How do I answer that one?
Benjamin is asking for his daddy ALL of the TIME.
Morning, noon and night. This is entirely new and I am stumped. He’s done it before but only
intermittently. Now he’s hit 2.6 and is very aware of the fact that Daddy and Mommy are not together (ever). What am I supposed to tell him? The “Daddy is at his house” line is getting old. And what does that mean to a 2-year-old anyway? Where is his daddy? Why isn’t his daddy here?
The real answer:
“He’s not here because mommy could not put up with his lazy, worthless ass… he’s not here because our lives would be miserable if he was.” I, of course, do not use the real answer.
The right answer:
[Fill in the blank with something a 2-year-old can actually understand = impossible]
Some background:
I left my ex-husband when Benjamin was 4-months-old. They see each other once a week for one night a week. And I’m glad they have such a strong bond. But… well, this is SO incredibly hard. I hate seeing him wanting something that I can’t give him.
Earlier last week, as he was crying for his dad again I had a thought, a mommy instinct I suppose, “Okay. I need to find the kid a dad.” It was really messed up. Like something I needed to find at the store. Benjamin wants a Dad who is here (why wouldn’t he) – so I should find him one.
I think that’s a trap a lot of single moms fall into… marrying a man just so their kids can have a father. And for a moment I understood why they do.
Then I had one of those “What if I had a husband?” daydreams. You know the ones. When you actually envision a man waiting for you downstairs. Cleaning up the kitchen while you’re putting your son to sleep. And then, after the kids are snuggled in tight, you help him finish up, maybe sneak up behind him and give him a tight hug. Then you curl up on the couch to watch a movie together, talk about your days or plans for the future. You’re both wearing turtlenecks and your matching Jeeps are parked out front.
And then… rather than leave my screaming, howling son in his room shouting for Daddy I caved and let him sleep in my bed.
THIS IS SO DAMN HARD.
P.S. (Daddy just cancelled on watching him while I’m gone)
“Daddy” had been adamant about keeping Benjamin the ENTIRE time I’ll be in Denmark – 7 days straight. I was nervous for weeks about this. Well, yesterday I decided to drop Benjamin at his grandmother’s so I could have a full day to pack and prepare for the trip. And then Daddy calls and says, “Oh, I won’t be able to get him until Wednesday – I have to work.”
After all of that. All of the grief and insistence on keeping him the entire time when I had suggested and encouraged him to keep him at my mother’s. So now he will only have him for four days, maybe even less… we’ll see. Again I pose the question… would Benjamin be better off with no father at all or one who cancels at the last minute and is clearly ambivalent about being a father.
My father was amazing. The best. So I don’t know what it will be like for Benjamin to have a father like this. Won’t it leave him with issues of feeling unloved or rejected? I better work on finding that husband. Opening my heart – trying too… I wish my daddy was here, he’d know what to do.
Guide me all of you more experienced single moms. Please, give a mama some tips or just vent.
Related post
- O’Daddy Where Art Thou? – From the good old days when Benjamin called every man Daddy…
- A Letter to My Future Husband -Evidence that I do have hope.
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i know exactly what you are going through. my ex is supposed to take our son, who will be 6 in december, every other weekend and two nights a week for dinner. for the last year and a half to two years, he has not taken him for the dinners during the week. to make matters even worse, he just moved a few blocks from my house, so he is only 5 minutes away (used to live 30 mins away). and as if it wasn’t bad enough, our son’s best friends dad is my ex’s roommate, and this dad has his kid over all the time.
so we drive past my son’s dad’s house every day. he cries almost every day for his dad, asks me why he can’t see his dad more, and asks why his best friend gets to go over there more than he does. it sucks, but what i always tell him is that he needs to ask his dad that question. so i think you should probably just tell benjamin that his dad is at his house until he gets older.
i do have something that may be helpful to you in the future, though. my son asks a lot why his dad and i aren’t married any more. even though the real reasons are vast, they are not appropriate for a son to hear about his father from his mother. so i say that his dad and i are better just being friends than being husband and wife, and that we decided that it would be best for all of us if he and i lived in different houses. and then i tell him that his dad and i both love him more than absolutely anyone in the universe. this approach has worked well for the time being, although i know i’ll probably have to explain it differently when he gets older and more mature.
sorry for writing a novel in your comments section:) this is a subject that i am incredibly sensitive about, and always talking on and on when it does come up. mostly i just wanted you to know that i feel for you, and support you. even though there are hard repercussions from your divorce, such as this one, your reasons for leaving were completely valid. and you are right that your and benjamin’s lives would both be completely miserable if you two were still together… i know that as a child of divorced parents as well as being a divorced parent now myself! hang in there!
