Want men to start falling from the sky?

by mssinglemama on June 1, 2008

Forget about them

Yep. To get a man’s attention you have to not want one. Funny how it works that way, but it’s true! When I started this blog I had decided to completely throw in the towel on dating. I would still date, but not actively pursue men any more, whether it be online or at a bar. I was just going to let it ride and forget about men.

The catalyst was a guy. Because of my desperation, I was blind to his true colors. And to top it off, he dumped me on my ass. It hurt and I was a mess. A mess! Over a guy I had only dated for three weeks! Thanks to candid advice from several friends I realized that I wanted men too much to successfully date any of them.

One month later, I met Kris. We had a very happy and relaxed relationship for six months. In the end we went our separate ways, but even our break up lacked much drama or heart ache. It’s because I wanted him in my life, I didn’t need him. There’s a big difference. And you’ll know what I mean when you feel it for yourself.

So here’s how to do it – how to become content with your singleness or more importantly how to become content with yourself.

1. Get a life, your own life.

Fill your days with activities or fun outings. Benjamin and I rarely spend more than two hours at a time in the house. Even on work days, I get home and then we’re off – to the book store, the library, the park, the coffee shop or a friend’s house. Once the kids are asleep, it’s you time. Find a hobby (for me it’s this blog) or read a great book. Try not to watch too much TV, it gives you distorted view of reality. Spend your “You” time on you … reading, writing, crafting, creating … give your brain some exercise.

2. Suck it up.

You’re a single mom. It’s not going to change any time soon. Even if you do meet a man, you should date him for at least a few years before you move in together, right? So, buckle down and suck it up. My trick? After the first year, I stopped daydreaming about help from a man. Like anything else, you eventually adapt to your new lifestyle – you get used to it. And then when you do meet a man, you won’t need him to save you – you’ll have your little ship running it’s course whether he’s there or not. Help from him will be a bonus, not an expectation.

3. Surround yourself with friends.

On average, Benjamin and I spend five nights out of the week visiting or hanging out with our friends. I don’t have any family in town, so my friends provide that support. If you don’t have many friends – get out there! Next time you meet a great mom or dad at the park, or at a festival – get their number, invite them over or make another date to meet in the park. If that doesn’t work – try MeetUp.com, a great website with local groups of parents (there are single parent MeetUps in most major cities).

4. Make an effort in your appearance.

I am such a girl. I always love looking cute – boyfriend or not. Use this time while you’re single to focus on you and your body. It’s all connected. On those afternoon outings, walk to your destination if you can. Drink lots and lots of water all day, every day. You’ll start glowing from the inside out. Fall in love with yourself again…it’s something most moms, single or not, have to actually focus on post-birth because it’s so easy to put yourself last.

5. Love thy self.

My major turning point – from desperation to single freedom – came when I wrote “Do I need therapy?” The post attracted comments from my personal angel, Tim Chard. Read it here. Bottom line: You need to love yourself first, even before your own children. If you don’t, you won’t be able to fully love the people in your life.

Why this is so incredibly important:

During that first year and into the second, the mini-relationships I had with men were doomed to fail because I wasn’t content on my own. I was desperate.

Add the child factor into the mix and things were quite a mess in my head. Thankfully Benjamin was a teeny tiny baby – I can’t imagine him having to watch me go through those emotional ups and downs now that he’s two. Being emotionally miserable is not fair to yourself or to your kids.

Now dating is an added bonus to my life. If a man falls out of the sky (and quite a few have), then great! If not, who cares. Either way, you can’t lose.

Does anyone else have any great tips on how to become content as a single mom? For those of you who are there – how did you get there? Did you have an ah-ha moment?

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

sparklingmama June 1, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Contentment as a single mom, for me, is an ongoing battle. Some days (or weeks) I feel like I have handle on things and life is good, then something comes out of the blue to throw me for a loop and I feel like I’m starting all over again.

You make great points. All of these things are key to being happy as a single mom.


Riya February 4, 2015 at 3:45 am

Did they’ve an adverse or pisitove relationship?Would be the Men and women and also the British exactly the same people?What did they consider the Indigenous Peoples as well as their culture?Did they form rapport?How did the British treat the Indigenous Peoples?


mssinglemama June 1, 2008 at 6:59 pm

I know … me too, ups and downs. But now, thankfully, my ups and downs aren’t because of men or the lack of men.


