Take a breath and try to imagine yourself in a thankless marriage.
Now try to imagine having a little one watching and witnessing – the fights, the anger, the unhappiness or depression.
When marriage counseling fails (it did for me) and you have exhausted all of your options, emotionally and physically to make it work – when do you know if you should leave?
There were a few moments, split seconds of time when I knew I had to give up – that my ex-husband and I were impossibly different – and that he was impossibly uncommitted to truly being the best father and husband he could be. These moments were spread out over two years. And then one of them broke the camel’s back: he told me, didn’t even ask, told me – that he would not be working but staying at home until our (my) savings ran out. Then, he said, he would find a new job.
And that was it. I left – packed up our apartment – moved in with my mom (took little 4-month-old Benjamin of course) and got on with my life.
It wasn’t easy.
It isn’t easy.
But being in that marriage, with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother.
I received an e-mail this week that moved me to write this post.
I’m sure you hear it all the time, but your blog really touched me. I’m sitting here at work with a lump in my throat trying really hard not to cry.
I’m married with a ten month old (who is IT, and by it, I mean the absolute greatest love in existence, which you know all about). My husband is, as I’ve heard you describe your ex, USELESS. I read one of your first posts about him not moving the boxes, and that same exact situation has happened to me. Your ex sounds like he’s a good turner-arounder (is that even a word)—he can make something his fault or your fault in a matter of seconds, and takes responsibility for nothing.
Anyway, my husband has been out of town this week, and it’s given me a lot of time to think. Part of me (like a teeny tiny part) is scared to “be alone.”
Do you have any suggestions as far as finances go? Was the legal aspect of divorce and custody a difficult thing for you in that aspect (or others)?
What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence? Most divorced parents know the decision does not come easy. It’s not something you just snap into … you think, think, try and try again to make it work and then one day – that’s it – you’re done.
What tipped you? What was the deciding factor in your decision to get a divorce?
If you feel like a married single mom, click here.
[Photo credit: Every Day Better Living.com]
{ 121 comments… read them below or add one }
What tipped me?
Well it could have been the steak knife between the floating ribs on the right side but it really was me – realizing this situation would never change and I could never change it (it did take 14 years). The yelling and screaming would continue, if I stayed there would be nothing left of me. Yes, it did take months to come to this decision.
Well, I was never married…BUT…I was with my ex for 8 years. I left him when my little man was 15 months old. It was not a healthy relationship for quite sometime (it was a verbally and emotionally unstable one and was leading towards more) but I always managed to convice myself that it would get better, or made excuses for his behaviour.
My tipping point? When I was holding my little man in my arms and he was crying (tired pumpkin) and my ex pushed my backwards and told me to take the “kid” into another room and make him be quiet. Of course if my ex was sober, things probably would be different, but he rarely was. At that very moment I knew that this was not going to get better , in fact I knew it could only get worse and that I could NOT let my little guy grow up in that environment. I packed my stuff and left..baby in hand.
My decision to leave was scary, but I had to do what was best for my son. It’s been almost 8 years and I am proud to say I and debt free, I have a roof over my head, have re built an excellent credit rating, have re-discovered myself , re-built my self-esteem and have a happy and healthy son. By taking baby steps and staying strong, I firmly believe that anything can be done. Believe in yourself……
My moment came when I met a guy at work, I realized I had not been having fun in my marrige. We had a flexible job so we would go out during the day and just do fun things. My husnband found out on day that I had been going out with this guy and got really controlling. That just made it worse I new that I didn't want to live my life where someone was telling me what to do. We have been mariied 21 years with 4 kids and now I realize how controlling he is.
Wow.
As another of the “I’ve been there!” women.. I just wanted to emphasize that it’s not worth waiting for something physical to happen, sometimes you know it’d never even get to that point in your situation, you just KNOW it’s not working..and never will. And it’s time to go. Know that you deserve the best, and if that’s not something you can realize at the moment, know your child does.. You can do it.
Best of luck to the person who wrote that.. I’m open to emails if anyone needs to talk
absolutelystriking-at-gmail-dot-com
When my daughter was 9 months old, her dad and I got into a fight. A bad fight. A fight that had been building up for 2 years, and I had been swallowing every day, to save face. Lets just say what came out that night could have jeopordized the safety of everyone involved, and I’m glad it didn’t get as bad as it could have been. I left for Miami a few days after that fight, and was on my own for a week. I made all the decisions, took care of everything, and realized that I COULD do it alone. Why was I staying with someone who shoved me out of bed when he was angry at me?
When I got back, I never even unpacked. I left that same day.
I think the important thing is that nobody changes. If you think youve done everything to make the relationship work and YOU are still not happy, then leaving may be the best thing because HE/SHE aint changing. But of course its hard when there are kids and a long marriage and financial considerations. So everyday, you have to keep reminding yourself that you should get out of the relationship, or that you did the right thing in getting out. From the time I decided I should leave my spouse to the time I left her, it took me three years of counseling and looking at myself in the mirror, and even after I left, it was still hard. And its gonna be hard. Just know that. Its gonna be. But people shouldnt confuse the fact that its hard with the fact of whether or not they should leave. (Sorry for the long comment. I think your posts are really helpful to a lot of people and just wanted to chip in.)
I’m sorry in advance this is so long! I can’t say my reason was physical abuse or even screaming fights. He just makes everything my fault and doesn’t follow through on his promises. Um, that’s a little simplified. I really tried to make it work even though we separated before the baby came. I only recently decided it was okay to let go of my ‘ideal’ and what I thought a marriage should be when you have kids. Sometimes it’s better for a child to have a single parent who is happy than to be teaching them how to have toxic relationships as an adults in therapy! My turning point was when I realized I was protecting my son from toxic people but then was trying to force a relationship with a toxic person just bc he was his father!
Here’s my advice for the person in the email: You are not alone if you leave. You have family, and if not, build your friend network now. There are groups like meetup.com that can help you socialize with other single moms near you.
The financial part is the hardest about being a single mom. The cost of daycare is killer. Take advantage of any services you can and don’t be embarrassed. It can be humiliating at first but it’s only temporary! If you’ve been out of the job market a while, try temp agencies or go back to school! Open an account in just your name and make sure when you leave, you put half of what’s in a joint account in it! Otherwise you might not have access to your money later. Do not assume he will keep you on credit card accounts, etc. My ex took the car from me after I moved out. I came home from the store and it was gone 15 mins later! Absolutely go talk to a lawyer to find out what you can and can’t do.
Getting my divorce started wasn’t the hard part after he took the car and stopped giving me child support, finalizing it has been hardest! I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about it and that’s normal. There’s no guarantee your ex will follow the court orders to help financially, but it’s honestly better to know the court decided everything rather than hoping and begging for help! I hope that helps a little bit. Good luck!
The deciding factor for me was when I realized that if I heard the back door open and shut, I would automatically jump up and make like I was doing something constructive. If I was reading a book on the sofa, I would hide it under the cushions and pretend to be cleaning. Just to avoid the inevitable fight that comes with “what have you been doing all day”.
Life’s too short.
That is exactly was I do and I can’t take it anymore.
Foe me its been going on for 4 years and we have kids together he doesnt hit me but the shoves and the grabbing and yelling i cant take it anymore i dont know what to do or go i really need help im at my ends. help please?
I can’t believe that I am even here right now.
I have been married to who was my best friend for 3 years. After finding out that I have a genetic disorder that causes miss carriage and having 6 miscarriages we have an 8 month old son and I am 3 months pregnant.
My husband is an electrical worker and 2 years ago his friend was electrocuted and killed while standing in the bucket with my husband.
Before I had my son we were asked to adopt twin boys that were born to a mother that knew she was dying of breast cancer. We had all the paper work in line had been visiting the boys and then my husband changed his mind.
I feel like this chain of stressful events has contributed to our demise as a married couple.
We have both needed so much support and I feel like I have done all that I can to be loving and supportive to my husband and he has not does not and will not return the favor.
I have asked him to see a counselor I have made threat after threat to leave but he doesn’t take me seriously and he has no intention of getting help.
My husband has what I think is obsessive compulsive disorder. I’m not a Dr. So I don’t know for sure but he is obsessive about everything. Our cars, the house, the bills, our animals, the laundry, his hunting. He can never relax and he can’t understand why I want him to. He will not make time for me and our son unless I have a mental breakdown and by that time its no fun for me and is meaningless because I know he has other places he would rather be.
I work 25 hours per week outside the home and the 3 days I’m home I babysit- which is work, hard work. I am sick of being treated like I have the easy life.
My husband hunts morning and night every weekend, every hunting season. Before our baby I hunted frequently with him so I’m not anti hunting but we have a baby, a life, a family now that needs to trump hobbies at times, he just will not except that and he thinks I’m cruel for expecting him to slow down.
He will not wake up with our son at night either. I have been seriously sleep deprived and sick. I have laid in bed beside him sobbing because I’m so tired and he has literally purchased ear plugs and left our bedroom.
I was so in love with my husband. He has and is breaking my heart with his refusal to seek help or counseling I just don’t know what to do. He is also verbally abusive at times. Just saying things like you’re stupid. I have aloud myself to drop to that level at times too but I don’t want to fight anymore and I especially do not want my precious babies growing up in an unhappy home.
Advise please I feel so alone.
Binzer,
I have a very simuliar problem with my husband. I too work but full time, and have a 13 month old. My husband blames his job for many things. But he puts hunting first. Enough about me. I am just wondering how you are doing three months later?
It is so hard to make the decision to be alone. Making the decision is the hardest part. You will second guess your decision a hundred times. The tipping point for me came when I really he was never going to make me a priority in his life, and he was never going to change. This came after finding out that he was cheating on me and lying to me for three months while I was at home with our nine-month old daughter. He wouldn’t stop communicating with the other woman, he wouldn’t quit the job he was working where she worked too (he is a bartender in a restaurant, and could easily found another job) and he refused to stop partying. It was a heartbreaking decision to make. I wanted to make the best decision for my daughter. I wanted a family and a husband. I had to give up my dream of a life with this person who I thought loved me. I finally asked him to leave. I didn’t want my daughter to see me being treated that way by her father. I also want a life with a person who loves me and will make me a priority in his life. You have a right to be happy. Children should see their parents in healthy relationships with people who make them happy. I know it is really hard. But I also know that you are stronger than you think you are. You don’t really know what you can do until you have to do it. I look back over the last six months, and I am amazed at what I have done for myself and my daughter. You will surprise yourself with how strong you are.
im so tired of working and coming home to a husband who will just ignore me. i work, cook, clean, wash help my boy with his homework that my other son a bath while all he does is play is stupid x-box games. and remember in 6 months pregnant. he had back surgery last 2 months but i try so hard to make it work, i understand that he is still in pain but come on he doesnt seem to mind when he gets up and plays until i get ready to go to sleep at night to stop playing its atleast more than 6 hrs. i have put up with alot from him cheating to his surgery to his additude after surgery, he is very depresed and takes it out on me and my boys. i hate it his not suppose to make me cry i can hurt my baby like that. im just not going to put up with it any more.
It is so hard to make that decision, but for me I suddenly had a sense of peace about it, that I would rather face a lot of hard work alone as a single parent to 3 kids, than have that bad feeling in my gut every time my husband came home and disrupted our peace and happiness.
When I told the kids we were leaving because I didn’t like how daddy yells so much, my middle kid (7 years old at the time) said “I thought you didn’t mind when he yells at us”. That sealed it for me. Like another poster said above, what are you teaching your kids by supporting the toxic relationship between them and your spouse?
I wanted to quit a lucrative engineering career to become a writer with no assurance of income. My wife didn’t want me to. After a history of her controlling me, I realized I could no longer allow her to dictate how I spent the rest of my life. And that was it.
Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t about to put my family in financial strain. I worked my butt off to make sure we’d be well off before I made this career switch. And I spent years in counseling contemplating this decision. (btw – marriage counseling can only help two people communicate. It doesn’t help if one or the other has personal issues that need dealing with.)
Some books: “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”, “Should You Leave?”, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” (hence the title of my blog)
Divorce with kids involved is very hard. I usually advise people not to do it because if both parents stay inolved in raising the kids, any problems you had will still be there, and you’ll still be forced to deal with them. But if divorce is the only option, know that it’s possible, with a lot of work, to be happier in the end.
DadsHouse is so right. It’s very hard. I usually advise people not to do it as well. It’s heartbreaking and you are still in very close communication anyway. It adds financial strain, even to the best situations. I had a great job and house, but it still was stressful to be paying for and taking care of it all by myself. I deliberated my leaving for three years, because he was not trustworthy-and I still don’t trust him with much. But my daughter loves her father and I encourage their relationship as much as I can.
Good luck to the writer of that email…and we are out here.-people to talk to. Also, with age I’ve learned that gender differences are just so great-no matter who we are with, we will always have some level of conflict. It just depends how you deal with it.
Reading these posts I feel for all of you. Yes, I’m a guy. Yes I have feelings. I’m so sorry.
However, I have to ask: Didn’t you see this coming? You actually married these guys?
Now I know I’m stereotyping and please forgive me but I find that many, many women out there are more interested in the stud. The good looking guy. The guy who could be a model. The cute one. You name it. And, hey guys want the trophy. Why? After watching my two daughters date – now happily and I mean happily married, I watch them date these assholes that were good looking, but had absolutely no clue of life, how to be nice, how to treat a lady. But, knowing they had common sense I kept my mouth shut (most of the time) and it all worked out.
I married a model. Talk about arm candy. I met her in 1976 at a fashion show in NYC where I went because I was dating one of her friends. So happens we were introduced, this was on December 18th 1976. And we married on March 18th of 77. Exactly three months later. And we are still married today. It’s been 31 years now and still happy. How can that be? I wasn’t looking for anything other than a good time. I was home on vacation from the service, and just hanging with my friends. She wasn’t looking for anything either, just doing her job at a meet and greet after the show. we hit it off and we instantly new this was it.
I am not one of the aforementioned “model” type of men. I was in the Air Force, broke as a single guy can be and a little overweight. But I guess she saw through all the crap and saw ME.
Anyway, that’s my story. Sorry it’s so long. I guess my point is that sometimes, men and women just are attracted for all the WRONG reasons and everyone is surprised when things don’t work out.
best,
fatboyslimmed
Fatboyslimmed……nope…I didn’t see it coming…When we first began to date, all was well. He was not the arm candy…I was.
It wasn’t until we moved in together (after 3 yrs dating) that things began to slide. It was gradual, almost invisible..then it slowly increased but by then I was used to it, ‘numbed’ to it if you will. Then one day BAM…it was staring me in the face. But it was such a regular part of my life I began to believe what I was being told, how I was being treated, what I was being called. Things aren’t always black and white, there or gone. Sometimes, it creeps up on you when your defenses are down until something makes you look at it square in the face and find the strength to meet with it head on.
fatboyslimmed, I feel compelled to reply…for many reasons.
Thank you for being a guy and having feelings. Us women truly appreciate that combination.
Let’s say I can relate VERY WELL to this blog, and your reply struck a chord in me.
Since I’m probably pretty sensitive as far as this topic goes, I’ll apologize for sounding abrupt in advance.
I HATE when people ask questions like, “Didn’t you see this coming,” or, “How can you have married someone like that?” I’ve heard them both, generally after I’ve confided in someone about my unfavorable situation. Not only does this make me feel absolutely ridiculous, I feel like the blame is being put on me AGAIN (since generally, that’s how it goes around my house) for someone else’s behavior.
Let me start by saying this. Unfortunately, there are TONS of women who have a great relationship with a man that immediately changes, either right after they get married (my case) or right after they have children with the person. In can be a cultural thing, a total out of the blue thing, but it’s definitely a totally sucks thing.
