Maybe I’m just in a giddy mood.
Or maybe I have a very literal sense of humor.
But this comment left by Mom Cat under my Ultimate Single Mom Contest post still has me giggling. I asked you all why you love being a single mom, here is her reason:
“My house is mine again… It feels good to live in a home that smells like orange essential oil instead of like Mr. Can’t-bother-to-wipe-his-own-butt.”
Oh, the memories of the ex-husband stenches and messes. HILARIOUS, I tell you. That’s way better than Mr. Right Now, Mr. Good Enough and even Mr. Man. Let’s remind ourselves why we are single moms…
Who was your ex-husband?
Complete this sentence with a comment: My ex-husband was Mr. [blank].
Be nice and funny if you can. If not, vent all you want. I’m not going to do it because I’d have to delete this blog.
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I actually refer to mine as Mr. Dryer Lint, because he was as exciting as dryer lint! (actually, I think dryer lint has more personality, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt)
My ex was “Mr. Defensive.” Even if I was calling his name from the kitchen to find out if he wanted mayo on his sandwich, he would snap back “WHAT?!?” That got really old! Then it made me wonder..why is he always acting so guilty? Then, I divorced him.
Mr. “Wouldn’t-know-Happy-if-it-smacked-him-in-the-ass”
The glass isn’t just half-empty, it’s empty. His grass is never green…dead, brown, and ugly. (Apparently, that was me.)
What a waste.
Mr. love child of Borat, Homer Simpson, and Clark Griswold.
My ex-husband was Mr. Screw everything with legs (gender is not an issue)… and bring the nasty germs home to my wife, the mother of our four kids, all while being completely and utterly pissed off about everything said wife tries to do for me or our family and criticizing every attempt she makes to be a good wife and mother. Pretty much – being divorced from him is a F*#&%ing vacation!
Wow, that sounds just like my ex….except we only had 3 kids….
I was married to Mr I am never ever ever wrong – EVER because its all your fault if I am perhaps wrong.
Mr. Nothing-is-ever good enough. Honestly, I cook a meal for 2 hours and the chicken is dry. I do his laundry but I didnt take his shirt out soon enough. I have his child but I took too long. HA! Good riddens sour puss.
Mr. Waiting-For-The-Laugh-Track-To-Kick-In
I almost can’t bear to watch sitcoms anymore. The man was funny. Is still funny, in fact. Even after finding out about the cheating, even after the separation and subsequent divorce, he can still make me laugh harder than anyone else. But my crush on Ray Romano? Kaput.
BOO!
Happy Halloween! Be well, MSM!
“Mr. Marry-Each-Faith-Once”
Get this: his first wife was a Christian, he second wife (me) was Jewish, and his brand new wifey-poo is a Muslim!
I wonder if next he will move on to the non-theistic religions like Wicca, Buddhism, Shinto…?
You guys are KILLING me.
My ex was Mr. Image Management.
All about the image, nothing about the substance. Gawd’s honest truth.
Mr. Selfish
The world revolves around him; not a good quality for a husband and father to have.
I had one too.
He wanted me to be his "Cheerleader "
Now he's miserable, broke and married to the nanny !! HE HE !
I love to watch the KARMA unfold !
Mr. I Never Finish Anything/Can’t Follow Thru
… never finished college (and went to 2 separate ones!)
… wanted to be married but never spent time w/his wife
… wanted a family but spent more time at work
… thought the grass was greener with the girlfriend he acquired 9 years into our marriage when his wife was pregnant w/their second child .. after leaving wife for said GF, she eventually threw him out after 18 months
… couldn’t hold down a job longer than 18 months
Wait, wait, wait…what about ex-wives?
Mine was Mrs. Too-Good-For-You.
15 years of marriage, and she had convinced herself that the grass was greener anywhere but with me. Now she’s supporting her loser boyfriend, and is pregnant by him. That must be real fun.
Hey Jim read mine, the track runs both ways ! Girl or boy, there's no gender discrimination in growing up.
Mr. stick in the mud
I was with this man for 8 years we built a house, had a child, lost loved ones to cancer, I went through cancer and with all of that we forgot each other. He just wasn’t strong enough for me to be allowed to be weak once in while. Why are good strong men so hard to find. If he could of just had a backbone and more confidence I think we could have made it. We are still best friends and would be great roommates ( that is the american way, isn’t it???)
Mr. Center Of Attention. He couldn’t stand for anyone not to like him or not pay attention to him. I guess it could also be called selfish.
