Should I leave my husband?
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Take a breath and try to imagine yourself in a thankless marriage.
Now try to imagine having a little one watching and witnessing - the fights, the anger, the unhappiness or depression.
When marriage counseling fails (it did for me) and you have exhausted all of your options, emotionally and physically to make it work - when do you know if you should leave?
There were a few moments, split seconds of time when I knew I had to give up - that my ex-husband and I were impossibly different - and that he was impossibly uncommitted to truly being the best father and husband he could be. These moments were spread out over two years. And then one of them broke the camel’s back: he told me, didn’t even ask, told me - that he would not be working but staying at home until our (my) savings ran out. Then, he said, he would find a new job.
And that was it. I left - packed up our apartment - moved in with my mom (took little 4-month-old Benjamin of course) and got on with my life.
It wasn’t easy.
It isn’t easy.
But being in that marriage, with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother.
I received an e-mail this week that moved me to write this post.
I’m sure you hear it all the time, but your blog really touched me. I’m sitting here at work with a lump in my throat trying really hard not to cry.
I’m married with a ten month old (who is IT, and by it, I mean the absolute greatest love in existence, which you know all about). My husband is, as I’ve heard you describe your ex, USELESS. I read one of your first posts about him not moving the boxes, and that same exact situation has happened to me. Your ex sounds like he’s a good turner-arounder (is that even a word)—he can make something his fault or your fault in a matter of seconds, and takes responsibility for nothing.
Anyway, my husband has been out of town this week, and it’s given me a lot of time to think. Part of me (like a teeny tiny part) is scared to “be alone.”
Do you have any suggestions as far as finances go? Was the legal aspect of divorce and custody a difficult thing for you in that aspect (or others)?
What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence? Most divorced parents know the decision does not come easy. It’s not something you just snap into … you think, think, try and try again to make it work and then one day - that’s it - you’re done.
What tipped you? What was the deciding factor in your decision to get a divorce?
Lots of questions!
[Photo credit: Every Day Better Living.com]
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Single Mom S.O.S., Uncategorized, single mom, single moms
What tipped me?
Well it could have been the steak knife between the floating ribs on the right side but it really was me - realizing this situation would never change and I could never change it (it did take 14 years). The yelling and screaming would continue, if I stayed there would be nothing left of me. Yes, it did take months to come to this decision.
Well, I was never married…BUT…I was with my ex for 8 years. I left him when my little man was 15 months old. It was not a healthy relationship for quite sometime (it was a verbally and emotionally unstable one and was leading towards more) but I always managed to convice myself that it would get better, or made excuses for his behaviour.
My tipping point? When I was holding my little man in my arms and he was crying (tired pumpkin) and my ex pushed my backwards and told me to take the “kid” into another room and make him be quiet. Of course if my ex was sober, things probably would be different, but he rarely was. At that very moment I knew that this was not going to get better , in fact I knew it could only get worse and that I could NOT let my little guy grow up in that environment. I packed my stuff and left..baby in hand.
My decision to leave was scary, but I had to do what was best for my son. It’s been almost 8 years and I am proud to say I and debt free, I have a roof over my head, have re built an excellent credit rating, have re-discovered myself , re-built my self-esteem and have a happy and healthy son. By taking baby steps and staying strong, I firmly believe that anything can be done. Believe in yourself……
Wow.
absolutelystriking-at-gmail-dot-com
As another of the “I’ve been there!” women.. I just wanted to emphasize that it’s not worth waiting for something physical to happen, sometimes you know it’d never even get to that point in your situation, you just KNOW it’s not working..and never will. And it’s time to go. Know that you deserve the best, and if that’s not something you can realize at the moment, know your child does.. You can do it.
Best of luck to the person who wrote that.. I’m open to emails if anyone needs to talk
When my daughter was 9 months old, her dad and I got into a fight. A bad fight. A fight that had been building up for 2 years, and I had been swallowing every day, to save face. Lets just say what came out that night could have jeopordized the safety of everyone involved, and I’m glad it didn’t get as bad as it could have been. I left for Miami a few days after that fight, and was on my own for a week. I made all the decisions, took care of everything, and realized that I COULD do it alone. Why was I staying with someone who shoved me out of bed when he was angry at me?
When I got back, I never even unpacked. I left that same day.
I think the important thing is that nobody changes. If you think youve done everything to make the relationship work and YOU are still not happy, then leaving may be the best thing because HE/SHE aint changing. But of course its hard when there are kids and a long marriage and financial considerations. So everyday, you have to keep reminding yourself that you should get out of the relationship, or that you did the right thing in getting out. From the time I decided I should leave my spouse to the time I left her, it took me three years of counseling and looking at myself in the mirror, and even after I left, it was still hard. And its gonna be hard. Just know that. Its gonna be. But people shouldnt confuse the fact that its hard with the fact of whether or not they should leave. (Sorry for the long comment. I think your posts are really helpful to a lot of people and just wanted to chip in.)
I’m sorry in advance this is so long! I can’t say my reason was physical abuse or even screaming fights. He just makes everything my fault and doesn’t follow through on his promises. Um, that’s a little simplified. I really tried to make it work even though we separated before the baby came. I only recently decided it was okay to let go of my ‘ideal’ and what I thought a marriage should be when you have kids. Sometimes it’s better for a child to have a single parent who is happy than to be teaching them how to have toxic relationships as an adults in therapy! My turning point was when I realized I was protecting my son from toxic people but then was trying to force a relationship with a toxic person just bc he was his father!
Here’s my advice for the person in the email: You are not alone if you leave. You have family, and if not, build your friend network now. There are groups like meetup.com that can help you socialize with other single moms near you.
The financial part is the hardest about being a single mom. The cost of daycare is killer. Take advantage of any services you can and don’t be embarrassed. It can be humiliating at first but it’s only temporary! If you’ve been out of the job market a while, try temp agencies or go back to school! Open an account in just your name and make sure when you leave, you put half of what’s in a joint account in it! Otherwise you might not have access to your money later. Do not assume he will keep you on credit card accounts, etc. My ex took the car from me after I moved out. I came home from the store and it was gone 15 mins later! Absolutely go talk to a lawyer to find out what you can and can’t do.
Getting my divorce started wasn’t the hard part after he took the car and stopped giving me child support, finalizing it has been hardest! I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about it and that’s normal. There’s no guarantee your ex will follow the court orders to help financially, but it’s honestly better to know the court decided everything rather than hoping and begging for help! I hope that helps a little bit. Good luck!
The deciding factor for me was when I realized that if I heard the back door open and shut, I would automatically jump up and make like I was doing something constructive. If I was reading a book on the sofa, I would hide it under the cushions and pretend to be cleaning. Just to avoid the inevitable fight that comes with “what have you been doing all day”.
Life’s too short.
