We’ve got a live one…

by mssinglemama on April 16, 2008

Housewife Brandishing Frying Pan — Image by ? Richard Ransier/Corbis
Housewife Brandishing Frying Pan — Image by ? Richard Ransier/Corbis
Housewife Brandishing Frying Pan — Image by ? Richard Ransier/Corbis
Here we go again.

Another commenter bashing us because we’re happy single parents.

Today’s live wire comment thread comes courtesy of a particularly angry and perhaps bitter stay-at-home mom who calls our families “broken” and also says she would never spend a millisecond away from her children to find someone to get her “jollies off on.” (I didn’t know people still used that term – “jollies.” Ha. Anyway….)

Here is Z’s first comment in reaction to my post on why I love being a single mom.

“Why it is “great” to be a single mom:

1. I get to parent the way I want to parent

(Except for when the kids are visiting their father, then you have absolutely NO say or control on how they are being parented, and the kids get to jump house to house, “visiting” their parents. As oppose to stay married to your baby’s daddy, where you will have much more control over what they are exposed to and how they are raised.)

2. I get to focus 100% of my attention on my son

(Really? If I wasn’t married I would be working full-time so for five days a week my kids would be raised, again by someone other than me, and then when I want me time instead of quality time with their dad they are getting farmed out. I would say as a single mom the kids get way less time with parents because there is one person to maintain and run the whole household instead of two people.)

3. And the best part, I’m completely free and there’s always the chance that some day I will meet my Prince Charming.

(Free?! Except for you have kids. And Prince Charming -when are you going to have time to do that with out sacrificing time for you kids and as you are working on finding Prince Charming what about all the duds you expose your children too? That’s really not focusing 100% of your attention to your children now is it?)

Maybe women should be more selective in who they have sex with? If he wouldn’t make a good husband or father, why risk procreation with the guy?”You may

Sigh. Really. Gee, thanks. Guess I shouldn’t have been having sex with my husband. Read the rest of the comment thread here … and don’t miss the extra spicy comment from QT Mama.

A closing thought from the book Positive Discipline for Single Parents:

“You may have believed that children living with single parents are automatically deprived, but it simply isn’t so. Many happy, successful people have been raised by single parents – even in orphanages. It is no the circumstances of life but how we perceive those circumstances that has the greatest impact. Each person decides whether challenges will be stumbling blocks or stepping stones to joy and success in life….NO HOME – AND NO FAMILY – is broken unless the people in it allow it to be.”

[Photo credit: Angry Housewife]

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Andrea April 16, 2008 at 10:51 pm

is this person serious???

this is a prime example of my biggest pet peeve: woman who act as if the world would split in two if they didnt have a man. PATHETIC.

her children are so lucky to be raised by a woman who is teaching them that that women are not independent, that a man works and a woman stays at home, and god forbid her children ever make a bad decision or fall in love with the wrong person or *gasp* have sex before they’re married. i hope she doesnt have daughters. thanks, z, for setting women back about fifty years!!

god. ms single mama you cannot POST things like this when i am pms-ing!! heehee.

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QTMama April 16, 2008 at 10:59 pm

I’m just … wow. Almost speechless. ALMOST.

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mssinglemama April 16, 2008 at 11:06 pm

I think you said it perfectly QT – in the other thread…here they are so everyone can catch up on what they’ve missed:

QTMama, on April 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Said: Edit Comment

Damn. Can you say BITTER?

“Maybe women should be more selective in who they have sex with? If he wouldn’t make a good husband or father, why risk procreation with the guy?”

