The ultimate prize: a single mom.

by mssinglemama on October 21, 2008

Men, men, men.

They certainly are falling from the sky lately.

Leah, of Mama Dharma.net, a phenomenal single mom blog I just discovered, asked me what my secret was in her comment on my last post. And I have to answer because I think each and every one of you has the potential to unlock the same secret. It’s called inner beauty and strength.

It’s definitely not all about looks, believe me. I have three brothers, I work with a team of men and I like to think I understand them fairly well. And if it were… do you really want to attract a man who is just into your looks? I sure as hell don’t.

So why am I currently fighting men off with sticks?

First, let’s look at the men (there are many I haven’t told you about as well – just dates here and there, non-noteworthy) but most are single dads, divorced or over the age of 30. In other words – they are all mature. And they know what they want – especially if they’ve dated a single mom before. If a man I’m on a date with has been with a single mom before, the stigma falls away. He’s already over the “kid thing” and has, as I like to put it, seen the light.

Here’s why single mothers are so appreciated and coveted by men:

1. They can already see what kind of mothers we are. This is huge. Remember, men are simple creatures. And when they can see what kind of mom a woman is that leaves out any guess work. And to men, choosing a good woman to raise their children (with their help, of course) is a priority. You’ll notice this goes both ways when you are dating a single dad.

2. We cook, clean and work. Wow. That about covers all of a man’s other needs – to a guy, that’s hot. I never knew how sexy men found home cooked meals until I became a single mom. They eat it up, literally and then fall even harder for you. This doesn’t mean we’re going to continue doing all of that work if we permanently catch a man – but they see that we already know how to do everything they’d want from a traditional “wife”. It’s very primal, really and to men, it’s sexy. 

3. We’re hot just by our very nature. Most of us are cool, calm and collected under pressure and when we do get out to have a fun night – we’re excited to be there, happy, easy to please, low maintenance and comfortable in our own skin. This does not, however, mean we’ll allow them to treat us badly – we’re just more relaxed about the little things single childless women may blow out of proportion. Men definitely like this side of us.

4. Single moms are refreshing. I hear this all of the time. You heard it in my video on Dating Single Moms. The word “refreshing” is a common one when describing single mothers. It’s because we’re real. Again, something that comes to us by default. Just live one day in the life of a single mother and you’ll understand why.

5. We are caretakers. Men love women who will take care of them when they’re sick and love them unconditionally – basically they love moms. They see this love in how we treat our children and it’s attractive. This is borderline Freudian at times, so just be sure you’re not attracting a guy with a sick mommy complex, but for the most part it can work in our favor. 

But above all, in order to become a man magnet, you have to believe in yourself and believe that you are still sexy – in fact, you’re even sexier than you were before the kids. Trust me on this one, men don’t care if you’re a single mom and I would argue, that to many men, single moms are preferred.  

Tonight I told a group of guys, one of whom had dated a single mom – “Once you date a single mom, you can’t go back!” They absolutely agreed. I can’t blame them.

This list could be much longer, but it’s late and guess what – I have to go to sleep. Another day tomorrow of this single mom life that I adore so very much…

[Photo: You MUST have one of these - major help in picking up men]

Related posts:

  1. The ultimate single dad.
  2. Single Mom Reflex #1: Take care of each other
  3. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4
  4. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 5.
  5. Single moms and the men who love us.

{ 3 trackbacks }

The Dirty Laundry.
October 23, 2008 at 5:30 am
The Ultimate Single Mom Contest
October 25, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Distant Storms (and some sex).
January 27, 2009 at 6:18 am

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

Wyliekat October 22, 2008 at 6:14 am

Food, sex, and continuation of their line – in some ways, I’d hope that’s not all a man is about. But in other ways, I think it’s probably true.

Buddy was a single (more than half-time) dad for many years, and I still love watching him eat a meal. He just gets this look on his face of wonder/appreciation/dedication. I do recall, at one point early on, blurting out “Wow. You really needed to be fed.”

S’truth. He did.

Flip side? I think women really should look for single dads out there. You can find out pretty much all you need to know about a man’s character when you discover the cause of the end of their relationship, coupled with the amount of time/interest they spend on their children) .

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Leslie October 22, 2008 at 7:52 am

The only downside to single motherhood I could see is the late nights I pull. So if you can sleep with the dishwasher going, the lights and tv on while I’m ironing then sure – sleep over sometime :)

Kidding aside, I agree with the whole list. Once you get over the initial issues about kids the benefits are endless aren’t they!

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Laura October 22, 2008 at 8:18 am

What a totally cool list!!

