Comments on: How to get over a break up. http://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/ Single Mom Dating? Real advice from a real single mom. Thu, 24 May 2012 03:18:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Elliehttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-58128 Ellie Tue, 24 Apr 2012 18:09:47 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-58128 I am currently going through a break up and yes I have deleted some stuff but other stuff I have moved around and saved just so that I can read later. I am 46 years old and have never loved the way I loved this man and he was just a boyfriend. This article is just what I needed. He wants to be a friend but I don't think so. I am currently going through a break up and yes I have deleted some stuff but other stuff I have moved around and saved just so that I can read later. I am 46 years old and have never loved the way I loved this man and he was just a boyfriend. This article is just what I needed. He wants to be a friend but I don’t think so.

]]> By: Vanessa Maldonadohttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-25450 Vanessa Maldonado Sun, 30 Jan 2011 23:54:38 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-25450 Thank you! This post had help me a lot. Thanks! Thank you! This post had help me a lot. Thanks!

]]> By: NotADadhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-8753 NotADad Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:43:07 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-8753 I don't know about Dead To Me. It can be argued that truly letting go means being able to have a different type of relationship with that person and be grateful for what good times you had, fully realizing that things have completely changed. Accepting responsibility where it lies with you, forgiving yourself and them, but not forgetting. Moving on into separate lives, but perhaps being able to stay in touch, or not, without feeling bad either way. Learning so the next person gets a better deal. Two separate people again, perhaps even appreciating each other differently. That's the theory anyway. I have managed this with a few short term albeit quite sexual relationships, and had some really good woman friends as a result, mainly free of any overtones. Pretty positive and all very mature. But with my long term de facto (= married) relationship of long ago, there was just too much shock and bitterness when she king hit me and suddenly walked out after 7 years. I was not geared to handle it at all well. I was co-dependent - rather, just outright dependent. It fucked me right up. Any contact we had then ended in mutual tears and terrible scenes, me a wreck on the floor, her cold and detached like a stone. Love and hate all at once, resentment, begging, pleading, her saying terrible, totally unnecessary, hateful, vengeful things. Lots of platitudes because what else can you say when there is nothing left to say? . Me trying to defend, trying to get her back, writing and leaving her a heartfelt love poem in the style of EE Cummings on her doorstep. Anything. Totally nuts, totally lost, a total loser. Even if she wanted to come back (I don't think she ever did), I was such a wreck from the abrupt breakup that there was no-one to come back to. Who? I wasn't there anymore, just this emotional mess. So, she said one pitiful phone call: "I don't think we should have any contact anymore for a while". Me: "How long?". She: "I don't know." Me: "I love you". She: nothing. We never have had any contact of any sort since. That was nearly 20 years ago. For 6 months I was a complete wreck. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say I had a quite serious break with reality, stayed out of being institutionalized, meditated, and somehow went back to school and did a postgraduate course, crazily in a high status course. I needed a focus, it was writing related and I could handle that. With great difficulty. Waking up at night and thinking she was there, then realizing she wasn't. Boring isn't it, reading about other people's breakup stories? Like banal traffic accidents, we valorise these ordinary struggles and wear them like war wounds or the aftermath of heroic surgey. Quite few people were moved, some were even hostile: "Get on with your life". That's what she said too. I left the city and that damned house as soon as I could after finishing my 1 year postgrad. I moved back to my home town, cold called until I got a good job. Did ok. Eventually moved again into another town and another ok job. Built a sort of career. Recovery was very slow, at least 2 years to get things really straight. I'm still recovering. Dead to me? Yes, I said that to myself many times. Still do. But I often think I would have recovered much faster if we could have parted more serenely, with more clear discussion, and with at least a few conscious attempts to make it work. I said so at the time. We did none of that. She didn't really leave that option open. With a better parting, we could have stayed in touch I think, and I would not have hated and pined for her so much at the same time. I don't know about Dead To Me. It can be argued that truly letting go means being able to have a different type of relationship with that person and be grateful for what good times you had, fully realizing that things have completely changed. Accepting responsibility where it lies with you, forgiving yourself and them, but not forgetting. Moving on into separate lives, but perhaps being able to stay in touch, or not, without feeling bad either way. Learning so the next person gets a better deal. Two separate people again, perhaps even appreciating each other differently. That's the theory anyway.

I have managed this with a few short term albeit quite sexual relationships, and had some really good woman friends as a result, mainly free of any overtones. Pretty positive and all very mature.

But with my long term de facto (= married) relationship of long ago, there was just too much shock and bitterness when she king hit me and suddenly walked out after 7 years. I was not geared to handle it at all well. I was co-dependent – rather, just outright dependent. It fucked me right up. Any contact we had then ended in mutual tears and terrible scenes, me a wreck on the floor, her cold and detached like a stone. Love and hate all at once, resentment, begging, pleading, her saying terrible, totally unnecessary, hateful, vengeful things. Lots of platitudes because what else can you say when there is nothing left to say? . Me trying to defend, trying to get her back, writing and leaving her a heartfelt love poem in the style of EE Cummings on her doorstep. Anything. Totally nuts, totally lost, a total loser. Even if she wanted to come back (I don't think she ever did), I was such a wreck from the abrupt breakup that there was no-one to come back to. Who? I wasn't there anymore, just this emotional mess.

So, she said one pitiful phone call: "I don't think we should have any contact anymore for a while". Me: "How long?". She: "I don't know." Me: "I love you". She: nothing.