Lauren June 1, 2008 at 9:54 pm

I’m not even close to being content, but I see myself making a lot of progress (and it’s only been 2 months — it’ll take some time).

I got over wishing that I’d have some sort of fairytale ending with Alex, and I know I’m fine with or without him. I still think about how great it would be if I could find a man, but I know that desire will fade with some more time.

Thanks for the great points! I know I’ll be looking back at this post quite often to remind myself that there is a way to be content.


mssinglemama June 1, 2008 at 10:22 pm

Lauren – you are just two months in … and believe me, when I left my Ex, and Benjamin was just four months (Anna, Lauren’s daughter is 2 months old) it was MUCH harder. Something about having a newborn and being single that makes it seem impossible.

But, now that he’s older – that may be some of the reason why he is content. I should add that to the list … Benjamin definitely has a major hand in my happiness – now he talks to me, makes me laugh, tickles me … you know? Not that newborns aren’t amazing, but it is easier when they become little people with thoughts and feelings.


Valerie June 1, 2008 at 10:58 pm

Oh my gosh! I can so relate about being a single mother with a baby. My son was 6 months old when we broke up. He is almost a year now and I still feel so overwhelmed with work, taking care of a house, and baby (and cats and dogs that I had long before baby). It helps to know that it will get better when my son can talk and relate to me. It gets pretty lonely, but I don’t want a guy right now. It is nice to decide everything for myself and to have my house exactly how I want it with no guy stuff around. My ex argued with me about everything and wouldn’t help me with the baby or the house. I try to spend as much time as possible with friends, I try to suck it up, and I am taking this time to learn to love myself.


The Queen Chimes In June 1, 2008 at 10:58 pm

MSM- Great Post. Many good and very true tips in this one!
UGH! It is such an up & down world for us I think. Actually I think it is an up and down world for all Moms married or not. I think it is actually easier to lose yourself and put yourself last when there is a spouse/partner involved. Maybe because the partner is one more person in the line who needs something from you like the kids do. Especially if the partner is lacking in the giving along with getting department! Hence the reason to be choosey with our choices this time around. For us Single Mamas it is kind of vital because there is no one there to tell us we are okay or good enough and we HAVE to do this (like alot of other crap) for ourselves. I have been in an ah-ha transition pretty deep lately. This whole putting myself first thing is hard but one way I have been trying is by putting signs up around the house for myself. “You Are Beautiful” “I Love You” “You Are Great Just As You Are” it is all because no one else is around to tell me these things and I am so wrapped up in single momming that I have forgotten to tell them to myself. This has been an effective way to remember and I am feeling encouraged and motivated by the self love. Something I have needed for a while:)


lwayswright June 2, 2008 at 1:14 am

I was a single mom…and yes it was really hard and I was lonely. I dated a few guys, that I never introduced my kids to and I felt sort of not great about any of it. So, I began just relaxing and taking one day at a time…then I met my husband. It was a miracle and probably the best thing that has happened to me. don’t get me wrong, second marriage is difficult especially when there are kids involved…but it is true…when you least expect to find love that is when you find it…keep doin what your’e doing now!


Tonya June 2, 2008 at 11:06 am

Great post. And thanks for the intro to Tim Chard. I am adding his blog to my blog roll.

Really, if you think about it, if you do love yourself, the rest of these items fall into place, don’t they?

If you love yourself, you are more likely to send love out into your life ahead of you. When you do that, you attract more love. Like attracts like. Love attracts love.

There is always another way of looking at a situation. True, sometimes it seems like life is unfair or that things will never change. You have to relax into the situation you are currently in. You are there for a reason. Once you stop fighting it (what you resist, persists), then it can change into something else. I just wrote a blog post regarding this on Friday. It begins with this beautiful quote:

“Once you have started seeing the beauty of life, ugliness starts disappearing. If you start looking at life with joy, sadness starts disappearing. You cannot have heaven and hell together, you can have only one. It is your choice.”


Thank you for your blog. I love your insights!


