Did I lose my Mr. Good Enough?
I’m a dating single mom. It’s hard. Very hard. The dating part. The single mom part, not so bad. You get used to it. You adapt and pretty soon, you can’t imagine life any other way. But the dating part - it can be a drag.
I am not in urgent need of a man to “save me.” It would be welcome, but it does me no good to pine for someone to sweep in and make my life easier. It took one year for me to come to peace with this. One year to suck it up and get over the fact that I’m on my own.
This weekend I was pondering my break up with Kris. And then I read Lori Gottlieb’s now famed “Marry Him!” article. I’d read it before, but this time instead of boiling over with rage I could see some of her points.
If you missed it, she’s a single mom (thanks to a sperm donor) and has never been married. She’s also in her mid-30’s and believes that single women and single moms need to start settling for Mr. Good Enough instead of waiting around for Mr. Perfect. And, according to Gottlieb, if any woman tells you she doesn’t want a man she’s lying to you and to herself.
Okay. That’s the part that makes my blood boil.
First of all, she may be a single mom, but she’s never been married to a guy who turns into a jerk. And yes, Lori, there are nice Mr. Good Enough’s who can turn into monsters too. It’s this idea - that to be happy as a single mom, I should be married - that infuriates me. It reinforces the stereotype that just because I’m single and with child - that I must be miserable and desperate for a husband.
But here are some of Gottlieb’s points I agree with:
Men are not perfect. We can’t expect them to be perfect, flawless beings who adore and fawn over us like Queens. I get that.
The pickings are slim. As we age, the selection of good guys left does diminish. After 35, the men big on commitment and starting a family have been snapped up. Do their wives appreciate them? That’s a different story all together.
Single moms have new priorities. When you’re a dating single mom your standards are different. You’re now looking for the perfect partner - not the perfect man. Which is why, when we do find one, we treat him like gold and appreciate him despite his flaws.
So, thanks to Lori’s article, all weekend I was freaking out thinking … “Oh my god, what if I lost my Mr. Good Enough?” So much so that I broke down and called Kris - “was it me? Did I drive you away? Was I a horrible girlfriend?”
“No,” he said sweetly, “no, not at all, why would you think that? We are just at such different places right now.”
And then it dawned on me. I didn’t lose my Mr. Good Enough…we lost each other - because neither one of us was ready to take the plunge, dive off of that cliff and just commit. Which means, that Lori Gottlieb can husband shop all she wants, but this single mom is not ready for one again.
But, if I do meet someone who wants to grab my hand and pull me off of that cliff - I might reconsider. In otherwords, I may be a single mom but I still need the sparks and there’s no way I’m settling.
What do you think about settling? Do you feel like you’re desperate to find someone new - or a new husband?
[Image credit - pulled directly from Gottlieb's article, here.]
Filed under: Breaking up, Dating, sex and love, Uncategorized
Not that the situations are completely similar but in the circles I walk in there’s a big pressure to get married. It’s an implicit suggestion that you must be married and can only be complete through that. What I think of all that?
It’s Bollox
Well, point of the matter is, I REFUSE to settle. I’m not looking for ‘Mr. Perfect’, I’m looking for ‘Mr. Perfect-for-me’ .
Sure I’d like to be married one day, but I’m not going to do it at the expense of my happiness. In my opinion, a relationship or marriage should be something that makes you both/all happy and settling just isn’t happiness…it’s being content. Furthermore, having a man in your life is often seen as something a woman needs in order to complete them. Thank you very much but I’m pretty complete already. Having a guy in my life is a bonus to my happiness.
Content is fine, but why be just ‘content’ if you can actually be ‘happy’ and can a relationship truly be open and honest if you just settle…do you create that interpersonal connection if you just settle?
Hell no on the settling. Not ever again.
I’m with Tracy on this one - I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect, but I AM looking for Mr. Perfect for Me. And once I thought I found him, and now, well now I realize I’m glad I didn’t.
I know that everyone’s situation is different, and that I am fortunate to be able to say this, but for me, personally, it is easier to be a single Mom than it was to be married. I get to make all the day to day decisions, my rules (based on my morals/values) aren’t negotiated or compromised, I can give my son more focused attention, and I always know where the scissors, screwdriver and car keys are, because I am the only one allowed to use them!
Life is easier with only one person to focus on. That said, I certainly hope that I will have the chance to be married again, since for me having a partner makes my life more fulfilling and satisfying, despite it being more complicated.
