My Disclaimer & My Apologies.

by mssinglemama on June 12, 2008

I bought a ticket to Denmark.

I know what you’re thinking. She’s lost her mind! She’s wrapped up in a torrid love affair with the Dane!

My little brother called me when he found out, “Alaina? You’re flying to Denmark? So you’re really serious with this guy, huh?”

There was an obvious hint of concern in his voice, rightly so. I have a reputation for “losing it” over men. I did marry Benjamin’s father just because he needed a Green Card, we were in love – hence the child – but still, it was “crazy.” I did have a tendency to go crazy over men, but now as a single mom, falling in love just isn’t the same. And I’m not falling in love with Thomas…I can’t! He lives an ocean away… but I can visit him. Besides, it’s been years since I’ve had the chance to go to Europe.

So here’s the skinny on the Dane and why he’s worthy of a visit.

Aside from my friend Mia and her daughter Sydney (who calls herself Benjamin’s sister) we have no one in our lives on a regular basis. I have quite a few amazing friends and a very supportive mother, but when it comes to the daily grind – Benjamin and I are completely alone.

Thomas and I had reconnected through Facebook recently and when he told me he was coming through to visit our college town – where we’d met and dated 8 years ago – I offered up my guest bedroom and my services as hostess.

I remembered Thomas as being completely open, honest, fun and of course, incredibly attractive … but how would he handle five days with a single mom and her two year old? I was a bit nervous as his arrival loomed. Personally, I think Benjamin and I are a blast, but not all men see it that way. What if it would be awkward? What if he didn’t like kids?

But it wasn’t awkward at all. It was amazing.

  • He immediately bonded with Benjamin, the two loved each other
  • He woke up with Benjamin every morning he was here, giving me a chance to sleep in! A miracle!
  • He ran grocery errands.
  • Cooked dinner for me (the first time a man’s made me dinner in oh – at least two years).
  • I had mentioned that I loved European chocolates, so he found some and surprised me with them later.
  • He gave me compliments – lots of compliments.
  • He asked me questions and waited for the answers
  • And above all, he understood that Benjamin comes first.

These weren’t cheesy attempts at winning my heart, they were just natural gestures of affection and consideration. I didn’t have to ask him for help – he just did it.

So for five days, Benjamin and his mommy were spoiled rotten.

There’s this little thing about being a single mom though – after you get used to doing it all on your own 99.9% of the time, help can be a mixed blessing. Once it’s gone, you have to adapt all over again. Fortunately, in this case, the spoilage only lasted five days. Keep in mind, the guy was trapped with us, all of my ex-boyfriends have had limited face time with Benjamin, which meant limited chances for me to “get used to help.” I do this for a few reasons, the first to protect Benjamin and the second to protect myself. But in the case of a house guest – what are you going to do? Hide him in the closet?

The night Thomas left Benjamin and I were cleaning the car. The traces of our marvelous weekend were tucked in pockets and under the car seats. The New York Times from the bookstore, Benjamin’s soccer ball we’d brought on our hike and the sunscreen lotion from the music festival.

Then, with my hands clutching memories that I knew would fade too quickly, the tears started to fall. He was just so fantastic, such great company and such a supportive friend. And there we were – my little Benjamin and I – completely alone again.

And now you know why it took me so long to write about all of this.

Thomas reminded me that truly compassionate, considerate and affectionate men do exist. And there was romance – but it the kind of romance two people have when there is a profound and mutual respect for each other, not a ripping each other’s clothes off romance. Like Kate Hudson (my hero single mom) has said, “When you’re a single mom, dating becomes very adult.”

You didn’t think this single mama would give up her fabulous singleness that easily, did you? Now, if Thomas lived in my zip code – might be a different story.

P.S. My trip to Copenhagen, Denmark will be in late August, and you can expect live reports…can’t wait!!!

UPDATE: A few days after writing this post, Thomas wrote about the experience through his eyes, read it here.

[Photo Credit: Kwintessential.co.uk]

I bought a ticket to Denmark.

I know what you’re thinking. She’s lost her mind! She’s wrapped up in a torrid love affair with the Dane!

My little brother called me when he found out, “Alaina? You’re flying to Denmark? So you’re really serious with this guy, huh?”

There was an obvious hint of concern in his voice, rightly so. I have a reputation for “losing it” over men. I did marry Benjamin’s father just because he needed a Green Card, we were in love – hence the child – but still, it was “crazy.” I did have a tendency to go crazy over men, but now as a single mom, falling in love just isn’t the same. And I’m not falling in love with Thomas…I can’t! He lives an ocean away… but I can visit him. Besides, it’s been years since I’ve had the chance to go to Europe.

