I am a former married single mother.
Which is why I am now an unmarried single mother.
The only difference – I now have half of the laundry and half of the dishes to clean. Seriously. When your husband contributes very little around the house, when you’re the one driving the kids to and from everything and then at the end of the night when he isn’t even there for you emotionally, but actually makes you feel worse – it’s easy to feel like a single mother when you’re married.
Married mothers tell me this all of the time, “I feel like a single mom!”
I bite my lip and try not to scream, “Why in the hell are you with him then? Get out! It’s awesome over here. You could be free – of him.” Instead, I nod slowly and listen, trying to put myself back in that spot – that tough spot – when you can’t decide whether or not you should leave. So I ask, “Will he try counseling?” The answer is almost always, “No way.”
I give them all of the positive support and advice I can muster but sometimes, from the outside looking in – especially when you’ve been there, it’s clear they’d be better off single. But I can’t make the choice for them. Everyone has to do what they need to do and should exhaust all options before ending a marriage.
Some married single mothers aren’t even fighting anymore. They’ve given up entirely on improving their marriage after meeting road block after road block from their husbands. As a result, they’ve conceded to the fact that this is their life and have committed themselves to this terminal diagnosis – “til death do us part.” My opinion on this is clear… I’ve said it before – to hell with religious beliefs, to hell with what your friends and family think – men need to step up or get the hell out, and if not then get rid of them. Why?
Because being a single mother is far better than being a miserably married mother. And your children need to see you happy, both of you happy.
With that said, I have met so many single fathers who clearly didn’t deserve to be left. So there are definitely magnificent husbands out there being neglected as well, but that’s another topic for another post. Back to the single married mothers…
Will you be instantly happier if you leave your husband? No. Divorce is hell. The entire process is hell. But once the dust settles the days will be brighter and so will the future. Just get a good attorney.
Here’s a story a friend shared after leaving her husband recently, “Now I can finally eat crunchy peanut butter again. I know it sounds silly, but he hated crunchy peanut butter so I never bought it – it just makes me so happy – this stupid jar of peanut butter, I can’t stop eating it. Isn’t that crazy?”
No, it isn’t crazy at all. What sounds crazy is staying in a relationship with a man who won’t let you buy crunchy peanut butter. Or one, in which, you give up everything you love for him and receive nothing in return.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long, long time. Because I think of them often – the married mothers who are still there, dreaming of leaving but giving him time to change. They are prisoners, sometimes slaves to the relationship, trapped in a cage with someone who won’t help them climb out, someone who doesn’t care enough to fight with you to make it work. And that sucks.
This post may come off as harsh to some (men) but I could care less. Many of you need to step up to your responsibilities as husbands and fathers and stop acting like boys. And for God’s sakes – consider marriage counseling.
More advice on whether or not you should leave your husband.
Photo Credit: [Pregnancy Depression Help.]
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It wasn’t my choice to be left behind. After spending a lot of time trying and hoping and praying… I’m finally recognizing just what you are saying in this post. I am liberated. I was most definitely already a “single” parent. I think I’ll go buy some crunchy peanut butter today.
I have to DITTO this whole post!
I made a similiar one a while back!
I have this conversation with so many married friends – men and women!
I dont get it! Yes it took me a while to decide to leave – but I DID it! I realised that I DIDNT want to be unhappy for every! As much for my kids as for myself!!!
Just want to add that women also need to start standing up and saying “I LIKE crunchy peanut butter so I WILL buy it and I WILL eat it with spoon out the bottle. If you dont like it dont watch”
OMG. I could have written this post, albeit not nearly as eloquently as you did. While my ex and I were never married on paper, we had the baby, the house, the dog, the picket fence, etc. and I am so happy we are no longer together. Our ds gets to see both of us happy and ultimately better off. He has found someone whom I adore and who is a wonderful influence in our son’s life and while I have yet to find Mr. Right, I do believe he is out there and if not, I am still happy.
AMEN!! This is somehting I’d thought about writing but just hadn’t found the right words for yet. I left before the N-Man was old enough to realize his parents marriage was a disaster and could remember us yelling at each other. Far FAR better for children to grow up in separate homes with happy parents then in a home that is depressed and full of tension. And it takes far more courage to walk away than to sit and take it indefinately.