I agree with it all!

I am definately alot more confident in my sexuality now than I have ever been and alot of men comment on that and say how nice it is to be with someone who is confident in themselves!!

SINGLE MOMMAS ROCK!

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jenn October 22, 2008 at 8:29 am

Great list. Thanks for the boost of confidence.

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mamaandthecity October 22, 2008 at 9:57 am

I love your blog. I read it often but have never posted a comment.
Currently I’m going through a separation and am 8 months pregnant. Your blog gives me hope of where I can be in a year or two. Thanks for that.

And I can’t believe how many single moms there are, it’s like a whole different undiscovered world!

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mommypie October 22, 2008 at 10:01 am

Awesome list Miss Thang. Now, if I could learn to cook, I’d have it made! ;)

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T October 22, 2008 at 10:46 am

I do love this post. So true… so true!

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PT-LawMom October 22, 2008 at 12:41 pm

I think the shirt is awesome. I just wish it was in a more “bigger girl”-friendly style. Perhaps a Misses-size v-neck? ;) Lots of the shirts seem more Junior-sized.

And ITA. We are totally hawt multi-taskers! :)

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Leah October 22, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Yay! Thanks so much for such a thoughtful answer to my question. And thanks for the props, too :)
Right back atcha!!

You reminded me of something I already knew but had kind of forgotten — that men are attracted to confident, capable women.

Single motherhood is good for many things, and #1 for me is character-building. I went from a dependent, immature little girl to a strong, self-assured woman as a rite of single mom passage.

I still do have some work to do on my self-esteem though because I think I do believe on some level that most men are not interested in a woman who has a kid.

As far as the caretaking thing…I have always sucked at it! That was my ex’s number one complaint about me. I do think I have gotten a lot better at responding to other peoples’ needs in a healthy (not codependent) manner. My son has definitely taught me about that, LOL :)

OK but here is a follow up question for you, MSM or any of your readers: as a single mom, how do you actually MEET men? Is it through work? Through online connections? Friends? In line at the grocery store? I am totally curious.

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Leah October 22, 2008 at 2:07 pm

oh woops, I missed your response to my other comment with the link to the other post that answers my question! thanks for that. I need to figure out how to subscribe to comments :)

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Jolene October 22, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Leah,

I have not had any luck meeting men in line at the grocery store but that is probably because I am usually in line with three kids that are trying to put candy in the cart without me looking or running all over… shoot a naked clown could be in the line next to me and I would not notice them. I personally met my new guy at work; however I have the privilege of working with mostly men (98 men vs. 4 women). But I have noticed that at work I am a totally different person, I am in control, I am confident, I am respected so for me it worked out great. My new guy got to know me in my work mode and not my single-mom mode. When I thought about the idea of meeting men as a single mother I thought for sure I would be alone forever, I am not saying that the guys are lining up to date me but it is not as hard to meet people as I first was scared of. I however have not been doing this long but I do know after talking to some of the men I work with the term single mom is a turn on to a lot of guys and for the exact reason blogged about above. We are confident, we don’t need a man to live a healthy happy life, we for the most part usually have our lives together and for guys that is apparently a big deal (and frankly it is a big deal for me to date someone that has their own life together).

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jonb October 22, 2008 at 2:27 pm

i would add that with being a parent a certain level of maturity is involved. I hate to say it, but most women my age are ridiculously immature or at least self involved. I equate a single mom to an alder woman in the sense that they suddenly have a reality check and have to find out who they are because raising a child and determining what you value and want to instill in him or her, makes you reflect on yourself. Being self aware and understanding of who you are and what you want are very important in being happy in a relationship. Being a single mom gives confidence and self assurance, very attractive qualities.

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mssinglemama October 22, 2008 at 7:11 pm

Leah – gosh, I don’t even know how to subscribe to my own comments. Maybe up at the top in RSS – is there a comment option? Hmmm… I’ll ask Brad – the WordPress King.

And as far as meeting them – not one of mine has been through an online dating site. The last few have been at festivals, the book store, coffee shops or bars.

Yeah – Jolene – the grocery store daydream hasn’t happened to me yet and haven’t met anyone at work (can’t go there – ever! but it does happen). That’s SO cool that you did and that’s a really good point – getting to know them without the kids around is ideal if they don’t have any of their own.

I think the key is to open your eyes when you are out. Most of my girlfriends, I’ve found, don’t even realize how many men are checking them out. Especially us recently divorced girls, we’ve just been out of ti for so long.