He could also be put under either Susan or Mommaliss’s descriptions. He was those things also.
Mr. Lie straight to my face about everything from what he ate for lunch to why he didn’t come home three nights in a row.
AND
Mr. Too weak of a person to handle a strong woman who loved him unconditionally regardless of his MANY flaws. Well, that got old obviously, and now I can’t wait to share my love with someone who deserves it. Not only do I know I can love that way again, but I know I will love better and smarter. It sucks that my marriage didn’t work, but now I get a do over, and this one will be good.
Tricia, I think I was married to your ex’s twin! I always joke, using the glass half full / half empty thing. I’m Ms Glass Completely Full, he was Mr The Glass is Shattered all Over the GD Floor!
Mine would be Mr. I want it all but don’t want to work for it. My ex wanted anything and everything, new house, new car, boy “toys”, what ever…. and when ever he wanted something that was all he could think about. The electric bill could wait so he could go and get a new “toy”. And then there were the always fun “if we didn’t have these kids I could get this” comments he would make. Those were great.
Mine was Mr. 5 Minute Meal because whenever he came home from work and the unexpected 2 hour stop at the bar he expected a seven course dinner. Running around after three small children, cleaning the house, doing all the yard work and maintenance, and cooking some kind of dinner wasn’t enough to keep him happy. So he would yell “Another 5 minute meal!” and run back to the bar.
5 years out of that marriage and I still hear his voice saying that at dinner time.
Mr. Yard-Of-The-Month-Turned-Jungle
A repeating cycle throughout our entire marriage. He would sit down and design these grandiose landscape layouts, spend loads of money, do all this back-breaking work, turn our yard into a fantastical masterpiece of perfect vegetation design, lean back proudly on his shovel handle to bask in the beauty of his manly handiwork… and then would never lift a finger afterward. The whole thing would always end up looking like total poo inside of a month.
Coincidentally, he played this same cycle out in most every area of our marriage, as well.
Mr. Pseudo-intellectual/artist who lies to everyone about everything and expects EVERYONE in the world to think he is awesome even though he is an ass. This has to be the funniest post and comments I have ever read. Thank goodness we are all without these dirt bags!!!
Mr. I’m too broke to pay for childcare, rent, groceries, etc……. Oh, look! 500 dollars to gamble!
Oh my friends I have seen the same story !
My ex never could pay for child support, but he could buy a house for twice what we could afford when we were married and both working. Now he's married to the nanny, who makes nothing, he now has another childs and thinks that his mother and his ex wife should carry all of his financial obligations. What a work of art……
Mr. Bubble (not the pink, happy guy on the bottle)
Things only make sense in his bubble, outside of that bubble, the world is a worthless, useless place where people speak a different language, follow stupid “rules” and don’t like it when you blast off your shotgun when you get pissed. Imagine That! Might as well just stay in the bubble and blame the outside world, even if it means not visiting your daughter.
Note* Mr, Bubble will try to suck you into his bubble and make you play by HIS rules. He is deaf to everything else. You might as well be speaking Japanese.
Mine was Mr. Cannot-Make-Up-His-Damn-Mind, even right down to whether or not he wanted to try to make it work or just give up.
Mr. It is all her fault-so he didn’t have to look like the bad guy for leaving his 6 month old son and mother of his child.
He told me on my son’s 6 month birthday that he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been happy since before I was pregnant. He said he wanted to leave but his parents would kill him. I told him to leave and he told everyone I kicked him out because he was having emotional problems.
My ex was/is: Mr. You-Can’t-Do-Anything-Quick-Enough-or-Right-Enough…..Just Let Me Do It!!!
Seriously, if I put a glass in the dishwasher the “wrong” way, he’d just grab it out of my hand and do it himself. Or if he was showing me something on the computer, if I didn’t “get it” quick enough, huge sigh of exasperation. God….how did I put up with that for sooo long?
Jenn….I think my ex must be related to yours….he dressed up as the Burger King tonight…just so people would gasp and carry on over him. So irritating….
Well, my son’s father, would be Mr. Peter Pan Syndrome and the most recent ex, would be Mr. Multiple Personality. I think I am taking a man hiatus for a while.
Mine would be Mr. Narcissist Pothead. Had a PhD and thought he could do anything — and I mean anything he wanted! Now he’s paying for it dearly.
I’m choking on laughter here!
I’d have to say Mr. No I didn’t say that, seriously, whatever I’m leaving, just like everytime you call me out on my bs.