It is so hard to make the decision to be alone. Making the decision is the hardest part. You will second guess your decision a hundred times. The tipping point for me came when I really he was never going to make me a priority in his life, and he was never going to change. This came after finding out that he was cheating on me and lying to me for three months while I was at home with our nine-month old daughter. He wouldn’t stop communicating with the other woman, he wouldn’t quit the job he was working where she worked too (he is a bartender in a restaurant, and could easily found another job) and he refused to stop partying. It was a heartbreaking decision to make. I wanted to make the best decision for my daughter. I wanted a family and a husband. I had to give up my dream of a life with this person who I thought loved me. I finally asked him to leave. I didn’t want my daughter to see me being treated that way by her father. I also want a life with a person who loves me and will make me a priority in his life. You have a right to be happy. Children should see their parents in healthy relationships with people who make them happy. I know it is really hard. But I also know that you are stronger than you think you are. You don’t really know what you can do until you have to do it. I look back over the last six months, and I am amazed at what I have done for myself and my daughter. You will surprise yourself with how strong you are.
It is so hard to make that decision, but for me I suddenly had a sense of peace about it, that I would rather face a lot of hard work alone as a single parent to 3 kids, than have that bad feeling in my gut every time my husband came home and disrupted our peace and happiness.
When I told the kids we were leaving because I didn’t like how daddy yells so much, my middle kid (7 years old at the time) said “I thought you didn’t mind when he yells at us”. That sealed it for me. Like another poster said above, what are you teaching your kids by supporting the toxic relationship between them and your spouse?
I wanted to quit a lucrative engineering career to become a writer with no assurance of income. My wife didn’t want me to. After a history of her controlling me, I realized I could no longer allow her to dictate how I spent the rest of my life. And that was it.
Don’t get me wrong - I wasn’t about to put my family in financial strain. I worked my butt off to make sure we’d be well off before I made this career switch. And I spent years in counseling contemplating this decision. (btw - marriage counseling can only help two people communicate. It doesn’t help if one or the other has personal issues that need dealing with.)
Some books: “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay”, “Should You Leave?”, “Mom’s House, Dad’s House” (hence the title of my blog)
Divorce with kids involved is very hard. I usually advise people not to do it because if both parents stay inolved in raising the kids, any problems you had will still be there, and you’ll still be forced to deal with them. But if divorce is the only option, know that it’s possible, with a lot of work, to be happier in the end.
DadsHouse is so right. It’s very hard. I usually advise people not to do it as well. It’s heartbreaking and you are still in very close communication anyway. It adds financial strain, even to the best situations. I had a great job and house, but it still was stressful to be paying for and taking care of it all by myself. I deliberated my leaving for three years, because he was not trustworthy-and I still don’t trust him with much. But my daughter loves her father and I encourage their relationship as much as I can.
Good luck to the writer of that email…and we are out here.-people to talk to. Also, with age I’ve learned that gender differences are just so great-no matter who we are with, we will always have some level of conflict. It just depends how you deal with it.
Reading these posts I feel for all of you. Yes, I’m a guy. Yes I have feelings. I’m so sorry.
However, I have to ask: Didn’t you see this coming? You actually married these guys?
Now I know I’m stereotyping and please forgive me but I find that many, many women out there are more interested in the stud. The good looking guy. The guy who could be a model. The cute one. You name it. And, hey guys want the trophy. Why? After watching my two daughters date - now happily and I mean happily married, I watch them date these assholes that were good looking, but had absolutely no clue of life, how to be nice, how to treat a lady. But, knowing they had common sense I kept my mouth shut (most of the time) and it all worked out.
I married a model. Talk about arm candy. I met her in 1976 at a fashion show in NYC where I went because I was dating one of her friends. So happens we were introduced, this was on December 18th 1976. And we married on March 18th of 77. Exactly three months later. And we are still married today. It’s been 31 years now and still happy. How can that be? I wasn’t looking for anything other than a good time. I was home on vacation from the service, and just hanging with my friends. She wasn’t looking for anything either, just doing her job at a meet and greet after the show. we hit it off and we instantly new this was it.
I am not one of the aforementioned “model” type of men. I was in the Air Force, broke as a single guy can be and a little overweight. But I guess she saw through all the crap and saw ME.
Anyway, that’s my story. Sorry it’s so long. I guess my point is that sometimes, men and women just are attracted for all the WRONG reasons and everyone is surprised when things don’t work out.
best,
fatboyslimmed
Fatboyslimmed……nope…I didn’t see it coming…When we first began to date, all was well. He was not the arm candy…I was.
It wasn’t until we moved in together (after 3 yrs dating) that things began to slide. It was gradual, almost invisible..then it slowly increased but by then I was used to it, ‘numbed’ to it if you will. Then one day BAM…it was staring me in the face. But it was such a regular part of my life I began to believe what I was being told, how I was being treated, what I was being called. Things aren’t always black and white, there or gone. Sometimes, it creeps up on you when your defenses are down until something makes you look at it square in the face and find the strength to meet with it head on.
fatboyslimmed, I feel compelled to reply…for many reasons.
Thank you for being a guy and having feelings. Us women truly appreciate that combination.
Let’s say I can relate VERY WELL to this blog, and your reply struck a chord in me.
Since I’m probably pretty sensitive as far as this topic goes, I’ll apologize for sounding abrupt in advance.
I HATE when people ask questions like, “Didn’t you see this coming,” or, “How can you have married someone like that?” I’ve heard them both, generally after I’ve confided in someone about my unfavorable situation. Not only does this make me feel absolutely ridiculous, I feel like the blame is being put on me AGAIN (since generally, that’s how it goes around my house) for someone else’s behavior.
Let me start by saying this. Unfortunately, there are TONS of women who have a great relationship with a man that immediately changes, either right after they get married (my case) or right after they have children with the person. In can be a cultural thing, a total out of the blue thing, but it’s definitely a totally sucks thing.
Especially when there is evidence of abuse in a relationship (emotional or physical) it may not show up until much later on, and in the case of emotional abuse (something I’ve experienced) it often creeps up slowly, unnoticed, until the person feels like they’re going crazy.
I happened to meet my husband after getting out of a crappy relationship, going through counseling, and at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything. I was getting my masters, had a great life, and felt very good about myself. Our relationship progressed fairly quickly, and was very easy. Little to no fighting, we enjoyed each others company, and were very deep in love. Although I was intensely attracted to him, it was not based on looks. I’ve dated “bad guys” and was SO over it at the point I met him. Did I miss teeny warning signs here and there? Possibly, but going back to evaluate the past will drive me crazy. I’m a fairly intelligent and intuitive person, and feel like I can read people very well. In fact, that’s basically what I do for a living.
All this nonsense just to say this….
When women have an experience like this, the last thing we need is more judgement or blame. Not sure if you meant to come across like this, but you did. I’ve had my family and some of my (now former) friends do this, so I guess I can understand it to a certain degree, but please….choose your words carefully.
mssinglemama, THANK YOU for this post. a million times.
“What emotional or financial advice would you give to women who are on the fence?”
It’s better to eat rice and beans, than to suffer emotionally for the rest of your life. Financially, its very difficult for single parents. There’s no getting around that fact. However, I think having an emotionally distraught marriage/parenting team is far worse for your children than not being able to afford the luxuries.
Love > Food for me.
I had been thinking about leaving about a month before my daughter was born.
I was pretty sure I was leaving when my daughter was 2 months old.
I started actually planning ahead officially to leave when DD was 6 months old. The day my ex told me I was worthless, I was not okay, and I wouldn’t be able to survive without him.
I filed when DD was 18 months.
I can’t vouch for anyone else’s financial situation, but I gave up a good job and support system to “work on the marriage”. It was all right there waiting for me the moment I made a couple phone calls. I got lucky. I’m better off financially and emotionally without the ex.