And I’d like to add that being a single mother of one REAL child is much easier than being in a marriage with a child and a grown up who acts like a child and needs a mother, not a wife. My work load was cut in half when I left!
Ooops… that was me. :::points up:::
Thank you for so eloquently summing up my life during the past three years! I will be printing this entry out as a reminder of how far I’ve come
Literally, there is not ONE SENTENCE in this post that didn’t describe my relationship with my husband – it makes me sad though to think that so many people will be able to relate to it. Although, the great news is that it does get better – much better 
Again, a different perspective:
If you really think about it, was the guy you married really husband material?
It’s evident in this line: “…dreaming of leaving but giving him time to change”. Change???
Most of you probably married the “bad boy” expecting him to change into the “responsible husband”. They don’t change.
And some of you might say “But he was a lot of fun when we were dating – but now, five years and two kids later, he’s changed.” No, he hasn’t. The situation changed. This is how he reacts. Face it, family life is mostly a dream for women, not men.
And if we’re talking about “men” in their early to mid 20’s, well, they’re not really “men” yet. They are just what you think they are: large boys. Don’t marry them. Tell your friends not to marry them. And don’t be suprised when they don’t “get with the program”.
Amen.
I have to hold back laughter when I get the “Oh, it must be so hard” comments after people learn that I’m single. My life got WAY easier when I finally got out of the bad relationship. Sure, there were new challenges to deal with, but having a clear head and the absense of constant emotional torture allowed me to take on all of the new challenges with optimism and confidence.
When married moms say their spouses don’t help, that they know what it’s like because the hubz works all the time etc., I have learned to bite my lip.
Not only do they not know, they don’t understand how much deeper single parenting goes than being a married parent with a workaholic/busy/asshole husband. (any or all of those can apply)
I feel like I have spent years wasting my energy. You want to think you know what it’s like. Go for it. You know, when you go out to dinner w/ another adult, when you have someone to help you take a kid to the ER, when you have that second income in your home, when you have someone to share the joys and heartaches of your kids with.
Yep, they know just how it is. Uh huh.
Amen. Well written. I had these same thoughts when deciding to leave my husband. I’m not going to get counseling and you have to deal with it. I think not…
I married “the responsible guy” who insisted he wanted kids, marriage, the white picket fence … turns out he wanted the show of being married so that he could play “poor misunderstood husband” to naive young women. He lied about everything. Told me years later, “Hell, yea, I lied. You wouldn’t have married me if I hadn’t spouted that s*&^%.”
I called myself a “married single mom” for years, and I suffered from severe depression throughout it. Now I have a wonderful guy who was one of those neglected husbands. (I’ve met his ex, so I know) Now I know what I was missing for all those years, and I’m so happy.
Great post! I don’t know how my married single mom friends do it. I did it for 6 months and luckily my son’s father decided to leave (because he didn’t want to be tied down). I felt too overwhelmed with my baby to ask him to leave. Once he left, I realized how much easier it was. He did so little around the house that I was relieved to not have to take care of another person on top of caring for my baby, the house, and working full time out of town. For example, I had to ask him to watch our baby in between nursing so I could go shovel snow. It is so much better to just have to take care of my son and myself.
He controlled things too. I can totally relate to the crunchy peanut butter! When I was on bed rest when I was pregnant, he decided that he didn’t feel like going to the store because it was his day off. When he finally decided to go to the store, days later, he got the items on the list that he felt were necessary to buy. I gave him money for the groceries, I just couldn’t physically go to the store. That was so hard to depend on someone like that. He was very helpful and nice in the beginning. I had no idea he would be this way or I would have never been with him. I am going to send this post to all my married single mom friends!
Hi, married mom here… with a helping husband… just wanted to say I think you rock. Great job taking charge of what’s best for your family.
Sorry, I don’t usually do this, but Jim H….regarding the “change” comment. I totally get where you’re coming from and will be the first one to say that you shouldn’t marry someone hoping that they’ll “change” some day…I married my husband the way he was. I completely accepted who he was and didn’t need him to “change”.
What did happen though, when we had our son, is that life did change for us. In ways that neither of us could predict. We no longer could live the life that we were living before because, well, life changes when you have a child. What happened is that I had to change because of the babies’ needs and he didn’t “change” thus, leaving me to feel like a single married mom.