Thanks for giving the man’s perspective Jon B.! We’ve missed you … you’re in your mid-20′s right?

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jonb October 22, 2008 at 7:26 pm

A, I am a ripe 27, 28 years old in January. I have dated several single moms over the years, the most recent being the one I spent the most time with. All of them sort of had a no bs mentality. The woman I just met recently and have been dating for a couple weeks now is 32, and she has a lot of the same traits. Assured, strong, confident, life experience. I think motherhood tacks a good five years of emotional growth on to a woman. Lisa loves that I am a charmer and know how to have fun, but at the same time we stay up till mimdnight talking about religion, our families, life, and even music some nights. The things I see in her rmeind me so much of the mental strength of you single moms. For my money, an older woman or single mom is where it’s at if you want someone who you can build a partership with in life.

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Anonymous October 22, 2008 at 7:43 pm

First and last time ever reading this blog. Let me try and deflate that rather large egotistical head you have resting on your shoulders (if you aren’t too tired fighting men off with sticks). You have a son, he is the man in your life so please stop chasing after everything that pro-creation told you to desire just until your son at least hits elementary, and hopefully by then if you still aren’t too wrapped up in your ego and good looks you can maybe start him a college fund? Also, confidence is quite different from arrogance. I think for some reason you believe you’re better/more attractive/smarter than the general population, and I gathered this information just within the last 47 minutes of my life I wasted reading your blog. By the way, I have four brothers and I also work with a team of men, and trust me it isn’t confidence that turns them on, it’s when they know they can get what they want. From reading this blog, I get the sense that you, quite willingly and desperately, give men what they want. Anyways, I’m a single mother who drifted onto this site looking for a common ground, and instead I found a woman too afraid to grow up and be a mother. I live every day hoping my child can look up to me and I can always be an inspiration, and I really hope you do too.

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PT-LawMom October 22, 2008 at 8:40 pm

OMG, Anonymous, WTF?!?! Girl, you need to grow up and get over yourself. Hey, at least you are smart enough to admit that Ms. Single Mama is seriously hot. ;)

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Cyndi October 22, 2008 at 9:13 pm

Spot on!

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Jim H. October 23, 2008 at 5:40 am

Your list missed the one, obvious, most important reason men find single mothers hot: We know you like to bang.

We’re not that complicated. We don’t care what kind of mother you are. We don’t care that that you’re refreshing, or that you’re a good caretaker. I will agree that men think you are “hot by nature” (to paraphrase), because obviously, you’ve given it up before, so you’ll probably give it up again. Hopefully, with us.

I’m not trying to be a bad guy. I’m trying to give you the guy perspective.

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Jolene October 23, 2008 at 6:04 am

Wow. I do have to make a comment about the slams here. Just because we are single mom’s does not mean we are dead. We have every right to our own life too. I am a single mother of three and I have to say, I am the best damn mother those kids could ever have and yet I do still have a dating life. It is not like we are bringing random men into the house ( if you would read more then just this one blog you would see how Ms. Single Mama has commented about the fine line between dating and keeping your kids safe and healthy). So just because we are single mom’s that means that we are not able to go out and meet people?????? I get out of my house once every other week, I pay a babysitter every other Saturday so I can go out…. Does that make me a bad mother? I buy myself a drink at the local bar, does that make me a bad mother? Because I think that makes me a better mother… I come home rejuvenated and ready to get back at taking care of my kids. If I NEVER went out, if I never met people of the opposite sex I would not be able to be the kind of mother that I am. Completely engulfing yourself in your kids is not healthy for you and is not healthy for them! Just because someone has a connection with someone does not mean that their kids are not being well taken care of. I have to say…. The negative comments completely appalled me! We are single mothers…. We are not dead!

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mssinglemama October 23, 2008 at 6:38 am

Anonymous:

1. I can completely understand how this post can come off as arrogant. I can, truly.

Sometimes I get fired up and as for “fighting men off with sticks” I think it’s pretty funny actually because I don’t have time to see ANY of them. And this usually doesn’t happen, not in this magnitude. Really.

2. This is a blog about being a dating single mom… I focus on dating issues. There are other amazing blogs focusing more on finances like http://www.fabulousfinancials.com, written by single mothers.

To my readers:

Thanks for coming to my defense… really, thanks. But don’t fret. I’m fine. This has happened before:

http://mssinglemama.com/2008/06/12/single-parenting-is-tough/

I do write things like “Single Moms Rock” and I fully expect to be chastised by some for these beliefs. They’re definitely throwing it in the face of society – saying, “Hey F-you – it is OKAY to be a single mom damn it and I’m proud to be a single mom.”

