How to get over a break up.
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Jane Wonder, the author of Confessions of a One Date Wonder (a personal favorite of mine) isn’t a single mom but she is a dating expert. I love her blog because she’s brutally honest about her emotions including the ups and downs of falling in love and breaking up. She’s also hilarious and writes about EVERYTHING. Here’s her take on how best to recover from a break up.
Dead Men Walking
By Jane Wonder
Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. 
No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.
My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and it is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, your new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*
First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.
Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you).
We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voicemails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?
Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way.
These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.
On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest.
Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie.
I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.
If you liked this post you might like one I wrote a while ago on the Fine Art of Dumping, on how most of us choose to break up with our significant others - a true test, in my opinion, of a person’s true character.
Filed under: Breaking up, Dating Single Moms, Dating tips (for the single mama), Dating, sex and love
This is an excellent article and I agree whole heartedly with the DTM philosophy. I wonder if some of us (ahem) wouldn’t also benefit from a zombie management course, for those of us who have exes (what is the plural of ex?) with children. In this case, the law prevents us from following the DTM approach, attractive though it is.
This post was written just for me. I am haying the worst time letting go of my ex boyfriend. Ex husband? Nooo problems there. My favorite is the “just friends” situation, we can’t do it. We’ve tried. I think I am going to finish it by trying the DTM system……. ergh.
This post cracked me up. But as it was pointed out, it doesn’t really apply to single parents. Sure, I can consider my ex-boyfriend dead… ah, how easy — but my kid had a relationship with him, too. What then?
SMS -
You tell us! Have you written a post about it? Leave the link.
In regards to this post… I think this is a way to break up with someone you just had a passionate fling with… if there are kids involved and it’s a long-term relationship ending the DTM theory may not apply.
Good luck Aprille!
Actually SMS - here’s a post I wrote in January on explaining a break up to the kids. It’s from when my best friend Abby’s daughter came to us heart broken - asking about her ex-boyfriend. We didn’t even know what to say! Talk about real heart ache. Anyway, here it is:
http://mssinglemama.com/23/telling-the-kids/
… there are a lot of helpful comments
Hey, thanks for letting me help you while you’re out of town!
Just wanted to drop in to say that of course thi isn’t meant as a philosophy for an ex with whom you have children. But I would imagine that doesn’t describe every ex you have, so I think it’s still useful advice for all of us.
this is perfection! My most recent ex is hating my employment of the DTM strategy, but I’m standing ground adamently with the faith that it’s the only way I’m going to get out of that frying pan and move along! Loved this!
Well I hate to say it but my girl and i broke up this weekend. unfortuantely we just have not been able to make it work. DTM may be the ideal way to handle things, but I really can’t imagine being that cold to someone I love. It also hurts because Slim is so young that he won’t understand things. I hope he doesn’t come to feel abandoned. i hurt for him because there was a part of me that really wanted to be his father. it hurts really bad yall, losing them both.
God, I sooooo needed to read this tonight! I am wrestling with breaking-up w/ my bf of nearly 2 years. I know I need to….I know, I know, I know….but it is sooo hard!!!! DTM is the way to go….and I have to be strong. I am going to print out this post and read it every day–DTM, DTM!!! Thanks!!
We did, in fact, break-up. Some days I’m good–not tempted to call, email, or text….but other days, not so strong. It’s so hard even if I know on every level he is not the person for me. But I have tried to live by your mantra of DTM….still trying. : )
I wish. It’s been 4.5 years, we about to get engaged (the ring had already been paid for) and he realized he doesn’t want to get married. Not to me, not to anyone. Did I mention we already live together and neither of us can afford to move out?
Helpful–and funny!–to read. Now, if I can just apply it to “The Friend”…