Comments on: The Dirty Laundry.

By: Single Mom Seeking

Single Mom Seeking — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:43:08 +0000

This post was so honest and real that it inspired us today at Singlemommyhood. Thanks Alaina!! See: http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2009/03/does-dad-c...

By: No Show

No Show — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:22:15 +0000

[...] If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!I got a text message at 5:27 a.m. this morning from Benjamin’s father. [...]

By: Reality.

Reality. — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 05:00:16 +0000

[...] old car was a pile of junk. Benjamin will be safer on his weekly voyages to his house now. But because of his car shopping (not plane ticket shopping -urgh) he couldn’t make it [...]

By: Eyelashes

Eyelashes — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:49:50 +0000

[...] His father is the mysterious man who shows up once a week to pick him up for an overnight. We barely know each other any more. I can’t even remember what it felt like to be in love with him – I must have been delusional, I think. There’s nothing there now. Nothing at all. Just a shadow of the girl I used to be… a naive girl who would fall for a man and marry him on a whim because he needed a Green card. [...]

By: Ms. Single Mama

Ms. Single Mama — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:40:49 +0000

Because of your inspiring comments I suggested to the Ex that he take one day off of Benjamin this week – to cut down on his time at my place.

He took both days off instead.

Sigh.

I think we will have to sit down and I’ll have to tell him not to come into my house anymore. I think Mr. Anonymous’ point about the blurred lines – Benjamin’s blurred lines wondering why dad is in the house so much and not living there and also seeing him leaving a mess and not cleaning it up – leaving a bad example. Those really hit home.

Wish me luck and thank you all so much for your insight. It’s helped me more than you know.

By: Spinnster mama

Spinnster mama — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:45:31 +0000

I am a single mom to an awesome 2 year old girl and am currently trying to establish boundries… my ex only wants to be involved with our daughter if its really easy for him to do so, can’t have unsupervised visitation because of drug use, so wants to do it at my house which I am not comfortable with. But if it means more time my daughter gets to spend with him… well you know the guilt drill.

If he would pull his life together I wouldn’t be in this position so in a way are we enableing them to continue to be irresponsible and not doing what they need to do to be somewhat decent fathers? Its a short term/ long term quandry… if we say no- go get your sh*t together and when you do then I might go out of my way a bit, then we are “taking that time away from their relationship” (really he is taking that time away, but you know how it seems). But if we say yes- then they get by doing whatever they feel like doing, working whatever they feel like working without the drive of doing better for their childs welfare motivating them like we do, and nothing ever changes. We continue to be walked on and the ex has a superficial child-like relationship to their child, more of a buddy than an actual parent.

I don’t know what to do either, but I’m very thankful that there is someone else writing about her experiences in the same kind of grey-area single mom issues to help others feel like this lameness isn’t just limited to them

Good Luck!

By: Mr. Anonymous®

Mr. Anonymous® — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 05:23:48 +0000

Hey Alaina! [smile]

It was great talking to you, but Denmark was quite some time ago. JUST started reading your blog again, and…

Hmmm…. wow… you ARE in the thick of it.

and bleeding all over the page.

As someone who can speak with great authority after raising 2 children alone. NO mother. I played BOTH roles and can now see, 15 years on what path you are currently walking…

I didn’t read ANY comments before i started writing, cuz i suspect there are a few HATERS in there and i didn’t want to color what i had to say to you.

You seem to be “coping”, yet you deserve so much more and it’s so hard to point and say LOOK, because we all must EXPERIENCE it firsthand to gain understanding.

EX? – Hubby in the mother’s Den – NOT a good idea. Here’s why. For some time, Benjamin will attempt to s-t-re-t-c-h reality as you hear him say things like this “Mom, why can’t dad live with us?”

“Why can’t daddy move closer to our house” (or vice-versa.)

SEVER THE BOND BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR EX-HUSBAND BEFORE it becomes a problem for BENJAMIN.

Dad lives 90 minutes away – so be it.

KILL THE TRANSPORTS. Ben has NO business playing the football as he’s swapped between camps…

ONCE a Month is PLENTY. Ben doesn’t need Daddy right now. He only needs YOU.

Daddy don’t give a shit so fuck him. He’s just USING YOU. AGAIN.

LAUNDRY, C’mon what is he 19 ?

- Cut the shit before it cuts you. You’ve got to start building LIMITS a.s.a.p. or before you know it, hubby will PROGRAM the crap out of the boy and you’ll have a MAJOR battle on your hands. The type that requires a telephone call made to your workplace during the day stating that “Daddy” has showed up UNANNOUNCED at the daycare and all hell’s gonna break loose…

START Drawing the lines [BORDERS] on the map the way YOU wnat to see them MAINTAINED for the next 10 YEARS !!

Tell me i’m wrong…

ps: GET SOME SLEEP, You look beautiful !

ps2: send him to “Dad’s” ONE Weekend a month, WEDNESDAY night TO SUNDAY.

ps3: Let Daddy know you DON’T love him.

SECRET TIP: Get Ben a Prepaid CELLPHONE and HIDE IT. butt resist the urge !! – DON’T CALL, He’ll call you.

By: solo mama

solo mama — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:33:58 +0000

I’ve been there, mama. My ex used to come to my house to spend his “parenting time” with our daughter too. But I kept coming home to a trashed house and evidence he was showering and doing his laundry. We both a greed that she would spend the days at his new pad and we would designate a public place to conduct the kid swap. This is working for us now and I feel like my life is more private and clutter free and it’s easier to toss that loose “baggage” out the window, if you know what I mean.

By: LTP

LTP — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:40:17 +0000

When my husband and I split, I let him keep our house–mostly b/c I was dying to get away, be somewhere (in the same town) new, away from memories….and believe me, I regret that decision nearly every day. When I have to go over there, which is rare, it breaks my heart–to see my overgrown flower beds, the paint colors I chose, the murals I painted in my sons’ rooms….but that was the choice I made. It’s HARD to now want to look around, notice things on the desk, stuff tacked to the fridge….I mean, this used to be MY place, too!!! There have even been a couple of times that I had to go over there when he wasn’t home….and it was soooo tempting to snoop around, but I didn’t….again, it mostly just made me sad.

I’m not sure how I would feel about the laundry thing but leaving messes everywhere is just silly and immature. Leaving a mess has nothing to do with lack of money–it’s just rude. A few loads of laundry? Not such a big deal really….unless it’s like 13 loads of laundry and he uses all of your detergent/fabric softener/dryer sheets!! That crap is expensive!!!!

My overall feeling is one of agreement with MSM…..at least your son is in a safe and familiar place with his dad….

By: Laura

Laura — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 03:40:32 +0000

Gosh I couldnt ever have my ex in my house – EVER!!

If he HAD to he would need to understand the rules!!! VERY CLEARLY!

But I totally get how its hard when you in that situation!!!

Hopefully the laundry was a once off so you dont have to confront him!