I expect the hate… sucks when it comes from other single moms.

As for James – are you 13? or maybe 15? Just because we have children DOES not mean we are fast to “put out”.

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Treemama October 23, 2008 at 7:09 am

thanks for the post.

i have to say i get a lot out of what you have to say, and this made me feel so much better about myself (even though i’m on a manfast).

shooting someone down about who they are no matter “who they are” sucks and unless you are filled with hatred and vile nasty gooiness, you should celebrate a woman who has confidence and maybe an ego. having come from the zero confidence place myself i am even prouder of you.

thanks for putting it out there that we are a “good catch”, sometimes we forget between the kids, the cleaning, the school, work and life in general.

maybe i’ll remember this when a good one falls my way.

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Wendy October 23, 2008 at 9:00 am

Love the post! You truly nailed it!

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Katherine (SOLO dot MOM) October 23, 2008 at 9:08 am

As a single mom… looking for the falling men… I must say, it is healthy to continue on that search: dating and meeting potential future life mates.

I consider myself to be a good mom and my kids are my priority but I do have to take care of myself as well… they will move out one day, you know…. well most of us will have them move out one day…. so keeping our identity as people beyond motherhood is a good thing… at least that is mho.

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Jim H. October 23, 2008 at 9:16 am

Hey, just trying to give a different perspective. Women are always trying to figure us out. We’re not complicated. Ever see a “Food-Beer-Sex” T-shirt?

I take it you’ve heard the term “MILF” before. That came from the mind of a guy.

In fact, I think that would be a good topic for discussion – What do you single moms think of the “MILF” moniker?

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Jim H. October 23, 2008 at 9:34 am

…one more thought: Do not underestimate the influence of sex in the mind of a guy.

It’s just a fact. Ever feel like “All he ever wants is sex”. Or, anyone here ever withhold sex from your man as “punishment” for something? It really affects us.

I read something on the web about “choreplay” – the practice of getting your man to do chores with the promise of sex. And men play this game to get sex.

My point is, we think about it a lot. We wouldn’t date a woman without the hope that someday, soon, we will be having sex with them.

My 2 cents.

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Jolene October 23, 2008 at 10:12 am

Wow, Jim… which bar do you hang out with and pick MILF’s up at…. just so I can note NOT to EVER go there. There is so much more to women (not just single mom’s) then getting in our pants. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy sex as much as the next person but I am not going to let it decide who I am going to date or not date for that matter. There is so much more to us then sex and frankly I have to say…. I believe that you are NOT speaking for all men out there or even most men out there for that matter. There are good guys out there that just want a relationship and good sex is just a bonus to that.

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Jim H. October 23, 2008 at 10:40 am

Hmm…

I never said anything about women, or what they want, or how THEY feel about sex.

And I didn’t say that I thought it was right that men attach so much importance to sex, but it is a fact.

And about hanging out at which bar…I don’t hang out in bars. And you would never want me. I’m actually one of those “good” guys who has no “game”. I find that most women want the “bad boy”, and that’s not me.

Maybe I came off harsh in my original post, but I was trying to report what I’ve observed. I’ve talked to guys who definitely think single moms are easy. Maybe this is NOT TRUE, but I’m just reporting. When I was dating my now-ex wife (she had a son before we met), a friend of mine said just that: “At least you know she ____”.

By the way, there is A LOT of talk about sex on these women’s blogs. More than on guy blogs, it seems to me.

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Jackie S. October 23, 2008 at 11:26 am

“we’re just more relaxed about the little things single childless women may blow out of proportion.”

“Seriously. I would rather be shot than stuck in an elevator with a young childless woman. They’re so self-absorbed, so damn petty and so ridiculously naive.”

SingleMama – I just want to put this out there in regards to the comments above. Yes, it’s great that you’re confident about being a single mom, and yes it’s wonderful that you want to embrace and celebrate that identity. However, that you promote this aspect of yourself at the expense of other women is deeply disappointing.

I am 27, single, thoughtful, and confident. I may not have a child but I’ve simultaneously juggled a full time job in a male-dominated field, full time graduate school, a serious relationship, and community leadership through significant time spent volunteering. I don’t say this to compare my life to yours – how could I? We’re all different. But I want to point out that the majority of ‘young childless women” I know are out there struggling with the same issues as you are. We’re trying to make it out there in our careers, navigate the minefield that is modern dating, volunteer to help others, and grow as people.

A word of advice – don’t put other people down to raise yourself up.