ModernSingleMomma June 2, 2008 at 3:01 pm

I love this post, Alaina. I see a book deal coming on– becoming content with yourself is the first step to happiness all across the human board…single or not, parent or not. You are such an inspiration! Can iHeart sign you? =) We’ll be moving into the realm of publishing soon, nothing is outside the realm of possibility. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, strong, hip, sexy, loving and self-content single parents….is the Zeitgeist baby!


dadshouse June 2, 2008 at 7:24 pm

This is a fantastic post. The first tip – forget about them – is true in that you should focus on yourself, and Ms Single Mama outlines those steps to perfection. I especially liked the line “After the first year, I stopped daydreaming about help from a man.”

As a single dad, I stopped daydreaming about help from a woman, and instead focused on my self, got out with my kids, surrounded myself with friends, found happiness with my situation. If you’re happy with yourself, you don’t need someone else to fix it.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be single forever. It just means that a relationship will complement me, not complete or fix me.

Great post, MSM.


QTMama June 2, 2008 at 10:07 pm

I have to agree here. When I was away recently on my trip, I would join my man at the place he worked. He was up on stage singing, I was out in the crowd watching, alone. I wasn’t looking for someone to join me. And it was like the ultimate guy catcher for some reason.

Great post.


Alexis June 3, 2008 at 10:59 am

Thank you for writing this, thank you for writing everything really. And thank you to everyone for commenting. Finding and reading this blog has opened so so many doors to my mind, my heart, and my soul. Singlemamahood has become something I can cherish now. Finding this site was my first step to figuring out a lot….my newest mission: to love myself and be content with everything I have been given. This post really hit when I realized I can’t love my son to the fullest without really loving myself first. I cannot waste anymore time dreaming about a man to make my family complete. I have all I need. Thank you again.


mssinglemama June 3, 2008 at 10:24 pm

I’m so glad you all love this post … took me a while to write it – to get this all out – and an even longer time to get to this point .

Alexis: Your comment absolutely, 100% made my day – and brought tears to my eyes. Thank YOU!


chem June 7, 2008 at 9:16 pm

Hey Singlemama I thank you too, I am not a single mom but I was raised by one.

My parents were married for a few years. Most of my childhood was myself and 3 other siblings being raised by a single mother.

For years I’ve drew my strength from my single mother, who put us 4 girls through college and graduate school. I saw myself as invincible, if she could do it alone with the 4 of us….I could do anything.

It wasnt until she passed recently that I’ve felt very alone. As I said I’m not a single parent, however I am single.

Its like I’ve forgotten what I was a part of or what I witnessed as a child. A single woman doing it….doing it all….

Now some say thats why I’m single, I’m too independent. I also realize some of these feelings come from missing my rock, my mom.

As said by others this post has reminded me of the need to love and live for myself.

So thanks!


mssinglemama June 7, 2008 at 9:58 pm

Chem…I lost my father, who was also my family’s rock nine years ago…I’m so sorry that you’re mom is gone too. Remember this – she lives on in your memories and in what you do with those memories. Hugs to you … big hugs and thanks for sharing her story!


Leah October 17, 2008 at 9:45 am

this is such a fabulous piece. You can spend all your energy and effort chasing after men, with little to no satisfying results… or you can follow your bliss and really find the life (and someday, perhaps) the partner, you want!

I especially liked #2 — suck it up. When I was whiny and negative about single motherhood/my life, it was a huge man repellent and also turned ME off! LOL Acceptance has led to embracing life, with its challenges, and that is sucha better place to be.


Goddess Divine August 30, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I can relate to your story 100%. I am at the point where I am perfectly happy being single. I enjoy my own company. How did I get there? I am a student, I work part time, I workout daily, and I chase after a four year old. It sometimes feels like I don’t have the energy for dating. The reality, however, is that I don’t make time for worrying about it. I am content with my life, and anyone who wants to join the team would have to be a pretty special guy! Because I am a special lady. I know that to today. And that is the key to both my happiness, my daughter’s happiness, and anyone else’s happiness. Own your fabulous-ness ladies!


Arch February 3, 2015 at 2:14 am

Do you know the pros to be abstinent iindse a relationship? I am 19 years of age and I have had sex before. I am wondering doesn’t making love really make things better iindse a relationship? How lengthy will it be appropriate to hold back to have sexual intercourse during rapport?


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