When is daddy going to bail?

by mssinglemama on September 10, 2008

It’s only a matter of time…

(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)

There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there – ever. 

And then he started showing up – for his two days each week with Benjamin – like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing. 

My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.

So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.

Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.” 

Just like that.

No conversation, no “I have something important to tell you.” Nope. Nothing surrounded the sentence, no mention of Benjamin or when he would see him. Chicago is six hours away from here. 

“Oh, really?” I ask calmly. “Why?”

“My company has a great job for me there, I’ll make twice as much as I make now.”

“What about Benjamin?”

“Yeah. That sucks… but I won’t be able to make any money here. I will be stuck here for five years and never make more money.” Coat that sentence in his thick French accent, I corrected his English liberally. This by the way is complete and utter bull shit. We live in a big city, his father could easily move here and do just fine. 

He goes on to tell me he’s not sure when it will happen, six months from now or maybe less. He can’t be sure. 

Oh, and keep in mind, he’s said nothing of these plans to the SINGLE MOM he’s LIVING with or her six-year-old son. My mama bear instincts are raging in this moment, I am FURIOUS. My heart is breaking again – not for myself – but for Benjamin. For my sweet, adorable little boy who has a father who could care less about seeing him or being in his life. 

It will happen. He will disappear one day. I just want it too happen sooner rather than later. To happen now, when Benjamin is only two and a half, not when he’s three and completely understands. Even now it would be impossibly hard to explain. Benjamin still asks for his father every day. One morning he woke up and just started crying, “Daddy gone, mommy. Daddy gone.” Woke up crying. He says this phrase often – at least once a day.

Yes. Daddy will be gone one day and I can’t wait. ENOUGH. I want him out of our lives. Maybe I should move to Alaska. He wouldn’t follow us there. Or Portland. Or Montana, I’ve always dreamt of living in Montana. This is where my mind is – how can I protect my son from his father? Aside from moving there’s nothing I can do. I can only sit here and wait… wondering when he’s going to vanish and wondering how I will wipe the pain away for Benjamin. 

If you aren’t too familiar with my ex-husband you might want to read this horrifying tale.

Again, I’m sorry to leave you hanging about the date. Tomorrow…

{ 4 trackbacks }

Flip. Flop. Flip.
September 17, 2008 at 2:14 pm
The Best of Ms. Single Mama
September 30, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Houston…
January 8, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Transformation
October 19, 2009 at 12:47 pm

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

Heather September 10, 2008 at 7:58 pm

Benjamin is such a cutie.

I wish I had your faith that the ex would just disappear.

Technically, my ex has no legal rights to the little one, so I could be the one to disappear.

I think about it. A lot.

Mine asks for daddy a lot, too. Almost every day she says “Daddy coming?” Every step she hears in the stairwell produces a “DADDY?!” It’s heartbreaking.

Sorry that it’s coming to this with you and your ex. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair that these crappy, crappy men can swoop in on a whim and hurt these little people that we give our everything to protecting day in and day out.

If only they would just go. Just dissapear. Cease to exist…

Our lives would be so much easier.

I truly believe that no daddy is better than a crappy daddy.

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T September 10, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Well, this post sounds like you’re going back and forth. Like you want him to leave but then you’re sad for Benjamin that he will leave. I guess its like the old “shit or get off the pot” statement. Your ex is like a ticking time bomb that you’re just waiting to explode and disappear. That has got to be so stressful for you and your sweet baby boy.

My girls thankfully have a great father in their lives but there were times when I wondered if he gave a damn. It is heartbreaking when you know they need a father but it just so happens that the one with the sperm isn’t acting like a daddy…. it reminds me of those sayings you see around Father’s day? “Anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.”

Maybe your ex isn’t supposed to be Benjamin’s “Daddy”… perhaps there is someone else that is destined to be his male role model. From the Dane to Kris or other examples of healthy, emotional available men… all of these are great for him to be around.

And who knows, perhaps your Mr Right will be his too. This is what I hope for you, Alaina. You and your sweet Benjamin.