So the way I see it is that we both needed to change to become parents and only one of us did. So you’re “The situation changed, this is how he reacts.” comment is a cop-out as far as I’m concerned. I changed in ways that I didn’t necessarily want to, but I had to because that’s what needed to happen when you bring another human into this world.
Amen and hallelujah….
Apperantly were not single moms if we are or were married thats what i was told.but that hole blog is true
I understand what you’re saying, Laura, and I mostly agree with it – meaning that yes, there definitely will be changes when you have children!
The problem is that no one can predict how your spouse (yes, women too) will react to a situation they’ve never been in before. Some men will step up and be the father they need to be. And some won’t.
Another comment: A lot of men feel “pushed” into marriage & children. By their wife, but also by their family, etc. Not that it makes it right. Just sayin’
For my part, I adopted my wife’s son when he was 4. I was 22. We adopted two more boys. We were married for 15 years. I love being a dad! I loved being a husband. My wife lost interest in me, in the house, in our way of life. I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she wouldn’t. Maybe I was the “married single mother” of this story!
Its crap that people are telling me i’m not a single mom if i’m married my husband is deployed right now to Iraq its hard we have a 2month old and hes missing everything
This truly is a tough place to be. It’s been five years ago for me and I remember all too well how difficult the decision was to leave. My hearts and prayers go out for these women (and yes men) that have to make the tough decisions and take a stand for themselves and their self-respect. The respect that may have been lost in the process.
Thanks for recognizing them and acknowledging them, Alaina.
I genuinely think that some people cannot handle the change that comes with parenthood. It’s probably the single toughest test of a relationship, and if you’re not completely prepared for the sheer amount of work involved, you’re in trouble. And if you can’t get it together once you realize how much committment is required, well . . . then you pull a swan dive, much like my ex. You give all kinds of poofy reasons for your departure, but it’s obvious that you simply cannot handle the change.
Men seem to have it harder in our generation. The model of “what came before” in their fathers doesn’t cut it anymore. You can’t work a full day, come home to a full meal and proceed to lounge on the couch until bedtime. It Ain’t On. So while I don’t have a ton of sympathy for the men out there who do nothing in their parenting roles, I do think there’s a sociological support for their struggle.
This sort of links into the the post I wrote today about a book I’m reading. We tend to give so much of ourselves and receive nothing in return. We end up resenting them for it when the decision is ours… all along it was us. We can’t really blame them can we? We can certainly decide to move forward, as frightening as it is. And survive. And grow. And be happy.
Anyway, great post Alaina. Good insights.
I can relate that is for sure. That is one of the reasons i got divorced. If you are going to pull everything your self then why not cut the bills and everything else in half and make it easier on your self, except sometimes it is harder on the kids.
To echo what Wyliekat says, it is different now.
…but why? My dad worked as a machinist for 40+ hours a week, then came home and worked on our hobby farm. My mom stayed home and took care of the house and the kids. My dad fell asleep on the couch every night. If I think about it, my dad didn’t do a whole lot of parenting. I did farming things with him, he took me to the movies on a semi-regular basis, we went to auctions.
But it was my mom that did most of the parenting. I always knew my dad loved me. And I respected him. Still do. We have a great relationship today.
But, like it has been pointed out, that model seems to be out the window for most of America. Why? What was wrong with it? And before we start getting all women’s liberation on me, know this: My mom ruled the roost. They worked together, but it’s the old saying: If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
Why does the old model “not cut it anymore?”
Jim H.
Because now Mom has to work as well.
The average American family can’t make it on one salary alone, so… for some that scenario still exists but for most – we are now looking at a different structure at home.
Not sure if it’s good or bad, but it’s what we all need to do – adapt until we are able to live on one salary again.
Thanks for the comments everyone!
Thanks for this awesome post! I think it’s hard to imagine how life could be better after divorce – which is why I stayed in a sucky marriage so long, and why I think so many other women are hesitant to change the status quo. It’s that whole thing about how the devil you know if better than the one you don’t. So we need to be living examples that there is life after divorce and once the hellish period subsides, it is pretty damn good, a whole lot of the time.
why depend on God for full satisfaction
Dude, that was my motto when I was getting divorced and explaining to friends and family … “I did not get married to be a single mom…”. Wonderful post!