So here’s the skinny on the Dane and why he’s worthy of a visit.

Aside from my friend Mia and her daughter Sydney (who calls herself Benjamin’s sister) we have no one in our lives on a regular basis. I have quite a few amazing friends and a very supportive mother, but when it comes to the daily grind – Benjamin and I are completely alone.

Thomas and I had reconnected through Facebook recently and when he told me he was coming through to visit our college town – where we’d met and dated 8 years ago – I offered up my guest bedroom and my services as hostess.

I remembered Thomas as being completely open, honest, fun and of course, incredibly attractive … but how would he handle five days with a single mom and her two year old? I was a bit nervous as his arrival loomed. Personally, I think Benjamin and I are a blast, but not all men see it that way. What if it would be awkward? What if he didn’t like kids?

But it wasn’t awkward at all. It was amazing.

  • He immediately bonded with Benjamin, the two loved each other
  • He woke up with Benjamin every morning he was here, giving me a chance to sleep in! A miracle!
  • He ran grocery errands.
  • Cooked dinner for me (the first time a man’s made me dinner in oh – at least two years).
  • I had mentioned that I loved European chocolates, so he found some and surprised me with them later.
  • He gave me compliments – lots of compliments.
  • He asked me questions and waited for the answers
  • And above all, he understood that Benjamin comes first.

These weren’t cheesy attempts at winning my heart, they were just natural gestures of affection and consideration. I didn’t have to ask him for help – he just did it.

So for five days, Benjamin and his mommy were spoiled rotten.

There’s this little thing about being a single mom though – after you get used to doing it all on your own 99.9% of the time, help can be a mixed blessing. Once it’s gone, you have to adapt all over again. Fortunately, in this case, the spoilage only lasted five days. Keep in mind, the guy was trapped with us, all of my ex-boyfriends have had limited face time with Benjamin, which meant limited chances for me to “get used to help.” I do this for a few reasons, the first to protect Benjamin and the second to protect myself. But in the case of a house guest – what are you going to do? Hide him in the closet?

The night Thomas left Benjamin and I were cleaning the car. The traces of our marvelous weekend were tucked in pockets and under the car seats. The New York Times from the bookstore, Benjamin’s soccer ball we’d brought on our hike and the sunscreen lotion from the music festival.

Then, with my hands clutching memories that I knew would fade too quickly, the tears started to fall. He was just so fantastic, such great company and such a supportive friend. And there we were – my little Benjamin and I – completely alone again.

And now you know why it took me so long to write about all of this.

Thomas reminded me that truly compassionate, considerate and affectionate men do exist. And there was romance – but it the kind of romance two people have when there is a profound and mutual respect for each other, not a ripping each other’s clothes off romance. Like Kate Hudson (my hero single mom) has said, “When you’re a single mom, dating becomes very adult.”

You didn’t think this single mama would give up her fabulous singleness that easily, did you? Now, if Thomas lived in my zip code – might be a different story.

P.S. My trip to Copenhagen, Denmark will be in late August, and you can expect live reports…can’t wait!!!

UPDATE: A few days after writing this post, Thomas wrote about the experience through his eyes, read it here.

[Photo Credit: Kwintessential.co.uk]

I bought a ticket to Denmark.

I know what you’re thinking. She’s lost her mind! She’s wrapped up in a torrid love affair with the Dane!

My little brother called me when he found out, “Alaina? You’re flying to Denmark? So you’re really serious with this guy, huh?”

There was an obvious hint of concern in his voice, rightly so. I have a reputation for “losing it” over men. I did marry Benjamin’s father just because he needed a Green Card, we were in love – hence the child – but still, it was “crazy.” I did have a tendency to go crazy over men, but now as a single mom, falling in love just isn’t the same. And I’m not falling in love with Thomas…I can’t! He lives an ocean away… but I can visit him. Besides, it’s been years since I’ve had the chance to go to Europe.

So here’s the skinny on the Dane and why he’s worthy of a visit.

Aside from my friend Mia and her daughter Sydney (who calls herself Benjamin’s sister) we have no one in our lives on a regular basis. I have quite a few amazing friends and a very supportive mother, but when it comes to the daily grind – Benjamin and I are completely alone.

Thomas and I had reconnected through Facebook recently and when he told me he was coming through to visit our college town – where we’d met and dated 8 years ago – I offered up my guest bedroom and my services as hostess.

