It’s a wildly different thing to say, “I don’t need a man so I’m not looking,” and “I don’t need a man…therefore, they are useless to me and I hate them.”

Really, that jump to making you a man-hater is ridiculous to the point of unintelligent.

Grumpily yours,
-R.

“why don’t you go out and date? It’s been years…”

and I would answer, “i just don’t want to…it’s so tiring..” and besides, i have a lot of things going on in my life, a man might not get the attention he needs from me

I suppose it’s a fine line. From a male perspective, I see a lot of women (especially in their 30s and 40s) who seem very bitter and to truly hate men. I’m never sure why: did they have unrealistic expectations to begin with? were the guys complete jerks? were the women princesses? were there the usual financial and social issues that make marriages fail? But, when you see it, it is very, very off-putting. I’m married and not in the market, but I’ve always enjoyed women friends. With the really bitter women, however, I don’t even want to be around them, and I feel very sorry for their children: girls being poisoned in their view of men and boys having this sinking feeling mama doesn’t really like them (especially as they hit their teens). Saw an unfortunate fair bit of this in friends of my two now adult daughters, and saw the kids have to deal with issues (including issues of sexuality) that no one ought to have to cope with at 12-16.

I just don’t get that vibe from you. Hang in there, buy the house, make your nest — when you feel good about yourself, what you’re doing for your son and yourself, then you can be more open to whatever might come along. Meanwhile, you have higher priorities.

I would say that it’s very important that you work to keep your ex involved with your son so that he has close touch with a (one hopes) positive male image. (the deprogramming and behavioral problems after a visit makes me suggest that new book “How to Have New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman. When kids act up, you can’t let yourself be bullied by it – you’re the grown up.

To a point.

I have had the pleasure of dating many an independent woman and two independent single moms who, before meeting me, were quite happy and good at playing the field. I would never have labeled them as man-haters though your friend you met may have. The woman I am seeing currently – or trying to see, though I am having little luck – is a man-hater and this has proven to be something totally different than what you describe. She has earned her mistrust the hard way and she is missing out on a man (me) who she considers, at least with the members of her family, as The One.

As much as she knows I am a good, good man who treats her well, cares about her and her daughters deeply, she cannot open herself up to me. My desire to wait and be treated badly is waining and I fear she will miss out.

Being open to being loved and refusing a relationship that does not measure up is just smart. It’s what we all should be and should look for when seeking another.