I hate the presumption that women are “cut out” for marriage and guys just don’t want it. I was the stupid 20-something, party-animal, who dated the bad boy who got unexpectedly pregnant. However, I didn’t force him into marriage. He proposed to me. We never did get married, and I was just as scared and unprepared for a child as he was. Life changes for BOTH parents, its not like mom just immediately becomes a pro at cooking, cleaning, mothering as soon as the kid arrives, or the wedding band is on.
The arrival of a baby isn’t easy for ANYONE. Unfortunately the mom physically, mentally and emotionally HAS to change (unless she ababons her kid), and its a lot easier for the father to run scared. The moms don’t have a choice.
My whole mantra was “at least we’re in this together” as hard and scary as it was to have a baby. Sadly, he didn’t share that philosophy. He just wanted a new life.
I was single from the moment I got myself (according to him) pregnant.
Wow, great topic. I love you guys, so insightful!
I didn’t realize that there are so many others out there with situations like I had. It’s sad to see but at least I don’t feel like I gave up too soon. I’ve come to realize that people’s base personalities don’t change. Some habits and behavior can be altered, but if someone is selfish and needs to be taken care of, that doesn’t change. After my divorce I almost married a man that I would have been right back in the same situation, plus another two kids! Understand your own role in picking guys with those personality traits and watch for those red flags.
The world has changed. Two incomes are needed to keep up in the lifestyle our parents had with one income. Moms have had to adapt and change, fathers need to as well. Moms need partners, not another person to take care of.
I guess two incomes really are not necessary as evidenced by all those working women who divorced the other income!
My only regret in leaving him was that I didn’t leave sooner. It’s been 4 years and I still mourn the loss even though the marriage was on life -support from day one and I pulled the plug.
It’s true. Some people don ‘t have a clue what life will be like with a kid. You either step up to the plate or you start drinking and drugging like mine did after 17 years of sobriety.
My worst days single are about the same as my good days married. Thanks for a great post.
Wow can I relate to this post. I was a single mom before I got married. I thought married life would be the best thing for me and my kids. Boy was in for the shock of my life!
All I did was acquire another child and ended up miserable. Now that I am single again I am much happier and my life couldn’t be better.
As a guy who has been in this situation, if I may I’d like to give out a piece of advise to those “single married women” out there.
I also took my marriage (the first one) for granted and didn’t work on it. When my wife first mentioned “divorce” it shook me up enough to understand I could lose it all, my wife, my children, my life.
Unfortunately, by the time I woke up and put the necessary effort into it, it was too late and she had moved on to “greener pastures.”
Sometimes a guy needs a very big nudge to get them to understand they have a lot to lose if they don’t get their “act together.”
Just my two cents…
Thank you, Mike. I'm currently one of the "single married mothers" trying to figure out what is best for me and my son. I've asked my husband for help, even asked him to do specific tasks (like change a diaper once and a while), and all I get in return is yelled at. He works all day, comes home to a cooked meal and a clean house, and plays X-Box until bedtime. No diapers, no playtime, no comforting a crying baby – that's my job. He had to work all day while I "sit at home on my ass" as he tells his friends.
Asking isn't working. Being upset isn't working. I need to do what you say and tell him what he's about to lose. Will things change? Probably not. But at least I can go out knowing that I gave him every opportunity to put on his big-boy pants and act like a man.
Yes, yes, yes! Totally!!!! When we first separated, I realized that I had wasted FAR too much time being unhappy and I should have left a long time ago.
Like your example, being able to buy the kind of peanut butter I LIKE! is a big deal! Or the kind of bread and not having to justify all my purchases to him…. Even better!
Don’t waste time being unhappy when the answer is so clear.
Everyone read Mike’s comment – very, very wise words. Sometimes men just need a good kick in the ass.
I gave my ex several but he never “got it” – however, I did try my best to knock some sense into him before I left. Picking up and just leaving in the middle of the night is definitely not advised.
XOXO
A woman once told me she felt so sorry for me because I was a single mom. She couldn’t IMAGINE how I got by on my own. In the next breath, she was complaining about how her husband never helped around the house or with the kids, spent too much time on the computer, wouldn’t go anywhere with her, only “let” her hang out with her friends if she could find a babysitter, and insisted on having his dinner ready by 5:30pm every night.
It took every ounce of restraint to keep from saying what I was really thinking…
I’m workin’ a different angle here…
To Kelly’s comment, about how we have to have two incomes to keep up the lifestyle our parents had:
My parents didn’t have a cell phone bill.