Hang tough, girl. You’re doing great.

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Erin September 10, 2008 at 8:59 pm

Wow. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I guess I got lucky because when my ex and I finally ended our relationship, he immediately moved back to his hometown and has pretty much stayed away since. There’s the random visit every once in awhile, the occasional phone call, or the letter that arrives every few months with $20 and a piece of paper that says “Love You Son! Love Daddy”

But even with all that, I desperately wish I could jump through the phone and grab him and yell “YOU ARE NOT HIS DADDY!!”

After the tumultuous relationship and the horrendous breakup, while I was extremely happy that he was out of our lives, I mourned the daddy that my son would never have for a long time. Until one day, I realized something. Just because his father is a complete waste of oxygen does not mean he will never have a daddy. There’s a big difference between a “father” and a “dad”. Yes, it’s an age old cliche, but it’s also true. There’s someone out there who will love my son and treat him like his own, that person just happened to not be the same person that contributed half of his DNA.

And, even if there isn’t that special someone out there for us, I have learned that I am enough for both of us. I have enough love to be both parents. Inf act, instead of losing out when his father left, I think (at least in my case) my son GAINED something. He gained a mother who loves and respects herself. He gained a mother that has learned to support herself and him. He gained a mother who doesn’t lay down and let people walk all over her. He gained a mother who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself anymore. And to me, that’s more valuable than having a half-assed “father.”

Whoa…got on my soapbox there. My point is, everything will be OK. You ARE enough for Benjamin. You have enough love, caring and compassion to be Mom and Dad. Yes, he will ask for his father. My son has never known his father, he wouldn’t ever be able to pick him out of a crowd, however, he STILL asks for him. But, someday, Benjamin will grow up, he will see that YOU were more than enough.

Be strong and keep breathing. It sucks, but it will get better!

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Hanna September 10, 2008 at 9:29 pm

I really started crying reading this one, because my daughter is 2 as well. Everyday she learns more words, asks more questions, and the word “daddy” is popping up more. “Daddy gone” and “Daddy not here” are the most common phrases, and the whole “no memories before 3” is causing me more and more anxiety. Its closing in, and I’m so afraid that soon its going to cause permenant damage, and I don’t know whether to feel guilty cause I want him gone before he inflicts more pain on her, or if I should bear the weight of constantly trying to get him involved.

I feel for you, I really do. I’m sorry all of us have to go through this. 🙁

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Mama Solo September 11, 2008 at 12:42 am

Reading this really reminds me that having my son’s dad in his life is probably a good thing. My son’s dad left when I was pregnant (despite the fact that we dated for 2 1/2 years!) and has never seen our son, not even a picture.

When my son was 8 months old, he suddenly called and demanded to see him. I said no. I said he had to prove that he deserved to see our son, and it didn’t necessarily have to be money, but just something that showed that he deserved to see him after abandoning us for over a year and a half (including the pregnancy).

When my son was two, he suddenly asked if his dad would be at the dinner we were attending that night. We had never talked about his father (where he was, who he was, why he wasn’t around, or anything about him at all) because I thought he was too young. So I gulped, tried not to cry, and explained that his dad didn’t live near us. My son asked where he was, I said Texas, and he asked if we could go there. I didn’t expect this kind of reaction from a two year old. It was shocking.

Now he’s three years old, and he sometimes makes comments like, “I want to hit my dad.” Why? Because, he explains, “I can’t go on an airplane [to see him].” It’s heartbreaking, and sometimes I wonder if I am making the wrong decision. I guess going through what you are going through is worse, right?

For the record, he has never done a single thing I’ve asked. He hasn’t sent a single penny, hasn’t sent a letter or a picture, hasn’t sent the clothes he said he bought, hasn’t sent a single birthday or Christmas present or even a card. He’s the definition of a deadbeat.

I shouldn’t ever let him see my son, right? Not until he’s at least a teenager, right? UGH. This is such a hard decision, no????

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Mama Solo September 11, 2008 at 12:43 am

Shoot! The top line should say “NOT” having my son’s dad in his life is a good thing.