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mssinglemama October 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Jackie –

You’re right – the “rather be shot” comment sounds totally callous and bitchy.

Two of my best friends, one of whom is my sister are single, childless women and come to think of it – I wouldn’t mind being stuck in an elevator with them at all.

But we are not struggling with the same issues – at all. Their dating lives are a 180 from mine. There are some similarities but at the end of the day – completely different. And I’m glad you don’t understand that and that you have time for that community work and your education – I am… but being a mother and being single at the same time is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And I don’t expect the single and childless to understand that… how could they?

I’m not saying it makes us better, but it just makes it harder to sit down for lunch with a group of single and childless people who have it SO damn good and often don’t even realize it. Sure you have all of your work – but if you really wanted to – I bet, you could sleep in on at least one morning a week.

Or, you could invite a guy over to your apartment in the daylight.

I could go on and on.

Because of this, I have felt a distance between my best friends and my sister. It’s hard on all of us to relate like we used to.

I didn’t mean to put you down… thanks for calling me out on that (I think that was from an old post) – never again will I put down other women.

But I can still put down men, right?

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Erin October 23, 2008 at 7:38 pm

I really appreciated this post. I think that what you are saying is true and is a confidence booster . Even though we are single mothers, we are also still women. We can find the balance in being awesome mothers and still find time to be with our friends and to date. I haven’t started dating again yet, but when I do, I know that I have learned a lot about myself from being a mother and from doing it alone. The woman who left that hateful post doesn’t realize that just because you are a mother doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life. Even married women need to take time out to nurture their friendships and their relationships with their husbands. To insinuate that because a single mother dates makes her less of a mother, is ludicrous!! Thank you for this post!!

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Laura October 23, 2008 at 11:02 pm

“You have a son, he is the man in your life so please stop chasing after everything that pro-creation told you to desire just until your son at least hits elementary, and hopefully by then if you still aren’t too wrapped up in your ego and good looks you can maybe start him a college fund? ”

Ok I realise I am coming in to this late and you are cool with it all MSM but this statement really annoyed me!

I have a son too and he is NOT the man in my life! Its not a role, at 6 he should have to fulfil – now or at any stage in his life. He is my CHILD! And being the child of a single parent he already has to grow up quicker than I would have prefered!

And WHY should any of us wait until our kids are in primary school or leave the house or whatever? Are we supposed to sit at home each night reading pg rated magazines?

While our kids are the most important thing – we are more than mothers! We are women in our own right who have needs that if neglected will effect the way we parent.

I totally get MSM telling us all she is hot! I came out of a destructive, abusive r/ship and its taken me 2 years to get my confidence back! I have it now and I will and do tell whoever didnt notice that I am hot and sexy and totally in love with who I am! Why cant I do that?

And single moms get alot of slack. So sites like this that acknowledge us and remind us how totally awesome we are are needed!

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LTP October 24, 2008 at 6:53 am

Leah–I have met a man at the grocery store recently–and actually, it was my 3.5yo that “began” the conversation about his fruit snack selection–and even though the lunch date we subsequently had was a flop, I was proud of myself for giving him my number and essentially “picking up” a single dad in the frozen food aisle of Kroger!! I posted on my blog about it (http://www.38ish.blogspot.com ) if you want to check it out.

And to whomever wrote that nasty post above, shame on you!!! Ms. Single Mama has helped me so much over the past few months…and I totally agree with another poster that just b/c we are single parents doesn’t mean we are dead and without needs. Get over yourself!!! (of course, they claim they will not be back but I bet they will–bullies like to see themselves in print)

MSM….love the list and the recurring theme through it and one that I am desperately working on is loving myself and building self-esteem. As you know, the ex-bf did a real number on my confidence and self-esteem but I’m getting better. I just got a new job so that will definitely help + I’ll be working with “hot” executives all day in another city! Yea!!!!

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LTP October 24, 2008 at 7:26 am

for Jim H.: despite what other posters have said here, I do think there is some truth to your comments. Men are very sexual creatures and –according to many of my male friends–it is always on the brain in some form or fashion. Just the way men are made. However, I disagree that single moms as a whole are somehow “easy”….maybe a better way to look at it is that as single mothers, we don’t get to have sex any time we want! For one, we have children in the other room (esp. a toddler that wakes up in the middle of the night nearly every night!!) and two, we can’t just bring home some random date/guy even if we wanted to have sex (back to reason one)–so shoot me if I decide to have sex with a guy when the opportunity arises (and the kids are with their dad)! I will never understand why it is socially acceptable for a man to have sex whenever he wants but if a woman chooses the same, she’s “easy”.