To me, it’s easier and less stress doing this by myself than it ever was with the ex around, being married, having to follow his rules, and try to keep up his image.
strangely I know exactly how you feel. I was in a long term relationship with a turner-arounder. Though she worked her ass off at the office the house was always a mess. And a non-existant social life matched with constant depression.
I am so sorry for your situation….i hope you find in life what is best for you.
Man oh man… after reading a number of these comments, I’m feeling pretty guilty for having survived the ups and downs of married life thus far. It’s not always easy, but we do respect each other. That seems to be missing in a number of the marrianges/relationships written about above.
I don’t get dadshouse, tho. Maybe I don’t have enough info from the dude to form an informed opinion.
I came to believe that the risk being on my own, with no guarantees but the possibility of something better, was more appealing than staying in a predictably flat-lined marriage.
I left my baby’s father after living with him for almost two years. I can relate about turning things around. He always turns things around on me. He has turned it around to make the break up my fault. He told me that he wasn’t happy with me since before my baby was born and gave me all the reasons why it was my fault. I told him to leave. I agree with mssinglemama that “being in that relationship with someone who gave me no respect, no affection, no empathy or even friendship was harder than being a single mother”. I left him when my son was 6 months old. My son is now 11 months old. I couldn’t imagine being with him now. He was charming and did so much for me in the beginning, and then when I became pregnant, he started becoming emotionally abusive. He would call me names and yell at me for no reason. I am a feminist and I have my master’s in psychology. I thought I would never be in a situation like this. I was very ill during my pregnancy and almost died. He was minimally helpful at that time and then became more interested in his own interests when our baby was born. I had to do everything myself. I worked about 50 hours a week and I did everything around the house too. I would nurse the baby then beg him to watch him while I shoveled snow, mowed the lawn, cleaned house, or took a shower. He helped if he felt like it. If he didn’t feel like helping, I would just have to deal with it. It is SO MUCH BETTER knowing that I will have do everything that needs to be done but I don’t have to deal with him! I have an advanced degree, but I make $33,000 a year, which is better than some, but still hard. I am taking him to court for child support which in Illinois is 20% and medical insurance. He is trying to get out of it. I can’t stress this enough… It is rough, but it is so much better than having to deal with him every day. People in my life help me more because I am a single mom.
sauer kraut - what did you not get about what I wrote? Happy to explain more. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. Basically at some point I wanted to follow heart and do work I was passionate about, rather than do what was logical. I think a lot of writers/artists/musicians might relate to that.
fatboyslimmed - you asked “Didn’t you see this coming? You actually married these guys?” I think when people fall in love, a lot of times there are subconscious triggers firing that they don’t see. So, the answer is no, they didn’t see it coming. These triggers later become hot buttons getting pressed like crazy. A lot of times people come together as a couple just so they can work on stuff that needs to be subconsciously worked on. Divorce without facing those issues means you have to work on them later with someone else. What you resist will persist.
A Message To Single Mom’s: Be clear on the goal.
I work with people who marry, have a child, then find out the person they shopped for did a bait and switch it seems. They fall “out” of love, “drift apart”, “grow apart” whatever they call it. What eventually happens is the mom feels lonely after the divorce or incomplete and she starts the search for a new man. I’ve spent time with these moms who don’t want to be single moms. I’ve found they are not clear on their mission. The pain of raising their small kids alone is more than they can endure.
It’s suffocating they tell me. They need relief. A dad, a man, provides that relief. Problem is, mom’s need to find a guy who will love a child who is not his. In my professional opinion of working with bad and dying marriages for years, single mom’s need to get clear on the goal. The goal then is to find a “nice guy”. In their twenties, girls usually don’t go for nice guys.
Nice guys don’t excite, they don’t provide “sparks”, they don’t play games very well, they don’t “turn girls on”. In fact, if you ask some women - they’re boring.
But after a divorce and living with their biological children and no helper, the new search for a man begins. Should the old rules apply in the dating scene where sex appeal, romance and a knight in shining armor is the goal?
Lori Gottlieb, author of the March Atlantic Monthly article “Marry Him” says no. She kept turning men down till she got impatient for a child and had a sperm donor make her baby possible. Now she regrets it. Her advice is “settle” for a nice guy. If you care to, read more about Lori’s opinion at my blog…
http://fulfilledcouple.com/blog/?m=200803
Larry:
I don’t think any one of us (other than Lori Gottlieb) ever sought out to become a single mom. It’s not easy. But these marriages, including mine, were harder.
I didn’t divorce a Mr. Good Enough. I wouldn’t have divorced a Mr. Good Enough. As Gottlieb writes, her definition of a “good enough” man is a decent guy who takes out the garbage, and brings home a salary.
And yes, it’s hard and often “suffocating” to be a single mother. And yes, finding someone to love my biological child like his own would be a welcome relief - but I’m not sitting around waiting for it to happen. What if it doesn’t? What if I marry a Mr. Good Enough who actually makes my life worse?
And it’s funny because Lori Gottlieb herself, acknowledges that “settling” isn’t so easy after you’ve had a child:
“And while I have a much higher tolerance for settling than I did back then, now I have my son to consider. It’s one thing to settle for a subpar mate; it’s quite another to settle for a subpar father figure for my child. So while there’s more incentive to settle now, there’s less willingness to settle too much, because that would be a disservice to my son.”
I just think it’s funny that you’re referencing a single mom who still hasn’t even found Mr. Right, let alone Mr. Good Enough…and one who has never been married.
What should our goal be then? I’m quite confused and a bit dumbfounded by your comment. Should our goal then be to find a man?
Perhaps you should counsel your single moms that maybe the relief they seek is not in a man at all - but within themselves.
I don’t think the ‘goal’ of a single mom should be to find a daddy for her kid. First of all, they already have one (even if the dad is not so great). I believe they should have strong male figures to look up to, but not a replacement parent. Its wrong to try and replace the father, even if you hate the father’s guts and he doesn’t parent like you would or seem to have much interest. When the child is old enough, they will see the difference between a parent who loves them and works their butt off for them and a parent who doesn’t put forth any effort into being a parent. Besides, I know that NO ONE can replace me as my daughter’s mother and I would be furious if my ex even tried to. I don’t have any respect for my ex-husband, but he is the father and you just don’t do that. If you could just pick and choose who is your family, I think a lot of people would have voted off quite a few relatives long ago. Your family is your family. Period.
As for the main concern of the post…I never would have been able to do it financially or emotionally without my family. I can never pay them back for the support they gave me (and I don’t mean money). The most important thing, I think, to have is someone who’s got your back, someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation, who is only looking out for YOU. You feel like you are in a whirlwind of emotion and you’ll want to do stupid things (like try to get through them “one more time” that you are serious about divorce, but its not too late, if only they’d really HEAR what you are saying and whats wrong with the relationship).
The man I married was NOT the man I divorced. We’d known each other at 14 years old and dated for a year and half. We stayed friends all those years. We got together again and married at 21. So, I’d known my husband for 7 years prior to marrying him and I knew him well, especially in those formative times. He respected me as a person, a woman, a friend. Our marriage was great. We never fought, always got along, laughed at each other’s jokes, etc.