Especially when there is evidence of abuse in a relationship (emotional or physical) it may not show up until much later on, and in the case of emotional abuse (something I’ve experienced) it often creeps up slowly, unnoticed, until the person feels like they’re going crazy.
I happened to meet my husband after getting out of a crappy relationship, going through counseling, and at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything. I was getting my masters, had a great life, and felt very good about myself. Our relationship progressed fairly quickly, and was very easy. Little to no fighting, we enjoyed each others company, and were very deep in love. Although I was intensely attracted to him, it was not based on looks. I’ve dated “bad guys” and was SO over it at the point I met him. Did I miss teeny warning signs here and there? Possibly, but going back to evaluate the past will drive me crazy. I’m a fairly intelligent and intuitive person, and feel like I can read people very well. In fact, that’s basically what I do for a living.
All this nonsense just to say this….
When women have an experience like this, the last thing we need is more judgement or blame. Not sure if you meant to come across like this, but you did. I’ve had my family and some of my (now former) friends do this, so I guess I can understand it to a certain degree, but please….choose your words carefully.
mssinglemama, THANK YOU for this post. a million times.
“What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence?”
It’s better to eat rice and beans, than to suffer emotionally for the rest of your life. Financially, its very difficult for single parents. There’s no getting around that fact. However, I think having an emotionally distraught marriage/parenting team is far worse for your children than not being able to afford the luxuries.
Love > Food for me.
I had been thinking about leaving about a month before my daughter was born.
I was pretty sure I was leaving when my daughter was 2 months old.
I started actually planning ahead officially to leave when DD was 6 months old. The day my ex told me I was worthless, I was not okay, and I wouldn’t be able to survive without him.
I filed when DD was 18 months.
I can’t vouch for anyone else’s financial situation, but I gave up a good job and support system to “work on the marriage”. It was all right there waiting for me the moment I made a couple phone calls. I got lucky. I’m better off financially and emotionally without the ex.
To me, it’s easier and less stress doing this by myself than it ever was with the ex around, being married, having to follow his rules, and try to keep up his image.
strangely I know exactly how you feel. I was in a long term relationship with a turner-arounder. Though she worked her ass off at the office the house was always a mess. And a non-existant social life matched with constant depression.
I am so sorry for your situation….i hope you find in life what is best for you.
Man oh man… after reading a number of these comments, I’m feeling pretty guilty for having survived the ups and downs of married life thus far. It’s not always easy, but we do respect each other. That seems to be missing in a number of the marrianges/relationships written about above.
I don’t get dadshouse, tho. Maybe I don’t have enough info from the dude to form an informed opinion.
I came to believe that the risk being on my own, with no guarantees but the possibility of something better, was more appealing than staying in a predictably flat-lined marriage.
I left my baby’s father after living with him for almost two years. I can relate about turning things around. He always turns things around on me. He has turned it around to make the break up my fault. He told me that he wasn’t happy with me since before my baby was born and gave me all the reasons why it was my fault. I told him to leave. I agree with mssinglemama that “being in that relationship with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother”. I left him when my son was 6 months old. My son is now 11 months old. I couldn’t imagine being with him now. He was charming and did so much for me in the beginning, and then when I became pregnant, he started becoming emotionally abusive. He would call me names and yell at me for no reason. I am a feminist and I have my master’s in psychology. I thought I would never be in a situation like this. I was very ill during my pregnancy and almost died. He was minimally helpful at that time and then became more interested in his own interests when our baby was born. I had to do everything myself. I worked about 50 hours a week and I did everything around the house too. I would nurse the baby then beg him to watch him while I shoveled snow, mowed the lawn, cleaned house, or took a shower. He helped if he felt like it. If he didn’t feel like helping, I would just have to deal with it. It is SO MUCH BETTER knowing that I will have do everything that needs to be done but I don’t have to deal with him! I have an advanced degree, but I make $33,000 a year, which is better than some, but still hard. I am taking him to court for child support which in Illinois is 20% and medical insurance. He is trying to get out of it. I can’t stress this enough… It is rough, but it is so much better than having to deal with him every day. People in my life help me more because I am a single mom.
sauer kraut – what did you not get about what I wrote? Happy to explain more. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. Basically at some point I wanted to follow heart and do work I was passionate about, rather than do what was logical. I think a lot of writers/artists/musicians might relate to that.
fatboyslimmed – you asked “Didn’t you see this coming? You actually married these guys?” I think when people fall in love, a lot of times there are subconscious triggers firing that they don’t see. So, the answer is no, they didn’t see it coming. These triggers later become hot buttons getting pressed like crazy. A lot of times people come together as a couple just so they can work on stuff that needs to be subconsciously worked on. Divorce without facing those issues means you have to work on them later with someone else. What you resist will persist.
A Message To Single Mom’s: Be clear on the goal.
I work with people who marry, have a child, then find out the person they shopped for did a bait and switch it seems. They fall “out” of love, “drift apart”, “grow apart” whatever they call it. What eventually happens is the mom feels lonely after the divorce or incomplete and she starts the search for a new man. I’ve spent time with these moms who don’t want to be single moms. I’ve found they are not clear on their mission. The pain of raising their small kids alone is more than they can endure.
It’s suffocating they tell me. They need relief. A dad, a man, provides that relief. Problem is, mom’s need to find a guy who will love a child who is not his. In my professional opinion of working with bad and dying marriages for years, single mom’s need to get clear on the goal. The goal then is to find a “nice guy”. In their twenties, girls usually don’t go for nice guys.
Nice guys don’t excite, they don’t provide “sparks”, they don’t play games very well, they don’t “turn girls on”. In fact, if you ask some women – they’re boring.
But after a divorce and living with their biological children and no helper, the new search for a man begins. Should the old rules apply in the dating scene where sex appeal, romance and a knight in shining armor is the goal?
Lori Gottlieb, author of the March Atlantic Monthly article “Marry Him” says no. She kept turning men down till she got impatient for a child and had a sperm donor make her baby possible. Now she regrets it. Her advice is “settle” for a nice guy. If you care to, read more about Lori’s opinion at my blog…
http://fulfilledcouple.com/blog/?m=200803
DON'T SETTLE FOR THE 'NICE GUY'. My husband is the nice, loyal christian that would always take care of his family. There's a lot more behind the 'nice guy' that isn't so nice.
My husband was “the nice guy”. The guy that I went to school with my entire life and ignored while I dated the jocks.
After having my heartbroken by the “popular” guys time and time again I fell in love with my husband- a farmer. A soft spoken jokster. A hard worker. My husband is a lot of good things just not a very good husband. I suppose I didn’t see it coming because how can you know exactly what kind of husband a guy will be. Its a leap and sometimes we fall!
Larry:
I don’t think any one of us (other than Lori Gottlieb) ever sought out to become a single mom. It’s not easy. But these marriages, including mine, were harder.
I didn’t divorce a Mr. Good Enough. I wouldn’t have divorced a Mr. Good Enough. As Gottlieb writes, her definition of a “good enough” man is a decent guy who takes out the garbage, and brings home a salary.
And yes, it’s hard and often “suffocating” to be a single mother. And yes, finding someone to love my biological child like his own would be a welcome relief – but I’m not sitting around waiting for it to happen. What if it doesn’t? What if I marry a Mr. Good Enough who actually makes my life worse?
And it’s funny because Lori Gottlieb herself, acknowledges that “settling” isn’t so easy after you’ve had a child:
“And while I have a much higher tolerance for settling than I did back then, now I have my son to consider. It’s one thing to settle for a subpar mate; it’s quite another to settle for a subpar father figure for my child. So while there’s more incentive to settle now, there’s less willingness to settle too much, because that would be a disservice to my son.”
I just think it’s funny that you’re referencing a single mom who still hasn’t even found Mr. Right, let alone Mr. Good Enough…and one who has never been married.
What should our goal be then? I’m quite confused and a bit dumbfounded by your comment. Should our goal then be to find a man?
Perhaps you should counsel your single moms that maybe the relief they seek is not in a man at all – but within themselves.
I don’t think the ‘goal’ of a single mom should be to find a daddy for her kid. First of all, they already have one (even if the dad is not so great). I believe they should have strong male figures to look up to, but not a replacement parent. Its wrong to try and replace the father, even if you hate the father’s guts and he doesn’t parent like you would or seem to have much interest. When the child is old enough, they will see the difference between a parent who loves them and works their butt off for them and a parent who doesn’t put forth any effort into being a parent. Besides, I know that NO ONE can replace me as my daughter’s mother and I would be furious if my ex even tried to. I don’t have any respect for my ex-husband, but he is the father and you just don’t do that. If you could just pick and choose who is your family, I think a lot of people would have voted off quite a few relatives long ago. Your family is your family. Period.
As for the main concern of the post…I never would have been able to do it financially or emotionally without my family. I can never pay them back for the support they gave me (and I don’t mean money). The most important thing, I think, to have is someone who’s got your back, someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation, who is only looking out for YOU. You feel like you are in a whirlwind of emotion and you’ll want to do stupid things (like try to get through them “one more time” that you are serious about divorce, but its not too late, if only they’d really HEAR what you are saying and whats wrong with the relationship).
The man I married was NOT the man I divorced. We’d known each other at 14 years old and dated for a year and half. We stayed friends all those years. We got together again and married at 21. So, I’d known my husband for 7 years prior to marrying him and I knew him well, especially in those formative times. He respected me as a person, a woman, a friend. Our marriage was great. We never fought, always got along, laughed at each other’s jokes, etc.
We planned to have a child when I was 22. I mean PLANNED. I got off birth control for over a year and we were very careful. We talked about what we would do in various parenting situations, what our roles would be (he’s good at math, I’m good at science and English, so I’d help kiddo with the subjects I’m good at; I’m not good at ‘bossing people around’, so he’d be ‘bad cop’).
When I was 23 we started trying and right out of the gate, we got pregnant. He was so happy and excited…until my belly, according to him, “was looking kind of gross”. I was already an insecure person about my looks, so getting vivid purple stretch marks on a ever-growing belly freaked me out…without having him confirm my insecurities. As the pregnancy went on, the more disconnected he became from me. I didn’t have cravings, mood swings, etc. My pregnancy was very easy, other than having myself and my husband make me feel like a disgusting blob incubator for our baby.
And then BAM…just like so many other people, my husband became VERY selfish and all about himself. Constantly wanted to go out and party and leave me and the baby home. He wouldn’t come home at night. He’d barely play with her after work, then leave 5 minutes after he came home and go back out and “hand out with his friends”. This guy was SO EXCITED to become a dad, he seemed so family oriented. He left us without a car, took any money I had made, left us stranded while he went out and partied…and, I didn’t know it at the time, but go cheat on me with some girl he had met on his route.
From the start of the pregnancy, he began to change gradually, and also gradually changed how he treated me. I have a personality that is “I try to make everyone happy, even at my own expense”. Little by little he brainwashed me to accept more behavior that no one else would have stood for (going to the strip club right after work, then not coming home until 3 am). He worked on my self-esteem (especially after baby came and I didn’t immediately bounce back to my 120 pound self). It really was so gradual that it was invisible. He turned my into a doormat with his manipulations.
If I had an insecurity that I wouldn’t be a good mom, he would feed into that and encourage my insecure thoughts. If I asked him if I was still attractive to him, he’d find a way to make me feel bad about my appearance, especially those stretch marks (I really wasn’t too bad, stretch marks and all).
When did I finally stand up for myself? Never, actually. I finally stood up for my daughter. I think I was too brainwashed to do that. When I confronted him on various things, such as “I don’t have a car and you are never here. What if something happens to our daughter” and his response was “Call an ambulance”. When he spent all of our money on going to the bar every night and at strip clubs, yet we can’t afford new clothes for our daughter. When I realized that me and my daughter were living in poverty, yet his $900 a week check was all going toward him and his party lifestyle and we had no food in the house, no car.
He was never home. He BEGGED me to have a child this early (I had wanted to wait until we were more financially stable; we lived with his parents throughout the pregnancy and for 4 months after baby was born). THEN, he turns around and wants the Single Man Lifestyle…but he wants us waiting for him at home if he ‘feels like’ playing with the baby, or if his family is coming by, he’ll pretend he spends all this quality time with her, that he’s actually home sometimes. He was gone 5 out of 7 days a week…and here he was playing it up for photo ops and family that he’s a ‘family man’. His family, when I divorced him, were absolutely floored and had no idea what me and my daughter had been going through for 17 months. They had no idea he was cheating on me, spending all of our money on himself and partying and not providing for me or his daughter whatsoever.
I finally demanded he stay home at least 4 days a week with his family, fix the car so I would have one, and stop taking the money I’d make online for his overdraft fees and partying. He basically denied he was gone as much as he was, said it’d only been a month that the car had been broken (it was SIX MONTHS) and got defensive and said that I can’t have any of HIS paycheck if I was going to get all pissy about him taking MY money. I told him he was financially irresponsible, constantly overdrafting our account, not getting the bills paid on time, etc., he denied. He denied there being any problems with him as a father, a husband, a provider and said that all the problems lay with me, essentially a single mom even though I technically had a husband. I did all the raising, feeding, getting up in the night, the parenting, the cleaning. I mean EVERYTHING…while he was gone for 5-6 days a week partying and cheating on me while I raised the child he has so desperately claimed to want to have and be a father to.
I realized it would be hard to break off my relationship with HIM…but not so much break off financially from him. I was pretty much already a single parent (he only played with our daughter for a few minutes when he was home; usually, he slept the whole time he was home, then ran out again). My mother was willing to let us stay with her. My sister and her husband came over and fixed my van (my sister had given it to me). Once a had a vehicle, I had my mom watch my daughter while I a) opened a checking account he didn’t know about at another bank in only my name and b) filed for aid from the state and b) filed for divorce. Throughout taking all those big first steps, I would call someone and tell them, “Remind me again that I can do this, why I’m doing it, keep me and my car going in the direction of the courthouse” and they did. They could see how he was treating me and wanted to get me and my daughter out of a bad situation.
I flip-flopped on my decision many times (only in my head though, I would not allow myself to get emotional and drop the divorce; he wasn’t getting better or changing). I still loved him deeply, did not want to believe he was cheating or that he could be a man that would treat his wife and daughter this way. I wanted the family I had created to stay together, to make it work. But…I knew I had tried like hell and tried EVERYTHING to make it work. But, its like rowing a boat. If only one oar is dipping in the water, you aren’t going to go in any direction except a circle.
Sorry so long winded, but my point was that this new spouse sneaks up on you. This is not the kid I knew when I was 14, this is not the man I married at 21, and this is not the person who’d been my friend and ally for all those years. So no, I didn’t have a clue, especially because of his brainwashing (and I really do mean that – if someone said something bad about how he treated me, I was conditioned to defend him and find a reason/excuse for why he would treat me that way).
And once I filed the divorce papers, he became a complete MONSTER. Even I never would have guessed the viciousness inside of him. He would do things that in the long run would hurt our daughter, just to get back at me. He never imagined the dog he kicked would finally just up and leave instead of continuing to take it. He was /insulted/ that his doormat would just say “You know what, enough is enough. Stop treating me like crap. I’m leaving”. And so he attacked and attacked, and maintained a “I’m a mature adult who only had a friendship with this woman and my ex-wife was just the ‘jealous type’”. No, I wasn’t the jealous type, and I didn’t know who the woman he was cheating with me was until he told me he was moving in with her once I filed for divorce.
My sister gave me this advice: “If you can’t picture yourself old on the porch with him 20 years from now…heck, if you can’t picture a good relationship with him sitting on the porch a YEAR from now…you need to leave, even if it will be hard on you”.
