When I was waiting tables after I had Izzy, a guy was hitting on me and said me not having a cell phone was “vintage” and attractive.

I mean, I know it was a load of crap, but if I met a guy w.out a cell phone, it probably would peak my interest.

Vintage…it still makes me laugh.

I have a cell phone now.

Just give yourself a deep double-check to make sure you’re not thinking your own comfort zone and your kid’s comfort zone are exactly the same (we tend to do that a lot as parents, I think… assuming our kids are more like us than they really are… not meditating on exactly who they are enough sometimes and how they are different).

Then give yourself a deep double-check to see if you are repeating any mistakes from the past. Do you have a history (pre-child) of getting swept away and getting in a little too deep, too fast? If you don’t, then good. I know I tend to have more lenient boundaries early in relationships because my absolute favorite part of a relationship is the point where we get really comfortable with each other and can just relax around each other. I want to get to that blissful point so much that I move faster than I should sometimes. It did get me hurt occasionally in the past, but even so, it had much lighter implications for me back then than it would now that I’m a single mom. So I work hard to force myself to put on the brakes a little more than I *want* to. In other words, in that one particular department, I do force myself to temper my gut feelings because I know I need to. That’s an aspect of my personality that’s been hard to change.

If you do those error checks beforehand and are totally and completely honest with yourself while doing them, then your own advice will be the best advice you can get.

My one other rule with myself is to never, ever get serious with anyone or allow them to be around my kid alone without doing a background check. Might sound a bit harsh, but I’ve learned a lot about sociopaths (unfortunately), both vicariously through friends and through firsthand experience. I know that because of the way their minds work, my intuition — as honed and sensitive as it is — is not totally reliable in picking out a sociopath. My budget has a line item for background checks. That’s how serious I am about that.

My ex rushed the introduction with his new g/f and her son, and it backfired. Not in an obvious way, i.e. Frances was only upset with ME, but it was obviously connected with him (and I didn’t know how quickly they’d all been introduced or how much time they spent together until a few weeks afterwards). Kids know. Kids know when a friend is special and it makes them worry about what thsi special friend means for their own future–for how much attention and time they’ll get from their parents and whether this person will stick around etc. I’ve talked to adult children of divorce adn they say the same thing. They won’t necessarily show you when they’re upset because they don’t want to upset you; that doesn’t mean it isn’t bothering them. KWIM?

I worried a lot about this with my current boyfriend, even after having dated for several months and seeing it move in a serious direction I worried about the impact on Frances were we to break up. So my compromise was to talk to the boyfriend about that eventuality, to see how he felt about remaining friends with Frances if that were to happen, and he was fine with that. That was reassuring b/c I could have some faith that even if the boyfriend were no longer my special friend, he and Frances could still be buddies and Frances wouldn’t lose him, which was my biggest concern–that they would get attached and we would break up and she would think he was leaving HER. (Even so, seven months of dating and she’s seen him 3 times. I won’t personally feel comfortable spending lots of time with all of us together until we are making plans to move in together. That’s just me.)

is that something you could try with cabin man? The “what happens if our kids all get attached and we break up” talk?

I’m just saying, getting together with the kids could be a good thing as some have suggested. If he isn’t “the one”, you’ll always have a camping buddy and Benjamin will have some really fun trips. You’ll never know until you give it a fair shot.

Life’s feeling too short today, live it while it’s there

I don’t agree that two people that are interested in one another “can’t” hide this from the younger kids. C’monnn.

I speak as someone in a rather interesting, impractical, completely unexpected “new friend” situation myself (oh, and I have YOU to thank for this, but this is a tale for offline!)…so perhaps my thoughts are a bit biased.

But, honestly? You know you and you know Benjamin better than anyone else. Don’t miss out on great if you can find a way to explore it in a way you’re comfortable with.

And remember that, if the advice starts bugging you…stop asking for a little while and do your own thing! (Like we all know what the hell we’re talking about anyways!!)

I’m rushing off to the park with Benjamin, his best friend Sydney and Mattias, the son of a single father who has been in our lives for one year now. Kind of fitting for this discussion…

Anyway, not much time, but to answer the car question:

He sold his car when he quit his traveling job to be near his kids. He definitely isn’t swimming in cash as he’s re-building his life after his divorce. His cabin is actually just 100 feet away from his parents house, so he uses their car to get the kids, etc. But taking their car for 48 hours to come see me would be difficult…

Believe me, I could car less about his car situation – I was in the same situation myself just one year ago. I had a car, but I had lost everything else – so…

The reason he doesn’t have a car is kind of a turn-on actually. I admire people with strength who throw away materialistic definitions in the name of being with their kids and getting their life together.