We planned to have a child when I was 22. I mean PLANNED. I got off birth control for over a year and we were very careful. We talked about what we would do in various parenting situations, what our roles would be (he’s good at math, I’m good at science and English, so I’d help kiddo with the subjects I’m good at; I’m not good at ‘bossing people around’, so he’d be ‘bad cop’).
When I was 23 we started trying and right out of the gate, we got pregnant. He was so happy and excited…until my belly, according to him, “was looking kind of gross”. I was already an insecure person about my looks, so getting vivid purple stretch marks on a ever-growing belly freaked me out…without having him confirm my insecurities. As the pregnancy went on, the more disconnected he became from me. I didn’t have cravings, mood swings, etc. My pregnancy was very easy, other than having myself and my husband make me feel like a disgusting blob incubator for our baby.
And then BAM…just like so many other people, my husband became VERY selfish and all about himself. Constantly wanted to go out and party and leave me and the baby home. He wouldn’t come home at night. He’d barely play with her after work, then leave 5 minutes after he came home and go back out and “hand out with his friends”. This guy was SO EXCITED to become a dad, he seemed so family oriented. He left us without a car, took any money I had made, left us stranded while he went out and partied…and, I didn’t know it at the time, but go cheat on me with some girl he had met on his route.
From the start of the pregnancy, he began to change gradually, and also gradually changed how he treated me. I have a personality that is “I try to make everyone happy, even at my own expense”. Little by little he brainwashed me to accept more behavior that no one else would have stood for (going to the strip club right after work, then not coming home until 3 am). He worked on my self-esteem (especially after baby came and I didn’t immediately bounce back to my 120 pound self). It really was so gradual that it was invisible. He turned my into a doormat with his manipulations.
If I had an insecurity that I wouldn’t be a good mom, he would feed into that and encourage my insecure thoughts. If I asked him if I was still attractive to him, he’d find a way to make me feel bad about my appearance, especially those stretch marks (I really wasn’t too bad, stretch marks and all).
When did I finally stand up for myself? Never, actually. I finally stood up for my daughter. I think I was too brainwashed to do that. When I confronted him on various things, such as “I don’t have a car and you are never here. What if something happens to our daughter” and his response was “Call an ambulance”. When he spent all of our money on going to the bar every night and at strip clubs, yet we can’t afford new clothes for our daughter. When I realized that me and my daughter were living in poverty, yet his $900 a week check was all going toward him and his party lifestyle and we had no food in the house, no car.
He was never home. He BEGGED me to have a child this early (I had wanted to wait until we were more financially stable; we lived with his parents throughout the pregnancy and for 4 months after baby was born). THEN, he turns around and wants the Single Man Lifestyle…but he wants us waiting for him at home if he ‘feels like’ playing with the baby, or if his family is coming by, he’ll pretend he spends all this quality time with her, that he’s actually home sometimes. He was gone 5 out of 7 days a week…and here he was playing it up for photo ops and family that he’s a ‘family man’. His family, when I divorced him, were absolutely floored and had no idea what me and my daughter had been going through for 17 months. They had no idea he was cheating on me, spending all of our money on himself and partying and not providing for me or his daughter whatsoever.
I finally demanded he stay home at least 4 days a week with his family, fix the car so I would have one, and stop taking the money I’d make online for his overdraft fees and partying. He basically denied he was gone as much as he was, said it’d only been a month that the car had been broken (it was SIX MONTHS) and got defensive and said that I can’t have any of HIS paycheck if I was going to get all pissy about him taking MY money. I told him he was financially irresponsible, constantly overdrafting our account, not getting the bills paid on time, etc., he denied. He denied there being any problems with him as a father, a husband, a provider and said that all the problems lay with me, essentially a single mom even though I technically had a husband. I did all the raising, feeding, getting up in the night, the parenting, the cleaning. I mean EVERYTHING…while he was gone for 5-6 days a week partying and cheating on me while I raised the child he has so desperately claimed to want to have and be a father to.
I realized it would be hard to break off my relationship with HIM…but not so much break off financially from him. I was pretty much already a single parent (he only played with our daughter for a few minutes when he was home; usually, he slept the whole time he was home, then ran out again). My mother was willing to let us stay with her. My sister and her husband came over and fixed my van (my sister had given it to me). Once a had a vehicle, I had my mom watch my daughter while I a) opened a checking account he didn’t know about at another bank in only my name and b) filed for aid from the state and b) filed for divorce. Throughout taking all those big first steps, I would call someone and tell them, “Remind me again that I can do this, why I’m doing it, keep me and my car going in the direction of the courthouse” and they did. They could see how he was treating me and wanted to get me and my daughter out of a bad situation.
I flip-flopped on my decision many times (only in my head though, I would not allow myself to get emotional and drop the divorce; he wasn’t getting better or changing). I still loved him deeply, did not want to believe he was cheating or that he could be a man that would treat his wife and daughter this way. I wanted the family I had created to stay together, to make it work. But…I knew I had tried like hell and tried EVERYTHING to make it work. But, its like rowing a boat. If only one oar is dipping in the water, you aren’t going to go in any direction except a circle.
Sorry so long winded, but my point was that this new spouse sneaks up on you. This is not the kid I knew when I was 14, this is not the man I married at 21, and this is not the person who’d been my friend and ally for all those years. So no, I didn’t have a clue, especially because of his brainwashing (and I really do mean that - if someone said something bad about how he treated me, I was conditioned to defend him and find a reason/excuse for why he would treat me that way).
And once I filed the divorce papers, he became a complete MONSTER. Even I never would have guessed the viciousness inside of him. He would do things that in the long run would hurt our daughter, just to get back at me. He never imagined the dog he kicked would finally just up and leave instead of continuing to take it. He was /insulted/ that his doormat would just say “You know what, enough is enough. Stop treating me like crap. I’m leaving”. And so he attacked and attacked, and maintained a “I’m a mature adult who only had a friendship with this woman and my ex-wife was just the ‘jealous type’”. No, I wasn’t the jealous type, and I didn’t know who the woman he was cheating with me was until he told me he was moving in with her once I filed for divorce.
My sister gave me this advice: “If you can’t picture yourself old on the porch with him 20 years from now…heck, if you can’t picture a good relationship with him sitting on the porch a YEAR from now…you need to leave, even if it will be hard on you”.
My ex-husband’s mother gave me this advice (though she probably never imagined I’d apply it to this): DON’T PUT UP WITH SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T THINK YOU CAN PUT UP WITH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I just couldn’t put up with any more crap. I became the type of person that would take A LOT of emotional and psychological abuse and lived with it….but honestly, ex-husband just pushed his boundaries too far, pushed me to far. I hope this helps someone who was in a situation like I was. I swear to you, it is scary and hard (mostly at first) but I LOVE my life. I don’t just tolerate it - I LOVE MY LIFE and it is MINE now! No one controls me anyone. I do what I want and I feel my daughter is way happier now (she doesn’t have to have an absent dad, since he’s required to take her and it would look bad to his family if he didn’t take the time with her the court gave him; she doesn’t have to see Mommy sobbing every single day and upset — she used to hug me a lot to comfort ME, her mother - that’s not the way its supposed to be!).