They didn’t have an Internet bill.
They didn’t have a cable TV bill.
A vacation was somewhere that could be driven to within 6 hours. Once a year, tops.
They didn’t drink, or go out to bars.
They didn’t go out to eat unless we all went (seldom).
We went out for fast food maybe 4 times a year. They bought groceries and we ate at home.
They had older used vehicles. Sometimes just 1 between them.
We went to the movies maybe 3 times a year.
We also had a lot of fun. I had a great childhood!
My point is, if you really think about it, we don’t have the lifestyle of our parents. We do more, and must have more. We’re not keeping up with them, we’re keeping up with our peers. I’m guilty of it too. This is why we need two incomes.
- Jim H.
This is insane!!! Why do i feel like the only person, well mother, in the world with these same issues. And there are so many of us out there! It makes leaving, and getting on with your life so much happier and easier with friends who have been through similiar situations. A friend of mine went through it within a week i did, it was crazy, we partied together (aka celebrated freedom), cried together, debated taking them back together, and moved on together it was great. She found someone and i havent yet but she gives me hope! I love being single, no one telling me to turn the tv off at night b/c he can’t sleep. I fall asleep now every night with the tv on b/c i can. Its really the best feeling, at the end of the day you know you don’t have to settle and MR. SUPPORTIVE, CARING, LOVING, NURTURING, HARD WORKING, DOESN’T HAVE ANXIETY, NON COMPLAINING, EQUAL HOUSEHOLD SHARING, LAUNDRY DOING, MAN IS OUT THERE!!! i just have to be patient and focus on loving my kids and being a great mom, and he will find me!! : )
to Jim H.
As for your first three- agreed and guilty. As for the rest- not so true for all of us. My parents had a very active social life, sometimes with, sometimes without the kids.
My main point from earlier is that both partners need to step up and do their fair share. Whether that be one stays home or both work, the responsibilties need to be divvied-up equally. That does not mean each chore is shared 50-50, but that overall the labor is divided equally. It also needs to be a mutual decision to have one income or two and how to divide the household stuff from there.
My goal is to teach both my kids (one boy, one girl) how to be a partner. They each need to know how to do all the chores and they also need to know how to discuss and negotiate with a partner someday. My girl will know how to change the oil and mow the lawn and my boy will know how to load a dishwasher and do the laundry and vice versa.
Kelly,
I totally agree.
I love LOVE this post. I’m so feeling you on this!
You have put into words what I’ve been trying to explain not only to myself but to those around me. I left my “baby’s dad” this summer and now I’m am so f’ing HAPPY I can be ME again!
The other day, my 7 year old son asked my why his dad and I got divorced. This is always going to be a tough one to answer, and I know it will come up over several times as my children grow up. Recalling several recent post-Daddy weekend conversations with my crying son, I asked him, “Do you know how you feel when you want to do something with Daddy, but he just watches tv?” And my little man said, “Oh, so you got divorced because you didn’t like feeling alone when you were with him.”
My divorce was finalized almost 4 years ago – one month before my youngest turned one. It has been tough on me, and tough on my kids, but it is SO much better than being alone in my marriage. And this conversation with my son proved to me that it is better for my children to have a single mom who is stressed, but has HOPE, instead of a married mom who is stressed and miserable. I couldn’t let my babies grow up thinking marriage meant a couple lives together as almost strangers.
speedgirl!!! your post just made my day!! i hope you get my email and perhaps we can exchange stories. When I tell people my husband didnt beat me and we didnt fight and he was financially supportive (although I was the breadwinner)…no one can understand why I am divorcing him. We were like roommates for years… I told him that from time to time but nothing changed. we ended up with 2 kids and 2 laptops…after the kids were asleep, each of us was on a laptop. Not a marriage by any stretch of the imagination. i LOVED your post about what you told your 7 yr old. I have a 5 year old and as he gets through this, he asks more and more questions. It breaks my heart everytime and makes me understand why people stay for the kids (guilt feelings) but I realize life is not a dress rehearsal and this is it… I am not wasting my life on someone who wants to put me on the back burner after only a couple years of marriage together, taking me (and my salary and health benefits) for granted. Ugh. Great post – thanks so much!!!!