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Mr. Anonymous® October 24, 2008 at 10:54 pm

Hmmm… how shallow.

…in this post you refer to “permanently catch” – you don’t REALLY think that’s possible do you? Any woman who sees a relationship as a “cat-and-mouse” GAME would be SOOOO superficial, I would [hopefully] never even DATE her…

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Mom2Teens November 15, 2008 at 9:05 pm

Wow! Great article. Nice to see so many different perspectives here.

I just wanted to say that our generation is lucky. My own mother had to deal with that single mom = slut attitude. While I have met my share of those men, I have never really run into a shortage of REAL men. My standards are high and I am very selective/protective of my family. In this world women are allowed to be mothers and women too. Which makes being confident and sexy more acceptable.

The only danger I see in this article is that it does not make a man and woman equal. It states that she will take care of him. Most single mothers I know do NOT want another whining needy person in their lives and I EXPECT a man to be able to take care of himself.

For the prudes who think a woman should just shrivel up and die because she is a mother…..C’mon.

And thanks Jim for giving an honest male opinion.

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trueheart December 21, 2008 at 11:46 pm

Dear Ms. single mama:

Please help me. I want to date my co-worker , a 30-year-old single mother with 4 boys age ranging from 8-15. I have very limited dating experience. I have never been in any serious relationship before. I have been living alone for many years. Is this thing too risky or something I am not able to handle?

I really like her. I haven’t met the kids yet. I just couldn’t imagine how life would be if I live under the same roof with 4 teenagers. I keep asking myself: Is my heart big enough to put up with 4 boys? Are they nasty, not good looking, annoying, lazy,dirty,irresponsible, or trouble makers? I was school bus driver before. I don’t know if my affection with the mom is strong enough to pull this thing off. I am not a young guy any more. Should I meet the kids as soon as possible or I have to take the risk and test my mental strength?

Please offer your advices. I appreciate.

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Foui January 10, 2009 at 4:37 am

1. You can see how a childless woman acts around children and how she was raised.

2. Many childless women cook, clean and work.

3. Many childless women are hot.

4. Childless women can be refreshing, depending on who you meet.

5. Childless women can be caretaker in their personality

I guess what I’m saying is that it depends. Whether you have a child or not doesn’t matter.

Granted, a woman with a child bears more chance to have those characteristics due to her particular situation. On the other hand, in doesn’t outweigh the HUGE responsability that comes with being with a girl and the child of someone else.

You sound like someone who desperatly wants to sound cool and hot and unique on the dating scene. That’s something I usually see from 19 years old chicks.

At one point, you’re gonna have to accept the fact that you have a child and that it doesn’t make you “better” for men. This isn’t Jerry McGuire. Living with another’s man child is extremly tough, even if you love both the girl and the child.

Not admitting that, is not respecting the importance of your child. It’s lying to yourself because you know deep down that your status is not as simple as childless women. And, it’s not respecting the next man that will enter your life because you won’t be able to empathize with the inevitable mixed feelings that come with being with you and your child.

Basically, you won’t be respecting anyone cuz you’ll be too busy living in denial, thinking you’re the greatest thing ever cuz you have a child.

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Tyler January 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm

I wish I’d thought to google, dating a single mom, earlier… So, I’m 36, divorced. I was married for 15 years, no kids. I fell hard an fast for my group fitness instructor, now don’t get me wrong here, yes I find her incredably attractive but that’s not the sole reason. There’s lot’s of fit, attractive fitness instructors at my gym. There was something different about this one, she was strong, confident, relaxed ,funny… and a single mom of two daughters. Now when I met her i was still dealing with the aftermath of my marraige so I stayed friendly but I didn’t want to pursue anything until I was confident I could proceed with out causing her any grief from my mess. She would make comments to me like; You cut your hair it looks great! You’ve got great form, ladies, you should watch him for this exersize! She’d say she missed me if I couldn’t make it to a class. We’d ask questions about work and home, hobies, vacations… I thought things were moving in the right direction, but I think I messed it up somewhere? It was the goofy Christmas season, my first one alone, I wanted very much to at least ask her out for a coffee after class to, I don’t know, make it an official outside class relationship. Anyway, I could see she was quite busy with work, class, and her two daughters, maybe even a bit stressed, so I held off. I left an anonomous Christmas card telling her that she was an incredable and inspiring person, that she was a beautiful mother and that seeing her smile made my week, I signed it Santa and gave her a day at the Spa and two HMV gift certificates for her daughters, they’re 5 and 10. Christmas came and went and New years crept in, again I felt that I was hand tied to do anything about newyears plans because, and tell me if I’m wrong, until we meat together for lunch or coffee and make a real effort to get to know each other I would be out of line to say, ask her if her and her daughters wanted to go snowboarding one weekend? I mean, she would want to get to know me better before introducing me to her kids, right? So now it’s the new year and her class schedule got changed completely. We used to see each other 3 days a week, now it’s one. I remember she told me exactly where she worked, I mean like right down to the floor of the building. So I show up one lunch hour and run into her in the lobby, man, there’s that big smile again, I melt. She was on her way out with another friend for lunch and she had just pulled up. So she says another time would be great. I meat her for class on Tuesday night and say again that I’d like to take her out for luch and I also say that I’d ask her for dinner but that I understood that she had two kids and that a lunch date would be easiest (she has them full time) she asked me for my number… tonight I’m in her class again, it’s been two weeks. Last week she said she was just ran off her feet. This week? I keep hoping my phones broken. Can you see where I went wrong? It’s probably glaringly obvious, but I’m missing it. I’ve been with two women in my life, my first serious girl friend way back when mullets were cool, and then my ex (that’s the crapiest term on the planet) wife of 15 years, I’d say I’m out of practice but to be honest, I was never in practice. It’s like wandering into this beautiful almost mystical land where I can always see her but as soon as I get close enough to her to share a single moment between us, she vanishes into the tree line and only peeks out once in a while to taunt me with her smile. What ever the stakes, to me they’re worth it, she’s incredable and I’m sure has two equally beautiful, and wonderful kids. I just need help to un lock this mystery of her heart.

Ty

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Tania February 21, 2011 at 4:27 am

Wow, that sounds so romantic, like out of a movie…….
so…did you “get the girl of your dreams in the end?”

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NotADad April 16, 2009 at 9:11 pm

I'd agree with MsSingleMama's list and for s woman to focus on these strengths that they have to offer a man is entirely sensible.

But it's not because "men are simple creatures" (though my 81yo mother would certainly agree with that). I've got news for you. It's because men are human, we're biological entities just like you are. We have needs and we want our progeny to succeed.

You could equally argue that women are "simple" creatures, who want something like (off the top of my head):

1. Strong, intelligently macho – he will protect and nurture the family and be butch out there in the world. Not a wimp. His social status counts more than his looks.
2. A man who'll bring home the bacon that she'll cook. Money talks but not as much as status in the tribe.
3. Be hot, and have sexy arms, apparently – given all the crap on this blog about sexy arms (probably a Freudian displacement for penis LOL).
4. Do not be easily attainable. Be dark and mysterious, be bad, be smart, be popular, and somehow at the same time make her laugh, while not showing that you really need her since that makes you too easy to get. What a combination! Did James Dean even manage this? (Why the f*ck do we have to be mysterious dark bad comedians?)
5. Be what Daddy should have been. Be a good caregiver who can share the child raising load: "I love the smell of dirty nappies in the morning" ( Be the silent type and she will project all her unresolved Daddy problems on you, which can go either way let me tell you – watch out LOL!)

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Michael March 17, 2011 at 8:43 pm

First. I’m sure this comment will be erased.

Second. Reading this blog makes me feel like I’m reading someone whose obsessed with justifying herself and her mistake which is bringing a child into this world without a cohesive family and/or a father.

I would really like to address some points in this article. They seem very slanted. I just want to shed some light on this and would appreciate if you did not delete me.

I want to address each of your reasons:

“Here’s why single mothers are so appreciated and coveted by men:”

“1. They can already see what kind of mothers we are”

- Most single successful young professionals are not looking for this. There is nothing sexually arousing about this for most men. We are not looking at you getting turned on by the fact your a good mother. This is huge misconception among single mothers. You will have better luck with a single father who can appreciate this quality when he needs a baby sitter etc.

“2. We cook, clean and work”

- So single women without children. But I will admit it’s more pronounced in younger single mothers. This is because they do this while taking care of their children. This behavior stems directly from that. Pleasing their spouse is just an indirect side effect of this. And pleasing and taking care of him will always be secondary to pleasing and taking care of your child.

“3. We’re hot just by our very nature.” and “we do get out to have a fun night – we’re excited to be there, happy, easy to please, low maintenance and comfortable in our own skin”

The first sentence is an unsupported personal opinion which does not even qualify as a generalization. The second is true (I think) – perhaps for the fact single mothers do not get out as much as women without children so when they do, especially if it’s with a decent guy – they are just happy to be out.

“4. Single moms are refreshing.”