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SingleParentDad September 11, 2008 at 6:06 am

I can never understand this.

How your instincts don’t tell you need to, or want to be around your children. I would understand if, perhaps, it was better for all involved that one parent too a back seat. But I can’t really dream up circumstances when that would compute.

Money?

All the tea in china means jack compared to the love and health of your children.

I hope you and Benjamin are effectived by this in the smallest possible way.

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Kitkat4real (SOLO dot MOM) September 11, 2008 at 7:04 am

This is hard. I hate you are dealing with this for Benjamin. It will not be easy when his dad moves… but it will get better. I wish I had something more to say to help but I can’t relate… sometimes I wish my Ex would move away… but my kids would be heart broken as well so I refrain from making that wish.

Hang in there…

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debra September 11, 2008 at 8:20 am

I hate that this is a reality for so many single moms. It leaves you in a very tough position. How do you protect your child from being hurt by a parent that does not want to be involved, while at the same time allowing a child to love that parent unconditionally, ask for, miss and cry for that parent? I take solace in knowing I have to be the bigger person, to allow my son to only see the good in his father while he is young. He will make his own decision one day, but the decision has to be based on what he learns about himself and who his father is, not on any negative comments he has heard from others. It is a daunting task to comfort a crying boy who is missing his father, while you are having these thoughts about him be better off without him. You will do, as you always do, the best thing for Benjamin, and part of that is making sure that he not feel there is anything wrong with missing his father.

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Stephanie September 11, 2008 at 9:40 am

I can relate. My son’s father is similar, in that he doesn’t call or ask about him during the week and weekends he is with me. He has been good about his visitation time but nothing else beyond that. There have been many times over the past 12 months since we separated that I wished my ex would disappear. My son, who is 3 yrs old, cries and says he doesn’t want to go when his father comes to pick him up. He clings to me and says “my want to stay with you mommy”. It breaks my heart everytime. I thought after time went by that he would get used to it and enjoy being with his father, but I have discovered that he’s taking our son and leaving him with his mother (xMIL) or with his girlfriend. Even when we were married there was very little connection between them, he wasn’t much of a participating, conscious, responsible father. About a month ago I found out his girlfriend is pregnant, (we aren’t even officially divorced yet). I feel sad for that unborn child to have him as a father.

All of this has definitely made me be a stronger parent. I try to make our life together as loving, caring, and safe and fun, etc so that when he is with his father he will recognize the difference. I know his father loves him but he either doesn’t know how to give him what he needs or just doesn’t want to. I really feel he is starting to see the difference and wants to be where he feels most comfortable, safe and loved.

I do struggle between wanting my ex to just fade out of our lives and wanting him to be a better parent, to be more responsible, to participate and be conscious. It’s a really hard place to be in.

Wish you and Benjamin the best.

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Najia September 11, 2008 at 10:37 am

That picture of Benjamin kills me. It’s very sweet. And in him I see my son, who is also 2 and half.

My ex walked out on us and basically disappeared for a year and half. He has a book coming out and now he thinks being involved with his son would be better since he considers himself “a public figure”. I’m not sure if he really means to be there for our son or not. But you know what… I don’t care anymore. Because I am there and will always be there for my son. As will you.

Our sons will be fine. Trust me. As long as they have us.

Children’s questions are sometimes hard to answer and some realities are hard to face – but as long as you teach your son about his inner strength and to live with honour – he will never feel like he missed out on anything or anyone.

Courage, Mama. Wish you the best.

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Laura September 11, 2008 at 10:40 am

I would love my ex to get a job in Outer Mongolia! Seriously like you I KNOW he will disappear too – I just want it to be NOW!!!!

So I feel your totally heart ache for your child. Its horrible and unfair and frustrating!!

I read that Video Camera story – broke my heart!!! Wonder if when Mr Ex watches it he will think he did well?