I remembered Thomas as being completely open, honest, fun and of course, incredibly attractive … but how would he handle five days with a single mom and her two year old? I was a bit nervous as his arrival loomed. Personally, I think Benjamin and I are a blast, but not all men see it that way. What if it would be awkward? What if he didn’t like kids?

But it wasn’t awkward at all. It was amazing.

  • He immediately bonded with Benjamin, the two loved each other
  • He woke up with Benjamin every morning he was here, giving me a chance to sleep in! A miracle!
  • He ran grocery errands.
  • Cooked dinner for me (the first time a man’s made me dinner in oh – at least two years).
  • I had mentioned that I loved European chocolates, so he found some and surprised me with them later.
  • He gave me compliments – lots of compliments.
  • He asked me questions and waited for the answers
  • And above all, he understood that Benjamin comes first.

These weren’t cheesy attempts at winning my heart, they were just natural gestures of affection and consideration. I didn’t have to ask him for help – he just did it.

So for five days, Benjamin and his mommy were spoiled rotten.

There’s this little thing about being a single mom though – after you get used to doing it all on your own 99.9% of the time, help can be a mixed blessing. Once it’s gone, you have to adapt all over again. Fortunately, in this case, the spoilage only lasted five days. Keep in mind, the guy was trapped with us, all of my ex-boyfriends have had limited face time with Benjamin, which meant limited chances for me to “get used to help.” I do this for a few reasons, the first to protect Benjamin and the second to protect myself. But in the case of a house guest – what are you going to do? Hide him in the closet?

The night Thomas left Benjamin and I were cleaning the car. The traces of our marvelous weekend were tucked in pockets and under the car seats. The New York Times from the bookstore, Benjamin’s soccer ball we’d brought on our hike and the sunscreen lotion from the music festival.

Then, with my hands clutching memories that I knew would fade too quickly, the tears started to fall. He was just so fantastic, such great company and such a supportive friend. And there we were – my little Benjamin and I – completely alone again.

And now you know why it took me so long to write about all of this.

Thomas reminded me that truly compassionate, considerate and affectionate men do exist. And there was romance – but it the kind of romance two people have when there is a profound and mutual respect for each other, not a ripping each other’s clothes off romance. Like Kate Hudson (my hero single mom) has said, “When you’re a single mom, dating becomes very adult.”

You didn’t think this single mama would give up her fabulous singleness that easily, did you? Now, if Thomas lived in my zip code – might be a different story.

P.S. My trip to Copenhagen, Denmark will be in late August, and you can expect live reports…can’t wait!!!

UPDATE: A few days after writing this post, Thomas wrote about the experience through his eyes, read it here.

[Photo Credit: Kwintessential.co.uk]
So this single parent thing … it just gets harder doesn’t it?

I’ve been put in my place lately by those single parents out there who have been at it far longer than I have. Tisk, tisk, you young newbie. You think you don’t need a husband? What about intimacy? Oh yeah – that. Well, he does have a point.

You’re not allowed to criticize the personal choice of another single parent with a word like “puke”, that’s juvenile. Yeah, okay, right again and point taken. Shame on me. I could go on.

I want to take a minute to try to explain something, to try to explain where I’m coming from because this blog is now – I think – bigger than I ever expected it would be. Somehow I’ve become the strong “opinionated” one of our little corner of the single parent blogosphere (there are more corners I’m sure we have yet to discover).

I’m not trying to be a matriarch of our “cause.” Do we even have time for a cause?

I’m just a girl spewing my thoughts – not to the internet – but to you. You’re not all walking cyborgs, you are people and you’re reading this stuff and lately that’s been scaring me. What if I don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about? As some of you have been very quick to point out.

I’m single and because I have a child that makes me a single parent, but I’m not an expert. I do know a few things for certain. The first is that Benjamin is my everything…a living and breathing piece of my soul. The second is that being a single parent is one of the hardest things I’ve ever, ever done. So yes, it does define me in a way. Single parenthood can be all-consuming. We are on our own – financially and emotionally. And you may or may not know this but I am really alone.

I don’t have a mom and dad right down the street. I don’t have a brother popping by every week to check on us. Benjamin’s father has him for 36 hours a week, never any more than that. Outside of my co-workers, I don’t have any adults in my life on a daily basis. So from time to time, I go a little crazy. It goes with the territory.

I’m not sure where this is going. I just wanted to apologize for offending any (or all) of you as of late. Please keep in mind – the thoughts you read here are just that – thoughts and they are my own. I might sound like an authority on the subject of single parent dating, but I’m not.