My first marriage ended with a man that didn’t help with the children because he was either drunk or acted like he didn’t know how. Those children are now teenagers – but what did I go and do? Married a younger man, had another baby at the age of 38 and am basically a single mom AGAIN because he works 80 hours a week leaving me without any intimacy in my life, no companionship or any amount of help. He barely knows HIS baby. I do everything alone! He worked alot before, but it has gotten worse since we married a little over a year ago. I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to divorce twice…. but truthfully, I lose myself when I am in a relationship – and I want myself back. He isn’t here to help with anything anyway. My teenage son does more than him!
Mistake #2:
Sounds like you should have a very serious talk with husband #2…
One thing – don’t let the “shame” of having 2 divorces under your belt keep you from divorcing him. There’s nothing to be ashamed about – we ALL make mistakes.
In a good relationship you wouldn’t lose yourself.
Another thing though – find yourself again before you leave him – get it together first.
Good luck!
Well I am the married single parent and I am a man. My wife is the workaholic.
She wont go to counseling even though it is offered free at her work. She offers me no emotional support in any of my projects and I have to practically beg her to say nice things to me. She accuses me of “only caring about sex” because I complain that she won’t even commit to trying to have 2 romantic nights a month.
I am not the tidiest guy however I still do all the laundry most of the cooking and attempt to keep up on the house. all while working and getting a second degree. she doesn’t neglect the kids she tries to be there for them but she refuses to be there for me her or our relationship.
I don’t see how I can get out and win in this situation. She makes loads more money than I do. My brother in-law is a divorce attorney and a good one. I am a man and she is a woman. If I were a woman I wouldn’t be as worried. But as a man If I got out I would most likely loose every thing and my daughters would be raised by a nanny because she still will be at work.
She does work too much. she goes to work at 8:00 am and comes home at 1:00 am. she is dead tired.
Great post. I just bought my first house. At the moment it’s full of roommates (one of which happens to be my boyfriend). we’re all in our 20’s so it’s no big deal, none of us have kids.
But for a while now, i’ve felt like i’ve been doing everything when it comes to my boyfriend and i. I work a 40 hour 8-5 job every week, and when i come home, i’m cleaning up after everyone. he works 36 hours a week 3 12 hour shifts. So he has 4 whole days off and all he does with his extra time is play video games. I don’t really expect him to clean up after the other roommates or anything, but he doesn’t even go out and do stuff.. with or without me. he just sits around and plays games or eats junk food. He is totally taking advantage of me and being inconsiderate to the amount of work i actually do. he thinks he works SO much harder than everyone else. I don’t have any idea what he does with his money. he should be making about as much as i am making, but for some reason he’s always broke. “i’ll have the money next week” is a phrase i hear all the time. And then his random trips to the store to buy this and that (albeit they are useful things like food and cleaning supplies) it’s like “i thought you were broke.” overall, i think getting a house was a good idea. this way, if he slacks on his rent, i can tell him to get out.
Hey. This is my first time here….. You hit the nail on the head with this post. I too was a married single mother for 10 years…. My kids are the first to say how much better things got once we were on our own. It’s been 8 years now, and we have a healthy, happy, hard-working household!
I can relate to so much of what has been written on this blog. I’m a wife/mom of 3 kids (ages 5 1/2, 4 and 20 months). I have been married for nearly 7 years. I am married and misearabe, married and lonely and last but not least, married yet single. I met my husband while in college and like others, I had been through so many bad relationships in the past. He seemed everything a woman could ask for. Just to put his positive aspects out there; he’s hardworking, somewhat god-fearing (not enough or he’d know what the Bible means about loving your wife like Christ loved the Church), and he’s good with managing the household finances. However, he’s lacking big time as a husband and a father…I’m only good for cooking, cleaning and bedroom time and by bedroom time, cuddling is out of the question…After meeting my husband, I eventually dropped out of college and moved closer to his home town…Although we dated for 2 years before getting married, which was ample time to complete my degree, I didn’t go back to school…I put my life on hold…We started a family shortly after marrying….I haven’t worked outside of the home in about 6 years…I have always wanted to see my marriage all the way to the end, but it’s getting more difficult by the day…I am tired of being unhappy…I am a christian and believes in staying and fighting for my marriage, but I can’t anymore….it all seems in vain…it doesn’t seem like it will get better….my husband is a male chauvinist if I ever knew one…He’s quick to point out the woman’s role but can’t seem to see what his role should be, other than working…working is superb, but it takes more than that….I have so much on me….I have student loans and other bills that I can’t pay due to me not working….I want to go back to work but I don’t want my son (whose 20 months) going to childcare until he’s at least 3 years old…My husband seems to agree…but yet he treats me as if I’m burden….Believe me, I want to get out and work so badly…I need interaction with other people my age or around my age…I’m around my kids all the time….He moved me to a new town to accommodate his job…I don’t have friends here…we bought a home here, so we’re here for some time considering the economy and the current housing market….I want out of this so badly but I can’t and don’t know how to…I don’t have an income and haven’t worked in 6 years….How do I begin to get out this miserable life? I have my 3 kids….I don’t know what to do…I don’t want to be in this home with him another moment….And he’s already stated that if I wanted out, I can leave….He’s not leaving his home…this is sad because it would be easier for him to leave…and if he really cared about his kids or me, he would…Any suggestions, please pass them to me….my email address is shemose17@yahoo.com
P.S. I try to tell him that I didn’t get married to be single and lonely…I guarantee I would have been much happier single with a career….Uhh…I feel so awful reflecting on it…just miserable…those of you who have managed to get out….please advise as I have be living dependently on him for nearly 7 years.