Hey sweetie. Oh, that is a tough one. Henry asks for his dad a lot, and for the most part, if he isn’t going to see his dad soon, I will have him call (keep in mind his father has never once called to talk to him, since he left oh, almost two years ago). I don’t know what I am going to do now that daddy is in boot camp for the next four months, although I do have an unlikely ally in daddy’s fiancee. Yeah, I will explain that one if you want. I pretty much do the standard, daddy lives at his house and you get to see daddy on blankity blank days and daddy and mommy both love you so very much, but mommy and daddy don’t live together. I think it is just at this age, bf’s girls always want to know where Henry is when is not with me, and they have always known a life where it is mommy and daddy living apart. I don’t know what to tell you beyond keep doing what you are doing. And yes, we all wish for our kids to have a dad, and that lovely nuclear family going on. And I think that one day, we will both enjoy that life, but right now, we have a wonderful family with just our little men, and as long as he (Benjman) has other positive male role models in his life (thankfully, Henry has always had grandpa, and now my dbf). Hopefully, one day his daddy will get his head out of his ass, and realize that he is missing out on so much and make an effort to really be there for his kid.
I’ve been through this. My X will actually call and tell my son he is on the way and then never show up and I’m left with a crying toddler who wants to know were Daddy is. I see a child physiatrist once a week who told me the most important thing was to reassure him that he could count on me.
I remember saying to him “I don’t know were Daddy is, I do know that he loves you, but he should be put in a time-out for not calling you, I can promise you that Mommy is always here, and mommy always comes back. We have had the “mommy always comes back conversation” so many times that I’ve heard him say it to reassure another child. I remember laying in my bed with him (yes I gave in one that one too) one morning while he went one about Daddy not coming the night before and daddy not sleeping in Mommy’s big bed (he feels there is plenty of room) We had a long talk about Will and I being a team and that this house is “ours” and how even after I go to a meeting I always come home to Will and I miss him so much when we are apart.
I also remember him crying at Soccer Tots one Sunday morning because his dad was a no-show. I told him his Daddy was not reliable and sometimes he’ll come and sometimes he wont, but I ALWAYS WILL! (no pressure there right?) The shrink said that was ok to say that I needed to tell him that. He’s also asked why dad doesn’t live with us and I say that some Daddy’s live with the Mommies and some Daddy’s don’t. I’ve tried not to go deeper… but dang it’s hard when you get why, why, why! Recently we had to discuss why daddy can’t move with us I actually blogged about this one.
http://singlemomredefiningfamily.blogspot.com/2008/08/but-mommy-i-want-daddy-to-move-with-us.html
Will has grasped the idea that he can count on me, but he still get’s disappointed in Daddy. I try whenever I can to not tell Will when his dad is coming. Girl it’s so tough.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN and confusion!
My son is 6 and a few weeks ago cried for 2 days solidly for his dad (who refused ALL my calls and smses)
My kids dad is inconsistent and unreliable. Last time he saw them was for a week at the end of June – they returned full of hope and since then NOT A WORD!!!!!! My daughter doesnt seem as effected as my son and I HATE it! I hate having to be the one who has to figure out what to say – when the answer is “your dad has his own life now”
I am as honest as I can be and simple say “I dont know where your dad is. When you speak to him again ask him” and so they do. He actually told Kiara in one of their conversations “I cant come next weekend I have things to do” – I wanted to smash the phone into a thousand pieces.
Fortunately at all of 4 my daughter sees through him and I heard her tell her brother “its NOT moms fault he doesnt come its HIS fault”
I have no words of wisdom except be as honest as you can and just let him know you are there!
I do NOT suggest finding a husband for this reason to ;-p
This is a hard one. My daughter is a couple weeks away from being two and she has no visitation with her dad (long story). He has never been in her life and I think she’s starting to notice. She has been calling strange men at the store “daddy” and when she’s upset she sometimes cries for daddy, even though she doesn’t know who he is. It breaks my heart. I don’t know how I’ll explain things to her as she gets older. Sorry I’m not much help, but I do feel your pain.
this is hard. my exhusband tells my kids things like “if your mom moved closer, we’d see more of each other” when in actuality, it is he who keeps cancelling and going on trips and rearranging his custody schedule so he sees them less due to his “life”. It’s hard to not tell them all of that. The summer has been good but come winter, he starts doing it again. I saw you on unravelingmysteries’ blog, will look forward to reading back to previous parts of your blog.
You know I’m right there with you, girl. Our kids are the same age, and our ex’s are the same age..mentally..(sorry..bitterness getting me). Both you and I are at a lose for what to do. We have been completely flexible and proactive in trying to get our Exes to spend more time with their kids. Sadly, this approach doesn’t seem to do any good.
Your ex seems less hostile towards you, but who knows if demanding a set schedule or taking him to court will do anything. In my case, I’m afraid it will trigger anger management classes in my Ex, your case…maybe push the Ex away forever.
I’m sorry, cause I feel your pain. All I know is I’m ready to take the offensive, and demand the respect myself and my daughter deserve. I know you’ll do the right thing in the meantime…be strong momma.
I hear you – all of you… and this is why I have this blog. I don’t feel alone anymore. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
I’m actually going to have more fun b/c Benjamin will be safe and sound at grandma’s. This afternoon he took a nap in a hammock! My little guy.
I love you guys! Thanks again.
SUCH a difficult situation. It’s strange how kids go through phases like this. Have you tried, “Daddy is at work?” He’s too young to rationalize the situation or have a talk with you about it (i.e. Daddy is lazy and I DID make the right decision, etc etc…ok, maybe you wouldn’t put in the lazy part) but he’s old enough to vocalize that he misses him.