My ex-husband’s mother gave me this advice (though she probably never imagined I’d apply it to this): DON’T PUT UP WITH SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN PUT UP WITH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I just couldn’t put up with any more crap. I became the type of person that would take A LOT of emotional and psychological abuse and lived with it….but honestly, ex-husband just pushed his boundaries too far, pushed me to far. I hope this helps someone who was in a situation like I was. I swear to you, it is scary and hard (mostly at first) but I LOVE my life. I don’t just tolerate it – I LOVE MY LIFE and it is MINE now! No one controls me anyone. I do what I want and I feel my daughter is way happier now (she doesn’t have to have an absent dad, since he’s required to take her and it would look bad to his family if he didn’t take the time with her the court gave him; she doesn’t have to see Mommy sobbing every single day and upset — she used to hug me a lot to comfort ME, her mother – that’s not the way its supposed to be!).
The first 3 months were the hardest, but nothing could have been more worth it. I’m extremely proud of myself for leaving a horrible marriage and doing the right thing by my daughter. We are conditioned to think that “staying for the kids” is the right thing. It’s not. Holding a baby while having a screaming match at your spouse is NOT the right thing. We are conditioned to think that a family is “Mom, Dad, kids” but it doesn’t HAVE TO BE. My daughter and I think of our family as “Two against the world”. Its just me and my kiddo. She senses her dad’s lack of interest in her, she knows that Mommy would do anything for her and tries her best FOR HER. Being a mom is the biggest thing defining me and I love it.
I know she senses the changes in me. Instead of a weak, crying doormat mother…she’s sees my real personality. She’s seeing that Mommy can be funny and goofy, that’s she’s good at Buzz Lightyear impersonations, that Mommy is happy and confident and fun and capable. She’s is seeing the me I wished I could’ve been when I was married, but her dad was crushing the spirit right out of me.
I get huge hugs and lots of affection (I’m an affectionate person and taught her to be one). She knows she can count on me, even if she can’t count on her dad. She sees a strong, capable, and even fun woman who happens to be her Mommy.
If you are seriously unhappy and seriously considering divorce, and you’ve tried everything to keep your marriage and NOT throw in the towel, and you are the only one trying…yeah, its time. It will be worth it. Hard, but VERY worth it.
Question now is: What man?
misssinglemama, I was responding, I think, to women who think of themselves, their own feelings, their own loneliness and then think of their children next or second.
I sometimes weary trying to get through to these ladies and that’s why my comment about being clear on the goal sounded the way it did. You obviously are not one of those women. Your goal is to consider what KIND of man your son will be influenced by. I love it! I wish more single mothers believed the way you do. Best of all I liked your comment about seeking something within themselves. You’re exactly right.
That’s where you attract who you attract. I teach a course called Becoming An Environment Changer and 80% of my students are men whose wives are threatening to divorce them. The minority of my students are women whose husbands are acting immorally yet these women still want to hold on to their marriages. These are very determined women. Not like the single moms I first referred to.
Per your suggestion, I cannot counsel every single mom that “the relief they seek is not a man but is within themselves”. My experience verifies to me that the majority of women are not ready to hear your message or even to apply it to themselves. They are what I think of as “non-students”.
OMG when my mother (of course) being the feminist matriarch that she is, brought me that “Marry him” article, she was outraged and shocked at the notion of “settling” just for the sake of having a partner in life. I thought the article was honest and there were some parts that rang so true in my ears.
My philosophy is that we, as Americans, are so used to having our needs met, at the exact time we want them met, WHEN we want them met, with WHOEVER we want them met with…that we have set up an impossible situation when it comes to being a partner with someone. NO ONE is gonna have thier wishes fufilled ALL the time in a relationship, but we are so….dare I say,,,,selfish….in the “Its MY right” and “I’m entitlled to” way of thinking.
Its hard to sacrifice much of yourself when you are so used to instant gratification.
Stream of conciousness for ya.
looking back on things i’ll admit there were warning signs, but i was in love and hopeful and i guess pretty stupid. hey, at least i can admit it. i over looked a lot of things in the 12 years of my marriage. i just wanted things to work out and i thought i’d be a failure if they didn’t. then i realized that my real failure was staying in an unhappy marriage and seeing it effect my children.
final straw: 2 months after the stillbirth of my son (well, sons. it was an undetected acardiac pregancy) i changed. the death of my baby was a huge slap in the face and i realized that life is short – way too short to stay in a marriage where no one is happy. when i told him he agreed and we decided to get divorced. we’re in the process now and we get along so much better. it’s really weird. financially i’m better off – he was a spender and very impulsive.
2 Groups
Hanna, you are one of those people who are aware of the problem of selfishness. You are keenly tuned into the idea that demanding what you want and focusing on yourself not only disappoints, but instant gratification is also a mistake in human relations 101.
I was amazed at how you divided your belief from your mother’s reaction to Lori Gottlieb’s article. She, being the feminist and matriarch, was outraged at the idea of accepting something less for some greater good. You on the other hand see a greater good and are willing to put off getting your way. You must take after your dad.
Misssinglemama of this blog is cut from your same cloth because she mentioned above, what I think is a profound and wise statement about another single mom when she said “the relief they seek Is not a man, but is within themselves.” It’s almost like you can divide the world between those who are not aware of their own selfishness and how dominant it is in their life, and those who are highly aware of being self centered and how much they don’t want to live that way. Group 1 could be called “What About Me Now?!”, and Group 2 could be called “Consider At All Sides”.
Even if I’m keenly tuned to our society’s problem of self-centeredness, I still don’t know what to do with it. I’m still conflicted by it.
I was raised in a feminist home, where I was taught to value myself, and that my needs and wants shouldn’t be brushed aside for the sake of someone else’s. I was taught to stand up for my rights, and claim my independence.
This philosophy, of course, was met with open hostility when I entered the dating world, because who wants to be competing with their partner about who’s needs get met first? Why should it have to be a debate on who is more important, or who isn’t being respected enough? Can’t it just be about two people who love each other? And was it ever like that?
I put my needs aside 9 out of 10 times with my daughter’s father, and it failed miserably. Would things have been different if I had followed my mother’s philosophy? I guess I’ll never know.
Larry -
I think more women are open to hearing that they don’t need a man than you may think, or that society thinks.
All we hear (movies, tv, books) is that we all need a man to feel fulfilled, that we need romance…a husband. What if there were several voices, not just mine, telling women that they first have to be one with themselves and that men are actually quite a pain in the ass!
: )
Anyway, thanks for your comments – appreciate you weighing in on this and that goes for everyone! Love this discussion.
And Hanna – you’re mom sounds awesome. And yes – I think there can be genderless relationships, just depends on how we look at them. Feel like that a lot b/c I’m such a darn alpha-female.
Missinglemamma, you ID’d yourself as a “darn alpha-female” so from that I’ll conclude that you’re quite a strong woman, know what ought to be and should be and you make sure that the people in your life know your opinion and the way things should be done. I’m married to your sister. I call my Marsha the strongest willed woman in the world.
You mentioned that you feel like it would be good to have genderless relationships and I can see why you’d feel that way. Most women are not “alpha-female” strong women. Instead, they are like Hana.
Hana nurtures naturally, she’s sensitive, warm, compassionate and hurt when others hurt. She feels what other people are feeling, cares what people close to her think and she wants to be accepted by everyone that matters. She’s uncomfortable with conflict, puts the needs of others ahead of her own and cares a lot because she can’t help but care. That’s why Hana explained her strong mother’s belief system and contrasted it with her softhearted ways. I know Hana is softhearted and fits this description because I’m the same way and I married a woman like her mom. It was a massive shock to me 33 years ago when I realized who I married.
It would be great if strong women didn’t have to deal with the attitude and push back they get simply because they are strong willed. Like you, missinglemamma, they know what they want, they know what’s right and what’s wrong and they will fight back for what they believe in. When they marry a guy who does not fit what they believe a man should be, most of the time I’ve found, these strong women, with less patience, weigh their options and choose divorce rather than dive into a reclamation project to transform their troubled man. My strong wife, on the other hand, choose a reclamation project and saved me (troubled man) from certain death…which was the sad lives of my brother and sister. I would have ended up that way if she gave up on me. It was highly painful for both of us, took 27 years but she got the job done. Now we’re best friends and actually happy together. I married her the year Nixon was impeached and fell in love with her when the second Bush was elected.
I have lots more to say on this but I do tend to ramble so I’ll cap it right here.
Wow Larry – that’s really amazing! I am so glad you shared that story. I do think I will need someone who compliments my strong will … you know?
But as you probably know from your wife by now – us strong alpha-females also have a very, very tender inside (at least I do). And I choose to share that with men who take the time to understand and know me … and those are usually the best kind of men because they aren’t intimidated or insecure.
On the strong women usually leaving their marriage, rather than buckling down and working on it … this was not the case. In fact, being married opened my eyes … I surprised myself in that I was incredibly flexible, bending, molding…trying so hard to make it work.
The language barrier didn’t help. Not sure if you read up but my Ex and I married after only 3 months (he needed a green card and we were in love.) Sigh.
I can relate with so many of these posts. My husband is selfish, inconsiderate, and very disrespectful. It first started with emotional abuse; name calling, telling me I was nothing. After a couple of years it turned into physical abuse; although, I can say he has only hit me a few times. I have a two year old son and he is the only reason I stay. I do not want my sons life to be any less than what it could be just because I could not handle my circumstances. I’m so unhappy and wish for more; but, honestly is the grass any greener on the other side? Is it really worth uprooting your family and setting new roots?
Is the grass greener?
I too had an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive husband – and yes, it’s definitely greener. With that said – we are each different. And every circumstance is different.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you exhausted all options? There is always hope, I think, for any marriage if both sides are willing to make it work …
I asked myself a few questions when deciding whether to leave my ex.
1. Do I want my son to grow up and treat women this way?
2. Am I really happy?
3. Do I want him to witness a divorce when he’s older?
I always say – and so do a lot of single moms who read this blog – being a single mom is hard, but being in a miserable marriage is harder. But you have to be strong … don’t expect a prince charming to pop out of the sky.
Good luck! Please keep us posted.
HelpPlease,
I’ve been working with couples for many years and I’ve seen something very simple. In virtually every husband’s situation, he treated his wife the exact way his father treated his mother. He discovers this when I ask the husband this specific question “How did your father show you to treat a woman by the way he treated your mother?” This question produced what I call the Mother Lode of Marriage. This is the master program in his brain that guides every action and decision he makes regarding his wife. It’s right on target every time.
Take a look at some of the Mother Lode of Marriage programs, summed up in a single sentence by each guy himself. By the way, in each of these marriages, the husband was a big part of the marriage misery. Here’s some of the Mother Lode master programs I’ve found in real men raised by fathers who didn’t know how to be.
-Be self absorbed and unaware of her needs. -Do what I want and be submissive to me. -Women are dangerous so keep them at a distance. -Control her every move and then have power and security. -Attack her if you feel attacked and run from trouble.
You can see that by asking a man the question “How did your father show you to treat a woman by the way he treated your mother?” you will eventually come up with a single summary statement that sums up how that guy’s father lived regarding his wife. Men are completely and totally unaware of this, and certainly, they cannot see it clearly. You should be aware of it and ask your husband the question, but do it when he’s calm. His answer will tell you about your future with him.
From your missinglemamma email, it’s easy to see your husband’s father had a temper. Your husband has a temper. He can’t control it and that’s why you’re suffering today. There is an answer, but not all men are interested in it. They’d rather be a slave to their childhood programs.
You are right, my husbands father is extremely mean to his wife. However, my husband wasn’t always this way to me. He didn’t start until after returning home from the military. I keep telling him he needs to get help; but he won’t. Anyways, I think the reason I am so unhappy is becaue he is so selfish. Whenever I give charity or say I feel sorry for someone he gets mad at me. We married when I was only 18 and I don’t think I really knew who I was. Now I have changed so much and I just can’t see where he fits.
PleaseHelp – will he go to marriage counseling???
The hard part is knowing when to decide that the work has been put in to save the marriage but it won’t work. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and was in danger of being both victim and perpetrator of actions like you describe. It’s been a big source of blog therapy
I put my foot down and said that I was leaving because I couldn’t stand the anger and abuse that was being unleashed on me for reasons that were nothing to do with me. I was a good dad and husband.
Somehow, as if awakened from a spell, my wife came to and realized that she had her fair share of blame to take in all of it. That was five years ago and inexplicably, we got back together and have survived without any of the previous ups and downs.
All marriages will have them,…but the question is what lies beneath them.
I love your blog and I will be back.
PleaseHelp- My son’s father acts like his father too. He is controlling, emotionally abusive, and thinks he is always right. I kicked him out 5 months ago, and the stress level is so much more manageable now. I struggle with daily stuff that goes along with raising a 12 month old son and working full time with an 1 1/2 hour commute every day. The job barely pays the bills, but I have so much peace at home. It is impossible to express how much happier I am. Guys are NEVER that way in the beginning. No one would marry them if they were! You cannot have your son growing up thinking this is how you treat women. That is how we ended up in this situation. Because my son’s paternal grandmother and your mother in law put up with it and our children’s fathers learned how to treat women from that. BREAK THE CYCLE! Also… you are minimizing the physical abuse. If it happened a couple times, it will happen again, and it will get worse. If he won’t get help, you have to leave.
Reading the comments here, it sounds like all the men were terrible and women helpless victims. It takes two to dance, eh?
In MY experience, I found that it can be easy to get caught up in the whole “romance model” pushed by popular culture, especially when it comes to marriage and having children. I make a distinction between romance (at least what it’s called nowadays) and passion. “Romance” is often empty gestures pushed by the greeting card and wedding industry, while passion (lovers) tempered by mutual respect (friends)is the fertile soil where a long term relationship can be nurtured.
Marriage as an institution has failed many, and often couples see having children as a way to have a closer bond and then are dismayed by how it can create distance between them.
More on this in my blog:
A Case Against Marriage: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/a-case-against-marriage/
A Case Against Having Any or More Children: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/04/01/a-case-against-having-any-or-more-children/
hmmm…..Softhearted…I’m a Pisces, what can I say? I hope one day I can find my assertive counterpart that doesn’t rip that softheartedness to shreds. I’ll be damned if I let that happen again. I guess my softheartedness is more of a soft underbelly now, I’ve grown a few scales since then.
After reading all these stories, it seems that most women here dumped their baby’s father during pregnancy or relatively soon after it.
I wonder how much of these can be attributed to the emotional roller coaster that comes with a pregnancy, for both parties. Due to my gf’s line of work, I’ve become quite knowledgable on that subject. For many men, a pregnancy (during and after) can make their partner lose sexual appeal. Some are even left lightly traumatized after watching their woman give birth. I’m not saying it’s right or not, but it is frequent. This might cause the man to withdraw. A man may withdraw even more after the child is born as it requires a lot of attention. Some will do it by hiding…staying longer hours at work for example. Others will start being needy to get attention. Others will simply sit around, clueless and helpless. Remember that us men do not carry the child. Being a father becomes a tangible reality pretty much overnight and the shock and transition does not go smoothly for all men. Going from irresponsable teenager to father can make some guys short circuit temporarily.
Add to that a very exhausted mother who’s constantly busy with a newborn. Throw in some post-partum (which is more frequent – to different levels – than people think) and you got the perfect combinations for a break up.
I’m not judging anyone here but all those divorce stories are alike, here or elsewhere. A child arrives. The man withdraws. The woman dumps him. Fin.
I wonder how many of those marriages would’ve been saved had those couples given it more time to adjust and had they been supported by qualified people.
I’m defenitly not implying anyone here should second-guess their decisions. That’s just stupid. I just wonder, from a sociological point of view if you will, if people were more prepared for that specific adaptation period, would more of them work it out rather than dump each others?
