Comments on: Should I leave my husband? http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/ Single Mom Dating, Love, and Life Advice Wed, 17 Mar 2010 02:42:51 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Stormy http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-16382 Stormy Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:41:33 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-16382 Wow. I can't believe I just now found this site. I have been married for 15 years have 2 boy 12 and 13. My husband has always been very controlling. I have no idea why but I just learned how to live by the rules. When the rules were followed life was good. He can be very kind. Then BOOM when a rule isn't followed or his leadership is challenged I suddenly become a worthless wh*re. I hang pictures and he comes home to tell me they look stupid there. I quit work shortly after we were married to work for him. He calls me his partner but it's really because he didn't trust me not being with him. I have no freedom. If I want to go to the store he comes with me no matter what. My free time is when I stay with my kids. He left us in a new home for 4 years while he worked out of town. During this time he would call constantly to remind me of where I could or couldn't go. I would get yelled at for visiting my parents. I cried constantly. I was not allowed to have a job. I finally met a man who enjoyed my company. I kept it hidden for 2 years. In this 2 years this man and I had a very strong relationship. We were always there for one another. He never really pressured me to leave, just suggested if I were so unhappy then leave. My husband finally found out I cheated. That night he beat me in front of my kids. My youngest called the cops. Yet I would not press charges against my husband. My husband told me to leave. So I did with my kids. We didn't get very far. My husband called begging us to come back. My kids were crying please go back. So I did. Since returning they get to listen to my husband tell them what an immoral person I am. And how worthless I really am. He took my phone. I have only hidden communication with friends, even less with my parents. Yet I am soo afraid to leave that I just grow more and more tolerant to his actions. Once again I have learned to follow the rules and things are good. I wish I could just walk out and be free. I have no job, and nothing really. He has brioken me down so far I'm beginning to believe him. I worry as he says who would hire a 40 year old woman who has never had a real job? I can hear him now saying I told you so. What's wrong with me? Where do you all get the strength to walk away? Wow. I can’t believe I just now found this site. I have been married for 15 years have 2 boy 12 and 13. My husband has always been very controlling. I have no idea why but I just learned how to live by the rules. When the rules were followed life was good. He can be very kind. Then BOOM when a rule isn’t followed or his leadership is challenged I suddenly become a worthless wh*re. I hang pictures and he comes home to tell me they look stupid there.

I quit work shortly after we were married to work for him. He calls me his partner but it’s really because he didn’t trust me not being with him. I have no freedom. If I want to go to the store he comes with me no matter what. My free time is when I stay with my kids.

He left us in a new home for 4 years while he worked out of town. During this time he would call constantly to remind me of where I could or couldn’t go. I would get yelled at for visiting my parents. I cried constantly. I was not allowed to have a job.

I finally met a man who enjoyed my company. I kept it hidden for 2 years. In this 2 years this man and I had a very strong relationship. We were always there for one another. He never really pressured me to leave, just suggested if I were so unhappy then leave.

My husband finally found out I cheated. That night he beat me in front of my kids. My youngest called the cops. Yet I would not press charges against my husband. My husband told me to leave. So I did with my kids. We didn’t get very far. My husband called begging us to come back. My kids were crying please go back. So I did. Since returning they get to listen to my husband tell them what an immoral person I am. And how worthless I really am. He took my phone. I have only hidden communication with friends, even less with my parents.

Yet I am soo afraid to leave that I just grow more and more tolerant to his actions. Once again I have learned to follow the rules and things are good. I wish I could just walk out and be free. I have no job, and nothing really. He has brioken me down so far I’m beginning to believe him. I worry as he says who would hire a 40 year old woman who has never had a real job? I can hear him now saying I told you so.

What’s wrong with me? Where do you all get the strength to walk away?