On the matter of settling…..it feels dishonest…. dishonest to yourself and to the man you settle for.
I felt a similar reaction of panic too when I read this article, because It really made me feel like the clock was ticking. It made me fast-forward to what I could be like in the future, and I don’t want to be soaked in bitterness (thought extremely intelligent) the way Gottlieb’s article read to me.
My married friend thought the article was offensive, saying “yeah you have to be READY to get married” and apparently Lori Gottieb isn’t in the right mindset to get married.
The article reminded me of a Spike Lee movie, yeah its great and true and thought-provoking and shocking, but what do you want me to DO WITH IT? How can I change my current state of being into the perfect world?
“And, according to Gottlieb, if any woman tells you she doesn’t want a man she’s lying to you and to herself.”
That part makes my blood boil too. I am happy being single an don’t particularly see myself as married. Occasionally I wish there was someone but those moments are far outweighed by the fact that I am grateful for my freedom. I don’t have children and perhaps it would be different if I did. But I think that you are very brave to be doing it on your own and I commend you for it.
Ms. Single Mama, that part about “the pickings are slim” is FALSE. Granted, I live in California, so maybe the pickings are different out here. I think it’s a self-defeating belief.
Man-oh-man, the Bay Area is flooded with men in their late 30s and 40s who really want to start families. Many of them are divorced and wanting to start over. Many of them want to have babies ASAP. But there is no shortage of single men who want to be in relationships.
Give yourself some time and get out there a bit more… you’ll see.
You know that I’m a non-settler, too!
I agree with all the single moms here who say that it’s much easier — and my daughter and I are much happier — to be on my own, than to be in a tense, unsatisfied relationship.
singlemomseeking:
The Bay Area is definitely the place for singles and single parents!
MsSingleMama:
I strongly disagree with the Mr. Good Enough idea. Not only are you short changing yourself, but you are short changing the men. We men don’t want to be Good Enough for you. We too want to be Mr. Perfect. Now, I understand the message here. We need to learn to compromise and not have unrealistic expectations. But Mr. Perfect isn’t really perfect. Mr. Perfect is the man you meet where both of you can agree that you love each other and want to work on a relationship that is in constant growth. Where both of you strive to become Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. Nothing worthwhile can be attained without commitment and hard work. Yes, there is a risk that it won’t work out, but thats the risk we all take.
WMT
I agree with Debra - it’s sometimes easier being a single parent than also having a partner. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want a woman in my life. It just means my priorities have shifted to my kids.
Will I settle? No. I try to be happy and grateful for what I already have. Sounds like Ms Single Mama and others are doing the same by embracing their lives as single parents.
As for available men over 35 - there are tons! Especially in Silicon Valley, where the ratio of single men to women is a zillion to one. (You can quote me on that, I counted.)
To be honest I reckon this is a great article not just for single mums but for all women who are not yet married - we could all be in that position one day.
I think it will definitely pay off to search carefully instead of rushing. Think of how many years left you’ve got to live, and also the year of your child, and maybe calculate a percentage which you think is a reasonable period to husband-hunt.
Maybe I need to move to Silicon Valley, but until then I kept reading my kids the fairy tale, Princess Bubble-because I want them to know they too can be happy alone.
Yeah! Will all of you Californians stop rubbing it in. : ) Seriously, in the Midwest we marry a bit younger or something. Don’t get me wrong - there are plenty of men left - but statistically speaking, after a certain age (at least around here) most are snatched up.
Loving the comments!!!! Thanks everyone.
Mssinglemama,
Since 50% of all marriages end, statistically speaking your chances of finding the person that totally fits are actually pretty good. Believe me, not all of those marriages fail because of men. My belief six years ago was similar to yours. I believed that all the best women were taken. Fortunately, like Singlemomseeking says about men, that is not nearly so. I still haven’t found the right one, but I don’t want to settle, and sometimes it takes a while and storm here and there to find out who someone really is or if they are a good fit.
I could get on some gender bashing here, but the honest truth is that as humans, each gender has an equal number of character flaws among them. I’ve got plenty if anyone is short some.
You’re a loving and caring mom. Your son, and any potential mate that comes along, are very lucky to be with you.