Wish we lived in the same state. I’d take your little man for a few days in an instant.
I married a guy to give my son a daddy…my second husband.
The boy’s father and I split before I even knew I was pregnant, and he dissapeared when he learned I was. I met “The Sequal” shortly after but we didn’t “date” until after the boy was born. He moved in, we got pregnant, we got married…and in hindsight, I realize it was all because: 1) I didn’t think I could be choosy with my men…who wants baggage, right? and 2) to give my boy a daddy who would be there.
5 years later, he’s not there either. The bio-dad is fighting me for custody now (I have no idea why…just to mess with me?) and the step-dad sees him once a month, lessening. But I’ve gone through it with both my kids, the where’s daddy, I want my daddy, I NEED my daddy…it sucks, I know. All I can say is, keep constant with your answer and it will pass. As he gets older, you can make your explainations more detailed, but for now, just continue reiterating there are two houses, Mommy lives here with you, and Daddy lives at his house. And always, always tell him Daddy loves him and misses him too.
As years go by, your son will figure it all out. It will seem slow as they pass, but you will see it. My kids are getting it, slowly, and they are ok.
ps. I’ve found a guy I really like, and my kids really like. He’s great with them, and is in fact a great dad to his own kids. But we always specify that he is our (my kids and my) “friend.” He will never be daddy, he will never act like daddy, he will never be thought of as daddy. It’s a mutual agreement that we’ve decided to live by, and it seems to work out better for all.
Glad to hear I’m not alone with the feeling of urgency to find my kids a daddy! I like being single although it can be lonely at times, but for the most part I LIKE IT! However, there are those days when I feel that having a partner would take a lot of weight of my shoulders as far as having help with bills. And there there’s the feeling of my kids needing a daddy! My daughter is 8 and my son is 6 and it almost feels as if time is running out! Pretty soon they won’t want me to have a husband or they won’t take well to him! But none-the-less you are not alone!!!! I feel the same way too, but the feeling comes and goes!
Oh I so know what you mean!! I am an 29 single momma.. My son’s sperm doner left when he was 3 weeks old.. Ayden has maybe seen his dad a handful of times.
Ayden is in that same stage where EVERY MAN is daddy.. I try to tell him that his dad is at work. Other than that I just try to divert him to something else. It breaks my heart to know that his dad is such a dead beat that he would rather have drugs & drink than have us. But I looked at it this way….
I keep him in Ayden and my life, he ruens all of our lives.. I let him go, he just ruens his life.. Just a thought..
I just want to say thank you for your blog.. As you have said, It’s nice to know that other people are going though the same “stuff” as I am..
Misty :0)
I must be lucky. I left my ex (violent) when my son was 3. He has never asked to see his Dad but (until recently) I have always ensured he sees him despite living a four hour drive away and he never makes the trip. Until this year I arranged for him to go to his Dad’s for extended periods (school vacation etc) – which was handy as far as chilcare is concerned. My son is nearly 12 now and has decided himself that he doesn’t want to keep in touch with his Dad. I (am I mad) have encouraged him to phone etc (he is your Dad blah blah) but he isn’t interested. My parents moved to Scotland in January which made it even less likely that I would take him to his Dad’s anyway (they did live in the same town) and for summer this year my son has spent a month with his Grandma and Grandad
It’s a hard one that question. My son has never met his father (our story is on my about page) but he still asks for him and asks when he’s going to meet him. I’ve told him a limited version of the truth, that his dad’s in a different country and that one day he’ll meet him.
It’s a hard one, and obviously I’m not alone. At least I don’t have to worry about his dad being around here, but not being around here.
My son is 3 and saw his dad for the first time a month ago, he hasn't come back. For 2 weeks he would cry for daddy. He is over it now, but we are supposed to go to his birthday party. I tried talking ot my son, he said he didn't want to talk about it and was upset that daddy didn't come back. It was heartbreaking. My plan is to talk to grandma (his dad's mom) and explain the heartbreak. Then talk to dad. If he can't commit, then don't come at all until he can. I'm not going to have my little boys heart broken repeatedly. I told him that visiting daddy is like going to the play ground. Its fun, but it doesn't take care of you like mommy. Don' t know how well that will work, I'll have to let you know.
My son went through the phase where all guys were daddy, too. It's because of daycare. I laughed and told him that's not his daddy. He doesn't have a daddy. But he does have a Pop Pop and a Mr. colin and a Mommy. That works well enough.
When M was little and first asked about Daddy, she was told how much Mommy loved Daddy, and you were born….but Daddy decided he wasn’t ready to be a Daddy and didn’t want responsiblities. He just wanted to have fun with his friends..he didn’t want to work all the time..and just wasn’t ready to be a Dad. That was 11 yrs. ago..He lives 7 miles away and this child has NEVER had a Birthday card from him..or anything else. She still understand he doesn’t want to be a Dad. But she is very happy and a totally normal little girl.. ….so dad you snooze you looze.