]]> By: same situation different person http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-16278 same situation different person Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:49:09 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-16278 wow... how sad is it that we are all feeling the same way? could it really be that we are the ones to blame? Is he right is it really my fault? My husband and i have been married for 12 years, i was 16 when i left with him, he was 17, we are hispanic, and as you know cultural background has a lot to do with his way of being and my way of just taking it... we have been together since i was 14 years old, i am turning 28 this year, we have a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old, girl and boy respectively... being that we were married so young, we have been through our ups and downs... he's cheated many times, he's hit me before, he used to drink, sell drugs, he was extremely controlling, i cheated on him once and he knew, and we forgave eachother,,,, shortly after we began going to church and it kinda worked... gosh it's a very long story..so i will try to sum it up a little... i feel we have both forgiven each other for our past mistakes, and we were good for a while, but then i started growing up, i started to become the woman that i was meant to be, i have given up many things to make him happy, singing, living, time with family.....i feel i have done everything i could to try transform myself to please him, asking for nothing i nreturn until jsut recently... and now that i realize how unhappy i am, i can't seem to want to make it work anymore, i am exhausted... he's never been affectionate, and he's always looked down his nose at me and my family... i never voiced my concerns or issues because i didn't want to cause problems and feared he's be mad at me.... for the past two years i have been cheating again, inorder to fill the void that he leaves... i know it is wrong, and that i am a dispicable person for doing it, but i am selfish..... I know i have to leave, but i am scared... although i have tried to end it with my husband twice in the past 2 years, because i know that i am so unhappy, he keeps convincing me to try it one more time... and me being the hopeful romantic keep coming back only to feel like crap again... this morning he asked if i was comfortable with him..his way of asking if i am happy..u have to remember english is his second language... that's when i let him have it... i told him i didn't know what i felt, i said i try everyday to make it work like i told him i would last time when i came back...i told him this time it would be forever that i would stop seeing our marriage as soemthing that i could jsut walk out on at any moment that i wanted to...and i have... i think.... we weren't arguing or yelling or even talking roughly, it was calm and quiet and sincere... i let him know that i feel tired of trying and that i think that our personalities clash so much...and I asked him to remember the first time (in along time) i left him almost 2 yrs ago after he totally dissed me after i broke my toe, and he said that he hated "the way i am , they way my family is and the way our son will be" (he was referring to my outgoing boisterous personality that my family and i share...which yes my son has) i told him that i was not going to change who i am, because that's a part of me..and he said that he was sorry that he would change the way he is, and that he would accept me as i am... I asked him to remember what i told him "that i didn't feel it was fair for me to ask him to change who he is, because I am asking him to accept me as i am...and that i knew that we can only change for a while because it's all a charade...we eventually return to our original state"...i knew this because i have tried for so many years to be the kind of woman he wants me to be..quiet reserved, respectful, shy, the one that doesn't care to relax or unwind after along day at work and only cares about having a clean house and pleasing her husband by keeping it clean at all times .... but come on....that's not me...i am a strong willed woman, and yes i need to be able to rest when i get home...my house is not a pig stye(sp) it's clean and presentable..do i mop everyday? do i sweep every day, no i know i should but i dont...but hey i'm not a hoarder there isn't junk all over the house...it's clean...just not like he would like it i guess... he said he thinks that we are both tired of eachother, because any little thing about me makes him mad at me... and inturn he says he takes it out in the bedroom, that's to say that's why he holds out on me... he said that when he is mad at me , all he can thin kabout is every sinlge little bad thing about me and that he doesn't feel like he wants to have sex with me, he said that feeling that way makes him not want me... i told him i understand where he's coming from becasue i've felt that way before too... i told him i think that he is starting to resent me and that's why he gets mad at me so easily for the smallest things... i told i think it's because for the past 14 years i had never voiced my opinions or feelings or emotions, because i didn't want to cause problems or fight with him, and ididn't want him to get mad at me... and now that i have begun expressing myself and actually asking for what i feel i need to be happy in out marriage, he probably feels like i am attacking him...and because he feels he has tried to give me what i need emotionally, and that it's not enough for me...but truth is, when he's actually doing the things that i ask of him... It's perfect! i am happy, but like i said before that only lasts for a few weeks, maybe months because that's not who he is..... I told him maybe i have to many expectations for him, that maybe i should forget some of them and not push it, so that he can feel better, but then i would be in this situation again in the future feeling like something is missing not only from my marriage but also my life.... I feel unhappy alot of the times... and maybe the doctor is right, i may be depressed, and i truly believe that if I am,,,it's because of my marriage... I don't even know if my expectaions and needs that i ask of him are even plausable... the things I ask of him are that He is more affectionate, that he tells me that i am pretty, that he intiate sex, that he intiate a hug or a kiss...that he have that desire towards me and that he shows it... i ask that he makes an effort to be apart of my family..ie. parents brothers, aunts uncles, cousins etc. just as i have become a part of his... I ask him to take me on dates everyonce in awhile and make me feel special, by doing the above... for him to pretend that i am the most amazing woman that he has ever seen... and believe me I do these things for him I promise... I see him and i compliment him all the time... Itell him he's hot, I praise him for accomplishments at work, He knows that he is wanted and desired... I go to all his family functions... like i said i have tried to change myself for him...but i always revert to being myself... there are times when he gives me a look or makes a comment about how i'm dumb or embarrasaing him for letting the hairdresser know that my son gets his thick hair from his daddy! i mean WTF! really!? tell me the truth is what i ask of him too much? i let him know that he has many good points and that if we ever split i would probably be alone for a while, becasue i know that i wouldn't want to bring just anyone into my life... that I also know that his good points are very good points that I am thank ful for...and that I doubt i will find anyone else who will measure up to his good points... his good points are the following: he works very hard, makes good money, he has ambition to have nice things in life, nice house, nice cars. Work comes first! He is a good provider (even though i pay for some of the bills and end up with very little money from every pay check, this in part is due to some credit cards i owe that he's not aware of..lol) He is responsible, he knows the importance of me paying bills on time, he saves money(but he's really hard with it, if i want to get take out on the weekend i have to pay for it, so i am left with even less money) He loves the kids, duh huh? he cares enough to try to be a good dad... he trys to be affectionate...