It’s so nice knowing he won’t be on my doorstep pretending to have no recollection or stomping off like a 2 year old when things don’t go his way like me rudely expecting him to do more than quit another job and play video games while I work.
And it feels great knowing I was the one swinging the door that was hitting him in the butt.
Mr. I’ll Get to It When It Suits Me
This applies to working for a decent wage. Putting away laundry. Anything and everything.
Great example: He assumed a different last name about 15 yrs ago. Was supposed to legally change it before we got married. Didn’t. Was supposed to legally change it before the kidlet was born. Didn’t. Even tho I completed the forms and got 2 of my friends to sign off as guarantors AND wrote the cheque. All he had to do was mail it. When kidlet was born, I waited 6 months then went ahead and got her a birth certificate with my last name, not mine and his, hyphenated, as planned.
Fast forward a year and we’re splitting. And his lawyer is wanting me to sign off on all of the forms to change kidlet’s last name to HIS last name, even tho he STILL hadn’t changed his own. Excuse me? My kid with a last name that is not her mum’s OR her dad’s. F**k that. She’s got my last name and she will have my last name until such time she is old enough to decide on her own.
Phew. Sorry. Still peeves me off.
Thanks for the inspiration: http://badmummynocookie.blogspot.com/2008/11/former-mister.html
Mr. I’m-Too-Good-For-That-Job.
My ex quit THREE jobs that each pad over 40k during the three years we were married (never securing a new job first)… now he’s working minimum wage while he concocts yet another millionaire-making idea for a website (each of which he gives up on when he thinks of a new idea). He has no follow-though, no direction, and no sense of responsibility to his family.
Mr. If you don’t like it leave (when we were married and he thought I’d never actually do it)… who turned to Mr. I love you give me another chance even though I’m not capable of ever changing…. who hence then turned into Mr. This whole divorce is your fault since you cheated on me and I hate you and now I will punch myself in the arm and say you did it to try and get you arrested and take the kids from you (didn’t work)…. who has now turned into Mr. I will videotape you every time you drop the kids off at my house because I’m a psychotic manipulative weirdo who can’t get over it and on with his life. Whew… sorry I just couldn’t sum it all up in one phrase!!! BTW I did not cheat on him although now I kinda think I should have. He wasn’t worth my loyalty. Luckily I’m now dating a wonderful, kind, thoughtful and SO good looking guy who makes it all worth it
Well, my mother calls him Dumb Dumb…but he once told me that he tried to be the biggest a**hole he could be, so I guess he’d be Mr. A**hole…and he proclaimed it. I’m not even sure there is a word that properly describes him.
Mine would be Mr. Never-met-a-bar-of-soap.
Seriously guys…how hard is it to smell nice for us ladies…we do it for you.
Mine would probably be Mr. Make You Think You’re the Bad One
I think this list should now become every single mom’s red flag list… wow.
Mr. All Charm and no Substance. Unless they’re chemical.
Hey! Not all of us even HAVE an ex husband (or wife). You don’t have to get married to be knocked up, nor get divorced to end up being a single parent. Just sayin’…
Also I’d say that not all fathers (or mothers) who are the non-custodial parent are bad people or low lifes that aren’t doing their part, to the best of their ability, to help raise their kids – even if one parent (me) shoulders 90% of the responsibility.
But I know that Alaina certainly knows this, even if a lot of other single mothers don’t. Sigh. I feel bad that there are so many moms & increasing numbers of dads who are going it alone and feel only bitterness or anger toward the other (slacker) parent. Happy parent, happy kid. Pissed off parent, angry messed up kiddos.
I will NEVER say a bad word about my daughters dad to her as long as I live. No matter how much more I wish he would do to step up in being a Father, her opinion of him will be formed by what SHE decides, and that’s between them. I get to let him screw up, make mistakes, pay $0-$middlin’ for her care, put his ex wife & their kids before OUR daughter, etc. b/c that’s his journey with her…. She’s a smart cookie. She’ll figure out just how much he did (or didn’t) do without any assistance from me.
All things considered, he does a better job loving her than my dad did loving me. In fact, he adores her. What happened with our relationship (=fail) can’t possibly change that. I thank G-d everyday for sending that baby to me. She CHOSE her parents. Who am I to say she made a mistake?
So… Ya know what? Her dad is great. Just the way he is. And so am I.
Mr. Spineless Selfish Arrogant Unaware, Esquire IV
No backbone, unwilling to compromise, thinks he’s better than, and doesn’t know a good thing.