Thanks
I’m not sure why but this reminds me of that movie, the Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
It’s a weird thing thinking you made a decision for life with a partner who you don’t recognize over time. Like, you never thought you would need to explain that their behaving this way goes against the creed of marriage or common code of raising a human being … I’ll never again find myself in a position of teaching a grown man why it’s important to flush the toilet or view appropriate movies and tv shows.
What happened to the person who I had married … they became confused and couldn’t find there way out of a hole. Can’t join ‘em … don’t think about it. I don’t even like looking back.
so what’s the first step down that road to freedom? this whole situation, ten years old in april, is affecting me physically. i’ve had a headache everyday since october, i get sick to my stomach coming “home” when he’s here….and on constant ref alert when he’s “disciplining” the childdren. i have expressed my unhappiness before, but he doesn’t hear me. I NEED THAT FIRST STEP. past that, i’ll take off running.
Call an attorney – usually they’ll consult with you for a very small fee, if not for free.
Then find a put the plan into action. Move.
A
And, before you make a call from your phone. Cover your tracks. Think of every day forward as you are now the one calling the shots. You cannot afford the luxury of second guessing yourself. YOU are the President. The whole of life will follow you … trust.
I'm writing this with my one year old in my lap while my husband is playing XBox. I am miserable and it's because if his inadequacy as a father. He won't change a diaper, he won't clean the house, he doesn't comfort our son when he's crying – he shuts him in his room!, he won't put him to sleep, he won't watch him even so I can take a shower. He works and plays XBox. If he happens to do laundry (once a month, maybe) it's only his laundry. He won't do mine or the baby's.
If I left I'd be fine. I could move back with family, get financial aid to finish my degree, and take my kid to church without having my husband tell me how much crap it is. So why am I so afraid?
I'm glad you have written this b/c my married friends ask how I do it and I say " my life is easier this way" than b4…..and they still don't get it….
I've lived in both worlds. I’ve been a "married single mom" (5 years) and an actual single mom (4 years). Yes, there were some great things about being a single mom – for ME, but not necessarily for my children (I have 5 and 3 year old girls). I have to say that for me there were more benefits of being a married single mom, so much so that I remarried my ex-husband and the father of my children, and I have to say that I appreciate my situation so much more second time around. The funny thing is that this is probably because I had the time to discover who I was and how to function without looking to anyone else for my happiness, to live up to my expectations or for support. Now I KNOW I can get it done alone, I KNOW how to make myself happy and content, independent of anyone else. Now I'm so used to doing it alone because I had to, I look at my husband as more a bonus for me, but mostly for my children. My daughters adore their dad and love having him around. I wouldn’t give back being a single mom for the world, because that is ultimately the reason why we work a whole lot better second time around.
I love this post!!! Great! Oh, Lord, I am addicted to MSM! =
This is a wonderful post… and I say that as a former married single mother, former signle mother, and now very happily married co-parenting mother. Been there, done that. My daughter is happiest now (in part because mom is the happiest she's ever been!), but certainly much happier with one stable, happy parent than with two miserable, unstable ones.
Very, very well said. Thank you for this comment.