is like riding a roller coaster. I’ve told him how I feel and he has refused to get counseling and tells me this is how it is so deal with it. Just when I think I want to leave, the charming side comes out and I change my mind. I do love him and Am just not sure what to do, I do know that I dont want to live like this the rest of my life. Please help.

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Trina November 4, 2011 at 9:01 am

My situation is a little different. I have a good marriage, my husband is a good man n works hard. He is good to me but always want my attention it’s been very hard to split my time between him my 15 yr old & 16 yr old. I married him 12 Yrs ago a year & 1/2 after the father of my 2 boys died. I thought he was a good dad he already had a 12 yr old daughter from another marriage that seemed to be a good girl. Little did I realize his mother n sister practically raised her. When she was a teenager I started to notice when she would get in trouble he didn’t do anything about it, he would let his x take care of it(that should have been a sign) when she stayed with us n got n trouble I had to deal with it. Now his daughter is 24 does drugs, drinks & doesn’t take responsibility for anything even though she is a nurse she has been in 4 car accidents. He cosigned a car loan for her a few years ago even though I told him not to. Well she never paid on time & now has totaled the car & stopped making payments. What is he doing about it? Nothings usuall. When the boys were little he would play with them n take them places now the only time he spends with them is yelling at them to be quiet so he can here the TV. It’s been like this for about 5 years now. Now my 15 year old is failing all his classes in school, drinking, last night he came home high on pot, I didn’t tell my husband cuz I know he’ll just say “I don’t know what to tell you it is what it is”. Our other son is a good boy doesnt get in any trouble but spends most of his time in his room. We dont fight or argue about anything. I have just given up on waiting for him to help with the boys. Our bills are high, he has to work hard we both do. I take care of every thing in and outside of the house even the bills he has no idea how to pay them or how much $ we have. I have told him we both need to work with the boys & he says ok but nothing changes. I almost want to cry writing this cuz I know what I have to do but I can’t we r stuck with the bills and house and like I said he doesn’t mistreat me or the boys he just neglects them and I love him and his family. I think it’s toate for me now I gave up everything for him thinking he would be the perfect dad for my boys cuz he was their biological fathers cousin n wer raised the same. he had to be something like their real dad right? Boy was I wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like just giving up.

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Trina November 4, 2011 at 9:11 am

My situation is a little different. I have a good marriage, my husband is a good man n works hard. He is good to me but always want my attention it’s been very hard to split my time between him my 15 yr old & 16 yr old. I married him 12 Yrs ago a year & 1/2 after the father of my 2 boys died. I thought he was a good dad he already had a 12 yr old daughter from another marriage that seemed to be a good girl. Little did I realize his mother n sister practically raised her. When she was a teenager I started to notice when she would get in trouble he didn’t do anything about it, he would let his x take care of it(that should have been a sign) when she stayed with us n got n trouble I had to deal with it. Now his daughter is 24 does drugs, drinks & doesn’t take responsibility for anything even though she is a nurse she has been in 4 car accidents. He cosigned a car loan for her a few years ago even though I told him not to. Well she never paid on time & now has totaled the car & stopped making payments. What is he doing about it? Nothings usuall. When the boys were little he would play with them n take them places now the only time he spends with them is yelling at them to be quiet so he can here the TV. It’s been like this for about 5 years now. Now my 15 year old is failing all his classes in school, drinking, last night he came home high on pot, I didn’t tell my husband cuz I know he’ll just say “I don’t know what to tell you it is what it is”. Our other son is a good boy doesnt get in any trouble but spends most of his time in his room. We dont fight or argue about anything. I have just given up on waiting for him to help with the boys. Our bills are high, he has to work hard we both do. I take care of every thing in and outside of the house even the bills he has no idea how to pay them or how much $ we have. I have told him we both need to work with the boys & he says ok but nothing changes. I almost want to cry writing this cuz I know what I have to do but I can’t we r stuck with the bills and house and like I said he doesn’t mistreat me or the boys he just neglects them and I love him and his family. I think it’s toate for me now I gave up everything for him thinking he would be the perfect dad for my boys cuz he was their biological fathers cousin n wer raised the same. he had to be something like their real dad right? Boy was I wrong. I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like just giving up. By the way I am 37 & he is 54, so yeah he is getting older very fast & I want to go back to school but have to devote all my time to them and we can’t afford it anyway. I know things would have been so different if I had not gotten married but u can’t go back. No I can’t turn to my family they r all worthless my father is dead from alcoholism, my mother is useless my sisters & brothers all have lost their kids due to drugs or alcohol n my other brother is in jail. I have no 1 but me to rely on, been doin this since I was 15. My friends are his friends so I can’t tell them everything it’s nice to have somewhere to vent.

