Love at first sight.
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Stunning revelation: my soul mate is two feet tall.
(Here’s how I really truly figured it out.)
This weekend I was telling one of my friends how lucky she is to have such an incredibly fulfilling marriage with such an amazing man. They are both blissfully in love and I’m sure they are “soul mates.”
Then she told me about her mother, who was a single mom until she finally met her husband when she was 46-years-old. “You’ll find someone,” she said sweetly.
“You know what though. I might not. And that’ll be okay.” She started to shake her head, “No, really, I’m serious. Because I’ve already met one soul mate and that’s more than most people get to meet in their lifetime.”
Sure I had to make him. But it still counts.
And yes, he acts like a monkey sometimes… literally - throwing things, climbing things, smearing bananas on things and pooping on things… but he also blows me kisses, tells me he loves me, cuddles me and forgives me when I mess up.
And today, something remarkable happened, my little monkey learned how to swing by himself.
His little legs pushed off and then he leaned back, stretched out his arms and stared up into the sky. His head back, his mouth open in awe. He was lost in the moment and as I watched him I could feel what he was feeling - remembering myself what it felt like to lean back into a swing and let go. Gliding, staring into the clouds peppered in red and pink from the sun setting - completely free, defying gravity.
On our walk home from the park, he was completely silent in his stroller. I parked it by the side door and popped my head around the edge to make him laugh. But he didn’t laugh. He was thinking and then he whispered to me, “Tank you, Mommy.
“Why sweetie? Thanks for what?”
“The sky. Tank you for the sky.”
So many of us spend our lives chasing something, rather than just being - just enjoying what we have.
If I’m not destined to meet the man of my dreams than so be it. I have to come to terms with that gloriously morbid fact. Glorious in that my life could be destined for something entirely different.
We’ve been told, through movies and stories, what we should expect from our lives. But it’s just not logical. Fairytales do come true but they’re not always what we expect. As long as we each find out destinies and let our heart guide us to follow the path we’re meant to follow - then all will be well.
Food for thought. Time to go cuddle up next to my prince (I let him sleep in my bed tonight).
Do you agree? Or have I temporarily lost my mind?
And don’t get me wrong - I can’t go my entire life without the love of a man… have to have that. But maybe there will be different men, each there during different stages of my life. Why just one? Especially when I already have one who needs all of me, 100% of the time
[Photo Credit: Audrey's Swing (awesome poem about this very thing)]
Filed under: Dating Single Moms, Dating, sex and love, Falling in Love, Toddlerisms, single mom
Wow- that brought tears to my eyes. I am completely in love with my 11 month old son, and I understood everything you said.
We’re so lucky! I love being his mom more than anything- only other moms can understand..
Hey girl. Congrats on your new site. You are official! Its so exciting to watch you represent for all the single mamas out there. I’m wicked proud. Happy Christening.
Thank you for that. I had tears too. It’s just what I needed to start my day. I completely agree. It’s amazing to have this one little soul mate who really does complete me. It’s OK to maybe not get married and be love for 30 years. I really think having different men along the way sounds good.
Man, kids are heartbreakingly perfect and yours was loved into existence by a great mom. Pretty cute, thanking you for the sky.
Did you know that Michael Phelps was raised just by his mom? Single moms…raisin’ Olympians!
I tryed for 4 years to bring my soul mate into this world.
No you have not lost your mind, your a mommy!
“If I’m not destined to meet the man of my dreams than so be it. I have to come to terms with that gloriously morbid fact.”
Why do you have to come to terms with that? Isn’t that giving up, losing hope? I know, as you consistently express, that as single Moms we don’t need a boyfriend/husband….but they sure can make life more enjoyable. Just imagine having the same sort of heart-bursting-with-love kind of moment with a man, a boyfriend, a husband. Just because we’ve been blessed with our wonderful children, doesn’t mean that is all we’ll be allowed to have. I have to stay hopeful, optimistic and positive. I want another soul mate, not only despite my son fitting that role pretty well, but maybe because of it. I know how it feels to be completely connected with him, and I’d like to have that on an adult level.
O.M.G!!!! You had me crying here!!! “Tank you for the sky”?!?! Are you freakin’ kidding me?! Did you not fall to your knees in complete awe from his pure innocence?!! I love that little boy!! And he’s not even mine!!!
Someone told me once that in life, we will have a man we fall in love with, a man to raise children with and a man to grow old with. I don’t know what all that means but I do know that as we grow, our partners will either grow with us or not. Maybe we do need different people along the different steps we take in life.
I always like to think that one person leads us and prepares us for the next person we will meet. Along the way, you love that person as best as you can and though you will mourn, you let them go with love as well. They have served their purpose in your life.
I believe that there are many soul mates in our lives. They come exactly when we need them. We may not always feel like we need or want them but they are helping us to grow into exactly who we’re supposed to be.
