Mr. Right Now (aka: my confession)

by mssinglemama on September 1, 2008

I don’t know why this feels like a confession.

I’m not ashamed. I don’t even think anything I’m about to tell you is “bad.” It’s just that I’ve been keeping it from you and that in itself is more of the confession. I try to be as honest as I can here. The price for my honesty is a small one to pay, if my fellow single mothers learn or gain from my dating experiences.

Here it is:

I have a maintenance man or a Mr. Right Now.

I can’t quit him and I’m constantly torn. Can I really be with someone who isn’t really that into me? Is this bad for Benjamin? Then I remember how hard it is out there – how hard it is to find that elusive chemistry, how hard it is to find a man who gets me. But… and it’s a big “but”…

If I’m fanning the flames of chemistry with Mr. Right Now will I miss Mr. Right?

I’ve been trying not to let these fears get to me, because every time they do – they turn out to be completely bottomless. What’s the point?

So who is Mr. Right Now? Someone you all know, or at least someone my long-time readers know. Kris. We met, nearly a year ago, on a night when I’d decided to completely write off men. I was finally content with being single and then he walked into the bar. One week later as we lay next to each other he cradled me in his arms, squeezed me tight and then whispered in my ears, “I think you’re my girl.”

I smiled to myself in the dark. It was adorable. Absolutely adorable. And it was the way he said it, this 23-year-old who had never really been in love before, now falling for – of all people – a single mother. He had no idea what was in store. And neither did I.

My fear then was that he would run away once he got a taste of my real life.

But he didn’t. We only fell deeper. Me, completely relaxed, like I’d never been before. For the first time I learned how to just have fun with someone. To leave my expectations and fears at the door and just enjoy the moment. In the end, we broke up, not once, but twice. They weren’t angry, dramatic break ups – just bitter sweet.

And since the big break up in March we’ve been seeing each other on and off.  I’ve also been seeing other men… or trying to. But each dating experience inevitably ends with a few awkward kisses and then me telling them, “I just can’t.”

If I didn’t have a Mr. Right Now would those dates have panned out?

I’d like to believe not. But I can’t be sure. Recently I threw in the towel. Why bother dating these other guys if my interest in them doesn’t compete with my interest in Kris? And besides, I don’t have time. If the guy even has a remote chance, I’ve got to feel something – and I just wasn’t. I confessed my little predicament to Kris. We were standing outside of a movie theater.

“I’m trying to date other guys,” I said, he’d heard this before.

“Good, that’s good.”

“But I’m not interested in any of them.”

“Why?” he looked confused, yes – Kris truly does want me to date other men. He wants me to find someone worthy. He doesn’t feel like he’s up for the job – for the job of the permanent man.

“I try to be interested,” I am flustered, he’s so gorgeous, those green-hazel eyes and his dark hair – my Clark Kent (he’s a bit of a nerd), “I think I’m not because I still like you. I only want to be with you. So, there you have it. Do with that what you will – but I just had to tell you.”

He smiled. A big smile. I was relieved, part of me thought he was going to look at me with nothing in his eyes. “I love dating you too … but I can’t be your rock, I can’t move in with you or anything.”

Note to dating single moms: Apparently unless you spell it out very clearly, some men assume you want to move in with them. I have no clue how Kris conjured up this fear. There was the one time I told him he could move in and be my man slave – but I assumed he knew I was kidding.

“I don’t need a rock and I definitely don’t want anyone moving in with me – especially not you!” We both started laughing and walked hand and hand to a coffee shop next to the theater.

I would be leaving for Denmark in three weeks.

I left with an open mind and Kris’ blessings to, “Have fun, damn it!” And I know that in Thomas’ case, the Kris thing – whatever it is – had no effect on the lack of sparkage there. The sparks, with Thomas, from the beginning were largely friendship sparks. We are long-distance friends, old friends who trust each other but romance has always alluded us.

Everything I’ve been writing since March has been completely truthful, but it got to a point where I just needed to tell you about a missing ingredient. And if you’re a new reader and want the skinny on Kris, use my search field (top right hand corner) and type in his name. You’ll see tons of past posts.

I don’t know why I can’t shake him or if I even should. I do enjoy him tremendously for certain single mama needs. Sometimes I think I can handle it. Just be with someone – casually – and then I catch myself daydreaming about something more… about someone who can give me more. I can’t fall for Kris. Every time I do the feelings are quickly snuffed out by the stark reality that he’s just now trying to figure out life – let alone women.

Please tell me you’ve been here before – or that at the very least, you’re taking something away from me spilling my guts.

P.S.

I feel better now.