I don’t know AlLaf. I think a lot of what you described about what the man goes through makes sense. My ex said he saw my insides all taken out. That can’t be very sexy. I also had to nurse all the time because our child was premature so he didn’t get a lot of attention. I tried to explain to him it was temporary and we would get through it. He went out all the time and had people over at the house constantly. He ended up telling me on my baby’s 6 month birthday that he hadn’t been happy since before I was pregnant. That we had different religious backgrounds (he is Catholic and I am Pagan), and that he couldn’t stand to be around me. He said that the sound of my voice made him sick and that he didn’t feel he could leave because his parents would kill him. So I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I had to kick him out. He said he wanted to stay out of convenience because all of his stuff was here and it would be a hassle to move. This was such a kick in the teeth because I was so busy working 50 hours a week, taking care of the house (by myself.. even stuff like shoveling snow in between nursing. I never got sleep because he woke every couple hours for feedings until he was 10 months old. He also turned emotionally abusive after I got pregnant, but I still stayed with him until he gave me the break up talk. Then I did what I felt I had to do.
Hi, I am glad to have found this site. I have gotten to the point where I cannot put up with my husband any more. I believe that he has slowly changed in the five years that we have been married. First of all, he blames me for everything, and he is never at fault even when it is blatantly obvious that he is! We have five children in our home, three of them ours and two from my first marriage. My marriage was “arranged” in that we did not date before marriage. Over the years, he has become more and more argumentative, self righteous, and condescending. He constantly makes fun of my weight, saying hurtful things like “Wanna burger?” everytime we pass a fast food joint. I have told him to stop doing this, but when I do, he insists that he is joking and that I should lighten up. He also makes a point to tell me how the women that he works with flirt with him. Maybe he wants me to know that he is “marketable” and I am not.
What has me most disturbed now is that he actually seems to enjoy going to work and working more that spending time with his family. He says he does not, but even I notice that he oftern mopes around the house, dozing off and then seems to pep back up when it comes time to get ready for work.
We cannot carry on a productive conversation anymore, especially when I have a problem with something that he has done. If I try to talk with him about it, he manages to turn every conversation back around to placing blame with me.
I can’t live with this kind of indifference and emotional abuse any longer. At first I was concerned about the kids but someone brought up a good point about forcing the kids to witness daily a bad relationship or see mom happy even if she is single.
My kids are all young too, and I don’t really know how I am going to financially make it on my own, but I am ready to try.
Michelle – I am sending you big virtual hugs and hoping things get better. A single mom of five! Now that would be tough … but yes, you can do it. First … exhaust all options, have you tried marriage counseling? Have you told him how you feel?
There are a few sites, like Larry’s that offer marriage counseling for just one spouse – meaning you could try it alone. You never know, there might be things you can do to actually change his behavior. Here is Larry’s website:
http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/
Good luck!
Thank you to all of you!! I found your blog searching the internet, as after 12 years of marriage, i am ready to leave, but i was not quite sure where to start with my 2 children, no job and not being a US citizen!
Basically, my husband is verbally abusive and childish and all he cares about is getting in between my legs even after knowing that i have not been sexually attracted to him for almost 5 years. Whenever I say no, he gets upset by throwing tantrums and mentally it scares me.. I don’t like yelling and arguing.
Since i have no family in the US, i am planning on going back home, in Europe but i do not want to be arrested for kidnapping.. so scary!!!! i am so scared and worried of hurting my children by leaving the household/ breaking the family.
But thank you to all of you for the posts as they help me see clearly about my future endeavors …
I think that surely a crucial deciding factor must be the future emotional welfare of the children involved. The model of an adult relationship they are shown will influence them for the rest of their lives. You can’t hide from your kids. They see and hear things that their parents don’t realize they see and hear, and they construct their own lives based on what they learn. Children of a dysfunctional and unloving relationship are unlikely to develop genuine capacity for healthy intimacy as adults, and they are also likely to mimic the parent with whom they have the stronger emotional bond.
This is why we see patterns of codependency and emotional/physical abuse in families, generation after generation. Children learn from their parents. As hard as it might be for a child to change a living situation, it’s a better option than having that child exposed to an unloving or abusive relationship.
All of this presupposes, of course, that the parent who gets custody will then make the child a priority, rather than immediately seeking to enter into another relationship that might be just as bad or worse. I see an awful lot of single parents who don’t seem to realize that they have their entire lives to date, and only one chance to be fully available to a child during that child’s most vulnerable and formative years. But that’s a different topic.
Wow! I just got through reading all of the above, and I’m overwhelmed by all the heartaches as well as deeply impressed by all the courage expressed in them.
As a survivor from a seriously dysfunctional family myself, I am torn on the issue of whether my parents should have split up before my dad finally died, making their marriage a “successful” one till death did they part.
On the one hand, my mom often says she used to be a nice, sweet person till all all her fighting with Dad for so many years ruined her and turned her into the hateful, abusive, nagging, borderline psychotic woman that she became. On the other hand, she never really meant to leave him, although she put up a good show about every month or so, ever since I can remember until a few months before he died of liver cancer (due in part to his alcoholism and raging temper). One of her biggest regrets when he died is that she wished she hadn’t nagged him so much during his life. She quickly jumped into another mutually-abusive relationship with another man and has been threatening periodically to leave him ever since — since 1992!
I’ll never know if I and my 3 younger sisters could have had a better life or had a chance to not end up bulimic, anorexic, compulsive overeater, workaholic, depressed, codependent, and suicidal if my parents had actually split up. I worried for years that, if they did, I and my sisters would end up at the mercy of the foster care system.
But, I know that all 4 of us girls put up with the worst relationships of our own for too long, and I am sure part of that was b/c we kept telling ourselves, “Well, at least this guy isn’t as bad as our Dad.” Jeez! You’d think we could aim a bit higher! I write about mine at http://shanelyang.com/2008/05/06/help-with-overcoming-codependency/
This topic is so near and dear to my heart, that I wrote my first ebook about how to stop letting others take advantage of you called Cuckoo in Your Nest! If you want a free copy, just contact me from the contact form on my website.
Thanks, Ms. Single Mama for an excellent post!
After our child was born, my husband lost interest in me. It has been nearly 1.5 years since we have had sex despite my many requests. I am going to counseling to work on my anger but want to know how long I should wait it out before I leave. I am exercising and trying to get in shape but I am resentful of husband’s behavior. Dont ask me if I saw this coming because I can assure you I never would have gotten married.
Just wanted to add real quick the book To Good to Leave to Bad to Stayhttp://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=pd_cp_b_0?pf_rd_p=413864201&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0718141776&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0A7MVXRQ62745KX1QHR9 was an excellent read. I read it after I had decided to leave and it just made me more sure and also more aware of the dynamic so that hopefully I don’t get into a mess like that again.
I can relate to so much of this.
First, in response to AlLaf, yes, the birth of a child adds stress, which can be detrimental to an already over-stressed marriage. Yes, men need “attention”. But, women need partners. I think this period really singles out those men who can be partners from those who can’t handle it (i.e. who turn to childish selfish behavior that puts the health and safety of their families at risk.)
For example, in my case it all really got bad when I become pregnant. It was a difficult (and unexpected )pregnancy that required bedrest. At one point my husband actually said: “You’ve got to get through this on your own. I can’t help you.” OK. I understood that. It hurt but I knew I could do it, especially becuase I was the one who was the income-earner while my husband is in school. (My job provides benefits and income that I can do from home). Fast-forward to after the baby was born – my husband was terrified by the responsibility. I understood that too. But the problem was in how he handled it. He withdrew, refused to be alone with the baby, even if it was just so that I could shower or run to our condo’s gym for a 30 min. workout. He was also terrified about the financial situation we were in. (He had take an extended period of voluntary unemployment during which he racked up credit card debt just prior to my getting pregnant). How do he handle that stress? He started smoking pot again and spending money from my paycheck on his chronic habit and ordering takeout meals. He said he was just too stressed to cook and was angry when I wasn’t able to put together a formal meal when I had been home working/being with baby all day.
I guess what I am saying is: yes, it’s stressful for everyone but there are very different ways to respond to that stress. Some people thrive and get creative. Some people flounder. And some people just engage in escapist behaviors that dig them (and their families) deeper.
You’ve heard a bit of my story. The upside is that my husband does love me very much and expresses that love verbally everyday (even if his actions tell a different story). We have much in common (likes, activities, religion, family background, etc.) and I do recall the good early days of our marriage and look forward to the future. In addition, we are in marriage counseling. He also sees a separate counselor. He knows that he needs to change. Had admitted it and is making efforts to to do. So, how do I know when to end this relationship? I mean, just because he is motiviated to change doesn’t mean he actually is capable of doing so?
Also, he’s never physically attacked me but he is verbally abuse when angry and recently (in the last 6 months) his anger has started to express itself in a more physicall way (e.g. punching the air, kicking his legs as if having a tantrum, stomping, etc.)
When did I know that enough was enough…. I had been thinking about leaving my ex for a couple years but the minute I would get up the strength it seemed like it was no longer then a week and I would find out I was prego…again…. once I got the “not getting prego” under control it took a week long work trip out of town to really show me my way. I went out of state for a work trip for an entire week and by the end of night one I was so shook up with fear that my kids were not getting the care they needed that I could barely function. I was not there to be the buffer between the kids and my ex’s anger. I called about a million times a day just to make sure that things were ok, asking my 4 year old how her day was and trying to analize her responces in hopes to figure out if the kids were alright. On the drive home from my week of hell my co-worker and great friend asked me what I wanted out of life…. I broke down and told him that I just wanted to be happy. It was the realasation that I was no where near happy. My ex always seen me and the kids as the “nothing betters” to do. He would search for things to take him away from the house and when he was home we were nothing but an anoyance to him. That week away really opened my eyes to the fear I had for my kids and to the fact that I could not be there to be the buffer all the time… and shouldn’t have to be. There was moments of physical abuse but the emotional abuse was the killer. A punch in the face does not hurt near as bad as being told that you are worthless and a bad mother. Your website is amazing. To know that there are other mothers out there doing it on their own and doing it well is great. I am a new single mother of 3…. 26 year old single mother of 3 under the age of 4…. but I know I can do it…. when all else fails… I know out there somewhere there are other single mothers that have my back…. thank you
I’m still not sure, but my husband is. So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.
I have been having a very hard time with this question myself: to leave or to stay? We have a daughter, and i know that he really does love her. But he spends such little time with her! I can count the number of diapers he has changed on one hand; he is sorta helpful around the house, but one thing he is really good at is making me feel insignificant and worthless. But it comes in spurts; I don’t understand. I have talked to my mom about leaving him and moving back to my hometown; right now we live in the same city as his family and get very little help from his parents. My parents provided us with free daycare, and were there whenever my little one needed anything at all. I am just having such a hard time with the pros and cons list; I know I can do it, that’s never been an issue. I’ve always been very self-sufficient, having grown up in a large family. i just have such a hard time knowing that I would be responsible for my daughter not getting to see her dad everyday; I’m just not so sure I can do that right now. I just feel like I am the the only responsible one in the house; When the rent is late i have to call the landlady; same for all the bills–they are my responsibilty. Up until about six months ago I could really see myself married to him with a couple of kids–but now, its so different.
My situation is not horrible. I married someone as a rebound from my previous marriage and I was afraid to be alone. I have had this epiphany and now dont know what to do about it. He has agreed to counseling. I do not think he can change even though he wants to. It took me over 10 years in therapy to change. I do not think I was ever in love with him and is it fair to ask him to change?? I have 2 lovely children with this man, who is an excellent father but I am just not in love. I am finally being honest with myself. I settled and now am regretting it. I am feeling confused because there is no anger and no fighting… really no communicating at all. Never has been. It was ok cause I just needed somewhere there and to not be alone. Now I am realizing I need more. I dont want to wake up in 20 years and realize I could have lived more passionately.
What have you done since this post? I’m in a similar situation.
Ditto!!!!!!
How do I begin? I am 56 years old and have two children. Two boys. My oldest is 26 and my youngest is 16. I have been married 27 years to a man who cheated on me when our first son was 5. I over looked that affair because of my son. My husband has cheated again with a woman who is married and has an 11 year old and 17 year old. Most of you have had short term marriages. Imagine the pain when someone you thought loved you decided you were nothing after 27 years of marriage. He changed. He started cursing at me calling me horrible names. He is someone that I no longer know. His family has been destroyed. His youngest son has not spoke to him or seen his father in about 3 months. He has the option to see him whenever he wants but the saw things before I did and he is filled with pain , hurt and anger. I found out about this in June of 2008 and have been on an emotional roller coaster. I still can’t believe that he has crucified his family with his selfish thoughts. No marriage is perfect. His youngest son told him that he would not have anything to do with him as long as he had contact with this other women. I his dad that he had a choice.. He had to break all ties with this woman or he would lose his son. He is so blind that he doesn’t realize what he has lost. I could go on and on. He does not want to give me what I need to survive. I feel sorry because he has lost 3 people who love him and need him. His mother divorced his father after 28 years of marriage. His 2 sisters have each been married 3 times. His brother I think 3 times. I guess he felt that it was his time. My parents were married 50 years and I thank God that I was raised in a stable family life. I suppose that is why this has emotionally destroyed me. Thanks for your time.
I need someone to talk too! Anyone!! I am in a horrible marriage and I just don’t know what to do. He has made it so I have no job and no friends!!! Please email me at AMcpherson001@wi.rr.com……PLEASE I have 3 children to consider.
hi
5veexr2m0giiviga
good luck
My wife wrote on here as unsure said recently. I found this e-mail of hers on Jan 1’st 2009. She does know that I read it. It dropped me to my knees when I read it. I thought our marriage was great and never saw this coming. We have been to 2 meetings with the marriage counselor and tonight she gave up. In addition I have seen my separate counselar 2 times also. What she said she wanted from me was to be more emmotional towards her. Besides the fact she married me as is, I have made great strides in giving her what I thought she wanted in the past month. And I know a month is not a long time but I was feeling better with myself and loving her even more. We have 2 fantastic children with our youngest about to turn 1 this month. While telling my friends the situation, they all agree that she is going thru a mid life crisis. And I feel the same way to but feel she is just to far gone to accept it. She also come from a family where her mother abandened them a few times to live a more exciting life. Her mother and brother are also bipolar. She grew up with her alchoholic father which was absent since he was drunk all the time. I feel that since she is going thru this midlife crisis, she is also acting like her mother but not abandoning her kids but her husband to find the excitment. She said she wrote the letter when she was feeling down. I can’t say that I feel some truth to it but I do feel that she did really love me. She has been on Facebook alot getting in touch with alot of old friends and boyfriends. I can’t help to think that this helped trigger the crisis. She had addmitted to me that she was flirting with some because she couldn’t get it from me. In the past month she has gone from going great to hitting rock bottom and feeling better to rock bottom again with our relationship. I love her more than anything and I love my children so much. I can’t sit here and be abused by her anymore with this emotional rollercoaster. I am not able to work or sleep or eat thinking about her. I love her very much and don’t want this to happen to us and our kids. Please offer some last minute advice. For a man that doesn’t cry, I’m sure going through those tissues for the past few days.
Last minute of hope. Reminds me of how ineffective mere wishing can be. I like pondering solutions. I like seeing communication barriers. I even like what you wrote, here. I’m glad you feel a sense of safety here at this site.
You know the language of love sweetheart. Think of the last time that someone really consoled you in a moment of despair.
And sweetheart, I’m wondering if you see her as the mental labels you speak of. You may be treating her in kind. What you choose to think of her may be getting in the way of feeling love for her. Set aside the notion you need her to be different somehow.
