Jane Wonder, the author of Confessions of a One Date Wonder (a personal favorite of mine) isn’t a single mom but she is a dating expert. I love her blog because she’s brutally honest about her emotions including the ups and downs of falling in love and breaking up. She’s also hilarious and writes about EVERYTHING. Here’s her take on how best to recover from a break up.
Dead Men Walking
By Jane Wonder
Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. 
No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.
My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and it is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, your new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*
First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.
Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you).
We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?
Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way.
These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.
On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest.
Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie.
I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.
If you liked this post you might like one I wrote a while ago on the Fine Art of Dumping, on how most of us choose to break up with our significant others – a true test, in my opinion, of a person’s true character.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
This is an excellent article and I agree whole heartedly with the DTM philosophy. I wonder if some of us (ahem) wouldn’t also benefit from a zombie management course, for those of us who have exes (what is the plural of ex?) with children. In this case, the law prevents us from following the DTM approach, attractive though it is.
This post was written just for me. I am haying the worst time letting go of my ex boyfriend. Ex husband? Nooo problems there. My favorite is the “just friends” situation, we can’t do it. We’ve tried. I think I am going to finish it by trying the DTM system……. ergh.
This post cracked me up. But as it was pointed out, it doesn’t really apply to single parents. Sure, I can consider my ex-boyfriend dead… ah, how easy — but my kid had a relationship with him, too. What then?
SMS –
You tell us! Have you written a post about it? Leave the link.
In regards to this post… I think this is a way to break up with someone you just had a passionate fling with… if there are kids involved and it’s a long-term relationship ending the DTM theory may not apply.
Good luck Aprille!
Actually SMS – here’s a post I wrote in January on explaining a break up to the kids. It’s from when my best friend Abby’s daughter came to us heart broken – asking about her ex-boyfriend. We didn’t even know what to say! Talk about real heart ache. Anyway, here it is:
http://mssinglemama.com/23/telling-the-kids/
… there are a lot of helpful comments
Hey, thanks for letting me help you while you’re out of town!
Just wanted to drop in to say that of course thi isn’t meant as a philosophy for an ex with whom you have children. But I would imagine that doesn’t describe every ex you have, so I think it’s still useful advice for all of us.
this is perfection! My most recent ex is hating my employment of the DTM strategy, but I’m standing ground adamently with the faith that it’s the only way I’m going to get out of that frying pan and move along! Loved this!
Well I hate to say it but my girl and i broke up this weekend. unfortuantely we just have not been able to make it work. DTM may be the ideal way to handle things, but I really can’t imagine being that cold to someone I love. It also hurts because Slim is so young that he won’t understand things. I hope he doesn’t come to feel abandoned. i hurt for him because there was a part of me that really wanted to be his father. it hurts really bad yall, losing them both.
God, I sooooo needed to read this tonight! I am wrestling with breaking-up w/ my bf of nearly 2 years. I know I need to….I know, I know, I know….but it is sooo hard!!!! DTM is the way to go….and I have to be strong. I am going to print out this post and read it every day–DTM, DTM!!! Thanks!!
We did, in fact, break-up. Some days I’m good–not tempted to call, email, or text….but other days, not so strong. It’s so hard even if I know on every level he is not the person for me. But I have tried to live by your mantra of DTM….still trying. : )
I wish. It’s been 4.5 years, we about to get engaged (the ring had already been paid for) and he realized he doesn’t want to get married. Not to me, not to anyone. Did I mention we already live together and neither of us can afford to move out?
Helpful–and funny!–to read. Now, if I can just apply it to “The Friend”…
Hi. This is so true. You have to realize that the person you loved so dear is dead to you. In any case, it’s like a death. It’s like seeing the person you love still walking around and talking to people. It’s hard, but in time you do heal. You can’t rush it. Also, you can’t feel bad for missing that person. It’s only human. But I totally agree with DTM! I just want to learn how totally let go, because I feel like I’m still hanging on to false hope.
agree wholeheartedly wit brooke.. re: hanging on to false hope. im there right now.. and have been here for about a month. never felt like this before with previous ones.. feel as though i can’t get out of this rut.. and yet, i KNOW what i should do/shouldn’t do.
Tried DTM the last time we ”broke up” and we got bk together.. now i feel like im the dead one.?
Will try again………….. x
I don't know about Dead To Me. It can be argued that truly letting go means being able to have a different type of relationship with that person and be grateful for what good times you had, fully realizing that things have completely changed. Accepting responsibility where it lies with you, forgiving yourself and them, but not forgetting. Moving on into separate lives, but perhaps being able to stay in touch, or not, without feeling bad either way. Learning so the next person gets a better deal. Two separate people again, perhaps even appreciating each other differently. That's the theory anyway.
I have managed this with a few short term albeit quite sexual relationships, and had some really good woman friends as a result, mainly free of any overtones. Pretty positive and all very mature.
But with my long term de facto (= married) relationship of long ago, there was just too much shock and bitterness when she king hit me and suddenly walked out after 7 years. I was not geared to handle it at all well. I was co-dependent – rather, just outright dependent. It fucked me right up. Any contact we had then ended in mutual tears and terrible scenes, me a wreck on the floor, her cold and detached like a stone. Love and hate all at once, resentment, begging, pleading, her saying terrible, totally unnecessary, hateful, vengeful things. Lots of platitudes because what else can you say when there is nothing left to say? . Me trying to defend, trying to get her back, writing and leaving her a heartfelt love poem in the style of EE Cummings on her doorstep. Anything. Totally nuts, totally lost, a total loser. Even if she wanted to come back (I don't think she ever did), I was such a wreck from the abrupt breakup that there was no-one to come back to. Who? I wasn't there anymore, just this emotional mess.
So, she said one pitiful phone call: "I don't think we should have any contact anymore for a while". Me: "How long?". She: "I don't know." Me: "I love you". She: nothing.
We never have had any contact of any sort since. That was nearly 20 years ago. For 6 months I was a complete wreck. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say I had a quite serious break with reality, stayed out of being institutionalized, meditated, and somehow went back to school and did a postgraduate course, crazily in a high status course. I needed a focus, it was writing related and I could handle that. With great difficulty. Waking up at night and thinking she was there, then realizing she wasn't. Boring isn't it, reading about other people's breakup stories? Like banal traffic accidents, we valorise these ordinary struggles and wear them like war wounds or the aftermath of heroic surgey. Quite few people were moved, some were even hostile: "Get on with your life". That's what she said too.
I left the city and that damned house as soon as I could after finishing my 1 year postgrad. I moved back to my home town, cold called until I got a good job. Did ok. Eventually moved again into another town and another ok job. Built a sort of career. Recovery was very slow, at least 2 years to get things really straight. I'm still recovering.
Dead to me? Yes, I said that to myself many times. Still do. But I often think I would have recovered much faster if we could have parted more serenely, with more clear discussion, and with at least a few conscious attempts to make it work. I said so at the time. We did none of that. She didn't really leave that option open. With a better parting, we could have stayed in touch I think, and I would not have hated and pined for her so much at the same time.
Thank you! This post had help me a lot. Thanks!