Related posts:

  1. Date night.
  2. One side effect of being a dating single mama…my baby is trying to make out with me.
  3. The Single Mom Dating Conundrum.
  4. Need a man? Look in mommy’s bed.
  5. How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

jonb September 1, 2008 at 4:46 pm

I think one of the hardest parts about dating is being honest with yourself and what makes you happy. The fact that you so readily evaluate yourself is so important. It sounds like Kris is someone you would have liked to have met in a few years once he figured life out more and had some experience under his belt. I don;t see anything wrong in measuring your enjoyment with men against what you had/have with Kris.

I would ask you this question though: Are you ready for a serious relationship? You have a lot on your plate and have been through a lot. And believe me, I know first hand the demands(and joy) a child places on your life. Do you have a level of familiarity and comfort with Kris that allows you to fit him in to your life at your convenience?

May I ask, why does Kris feel he is not up to the task of being yours fully? Is it because you have a child or that he is young and still finding himself?

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Debra September 1, 2008 at 4:52 pm

This is the big confession? :) That a man who was such an important part of your life, and Benjamin’s, for a substantial amount of time, who treated you well, made you enjoy life and experience friendship and love is a hard habit to break? Yeah, this is terrible news! ;) (I’m completely joking!) Think of it this way, back to a post a week or so ago, the person you need in your life when you need them there will appear. Kris is what you need right now apparently. If for no other reason, than as a benchmark to how a good relationship should feel. Will you miss Mr Right if Kris is still in your life? No way! But having him in your life, as a reminder of how people who care about each other should treat one another may prevent you from settling for Mr. Wrong when you get lonely. Be grateful for him, don’t worry about if it’s the right thing to do, you’ll know when/if it isn’t a good idea to continue.

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single mommy September 1, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Don’t EVER be afriad again to share with us!!!!

I think my husband was probably a Mr. Right Now that I just couldn’t give up.

Seriously though, I can see how hard this is for you. I want to tell you to jusy enjoy what you are getting out of it and keep dating. However it’s easier said than done.

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Katie September 1, 2008 at 5:42 pm

I think that only you can know who/what is the right guy/relationship for you at whatever point you are in your life. Like Jon said, are you ready for a SERIOUS relationship right now? If things with Kris are fun and easy and he is able to be in your life and it doesn’t cause any damage and you know that it doesn’t bother Benjamin, then why not? It sounds like you both are enjoying yourselves and seeing where this will go and that is a good thing. But if you are truly looking for Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now, then I would say that maybe you two do need to go back to being just friends. I was with my Mr. Right Now for a very long time hoping he would eventually turn into Mr. Right and alas he never did. I think Kris sounds like a truly great guy and actually very mature for his age. But I also think that people in general, and men in particular tell us how they feel. His encouraging you to date other men and telling you that he can’t be your rock, you have to take that a face value because that isn’t going to change any time soon. If you can handle just dating him casually then go for it.

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liz September 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm

So glad you shared!

I had a Mr. Right Now. I craved the physical and he provided it. It was very clear (to me, at least) that there was no emotional connection.

And then someone came along who had the potential to be Mr. Right (he ended up not being, but that’s another story all together). The point is, I didn’t miss Mr. Right because of Mr. Right Now.

Mr. Right Now is meeting some needs of yours. Enjoy it. But don’t worry…you won’t miss Mr. Right.

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mssinglemama September 1, 2008 at 7:15 pm

To answer some questions:

Am I ready for a relationship? I’m not sure… with the right person – yes, I’d like to think I’m ready. (Here’s to hoping! Will only be able to truly tell when I meet him).

I think Katie’s point is just what I’m trying to sort out in my head – am I truly looking for Mr. Right? If so, than will being with Kris get in the way? A lot to think about. But yes, I’m trying my hardest to relax and just enjoy what it is… not a big deal, really.

I’m just so glad I finally found the words to share all of this with you.

Jon B. Kris fits in all of the time. He’s known us for so long and he’s amazing with Benjamin, but I keep the time between the two limited to once (or twice at the max) per week. And no, it’s not that I have a young guy – it’s because, I think, Kris doesn’t want to commit to any woman right now – child or not.

Debra – I love your advice. And I was thinking about Kris when I wrote that post (can’t remember which one) on who we need in our life at that moment… oh, it was the soul mate post here.

http://mssinglemama.com/12/single-mom-love/

And Debra, you’re so right – being with Kris, a great guy, keeps me away from the bad guys.

Single mommy… yes, easier said than done isn’t it? Sheesh.