The first 3 months were the hardest, but nothing could have been more worth it. I’m extremely proud of myself for leaving a horrible marriage and doing the right thing by my daughter. We are conditioned to think that “staying for the kids” is the right thing. It’s not. Holding a baby while having a screaming match at your spouse is NOT the right thing. We are conditioned to think that a family is “Mom, Dad, kids” but it doesn’t HAVE TO BE. My daughter and I think of our family as “Two against the world”. Its just me and my kiddo. She senses her dad’s lack of interest in her, she knows that Mommy would do anything for her and tries her best FOR HER. Being a mom is the biggest thing defining me and I love it.
I know she senses the changes in me. Instead of a weak, crying doormat mother…she’s sees my real personality. She’s seeing that Mommy can be funny and goofy, that’s she’s good at Buzz Lightyear impersonations, that Mommy is happy and confident and fun and capable. She’s is seeing the me I wished I could’ve been when I was married, but her dad was crushing the spirit right out of me.
I get huge hugs and lots of affection (I’m an affectionate person and taught her to be one). She knows she can count on me, even if she can’t count on her dad. She sees a strong, capable, and even fun woman who happens to be her Mommy.
If you are seriously unhappy and seriously considering divorce, and you’ve tried everything to keep your marriage and NOT throw in the towel, and you are the only one trying…yeah, its time. It will be worth it. Hard, but VERY worth it.
Question now is: What man?
misssinglemama, I was responding, I think, to women who think of themselves, their own feelings, their own loneliness and then think of their children next or second.
I sometimes weary trying to get through to these ladies and that’s why my comment about being clear on the goal sounded the way it did. You obviously are not one of those women. Your goal is to consider what KIND of man your son will be influenced by. I love it! I wish more single mothers believed the way you do. Best of all I liked your comment about seeking something within themselves. You’re exactly right.
That’s where you attract who you attract. I teach a course called Becoming An Environment Changer and 80% of my students are men whose wives are threatening to divorce them. The minority of my students are women whose husbands are acting immorally yet these women still want to hold on to their marriages. These are very determined women. Not like the single moms I first referred to.
Per your suggestion, I cannot counsel every single mom that “the relief they seek is not a man but is within themselves”. My experience verifies to me that the majority of women are not ready to hear your message or even to apply it to themselves. They are what I think of as “non-students”.
OMG when my mother (of course) being the feminist matriarch that she is, brought me that “Marry him” article, she was outraged and shocked at the notion of “settling” just for the sake of having a partner in life. I thought the article was honest and there were some parts that rang so true in my ears.
My philosophy is that we, as Americans, are so used to having our needs met, at the exact time we want them met, WHEN we want them met, with WHOEVER we want them met with…that we have set up an impossible situation when it comes to being a partner with someone. NO ONE is gonna have thier wishes fufilled ALL the time in a relationship, but we are so….dare I say,,,,selfish….in the “Its MY right” and “I’m entitlled to” way of thinking.
Its hard to sacrifice much of yourself when you are so used to instant gratification.
Stream of conciousness for ya.
looking back on things i’ll admit there were warning signs, but i was in love and hopeful and i guess pretty stupid. hey, at least i can admit it. i over looked a lot of things in the 12 years of my marriage. i just wanted things to work out and i thought i’d be a failure if they didn’t. then i realized that my real failure was staying in an unhappy marriage and seeing it effect my children.
final straw: 2 months after the stillbirth of my son (well, sons. it was an undetected acardiac pregancy) i changed. the death of my baby was a huge slap in the face and i realized that life is short - way too short to stay in a marriage where no one is happy. when i told him he agreed and we decided to get divorced. we’re in the process now and we get along so much better. it’s really weird. financially i’m better off - he was a spender and very impulsive.
2 Groups
Hanna, you are one of those people who are aware of the problem of selfishness. You are keenly tuned into the idea that demanding what you want and focusing on yourself not only disappoints, but instant gratification is also a mistake in human relations 101.
I was amazed at how you divided your belief from your mother’s reaction to Lori Gottlieb’s article. She, being the feminist and matriarch, was outraged at the idea of accepting something less for some greater good. You on the other hand see a greater good and are willing to put off getting your way. You must take after your dad.
Misssinglemama of this blog is cut from your same cloth because she mentioned above, what I think is a profound and wise statement about another single mom when she said “the relief they seek Is not a man, but is within themselves.” It’s almost like you can divide the world between those who are not aware of their own selfishness and how dominant it is in their life, and those who are highly aware of being self centered and how much they don’t want to live that way. Group 1 could be called “What About Me Now?!”, and Group 2 could be called “Consider At All Sides”.
Even if I’m keenly tuned to our society’s problem of self-centeredness, I still don’t know what to do with it. I’m still conflicted by it.
I was raised in a feminist home, where I was taught to value myself, and that my needs and wants shouldn’t be brushed aside for the sake of someone else’s. I was taught to stand up for my rights, and claim my independence.
This philosophy, of course, was met with open hostility when I entered the dating world, because who wants to be competing with their partner about who’s needs get met first? Why should it have to be a debate on who is more important, or who isn’t being respected enough? Can’t it just be about two people who love each other? And was it ever like that?
I put my needs aside 9 out of 10 times with my daughter’s father, and it failed miserably. Would things have been different if I had followed my mother’s philosophy? I guess I’ll never know.
Larry -
I think more women are open to hearing that they don’t need a man than you may think, or that society thinks.
All we hear (movies, tv, books) is that we all need a man to feel fulfilled, that we need romance…a husband. What if there were several voices, not just mine, telling women that they first have to be one with themselves and that men are actually quite a pain in the ass!
: )
Anyway, thanks for your comments - appreciate you weighing in on this and that goes for everyone! Love this discussion.
And Hanna - you’re mom sounds awesome. And yes - I think there can be genderless relationships, just depends on how we look at them. Feel like that a lot b/c I’m such a darn alpha-female.
Missinglemamma, you ID’d yourself as a “darn alpha-female” so from that I’ll conclude that you’re quite a strong woman, know what ought to be and should be and you make sure that the people in your life know your opinion and the way things should be done. I’m married to your sister. I call my Marsha the strongest willed woman in the world.
You mentioned that you feel like it would be good to have genderless relationships and I can see why you’d feel that way. Most women are not “alpha-female” strong women. Instead, they are like Hana.
Hana nurtures naturally, she’s sensitive, warm, compassionate and hurt when others hurt. She feels what other people are feeling, cares what people close to her think and she wants to be accepted by everyone that matters. She’s uncomfortable with conflict, puts the needs of others ahead of her own and cares a lot because she can’t help but care. That’s why Hana explained her strong mother’s belief system and contrasted it with her softhearted ways. I know Hana is softhearted and fits this description because I’m the same way and I married a woman like her mom. It was a massive shock to me 33 years ago when I realized who I married.
It would be great if strong women didn’t have to deal with the attitude and push back they get simply because they are strong willed. Like you, missinglemamma, they know what they want, they know what’s right and what’s wrong and they will fight back for what they believe in. When they marry a guy who does not fit what they believe a man should be, most of the time I’ve found, these strong women, with less patience, weigh their options and choose divorce rather than dive into a reclamation project to transform their troubled man. My strong wife, on the other hand, choose a reclamation project and saved me (troubled man) from certain death…which was the sad lives of my brother and sister. I would have ended up that way if she gave up on me. It was highly painful for both of us, took 27 years but she got the job done. Now we’re best friends and actually happy together. I married her the year Nixon was impeached and fell in love with her when the second Bush was elected.
