It’s only a matter of time…
(Part 2 of my single mom fairy tale and my date last night will have to wait. You’ll understand why I hope, that I can’t think about anything else right now because tonight Benjamin’s father told me he is going to move away.)
There is something I know with every inch of my body, in my gut, in my heart and in my mind. I know that one day my ex-husband will leave… he will disappear from Benjamin’s life. I’ve known it since the day I left him and the weeks that followed without a phone call checking on Benjamin or a visit. My heart broke into a million pieces over and over and over again when his father just wasn’t there - ever.
And then he started showing up - for his two days each week with Benjamin - like clock work. But still, no phone calls during the week to check up on him, no visits outside of his 36 hours. Nothing.
My ex-husband is from Canada. We got married so he could get his Green Card (I know I shouldn’t disclose this, but I don’t give a damn because the INS can kick him out of the country for all I care). But they won’t. We were in love. We had a child. It was legit.
So the question hanging in my mind has always been, when is he going to bail? I know when the day comes it will be sudden. Maybe a phone call, “I’m coming by to see Benjamin today because I’m leaving tomorrow.” Something to that effect.
Tonight when I got home from work his father told me, “I think I will be moving to Chicago.”
Just like that.
No conversation, no “I have something important to tell you.” Nope. Nothing surrounded the sentence, no mention of Benjamin or when he would see him. Chicago is six hours away from here.
“Oh, really?” I ask calmly. “Why?”
“My company has a great job for me there, I’ll make twice as much as I make now.”
“What about Benjamin?”
“Yeah. That sucks… but I won’t be able to make any money here. I will be stuck here for five years and never make more money.” Coat that sentence in his thick French accent, I corrected his English liberally. This by the way is complete and utter bull shit. We live in a big city, his father could easily move here and do just fine.
He goes on to tell me he’s not sure when it will happen, six months from now or maybe less. He can’t be sure.
Oh, and keep in mind, he’s said nothing of these plans to the SINGLE MOM he’s LIVING with or her six-year-old son. My mama bear instincts are raging in this moment, I am FURIOUS. My heart is breaking again - not for myself - but for Benjamin. For my sweet, adorable little boy who has a father who could care less about seeing him or being in his life.
It will happen. He will disappear one day. I just want it too happen sooner rather than later. To happen now, when Benjamin is only two and a half, not when he’s three and completely understands. Even now it would be impossibly hard to explain. Benjamin still asks for his father every day. One morning he woke up and just started crying, “Daddy gone, mommy. Daddy gone.” Woke up crying. He says this phrase often - at least once a day.
Yes. Daddy will be gone one day and I can’t wait. ENOUGH. I want him out of our lives. Maybe I should move to Alaska. He wouldn’t follow us there. Or Portland. Or Montana, I’ve always dreamt of living in Montana. This is where my mind is - how can I protect my son from his father? Aside from moving there’s nothing I can do. I can only sit here and wait… wondering when he’s going to vanish and wondering how I will wipe the pain away for Benjamin.
If you aren’t too familiar with my ex-husband you might want to read this horrifying tale.
Again, I’m sorry to leave you hanging about the date. Tomorrow…