(that's what gets me, he has to TRY to be affectionate even with them..his own flesh and blood...he says that i make him be nicer to them, but that it takes a lot for him to be able to be that way with them) He doesn't drink, smoke, party, but i would like it if he wouldn't make me feel so bad for wanting to have a mixed drink everyonce in a while...he makes me feel like I look like a hoe, or a slut, or a bad person or an alcoholic if i even joke that i want a maragrita...or that i have a little wine everyonce in a while... he takes care of himself he looks good, he works out... He trys... so why is that all not enough for me, why can't i jsut be happy with his good points and forget the rest? why can't i just settle for him trying everyonce in a while? why am i so unhappy if i have it all? what's wrong with me ?... Am i being a spoiled brat to want to have it all? is it wrong for me to want my parents or my brothers to come visit me at my house with out feeling un welcomed? My hubby literally hides in the bathroom or rushes in says a quick hello, and leaves as soon as he can... My oldest brother has never ever been to my new house... i've been here for almost 2 years... my parents have probably been here a total of 4 times, only once when my hubby was present... but how can i ask him to be more apart of my family if that's just his personality??? one time his parents visited us and before they arrived he talked down at me and said that when they arrived we better go outside, that he didn't want everyone inside... i was like whatever it's your family... but i felt horrible... idk why he's like that? but that' who he is... Who considers it a hassle to have sex with his wife? shouldn't he wantto tell her how much he wants her, or that she's sexy? why not make her feel wanted and desired? why would he physically push her away if she comes up to him for a hug or a kiss, or to grab his package because she wants him Right Now? Am I really asking for too much? I feel these things are important to me, but then i start to thing that I am being selfish, or silly or unrealistic... I constantly feel like I have to readjust my personality to please him, I feel like there is something wrong with my personality, like I am a bad person... I feel like I have to be perfect in his eyes, but even then I can't make him happy, I am never enough for him... Like i am always watching my back, and what i say, what i do for fear that he may misinterpret it. but i stay because, I am afraid to make the biggest mistake of my life, to lose the man that was meant for me... only because i couldn't compromise, to be alone and never find anyone else to love me or put up with me, or that i will find nothing but bad men that don't measure up to any of my standards... I am so scared of feeling hurt and sad...of feeling that pain in my chest.. I am scared of being hurt and hurting him and hurting my children,,,, although i know they are already hurting...they make comments about how daddy is mean to mommy and they like it when we break up and come back because he's nice... they see more than i would imagine, and that kills me!!!! Am i being unreasonable with my requests? should i jsut accept it and continue? but he's said that all he can see is the bad, he's not sure what he wants either at this point, i think we are both afraid to be alone...so we stay together even though we aren't truly happy...we are content, but not happy... we are used to our situation and would rather be in our comfort zone than go through the hassle of finding someone new, a divorce, and being so heartbroken.... he has no friends, his family isn't the greatest support group, so it would be harder on him emotionally... and i take that into consideration... but how much longer can i continue to live like this? am i being dumb? am I living in a fairytale state of mind.... i know that there is no perfect man, so should i settle for what i have? i'm sorry for writing a book, but typing this helps me put things into perspective... i am just really scared of being without him, afraid of losing him, of being alone...but i don't know if it's becasue i am in love with him, or because he's what i am used to... or like i said becasue i am scared of being alone and making the biggest mistake of my life and ruining it for me and my children and my husband... the thing is , i really don't want to live like this, and really if i am cheating on him... how can i want to stay with him? it's becasue i am a selfish spoiled brat... and I deserve to be treated this way by him... idk...i know i sound stupid saying that and that i should say it, but sometimes that's how i feel... i will appreciate ur feed back... he called me this morning after he left for work and asked if he should come back home after work, or leave to his mom's house,,,i told him that he should come home so that we could continue talking about what we feel is the best decision, but really I know that He will never fully change, so he will never really give me what i need, and that i will never fully be happy, and inturn resent him and continue to feel and do as i have been up until now... i asked him to make 2 lists...one lsiting the characteristics of his ideal woman, and one listing why he continues to be with me...i asked him to be totally honest and not write what he thinks i want to hear... but what to do if i don't see it ever getting better, he won't change so i'll end up miserable, and if i settle, i will still be miserable eventually... but based on the above points... would you say i should jsut be grateful for the good in him and oversee my other wants and needs? i am not asking you to amake a decision for me, but i would like to know your opinion, ... is this a case of a woman overeaccting and being spoiled or a brat? If so, i need to really change my way of thinking... wow… how sad is it that we are all feeling the same way? could it really be that we are the ones to blame? Is he right is it really my fault? My husband and i have been married for 12 years, i was 16 when i left with him, he was 17, we are hispanic, and as you know cultural background has a lot to do with his way of being and my way of just taking it… we have been together since i was 14 years old, i am turning 28 this year, we have a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old, girl and boy respectively… being that we were married so young, we have been through our ups and downs… he’s cheated many times, he’s hit me before, he used to drink, sell drugs, he was extremely controlling, i cheated on him once and he knew, and we forgave eachother,,,, shortly after we began going to church and it kinda worked… gosh it’s a very long story..so i will try to sum it up a little… i feel we have both forgiven each other for our past mistakes, and we were good for a while, but then i started growing up, i started to become the woman that i was meant to be, i have given up many things to make him happy, singing, living, time with family…..i feel i have done everything i could to try transform myself to please him, asking for nothing i nreturn until jsut recently… and now that i realize how unhappy i am, i can’t seem to want to make it work anymore, i am exhausted…
he’s never been affectionate, and he’s always looked down his nose at me and my family… i never voiced my concerns or issues because i didn’t want to cause problems and feared he’s be mad at me…. for the past two years i have been cheating again, inorder to fill the void that he leaves… i know it is wrong, and that i am a dispicable person for doing it, but i am selfish….. I know i have to leave, but i am scared… although i have tried to end it with my husband twice in the past 2 years, because i know that i am so unhappy, he keeps convincing me to try it one more time… and me being the hopeful romantic keep coming back only to feel like crap again…