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Carrie November 7, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Why don’t women in this position leave their husbands? Probably because they realize that it’s not just about their feelings. There’s children to consider-their emotional and physical needs. And just as I wouldn’t leave my children alone with a 5 year old kindergartner who can barely tie his own shoes or a 90 year old with vision and hearing problems, I wouldn’t initiate any situation where my children are left alone with a man who has never shown an interest in family outings, meal preparation, bath time, homework help, house cleaning, doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences. Maybe on his own he’d step up. Maybe not. But my children are not poker chips to be gambled with.

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Jenifer February 28, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I as many is a married single mother of one. My husband swiped me off my feet. Had a baby, then weeks later got married. Once our daughter entered this world. I instantly changed to provide the best life possible for our daughter. My husband on the other hand felt there was no need change. This left majority of responsibly on me! I do everything in the house, which is what my husband feels is my responsibly. I’m always trying to do outings as a family, however, it’s me lecturing him to go or it me and baby. Yes, my husband works hard to provide for our family and can be exhausted when he gets home. If there activity with drinking he’s down but for our family it’s tough going. When I ask for help he will step in but he just doesn’t know what to do or doesn’t do things properly. End result it takes more of my time to help him out or clean up after him than it would have if I just done it myself. He puts me down in front of our company every time. It’s like I’m not self worth. Didn’t think I should have yr off for maternity leave.. At 4 month of my leave I went back to work- part time. Financially we could survive fine without me working. Our life is good sometimes and horrible other times. I’m wrong he’s right kind if relationship. I find my self always catering to him. Right now I find myself so lost…. Is this married life with children? Does it get better as our child gets older? My biggest fear of leaving is that he will not be part of out daughters life!

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Phillip October 20, 2012 at 6:51 am

Lex
May God Help you, Thanks to this site for taking up such issue as this and others.
I wish we could talk
Bye

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Missy D January 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm

I’ll tell you this much, I identify so strongly with the term married single mother. I did it twice. Now, in the midst of a second divorce, I am efficient and happy at being a single mother. I am not fretting regarding keeping the relationship afloat. The biggest factor that changed things for me was getting in touch with who I was as a person and recognizing what I deserved out of life. I also didn’t want my kids thinking this is what a marriage was supposed to be. My three children are happy and are learning about healthy boundaries in relationships.

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Jennifer April 25, 2013 at 2:41 pm

I would have gladly stayed at home with the kiddos, but my husband was very insecure about being the sole income earner. First I had to work full time for our survival then over time as his salary increased the story changed from that to we would not be able to send our son to college. Well, neither of those were true statements. He would tell me things like, he would love to not have to work and how indulgent it would be for me to stay at home. Now this was with him traveling for his job…me working full time with a toddler. We were living in the D.C. area at the time. I just about came unglued because I had no support and certainly no help with my child or the household. I can’t tell you how many times I have used the phrase…”Having the cake and eating it to” to describe my husband. Not all men out there have even the slightest desire to support their family…they want their family to support them. It has to work both ways. Period! There is no point to marriage if at the end of the day no matter if she stays at home or if she works…if she feels like her life is devoted to someone whose life is devoted only to his betterment then she is far better off to cut him out of her life the best that she can. Because all he is by that point to her is a burden…another responsibility. In my case, my husband was also mentally abusive. So there you go. If I am expected to do everything for myself anyway, why should I put up with that S+&*? Why should any woman? Aren’t we people too with hearts, souls, hopes, desires? I always said he wished he would have married a robot servant. Too bad he isn’t living in that Star Trek episode. He wouldn’t be alone right now.

