Forget about them
Yep. To get a man’s attention you have to not want one. Funny how it works that way, but it’s true! When I started this blog I had decided to completely throw in the towel on dating. I would still date, but not actively pursue men any more, whether it be online or at a bar. I was just going to let it ride and forget about men.
The catalyst was a guy. Because of my desperation, I was blind to his true colors. And to top it off, he dumped me on my ass. It hurt and I was a mess. A mess! Over a guy I had only dated for three weeks! Thanks to candid advice from several friends I realized that I wanted men too much to successfully date any of them.
One month later, I met Kris. We had a very happy and relaxed relationship for six months. In the end we went our separate ways, but even our break up lacked much drama or heart ache. It’s because I wanted him in my life, I didn’t need him. There’s a big difference. And you’ll know what I mean when you feel it for yourself.
So here’s how to do it - how to become content with your singleness or more importantly how to become content with yourself.
1. Get a life, your own life.
Fill your days with activities or fun outings. Benjamin and I rarely spend more than two hours at a time in the house. Even on work days, I get home and then we’re off - to the book store, the library, the park, the coffee shop or a friend’s house. Once the kids are asleep, it’s you time. Find a hobby (for me it’s this blog) or read a great book. Try not to watch too much TV, it gives you distorted view of reality. Spend your “You” time on you … reading, writing, crafting, creating … give your brain some exercise.
2. Suck it up.
You’re a single mom. It’s not going to change any time soon. Even if you do meet a man, you should date him for at least a few years before you move in together, right? So, buckle down and suck it up. My trick? After the first year, I stopped daydreaming about help from a man. Like anything else, you eventually adapt to your new lifestyle - you get used to it. And then when you do meet a man, you won’t need him to save you - you’ll have your little ship running it’s course whether he’s there or not. Help from him will be a bonus, not an expectation.
3. Surround yourself with friends.
On average, Benjamin and I spend five nights out of the week visiting or hanging out with our friends. I don’t have any family in town, so my friends provide that support. If you don’t have many friends - get out there! Next time you meet a great mom or dad at the park, or at a festival - get their number, invite them over or make another date to meet in the park. If that doesn’t work - try MeetUp.com, a great website with local groups of parents (there are single parent MeetUps in most major cities).
4. Make an effort in your appearance.
I am such a girl. I always love looking cute - boyfriend or not. Use this time while you’re single to focus on you and your body. It’s all connected. On those afternoon outings, walk to your destination if you can. Drink lots and lots of water all day, every day. You’ll start glowing from the inside out. Fall in love with yourself again…it’s something most moms, single or not, have to actually focus on post-birth because it’s so easy to put yourself last.
5. Love thy self.
My major turning point - from desperation to single freedom - came when I wrote “Do I need therapy?” The post attracted comments from my personal angel, Tim Chard. Read it here. Bottom line: You need to love yourself first, even before your own children. If you don’t, you won’t be able to fully love the people in your life.
Why this is so incredibly important:
During that first year and into the second, the mini-relationships I had with men were doomed to fail because I wasn’t content on my own. I was desperate.
Add the child factor into the mix and things were quite a mess in my head. Thankfully Benjamin was a teeny tiny baby - I can’t imagine him having to watch me go through those emotional ups and downs now that he’s two. Being emotionally miserable is not fair to yourself or to your kids.
Now dating is an added bonus to my life. If a man falls out of the sky (and quite a few have), then great! If not, who cares. Either way, you can’t lose.
Does anyone else have any great tips on how to become content as a single mom? For those of you who are there - how did you get there? Did you have an ah-ha moment?
