Pass the man blinders please.

by mssinglemama on April 24, 2008

I’m trying to avoid them but I can’t help noticing them. Lots of them.

Men.

They’re every where. And for some reason, doesn’t matter if Benjamin’s with me or not – they’re all checking me out. The first few times I thought it was all in my head. The blatant stares and smiles. But now…there have been so many I know I’m not hallucinating.

Here are the reasons for this phenomenon.

  • It’s mating season. Everyone is on the hunt.
  • My single glow. I have more time for self-grooming.
  • The fact that I don’t want a man right now. It’s like they know. And to men – that’s hot. The unattainable.

To me, men might as well be ugly octopuses with purple, fleshy skin – skin with boils and blisters- and bulging eyeballs. Right now men are scary.

Then I see them. Damn it. They’re just so beautiful.

Yummy, delicious men. In the bookstore, in the coffee shop, in restaurants, on sidewalks. Yesterday it was a firefighter. Yes, a firefighter. I’m telling you – when I say it’s raining men, I’m not exaggerating. This story proves that karma or fate is either trying to torture me or telling me to just bite the bullet and date one of them.

Benjamin and I were shopping in a little boutique down the street, hip clothes and such, when he decided to tear out of the store’s open door into the parking lot. I went running outside screaming, “STOOOPPPPP!”

He had stopped – face down on the pavement in front of a parking car.

The guys in the car got out.

“Is he okay?”

“Yes, he’s fine.” Now go away. Go away men.

And then I noticed the fire truck. Perfect. A distraction – for me and for Benjamin. “Look, honey, look at the big fire truck! Want to go see it?”

The three guys saunter off to grab their lunch at the cafe next door. Coast clear. We start walking up to the fire truck and then out from the back window pops – a hand – a hand that belongs to the sexiest fire fighter I’ve ever seen. Shit.

“Hi, buddy! Want to get up inside the truck?”

Benjamin gets shy all of a sudden. The firefighter jumps out, but Benjamin is still hiding and cuddling up on me.

“He’s got a bad cold, normally I think he’d be trying to climb up onto the roof.”

“You should bring him to the station sometime we can show him the hoses and everything.”

“Really? People do that? They just bring their kids to the fire station?”

“Yeah. All of the time.” He told me the station’s address. “Bring him down! It’s fun!”

So what do you think? Should I even enter a fire station? I want to for Benjamin. He would love it, and it’s just down the street.

But, what would happen to me if I walked into a building filled with men? I might burst and be forced to ask one out - against my better judgment. Or even worse, one might ask me out. Maybe I should just keep on avoiding them at all costs. Slimy purple octopuses. Slimy purple octopuses. Slimy purple octopuses.

P.S.

I don’t know why – but comparing men to big purple slimy octopuses makes me smile. It’s the first analogy that came to mind. Hope I don’t offend you, my beautiful, beautiful men.

[Photo credits: Ugly Purple Octopusand Firefighter]

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Adam Finch April 24, 2008 at 10:20 pm

For men everywhere, I say go….go to that fire station…do it for the boy…do it for love…just do it. We aren’t all ugly purple octopuses, I promise.

Whatever you do, good luck and thanks for the entertaining post.

Adam

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sparklingmama April 25, 2008 at 9:00 am

Looking never hurt anyone ;)

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Optimistic Mama April 25, 2008 at 9:00 am

Oh, yeah, you’ve got to go to the firestation! First, you were invited, it would be rude not to go. Second, Benjamin was invited, it would be rude for him not to go! GO! I’ve got to run, I need to go take my son to a fire station! :) Thanks for the laugh!

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liz April 25, 2008 at 9:01 am

You absolutely have to go to the fire station. For Ben’s sake, really. And it won’t hurt to just *look* at all the men who just happen to also be there.

Also, I think I’ve figured out my problem with dating. Or not dating, which is the actual problem. They sense that I need to date. It’s been over a year that I’ve been single. I need a date. And I need some, uh, satisfaction. I need some man attention. But clearly, as you’ve pointed out, I need to put off the opposite vibe to get their attention.

Agh — The delimma!

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Cato April 25, 2008 at 10:59 am

Go to the fire station with Benjamin! When I was 2-4 I was absolutely in love with fire engines and spent many happy hours visiting the local station. Our local volunteer fire department always welcomes kids coming by, it’s part of a tradition going back 150 years and more in this country — every boy loves the red fire engines and the Dalmatian (our FD had one) and before you know it, he’ll know all about pumpers and hoses and hook & ladder trucks … and you’ll know a bunch of cute firemen. Key (for you) is to be real low key, let everything develop naturally and they’ll figure out you’re for real. You’ll learn a lot more about the guys if you watch them interact with Ben without any sense that you’re interested.

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Tracy April 25, 2008 at 1:06 pm

I say…no harm in just ….looking! LOL…..

You WERE , after all, invited and I can speak from experience when I say your little angle will love it!

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shannon April 25, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Oh it’s so true. They are everywhere. And they LOOK so much better than they actually ACT once we obtain them. And they really want you so much when you send that vibe of not wanting them. It’s great. (Don’t tell, but I use that one a bit on my husband). Ahh, the tricks of a former single mom.

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mommypie April 26, 2008 at 3:00 am

Hmmmm … I don’t know MSM. With all that showing of hoses at the fire station, you could get in trouble.

Please forgive. You totally set yourself up for that one.

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Sara April 26, 2008 at 11:10 am

I love optimistic’s justification for going!

YES, go!!! And if hottie fireboy asks you out, why not? You deserve a little fun, too! Going on a date or two doesn’t obligate you to marry the guy! :)

Shannon’s right – the unattainable vibe is like catnip for men! I used it on Andy. I made him tap dance for 6 weeks before we went out for the first time.

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mssinglemama April 26, 2008 at 12:05 pm

Okay. I’m going to do it! I hope to God the same fire fighter is there…he was sooooo dreamy.

Liz – I know – sucks because when you want them too badly they know. Is there a word for this conundrum?

MP – He really said Ben could play with the hoses – get your mind out of the gutter woman! : )

Shannon – yes, men look better than they act 99% of the time. Hilarious.

Tracy – no harm in looking … righto!

Cato – best advice ever. Low key. I won’t even talk, I’m sure – a rarity for me – b/c I’ll be so spellbound by Benjamin’s fascination and the beautiful men.

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Dawn May 1, 2008 at 5:31 pm

Hey..if nothing else..just treat them like you would a purple octopus at theaquarium…Look at them through the glass and make faces at them.

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