this morning he asked if i was comfortable with him..his way of asking if i am happy..u have to remember english is his second language…

that’s when i let him have it… i told him i didn’t know what i felt, i said i try everyday to make it work like i told him i would last time when i came back…i told him this time it would be forever that i would stop seeing our marriage as soemthing that i could jsut walk out on at any moment that i wanted to…and i have… i think…. we weren’t arguing or yelling or even talking roughly, it was calm and quiet and sincere…

i let him know that i feel tired of trying and that i think that our personalities clash so much…and I asked him to remember the first time (in along time) i left him almost 2 yrs ago after he totally dissed me after i broke my toe, and he said that he hated “the way i am , they way my family is and the way our son will be” (he was referring to my outgoing boisterous personality that my family and i share…which yes my son has) i told him that i was not going to change who i am, because that’s a part of me..and he said that he was sorry that he would change the way he is, and that he would accept me as i am… I asked him to remember what i told him “that i didn’t feel it was fair for me to ask him to change who he is, because I am asking him to accept me as i am…and that i knew that we can only change for a while because it’s all a charade…we eventually return to our original state”…i knew this because i have tried for so many years to be the kind of woman he wants me to be..quiet reserved, respectful, shy, the one that doesn’t care to relax or unwind after along day at work and only cares about having a clean house and pleasing her husband by keeping it clean at all times …. but come on….that’s not me…i am a strong willed woman, and yes i need to be able to rest when i get home…my house is not a pig stye(sp) it’s clean and presentable..do i mop everyday? do i sweep every day, no i know i should but i dont…but hey i’m not a hoarder there isn’t junk all over the house…it’s clean…just not like he would like it i guess…

he said he thinks that we are both tired of eachother, because any little thing about me makes him mad at me… and inturn he says he takes it out in the bedroom, that’s to say that’s why he holds out on me… he said that when he is mad at me , all he can thin kabout is every sinlge little bad thing about me and that he doesn’t feel like he wants to have sex with me, he said that feeling that way makes him not want me… i told him i understand where he’s coming from becasue i’ve felt that way before too…

i told him i think that he is starting to resent me and that’s why he gets mad at me so easily for the smallest things… i told i think it’s because for the past 14 years i had never voiced my opinions or feelings or emotions, because i didn’t want to cause problems or fight with him, and ididn’t want him to get mad at me… and now that i have begun expressing myself and actually asking for what i feel i need to be happy in out marriage, he probably feels like i am attacking him…and because he feels he has tried to give me what i need emotionally, and that it’s not enough for me…but truth is, when he’s actually doing the things that i ask of him… It’s perfect! i am happy, but like i said before that only lasts for a few weeks, maybe months because that’s not who he is…..

I told him maybe i have to many expectations for him, that maybe i should forget some of them and not push it, so that he can feel better, but then i would be in this situation again in the future feeling like something is missing not only from my marriage but also my life…. I feel unhappy alot of the times… and maybe the doctor is right, i may be depressed, and i truly believe that if I am,,,it’s because of my marriage… I don’t even know if my expectaions and needs that i ask of him are even plausable… the things I ask of him are that He is more affectionate, that he tells me that i am pretty, that he intiate sex, that he intiate a hug or a kiss…that he have that desire towards me and that he shows it… i ask that he makes an effort to be apart of my family..ie. parents brothers, aunts uncles, cousins etc. just as i have become a part of his… I ask him to take me on dates everyonce in awhile and make me feel special, by doing the above… for him to pretend that i am the most amazing woman that he has ever seen… and believe me I do these things for him I promise… I see him and i compliment him all the time… Itell him he’s hot, I praise him for accomplishments at work, He knows that he is wanted and desired… I go to all his family functions… like i said i have tried to change myself for him…but i always revert to being myself… there are times when he gives me a look or makes a comment about how i’m dumb or embarrasaing him for letting the hairdresser know that my son gets his thick hair from his daddy! i mean WTF! really!?

