Dating as a single mom is hard to describe to anyone other than my fellow single parents. Hence this blog and my slew of single mom and dad friends. Without them and without you, I’d be lost.
So here’s another dating tip from me to you … I think if you start practicing this immediately your love life will improve.
But first … some background on how I discovered the power of dating karma – back in my wild single days I wouldn’t think twice about blowing a guy off. Never calling him back or being dishonest with him about my intentions seemed like part of the game. “All is fair in love and war,” I used to say.
I had been hurt and so I would hurt back. It seemed fair. But now I see clearly that I was a coward on many levels. I didn’t have the courage or the maturity to tell men the truth. To this day I regret the pain that my dishonesty must have caused. Because each of those men probably went out and did the same thing to a woman they were dating.
I call it dating karma.
If you are dishonest with someone, cheat on someone or lie to them – pick your poison – it eventually comes full circle.
After my divorce I realized that I had a clean dating slate – a new beginning to set my dating karma right. Every single one of my dates or relationships since has ended with complete honesty. It’s not easy, believe me, there’s nothing harder than looking at someone in the face and saying point blank: I can’t be with you anymore because of [enter reason here].
But finding the courage to tell someone the truth helps them to grow and it helps you grow as you discover what kind of man you really want to be with. And if dating karma is on your side – you’ll have more dates and more calls. It’s a win-win.
I told Julie about my theory…and she shook her head in agreement. When the Architect never called her back she said, “It was that E-Harmony guy! I never called him back!”
Yep. It was that E-Harmony guy. Seriously. Dating karma people – don’t abuse it. Be honest with each other always. Us singles are all in this together – so play nice!
P.S. Should I call the Architect back to keep my dating karma safe? I’ll explain everything as best as I can, “Ummm… hey, buddy you didn’t get the hint but I’m not interested but you’d be a great friend.” Or should I let it ride? Hmmmm…. maybe he deserves a shrug because he never called her back.
What do you think? Should I call him?
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I like your way of thinking! I truly believe upon personal responsability and the capacity to change or destiny. And that doesn´t just HAPPEN. We, each one of us, have to do something. I´ve started in Argentina an endeavor realted to clean,a rmonious separating/divorce. And completely agree with yor responsible/honest attitude.
I think calling someone back to clean your own messy slate is based in selfishness. Hence, perpetuating the bad karma. It couldn’t do any good for them. Only for you. Let the past be the past and move forward in honesty. The Universe will appreciate it.
Then again, what do I know? *shrug*
Teri – But when you just leave someone hanging and never, ever call them back when they’ve never wronged you – that to me, is just cowardly.
It’s always better to be honest don’t you think? It’s sooo hard to hear but for me in the past, when a guy doesn’t ever call me back I feel hurt and offended. In my experience every time I’ve called a guy or e-mailed him if I didn’t want a second date they’ve reacted positively and thanked me for my honesty. It lets them move on.
I agree with your thinking Ms. Single Mama. You are putting yourself in their place. i think you should be honest with The Architect. Don’t leave him hanging.
Hmmm, interesting. I think there’s a bit of a difference between lying to someone, and just kind of dropping the situation. Lying is never good. But I actually think that sometimes dropping the ball can be kinder than up front saying “Hey, I’m not interested.” The “just friends” thing never works, and it’s actually more of a slap in the face, IMO, than a simple “I don’t think we have potential,” because it feels (at least to me, and to many guys I know) manipulative … sort of a “have cake and eat it” scenario.
I guess I kind of feel that as adults, we should figure out that if someone doesn’t call, he or she isn’t interested. Simple as that. If they’re playing some kind of weird “I call after five days” game, then they’re game players, and who needs that? If a woman doesn’t return my call or email after an initial date, I take the hint. I think most adults are capable of doing the same. And honestly, I’d rather take the hint myself than have it forcibly given to me.
Indeed, I do think it’s terrible to just leave someone hanging. I’m just saying that to try to go back and tell him, “Oh I’m sorry I did that,” would serve no purpose but to make you feel better. I am assuming it did not devastate him and he moved on. If that little thing made a difference in his life, I’d be seriously concerned about his mental and emotional health! Funny thing is, when people go back and say to those they’ve offended, they often say, “What the hell? I don’t even remember that! Jeez! How egotistical are you that you think I’ve been consumed with the likes of you?”
So, in this situation, you could only make him feel worse (for a number of reasons) and you feel better (karma debt paid).
My understanding of karma is that it rewards selflessness. This, to me, is not a selfless act you are pondering.
I went back and re-read your post and I think I may be confused about this. Is this a current guy you are avoiding? If it is, of course you should just tell him. I may have thought you meant someone from the past. There were sort of two stories implied? Perhaps those who are not new on the scene knew what you meant. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
Teri – I just re-read this post – and then edited the heck out of it. Hope it makes more sense now. I’m sorry about that….crazy weekend.
David … yes, we can all take hints but sometimes a call is appropriate if the other person gets their hopes up … and I never say I just want to be friends, I always give them a solid reason (if I can).
UPDATE too … I did call him and explain. He still wants to hang out but I don’t think I will, only if Julie is around.
I have been dating a man for 6 months, everything was going so good…up till last night, I noticed he is real nice to my 7 year old daughter and not so nice to my 4 year old son.
My 7 year old came up and gave him a hug, he hugged her back…right after my son came up and “tried” giving him a hug he pulled away and made an aggravated grumble at him…so I made the statement “he just wanted a hug”
Wow he started raising his voice at me in deffence, I told him I would be more than happy to talk about this outside, not in front of my kids…Then things just got worse, it upset me and the kids.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
oops I just posted on the wrong blog…I’m new.:)