Think of what you admire and honor and respect. Look at her character traits. What I read is she is being honest. Unquestionably so. You know where she goes for consoling (here) but won’t mention that you know. You may meet a whole new woman in this one simple process of really getting to know her for the first time.
Try it here first by rewriting your last post. Introduce us to your wife, the love of your life. Tell us who she is sweetheart.
On the other hand, you could just as well use indirectness to tell your spouse that you feel like keeping her at arms length and you’ll be just fine on your own.
I admit I don’t call her sweethart, or babe. And yes she did ask for this. However, I have told her recently how much she means to me and I think the world of her. I want to be able to have the chance to call her sweeheart. Even after reading what she wrote I am still able to say and have said that she is the love of my life and always will be. I will do ANYTHING for her but she just won’t let me back in. I am heartsick knowing that she is almost out that door. Not just for the kids sake which is a big deal. But the fact that I won’t be able to ever feel her love again or be able to really give her my love the way I want to. I can’t say enough good things about her or how beautiful she really is to me. I don’t need her to be different at all. In December she was everything I always wanted. But she is just not mentaly with me anymore. Alot of things have happened in her life in the past 2 months and I believe this is taking a hard toll on her. I am not trying to get out of taking blame cause I know now what she was feeling and I will never let that happen again. But she has been up and down alot with her mood swings. I have done a great deal of research and possibly she could have postpartum depression, a mid life crisis, or possibly, bipolar. I think there is something else there that she is not aware of. Her therapist has moved after 10 years and now she has to start all over. I do feel bad for her to have to go back in her past cause there are many extremely bad memories she will have to face again. I just want to make sure that I will always be there to help her get thru them. I feel a bit of a pansey here for trying over and over again but she is worth everything to me. 2 weks in marriage counseling and she is giving up is not very rational. Not when you have kids and a husband that still think the world of her.
Yes, your wife has her own life to live. Tell us what you adore about her as a human. That was the question.
I am desperately finding the strength you need to actually LEAVE. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We’ve been married for 10, but have lived together nearly all of the 12 years.
We met in a tiny little coastal town. Neither of us belonged there, so we decided to leave and get married. We moved to a new city where he started Flight School. I had high hopes for him. It seemed to me he was a go-getter. His father was paying for his flight school and some of the bills, and I covered the rent and the rest of the bills. I worked different odd-jobs and finally landed a pretty good one. I was just a secretary, so I didn’t get paid much. But we survived on what I made.
He went to school, yes. But he would sluff off quite a bit and it made everything take LONGER. That’s when I discovered he has a sleeping disorder where he has trouble sleeping through the night. So he’d come to bed at 4-5am and sleep the morning away and wake up after lunch. I never have adjusted to his weird sleeping pattern, but have tried to help him find a way to deal with it himself. He never tried hard and to this day it’s still an issue. He refuses to do anything to help himself fix this problem.
After several years of him shuffling his feet through Flight School (and finally holding ONE job down for about 9 months), we moved to a larger city where the Flight School could offer him training on multi-engine airplanes. We moved to a larger home and my husband started school again. I had hope because he seem very interested in getting his schooling completed.
I looked for work and found some odd-jobs, but then was marked as DISABLED from the VA from an injury I substained while in the military where I rescued a child from drowning. My back pain was so out of hand that I was unable to work. The VA awarded me some disability pay, but it didn’t cover our expenses. Aaron didn’t look for work (even if I asked and begged), so I had to ask his father to help me with bills. He gave me a few hundred dollars a month to help me. Still, it never phased my husband that I was struggling with chronic pain, working at all hours to survive and his father was pulling $ out of his savings – just so he could finish his schooling.
Fast Foward 10 years. Here we are still. He’s STILL not finished with Flight School – and here’s the new fun problem: we have sex about 3 times a year (if I’m lucky). I CRAVE his attention and his physical body near me. But instead he turns to online porn. I think he has a problem with depression (which there’s nothing he can do about it because pilots aren’t allowed to be on anti-depressants), he never exercises, eats right, takes care of himself, has sex with me, takes care of bills NOTHING. It’s 100% all me carrying this house, bills, pets/vets, gas, groceries E V E R Y T H I N G.
Finally, desperate to make some extra $, I started my own home-business. It’s not REALLY successful, but I was making a little money to cover bills. It was hard because I still have chronic pain – and it can be debilitating. Well, I had to borrow some $ to help my business take off, so I had some debt to pay off. I’m still not able to cover my bills and THERE HE SITS AT HIS COMPUTER PLAYING VIDEO GAMES UNTIL 4am in the morning. Looking at women on the computer, playing video games and ignoring me – lonely and broke – taking care of him.
So I’ve turned to taking some drugs – it’s my escape from my miserable life. I started smoking Pot as an escape. Since I have chronic pain, it was an easy thing to get. I have always been an excellent student, highly artistic, very motivated and a real go-getter. But with the weight of his burdon and this house (rental) and bills on my back, I feel like I’m slipping deep down into a place I don’t know.
I don’t recognize myself. How could I let another person take such advantage of me? Because I love him so much. And I know he loves me, but how much can he love me if he refuses to help me when he sees me on my knees, crying over the bills we have and he asks if I wanna go get a CHEESEBURGER????
The worst part, my husband is a great guy in a lot of ways. Everyone likes him. He never calls me names, he never hits me, cheats on me, or lies to me. He doesn’t spend a LOT of money, but he does accue plenty of bills. And I was a social butterfly and he’s a hermit and NEVER EVER leaves the house. I found myself never leaving the house either now. Almost like I’m afraid. I’m not afraid to be alone – in fact, I crave it. It’s almost like having a man in my life nearly destroyed it. I think I need to escape. He STILL isn’t working and I am STILL drowning.
I want to run run run away. Should I?
We seem to get somewhere with our theropy sessions but as soon as we walk out of there he is a different person. I have not felt a moment of comfort while I was with him. I know you all are saying "why did you marry him?" and I often ask that of myself. I guess I was blinded by the idea of what we could be. And he had provided me with confidence when I had none. I guess you could say he swept me off my feet and I am now seeing his hudeenie act for what it is. I now know I am not as strong as I'd like to think I was. I am finding it hard to move beyond him. Maybe it is because I don't want to have a second failed marriage before I am forty, maybe I fear I will only find myself with him again down the road as we have had on and off spurts with him before we got married. But I have to think I deserve better then someone how wants to play with my insecurities like a puppet master, or who belittles my every word as though he were so much better then me. I hate my life right now and I have to think that there is a better life out ther waiting for me.
I can completely relate to this… lots of bad memories sparked with your comment. If you've exhausted all options – ie therapy and support from family and friends and of course, self-introspection – then yes, you have a very serious question ahead.
Another thing would be to try a trial seperation before going so far as a divorce.
Good luck to you Lexi.
Thanks to everyone for this amazing blog. I saw that is began some 42 weeks ago.
I found this blog after searching on line just now for some answers. As I post this, my heart is still completely raw from the fight we just had because it has become crystal clear to me that my husband is NEVER going to care about the things I need in our relationship. This afternoon, I came to realize that I can no longer bear the emotional abuse I suffer at the whim of my cruel and emotionally cold husband.
After years of being treated like a second class citizen, I am at that crazy point right now, just torn to shreds with frustration and anger at the insane way he argues with me and berates me when I try to get my needs met in our relationship. AND – HE ALWAYS HAS AN EXCUSE FOR HIS LYING, INSENSITIVITY, INCONSIDERATE and DISRESPECTFUL TREATMENT OF ME!!! Grrrr!!!! I am so over it!!!
I have allowed myself to get fairly isolated in this marriage of 16 years. I have very few friends and no family to speak of, so my work is cut out for me to now face the world pretty close to alone. I am lucky that I am not a single mom. I don't have the added challenge most of you have of a youngster depending on me. I admire you women who are bearing that burden.
I am almost 40 and have pretty much given up any hope of ever finding love. I don't think I have ever even had love in my life, as I came from a very abusive childhood, and met my husband when I was just 22. I have settled for this relationship and resigned myself to it for years, now, but no more. My self-esteem is pretty much crushed, and I have very little confidence in anything.
Well, anyway, thank you all so very much for reminding me that I am not alone and that there are others going through what I am going through, and with a much larger burden to bear, in some cases. You have given me hope that I can see the other side of this someday. I may even look back on this painful decision with some relief.
Wow – I could have written your email yesterday. I found this blog after a horrific fight with my husband. He unleashed so much verbal venom on me that I actually collapsed from emotional pain.
I too am nearly 40 without kids and 14 years of marriage. I've felt uneasy in my marriage since the beginning and have feared bringing kids into it.
I'm glad to read the experiences of other women – finding the courage to step out of the emotional prison and move ahead. It must take incredible strength to do that with children. Thanks for sharing your hearts and stories.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's abusive behavior toward you, Shari. I can relate to you about not wanting to bring children into it. And yes, for women who do have children in this situation – incredibly brave.
Once I decided it was over on Sunday, I have been taking steps each day to move forward. It is a little hard, but knowing I have made the decision already makes me feel better about it. I have not actually told him that it is over yet. I just cannot bring myself to speak to him about it right now. I honestly believe that the only circumstance I would tell him right away like this would be if I had some shred of hope that we could work it out, but that boat has long sailed by now. No hope = me telling him later, when I am actually moved out and moved on.
While I am making arrangements to move, I am still living in the home we share, but sleeping in a separate bedroom. He is perfectly fine with that (very weird, but telling), so there are no problems there. He really thinks this was just a fight and that things should be back to normal, but in separate bedrooms. Strange….
He has been acting like nothing ever happened on Sunday. I have completely shut down emotionally toward him, and he is either refusing to acknowledge it or genuinely does not care. He won't admit that he has ever hurt me and he won't ever apologize, but I'm sure he senses my withdrawal this time. I don't laugh at his pathetic attempts at humor anymore. I don't participate in everyday conversation with him, no matter how often he tries to engage me. I basically treat him like someone I have to get along and nothing more.
The good news is that I'm not really devastated by this. I was crushed the other day, but I have known for the longest time that this was coming. Now that this time is here, I am strangely fine with it. I'm not grieving or anxious (I've probably done all of that already), I am just ready. I think I may have had so much hatred toward him for so long, that I have reached my indifference stage.
Anyway, I wish you well, Shari, and hope things improve for you. Thanks again, misssinglemama for this forum for us to give and receive support. For once in this mess I have called my marriage, I do not feel so alone. God Bless.
So you don't have any children?
You will see the other side… definitely, but only if you break free. Keep us posted okay?
I just discovered you…..and have been reading most of the afternoon. It is so wonderful to realize I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. Okay, I don't have any children but I've been agonizing over whether to stay or go on and off for a few years now. I tried to leave twice but came back. In retrospect, I didn't have my ducks in order….but this time, I do! I just emailed an acceptance of an apartment I viewed yesterday!! The tipping point? Oh, it's been a slow buildup over 7 years together and 3 1/2 of marriage, and there are so many reasons….but the one that really changed the way I saw things was asking him to pick me up in an airport (he is chronically late) after a week of work (I'm a flight attendant) and because he was visiting his family, he was one hour late. I sat there as everyone else collected their luggage and caught their rides, and I thought, "What the hell am I putting up with this crap for? I'm with someone who can't even respect me enough to be on time?" And we had a HUGE fight when he finally arrived during which he told me I was selfish!!
Okay…..life's too short for the bull$#@t.
Please HELP….I am 23 with two baby boys and have been with my husband for almost 9 years..He is 35 and I just turned 23.When I meet him I felt that life was better with him then at my moms!I have left afew times before when he was at work but he alway talks me back.I tried to leave last month but he took my keys and keep hitting himself and told me if I did unpack my truck I would go to jail.I want to try to leave again why he is at work up dont know if I should because not everyday is day just most of them are.Please help I dont know what to do?
You need to get out as soon as possible. Going to be with a man just because you think it is "better than at your mom's" is not a good enough reason to be with a man.
A person hitting himself (regardless of the reason) is also very unhealthy, and now you have two boys to think about, too. How do you think your husband's behavior will affect your kids in the future? You are in the cycle of abuse. The cycle is that there will be a build up of tension, an explosion of abusive behavior, then comes the honeymoon phase, where he "talks you back." This cycle occurs over and over throughout the years or months until the abusive behavior escalates and can become dangerous to your life, as well as the lives of your children.
When he took your keys, and prevented you from leaving, he broke the law. That is called false imprisonment and there are legal consequences for that. You have to be strong, my dear, and figure out how you are going to get yourself and your children out of that situation immediately, if not sooner.
You say that you have been with him for 9 years. That means when you began your relationship, he was 26 and you were 14. You were legally a child and he was an adult when you began your relationship. There are also some very strong laws against that, as well. Laws aside, can you not see how inappropriate it is for a man that age to be in an intimate relationship with a 14 year old child?
I recommend you get out immediately and seek some professional help. There are counselors available to you on a sliding fee scale, if money is a problem. But you need to talk to someone soon. A professional can help you through this. Good luck to you….
Thank you for caring! I am going to leave tuesday while he at…I told him my kids have a doctors app..So, where he move me way when I was 15 and had a intimate relationship wit me can I doanything about now that I can see how wrong it was…I dont wont him around my babies!he has lost my three special needs child twice,he does drugs and he meds his doctor give him he takes more than he sould! please tell how to keep him away from my babies! Is it normal for at times to think I am going tomake the wrong move by leaving?I just want one day without him tripping out over somethingand turn it around on me!Is there a better life out there?
Hey what kinda help do I get and are there ways I can keep him from us…how do I get a divorce.Thanks I just wont want to talk to my friends.
You'll also need to find a lawyer… Check the yellow pages for one who offers free consultations.
If you have written or photographic evidence of his abuse and drug use that would be good.
Sent from my iPhone
*Please Help Me!*
I am 23, I have been married to my husband for 2 years in June, and together with him for 3. We have a 13 mo old son together who is by far the greatest gift of all, and the most precious human being I know. I have been unhappy for 7 months now with my husband. To sum it up: my husband believes because he works full time and I stay home to raise our son, I should do everything around the house and he shouldn't have to do anything. He does not think he has anger issues (which he absolutely does and I can name several people who agree with me)…he does not believe he is verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive (again..totally is) …he is constantly telling me I am the one with the problem, I am a liar, I constantly push his buttons and cause fights which results in him blowing up at me, etc etc..
I love my husband, but I am terrified of him. I just want to be happy, and most importantly I want my son to be happy. I have been debating on the big D word for some time now, and I am aware of the fact that I do not have a job at the moment, but I have a huge incredible support system to back me up.
Please tell me what to do!
Some help is apreciated!
I am a mother of 2 and one n the way at 20. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. when we were first married it was a dream world. He i a great father and he tried everything to make us financially stable. We have moved in an out of family members houses and out of our own places because he cant seem to keep a job. We now live in Canada. This is our third time of living here. We move constantly because he cant keep a job this time though things are different. He normally would keep a job for a month and now he hasn't kept one or even tried to get one for 9 months. I am fed up he says he brings in income because he is living off welfare. I am living in a country to where I have no status and nothing that benefits me. My children and him are safe and sound but I am not. I have no insurance no nothing. He has dual citizenship and I would love nothing more than for him to go home with me until I get my status. Yet I cant stop feeling like I have done everything. I am a medical assistant and have my dreams on being a nurse. Every time I mention abut going back to school I get told it is not good enough I need to work because school isn't bringing in money or paying bills. Yet I try to tell him that in the future it will. He is set on today and what he wants to do. My kicker today is the fact that he tried to lie to me about smoking wed. He thought I was asleep. Someone help me figure out where to go or what to do I am so confused I love him but I cant do it no more!