tell me the truth is what i ask of him too much?

i let him know that he has many good points and that if we ever split i would probably be alone for a while, becasue i know that i wouldn’t want to bring just anyone into my life… that I also know that his good points are very good points that I am thank ful for…and that I doubt i will find anyone else who will measure up to his good points…

his good points are the following:

he works very hard, makes good money, he has ambition to have nice things in life, nice house, nice cars. Work comes first!

He is a good provider (even though i pay for some of the bills and end up with very little money from every pay check, this in part is due to some credit cards i owe that he’s not aware of..lol)

He is responsible, he knows the importance of me paying bills on time, he saves money(but he’s really hard with it, if i want to get take out on the weekend i have to pay for it, so i am left with even less money)

He loves the kids, duh huh? he cares enough to try to be a good dad… he trys to be affectionate…(that’s what gets me, he has to TRY to be affectionate even with them..his own flesh and blood…he says that i make him be nicer to them, but that it takes a lot for him to be able to be that way with them)

He doesn’t drink, smoke, party, but i would like it if he wouldn’t make me feel so bad for wanting to have a mixed drink everyonce in a while…he makes me feel like I look like a hoe, or a slut, or a bad person or an alcoholic if i even joke that i want a maragrita…or that i have a little wine everyonce in a while…

he takes care of himself he looks good, he works out…

He trys…

so why is that all not enough for me, why can’t i jsut be happy with his good points and forget the rest? why can’t i just settle for him trying everyonce in a while? why am i so unhappy if i have it all? what’s wrong with me ?… Am i being a spoiled brat to want to have it all?

is it wrong for me to want my parents or my brothers to come visit me at my house with out feeling un welcomed? My hubby literally hides in the bathroom or rushes in says a quick hello, and leaves as soon as he can… My oldest brother has never ever been to my new house… i’ve been here for almost 2 years… my parents have probably been here a total of 4 times, only once when my hubby was present… but how can i ask him to be more apart of my family if that’s just his personality??? one time his parents visited us and before they arrived he talked down at me and said that when they arrived we better go outside, that he didn’t want everyone inside… i was like whatever it’s your family… but i felt horrible… idk why he’s like that? but that’ who he is…

Who considers it a hassle to have sex with his wife? shouldn’t he wantto tell her how much he wants her, or that she’s sexy? why not make her feel wanted and desired? why would he physically push her away if she comes up to him for a hug or a kiss, or to grab his package because she wants him Right Now?

Am I really asking for too much?

I feel these things are important to me, but then i start to thing that I am being selfish, or silly or unrealistic…

I constantly feel like I have to readjust my personality to please him, I feel like there is something wrong with my personality, like I am a bad person… I feel like I have to be perfect in his eyes, but even then I can’t make him happy, I am never enough for him…
Like i am always watching my back, and what i say, what i do for fear that he may misinterpret it.

but i stay because, I am afraid to make the biggest mistake of my life, to lose the man that was meant for me… only because i couldn’t compromise, to be alone and never find anyone else to love me or put up with me, or that i will find nothing but bad men that don’t measure up to any of my standards… I am so scared of feeling hurt and sad…of feeling that pain in my chest.. I am scared of being hurt and hurting him and hurting my children,,,, although i know they are already hurting…they make comments about how daddy is mean to mommy and they like it when we break up and come back because he’s nice… they see more than i would imagine, and that kills me!!!!

Am i being unreasonable with my requests? should i jsut accept it and continue?

but he’s said that all he can see is the bad, he’s not sure what he wants either at this point, i think we are both afraid to be alone…so we stay together even though we aren’t truly happy…we are content, but not happy… we are used to our situation and would rather be in our comfort zone than go through the hassle of finding someone new, a divorce, and being so heartbroken….

he has no friends, his family isn’t the greatest support group, so it would be harder on him emotionally… and i take that into consideration…

but how much longer can i continue to live like this?

am i being dumb? am I living in a fairytale state of mind….

i know that there is no perfect man, so should i settle for what i have?

i’m sorry for writing a book, but typing this helps me put things into perspective…

i am just really scared of being without him, afraid of losing him, of being alone…but i don’t know if it’s becasue i am in love with him, or because he’s what i am used to… or like i said becasue i am scared of being alone and making the biggest mistake of my life and ruining it for me and my children and my husband… the thing is , i really don’t want to live like this, and really if i am cheating on him… how can i want to stay with him?