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littlemansmom September 11, 2008 at 12:56 pm

Well honey…there is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much that I could write here. some already mentioned, some completely fresh, but I won’t. Every sistuations is a little different, but I can say….as a single mum who has had her little guy on her own for 7 years, gone through the sporadic/inconsistant/non-exsistent visits etc……it CAN be ok.

I know that you have my e-mail…if you ever want to chat about this, find an ear, find out how littleman and I muddle our way through what sounds like many similar situations and just vent…please send me a hello. I’m certainly not super-mom, but I do believe my littleman is turning out to be a pretty great and well adjusted kid. 🙂

BIG hugs….

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Cheryl September 11, 2008 at 3:03 pm

Oh lady, I can’t tell you how much I relate to this post. I’ve been wanting to blog about MY baby daddy — but b/c he is still sort of in Dexy’s life and b/c he reads my blog from time to time, as does his family, I have been hesitant to tell the world about what a Cheap 1/2 Ass Daddy he really is.

I know he loves Declan, but he’s also really lazy & wants to take the Easy Way. He made his choice to stay in Las Vegas near his ex-wife and their two daughters (aged 9 and 11) even though he only gets to see them once a week, on HER terms. I offered him a life w/ a Rad Mama and a Rad Daughter, from Beginning to End… his choice was Vegas. WTF?

But I’m not bitter b/c I think I’ve known all along that someday he would be gone. He’d just stop calling, or stop showing up for his monthly 2 day visit, and his presence in Dexy’s life would just fall away. He’s never paid child support (my bad for not seeking it, but honestly, I didn’t want the legal headaches). I never put him on the birth certificate either, so if he ever decides he wants visits, or whatever down the road the burden of proving paternity will be on HIM, at which point I can tell the judge, “Dude, he’s never given me a frackin’ DIME and he owes me about $2K for his stupid car transmission.”

Anyway, I digress.

My parents are gone. My brother is not a part of my life to any large degree, and has never expressed an interest in being an uncle to Dex or in me being an Auntie to his girls. So I’m leaving CA. I’m packing up the house, my kid, the car, etc. and I’m going where I’ve always wanted to go (Pacific NW). Her daddy won’t be able to just get in his car and see her once a month like he’s used to, he’ll have to PLAN and buy cheap plane tickets to get his butt to Seattle. How much do you want to wager he comes once, maybe twice, and that’ll be the end of it?

So… all I can tell you is we are both in similar boats. My heart breaks for Declan b/c I know what it was like to have an emotional unavailable father. I cannot imagine how hard it might be for her to not have a daddy in her life, on a daily, loving, involved & mature/adult way. But that’s between HER and HIM. All I have to do is take care of US.

I hope for her sake (and Ben’s) that if these two lazy 1/2 ass “father’s” do decide to drop out of our kids lives, they do it tout de f*cking suite.

(((HUGS))) to you x infinity!
@Jasperblu

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PT-LawMom September 11, 2008 at 4:31 pm

Oh, God, we have almost the same story. Also married my ex to help him get his Green Card (but, like you, we were also in love). Except in our case he DID leave. Immediately after signing the divorce papers. And he says he won’t be back. Our son, 5, wakes up crying regularly, is acting out at school, etc. It sucks. I feel for you. People keep telling me it would be better if he never returns but the part of me that knows my son’s pain and how much he adores his father rebels at that idea. Even if he’s a jerk and treats me bad, my son loves and needs him. Sigh…

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mssinglemama September 11, 2008 at 5:04 pm

When I fell asleep after writing this I was stirring in bed – hoping the world wouldn’t judge me for wanting his father to drop off the face of the Earth. I just can’t believe how amazing it is to hear that I’m not alone in feeling this way…

Each and every one of you has made me feel so much better. Thank you all for your comments and support.

And Cheryl – my Ex owes me $6,000 – from a credit card he ran up (found out it was in both of our names) $6K!!!!

PT – your story is heart breaking. That’s exactly what I feel is going to happen to Benjamin sooner or later. I just wish there was a way to prevent this. I seriously like Cheryl’s plan – move far, far away. There are some who would say us mothers should not make that judgment or move our children away from their fathers but I think I’m with Heather – no daddy is better than a crappy daddy.

