However, I do tend to think that people who are desperate for intimacy after a relationship simply haven’t spent enough time getting to know themselves, and/or they’re buying into society’s perception that single people are somehow lacking or defective … whereas my perception is that putting a lot of emotional energy into a dead end is defective.

I craved intimacy for so long during the final part of my marriage. I was desperate to feel it again after we split. I did try the friends with benefits thing too and realized I was falling for my friend. I nearly lost the friendship in the meantime.

It wasn’t until I realized that I was trying to force a relationship to appear in my life, when I decided that I just needed to focus on myself and my children, when I decided to enjoy being single, that’s when my soldier appeared in my life. I did fall hard and fast and then he was deployed.

I’ve spent this entire deployment learning more about myself. I’m still learning! I’ve always said the best way to learn WHO YOU ARE is in relation with someone else. So, my someone else is 6000 miles away. I am learning to be independent and enjoy that feeling of wanting someone in my life instead of needing someone in my life. Maybe that’s what that first year post-marriage is all about?

Thanks again, MSM for your wonderful insights!

I did ALL of this – I actually launched into a year long r/ship the day after I left my ex! It was STUPID and I hurt him! But your friend was right – it took me a year to heal and be ready! LOL the problem is now I am ready but noone else is!

When my daughter was about 3 1/2 months old, I met someone. We dated for about two years, and just broke up about a month ago.

We had quite a lot of ups and downs during that timeframe, some of which was his stuff…but I’m sure lots of which was, perhaps, because I really wasn’t ready to plunge into a big relationship at that point.

Now, a month since the breakup…I can honestly tell you that I’ve not felt happier with MYSELF and my parenting and my life in general in a long time, probably in forever. I think I’ve just gone from guy to guy to guy for so long. This is really the first time I’ve got the time and energy to, well, just love me for a while. And my daughter, of course. I’ve never felt more enthusiastic about the future, which is funny since it really is so up in the air.

I guess my point is…I’ve done the whole racing off to find the one who’s going to save me thing, and what I’m finding is that, for me, doing the opposite is actually what’s saving me!

And I’m thinking more and more that, when the right guy does come along…I’m really going to be ready!

And yes, I should have made this more apparent in my post – you absolutely CAN date. I did and had a lot of fun. BUT, I also had a really, really hard time because I thought I wanted a relationship so badly … but in reality, I wasn’t ready.

Honesty is the best. But first you have to be able to be honest with yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. This has to come before you can have a successful relationship. Does that make sense?

You can date. But … at your own risk because you might also get hurt. If you come across a great guy, like you did New England, then you can enjoy it and relax.

So yes, no hard and fast rules at all.