Mr. Crankypants McGrumpersons.
Thanks for the laughs! How is it possible that so many of us married the same man?!?
I know I’m Late On the Matter but I have to get this out… Mr. I’m Sorry I Asked That Asked that 19 year old girl for a BJ, But it’s really not Considered cheating because we only talked about it. Or how about Mr Two DUI’s but no drinking proplem…(Right!)
this is the funniest thing i’ve ever read! i’m so happy there are single ladies out there with loser ex’s like me!!
ok my ex is Mr. woe is me!!!!
The baby is crying, i just can’t deal with this right now i’m having an anxiety attach. I need to go play tiger woods on my play station until 4am to calm down. The next day i can’t bathe the kids i didn’t get any sleep last night, b/c of my condition!!!
i was raising 2 kids by myself already, so i said what the heck rather do it and be single!!! And i’m lovin it. He still sucks as a father though, which stinks.
Ok.. this is cute.
My ex is Mr. I would rather look at porn than have sex with you because I “love you too much to have sex with you”
OR
Mr. I get home from work at 10pm so I need 5 hours to unwind playing WoW and watching Porn.
OR
Mr. Since we split up I am not going to pay water or electricity so they get shut off with you and my daughters living in the house.
OR
Mr. Oh… I forgot your birthday. Yea well, I was pissed at you so… whatever.. happy birthday.
Huh…
So glad I got outta that 1.5 year relationship.
Mr I would rather do drugs then be at the birth of our child no I do not have a drinking problem sorry we have to file for bankrupsy everything is all your fault I am always right you are a bitch if you would just try more… I could go on but you get where I am going. 10 years with that man.. married.. he left me when I was 6 months preggo and says that it was MY fault that he left.
I do have to say that he has finally cleaned up his act, been clean and sober for a year now and is trying but still no child support!!!!!!! We are trying to get along for the kid… but he wants sex and Momma ain’t givin it up to him… Oh SHIT did I just say that!
Mr. Sociopath…….literally.
My ex-husband was Mr. Lied about his age to bang down 18 yr. old band groupies/sluts/whores.
Or….
My ex-husband was Mr. Too Fucking Lazy and selfish to get a job to support any of the now 6 children he has because one day his band might make it “big” so he needs to devote every waking hour to that goal.
Too fucking bad he slept all day and partied all night, he’s now 37, sill no job, still being supported by the girlfriend of the month, and does tattoos so he can pay child support for all 6 of his kids with 4 different mothers, and the band is still a bunch of nobodies playing in local bars for barely 450 a gig.
I swear, when I met him and married him, he was normal, clean cut, had a good job, and now I barely recognize him due to all of the tattoos on every inch of his body.
That should be barely $50 per gig.
Damn stuck shift key. LOL
Mr. society’s rules don’t apply to me and I’ll do whatever I want because everyone LOVES MEEEE and will go along with whatever I say because they are blessed to be living in my happy colorful jolly cult-like world and who cares if I hurt you because I’m still awesome and that’s all that matters.
AKA Mr. Narcissist.
P.S. That was quite therapeutic, actually!
Easy…… my x is Mr. Peckerhead! LOL
Ha! These are hilarious!
Mine was: Mr. “All Men are Assholes and You Married Their King”
(This was from HIS mouth. and damn…was he RIGHT.)
I call him Dr. D. as in…Dr. Douche. (I believe this word embodies him completely as it encompasses ALL of his “qualities”)
Mr. Play-it-by-ear. Nothing is ever planned and I end up cancelling plans because he can’t make it to get the kids. I don’t tell the kids they’re going to Dad’s until he calls and says he’s on his way- no need to disappoint them. They’ll figure it out on their own someday.
I’ve been the first wife of three boys I’ve watched grow up over the years. This post is loaded with humor and I love that this morning.
First husband: Mister Vaginas Scare Me
Second husband: Mister frightened to be thought of as a family man
Third husband: Dr. misery
‘Butthead’ simple as that.
How about the nicknames you hear about after you leave? A family member told me that my co-workers at a new job (where he worked) thought my exes name was Billy cause he had the tendency to call him Billy Bonehead. I laughed so hard I almost cried- especially for the sheepish expression from the family member
Mr. I-dont-know-what-to-freakin’-do-with-my-life-so-i’ll-try-messing-up-yours
Mr. Wrong
Simple but says it all.
Mr control
Nothing like getting a grilled cheese sandwich thrown at you because it wasn’t lightly done. Or getting yelled at because you use the wrong ice cube size to put into his pop.