Beautiful post about Benjamin. As usual. Give him extra hugs from me too!
Debra:
You make such a great point.
I am optimistic though. Hence the gloriously morbid. Some see it as morbid - even I do at times - but it’s a glorious realization. I just can’t spend my life pining for something that fate may not have in store.
I would LOVE to have the kind of marriage my parents had - but if it’s not in my cards… then so be it.
But I do have to be open to it.
Guess this goes back to my baggage. Might want to work on that. Hence me asking you all if I’m crazy. Perhaps I do need a therapy couch. Hmmm…. but really, I just want to be okay with the fact that my destiny may be different than the next person’s. I think if we’re all open to the possibility that we may not find someone - that we’ll find something very, very rewarding… inner peace.
Let’s keep talking about this. THANK YOU for your comment Debra - just the kind of thought I wanted to spark with this discussion.
And I’m sorry I made you all tear up at work again! Darn it. Really tried to throw in some funnies there too. But yes, that sky comment. He is to die for isn’t he? Can’t believe he said that myself.
awww I loved this post! Tears in my eyes at Benjamin’s “thank you for the sky” : )
I totally agree with you on the soulmate thing. I never ever thought I would have kids. At 30 something all of a sudden my whole life changed in a flash. I became an instant Mom to my beautiful niece a month after she was born (long story!) Being a Mom has been challenging, wonderful, and more fulfilling than I ever would have imagined.
I really do think soulmates come in many forms. Our kids. Our friends, And yes sometimes relationships too. After all being a soul mate is all about celebrating the people who feed our souls and make us feel good just about being…
Ok, so many of you will write me off immediately because I’m a guy and thus can never understand the bond between a mom and their child… I’ve heard it all before. However hear me out.
There has been various studies done on the affects on both children and adults when “parent becomes peer”. In other words, you are relying on your children to provide the emotional needs that you have as an adult. It’s a dangerous precedent and not really fair to the child. There are intergenerational boundaries that need to be maintained.
That parent/child relationship may seem fulfilling right now but what happens when the child grows up and moves out? Who meets those needs then? How willing are you going to be to cut the apron strings when the time comes? If you’ve spent 18 years of their life bonding emotionally with your child as you would a “mate”, imagine the complexity that will manifest when the time comes for your child to go to college.
Adults have very complex emotional needs that can’t and shouldn’t be fulfilled solely by their children.
My son was 18 months old when my wife and I split (she cheated on me before anyone makes any conclusions about me) and he is almost 8 years old now. His mom relies heavily on him for emotional support and I see now some of the effects that it is having on both her and him.
Just something to think about and look into further.
Laura - I really want to hear your story… wow. Hats off to you! And so glad you’re here.
Devil’s Advocate - everyone read his comment very, very carefully. The man has an excellent point. We can not, under any circumstances expect our children to fulfill our adult emotional needs.
I think that is worthy of post all to its own. Such a tough one. Because, I would argue, it’s probably harder for single parents to keep that separation in check. Right?
Sigh. No easy answers, as always.
devil’s advocate - it doesn’t matter to me if you’re a male or a female, but for the record there is a BIG difference between loving a child and leaning on a child for emotional support. Healthy parents do not expect their emotional needs to be met by a child. That’s what friends, family and yes relationships are for.
Laura: I’m not saying you can’t love a child with all your heart but when you start to think of them in terms of a “soul mate” you start to walk a very slippery slope.
Ms. Single Mama is right, it is extremely hard to keep that separation in check. Believe me I felt the same way when my ex left me… I felt we were abandoned and we could only really rely on each other.
I’m extremely happy that Franklin County, OH requires divorcing single parents to go through parenting seminars. They are a voice of reason in a very complicated time. I refer back to advice they gave to this very day.
And this is the morbid part of the glorious.
I love this blog - it was almost poetic. And I am not relying on my child for emotional support… but I am in love with my thirteen year old son. My love for my son is just as great as it is for my daughter - but in a different way. I am intrigued by his incredible genius and when you wait for it… wait for it…. he will open up and share his imagination like no other person I have ever met. I know there will come a day he will find his “soul mate” but until then I am going to enjoy the moments with him…. and my daughter…. to the best of my ability.
As the parent of an extremely emphathetic and sensitive 7yr old son, I have to be very careful that he never feel that I rely on him for my hapiness. That would be an unfair, unreasonable and irresponsible expectation of a child. As Benjamin gets older, you’ll have to become cautious with this. These are little men, they feel responsible for making sure the people they love are happy. I won’t share sadness about being lonely, frustration with not getting enough parenting help, or even work related stress with him because it is not for him to have to worry about. I think you’re right MSM, it is particulary difficult for a single parent to keep that separation when there is no one else to rely on.