Bottom Line: If your spouse is taking more out of the cookie jar then he or she is putting in it…get rid of them. Especially if it is just out of pure selfishness.

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Jennifer April 25, 2013 at 5:44 pm

A few more thoughts before I leave the topic. I can’t tell you all how many times I asked for my husband’s help. I asked him how we could restructure our lives. I came out and told him that the amount of stress that I was bearing down on every day was too much. His response to me was always the same, that there are lots of working moms out there. I would always think to myself sure, but are they doing it alone too? I can see from this blog there are a lot of us out there. Women who got married, had the kid or kids, and then hubby somehow is exempt from the responsibilities of caring for the child while still expecting his wife to contribute financially. To me, that is a psychopath. Men who expect basically their wife to maintain their entire existence are psychopaths. For a long time I kept telling myself that this was just my lot in life to deal with. About four or six weeks ago I was talking to my husband about my day and he told me to get to my point because he didn’t have the bandwidth for the conversation. I didn’t get mad. I just nodded my head and told him okay and stopped talking. Let me tell you…my husband rants and rants about everything to me. His work, his co-workers and things that I certainly don’t care about. But I listen. After that, I stopped talking to him about everything but our son and our finances. Not once did he ask me what I was doing…how I was doing…nothing. That was the last straw for me. I won’t be married to a man who does not care about what his wife’s life is like…doesn’t even wonder about it. I moved out and filed for divorce.

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Brandy July 28, 2013 at 3:58 pm

I am currently a married single mother of 3 and the only reason I’m still here is because I’m also a stay at home mom (out of necessity) because we can’t afford daycare for me to work. There is no way I could afford to leave with my kids and secure a place to live. My husband is like many of the others he refuses to do any housework at all not even put away his own clothes, which is all I’ve really asked him to do in the last six months. He expects me and my 13 year old son to do everything. He works on salary and always stays late to be away from home I’m guessing. so if you figure out his wage it’s barely over min wage. thru the week he is home only in time to say goodnight to the kids before they head off to bed and on the weekends he gets up before anyone else and doesn’t come home till close to dark or after dark, then he shuts himself up in the bedroom away from the rest of us. And forget him doing any household repairs or improvements which he does for any of his friends or family so they all think he’s such a Nice Guy. We currently use window units to cool the house and was given a heat pump 2 years ago and as you might have guessed has not been put in. there are also other things in the house that me or my son have no idea how to do but he never even attempts to do them even though it would only take him a couple hours at most to fix. My cousin was doing some Handy work for one of my husbands friends a few months ago and the friend let slip to my cousin that my husband said that he didn’t want to go home because he didn’t want to deal with the kids or the house. I would leave in a New York Minute if I had the funds to do so but right now I am Trapped in this situation. I am also a little scared to leave him alone with my children because all he does is scream and yell at them for being kids and is especially hard on my oldest expecting him to act like an adult at 13 instead of a 13 year old, It is very sad that my oldest has been more of a father to his younger siblings than their own father has been. I am so ready to leave I could scream and my 13 year old wants me to leave to he is a very bright kid and sees what’s going on but I am powerless to do anything about it right now.

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A October 3, 2013 at 12:22 pm

I enjoyed reading the post! It has shown me that I am not the only woman out there dealing with this. Only two months into being a single mother and dealing with the custody issue, I still have days and think back about did I do the right thing?? Being a single mother is hard with a 2 year old, but I have the best family helping me and opening my eyes. I have learned today that I can do this and move on with my life and be happy and maybe find Mr. Right later on who will actually take care of my son and myself.

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