I’m not ashamed. I don’t even think anything I’m about to tell you is “bad.” It’s just that I’ve been keeping it from you and that in itself is more of the confession. I try to be as honest as I can here. The price for my honesty is a small one to pay, if my fellow single mothers learn or gain from my dating experiences.
Here it is:
I have a maintenance man or a Mr. Right Now.
I can’t quit him and I’m constantly torn. Can I really be with someone who isn’t really that into me? Is this bad for Benjamin? Then I remember how hard it is out there – how hard it is to find that elusive chemistry, how hard it is to find a man who gets me. But… and it’s a big “but”…
If I’m fanning the flames of chemistry with Mr. Right Now will I miss Mr. Right?
I’ve been trying not to let these fears get to me, because every time they do – they turn out to be completely bottomless. What’s the point?
So who is Mr. Right Now? Someone you all know, or at least someone my long-time readers know. Kris. We met, nearly a year ago, on a night when I’d decided to completely write off men. I was finally content with being single and then he walked into the bar. One week later as we lay next to each other he cradled me in his arms, squeezed me tight and then whispered in my ears, “I think you’re my girl.”
I smiled to myself in the dark. It was adorable. Absolutely adorable. And it was the way he said it, this 23-year-old who had never really been in love before, now falling for – of all people – a single mother. He had no idea what was in store. And neither did I.
My fear then was that he would run away once he got a taste of my real life.
But he didn’t. We only fell deeper. Me, completely relaxed, like I’d never been before. For the first time I learned how to just have fun with someone. To leave my expectations and fears at the door and just enjoy the moment. In the end, we broke up, not once, but twice. They weren’t angry, dramatic break ups – just bitter sweet.
And since the big break up in March we’ve been seeing each other on and off. I’ve also been seeing other men… or trying to. But each dating experience inevitably ends with a few awkward kisses and then me telling them, “I just can’t.”
If I didn’t have a Mr. Right Now would those dates have panned out?
I’d like to believe not. But I can’t be sure. Recently I threw in the towel. Why bother dating these other guys if my interest in them doesn’t compete with my interest in Kris? And besides, I don’t have time. If the guy even has a remote chance, I’ve got to feel something – and I just wasn’t. I confessed my little predicament to Kris. We were standing outside of a movie theater.
“I’m trying to date other guys,” I said, he’d heard this before.
“Good, that’s good.”
“But I’m not interested in any of them.”
“Why?” he looked confused, yes – Kris truly does want me to date other men. He wants me to find someone worthy. He doesn’t feel like he’s up for the job – for the job of the permanent man.
“I try to be interested,” I am flustered, he’s so gorgeous, those green-hazel eyes and his dark hair – my Clark Kent (he’s a bit of a nerd), “I think I’m not because I still like you. I only want to be with you. So, there you have it. Do with that what you will – but I just had to tell you.”
He smiled. A big smile. I was relieved, part of me thought he was going to look at me with nothing in his eyes. “I love dating you too … but I can’t be your rock, I can’t move in with you or anything.”
Note to dating single moms: Apparently unless you spell it out very clearly, some men assume you want to move in with them. I have no clue how Kris conjured up this fear. There was the one time I told him he could move in and be my man slave – but I assumed he knew I was kidding.
“I don’t need a rock and I definitely don’t want anyone moving in with me – especially not you!” We both started laughing and walked hand and hand to a coffee shop next to the theater.
I would be leaving for Denmark in three weeks.
I left with an open mind and Kris’ blessings to, “Have fun, damn it!” And I know that in Thomas’ case, the Kris thing – whatever it is – had no effect on the lack of sparkage there. The sparks, with Thomas, from the beginning were largely friendship sparks. We are long-distance friends, old friends who trust each other but romance has always alluded us.
Everything I’ve been writing since March has been completely truthful, but it got to a point where I just needed to tell you about a missing ingredient. And if you’re a new reader and want the skinny on Kris, use my search field (top right hand corner) and type in his name. You’ll see tons of past posts.
I don’t know why I can’t shake him or if I even should. I do enjoy him tremendously for certain single mama needs. Sometimes I think I can handle it. Just be with someone – casually – and then I catch myself daydreaming about something more… about someone who can give me more. I can’t fall for Kris. Every time I do the feelings are quickly snuffed out by the stark reality that he’s just now trying to figure out life – let alone women.
Please tell me you’ve been here before – or that at the very least, you’re taking something away from me spilling my guts.
I feel better now.