I love you all – hugs to all of us because we are ALL in this together.

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littlemansmom September 11, 2008 at 6:29 pm

Oh honey….I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hear you all about the money!…about 2 years ago I FINALLY finished paying off the 10 grand the X racked up on a card he had out in MY name but I knew nothing of…and currently he owes me $16,900 in back child support…but he ‘chips’ away at it so nothing more can be done other than what already has…..sad but true.

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Treemama September 11, 2008 at 6:42 pm

Eloquently put, Ms. Mama, it’s so hard to feel so torn between wanting someone out of your life and wanting them to be there for the little ones.

My youngest worships her Dad regardless of his failure to appear.

My oldest just had a complete angerball attack in bed tonight that he doesn’t keep his promises.

And life goes on. Thankfully Benjamin has such a great Mom to support him!

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April September 12, 2008 at 9:29 am

Our lives have been so much calmer since my ex moved to Northern CA (we live in L.A.). The girls still love him, and see him maybe once or twice a year, but it’s so much better for them than when he was an inconsistent presence in their lives. Woo hoo for him moving to Chicago!

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Cindy Thomas September 12, 2008 at 10:07 am

In my opinion, your Ex has no intention of moving ANYWHERE in six months. He makes things like this up to push your buttons, to see if he still has power over you.

I think you are such a kind and honest person that it hasn’t really occurred to you that people can lie so easily, casually, and regularly.

Am I wrong? My intention is NOT to offend you, only to offer you insight from an objective viewpoint.

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Kim September 12, 2008 at 6:35 pm

It hurts my heart to read all of your comments. Have any of you considered finding a counselor or psychologist who specializes in helping young children? Just a thought…it’s so hard to do this by yourself, and while you’re all doing a wonderful job, I’m sure it would help to have a professional working with your child (and you too, if you want). Hugs to all.

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Kim September 12, 2008 at 6:38 pm

Alaina, just so you know you have plenty of company in this area, I not only wished my cheating SOB ex gone, I wished him dead. Only for me though. I would never wish him out of our children’s lives, but it would have made things much easier for me in the long run. We get along great now but he still screwed me over, so I allowed myself those angry feelings. I’m over them now…mostly. :o)

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mssinglemama September 12, 2008 at 7:28 pm

Cindy – It’s funny you used the word sociopath in your comment on the video post (the horrifying tale I referred to)… you’re not the first. I should do some research. Maybe he was testing me – but I doubt it. The thing about my Ex is … well, let’s just say work is #1 and work isn’t even that lucrative. He works in the restaurant business. He’s also from another country. So when some manager at his current restaurant or a regional manager comes in and says “you can manage our huge restaurant in Chicago and make twice as much,” he jumps to serve them.

I think he’s serious and intends on moving – it’s just a question of when. And with him you never know. But, I’ll give that more thought and try to talk to him about it next week.

Kim – I think that’s a really good suggestion. I have friends who are child psychologists and I know they work wonders. I often wonder if I need therapy – but for me writing is my therapy. Here’s a post you might find interesting… read the man’s comments – from Tim Chard, amazing – the man transformed the way I see things:

http://mssinglemama.com/2008/02/27/do-i-need-therapy-nope-just-a-fantastic-comment-thread/

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Barb September 13, 2008 at 2:04 pm