Hi Candace,
I know the majority of the bloggers are American but your story stuck out because you are an American currently living in Canada. I am a Canadian law school student and I thought I would give you some advice on how to making your nursing dream come true without the expense that comes with it. If you can apply for status and/ or get a job in Canada (being a medical assistant, it should not be too hard to find a fair paying job in this country) their is a government funded program called Second Career. It is available in almost every town or city. The government looks for people who would like to change their career and they pay for you to go to school and become a nurse. Nursing is one of the main careers they do sponsor. The government does this to reduce the number of people on welfare or poverty by paying for school so these people can get themselves a new start. You would get a free education and be able to start over. There is also so many aid programs to new immigrants or non Canadians living in Canada. You can find these on Canadian government sites, and it varies depending on what province you live in. I feel for you being a new comer and having a difficult time in your marriage. I just wanted you to know that Canada has ALOT of options for you even though you are not a citizen. There are also American Embassies and consulates across the country you can visit and get some advice on what facilities are in your city to help you. I am really sorry on what you are going through, only being 20 years old and being virtually alone in a strange country. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope you explore all those options, it would be great to see another success story on this forum and have someones career aspirations come true.
Much love!
I did it.
I fill out my paper work, I faxed it to my lawyer…I now have 2 weeks until I sign my papers and my husband gets served. I feel excited for a fresh new start..and terrified that I am making the wrong decision..but this has been weighing heavy on my heart for over 7 months now..it HAS to be the right thing to do…right? I just want to do whats best for my son. If anyone has any advice on the best way to go about this, especially telling my husband, please tell me! I need all the support and encouragement I can get! Thank you.
I CAN RELAY TO WHAT UR GOING THRU, I HAVE A 9 MONTH OLD BABY..AND I HAVE BEEN WITH THIS MAN 4 YRS AS A SECURITY BLANKET, NOW I HAVE BEEN HIS GIRLFRIEND FOR A YR AND HALF ..HE IS NOT WHAT I EXPEXTED HIM TO BE…I FEEL I'M LIVING MY LIFE BACKWARDS I FEEL I WAS BETTER OFO ALONE …I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD FROM MY XBOYFRIEND WICH WE HAVE BEEN BROKEN UP ABOUT 6 YRS,,,AND I COMPARE HOW GREAT OF A DAD HE IS AND HOW HE MADE THINGS HAPPEN ..THOUGH I COULD'NT BE AROUND HIM ..AND I FEEL I' M LOOSING INTERSET IN THIS RELATIONSHIP…I FEEL I'M HEADED TOWARDS A TWIGHT LIGHT ZONE…BUT I HAVE HOPE TO LET THIS MAN GO…COMPLETELY..
I agree w/Amanda. Sometimes the nice guy can be a wolf in sheep's clothing. And, since they are usually known as the "nice guy" in their social circle, they feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to abusing you. "Oh, I'm justified in hurting you because I am just the 'nice guy' defending myself from you!!" Pathetic and manipulative, my friend.
Wow, this has been great to read- we’re not alone in our decision to stay or go.
I’ve been married for 16 years, we lived toghether for 5 before we married, so we’re at 21 years together now. We have 2 kids, 9 and 13.
I’m really struggling, as my husband, for the most part, is a nice guy, helps around the house and with the kids. I work part-time in computers and just passed a test to become Microsoft Certified. The issue for me is that he is a firefighter, and the department and “the guys” ALWAYS come first. I had 2 chances to pass this test, but had a very limited time frame to study and pass. I went to the first try, knowing I probably was not completely prepared, but also knowing I had 2 chances, and thought taking the test the first time would be excellent practice to prepare me for the “real” thest- the second shot. I’m in jeporady of getting laid off, and am working to gain more credentials in case I need to look for a new job. Well, hubby comes home , I ask about his day, and he starts telling me about the recruits he’s training and how awful they did on their finals that day, and if they don’t greatly improve on their second try, they have 1 more chance to be absolutely perfect in from of the Chief. I was saying how that parallels what I just did- and he says- “It’s nothing like that! These guys have been working hard!” I have been taking classes for the last 2 years in computers, on my own time with my own funds (meaning not supported by my company), which gave me the background to be able to get my certification. He says, “These guys have been working for over a year, this is their career!” So I say, “And I haven’t? And my career is so much less important?!?!”
This has been a pattern- once I saw Circe De Soleil was in town, I started to say we should go, and he says “Hell, no, I’m not going to any dumb circus!” and that was the end of the conversation for him. Next year, they came back, and he says “The guys are all telling me about this really cool Circe De Soleil show- we really need to check it out!”
I’ve been struggling since last year, when these friends encouraged him to look at Craigslist for “Missed Connections” – and the message was about a guy on a blue bike waving to a girl- and she wanted to get together – and he looked at it MANY times. Yup, he has a blue bike and the area is his route home.
I understand friends are important, he does go on yearly guys weekends, has lost of guy night poker parties, etc., and I’ve never minded that. But anyone who is encouraging my husband to look at singles sites is no longer a friend of mine, and I am now uncomfortable with him hanging out with these so-called “friends”. I am losing my self-esteem, and myself. From the outside, our marriage looks perfect to everyone else. Do I stay with a basically good guy knowing I am ALWAYS going to come in a distant second, or do I protect my mental health and try the other side of the fence? I need to feel improtant and respected to feel good about myself, and he just can’t give that to me.
I am so confused as to stay or go. On the one hand, we have almost 16 years of marriage and a beautiful 5-year old daughter. I do love him, he sometimes make me laugh and he can make me feel good about himself if he is in the right frame of mind. On the other hand, there is the drinking (which he says he is cutting back on – I’ve heard that before), the mood swings, refusing to get a job, not cleaning up after himself, spending money recklessly, cruising dating websites. I make up my mind to end it, have a knot in my stomach, feel like crying, then he will say something to make me change my mind. I feel like I am going crazy! How to decide?
I love my husband so much but he and my 14 year old son are not getting along at all. My son will do stupid sh@@ just to make him mad. My husband is a work aholic with our business and farms. I work full time and go to school full time. we have been married for 7 years and discipline is a problem with the children . He has 2 step daughters( 17 adn 21) that do not live with us and then i have the 14 y/o. My son helps out a lot but 4 weeks ago he started complaining to his dad and our other friends that we dont pay him for any work so he has to get a job to pay for his truck. We bought the truck when he was 13 then he wreck it when he was almost 14 on the farm. He has been driving since he was 7 (tractors 4 wheelers trucks etc.. get the picture). My husband was raised very strictly and he is not as strict as his dad but expects more then probably most men would of the boy.
I left 3 weeks ago because I could not handle the “being in the middle”. I love my son but he too is playing this and my spouse and i usually only argue over him While i was gone with my son for 2 weeks i tried to prove to my son thaT life is not always handed to you. My husband is our security blanket but I dont care about the money. My son disrespected even me when we were gone and i dont think i should lose my marriage because of teenage discipline problems/.
I’m starting today.
It’s a long story. It always is, though, isn’t it? I’ve known a long time. More strongly every day. But there is lots of good too, that makes it so very hard. And the fact that I am a homeschooling mother of 3 children, with no money, no job for 9 years, ruined credit now thanks to hubby’s poor management during these difficult economic times …. all that makes it so much harder. I’m smart. I’m educated. I’m an alpha female too. I’m full of compassion and understanding. I’m an excellent communicator and that makes it sooooooo clear to me that I’ve done everything I can. Really, I have. I love, I give, I compromise, I don’t want my way, I want OUR way. I’ve realized many times over the years that our values are simply way too different for us to be happy together. But acting on it ….. that scares the heck out of me. Before kids I wouldn’t have batted an eye at the financial difficulty, but I was committed to relationship. I got pregnant 2 months after getting married. I didn’t want to divorce then, I had big dreams of a happy family life. I have been a stay at home mom for the love of my children. It kills me to imagine how difficult it is going to be for them. My 4yo will be okay. He’s very social and will adapt to preschool well, but my 9yo and my 2yo are both very strongly attached to me still. My 9yo will adapt too, I suppose, but I expect it will be devastating and will leave lasting damamge to her. Transitioning to school will be hugely stressful for her. I’ve homeschooled her for a reason… School and a new home and the loss of her father, despite the fact that she hates him for the way he treats her…. That’s a lot for her to take on at such a formative age. You know, I sooooo wish I had left when she was newborn when he was such a jerk, or when he showed his true colors when she was 12 months, or when he was a tiny bit violent when my 4yo was 2, or when we had all the terrible fights in between, or right before I got pregnant each and every time. I LOVE my children so much but with the birth of each child I have recognized the extension of the time that I will have to stay here …. My youngest is 2 now and he is almost as attached to me as his sister was. I cry giant hot tears for the pain it will cause my children for me to move them to a new home, to explain to them that Daddy and I aren’t going to live together anymore, to try to explain to them their Daddy’s irrational emotional behavior that will most assuredly come when I finally put my Exit Plan into action, to put them in school and day care… And I cry and pray for strength in parenting because just as I love them so intensely I am also incredibly overwhelmed by them. I never wanted three kids. (I figure since I’m being honest I might as well go all the way.) Because I love them so much that it hurts…. too much. My kids are needy. And at their current ages their needs are almost more than I can keep up with. They fight with each other and it breaks my heart to see them hurting or needing me when I’m tending to something else or someone else. At the end of the day I feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted and depressed because it is too much for me. And I just pray that I can manage to keep myself together. Maybe it will be better than it is now, I don’t know. I get no breaks right now as my husband is not really connected with our kids, though he does parent a little bit. I don’t want to say he does nothing, because he does. But I certainly don’t get emotional breaks or me time. Maybe having a job will improve my coping skills. But I do feel terrible knowing that this will be at the expense of my children and the additional stress they will experience by me going to work.
I am going to look now into applying for assistance from the state. I don’t really know how this works but I wonder if I will be able to qualify for anything while I’m still living with my husband. But I have no family to go to and I’m not willing to become homeless to do this. This financial part is my biggest obstacle. And of course it is all about my children. I have no fear for myself. I’m a boot strap girl. But I need some sense of safety net for my children. I haven’t found it yet.
And so, it is hard. The fear for my children both financially and emotionally is like a fortress wall in front of me. But I will find a way. And my Exit Plan is not really formed yet. But I do know that at the end of it I will be free from the misery… and it will be a blessing to my children too. So today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Today is the day that I start.
Reading these just made me realize I should go home and clean the house and get some remodeling projects done.
I’m no saint. Like many men and women, I handled a growing sexual and intellectual incompatibility by using proxies — as well as the ever popular alternatives of workaholic escapism and theology. And… If you can’t understand that paragraph, you’re just not my type… even if you’re smoking hot, fit and happening.
My clever tests of compatibility failed, as they often do for people regardless of how smart or dumb they are. largely because young love has NOTHING to do with reason.
But you know what? I lucked out. I stayed in even when she cheated and handed me a get out of jail free card, and even though I’ve thrown away many opportunities to be here.
There are still benefits to be had by staying with the one you married, no matter how bored you are, or lonely, or even if the mere thought of sex with your spouse makes you throw up a little. If he or she has good qualities and doesn’t try to torture or hurt you, or perhaps belittle you in front of others, it might be worth staying.
Don’t get me wrong – if you have to bail out, bail right away.
But in the long run, if you’ve gone through a couple long relationships, or many short ones, you’ll learn that everyone has drawbacks. Even prince/princess charming.
but it’s true – you have to give something in return.
It cuts both ways -
Ok wow i have just spent about a hour reading your guys story, I am a mother of 3 my husband and i share 1 daughter together and my other children are from a previous. I am a VERY young mother but very intelligent even tho i had my first child when i was 15 i still graduated college. (yes i am very proud of that haha). My husband and i New each other for 2 yrs dated for a year and now been married for 2 yrs. about a year ago he got transfered to another state for his job and we moved our family. Away from everyone i have ever known. It has went down hill from there i gave up my dream job to come to this new state to allow him to prosue his. He doesn’t appreciate me he’s a traveling sales man so he is always gone.. he told me he doens’t want me to get a job because he doesn’t want me to meet people. I have no friends down here. i feel traped. I have tryed to leave 2 times now packed up the Truck and headed north but he always starts crying and telling me how much he loves me (something he only says when we are fighting) I just can’t take it anymore he goes back and forth telling me he is going to change and never does The last time i went to leave my poor 6yr old daughter seen him cry and he told her its not her fault its mine because he doesn’t want us to leave.. COME ON how do i deal with that… SOME ONE PLEASE HELP ME I need some courage to get over that bump. I just want to go home to my family and away from someone who is keeping me hostage.
Oh my god – my life is mirroring your life. I just want to leave and be with my kids. Its the “bump” that is stopping me. Im scared, Im excited, Im nervous…. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at the same time. He is a good man and a good father, but I just dont love him anymore. I have done everything over the past 20 years, painting, gardening, cleaning, changing my jobs so as not to have child care. He has spent 90% of his time watching soccer and drinking beer. I told him 6 months ago I wanted to leave and he has now turned into father of the year, so attentive, loving and generous to all of us! He also tells me that he will fight me to the end if I leave!!! I CANT STAY- I DONT LOVE HIM ANYMORE – I cant turn around when Im 70 and my kids are all grown up and say “well thats it then, Ill just make the best of the rest…..) This aint no dress-rehearsal and I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and be honest with my kids. Would I want my kids to stay in a relationship with someone they didnt love – hell no. Anyway…… this is the hardest time of my life but I WILL get there, Im sure I will x
Financially, I work 2 jobs (full time in an office and part time in retail). The difficult time is the children spending more time with neighbor on weeknights and week ends.
Emotionally– Therapist and a few good friends/Mom.
~~ Women support Women ~~
(p.s.: i still follow your blog for comfort and motivation…)
I want to leave but I don’t want a divorce I think I can leave with out all of that and I don’t plan on ever marrying again. I have four kids and my oldest is 13, and he is picking up his bad habits. I do everything now anyways I am just scared and I need to find a job. My kids will have this huge shock of not having me here all the time it will be a large adjustment. My energy level has been sucked dry I really wonder how that will change.
ur story feels life if i were the one who wrote it. i wish i could get a divorce but its tough.
I feel so much empathy for the women brave enough to share their stories on this post.
My partner and I are not married, but we have a 10 month old daughter and a mortgage, so I feel in the same boat with many of posters here. I’m very much in love with my SO, and still am holding on to this fantasy of our life in the future, but I just don’t know how things will get better. He blames me for EVERYTHING. What do you do with someone like that? I was laid off during my 3rd trimester and have been grateful to be able to collect max unemployment and stay home with our daughter until the job market improves a bit. Now, he hates that I’m here everyday (he works from home). I give everything I can. I take full responsibility for our daughter needs. I try to stay completely out of his way for 12 hours a day and he STILL invents ways to blame me for anything going wrong with him. It’s exhausting! He’s way too old to be acting like such a child (he’s 33, I just turned 30), and he never deflected blame like this before I had the baby.
I feel like the only thing left for me to do is pack up, take our baby and leave! But I really do love him (when he’s not being an ass), and he spends quality time with our daughter everyday. If someone could please tell me (ahem, men, I would love to hear from ya) how to get him to take ownership of his own life I’d really appreciate it. The daily stress I go through trying to tiptoe around his mood swings is making me wonder if my (and my daughter’s) life would be happier/healthier without him.
I don’t know WHAT to do. I have married a man who was married before and has two children. Looking back, I have to admit that I did see warning signs that maybe he wasn’t the one for me. But, I loved him very much and wanted things to work out for us. The problem? He is not affectionate and does not initiate sex. When we first got together, he was extremely affectionate. We waited 9 months before we ever had sex and for several months, he was still affectionate and initiated sex. But, then he started to back off. We talked about it some, but it wasn’t so bad that I thought it would be an issue. Eight years later, I’m miserable and depressed. I really want things to work out, but I can tell you that in all the years we’ve been married, he has initiated sex about 3 times.