Happy Mother’s Day !(early)
New to reading blogs and am definitely bookmarking this one! I’m not alone! I’m a single mom of 4 and have found my Mr. Perfect for Me. Going to read your archives now!…
I suppose from your perspective it seems we Californians are rubbing it in. From my perspective as a California male, believe me, I’m not. I would love for some of you single women to get your butts out here! There are MEN GALORE. You’ll have a field day. Until then, I dream of your arrival. (Just don’t bring any microwaved frogs, and we’ll be good)
Are you kidding me?! If I did want to settle I WOULD be married right now. Single mom’s on their own terms much better off and better to date.
This is SUCH a pertinent discussion. Right now I have a Mr. Goodenough. In fact he his better than “goodenough”. His a thoughtful, handsome successful consultant. He makes me his number one priority and is ready to commit as soon as I am. The problem is that there are so many other successful, handsome men and I have only been with my boyfriend (of 5 years). I am afraid that if I marry him without ever having been with someone else it could cause me to be unhappy in the long term. I feel like I should take a break with him but I know that he will be so hurt it would end up being permanent. Any suggestions?
ForeverTogether?
I’m not sure … that is a tough one. I think everyone gets wanderlust? You know … did you read my entry on the diff b/n love and lust? Have you tried taking a vacation without him?
Maybe do that first. Take a week to yourself - to think - and if you find that you’re actually attracted to other men, then there’s your answer. Often we daydream but when it comes down to it - we just want to be with the one we are trying to leave.
Good luck!
I think the controversy over all of this probably comes from people’s definition of perfect. For example, there’s no question that I’m waiting for the perfect woman, and I have a list of non-negotiables, a couple of which strike some people as highly unrealistic or unreasonable … but they strike them that way because the things I need aren’t the things they need. However, it’s absolutely compatible with my idea of perfection if the woman I’m with is 40 pounds overweight, if she has a history of depression, if she has children of her own from another relationship, etc. Some of my “that’s OK”s are dealbreakers for other men, just as some of the things I need make no sense to other men.
Now, if my idea of the pefect woman were a twentysomething Victoria’s Secret model with a Ph.D in physics who happened to give incredible blow jobs despite being a virgin … yeah, I’d probably need a pretty big smack with a clue-by-four.
I don’t think anyone should settle, unless their idea of perfection points to immaturity or narcissism to begin with. If a woman’s idea of the perfect guy is a Brad Pitt-lookalike CEO who cage wrestles terrorists in his spare time when he’s not waxing his Jaguar convertible and taking orphans for rides in it, well yeah, she probably has issues.
But if your idea of perfection encompasses the things you know you need in order to live and grow emotionally with someone, then — don’t settle. And for Heaven’s sake … marriage has nothing to do with commitment. There are guys in their 30s and 40s out there who are capable of committing, but who don’t want the legal entanglement of marriage again. It doesn’t mean they’re bad guys; it means they don’t want to repeat a Hell they’ve already been through. I’m sometimes surprised that any single mom regards marriage as a good goal … especially after so many of you have worked so hard to achieve independence.
The other thing is … it’s our friends who last, our friends we can call at 3 AM, our friends who provide the best support and most reliable affection. My current theory is that the best thing I can do is invest my emotional energy in them, rather than dating, and seek to make more friends. My closest friend has been an angel, a savior, a soulmate … for almost twenty years. Whereas my longest relationship lasted six years, and now, as much as I would like to be friends with my ex, we can’t, because her new BF is jealous of me, and she has made the (wrong, IMO) choice to allow that in their relationship.
My point, and I do actually have one, is that a community of loving friends might be a better thing, in the long run, than settling. No, it’s not as close and intimate, and no, it doesn’t solve the frustrations of celibacy. But … at least in my case, if I look at what I think of as my “budget” of available time and emotional energy, I see that the payoffs are truer and deeper when I invest in the friends I have, and when I invest in pursuing people who have friend-potential.
Very wise words David, thank you for contributing!!!
that article made me mad too! I’ve had a few family members who are old and asked what I did to ‘ruin’ that relationship etc. I don’t need that, nor do I need to hear about how I let a ‘good one go.’
The thing is, timing plays a huge part and if both sides are not willing to put the time or effort in to move the relationship, it WILL NOT work!
I mean, I think we all know ourselves well enough to know what’s good for us.
I’m in a great relationship with someone who is younger and wonderful and starting out school in the fall… I’m going to have to wait through years of school to have my ‘perfect’ man… but both of us are willing to put in the effort to make those years easy and memorable for our relationship in anticipation of a future together. most guys wouldn’t want that… nor are most girls willing to wait, but sometimes you just know.
And that’s what I spent so long waiting for (keeping fingers crossed too, LOL), so why settle?