I have lots more to say on this but I do tend to ramble so I’ll cap it right here.
Wow Larry - that’s really amazing! I am so glad you shared that story. I do think I will need someone who compliments my strong will … you know?
But as you probably know from your wife by now - us strong alpha-females also have a very, very tender inside (at least I do). And I choose to share that with men who take the time to understand and know me … and those are usually the best kind of men because they aren’t intimidated or insecure.
On the strong women usually leaving their marriage, rather than buckling down and working on it … this was not the case. In fact, being married opened my eyes … I surprised myself in that I was incredibly flexible, bending, molding…trying so hard to make it work.
The language barrier didn’t help. Not sure if you read up but my Ex and I married after only 3 months (he needed a green card and we were in love.) Sigh.
I can relate with so many of these posts. My husband is selfish, inconsiderate, and very disrespectful. It first started with emotional abuse; name calling, telling me I was nothing. After a couple of years it turned into physical abuse; although, I can say he has only hit me a few times. I have a two year old son and he is the only reason I stay. I do not want my sons life to be any less than what it could be just because I could not handle my circumstances. I’m so unhappy and wish for more; but, honestly is the grass any greener on the other side? Is it really worth uprooting your family and setting new roots?
Is the grass greener?
I too had an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive husband - and yes, it’s definitely greener. With that said - we are each different. And every circumstance is different.
Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you exhausted all options? There is always hope, I think, for any marriage if both sides are willing to make it work …
I asked myself a few questions when deciding whether to leave my ex.
1. Do I want my son to grow up and treat women this way?
2. Am I really happy?
3. Do I want him to witness a divorce when he’s older?
I always say - and so do a lot of single moms who read this blog - being a single mom is hard, but being in a miserable marriage is harder. But you have to be strong … don’t expect a prince charming to pop out of the sky.
Good luck! Please keep us posted.
HelpPlease,
I’ve been working with couples for many years and I’ve seen something very simple. In virtually every husband’s situation, he treated his wife the exact way his father treated his mother. He discovers this when I ask the husband this specific question “How did your father show you to treat a woman by the way he treated your mother?” This question produced what I call the Mother Lode of Marriage. This is the master program in his brain that guides every action and decision he makes regarding his wife. It’s right on target every time.
Take a look at some of the Mother Lode of Marriage programs, summed up in a single sentence by each guy himself. By the way, in each of these marriages, the husband was a big part of the marriage misery. Here’s some of the Mother Lode master programs I’ve found in real men raised by fathers who didn’t know how to be.
-Be self absorbed and unaware of her needs. -Do what I want and be submissive to me. -Women are dangerous so keep them at a distance. -Control her every move and then have power and security. -Attack her if you feel attacked and run from trouble.
You can see that by asking a man the question “How did your father show you to treat a woman by the way he treated your mother?” you will eventually come up with a single summary statement that sums up how that guy’s father lived regarding his wife. Men are completely and totally unaware of this, and certainly, they cannot see it clearly. You should be aware of it and ask your husband the question, but do it when he’s calm. His answer will tell you about your future with him.
From your missinglemamma email, it’s easy to see your husband’s father had a temper. Your husband has a temper. He can’t control it and that’s why you’re suffering today. There is an answer, but not all men are interested in it. They’d rather be a slave to their childhood programs.
You are right, my husbands father is extremely mean to his wife. However, my husband wasn’t always this way to me. He didn’t start until after returning home from the military. I keep telling him he needs to get help; but he won’t. Anyways, I think the reason I am so unhappy is becaue he is so selfish. Whenever I give charity or say I feel sorry for someone he gets mad at me. We married when I was only 18 and I don’t think I really knew who I was. Now I have changed so much and I just can’t see where he fits.
PleaseHelp - will he go to marriage counseling???
The hard part is knowing when to decide that the work has been put in to save the marriage but it won’t work. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and was in danger of being both victim and perpetrator of actions like you describe. It’s been a big source of blog therapy
I put my foot down and said that I was leaving because I couldn’t stand the anger and abuse that was being unleashed on me for reasons that were nothing to do with me. I was a good dad and husband.
Somehow, as if awakened from a spell, my wife came to and realized that she had her fair share of blame to take in all of it. That was five years ago and inexplicably, we got back together and have survived without any of the previous ups and downs.
All marriages will have them,…but the question is what lies beneath them.
I love your blog and I will be back.
PleaseHelp- My son’s father acts like his father too. He is controlling, emotionally abusive, and thinks he is always right. I kicked him out 5 months ago, and the stress level is so much more manageable now. I struggle with daily stuff that goes along with raising a 12 month old son and working full time with an 1 1/2 hour commute every day. The job barely pays the bills, but I have so much peace at home. It is impossible to express how much happier I am. Guys are NEVER that way in the beginning. No one would marry them if they were! You cannot have your son growing up thinking this is how you treat women. That is how we ended up in this situation. Because my son’s paternal grandmother and your mother in law put up with it and our children’s fathers learned how to treat women from that. BREAK THE CYCLE! Also… you are minimizing the physical abuse. If it happened a couple times, it will happen again, and it will get worse. If he won’t get help, you have to leave.
Reading the comments here, it sounds like all the men were terrible and women helpless victims. It takes two to dance, eh?
In MY experience, I found that it can be easy to get caught up in the whole “romance model” pushed by popular culture, especially when it comes to marriage and having children. I make a distinction between romance (at least what it’s called nowadays) and passion. “Romance” is often empty gestures pushed by the greeting card and wedding industry, while passion (lovers) tempered by mutual respect (friends)is the fertile soil where a long term relationship can be nurtured.
Marriage as an institution has failed many, and often couples see having children as a way to have a closer bond and then are dismayed by how it can create distance between them.
More on this in my blog:
A Case Against Marriage: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/02/04/a-case-against-marriage/
A Case Against Having Any or More Children: http://99ppp.wordpress.com/2008/04/01/a-case-against-having-any-or-more-children/
hmmm…..Softhearted…I’m a Pisces, what can I say? I hope one day I can find my assertive counterpart that doesn’t rip that softheartedness to shreds. I’ll be damned if I let that happen again. I guess my softheartedness is more of a soft underbelly now, I’ve grown a few scales since then.
After reading all these stories, it seems that most women here dumped their baby’s father during pregnancy or relatively soon after it.
I wonder how much of these can be attributed to the emotional roller coaster that comes with a pregnancy, for both parties. Due to my gf’s line of work, I’ve become quite knowledgable on that subject. For many men, a pregnancy (during and after) can make their partner lose sexual appeal. Some are even left lightly traumatized after watching their woman give birth. I’m not saying it’s right or not, but it is frequent. This might cause the man to withdraw. A man may withdraw even more after the child is born as it requires a lot of attention. Some will do it by hiding…staying longer hours at work for example. Others will start being needy to get attention. Others will simply sit around, clueless and helpless. Remember that us men do not carry the child. Being a father becomes a tangible reality pretty much overnight and the shock and transition does not go smoothly for all men. Going from irresponsable teenager to father can make some guys short circuit temporarily.