I never thought I would cheat, and even said “no” to a couple of men. That is, until I started a new job and began a very passionate affair with a co-worker. (We are no longer together because we started to develop feelings for each other). It was wonderful to feel desirable and attractive. I know it was wrong, but I still don’t feel guilty about it.
My husband’s first wife was verbally abusive to him. I have always felt that what he endured during that marriage and some things from his childhood have caused him to be so emotionally withdrawn. However, he chooses to do nothing about it. I have asked that he see a doctor and/or go to counseling, but he refuses both. About three weeks ago, I packed my bags, ready to leave, but he asked me to stay. So I did. Today was the 14th day in a row that we have not had sex. I have decided to quit initiating it because to be honest, I’m humiliated to have to ask my husband for sex.
I do love him and want things to work. But, he is who he is and no amount of tears or arguing is going to change him. I have done everything I know to do, but nothing has worked. I CONSTANTLY think about the other guy and what I need to do about my marriage. (Me and the other guy would never work. I live in a small town where people haven’t accepted interracial relationships. I am white and the other guy is black. It would be hard on both of us, especially with our families. But, I’m rambling). Anyway, the affair made me realize that there are men out there who find me desirable and who would treat me the way I want to be treated. I don’t want to make a hasty decision. So, I stay. I don’t want to hurt my husband anymore than I have (although he doesn’t know about my affair). So, I stay. We are dependent on each other financially. So, I stay. And while I’m here, my husband sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed.
Any advice?
we’ll i’been reading and sounds like my situation ,,,i’ve been for 10 years with my husband i have 2 kids and he finally moved out this weekend i feel relieved, free , happy and stress-free a little bit scared i won’t lie but WHY AM I FEELING SO GUILTY for him why ??? if he gave me no respect no love he is rude acts like a child so why in the world i’m feeling like the bad one ?? help please i could use some advises
Hi i was reading through all your guy’s stories and i am sort of going through the same thing except i have not left yet. I love him alot but he is one who puts himself before me or my 1 year old girl he has anger issues and somehow turns things around on me. i have caught him talking to many of girls behind my back and the truth is right there and he still lies. all i hear is its going to be ok i promise this i promise that i dont see anything he cant support us at all he cant jeep a job for no longer than a couple weeks to a couple months. i found out from one of his friends his last job he was just at he tried to get fired on purpose but he told me he was getting written up for no reason and it really hurt me because we need money bad and he wanted to get fired for no reason. i have a job and i take care of my daughter he never does that i have done everything around here not complaining but it is very tiring after a while. but i just dont think i can live like this anymore he seems like he will never grow up or take care of this family. every time i think about leavin and say i will i just cant im so scared to leave i thinki will be ok on my own but its so scary i dunno what to do. if anyone has advice let me know please you can email me mega_moo_88@hotmail.com
I’m sorry this is such a long comment, but I have no one else to talk to. Please help.
I am currently married and have been for a little more than 3 years. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was abusive and lasted 12 years before I finally got out. Right now, I am so confused I don’t know what to do with myself. I can feel that I keep getting more and more depressed. I have a 15 year old daughter (who lives with us) and a 12 year old son (who lives with his dad), and my husband has an 8 year old son (who lives with his mom) and a 5 year old son (who live with us). Having 4 kids is stressful enough, especially when it comes to dealing with all the ex’s involved, plus other step-siblings, but my husband and I argue a lot about what seems like everything. One of us is always hurting the other one’s feelings or making them mad. There is no physical abuse here, but definitely emotional. Everything he does gets on my nerves. Plus, he lies. I’m sure everyone lies about something, but sometimes its like he lives in his own little world. Before we got married, he told me he owned his home, free and clear with no mortgage, etc, then about 6 months after we were married I found out that his dad owns the house where we live! I left the home of my dreams (which I was leasing) to move into his home which needed a tremendous amount of repair. I have spent at least $12,000 of my own money on repairs to a house that isnt even ours. He talked me into moving in with him because “why pay rent when we have a house thats paid for”. Made sense at the time, til I found out it wasn’t even his. He has lied about other things, too, like hiding a bank account that ended up severely over-drawn, and him telling me he had paid for things – like the new furnace – that in fact still had to be paid for. Of course, there have been many other more minor incidents.
Aside from his lying, there is his never-ending condescending tone. He has this way of making me feel stupid and incompetant quite often. I am a well educated woman, and I had never felt so stupid until I spent some time with this husband.
Besides all that, we have many issues with the kids. We have very different views about parenting. Up until a few months ago, my son also lived with us. He did not get along well with my husband at all. He decided to go live with his dad, and he said it was because “he missed him”. I strongly believe that if I were single he may still be living with me. My daughther and son are very close, and he has told her things that makes her also feel that part of the reason he left was because of my husband. Now, my daughter – who is also my best friend – is telling me that she plans to move to her dads also as soon as she turns 16. She cannot stand my husband, and that is her sole reason for wanting to move out. I cannot live without my children. They are my life. My husband is not physically abusive to them, but he is a very assertive person, and very set in his ways. He is 6 ft 4 in tall, and has a deep voice, so when he is upset he can be very frightening to the kids.
My 5 year old step son loves me very much, and I feel as if he is my own. His mother has not had any contact with him in over 7 months. She was not an ideal parent before that either. One day she just decided to tell us to come and get him, and so we did. He has lived with us for more than a year now. I am afraid for what would happen to him if I were to leave.
My husband does not cheat on me, he does not beat me, he works a good job, and he does not run around. I tell myself often how much worse it could be (like my first marriage was, or worse), and I think that maybe it’s my own fault that I am unhappy. On the other hand, I AM UNHAPPY, and I have been for a very long time. The constant cycle of getting along well for a few days, then arguing for a few, is emotionally tiring.
I am currently unemployed, so my husband is the financial support in our family. My car is not paid off, and it is in his name. I’m scared to move because I fear the unknown. I have no friends or family with whom I can stay.
I feel like I have been “trying” and “working on” our marriage every since we got married. I think I was unhappy even before we were married. I’m not sure why I went through with it, and now I’m not sure if I should stay or go.
ANY advice would be much appreciated.
Hi Just Me,
I totally get where you are coming from I have been there and suffered through much of what you have and are currently experiencing. The only thing I can say is you have to watch out for you and your kids. It is not a good environment for you or your children. You will regret being in the situation you are in if you stay and so will your kids. You can also reassure you stepson that you will always be there for him. The harm that is being done to your children’s self-esteem because they are feeling rejected by you when you choose this unfortunate man over them will have a life long effect.
You need to show your kids how you can be strong and succeed through adversity. Through this you will teach them how to survive in difficult times.
Remember there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow – nothing is easy ever!
I am suffering now in my 3rd marriage in a whole new way from any of my previous marriages. I married one man who was mean, one that was abusive & controlling – physically, mentally and every other kind of way and now one who is unloving, oblivious, unaffectionate and probably a cheater.
My current husband is a good man who takes his committments seriously and tries very hard to be a good person to all that he meets. We have been together 6 years and married for 3 1/2. We used to have fun, enjoy our time together, laugh until we lost our breath and genuinely cared for eachother. Now – he is oblivous and I am turning numb from the pain – I would do just about anything to escape it.
In the last year my husband has stopped being affectionate, we rarely are intimate unless I initiate and he often rejects me. I am hopelessly depressed, sad and often cry. It is not just about sex, but more about affection and human touch. the only time he wants me to touch him is to rub his feet or scratch his back. I am not someone who cheats and I have no interest in doing so. I have vowed to myself to find something I really enjoy and just do that while also spending more time with my kids and trying to prepare myself for what may come.
He knows something is not right but will not try to address or face it. I have worked hard to look good and take good care of myself. I am not overweight and am told I am very attractive by most everyone I meet. I am also told I look 15 -20 years younger than my age.
I work hard, am a successful business women, and make a very good salary. I bring just as much to the table as he does in every way.
I have brought up his lack of affection in the past, and he tells me not to and it just hurts me more. In anger I made a few snide remarks about how we hardly sleep in the same bed anymore and he just said that those remarks do not help. I honestly don’t know what does help as I have tried everything? I am not going to try to initiate anything and am not going to bring it up again. Though it is ripping me apart to not share my feelings I just can’t do it again.
I don’t even want to be around him anymore because his inattention pains me so much. I feel that our life is fake and that people think we are this great couple and have so much going for us but it is just a lie. He thinks I am mad at him and does not understand where I am coming from or why I feel the way I do.
In his previous two marriages he cheated so I have that in the back of my head that his dis-interest lies in cheating. I think that would kill me. I am trying to pull away emotionally for me and my kids/grandkids because I fear I will not be able to handle it if he surpirses me with his departure.
I am trying very hard to find the hope and strength to weather the storm and do what I must to survive. I am totally in despair.
I did it! I finally got the courage to leave, and I am about 99% sure it was the right thing to do. I found an apartment for myself and my daughter that I can afford with my unemployment payments. I just hope to be able to find a job before I exhaust all my benefits. I have not felt so free in a very long time. It has been almost 2 weeks now since I moved out. I thought I would miss my husband and step son much more than I do – is that terrible?
I let him keep my car and he is responsible for the payments, and I took the truck which is paid for. I now live closer to my son, and I get to see him much more often. I am now only 15 minutes away from him instead of an hour, so instead of him visiting every other weekend only, he visits whenever he wants, which is often. I feel closer to both my children already. They both seem happier, especially my daughter.
This is going to be a long road, and it isn’t easy, but I feel it will be worth it in the long run. Never feel it is impossible, because there is always a way even if it is difficult.
I am stuck in a verbal and physically abusive marriage and I am only 21 years old?Now the problem is I don’t know what is physical abuse.I know it sounds dumb but is ….fish being thrown in your face, being shoved, mats being thrown on my shoulder..physical abuse. He always says that it’s not because he never ever hit me on the face and I never ended up in the hospital…so I guess I have not been physically abused? Other then his violent anger (which stems from simple things like getting a parking ticket)…….our marriage is perfect. He buys me gifts, he helps around the house, constantly compliments me and asks if I want to go to movies or dinners etc…So I am really confused…I need some one’s help. On one side he is really nice but when his anger takes over..all hell breaks loose…I mean then he makes me feel like nothing.I don’t get it? Is it my fault? I was going to leave but now his sister is getting married and he promises he will change so I’m staying again for another month…I’m so scared…what if he blows up again how do I know he’s changed..I’m tired of being called names…I need advice please help me?
bebojaan at hotmail. com
Unfortunately, I’ve been in your situation before. First of all, NEVER allow him to make you feel like it is your fault for how he treats you. He is responsible for his own actions. And yes, it is physical abuse. He does not have to punch you in the face for it to be physical. The longer you stay in the relationship, the harder it will be to walk away. I know how scary it is to leave. I’m 34 years old now, and I’ve had two failed marriages. I lived in fear of my first husband for almost 12 years. My second husband was emotionally abusive, and that marriage lasted less than 3 years. As scary as it seems to leave, for fear of what he may do, or how you will be able to take care of yourself, etc, trust me, you will figure it out and it will be ok. Once you’re out of an abusive relationship and look back, you can see how clearly you did the right thing.
So here it goes..it’s amazing how much all of our stories sound alike. I am 25 years old, and I have been with my husband for 3 years. We have only been married 1 and 4 months. We have a daughter that will be two in January. This past summer, we split up because he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore. This came after a big blowout because he had been coming home drunk at 2 in the morning after claiming to be at work. He was supposed to wake up that morning to watch our daughter, and I couldn’t get him to budge. It all went downhill from there.
I moved in with my parents, and moved on. I went back to college, kept working, and was a single mom (thankfully I had the help of my family). My husband is a good father, when he is actually home and sober, and he would get our daughter often. I hated being without her. After the first three months of being split up, we started working on things because he told me how much he loved me and that he was stupid for letting me go. That he was only himself around me, and he would do whatever it took to get me back. We worked on things for the last two months, and three weeks ago I moved back in with him because I love him and I felt like I owed myself and my daugther one more chance.
The first week was great. He cleaned the house, made the bed, took out the trash without me asking him to. I really thought, “WOW! I guess he has changed!” Yeah, that only lasted the first week. Last night he came home drunk out of his mind, not to mention he smokes weed too, and I am supposed to be okay with that. He doesn’t do it around our daugther, but when I came home from work today, I swear I smelled it in the bathroom like he had been smoking it in there. He always denies things like that. He doesn’t ever beat me, abuse me, call me names, or anything like that. But, I still feel as though I deserve better. I feel like I deserve a husband and father to my child to want to be home with his family. To not want to hang out with his friends all the time. I came home to a dirty house, the trash that I had specifically asked for him to take out twice was still sitting in the kitchen. I will be graduating from college in May, and I feel like I am trying to do things with my life, and he doesn’t care about anything but his friends, drinking, partying, playing the ps3. What do I do??
i desperately need some help..
My husband andi hae been having problems. we fight over the smallest things. We werent together long before i got pregnant with my firs son. My husband is in the military so weve mved away from m family and friends. Im pregnant again and we just cant seem to get along.
We went to our first couseling session and it went okay. I have given up a couple times of course for the moment and we have decided that maybe if i got back to school in my hometown that would be a nice time apart to see if that works for us because we are so young. he has been supportive when it comes to school but im scared that me leaving will drive him to cheat.
Hes a good father and itwill kill me to see my son apart from his daddy but is this the right thing to do?….its not for long…9 months and of course my husband and i will see eachother alot between that time.
thanksss
Thank you so much for writing all the posts. Here’s my story.
My husband and I have been together 3 1/2 years. We definately have nothing in commonm and on top of that he is very OCD. I don’t think our relationship is bad enough that I should leave, but I think about it all the time. Now we have a son who’s a year and I don’t live in my home state. So If I leave I don’t know if legally I can ake my son. And not having full custody would not be an option. I think about “if I leave” and couldn’t bare taking my son away from my husband, because he’s a good father and it’s not fair to him. My husband makes me feel like a little pea sometimes. He’s always right, and usually is unfotunately. He is a neat freak, which is fine excpet he wants me to be too. He refuses to get joined accounts, and even bought me my own laptop so we wouldn’t have to share one. After many arguments about showing effection, besides sex, his view is that he shows his love by supporting us. Now I work full time, but don’t make even half what he makes so I cannot afford the big items in the house. And he claims that I just can’t save. Now there’s two to three things that replay in my mind and I don’t know if these are red flags or just me being unreasonable.
1. I moved with him to his home state, before we were married. He bought my wedding rings because I was to be quiting a jewlery store job and it was a great deal. I found out I was pregnant right after he bought our house. He still didn’t propose. We decided to elope for insurance reasons a week after the prego test. And he didn’t really ask me to marry him, he said well I guess I should give you these. p.s. no honeymoon “for financial reasons either”
2. He’s always got something to say about the house being out of order. Now mind you our house is middle class type and we keep it quite clean. ” I’ve compared!”
Now my dad was also a neat freak, so when you heard dad pulling in from work you jumped to clean. I find myself cleaning for ” my husband” to make him happy. He doesn’t really yell I just don’t want the argument or comments that I did nothing all day.
3. My husband will NOT cook, I mean, at all. His two days off, I work he won’t even pull something out of the freezer. This drives me nuts. It’s not that he;s lazy cause he’s not he’ll be doing yard work or what ever, but I feel so mad when he won’t cook.
4. We have nothing in common, than maybe a couple tv shows.
I’ve found myself liking what he likes cause” you are what you eat” sort of thing, but I remember liking to play board games, and rollerblading, and such. None of which he will tollerate. I even go to the shooting range with him.