This is another unsupported personal opinion which does not qualify as a generalization.

“5. We are caretakers. Men love women who will take care of them when they’re sick and love them unconditionally – basically they love moms. They see this love in how we treat our children and it’s attractive. This is borderline Freudian at times, so just be sure you’re not attracting a guy with a sick mommy complex, but for the most part it can work in our favor.”

See comment 2

Honestly – the facts are most single (child free) quality men are simply not interested in being with single mothers. The child is a burden to dating you. Eventually, as the relationship proceeds we will be expected to gradually take on the role of a step dad. All single mothers claim this is not true – but it is. And it will not be our blood and DNA we are helping to support. It will be another mans offspring. And we will always come second to that other mans offspring. We will ALWAYS be less important and come second in the relationship. The offspring will come first.

I for one did not go to law school to study so hard and sacrifice so much to come second to another mans DNA. That’s not fair to do to myself. Not only that, but in many cases the “type” of guy the single mother choose to reproduce with is the EXACT OPPOSITE of the nice, caring, educated, career driven man many single mothers profess to want today. Ironically the same “type” of man they turned down when they were young, hot, and highly sexually desirable.

Why the sudden switch? The answer is obvious. Many single mothers claim it’s because they “know” themselves and have “learned from experience”. Congratulations. Nonetheless – in many cases the facts are you chose his “type” over my “type” and had his offspring.

If you didn’t want me then, why should you want me now? Again the answer is obvious. And for a good man it’s unfair to do to himself. Congratulations for now coming to your realization – however I will not be stepping in from the back burner.

A fair situation exists when the man has kids of his own. This equalizes the relationship. And if you are in fact a caring, young single mother who enjoys the traditional housewife type role or is simply a very caring person who tends to meet her husbands needs and enjoys pleasing him (and you) both sexually and in addition to the traditional role that is a more ideal situation for both parties.

It may be best for single mothers to focus on single fathers. I think it’s fair to say in general that MOST quality single men without children – including myself – are simply not interested in dating single mothers for a long term commitment leading to marriage. And I think you know this to be true as well.

Thank you.

-Michael

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JT April 20, 2011 at 2:19 pm

@Michael – well said good sir. I dated a single mom and it was horrible. She was needy, wanted me to be over ALL THE TIME, and constantly interrupted me to play/talk/child babble w/ her two year old. I couldn’t take it more than a few months. She was hot, and she was a great cook, and she was easy. I think that about sums up a single mom. She got knocked up by a loser who had a kid from another woman before he knocked her up. Haha i just find it funny that the single moms out that have to write these things to make you feel good about the mistake you made. If you’re not ready to have a kids, don’t take the “bas ass” home and close your legs. Is that so hard in today’ America???

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CC May 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Hi,

Just found your blog & love your writing style: humorous yet to the point.

I am a single mama from NY. My daughter just turned 2 last month. My ex & I have NO contact & I find its better this way even though it hurt like Hell (he totally denied responsibility for our daughter). He left when I was 3 months pregnant but it didn’t really sink in until she was a few months old & in diapers – the late nights, teething, crying, rocking, feeding – nobody can prepare you for the “experience”. Ok, it sound like I am complaining but it is the TRUTH. And now I am SO grateful because whether the the EX realizes it or not, he did me a huge favor. I am a much stronger woman now. Even though I have my moments of weakness here & there.

Being a single mom rocks for ALL you have said above PLUS we have so much more to offer an man than just being cute, attractive, funny, smart – we KNOW sacrifice which means we will do whatever it takes to make a relationship work IF we see it is WORTH the effort.

Unlike younger, single (unattached) girls – we will not lead men on OR waste your time. We don’t have the energy to CHASE someone who is not right for us.

I have learned to watch out for certain men – especially the IMMATURE boys who appear to be men on the outside- they could be in their 30′s have a good job, own a car, their own place, etc…YET still have no freaking clue what they want or what they are doing with you.
A man like that can have the perfect woman, family, relationship & still F-it up because he is “confused” or not ready.

Yes, this was something I recently experienced. Again I am grateful. This makes me wiser & hopefully able to help another hot mama who might be going through the same thing.

A friend of mine said that she’s not surprised I attract so many men (with or without kids). I am a MILF, lol. Not my favorite term but it explains a lot:)

Thanks for writing this. I actually want to write a book called: HOW TO DATE A SINGLE MOM – your blog is an awesome *inspiration*

CHEERS!!!

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Roselle Sturwold October 18, 2013 at 3:53 am

thnx for these awesome designs..

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