How to Spot a Jerk

by mssinglemama on August 21, 2008

When you’re a dating single mom there is arguably, nothing worse than being hurt by a man. 

Sometimes that hurt is unintentional. We both enter into the relationship or fling with the best of intentions. But sometimes a jerk sneaks in and shatters your world. One of my favorite single moms in the blogosphere, QT Mama, has some tips on how to spot a jerk in the wild. 

Fried Eggs On a Nail 

By QT Mama

I have heard of Green Eggs and Ham, oh yes I have Sam-I-Am. I have a five year old, who hasn’t? But what I had not heard, until recently, is the phrase “Fried Eggs on a Nail.”  

These words were uttered by a friend of mine, who for the purpose of this story, I’ll call Sam. I need to preface this by saying that Sam, is most certainly and in every definition of the word – a JERK. 

He knows it, he knows I think it, and he knows that I’m writing about it. But he’s my friend, and I love him for what and who he is, and for me, it’s a good man. But I’m not dating him.

Today, Sam asked me the following question:

“So are you still propping those big bigs up to make sure everyone notices?!!”

He is asking me about my breasts. I tell him yes, my breasts are fine and fabulous, thank you. His response? “That’s rare these days, good for you. The 32-year-old (his most recent fling) was not as fortunate. Nothing worse than fried eggs on a nail.”

And there it is, the prime example of a real, honest to goodness jerk. So I asked him to explain to me, exactly, what did that mean? He said, “Well, when nice tits go bad, they sag and they resemble what a fried egg would look like were it nailed to a wall.” And yet again, I shake my head and think “Those poor women. They have no idea what they are in for.” He is THAT guy, the one I avoid. The Jerk.

Read more to find out how single moms can spot jerks.

How do women spot a jerk?

More importantly, how do you spot a jerk before you start dating him? Because clearly, the blinking neon sign that says “JERK ALERT” is only for those women he’s already hurt. I am not an expert; but that won’t stop me from offering some tips on how to spot said Jerk. With a bit of help from Sam, of course. 

1. “I’ll call you on Tuesday.”

If Tuesday comes and goes and he doesn’t call? He’s a jerk. Get rid of him immediately. You ARE good enough for a phone call when he says he is going to call, and I don’t care what kind of excuse (other than death) he comes up with when he does finally call. If this early on, he is already not sticking to his word? He’s a jerk and he’s not that into. Buh Bye.

2. Me, Myself and I.

Ok, I admit, it’s often hard to see from someone else’s perspective, but a non-jerk does try. When everyone else is consistently wrong, when everyone else is ruining HIS world, when the guy at Taco Bell purposefully messed up his lunch order just to ruin his day, the guy is a jerk. Drop that burrito and hit the road, baby.

3. The Sex Hound

Once the sex is done, so is he. Unless of course, he’s drunk and decides then you’re good enough to date. Or have sex with. Let’s remember ladies, a man who only wants to see you when he’s drunk isn’t much of a man. At least that’s this mama’s opinion. Now, if he’s good in bed and you’re happy with the booty call … by all means, have at it. Safely please. You never know where a sex hound has been sniffing around.

4. The Player

Imagine me shuddering here. I hate the players. Yet they are there, waiting … just waiting for the next loving, warm wonderful woman to come along. And at first? They are attentive. They pay attention, they open doors, they bring flowers, they call when they say they are going to call, they are charming. You think you’ve hit the jackpot. Problem is, so do the 3 or 4 other women he’s doing the same thing with. These are very hard to spot, ladies. My only advice here, is when you do find out you’ve been played, get some girlfriends to gather with you, hide your phone from yourself and stay away from him. Run in the other direction as far as you can, because he will be back when the other ladies dump him. And you’ve got to stay strong, because no matter what, he’ll play again. Just don’t let it be with you.

5. The Narcissist

This is probably, by far, the hardest jerk to spot. Lisa Earle McLeod, author of Forget Perfect says, “Jerkiness is related to narcissism. A jerk usually has a long history of failed relationships, and they’ll always tell you why it was the other person’s fault. The relationship gets really serious really fast, they get infatuated, but the second the jerk finds out that you’re not perfect and you no longer see them as perfect, they become demanding and critical.”