it’s becasue i am a selfish spoiled brat… and I deserve to be treated this way by him… idk…i know i sound stupid saying that and that i should say it, but sometimes that’s how i feel…

i will appreciate ur feed back…

he called me this morning after he left for work and asked if he should come back home after work, or leave to his mom’s house,,,i told him that he should come home so that we could continue talking about what we feel is the best decision, but really I know that He will never fully change, so he will never really give me what i need, and that i will never fully be happy, and inturn resent him and continue to feel and do as i have been up until now…

i asked him to make 2 lists…one lsiting the characteristics of his ideal woman, and one listing why he continues to be with me…i asked him to be totally honest and not write what he thinks i want to hear…

but what to do if i don’t see it ever getting better, he won’t change so i’ll end up miserable, and if i settle, i will still be miserable eventually…

but based on the above points… would you say i should jsut be grateful for the good in him and oversee my other wants and needs?

i am not asking you to amake a decision for me, but i would like to know your opinion, … is this a case of a woman overeaccting and being spoiled or a brat? If so, i need to really change my way of thinking…

]]> By: bb http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-16130 bb Sat, 27 Feb 2010 09:38:17 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-16130 My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. Deep down I want to leave but don't know what I would do. We just moved to a new state and I still haven't been able to find a job. Even if I could afford to leave I couldn't bear not being able to see my kids (3 yr old girl and 5 month old boy) every single day but I couldn't file for full custody either because he is a good father and my girl loves him so much. She would hate me if I did that to her. Anyway he is not a good husband. He drinks a lot.. not everyday but nearly. Over a two day period this past week he drank a 1.75 of bourbon by himself. He always has to drink to get drunk. Everyday..and I mean everyday he tells me I am fat and worthless. He tells me he hates me and I am ugly. He always has something to b*tch about. If I'm having a bad day and try and talk to him or try and talk to him about something I am interested in he tells me to shut up and that he doesn't care. I am so used to the emotional abuse that I find myself believing the stuff he says. I don't have any family close and being in a new town and state I don't have any friends around either. The thing that kills me is that my family loves him. I haven't told a soul about any of this.. his drinking or the way he talks to me. I wonder what they would think if they knew. yet, there is something inside me that wont let me tell them. All of this has been going on for at least 2 years of our marriage. Just recently though he has started shoving me or the occasionally swatting on the head in the car followed by him telling me I'm stupid. Last night though, we were talking about something.. and I took it as just talking and he started to raise his voice. I got defensive saying I wasn't trying to argue but just trying to explain. He started storming off and I followed and he turned around and slapped me across the face (while I was holding our 5 month old, who thankfully was asleep) He then went into a bedroom and slammed the door. I set our son down and opened the door and he punched me, knocking me to the floor and knocking the wind out of me. Now I really want to leave but still have all these things holding me back. I don't know what to do. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. Deep down I want to leave but don’t know what I would do. We just moved to a new state and I still haven’t been able to find a job. Even if I could afford to leave I couldn’t bear not being able to see my kids (3 yr old girl and 5 month old boy) every single day but I couldn’t file for full custody either because he is a good father and my girl loves him so much. She would hate me if I did that to her. Anyway he is not a good husband. He drinks a lot.. not everyday but nearly. Over a two day period this past week he drank a 1.75 of bourbon by himself. He always has to drink to get drunk. Everyday..and I mean everyday he tells me I am fat and worthless. He tells me he hates me and I am ugly. He always has something to b*tch about. If I’m having a bad day and try and talk to him or try and talk to him about something I am interested in he tells me to shut up and that he doesn’t care. I am so used to the emotional abuse that I find myself believing the stuff he says. I don’t have any family close and being in a new town and state I don’t have any friends around either. The thing that kills me is that my family loves him. I haven’t told a soul about any of this.. his drinking or the way he talks to me. I wonder what they would think if they knew. yet, there is something inside me that wont let me tell them. All of this has been going on for at least 2 years of our marriage. Just recently though he has started shoving me or the occasionally swatting on the head in the car followed by him telling me I’m stupid. Last night though, we were talking about something.. and I took it as just talking and he started to raise his voice. I got defensive saying I wasn’t trying to argue but just trying to explain. He started storming off and I followed and he turned around and slapped me across the face (while I was holding our 5 month old, who thankfully was asleep) He then went into a bedroom and slammed the door. I set our son down and opened the door and he punched me, knocking me to the floor and knocking the wind out of me. Now I really want to leave but still have all these things holding me back. I don’t know what to do.