Please help! I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do. I don’t think counceling will work cause we just don’t connect.
thank you for your story im only 26 and i have been married for 2 years now but i have had it. i never do anything right and nothing is ever good enough he never shows me he loves me he just ignores me im always crying i think im going to leave
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. Deep down I want to leave but don’t know what I would do. We just moved to a new state and I still haven’t been able to find a job. Even if I could afford to leave I couldn’t bear not being able to see my kids (3 yr old girl and 5 month old boy) every single day but I couldn’t file for full custody either because he is a good father and my girl loves him so much. She would hate me if I did that to her. Anyway he is not a good husband. He drinks a lot.. not everyday but nearly. Over a two day period this past week he drank a 1.75 of bourbon by himself. He always has to drink to get drunk. Everyday..and I mean everyday he tells me I am fat and worthless. He tells me he hates me and I am ugly. He always has something to b*tch about. If I’m having a bad day and try and talk to him or try and talk to him about something I am interested in he tells me to shut up and that he doesn’t care. I am so used to the emotional abuse that I find myself believing the stuff he says. I don’t have any family close and being in a new town and state I don’t have any friends around either. The thing that kills me is that my family loves him. I haven’t told a soul about any of this.. his drinking or the way he talks to me. I wonder what they would think if they knew. yet, there is something inside me that wont let me tell them. All of this has been going on for at least 2 years of our marriage. Just recently though he has started shoving me or the occasionally swatting on the head in the car followed by him telling me I’m stupid. Last night though, we were talking about something.. and I took it as just talking and he started to raise his voice. I got defensive saying I wasn’t trying to argue but just trying to explain. He started storming off and I followed and he turned around and slapped me across the face (while I was holding our 5 month old, who thankfully was asleep) He then went into a bedroom and slammed the door. I set our son down and opened the door and he punched me, knocking me to the floor and knocking the wind out of me. Now I really want to leave but still have all these things holding me back. I don’t know what to do.
wow… how sad is it that we are all feeling the same way? could it really be that we are the ones to blame? Is he right is it really my fault? My husband and i have been married for 12 years, i was 16 when i left with him, he was 17, we are hispanic, and as you know cultural background has a lot to do with his way of being and my way of just taking it… we have been together since i was 14 years old, i am turning 28 this year, we have a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old, girl and boy respectively… being that we were married so young, we have been through our ups and downs… he’s cheated many times, he’s hit me before, he used to drink, sell drugs, he was extremely controlling, i cheated on him once and he knew, and we forgave eachother,,,, shortly after we began going to church and it kinda worked… gosh it’s a very long story..so i will try to sum it up a little… i feel we have both forgiven each other for our past mistakes, and we were good for a while, but then i started growing up, i started to become the woman that i was meant to be, i have given up many things to make him happy, singing, living, time with family…..i feel i have done everything i could to try transform myself to please him, asking for nothing i nreturn until jsut recently… and now that i realize how unhappy i am, i can’t seem to want to make it work anymore, i am exhausted…
he’s never been affectionate, and he’s always looked down his nose at me and my family… i never voiced my concerns or issues because i didn’t want to cause problems and feared he’s be mad at me…. for the past two years i have been cheating again, inorder to fill the void that he leaves… i know it is wrong, and that i am a dispicable person for doing it, but i am selfish….. I know i have to leave, but i am scared… although i have tried to end it with my husband twice in the past 2 years, because i know that i am so unhappy, he keeps convincing me to try it one more time… and me being the hopeful romantic keep coming back only to feel like crap again…
this morning he asked if i was comfortable with him..his way of asking if i am happy..u have to remember english is his second language…
that’s when i let him have it… i told him i didn’t know what i felt, i said i try everyday to make it work like i told him i would last time when i came back…i told him this time it would be forever that i would stop seeing our marriage as soemthing that i could jsut walk out on at any moment that i wanted to…and i have… i think…. we weren’t arguing or yelling or even talking roughly, it was calm and quiet and sincere…
i let him know that i feel tired of trying and that i think that our personalities clash so much…and I asked him to remember the first time (in along time) i left him almost 2 yrs ago after he totally dissed me after i broke my toe, and he said that he hated “the way i am , they way my family is and the way our son will be” (he was referring to my outgoing boisterous personality that my family and i share…which yes my son has) i told him that i was not going to change who i am, because that’s a part of me..and he said that he was sorry that he would change the way he is, and that he would accept me as i am… I asked him to remember what i told him “that i didn’t feel it was fair for me to ask him to change who he is, because I am asking him to accept me as i am…and that i knew that we can only change for a while because it’s all a charade…we eventually return to our original state”…i knew this because i have tried for so many years to be the kind of woman he wants me to be..quiet reserved, respectful, shy, the one that doesn’t care to relax or unwind after along day at work and only cares about having a clean house and pleasing her husband by keeping it clean at all times …. but come on….that’s not me…i am a strong willed woman, and yes i need to be able to rest when i get home…my house is not a pig stye(sp) it’s clean and presentable..do i mop everyday? do i sweep every day, no i know i should but i dont…but hey i’m not a hoarder there isn’t junk all over the house…it’s clean…just not like he would like it i guess…
he said he thinks that we are both tired of eachother, because any little thing about me makes him mad at me… and inturn he says he takes it out in the bedroom, that’s to say that’s why he holds out on me… he said that when he is mad at me , all he can thin kabout is every sinlge little bad thing about me and that he doesn’t feel like he wants to have sex with me, he said that feeling that way makes him not want me… i told him i understand where he’s coming from becasue i’ve felt that way before too…
i told him i think that he is starting to resent me and that’s why he gets mad at me so easily for the smallest things… i told i think it’s because for the past 14 years i had never voiced my opinions or feelings or emotions, because i didn’t want to cause problems or fight with him, and ididn’t want him to get mad at me… and now that i have begun expressing myself and actually asking for what i feel i need to be happy in out marriage, he probably feels like i am attacking him…and because he feels he has tried to give me what i need emotionally, and that it’s not enough for me…but truth is, when he’s actually doing the things that i ask of him… It’s perfect! i am happy, but like i said before that only lasts for a few weeks, maybe months because that’s not who he is…..
I told him maybe i have to many expectations for him, that maybe i should forget some of them and not push it, so that he can feel better, but then i would be in this situation again in the future feeling like something is missing not only from my marriage but also my life…. I feel unhappy alot of the times… and maybe the doctor is right, i may be depressed, and i truly believe that if I am,,,it’s because of my marriage… I don’t even know if my expectaions and needs that i ask of him are even plausable… the things I ask of him are that He is more affectionate, that he tells me that i am pretty, that he intiate sex, that he intiate a hug or a kiss…that he have that desire towards me and that he shows it… i ask that he makes an effort to be apart of my family..ie. parents brothers, aunts uncles, cousins etc. just as i have become a part of his… I ask him to take me on dates everyonce in awhile and make me feel special, by doing the above… for him to pretend that i am the most amazing woman that he has ever seen… and believe me I do these things for him I promise… I see him and i compliment him all the time… Itell him he’s hot, I praise him for accomplishments at work, He knows that he is wanted and desired… I go to all his family functions… like i said i have tried to change myself for him…but i always revert to being myself… there are times when he gives me a look or makes a comment about how i’m dumb or embarrasaing him for letting the hairdresser know that my son gets his thick hair from his daddy! i mean WTF! really!?
tell me the truth is what i ask of him too much?
i let him know that he has many good points and that if we ever split i would probably be alone for a while, becasue i know that i wouldn’t want to bring just anyone into my life… that I also know that his good points are very good points that I am thank ful for…and that I doubt i will find anyone else who will measure up to his good points…
his good points are the following:
he works very hard, makes good money, he has ambition to have nice things in life, nice house, nice cars. Work comes first!
He is a good provider (even though i pay for some of the bills and end up with very little money from every pay check, this in part is due to some credit cards i owe that he’s not aware of..lol)
He is responsible, he knows the importance of me paying bills on time, he saves money(but he’s really hard with it, if i want to get take out on the weekend i have to pay for it, so i am left with even less money)
He loves the kids, duh huh? he cares enough to try to be a good dad… he trys to be affectionate…(that’s what gets me, he has to TRY to be affectionate even with them..his own flesh and blood…he says that i make him be nicer to them, but that it takes a lot for him to be able to be that way with them)
He doesn’t drink, smoke, party, but i would like it if he wouldn’t make me feel so bad for wanting to have a mixed drink everyonce in a while…he makes me feel like I look like a hoe, or a slut, or a bad person or an alcoholic if i even joke that i want a maragrita…or that i have a little wine everyonce in a while…
he takes care of himself he looks good, he works out…
He trys…
so why is that all not enough for me, why can’t i jsut be happy with his good points and forget the rest? why can’t i just settle for him trying everyonce in a while? why am i so unhappy if i have it all? what’s wrong with me ?… Am i being a spoiled brat to want to have it all?
is it wrong for me to want my parents or my brothers to come visit me at my house with out feeling un welcomed? My hubby literally hides in the bathroom or rushes in says a quick hello, and leaves as soon as he can… My oldest brother has never ever been to my new house… i’ve been here for almost 2 years… my parents have probably been here a total of 4 times, only once when my hubby was present… but how can i ask him to be more apart of my family if that’s just his personality??? one time his parents visited us and before they arrived he talked down at me and said that when they arrived we better go outside, that he didn’t want everyone inside… i was like whatever it’s your family… but i felt horrible… idk why he’s like that? but that’ who he is…
Who considers it a hassle to have sex with his wife? shouldn’t he wantto tell her how much he wants her, or that she’s sexy? why not make her feel wanted and desired? why would he physically push her away if she comes up to him for a hug or a kiss, or to grab his package because she wants him Right Now?
Am I really asking for too much?
I feel these things are important to me, but then i start to thing that I am being selfish, or silly or unrealistic…
I constantly feel like I have to readjust my personality to please him, I feel like there is something wrong with my personality, like I am a bad person… I feel like I have to be perfect in his eyes, but even then I can’t make him happy, I am never enough for him…
Like i am always watching my back, and what i say, what i do for fear that he may misinterpret it.
but i stay because, I am afraid to make the biggest mistake of my life, to lose the man that was meant for me… only because i couldn’t compromise, to be alone and never find anyone else to love me or put up with me, or that i will find nothing but bad men that don’t measure up to any of my standards… I am so scared of feeling hurt and sad…of feeling that pain in my chest.. I am scared of being hurt and hurting him and hurting my children,,,, although i know they are already hurting…they make comments about how daddy is mean to mommy and they like it when we break up and come back because he’s nice… they see more than i would imagine, and that kills me!!!!
Am i being unreasonable with my requests? should i jsut accept it and continue?
but he’s said that all he can see is the bad, he’s not sure what he wants either at this point, i think we are both afraid to be alone…so we stay together even though we aren’t truly happy…we are content, but not happy… we are used to our situation and would rather be in our comfort zone than go through the hassle of finding someone new, a divorce, and being so heartbroken….
he has no friends, his family isn’t the greatest support group, so it would be harder on him emotionally… and i take that into consideration…
but how much longer can i continue to live like this?
am i being dumb? am I living in a fairytale state of mind….
i know that there is no perfect man, so should i settle for what i have?
i’m sorry for writing a book, but typing this helps me put things into perspective…
i am just really scared of being without him, afraid of losing him, of being alone…but i don’t know if it’s becasue i am in love with him, or because he’s what i am used to… or like i said becasue i am scared of being alone and making the biggest mistake of my life and ruining it for me and my children and my husband… the thing is , i really don’t want to live like this, and really if i am cheating on him… how can i want to stay with him?
it’s becasue i am a selfish spoiled brat… and I deserve to be treated this way by him… idk…i know i sound stupid saying that and that i should say it, but sometimes that’s how i feel…
i will appreciate ur feed back…
he called me this morning after he left for work and asked if he should come back home after work, or leave to his mom’s house,,,i told him that he should come home so that we could continue talking about what we feel is the best decision, but really I know that He will never fully change, so he will never really give me what i need, and that i will never fully be happy, and inturn resent him and continue to feel and do as i have been up until now…
i asked him to make 2 lists…one lsiting the characteristics of his ideal woman, and one listing why he continues to be with me…i asked him to be totally honest and not write what he thinks i want to hear…
but what to do if i don’t see it ever getting better, he won’t change so i’ll end up miserable, and if i settle, i will still be miserable eventually…
but based on the above points… would you say i should jsut be grateful for the good in him and oversee my other wants and needs?
i am not asking you to amake a decision for me, but i would like to know your opinion, … is this a case of a woman overeaccting and being spoiled or a brat? If so, i need to really change my way of thinking…
Wow. I can’t believe I just now found this site. I have been married for 15 years have 2 boy 12 and 13. My husband has always been very controlling. I have no idea why but I just learned how to live by the rules. When the rules were followed life was good. He can be very kind. Then BOOM when a rule isn’t followed or his leadership is challenged I suddenly become a worthless wh*re. I hang pictures and he comes home to tell me they look stupid there.
I quit work shortly after we were married to work for him. He calls me his partner but it’s really because he didn’t trust me not being with him. I have no freedom. If I want to go to the store he comes with me no matter what. My free time is when I stay with my kids.
He left us in a new home for 4 years while he worked out of town. During this time he would call constantly to remind me of where I could or couldn’t go. I would get yelled at for visiting my parents. I cried constantly. I was not allowed to have a job.
I finally met a man who enjoyed my company. I kept it hidden for 2 years. In this 2 years this man and I had a very strong relationship. We were always there for one another. He never really pressured me to leave, just suggested if I were so unhappy then leave.
My husband finally found out I cheated. That night he beat me in front of my kids. My youngest called the cops. Yet I would not press charges against my husband. My husband told me to leave. So I did with my kids. We didn’t get very far. My husband called begging us to come back. My kids were crying please go back. So I did. Since returning they get to listen to my husband tell them what an immoral person I am. And how worthless I really am. He took my phone. I have only hidden communication with friends, even less with my parents.
Yet I am soo afraid to leave that I just grow more and more tolerant to his actions. Once again I have learned to follow the rules and things are good. I wish I could just walk out and be free. I have no job, and nothing really. He has brioken me down so far I’m beginning to believe him. I worry as he says who would hire a 40 year old woman who has never had a real job? I can hear him now saying I told you so.
What’s wrong with me? Where do you all get the strength to walk away?
Hello. My name is Chantel. I am 25, a mother of four awesome children and I have been married for almost 3 years. Me and my husband have been together for nearly 11 years. But as of this day, I don’t know if I want to be with him anymore. He has hurt me in many ways that I feel I just ignore the fact he is even doing it. As recently as 2 months ago, I have had to call the police on him because he beat me up while he was drunk. Charges were layed. 2 weeks after the incident, he said he would quit drinking and he wanted to make things right between us, because he didn’t want to lose his family to drinking. Like the fool i am, i said ok, i wanted him to get well because i didn’t want our family to fall apart. For a while, things seem to go well. But it’s almost like he isn’t making an effort to change. Yes he is not drinking, but his attitude and verbal abuse remain the same. Everyday, morning to night, he asks me ridiculous questions like ” who did you have sex with” or ” are you having sex with your bosses at work” or ” who did you have sex with last year” or ” who did you have sex with 5 years ago” etc….. it just never ends. I always tell him everyday I’m not, because as a mother and wife I feel infedelity will only make you lose your dignity and change your family forever, which is why I never cheat. Yet he doesn’t believe me one bit. I have to put up with this bs everyday of my life and i just want to know when is it enough to just leave? I am depressed, I feel alone, I have no one to talk to because he doesn’t want me to see my friends. I don’t know what to do anymore. The only way out of this misery is if I just end my life, but I can’t because I love my kids too much.