Z – cuz my vibrator doesn’t kiss or hug me.
#

Z, on April 16th, 2008 at 7:44 pm Said: Edit Comment

Vibrators don’t make babies, neither do kisses or hugs – and great so he makes you feel good for now -but can’t hold a job? What a treat. So, he makes you feel good in the moment and now there is a kid out there that either: doesn’t have a father figure or has to visit his father while he is raising other kids, or gets to see his dad sometimes. Here is a thought – find a guy that is a real man, treats you well, and then sleep with him? A good guy will give you kisses, hugs, RESPECT and affection in the meantime, while you are figuring out if he is worth giving yourself too. I am glad you single peope do the best you can, but I sick of seeing it celebrated. Your kid can be in the best daycare in the city but no one can take care of your kid better than you, and my husband and I bust our asses so that I can be home with my son. I am the one he is smiling, laughing and cooing at all day.
My kids are not my prision either, but I can’t imagine spending a millasecond out of my time without them to find someone to get my jollies off on. It is much nicer to get off on the man that has just work double shifts and came home to happy wife and kids, had a great dinner, played with the kids and settles to bed with his wife. Just think about that before the next guy you get with because a vibrator isn’t good enough. I think if we at least raise the next generation to choose wisely, instead of celebrating divorce, single parent homes, and broken families we may have a chance to break the cylce and the kids will be better off for it.
#

QTMama, on April 16th, 2008 at 10:44 pm Said: Edit Comment

Z I have a question. You say “I’m sick of seeing it celebrated”, meaning our single mamahood. If you’re happy in your wonderful marriage with your wonderful children, they why on earth begrudge the single moms the same thing? We are HAPPY without a man. That does not mean my daughter doesn’t have a father. It means that mommy, HER MOMMY, is one helluva lot BETTER of a mom because I am not in a loveless, sexless marriage anymore. If you have a beef with that fine. But don’t you DARE tell me that my child is worse off because of it. I’ll be damned if she’s going to see me sit in a marriage that sucked. She should know what real love is, and I did not have that with her father. That being said, he is a very good friend, to this day. And we have a wonderful, well-adjusted little girl. I resent your comments entirely. I did celebrate my divorce. I do have a broken family.

And I am DAMN PROUD OF IT.

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mssinglemama April 16, 2008 at 11:07 pm

Oh and Andrea – yes, I think she’s for real and now she is probably going to pop out of my closet and KILL me. I’m frightened.

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jennie April 16, 2008 at 11:35 pm

glad to see z is such an expert in something she admittedly knows nothing about. good for her for being in marriage that works, because statistically most don’t in this day in age. what about a woman in an abusive relationship? what about a woman who married a man who molests his own child? what about a woman whose husband dies?

my parents divorced when i was nine, and what i remember of that was relief. not because my father was abusive, but because my life was a lot less stressful without having to live in a house with two people who obviously didn’t belong together. and my single mother loved me beyond all reason, and did what she had to do to support us after she and my dad split. and because of that, she has always been the strongest person i know, and will always be my hero.

as a divorced woman now with a young son, i draw so much strength from my memories of my childhood with my mother, and from the other stories i hear of single mothers everywhere. yes, it is challenging, but the rewards are far beyond what z will ever have the joy to experience. that moment when you realize that you are making a life on your own, a wonderful life, for you and your child, is an empowering thing. when your child looks to you in amazement, gratitude and love because you are the sun and the moon in their world, the one who makes EVERYTHING possible for them, is the most beautiful thing in the universe.

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momochacha88 April 17, 2008 at 2:44 am

It’s so ridiculous to even humor such comments, when we all know for a fact that there are so many disfunctional parents out there whose marriages are “in tact.” I grew up in a single parent household and had more loving role models in my life than anyone I know.

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Jennifer April 17, 2008 at 3:40 am

LOL! She’s a bucket of laughs there. Maybe she’s jealous we have it all?! I bet she tells people she feels like a single mom bc her husband works all the time!

I’m pretty sure her double shift working husband is probably laying down for sleep and not getting anyone’s jollies off. I’d bet her kids barely see him if he’s working double shifts just so she can stay at home. And if she leaves him alone with their kids for her ‘me time’, isn’t that just like visitation since she’s not there to control how what he’s exposing them to? Who says my kid gets ‘farmed out’ for me time anyway? Farmed out to whom? Family? The HORRORS! Does she never leave the kids with family or a sitter to go out with her husband? And who says single parents can’t get along to parent a child and we have to ‘control’ what they’re doing with the kids?

I suppose I was supposed to chain my almost ex-husband to me so he wouldn’t leave me a single mom?! Or maybe I shouldn’t have had sex with my husband just in case a kid happened? And I was supposed to see in the future to see our marriage fail? Last time I checked you can’t control how other people behave towards you or their own children. I want my son to know happiness and forcing his dad to stay with me (LOL! as if I can control that), is not teaching him about good relationships!