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TentCamper September 1, 2008 at 8:14 pm

All I can say is: follow yur heart. Do not overthink it. If it is a lasting fling. that will be what it is. If it is THE ONE…there you go. I don’t think you should worry about B too much . He is seeing you with te same guy time and again…seeing you happy…That make kids happy. If it were a different guy all the time…then I would worry about the kids. What does Mr. RFN think?

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jonb September 2, 2008 at 2:52 am

Well it sounds to me like deep down you already know your answer. Having Kris around from time to time will not impede anything, in my opinion. If he gives you a little support and puts a smile on your face from time to time, nothing is wrong with that.

I was seeing someone when I met my ex. From the day we met there was an obvious bond between us and despite trying I was drawn to her. The next ten months of my life were a whirlwind of emotions, but most importantly, I knew real love for the first time in my life. I learned how to love by watching her and her child. I saw the power of love in how I made her feel, and how her son bonded with me.

I broke up with her recently not out of fear or a lack of love, but because some htings had gone wrong in our relationship that had caused us to stop growing together. The love is still in my heart, but for me to help her, our relationship had to change. The relationship we had as it was, failed. But that doesn;t mean a knew one cannot be built, one day at a time.

I guess what I am getting at is love takes on so many shapes and forms. I think in a way you have form of love for Kris, an appreciation for bringing some normalcy into your life, for showing you there are good men out there for you and that you can, with the right person, trust again.

You needn;t worry Alaina. Love will find you when the time is right, and you will know it, without question. The world has a way of rewarding those who put forth love, and judging by your son, I think you have that down in spades.

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T September 2, 2008 at 7:48 am

Wow. You have some wonderful advice there!

I really have nothing much to add except to enjoy him, be grateful for your “right now” and everything else will happen as it should!!

And don’t feel guilty about it! :)

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Single Mom Seeking September 2, 2008 at 10:01 am

Thanks for the honest post.

I had a Mr. Right now for a year… and it was just what I needed at the time. I wasn’t ready for a relationship. (From your post, it doesn’t sound like you’re there, either.) This man had almost no contact with my child. I’m now grateful for that.

Then, I found myself needing more. This man had been very honest from Day 1 that he didn’t want to be part of the family mix. He simply liked our after-hours time together. We maturely parted ways… it was time.

You’ll know when it’s time. But it might be rough on Benjamin, especially as he gets older. If there’s any way that you can keep Kris “after hours,” I’d highly recommend this.

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AlLaf September 2, 2008 at 10:33 am

Just out of curiosity and to compare with my own relationship with a single mom, would your son’s father be Mr. Right if he was a better parent?

I’m geniuily curious about this.

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mssinglemama September 2, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Tent camper and Jon B – I love all of your advice and you guy’s perspective. Invaluable here… and, yes, I am definitely trying to relax.

T – and also trying not to feel guilty.

SMS – thanks for the advice, I’ll keep that in mind. But I can’t keep Benjamin from having fun with his best guy friend for fear of any hurt that may come in the future. The pros outweigh the cons in my eyes. And he is FAR more attached to his father than Kris and clearly knows the difference.

Ailaf – Benjamin’s father is as good of a father as he can be. But as we always joke with each other “he’s a much better father than he was a husband.” My ex didn’t know how to be a husband – that’s why we’re not together. Hope that helps.

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QTMama September 4, 2008 at 6:49 am

And here I thought you were going to confess that you really ARE a russian mail order bride. Pbbfftttt.

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cisforcow September 5, 2008 at 7:26 am

Just in to offer hugs – haven’t had much time to read up lately – hardly confession worthy – i think we’ve all been here and no, i don’t think having a mr right now will keep Mr right from showing up…God has a plan.

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Kgrrrl September 5, 2008 at 11:40 am

That’s hilarious!
ENJOY!
There’s no reason why not. The fact is, if you’re not looking, then you’ll meet someone, even if you have a ‘side-thing’ going on. I met a guy when I was with a ‘friends with benefits.’ It was easy and he ended up meeting someone too. We filled each other’s needs and moved on.
And now… I got me a youngen too ;) He’s SUPER hot and well, it’s good. It’s not a ‘right now’ as far as I know, as we’re both head over heals, but sometimes you never know ;)
Life has an interesting way of moving along without you sometimes.
ENJOY – once again ;)

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Tania April 19, 2014 at 12:18 am

I’m going through the exact same thing right now! I’ve been casually dating this guy for a few months and we really like each other but he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now. Unfortunately despite my attempts at trying to keep it casual I just don’t think I can. My interest in dating other guys is non-existent even though I try. And I can’t stop my feelings or my thoughts about a relationship with him. Ugh Single mom dating sucks

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