]]> By: elisia http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-15904 elisia Sun, 14 Feb 2010 21:45:21 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-15904 thank you for your story im only 26 and i have been married for 2 years now but i have had it. i never do anything right and nothing is ever good enough he never shows me he loves me he just ignores me im always crying i think im going to leave thank you for your story im only 26 and i have been married for 2 years now but i have had it. i never do anything right and nothing is ever good enough he never shows me he loves me he just ignores me im always crying i think im going to leave

]]> By: Stone http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-15843 Stone Fri, 12 Feb 2010 03:58:48 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-15843 Thank you so much for writing all the posts. Here's my story. My husband and I have been together 3 1/2 years. We definately have nothing in commonm and on top of that he is very OCD. I don't think our relationship is bad enough that I should leave, but I think about it all the time. Now we have a son who's a year and I don't live in my home state. So If I leave I don't know if legally I can ake my son. And not having full custody would not be an option. I think about "if I leave" and couldn't bare taking my son away from my husband, because he's a good father and it's not fair to him. My husband makes me feel like a little pea sometimes. He's always right, and usually is unfotunately. He is a neat freak, which is fine excpet he wants me to be too. He refuses to get joined accounts, and even bought me my own laptop so we wouldn't have to share one. After many arguments about showing effection, besides sex, his view is that he shows his love by supporting us. Now I work full time, but don't make even half what he makes so I cannot afford the big items in the house. And he claims that I just can't save. Now there's two to three things that replay in my mind and I don't know if these are red flags or just me being unreasonable. 1. I moved with him to his home state, before we were married. He bought my wedding rings because I was to be quiting a jewlery store job and it was a great deal. I found out I was pregnant right after he bought our house. He still didn't propose. We decided to elope for insurance reasons a week after the prego test. And he didn't really ask me to marry him, he said well I guess I should give you these. p.s. no honeymoon "for financial reasons either" 2. He's always got something to say about the house being out of order. Now mind you our house is middle class type and we keep it quite clean. " I've compared!" Now my dad was also a neat freak, so when you heard dad pulling in from work you jumped to clean. I find myself cleaning for " my husband" to make him happy. He doesn't really yell I just don't want the argument or comments that I did nothing all day. 3. My husband will NOT cook, I mean, at all. His two days off, I work he won't even pull something out of the freezer. This drives me nuts. It's not that he;s lazy cause he's not he'll be doing yard work or what ever, but I feel so mad when he won't cook. 4. We have nothing in common, than maybe a couple tv shows. I've found myself liking what he likes cause" you are what you eat" sort of thing, but I remember liking to play board games, and rollerblading, and such. None of which he will tollerate. I even go to the shooting range with him. Please help! I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. I don't think counceling will work cause we just don't connect. Thank you so much for writing all the posts. Here’s my story.
My husband and I have been together 3 1/2 years. We definately have nothing in commonm and on top of that he is very OCD. I don’t think our relationship is bad enough that I should leave, but I think about it all the time. Now we have a son who’s a year and I don’t live in my home state. So If I leave I don’t know if legally I can ake my son. And not having full custody would not be an option. I think about “if I leave” and couldn’t bare taking my son away from my husband, because he’s a good father and it’s not fair to him. My husband makes me feel like a little pea sometimes. He’s always right, and usually is unfotunately. He is a neat freak, which is fine excpet he wants me to be too. He refuses to get joined accounts, and even bought me my own laptop so we wouldn’t have to share one. After many arguments about showing effection, besides sex, his view is that he shows his love by supporting us. Now I work full time, but don’t make even half what he makes so I cannot afford the big items in the house. And he claims that I just can’t save. Now there’s two to three things that replay in my mind and I don’t know if these are red flags or just me being unreasonable.
1. I moved with him to his home state, before we were married. He bought my wedding rings because I was to be quiting a jewlery store job and it was a great deal. I found out I was pregnant right after he bought our house. He still didn’t propose. We decided to elope for insurance reasons a week after the prego test. And he didn’t really ask me to marry him, he said well I guess I should give you these. p.s. no honeymoon “for financial reasons either”
2. He’s always got something to say about the house being out of order. Now mind you our house is middle class type and we keep it quite clean. ” I’ve compared!”
Now my dad was also a neat freak, so when you heard dad pulling in from work you jumped to clean. I find myself cleaning for ” my husband” to make him happy. He doesn’t really yell I just don’t want the argument or comments that I did nothing all day.
3. My husband will NOT cook, I mean, at all. His two days off, I work he won’t even pull something out of the freezer. This drives me nuts. It’s not that he;s lazy cause he’s not he’ll be doing yard work or what ever, but I feel so mad when he won’t cook.
4. We have nothing in common, than maybe a couple tv shows.
I’ve found myself liking what he likes cause” you are what you eat” sort of thing, but I remember liking to play board games, and rollerblading, and such. None of which he will tollerate. I even go to the shooting range with him.
Please help! I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do. I don’t think counceling will work cause we just don’t connect.

]]> By: Stone http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-15842 Stone Fri, 12 Feb 2010 03:01:21 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-15842 Binzer, I have a very simuliar problem with my husband. I too work but full time, and have a 13 month old. My husband blames his job for many things. But he puts hunting first. Enough about me. I am just wondering how you are doing three months later? Binzer,
I have a very simuliar problem with my husband. I too work but full time, and have a 13 month old. My husband blames his job for many things. But he puts hunting first. Enough about me. I am just wondering how you are doing three months later?