Oh, and I work from home, so I guess I’m exempt from her comments of having way less time with my son since he’s not in a daycare while I work. Because you know, all us single moms, we’re all the same…kids in daycare to work, probably on welfare, sexing up men left and right that our kids call ‘uncle’. And we let our ex’s do anything with the kids and we never get along w/an ex. I seriously hate stereotypes about single moms.

OMG I’m sorry I wrote a book, this set me off today!

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Mr. Anonymous® April 17, 2008 at 3:40 am

Did she just use the word PROCREATION? – Hon, she just wanted to HAVE SEX. Everybody needs a good ass slamming once in a while… even SINGLE PARENTS!

You KOOKY Kommenter !!

(Ya think she tells her kidz they was PRO-Created?!)

HOT TIP: Devout FundaMENTAList Christians PROCREATE, the rest of us just FUCK!

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Jenny April 17, 2008 at 6:34 am

Z seems to be under the erroneous impression that a single parent’s happiness with their own spouse-free life somehow cheapens or negates any happiness that appears in Z’s own spouse-ful life.

If there’s anything to be sick of, I’d say it’s the compulsion of people like Z to assume their life choices are inherently better because they neatly fit into whatever it is society expects. As soon as she sees someone who’s happy in their not-so-neat-but-definitely-way-more-interesting life, she automatically thinks her lifestyle and choices are under attack.

Whatever, Z. If you’re happy in the SAHM world you’ve created, if it helps you accomplish your goals, and makes you feel good about life in general, then Yay You. But just as you celebrate the way you and your husband “bust your asses” to keep yours at home with the kids, so we successful, savvy single parents celebrate how we bust our asses to do on our own what you and your husband do together. That doesn’t make single parents better or worse than married parents, but by the same token married parents are no better or worse than single ones.

Everyone needs to celebrate their successes. But you, Z, need to understand and accept that my celebrating success as a single mom doesn’t negate any success you have as a married mom. Raising kids is always hard, so quit shitting on those who are doing it differently and doing it well, always.

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liz April 17, 2008 at 7:46 am

Wow. Jenny just said exactly what I was thinking.

You’d think that as women we’d be sick enough of bringing one another down that we’d stick up for women — And respect their choices. No matter what they are.

But instead, someone angry and bitter and probably not getting enough sex at home is lashing out at the wonderful, success, happy single moms.

Really I just feel sorry for Z.

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dadshouse April 17, 2008 at 8:07 am

As a single dad with half-time custody, I can say that I get WAY more quality one-on-one time with my kids now than when I was married. It’s not perfect – I spend half my holidays alone, and other events sometimes clash with our custody schedule. But when my kids are with me, I get to cook for them, eat with them, help them with homework, hang out with them, talk to them. etc.

That’s way more than can be said for a lot of working dads. (Check my rant on dadgonemad’s blog, a married man who said he “dreaded” alone time with his kids. Apparently, he meant that as humor. I didn’t find it funny. If you missed my followup to that where I stand up for single parents, it’s here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/04/08/sorry-i-made-dadgonemad-madder/)

I totally “get” the single parent lifestyle, albeit in a different manner than a fulltime single parent. And I love it.

With respect to Z’s comment about stay-at-home mom’s being better for kids than daycare – I totally disagree. My kids were in daycare from very early ages because their mom and I both worked. My daughter is now 16, smart, confident, athletic, sociable, eyeing the Ivy’s for college. My son is 12, smart, confident, creative, sociable, popular. They are both well-adjusted kids. Adults often comment that they genuinely enjoy talking to and interacting with my children, something they don’t feel about most teens. That says something about my kids who grew up with daycare and parents who got divorced.

It sounds like Z is protecting her own world. Maybe she doesn’t feel valued as a stay-at-home-mom, and is lashing out. Could be she’s doing a great job as a parent. Doesn’t mean she should put single parents down in order to lift herself up and try to feel better about whatever else is bothering her.

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ana.biosis April 17, 2008 at 9:57 am

I have a question:

Why was “Z” on Ms.Singlemamma’s blog in the first place??????

If she didn’t (a) feel like a single mom herself? Or (b)contemplate/fantasize being one?

And it seems more to me like, her husband is the one “busting his ass” to keep her at home.