We never have had any contact of any sort since. That was nearly 20 years ago. For 6 months I was a complete wreck. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say I had a quite serious break with reality, stayed out of being institutionalized, meditated, and somehow went back to school and did a postgraduate course, crazily in a high status course. I needed a focus, it was writing related and I could handle that. With great difficulty. Waking up at night and thinking she was there, then realizing she wasn't. Boring isn't it, reading about other people's breakup stories? Like banal traffic accidents, we valorise these ordinary struggles and wear them like war wounds or the aftermath of heroic surgey. Quite few people were moved, some were even hostile: "Get on with your life". That's what she said too.

I left the city and that damned house as soon as I could after finishing my 1 year postgrad. I moved back to my home town, cold called until I got a good job. Did ok. Eventually moved again into another town and another ok job. Built a sort of career. Recovery was very slow, at least 2 years to get things really straight. I'm still recovering.

Dead to me? Yes, I said that to myself many times. Still do. But I often think I would have recovered much faster if we could have parted more serenely, with more clear discussion, and with at least a few conscious attempts to make it work. I said so at the time. We did none of that. She didn't really leave that option open. With a better parting, we could have stayed in touch I think, and I would not have hated and pined for her so much at the same time.

]]> By: Jorjusssshttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-6084 Jorjussss Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:07:48 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-6084 agree wholeheartedly wit brooke.. re: hanging on to false hope. im there right now.. and have been here for about a month. never felt like this before with previous ones.. feel as though i can't get out of this rut.. and yet, i KNOW what i should do/shouldn't do. Tried DTM the last time we ''broke up'' and we got bk together.. now i feel like im the dead one.? Will try again.............. x agree wholeheartedly wit brooke.. re: hanging on to false hope. im there right now.. and have been here for about a month. never felt like this before with previous ones.. feel as though i can’t get out of this rut.. and yet, i KNOW what i should do/shouldn’t do.

Tried DTM the last time we ”broke up” and we got bk together.. now i feel like im the dead one.?

Will try again………….. x

]]> By: Brookehttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-5853 Brooke Sun, 18 Jan 2009 00:58:44 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-5853 Hi. This is so true. You have to realize that the person you loved so dear is dead to you. In any case, it's like a death. It's like seeing the person you love still walking around and talking to people. It's hard, but in time you do heal. You can't rush it. Also, you can't feel bad for missing that person. It's only human. But I totally agree with DTM! I just want to learn how totally let go, because I feel like I'm still hanging on to false hope. Hi. This is so true. You have to realize that the person you loved so dear is dead to you. In any case, it’s like a death. It’s like seeing the person you love still walking around and talking to people. It’s hard, but in time you do heal. You can’t rush it. Also, you can’t feel bad for missing that person. It’s only human. But I totally agree with DTM! I just want to learn how totally let go, because I feel like I’m still hanging on to false hope.

]]> By: Amirahttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-5370 Amira Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:23:11 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-5370 Helpful--and funny!--to read. Now, if I can just apply it to "The Friend"... Helpful–and funny!–to read. Now, if I can just apply it to “The Friend”…

]]> By: tkhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-4731 tk Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:05:04 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-4731 I wish. It's been 4.5 years, we about to get engaged (the ring had already been paid for) and he realized he doesn't want to get married. Not to me, not to anyone. Did I mention we already live together and neither of us can afford to move out? I wish. It’s been 4.5 years, we about to get engaged (the ring had already been paid for) and he realized he doesn’t want to get married. Not to me, not to anyone. Did I mention we already live together and neither of us can afford to move out?

]]> By: LTPhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-3323 LTP Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:12:15 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-3323 We did, in fact, break-up. Some days I'm good--not tempted to call, email, or text....but other days, not so strong. It's so hard even if I know on every level he is not the person for me. But I have tried to live by your mantra of DTM....still trying. : ) We did, in fact, break-up. Some days I’m good–not tempted to call, email, or text….but other days, not so strong. It’s so hard even if I know on every level he is not the person for me. But I have tried to live by your mantra of DTM….still trying. : )

]]> By: LTPhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-2971 LTP Fri, 29 Aug 2008 03:38:29 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-2971 God, I sooooo needed to read this tonight! I am wrestling with breaking-up w/ my bf of nearly 2 years. I know I need to....I know, I know, I know....but it is sooo hard!!!! DTM is the way to go....and I have to be strong. I am going to print out this post and read it every day--DTM, DTM!!! Thanks!! God, I sooooo needed to read this tonight! I am wrestling with breaking-up w/ my bf of nearly 2 years. I know I need to….I know, I know, I know….but it is sooo hard!!!! DTM is the way to go….and I have to be strong. I am going to print out this post and read it every day–DTM, DTM!!! Thanks!!

]]> By: jonbhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/08/22/how-to-get-over-break-up/#comment-2907 jonb Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:15:10 +0000 http://mssinglemama.com/?p=980#comment-2907 Well I hate to say it but my girl and i broke up this weekend. unfortuantely we just have not been able to make it work. DTM may be the ideal way to handle things, but I really can't imagine being that cold to someone I love. It also hurts because Slim is so young that he won't understand things. I hope he doesn't come to feel abandoned. i hurt for him because there was a part of me that really wanted to be his father. it hurts really bad yall, losing them both. Well I hate to say it but my girl and i broke up this weekend. unfortuantely we just have not been able to make it work. DTM may be the ideal way to handle things, but I really can’t imagine being that cold to someone I love. It also hurts because Slim is so young that he won’t understand things. I hope he doesn’t come to feel abandoned. i hurt for him because there was a part of me that really wanted to be his father. it hurts really bad yall, losing them both.

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