]]> By: anonymous http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-15725 anonymous Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:49:24 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-15725 i desperately need some help.. My husband andi hae been having problems. we fight over the smallest things. We werent together long before i got pregnant with my firs son. My husband is in the military so weve mved away from m family and friends. Im pregnant again and we just cant seem to get along. We went to our first couseling session and it went okay. I have given up a couple times of course for the moment and we have decided that maybe if i got back to school in my hometown that would be a nice time apart to see if that works for us because we are so young. he has been supportive when it comes to school but im scared that me leaving will drive him to cheat. Hes a good father and itwill kill me to see my son apart from his daddy but is this the right thing to do?....its not for long...9 months and of course my husband and i will see eachother alot between that time. thanksss i desperately need some help..

My husband andi hae been having problems. we fight over the smallest things. We werent together long before i got pregnant with my firs son. My husband is in the military so weve mved away from m family and friends. Im pregnant again and we just cant seem to get along.

We went to our first couseling session and it went okay. I have given up a couple times of course for the moment and we have decided that maybe if i got back to school in my hometown that would be a nice time apart to see if that works for us because we are so young. he has been supportive when it comes to school but im scared that me leaving will drive him to cheat.

Hes a good father and itwill kill me to see my son apart from his daddy but is this the right thing to do?….its not for long…9 months and of course my husband and i will see eachother alot between that time.

thanksss

]]> By: Hopeful http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-14999 Hopeful Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:40:42 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-14999 Ditto!!!!!! Ditto!!!!!!

]]> By: Hopeful http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-14977 Hopeful Wed, 30 Dec 2009 13:35:19 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-14977 Oh my god - my life is mirroring your life. I just want to leave and be with my kids. Its the "bump" that is stopping me. Im scared, Im excited, Im nervous.... I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at the same time. He is a good man and a good father, but I just dont love him anymore. I have done everything over the past 20 years, painting, gardening, cleaning, changing my jobs so as not to have child care. He has spent 90% of his time watching soccer and drinking beer. I told him 6 months ago I wanted to leave and he has now turned into father of the year, so attentive, loving and generous to all of us! He also tells me that he will fight me to the end if I leave!!! I CANT STAY- I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE - I cant turn around when Im 70 and my kids are all grown up and say "well thats it then, Ill just make the best of the rest.....) This aint no dress-rehearsal and I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be honest with my kids. Would I want my kids to stay in a relationship with someone they didnt love - hell no. Anyway...... this is the hardest time of my life but I WILL get there, Im sure I will x Oh my god – my life is mirroring your life. I just want to leave and be with my kids. Its the “bump” that is stopping me. Im scared, Im excited, Im nervous…. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at the same time. He is a good man and a good father, but I just dont love him anymore. I have done everything over the past 20 years, painting, gardening, cleaning, changing my jobs so as not to have child care. He has spent 90% of his time watching soccer and drinking beer. I told him 6 months ago I wanted to leave and he has now turned into father of the year, so attentive, loving and generous to all of us! He also tells me that he will fight me to the end if I leave!!! I CANT STAY- I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE – I cant turn around when Im 70 and my kids are all grown up and say “well thats it then, Ill just make the best of the rest…..) This aint no dress-rehearsal and I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be honest with my kids. Would I want my kids to stay in a relationship with someone they didnt love – hell no. Anyway…… this is the hardest time of my life but I WILL get there, Im sure I will x

]]> By: Anonymous http://mssinglemama.com/2008/05/02/should-i-leave-my-husband/#comment-14788 Anonymous Sun, 13 Dec 2009 13:15:58 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/?p=392#comment-14788 Unfortunately, I've been in your situation before. First of all, NEVER allow him to make you feel like it is your fault for how he treats you. He is responsible for his own actions. And yes, it is physical abuse. He does not have to punch you in the face for it to be physical. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to walk away. I know how scary it is to leave. I'm 34 years old now, and I've had two failed marriages. I lived in fear of my first husband for almost 12 years. My second husband was emotionally abusive, and that marriage lasted less than 3 years. As scary as it seems to leave, for fear of what he may do, or how you will be able to take care of yourself, etc, trust me, you will figure it out and it will be ok. Once you're out of an abusive relationship and look back, you can see how clearly you did the right thing. Unfortunately, I’ve been in your situation before. First of all, NEVER allow him to make you feel like it is your fault for how he treats you. He is responsible for his own actions. And yes, it is physical abuse. He does not have to punch you in the face for it to be physical. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to walk away. I know how scary it is to leave. I’m 34 years old now, and I’ve had two failed marriages. I lived in fear of my first husband for almost 12 years. My second husband was emotionally abusive, and that marriage lasted less than 3 years. As scary as it seems to leave, for fear of what he may do, or how you will be able to take care of yourself, etc, trust me, you will figure it out and it will be ok. Once you’re out of an abusive relationship and look back, you can see how clearly you did the right thing.

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