Add to that a very exhausted mother who’s constantly busy with a newborn. Throw in some post-partum (which is more frequent - to different levels - than people think) and you got the perfect combinations for a break up.
I’m not judging anyone here but all those divorce stories are alike, here or elsewhere. A child arrives. The man withdraws. The woman dumps him. Fin.
I wonder how many of those marriages would’ve been saved had those couples given it more time to adjust and had they been supported by qualified people.
I’m defenitly not implying anyone here should second-guess their decisions. That’s just stupid. I just wonder, from a sociological point of view if you will, if people were more prepared for that specific adaptation period, would more of them work it out rather than dump each others?
I don’t know AlLaf. I think a lot of what you described about what the man goes through makes sense. My ex said he saw my insides all taken out. That can’t be very sexy. I also had to nurse all the time because our child was premature so he didn’t get a lot of attention. I tried to explain to him it was temporary and we would get through it. He went out all the time and had people over at the house constantly. He ended up telling me on my baby’s 6 month birthday that he hadn’t been happy since before I was pregnant. That we had different religious backgrounds (he is Catholic and I am Pagan), and that he couldn’t stand to be around me. He said that the sound of my voice made him sick and that he didn’t feel he could leave because his parents would kill him. So I didn’t feel like I had a choice. I had to kick him out. He said he wanted to stay out of convenience because all of his stuff was here and it would be a hassle to move. This was such a kick in the teeth because I was so busy working 50 hours a week, taking care of the house (by myself.. even stuff like shoveling snow in between nursing. I never got sleep because he woke every couple hours for feedings until he was 10 months old. He also turned emotionally abusive after I got pregnant, but I still stayed with him until he gave me the break up talk. Then I did what I felt I had to do.
Hi, I am glad to have found this site. I have gotten to the point where I cannot put up with my husband any more. I believe that he has slowly changed in the five years that we have been married. First of all, he blames me for everything, and he is never at fault even when it is blatantly obvious that he is! We have five children in our home, three of them ours and two from my first marriage. My marriage was “arranged” in that we did not date before marriage. Over the years, he has become more and more argumentative, self righteous, and condescending. He constantly makes fun of my weight, saying hurtful things like “Wanna burger?” everytime we pass a fast food joint. I have told him to stop doing this, but when I do, he insists that he is joking and that I should lighten up. He also makes a point to tell me how the women that he works with flirt with him. Maybe he wants me to know that he is “marketable” and I am not.
What has me most disturbed now is that he actually seems to enjoy going to work and working more that spending time with his family. He says he does not, but even I notice that he oftern mopes around the house, dozing off and then seems to pep back up when it comes time to get ready for work.
We cannot carry on a productive conversation anymore, especially when I have a problem with something that he has done. If I try to talk with him about it, he manages to turn every conversation back around to placing blame with me.
I can’t live with this kind of indifference and emotional abuse any longer. At first I was concerned about the kids but someone brought up a good point about forcing the kids to witness daily a bad relationship or see mom happy even if she is single.
My kids are all young too, and I don’t really know how I am going to financially make it on my own, but I am ready to try.
Michelle - I am sending you big virtual hugs and hoping things get better. A single mom of five! Now that would be tough … but yes, you can do it. First … exhaust all options, have you tried marriage counseling? Have you told him how you feel?
There are a few sites, like Larry’s that offer marriage counseling for just one spouse - meaning you could try it alone. You never know, there might be things you can do to actually change his behavior. Here is Larry’s website:
http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com/
Good luck!
Thank you to all of you!! I found your blog searching the internet, as after 12 years of marriage, i am ready to leave, but i was not quite sure where to start with my 2 children, no job and not being a US citizen!
Basically, my husband is verbally abusive and childish and all he cares about is getting in between my legs even after knowing that i have not been sexually attracted to him for almost 5 years. Whenever I say no, he gets upset by throwing tantrums and mentally it scares me.. I don’t like yelling and arguing.
Since i have no family in the US, i am planning on going back home, in Europe but i do not want to be arrested for kidnapping.. so scary!!!! i am so scared and worried of hurting my children by leaving the household/ breaking the family.
But thank you to all of you for the posts as they help me see clearly about my future endeavors …
I think that surely a crucial deciding factor must be the future emotional welfare of the children involved. The model of an adult relationship they are shown will influence them for the rest of their lives. You can’t hide from your kids. They see and hear things that their parents don’t realize they see and hear, and they construct their own lives based on what they learn. Children of a dysfunctional and unloving relationship are unlikely to develop genuine capacity for healthy intimacy as adults, and they are also likely to mimic the parent with whom they have the stronger emotional bond.
This is why we see patterns of codependency and emotional/physical abuse in families, generation after generation. Children learn from their parents. As hard as it might be for a child to change a living situation, it’s a better option than having that child exposed to an unloving or abusive relationship.
All of this presupposes, of course, that the parent who gets custody will then make the child a priority, rather than immediately seeking to enter into another relationship that might be just as bad or worse. I see an awful lot of single parents who don’t seem to realize that they have their entire lives to date, and only one chance to be fully available to a child during that child’s most vulnerable and formative years. But that’s a different topic.
Wow! I just got through reading all of the above, and I’m overwhelmed by all the heartaches as well as deeply impressed by all the courage expressed in them.
As a survivor from a seriously dysfunctional family myself, I am torn on the issue of whether my parents should have split up before my dad finally died, making their marriage a “successful” one till death did they part.
On the one hand, my mom often says she used to be a nice, sweet person till all all her fighting with Dad for so many years ruined her and turned her into the hateful, abusive, nagging, borderline psychotic woman that she became. On the other hand, she never really meant to leave him, although she put up a good show about every month or so, ever since I can remember until a few months before he died of liver cancer (due in part to his alcoholism and raging temper). One of her biggest regrets when he died is that she wished she hadn’t nagged him so much during his life. She quickly jumped into another mutually-abusive relationship with another man and has been threatening periodically to leave him ever since — since 1992!
I’ll never know if I and my 3 younger sisters could have had a better life or had a chance to not end up bulimic, anorexic, compulsive overeater, workaholic, depressed, codependent, and suicidal if my parents had actually split up. I worried for years that, if they did, I and my sisters would end up at the mercy of the foster care system.
But, I know that all 4 of us girls put up with the worst relationships of our own for too long, and I am sure part of that was b/c we kept telling ourselves, “Well, at least this guy isn’t as bad as our Dad.” Jeez! You’d think we could aim a bit higher! I write about mine at http://shanelyang.com/2008/05/06/help-with-overcoming-codependency/
This topic is so near and dear to my heart, that I wrote my first ebook about how to stop letting others take advantage of you called Cuckoo in Your Nest! If you want a free copy, just contact me from the contact form on my website.
Thanks, Ms. Single Mama for an excellent post!
After our child was born, my husband lost interest in me. It has been nearly 1.5 years since we have had sex despite my many requests. I am going to counseling to work on my anger but want to know how long I should wait it out before I leave. I am exercising and trying to get in shape but I am resentful of husband’s behavior. Dont ask me if I saw this coming because I can assure you I never would have gotten married.
Just wanted to add real quick the book To Good to Leave to Bad to Stayhttp://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=pd_cp_b_0?pf_rd_p=413864201&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0718141776&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0A7MVXRQ62745KX1QHR9 was an excellent read. I read it after I had decided to leave and it just made me more sure and also more aware of the dynamic so that hopefully I don’t get into a mess like that again.