I just discovered your blog yesterday and I am sitting here in tears reading this post. I separated from my husband about five months ago. I have two boys (4 years old and 2 years old). For the first month or so, my ex saw the boys for a couple of hours every Sunday afternoon, then he started drifting away. He constantly complained and told people that I wouldn’t let him see his children despite the fact that I called him several times a week begging him to see them or at least talk to them on the phone. About a month after he moved out, he dropped the bomb that he was looking for a job in a town 300 miles away. He claimed he could make more money there but it’s total BS. I knew then that he had a girlfriend down there. A couple of weeks later, one of his coworkers confirmed it for me. He’s seeing a single mom in this town (and now I realize he’s been involved with her for quite a while…even while we were still married!) He hasn’t moved yet but keeps talking about it. This weekend makes 4 weeks since he saw his children and he told someone at work that he’d be going down there for “her kid’s” birthday next weekend so he probably won’t see them then. The thing I don’t understand is that he’s holding up the divorce insisting on more liberal visitation but right now, no matter how much I beg him to see them he won’t. And when he does try to take them, they cry and fuss and don’t want to go with him…no wonder…he’s a stranger to them! He asked me the other day if he does move to this new town, will I bring the children down there to visit him every other weekend because it would be too hard for him to come up here to get them.

I don’t want my children to lose their father…even if he is a loser…but I know it’s inevitable and I’d rather it happen sooner than later. The other thing that scares me is the thought that he will move down there and never see them at all, then come up at Christmas or their birthday or whatever and want to take them for a long visit. I hope that when he does disappear, he does it for good. I can’t bear the thought of him dropping in and out of their lives repeatedly. Why can’t these deadbeats understand how amazing their children are and what they’re missing out on?

It breaks my heart to read your post and know that someone else is going through what my family is but it is also refreshing to know that someone understands. I don’t have many single parent friends and I feel so incredibly alone lately. Perhaps it’s just me, but I feel like when I try to talk to people about what’s going on, they don’t want to hear it or they are judging me through the lens of their own experience. My mother keeps telling me that I made this choice and I’ve just got to “get over it”. I think it would be easier if he’d died. Yeah, I would have still been in love with him then, but at least it would really be over. The way it is, it seems like there is no end in sight and he will keep tormenting us for the next 16 years at least.

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coin's other side September 15, 2008 at 2:07 pm

I’ve seen enough here to feel qualified to make an opinion. I suspect you will never find what you want. Your physical appearance is not the problem so it is probably a behavioral incompatibility or character defect which pushed your ex into another embrace. In the beginning, it is very easy to ignore personality issues because the physical part is the ruling aspect but once that desire accomplishes its purpose (ie: to create desirable/competitive progeny) the companionship becomes the ruling factor and even a mans most deep and basic instinct of protecting his own can be muted by a woman who undermines him. You call this man a loser even while he attempts to improve his situation. You paint your ex a villain for ignoring your child while he was crying without explaining the reason for the tears. If tears are used solely to gather attention, your ex would have done exactly the right thing to ignore them. Do you think sniveling whiny men are attractive? They get that way from the learned response that tears are positively reinforced. Look more closely upon your own words and actions. Some men can be corralled and made subject to your whims but ultimately, these are not the men of your dreams. I don’t doubt your intention to be a good mom but I do doubt your intention to share what you created with your ex. You create your own reality when it comes to men, think about it.

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mssinglemama September 16, 2008 at 6:12 am

Coin’s other side:

You have touched on some incredibly valid points… there’s a good chance this is all me. That I have issues standing in the way of a harmonious relationship with my ex, but the thing is – we do have a very good relationship. There are times though, when I just can’t ignore his behavior and I use this blog as an outlet.

In the case of my son crying on the video tape – I know my son and if you knew me you’d know I usually ignore him when he’s crying – to the point where other mothers frown upon me. But I know it’s why my son is not a spoiled, clingy kid. He is strong and independent. This cry in particular was not a fake cry. And it was truly horrible to watch and hear.

I appreciate your comment. It definitely has me thinking.

Also though – I didn’t push him away, I chose to leave him. As my uncle said, “I don’t think it’s a character defect to want your husband to get off his ass and get a job so he can take care of his family.”