I don’t think that we should rely on anyone else, be it our children, significant other, family, or friends for our happiness. That is something that has to come from within by being a whole person. Yes, to me right now, mommy is my most important role, but I don’t let that keep me from being an employee, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, girlfriend. Those are all facets of who I am. I am not quite sure if I even believe in the concept of soul mates per say, but I know that I will always have a bond to my son and a love fiercer than any other one I have known. I also believe that people come into our lives for a reasons, so MSM you may not end up with someone right now or even a few years from now that you will be with 30 years from now, but they may be the right person for your life in that moment in time. But no one will ever compare to Benjamin. That is just a given.
My heart just melted at the “Tank you for the sky.”
I really like what devil’s advocate had to say, and I completely agree. I think about that point often in my relationship with my daughter. It IS hard to keep that seperation in check.
How cute that he is thanking you for the sky!
Don’t give up on meeting the right person. I was ready to give up and my mom told me to be patient…funny thing about that is my last name is now Patience…not kidding! I met my guy in Wal-mart, but you knew that already, and it happened when I wasn’t looking. Be patient, he’ll come to you.
I know it Heather… I’ve been thinking about it all day. Hoping I don’t turn into a mom completely dumping my adult stuff on my son.
It is harder as single moms because we can’t leave them with someone when we need to go cry in a corner or … well, if we’re just too damn grumpy because of something that happened at work. So our children see more than they should. I think being aware of it is half of the battle though.
And yes, Katie… I agree with you in that soul mates could be different people at different times in your life. I do believe that… and like my friend said in this post - her mother didn’t meet her step-father until she was 46.
Debra - really good advice… this is not going to be easy. So how do you keep your emotions hidden from them when you’ve had a bad day? I guess you just have to let it go… not worth it.
I loved this post! It also made me tear up! Loved reading the comments as well. Everyone is so insightful!
It’s so funny, I have so many thoughts on this topic but I can’t put any into words at the moment! Perhaps I’ll sleep on it and blog a little bit about it tomorrow!
MSM. I don’t think that you necessairly have to hide it from them when you have a bad day, we all have horrible no good rotten days (isn’t that the name of that children’s book), but you don’t make him the one who is dependent to make you happy. But I think it is good for children to see that it is okay to cry or be upset sometimes, just like other times you are going to be happy and giggly. After all, that is what makes us human. It just when they ask for an explaination about why you are sad, that is what stumps me, because I look at that innocent little face and I realize, hey I still have him and we are both relatively healthy, have friends and family who love and support us, etc. and then mommy isn’t nearly as sad. Lol.
Katie nailed it, that is exactly how you hide the feelings you don’t want to expose your children to; you put those feelings aside and embrace the feelings of being with your child. Getting on the floor to play HotWheels or Monopoly, dropping water balloons on him in the shower, reading silly books and singing bedtime songs, it’s just all about our together time. By the time he is asleep, if those other feelings of stress, anxiety and lonliness haven’t been completely drowned out (which often, they have been) then I can go back to them and think through them on my own. I guess I’ve learned to compartmentalize feelings so I can take them out later when I can better think through them.
I think Katie nailed it too. You shouldn’t hide your feelings or emotions from your kids… that’s impossible. We just can’t rely on only our children to make us happy.
I think this kinda strays from the initial point though. Kid’s (especially small ones) love us unconditionally. Who doesn’t *crave* that kind of relationship? Kid’s also make us feel needed. Who doesn’t want that feeling of being needed?
These are the feelings that I think are the easiest traps to fall into. It is entirely too easy to think, “I don’t need a significant other” when your emotional needs of being loved unconditionally and being needed are being met already by our child or children. Personally I think it’s healthy to have those feelings from a significant other -and- our children. I don’t think one should be replaced by the other.
As always, just my 2 cents.
And when I say Benjamin is my soul mate … I mean that he is one of many who may come into my life. And being single at this age (29) or any other age for that matter and having a child (in my eyes) is far better than being single and not having a child. It is such a rewarding experience. I just can’t imagine not having him in my life…
And as far as replacing adult needs through him - your points DA are very good ones. I like to think my heart and mind have room for another adult soul mate… just not sure when he is going to show up.
Thanks again for your comments. I love where this post has taken us.
Different partners for different stages in life. Margaret Mead was married three times. Her first marriage, she referred to as “my student marriage”- also maybe can be called training marriage. Her subsequent marriages fitting to the life stages she was in- professional development, being a mother. Kinda makes sense
“The sky. Tank you for the sky.”
Awww! My heart just melted! So sweet.
Glad to see the discussion going toward leaning on kids too much. I can see how that would be easy to do and I’ve seen people do it. (Although nothing in this post made me think that of you Ms. SM.) It’s so important for us to be aware of this, as single parents, because we do get lonely. I hope, by keeping that in mind, I will not do that to my child, no matter how easy it is.
D - is there a good biography on Mead? Have to go hunting now …
Jenn - THNAK YOU.
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