Sorry, no sympathy here from me. Would i love love love to stay home wtih my son every day….absolutely!

Would l love to still be with his cheating, cocaine snorting, lying, con of a father, who manupliated me into believing he was someone he wasn’t………HELL NO!

My son, is living in a two parent household, one with his mommy, and one with his daddy. A name he has started referring to my boyfriend of 2 years as. Where my Ex hasn’t been around in over 2 years…..and wasn’t to begin with.

Do I leave him at “daycare” everyday,….sure do. Actually it’s and “ivy” early learning center…and I DO BUST MY ASS to be able to put him there. (sooo many congrats dadshouse on your kids by the way!!!)
But I do it because, after tons of research, it was a facility, that I valued their morals, and their cirruculum. Now my 3 year old speaks more spanish than I do, works a computer very well, and enjoys his homework assignments that we do together.

I don’t think Z is protecting her world…I think she loves her children, and loves being with them everyday….and I also think she feels trapped in her world with maybe a loss of identity, otherwise, why in the world would she perusing websites that have nothing to do with her as she is not a single mom…….living vicariously through other women maybe…until she got her fill, and feels so trapped and frustrated with her lack of sense of her former self…maybe…

or maybe she is just a crazy hell bent person telling the rest of her we are doomed to hell for having a child that we love and take care of by ourselves…or with another parent who dont’ live under the same roof.

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Jenny April 17, 2008 at 10:41 am

So, since Z expressed her displeasure at seeing single motherhood “celebrated”, I’d like to register my displeasure at seeing married stay-at-home motherhood celebrated.

For a start, I don’t like the apparent sacrificial mentality that seems to go hand-in-hand with that particular lifestyle. As if they’re doing God’s work by putting their own desires on the back burner so they can answer the higher calling of getting dinner on the table and putting out for their man.

Sorry, but I own technical books that are more interesting than the lot that comes with being a SAHM.

I also take issue with some SAHMs making their commitment to motherhood an excuse for not contributing financially to the household. Z says her husband works double-shifts. Ok, we know he’s a hard worker, but what about Z? Is she doing anything to help her husband eventually scale back to a single shift? Maybe he’d like to see his kids more often? Maybe he’d like to have more energy to do something other than work and see Z’s put-upon gaze every evening?

Finally, I would like to make the observation that, in my experience and the related experiences of my married and single friends, the kids with the worst behavior often come from SAHM households. Mind you, I’m not establishing a causal relationship here — I’m just saying. Something ain’t right when kids act out anyway. Still, I find it interesting in the extreme when certain SAHMs talk about the “dangers” of single parenthood to children when the children in their own married houses are hanging from the chandeliers, beating up other kids, and generally acting like little craven beasts. Kinda gives the lie to that whole SAHM argument of “I’m in control of how my kids are raised”, doesn’t it?

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drizitche April 17, 2008 at 8:20 pm

I’m going to express my disappointment at the heavily partisan nature of this debate.

The single parents are a mob, attacking Z, who expressed an opinion. And each war cry fuels the next, who fuels the next, until the mob is speaking as one voice.

This sort of strategy could justify ANYTHING. Anything at all., any absurd idea, or lifestyle, or architecture of parenting.

Do I agree with Z? Do I agree with the single parents? What would it even matter, even if I was a most persuasive writer for either side?

You have to want to get something out of the other person’s perspective. You’re all parents, trying to raise kids in the most confusing society this world has ever seen.

Your children will play with and interact with the other’s children. You cannot promise them a platform of understanding and compassion if you don’t take the time to learn the argument of the other side and see merit in it.

I don’t care when people argue like this over personal bullshit, but you’re debating what’s in the best interests of your kids, and who makes a better role model for their kids.

Those kids, above all, need to grow up with tolerance, and empathy. Open your minds and try to argue the other side with some passion and seriousness. You’ll only be a better mom/dad to your kids for doing it.

Please try this. Please stop.

~ Driz

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mssinglemama April 17, 2008 at 9:33 pm

As always, wise words Driz. Thanks for chiming in. This is a very open, honest and yes, heated debate. Maybe it’s a waste of our time … or a waste of your time … but us single parents take judgements like this one very seriously as we are often unjustly labeled and judged. It’s hard to explain.