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coin's other side September 17, 2008 at 3:13 am

I’m going to post this for you and the other single moms reading this thread who may want to get a clue. Family advice is often biased so before you allow it to reinforce your opinion, consider what your ex WAS doing for the relationship. Outside of his difficulty in obtaining suitable employment, was he attentive toward his child? What percentage of his time was devoted to issues unrelated to the three of you? This question is very complex so really consider its implications. If he spends time at the gym to maintain his physical fitness, is this only for his benefit? What if he goes out to a bar looking for social contacts which could lead to employment opportunities? His effort may not be what YOU wanted it to be but was it really no effort? Would you have REALLY been happier if he had taken a dead end demeaning job and contributed a meager sum? What would have happened to his self esteem and libido under this humiliating circumstance? Most women mismanage their men so you are not alone. The truth is, most men really do want to please their women in every way and they really are geared to nurture and protect what is theirs so what is turning them from this effort? You may want to examine the very last part of your last comment. WHAT MADE THE UNIT FAMILY HIS? Did his opinions matter? Were you really as open with him as you expected him to be with you? Where was the control in the relationship and why wasn’t it shared?

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coin's other side September 17, 2008 at 5:43 pm

I did read through this and many other posts on this site. It was why I felt the need to comment in the first place. I understood “Daddy Bailing” to be a relatively recent event which is a consequence of earlier failures rather than the main source of failure in this relationship. FlipFlopFlip, what exactly are you trying to say? Are you inferring that the title is an indicator or that the whole complex event of male/female bond fracturing is explained in this single piece? Are you offering a better analytical perspective? If not, then please keep quiet and learn something.

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Jolene October 17, 2008 at 9:18 am

This blog really hits home. I am in the mists of a divorce right now and my soon to be ex at first was all about the kids, fighting for 50% custody (which he is not going to get if I have anything to say over it) and wanting to spend every moment he could with the kids but now after 5 months apart something has shifted. He only takes the kids when I pester him to and just last week he told me that if I go to our county to inforce child support by taking it out of his check that he was going to quit his job and bail out on us. My first thought was “Good! Go!” “But then the thought came to mind…. if someone is willing to throw out a threat like that then they must really be thinking about it and if that is the case…. what kind of father are you? I have three small children (3 under 4…. and yes, I know I am crazy) and I could not ever imagion my life without them. I would lay down and die for them at any time if it ment that they could live a life of happiness and for him to say that he does not want to see the kids just breaks my heart. He now has a new girlfriend and the lovely phrase “I need to make my own life now” makes me so irrate that I just have to walk away. Why is it that men seem to think that when they get divorced that means that it is a total new begining for them… what about the three wonderful children that you are leaving behind? I can totally relate to this blog because I know (mama’s gut) he will bail out on us…. now is just waiting to see when it is going to happen. I am holding on to the hopes that someday I will find someone that will not bail out on us… but until then…. it’s just me… and I could not be happier!

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Anna April 9, 2009 at 10:22 pm

You know what I love? That my ex could move out of the state before the divorce was even final — no problem. But if I want to move WITH my son? I have to petition the court… HUH??

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NotADad April 11, 2009 at 6:51 pm

Without knowing the people involved, it's possible to imagine different ways of looking at his reactions. I note that you left him, not the other way around. Does this ex-husband bear a lot of anger and resentment toward you (maybe not fully resolved – maybe it will never resolve)? He could be confusing any consultation with you about anything – including his relationship with your son – with a further loss of face or a show of vulnerability or weakness. Coldness is an aggressive act but it is also a defense against one's own feelings and vulnerability. Not getting too close to his son is a way of not letting you in, and – importantly – it is also a way of not getting too attached to his son. After all, you could marry someone else and provide a new father for your son, and then where exactly would he be left? For some people, the easiest way to minimize the risk of painful loss is not to get attached in the first place.

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NotADad April 11, 2009 at 7:00 pm

I am reminded in some of the above comments by something my ex-woman did when she left me. We had two dogs that we loved very much – technically they were hers. She just assumed they would go with her. I couldn't do much about that – I was a mess anyway – but, oh, I was allowed to babysit the dogs on weekends when she wanted to go away and fuck her boyfriend. In other words, I was only of use as a dog sitter! Oh, and I could have custody of the goldfish. Lucky me! I declined both generous offers. If we had had children, I would have loved them to death, but I can imagine not wanting to be used as a free babysitter while she went off and had a life without me.

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