I can relate to so much of this.
First, in response to AlLaf, yes, the birth of a child adds stress, which can be detrimental to an already over-stressed marriage. Yes, men need “attention”. But, women need partners. I think this period really singles out those men who can be partners from those who can’t handle it (i.e. who turn to childish selfish behavior that puts the health and safety of their families at risk.)
For example, in my case it all really got bad when I become pregnant. It was a difficult (and unexpected )pregnancy that required bedrest. At one point my husband actually said: “You’ve got to get through this on your own. I can’t help you.” OK. I understood that. It hurt but I knew I could do it, especially becuase I was the one who was the income-earner while my husband is in school. (My job provides benefits and income that I can do from home). Fast-forward to after the baby was born - my husband was terrified by the responsibility. I understood that too. But the problem was in how he handled it. He withdrew, refused to be alone with the baby, even if it was just so that I could shower or run to our condo’s gym for a 30 min. workout. He was also terrified about the financial situation we were in. (He had take an extended period of voluntary unemployment during which he racked up credit card debt just prior to my getting pregnant). How do he handle that stress? He started smoking pot again and spending money from my paycheck on his chronic habit and ordering takeout meals. He said he was just too stressed to cook and was angry when I wasn’t able to put together a formal meal when I had been home working/being with baby all day.
I guess what I am saying is: yes, it’s stressful for everyone but there are very different ways to respond to that stress. Some people thrive and get creative. Some people flounder. And some people just engage in escapist behaviors that dig them (and their families) deeper.
You’ve heard a bit of my story. The upside is that my husband does love me very much and expresses that love verbally everyday (even if his actions tell a different story). We have much in common (likes, activities, religion, family background, etc.) and I do recall the good early days of our marriage and look forward to the future. In addition, we are in marriage counseling. He also sees a separate counselor. He knows that he needs to change. Had admitted it and is making efforts to to do. So, how do I know when to end this relationship? I mean, just because he is motiviated to change doesn’t mean he actually is capable of doing so?
Also, he’s never physically attacked me but he is verbally abuse when angry and recently (in the last 6 months) his anger has started to express itself in a more physicall way (e.g. punching the air, kicking his legs as if having a tantrum, stomping, etc.)
When did I know that enough was enough…. I had been thinking about leaving my ex for a couple years but the minute I would get up the strength it seemed like it was no longer then a week and I would find out I was prego…again…. once I got the “not getting prego” under control it took a week long work trip out of town to really show me my way. I went out of state for a work trip for an entire week and by the end of night one I was so shook up with fear that my kids were not getting the care they needed that I could barely function. I was not there to be the buffer between the kids and my ex’s anger. I called about a million times a day just to make sure that things were ok, asking my 4 year old how her day was and trying to analize her responces in hopes to figure out if the kids were alright. On the drive home from my week of hell my co-worker and great friend asked me what I wanted out of life…. I broke down and told him that I just wanted to be happy. It was the realasation that I was no where near happy. My ex always seen me and the kids as the “nothing betters” to do. He would search for things to take him away from the house and when he was home we were nothing but an anoyance to him. That week away really opened my eyes to the fear I had for my kids and to the fact that I could not be there to be the buffer all the time… and shouldn’t have to be. There was moments of physical abuse but the emotional abuse was the killer. A punch in the face does not hurt near as bad as being told that you are worthless and a bad mother. Your website is amazing. To know that there are other mothers out there doing it on their own and doing it well is great. I am a new single mother of 3…. 26 year old single mother of 3 under the age of 4…. but I know I can do it…. when all else fails… I know out there somewhere there are other single mothers that have my back…. thank you
I’m still not sure, but my husband is. So how do you move on, become a single mama, when you’re not ready to let go? I admire your strength, and I know I’ve been strong enough thus far. But I wonder if what’s keeping me going is my nerves? Waiting for the other shoe to drop is definitely a means of keeping me on my toes. What happens when that energy wears out? Or, worse, what happens when that other shoe does drop, and it breaks me? I wonder if it’d be easier to just let go, but so far it’s been easier to just close my eyes to those moments you speak of and keep telling myself there’s hope. How pathetic, right? What a woman will do? Thank you so much for sharing so intimately, and for letting so many of us share back.
I have been having a very hard time with this question myself: to leave or to stay? We have a daughter, and i know that he really does love her. But he spends such little time with her! I can count the number of diapers he has changed on one hand; he is sorta helpful around the house, but one thing he is really good at is making me feel insignificant and worthless. But it comes in spurts; I don’t understand. I have talked to my mom about leaving him and moving back to my hometown; right now we live in the same city as his family and get very little help from his parents. My parents provided us with free daycare, and were there whenever my little one needed anything at all. I am just having such a hard time with the pros and cons list; I know I can do it, that’s never been an issue. I’ve always been very self-sufficient, having grown up in a large family. i just have such a hard time knowing that I would be responsible for my daughter not getting to see her dad everyday; I’m just not so sure I can do that right now. I just feel like I am the the only responsible one in the house; When the rent is late i have to call the landlady; same for all the bills–they are my responsibilty. Up until about six months ago I could really see myself married to him with a couple of kids–but now, its so different.
My situation is not horrible. I married someone as a rebound from my previous marriage and I was afraid to be alone. I have had this epiphany and now dont know what to do about it. He has agreed to counseling. I do not think he can change even though he wants to. It took me over 10 years in therapy to change. I do not think I was ever in love with him and is it fair to ask him to change?? I have 2 lovely children with this man, who is an excellent father but I am just not in love. I am finally being honest with myself. I settled and now am regretting it. I am feeling confused because there is no anger and no fighting… really no communicating at all. Never has been. It was ok cause I just needed somewhere there and to not be alone. Now I am realizing I need more. I dont want to wake up in 20 years and realize I could have lived more passionately.
How do I begin? I am 56 years old and have two children. Two boys. My oldest is 26 and my youngest is 16. I have been married 27 years to a man who cheated on me when our first son was 5. I over looked that affair because of my son. My husband has cheated again with a woman who is married and has an 11 year old and 17 year old. Most of you have had short term marriages. Imagine the pain when someone you thought loved you decided you were nothing after 27 years of marriage. He changed. He started cursing at me calling me horrible names. He is someone that I no longer know. His family has been destroyed. His youngest son has not spoke to him or seen his father in about 3 months. He has the option to see him whenever he wants but the saw things before I did and he is filled with pain , hurt and anger. I found out about this in June of 2008 and have been on an emotional roller coaster. I still can’t believe that he has crucified his family with his selfish thoughts. No marriage is perfect. His youngest son told him that he would not have anything to do with him as long as he had contact with this other women. I his dad that he had a choice.. He had to break all ties with this woman or he would lose his son. He is so blind that he doesn’t realize what he has lost. I could go on and on. He does not want to give me what I need to survive. I feel sorry because he has lost 3 people who love him and need him. His mother divorced his father after 28 years of marriage. His 2 sisters have each been married 3 times. His brother I think 3 times. I guess he felt that it was his time. My parents were married 50 years and I thank God that I was raised in a stable family life. I suppose that is why this has emotionally destroyed me. Thanks for your time.