Is this a mob mentality? Perhaps it may sound or read that way … but this is a single mom’s blog…hence the mob of single moms who read it.

I didn’t want this to turn into an attack against “Z” but I’m not going to delete these comments or tell anyone to “edit” themselves. That’s what this blog is for…

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Dani February 4, 2015 at 5:52 am

Posted on Do you people have a foecaobk fan page? I looked for one on twitter but could not discover one, I would really like to become a fan!

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ana.biosis April 18, 2008 at 9:27 am

yea single mamma…

and like I said or asked…why was “z” on a single mom’s site in the first place?

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drizitche April 18, 2008 at 10:48 am

It’s not a waste. It’s an opportunity.

Is it mob mentality? You’re darn right it is. You say it’s open, honest… but it’s open to speak, not be be heard! It’s honest about our knee jerk reactions to the opposition, not about the real benefits of such a debate!

Are you single parents? Yup. But you read that label as *single* parents.

I read that label as single *parents*. The emphasis is on the second word, always!

Try to read what I wrote again from a different angle. I can assure you that I didn’t say this thread is a waste of anyone’s time.

~ Driz

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drizitche April 18, 2008 at 10:53 am

I forgot to add:

Everyone, when they feel discriminated against for whatever reason, reacts this way. You say it’s hard to explain, and you take it seriously. But it’s not hard to explain. In the end, it’s someone who *isn’t* you, shitting on what *you* feel you are. That’s a universal experience (racism, sexism, whateverism).

But be the bigger person, be the one to make the right move first. Your kids look to you for that kind of behaviour – this is my point. Your kids will expect you to be the bigger person and to teach them how.

~ Driz

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Kemi Joshua April 18, 2008 at 4:07 pm

Tell ’em Ms Single Mama! I’m a single mom and a celebrity in my own right.

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Tracy April 25, 2008 at 1:51 pm

I just HAVE to put my 2 cents worth in here….just because I can……

I am a single parent. I have been a single parent for almost 8 years……my son is now 8…you get the picture….

My choice to be a single parent IS in the best interest of my child….why you may ask? I saved him from growing up thinking it was ok to treat woman in a (shall we say) less than an appropriate way verbally, mentally and physically.

I DO work full time……but he is in school full time. There are exactly 2hrs and 22min between his school day ending and my picking him up….the rest IS our quality time. We don’t need to spend every breathing moment together ( and quite frankly that’s not healthy!), but we spend every quality moment we can.

If I want me time….I hop in that bath after he’s gone to bed or ,thankfully I am blessed to have a wonderful family who love to spend time with him. He is not ‘farmed’ out to my X’s.

Yes, I am free…and I do not ‘expose’ my son to my dates…..unless they become a serious part of my life. Perhaps they haven’t lasted as my Prince Charming, but I’ll have you know that I have maintained WONDERFUL friendships with the 1 or 2 that became more serious and they too adore my son and remain wonderful male influences.

Quite frankly Z and anyone else who may agree with Z….being a parent whether you are a mom or dad is a tough job, single or not. Unless you’ve been there, your opinion is based on mere speculation and judgement. Quite frankly, I’m trying to raise my son to be open and accepting to all the possiblities that may cross his path in life…and that includes respecting what people like you might have to say…and then just letting it go…..

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Dotbo March 14, 2010 at 9:17 pm

So I suppose that women whose husbands die due to desease or war should do what, then? Not be single moms? Their situation, like the situation of the single parent who authors this blog, is 50% or more due not to their choosing, but someone else’s choosing, or fate.

Sometimes the guy turns out to be a jerk, and that’s that. Sometimes the woman turns out to be a jerk, and that’s that. Sometimes the husband and wife or girlfriend and boyfriend dont’ see eye to eye, and that’s that. And sometimes people die or become mentally unstable.

“Let’s all blame the female mother” is not the solution. “Let’s educate our sons and daughters as to how to prevent these difficult situations” is more like it.

The solution for the present is to educate people on how to cope (like this website attempts to). The solution for the future is to educate kids and young adults not only in birth control, but also in how to choose a mate they can relate to for the long term.

As for glamorizing, I don’t think this website does that at all. I think the blogger portrays the situation for what it is, and is making the best of it.

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