I’m just a walking and living experiment – learning, like the rest of us, as I go. You’re invited to follow along, but please, don’t ever take anything I say too seriously. This is my hobby, my outlet and my refuge. I don’t want it to turn into an ugly mosh pit. And I am truly sorry for egging that mosh pit on sometimes – but some of you really piss me off (and that, is a good thing – keeps me on my toes).

{ 2 trackbacks }

On fake wedding rings. « Ms. Single Mama
June 13, 2008 at 8:17 am
Do You Let Your Kids Know You’re Getting Nooky? | Honey and Lance
June 18, 2008 at 9:37 pm

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

debra June 12, 2008 at 8:54 am

MSM…as you point out, it is your hobby, your outlet and your refuge. You have chosen to share it with us, for whatever reason, and in doing so, have made a lot of people feel a little less like they are the only people struggling with the daily issues that face us as single parents. You’re contributing something to a lot of people….thank you. You’re entitled to your opinions, your convictions and passions, and shame on some of the people here for attacking you for expressing them. We are all judged enough, by the perfect families we have to interact with every day, by the schools that aren’t able to keep the perspective of a child being raised in a single parent household, or in two households in mind when planning Family Tree projects that single out families that are different. This should be a place where, even when someone has a different point of view, no one should be disrespectful. I don’t agree with everything you say, but I appreciate the insight you provide into another perspective on issues I face every day and respect that you hold your own and stick to your convictions.
Be well MSM!

Reply

Leobardo February 4, 2015 at 10:28 am

do your normal guy stuff. foregt about chicks. after you dont want them anymore, they’ll start wanting you. and honestly, i dont think chicks care that much about looks. i always see super hot chicks with the ugliest guys ever. idk chicks are weird.

Reply

T June 12, 2008 at 10:44 am

Go girl. It is your blog, after all. You should feel the right to express whatever opinion you want. Vent away!

Reply

QTMama June 12, 2008 at 12:25 pm

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

*hugs, cuz I love you MSM.*

Reply

Sparkling Mama June 12, 2008 at 12:34 pm

Don’t apologize for yourself. You are entitled to your own opinions. If someone doesn’t like the way you live your life they don’t need to read about it!

I find your honesty and confidence as a single mom to be very refreshing and I admire your strength as a single mom!

Reply

dadshouse June 12, 2008 at 1:11 pm

MsSingleMama, I’m a big fan and have been a long time. And I’m one of the people you are “pissed” at. My intimacy post was my post, it had nothing to do with you. It was a reaction to your sharing statistics that single women are fine without men. Well, as a man, I’m not fine without women. I admitted that on my blog yesterday, and a lot of single parents concurred.

As for judgements, I think there were several blogs on fire yesterday, not just yours, and judgements were flying from all corners, not just at you or from you. When fires spread, things get ugly.

Reply

CJ June 12, 2008 at 1:25 pm

As a fellow single mom, I enjoy reading your blog because I like hearing about your experience and your perspective. Just know that when you start speaking for other people (single moms shouldn’t wear wedding rings to work, single moms can do it all and don’t need husbands) some of those people might start talking back. A loaded topic will generate some loaded comments! And thanks for revealing a little bit more about yourself in this post. It helps me understand where you are coming from. And understanding each other is kind of the point of this whole thing, isn’t it? Keep it up!

Reply

shannon June 12, 2008 at 3:02 pm

I love that you speak your mind and have not doubted for a moment that Benjamin is your everything. And in general I am in passionate agreement with you.

Reply

Julie June 12, 2008 at 3:10 pm

You are very brave to share everything that you do in you blog! I think your blog is great. Don’t let others get you down, I know that’s easier said than done.

Reply

Leslie June 12, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Please don’t apologize for being you 😉 I love this blog as is!

Reply

Heiredal June 13, 2008 at 4:57 pm

I hope you don’t give a rats … to what a few people think. As is obvious from these replies and most other replies you receive on this blog: YOU ROCK!!!

Thanks for your thoughts. They are really great, good fun to read and helpful … and I am not even a parent!!!

Reply

Valerie June 13, 2008 at 10:20 pm

You have helped me and many others by posting your experiences , thoughts, and feelings online. Please don’t censer yourself because you don’t want to create conflict. Your posts are thought provoking and we can relate to you. That is why people have strong opinions about what you write.

Reply

mssinglemama June 13, 2008 at 10:39 pm

Thanks so much you guys … you’re all right. I won’t censor myself, ever. I just want everyone to know that I am not an expert, you know? But I’m definitely opinionated and I love you all for listening to my jibber jabber.

: )

XOXOXO

Reply

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