And once that disappointment blemishes the relationship, the narcissist can never retrieve the fantasy feeling of true love. That euphoria of perfection in another. And in my experience, by the time you figure it out, you’re in too deep to simply walk away. Warning signs here? The long history of the failed relationships – relationships that ended always at the fault of the other person, they want to get serious VERY fast and then there’s the infatuation. As romantic as it may seem, be careful. Love at first sight by someone can be dangerous as well as romantic.

Not all men are jerks. Not all jerks are men, either. Let us remember, “Jerks have no gender, the only difference is the package they come in.”

Go forth and date my friends … Just proceed with caution.

[Photo: From film Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde]

Related posts:

  1. Single Mom Reflex #1: Take care of each other
  2. What do jerks and shoes have in common? Heels.
  3. Getting over it.
  4. Nerds make better lovers.
  5. Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?

{ 3 trackbacks }

Chicago, Spotting Jerks and Other Random Stuff « Qtmama’s Weblog
August 21, 2008 at 7:18 am
Journey Through Happiness
August 21, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Can’t Knock’em Out « A brand new day,with no mistakes in it…YET
August 22, 2008 at 5:24 am

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Kitkat4real (SOLO dot MOM) August 21, 2008 at 6:50 am

Great blog. I needed to read this today. Thanks for sharing the symptoms of the red flags to watch out for. #5 is my fave.

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marchliz August 21, 2008 at 6:51 am

Great post!
I was able to quickly identify my daughter’s father…yep got one of those pesky narcissists! I’m sure he is telling his next victim…um girlfriend ;) …that it was all my fault. Ah live and learn! I may just need to print this out and post it on my mirror LOL!

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T August 21, 2008 at 8:17 am

Great post QT Mama. I like how you’re not generalizing all men. This seems fair and very insightful! Thank you for sharing your well-earned wisdom!!!

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jenn August 21, 2008 at 9:26 am

So true! Great observations. Thanks. (I recongnized my ex in there, also.)

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Terry August 21, 2008 at 10:36 am

Super post, QT Mama. Loved the one about the guy who only wants to see you when he’s drunk!

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pisceshanna August 21, 2008 at 11:13 am

Thanks for sharing your unending wisdom with us grasshopper single moms. I saw an online dating profile that said “I like kids, but only if they are MY kids,”

DEFINITE JERK.

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Janet August 22, 2008 at 6:27 am

Wow, I can’t count how many jerks I met. I am bbw and I get guys who think I am so in the for a man because of my weight. A couple would say you are lucky I am talking to you. What a jerk.

http://just4moms.org

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Random Esquire August 22, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Good tips, QT!

That #5 certainly does sound like that bastard you dated who didn’t have any sense.

-R.

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Aprille August 22, 2008 at 4:32 pm

The Narcissit ….. I am sooo good at spotting them. Namely, EVERY single guy I have dated. hmm.. wonder if that means I am a narcissit and don’t even know it. Crap! I knew it was something having to do with me! But really, everyone, avoid this one at all costs, it hurts so much more when it ends then you can imagine.

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Jim H. August 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm

The Jerk is the guy women want to bang. Seriously. He’s the reason most of you are single mothers. You’re drawn to the Jerk. Other names for him would be the Hot Guy, the Cool Guy, the Racy Guy, the Dangerous Guy. You all want him.

Meanwhile, the Nice Guys are sitting at home dateless (yes, that’s me). We’re stable, caring, have a plan for our lives, would do anything for our mate. But so many women are drawn to losers. It’s sad. Just my two cents.

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J February 7, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Jim H.,

I really dislike hearing it when guys say that. There’s a subtle sense of entitlement there… “I’m a ‘nice guy’ so women should want me.” Maybe, just maybe, that’s why you don’t have a date?

I will not be blamed for someone else treating me badly. To say I married my ex because I “wanted” a jerk is victim-blaming…he quite literally changed after the marriage. (And thus me bailing.) It is not my fault he became a jerk later on.

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AlLaf August 28, 2008 at 10:36 am

There’s a lot of bitterness in the comments.

There’s no such thing as a jerk, except outright sociopaths.

Relationships can suck and most of the time, when we get hurt, we are solely responsible what happens because we’re too stupid to see the enormous cloud of smoke that precedes the fire.

Where there is a persecutor, there is someone who lets himself be a victim…

…most of the time.

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