Fun! I missed this post earlier! Mine was: Mr. Lying is the way to go & deny deny deny if you get caught!
Mr. Bozo … a nickname that encompasses all parts of his clownish personality and behavior.
Mr. Penis Envy
He always had to have the biggest, newest or most expensive of everything; if we had the money or not.
Now he is…
Mr. Holiday because that is the only time he remembers he has a daughter.
These are both hilarious and SO sad that we've all got nicknames to choose from. My ex's?
Mr. Stop Nagging Me-You're Always Trying to Control Me-I'll Get a Job When I Feel Like Getting Out of Bed-Roll Me a Joint-I Need Another Beer-You Think You're SUCH A Better Parent Than I That I Resent You For Resenting Me-PS I Love You and We Need More Babies, C**t.
That was the most concise description of him, ever.
Mr. Social Status Climber. Apparently I was not GOOD enough. Glad as hell I didn't marry the prick!
Mr. "I-changed-my-mind" about the mortgage, diapers, and one woman forever thing.
It's been 8 years since he left me and his two sons to start a less responsible adventure with a younger woman. He never looked back.
my guy was 'mr. o well thought i had it right this time' with 2 yrs of nothin but lies and i even told myself i was not going there again dont know who i am more mad at him or me (ya i am still a lil bitter)
I would call my exhusband Mr. turn your back on her in bed and leave her to wonder what she did wrong while she tends to the kids, keeps the house clean and maintains all the friendships that he contributes nothing to. Mr. cant get a job with anyone who already knows him cuz he has a shitty attitude when he does get hired. Mr. insecure that the wife has more friends, more fun and more confidence than him. Mr.poor me my two pieces of shit cars arent worth anything cuz i ran them both into the ground. Mr. sit on his hairy ass and watch mind numbing sports as if I am actually playing them which I cant cuz I have too big a belly. Mr. watches his wife have a 12 lb baby and then asks her when he tummy will get back to normal.
Mr. watch your wife kick your sorry ass to the curb, never look back and thank her lucky stars she doesnt have to listen to you hork in the morning anymore.
Sorry girls……..I'm still pretty mad.
Mine Mr im in control, unstoppable and if you dont agree or stand in my way or try to give me your opinion you wont be able to because only mine counts and can make me happy. what a sorry excuse of a man. And I guess for all those who still are around him and the girl hes using now the old saying misery loves company is iguess in their eyes so true thats why they all get along. No thanx some day he will be stopped andwhat trueths we say about this loser will be by us me and the kids and we will be in control what a relief
OK. I call mine "DB" in casual conversation, but I guess we could also call him Mr. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Oooooo lets see….Mr Meth, Mr fucked my happy lil life up……. I Like this game!!!
Mr. Couldn't Finish Anything he Started —
No matter what we did, businesses, build houses, run rentals, etc., he couldn't finish anything. He would create/start it and then it would drop on my shoulders to carry the responsiblity.
1st ex- Mr. Im gonna screw your best friend of 13 years when you are 5 months pregnant because she didnt live with her mom.
2nd ex- Mr. Nothing you do is good enough… I was too fat, too white, too tall, to loud, too independent, and too busy, and then after I lost my job I was too lazy. Basically a worthless person in his eyes. AND Mr. the government is out to get us and the world is damned and you are too worthless to do anything to stop it and protect me and my kid.
“Mr. wuss boy” That’s why I act tuff push girls around to prove it
hmmm mine would have to be Mr. Statutory rape. OR Mr. I’m going to screw a 15 year old while your pregnant. OR my favorite would be…Mr. Don’t let me hang out with my little girls friends because i’ll probably try and date them….lol hmmmm i could go on and on but i’ll spare you guys the time lol
I was married to Mr. Worst Jerk in the World
After I stayed with him for 10 years. He decided to cheat on me because “I didn’t make him feel like a king..”
wow.
This is soooo sad it is almost laughable. What a horrible, horrible, disappointing read.
I guess the intention was genuinely to have a few light-hearted posts and some good laughs, but has actually become the end of the line to Club Bitterness?
Holy shit.
Mr. Farting Loudly and Randomly!
Mr. You have to follow but I won’t lead
getting him away from the TV almost took an Act of Congress but if I made plans, I was spending too much money, too much time away from home, I never wanted to be with him blah blah blah. I wasn’t allowed to lead but he wouldn’t either.
The kids & I have adventures and fun now!