I went over last night to have dinner and change my oil (my tools are at her place). Noah loves using my car jack so while she cooked he and I worked on my car. He jacked the car up as much as he could and then I took over. While I worked he watched and kept saying “good job” or played with my socket wrenches. Once I finished dinner was ready and we all ate outside. One thing Courtney does is cook a hell of a meal. We talked and told each other about our days, and it really was nice. Given the events of the last month there was definitely an elephant in the room, but it was a nice evening. I did the dishes while they took a bath, then Noah and I threw his playground ball back and forth in the hall way while she folded laundry. He went potty and I helped her for a few minutes then resumed my ball throwing duties once he finished “going poop.” After he got in bed there was definitely an awkward sort of feeling in the air as we both seem to be dancing around the issues. I did stay the night because it is an hour drive to my place and I get “carcilepsy” as she puts it. We held hands in our sleep but nothing more as despite the love we have done a lot of damage lately to each other.

I think there is a chance we may start trying again and moving very slowly. I do love this woman and am willing to put in the work if she is willing to be more balanced and meet me half way on things. Trust has been eroded between us, and though I did violate her privacy (which she is deeply offended by, and I understand) I still feel the half truths and emotional breakdown that led to her emailing the ex is much worse in terms of being able to trust. I pointed out to her this morning that I gave her the truth, always, even if she wouldn’t like when it came to who I had dated or slept with. I told her that the truth is more important than whether you like it or not, or if it hurts you. Even if I know you won’t like the answer, because I wanted you to know that no matter what I would never lie to you. I demand the same though, and I asked her how could I trust her completely, when she had gone back to him when things got hard? What happens the next time we fight? She was defiant and silent all at once, but I think it sank in.

I’m not saying we are getting back together. It may be impossible at this point, but I love her enough to consider it, and at least now I feel we could be friends in time. I may be naïve or foolish, but we are not “back together” in any sense. I am much more focused in work and my friendships, my tutoring and charity work, and much more aware of my own happiness and my self worth. I am far from perfect, but I know I deserve respect and honesty. I deserve to be treated far better, and expressed this to her. I am still guarded and will listen to what she has to say. I believe the love we share is at least worth that much.

We moved too fast, got involved too soon after her breakup with Brandon, and bypassed so many things in making ourselves an “insta” family. I think because our mistakes are so easily observed in looking back, we can seek to avoid them if we get to where we can trust again, and build something new. We need more time alone, and if she is serious, then she has to accept this and be more willing to get a sitter. Heck, I will pay for one if she arranges it. I think that is fair. There are a lot of big “If’s” here, so time will tell. I don’t know if I should be doing this or not, so a little guidance and opinion would be helpful.

It’s hard. I have NO idea what this will look like when she is 3, 5, 10, 14….

One day at a time is the best I can do. The rest I leave up to the two of them to figure out together. My involvement is really only peripheral at this point, I don’t want to play “house” anymore.

Thanks for the tips, I know I need to move on completely before I start dating again (not even remotely READY to start dating, but you know, when I am – LOL).

Sigh.

Why does it have to be so up and down?

Cheers!

C ~

And I truly meant what I said, I am better man for being in this relationship with her. You all have an infinite wisdom and it is truly spectacular.

Lost in Love – time, time will heal the wounds. I wish I could help but love hurts, no easy way around it. Thanks for your sweet comments about us single moms – we eat that stuff up!

It was a tough choice but… he’s fabulous!

Thanks for your response. I see your point about the trust issues, etc. However I think what differentiates my situation from everyone else who has posted to this thread is that I am only with my child HALF of the time. I think if my baby was with me majority of the time every week I would not be as concerned with the checking in or the appearance of a new significant other. But there is a large chunk of time that I do not get to spend with my child. 3-4 days of every week I am away from her and maybe if she was older and my role as her parent was more cemented I wouldn’t have as many concerns. While I definitely am extremely fortunate that her dad is so involved, its hard not to feel like a part time parent. And he has made comments to the effect that if our daughter calls whoever he is dating “mama”, he won’t correct her. Which is really not fair to me and is potentially very confusing to our daughter. I am well aware that I cannot control my ex’s behavior when he has our daughter but since we are co parenting, we have to work together always to make sure we r both on the same page when it comes to what is best for our daughter. And things like daily checkins, we both agreed to at the very least one text msg a day from the parent who has our daughter at the time. There’s no constant calling, etc.from either of us.

There is really no set blueprint for this. At times I do feel that it would be easier if we didn’t have to deal with each other at all and if it was more like a business transaction but unfortunately, my child is so young…under 2 yrs old. Only time will tell.

I pose a question “Is it her that attracts you to her, or is it her son that attracts you to her?” “Is it the idea of family life or having a family life with her?”

The love of a child is a powerful thing whether it is yours (bio) or not however that doesn’t mean you/anyone should stay in a ‘toxic’ “unhealthy” relationship for the child’s sake.

Unfortunately you are not her son’s father and the only ties that you have to him are the ones she’s allowed you to have.

I made a promise to myself and for my son that I will not introduce anyone that I date to him unless I know that that person will be a permanent part of our lives. I want to know that the man I am with loves me for me, that he is with me for me, NOT because he fell in love (fatherly) with my son. Also, my son has no need to go through the attachment and separation emotions that go along with the person I would be dating. Basically he doesn’t need men yo-yoing in and out of his life.

For me I don’t consider dating a couple months to be a “LONG” term relationship, then to be introducing him to my son, then see how he interactions with him, to see could he be a good father type. I do feel that would play an important part in determining the longevity of the relationship (marriage) but it needs to come after we’ve established that we are in a healthy relationship as a man and woman.

On the subject of stil obsessed with my ex: in a word HECK NO… well that’s two words