Am I a man-hater?

by mssinglemama on April 12, 2008

Had an interesting conversation today with a stranger in a coffee shop. His daugher, who is my age, is also a single mom.

“Her latest boyfriend seems like the real deal,” he said, “he’s even talking marriage.”

One thing led to another and I explained that I’m not looking for a husband.

“I just don’t need one. I can completely support myself financially. I mean, it’s definitely tough sometimes but I’m not looking for a husband. If someone comes along and they are amazing – so be it – but I’m not even sure if I ever want to get married again. Why bother?”

“You’re a man-hater!”

“No,” I said, “I LOVE men. I enjoy men thoroughly. I just don’t need one. They’re kind of a pain in the ass – no offense.”

He started nodding,

“Yeah. I guess you’re right. Why would you need one? Sounds like you should be a polygamist’s wife – then you could be friends with all of his other wives!” Huh?

I’m a content single mom. Period. Some people just don’t get it. Although a commune of the other mothers might be nice.

Are you content yet? What are some of the craziest reactions you’ve had from strangers, co-workers or friends?

P.S. To prove I’m not a man hater: My Top Ten Most Beautiful Men in the World post. WARNING! You’ll need a cold shower after this one.

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Bill Beck April 12, 2008 at 11:48 pm

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outtimed April 13, 2008 at 1:43 am

May be you are ;). I agree men are pain in the ass! But yeah, still they are lovable, why spend a beautiful life alone, when you can find handsome company? What do you say?


sparklingmama April 13, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Independent doesn’t equal man-hater!

Call me crazy, but if you were a man-hater you’d probably not have a boyfriend…

My ex-in-laws accused me of being a man-hater. I think they were just bitter that I didn’t want their “perfect” son anymore.


Will Entrekin April 13, 2008 at 4:34 pm

I’m a man, and I didn’t feel hated on. That said, I don’t understand why you tie a husband a) to financial support or b) to necessity. I think a lifelong romantic relationship can be, emotionally, both enriching and challenging. Necessary? Perhaps not. But good for the soul? Important for personal growth?

There’s a famous quote attributed to Gloria Steinem that “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,” which is probably true. A fish doesn’t need a bicycle. They get along just fine without them.

But has anyone ever given a fish a bike? How do we know a fish wouldn’t frickin’ love it? The wind through their fins (which would probably give them a euphoric rush considering all that oxygen over their gills)? I mean, hell, we humans don’t even need bicycles, but a lot of us love them and modify them and ride them all over the damned place (and have a lot of fun doing so).

It’s probably also worth noting that, in 2000, Gloria Steinem became Christian Bale’s stepmother when she married his father, David Bale.

She probably doesn’t need David, but maybe she loves him and has a lot of fun with him and likes her life more with him than without him.


holygrid April 13, 2008 at 4:43 pm

I absolutely agree with you. I’m a single mother and I love men, but I don’t need a man, just like yourself (and I don’t hear that often). This man seems like he was just a bit confused, not the world’s most advanced philosopher, even if it was a pleasant conversation.

Men can be really amazing, just like women, but in both genders as far as relationships are concerned, examples of emotional maturity are often few and far between. Why settle for less when it can only mean settling for an unsatisfying relationship?

Solitude is not a bad thing. It is often wonderfully peaceful and uncomplicated.


mssinglemama April 13, 2008 at 4:54 pm


Bill Beck – very nice! Tks! I’ll check out that site and definitely pass it on to my readers.

Outlimed and Will – yes, men are very, very loveable. I adore men…to a fault in my past b/c I always see the best and then often am taken advantage of. I will never rule out the possibility of meeting a man to adore my entire life – ever … just saying it’s definitely not a priority right now. Hope that makes sense.

Will – tks for that fabulous analogy. Someday maybe this fish will find her bike. I really enjoyed that!

Holy! – yes, solitude is just what I need right now. And yes, I will never settle for less because I’m fine on my own.


Andrea April 13, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Huh. So by that logic. the fact that I am not currently looking for, say, an orthodontist must mean that I hate orthodontists.

I thought I liked orthodontists just fine, just didn’t feel the need for one since my teeth are ok right now and all.

But maybe I should have one in the contacts file just so it’ll look right?


mssinglemama April 13, 2008 at 5:19 pm

Andrea – you’re funny!!!! LOL.


LaBelleProvince April 13, 2008 at 5:21 pm

I completely understand with what you’re saying, and feel the same way, especially, “If someone comes along and they are amazing – so be it – but I’m not even sure if I ever want to get married again. Why bother?” This is a very nice, and sane, place to be, being content and not feeling like there’s someone missing from your life. Besides, then if you do meet someone you’ll be doubly attractive for not being needy.


Andy April 13, 2008 at 6:59 pm

When a man is independent, mature, secure, settled and finds that he would like to share all of that with a woman but does not need a woman, he gets the honor of being a real catch. A woman tries that and she is a man-hater.

To a point.

I have had the pleasure of dating many an independent woman and two independent single moms who, before meeting me, were quite happy and good at playing the field. I would never have labeled them as man-haters though your friend you met may have. The woman I am seeing currently – or trying to see, though I am having little luck – is a man-hater and this has proven to be something totally different than what you describe. She has earned her mistrust the hard way and she is missing out on a man (me) who she considers, at least with the members of her family, as The One.

As much as she knows I am a good, good man who treats her well, cares about her and her daughters deeply, she cannot open herself up to me. My desire to wait and be treated badly is waining and I fear she will miss out.

Being open to being loved and refusing a relationship that does not measure up is just smart. It’s what we all should be and should look for when seeking another.


mssinglemama April 13, 2008 at 11:08 pm

Andy…good luck with that man-hunter. Seriously. Persistence, my friend, is the key to unlocking any man-hater’s heart. Stick with it.


Madhavi April 13, 2008 at 11:32 pm

I don’t think you’re a man hater. You have chosen to be how you are and it takes a great deal to do that. Being content is something that doesn’t come easily to everyone.


Chickadee April 13, 2008 at 11:36 pm

LADYYY! I know what you mean!! I wrote three-part thing on marriage with most of the same reasons!!


Cato April 14, 2008 at 7:24 am

It seems to me there is a difference between disliking men thoroughly (a “man-hater”) and not being on the husband hunt. You’re probably more likely to end up finding a guy who’s compatible with you if you’re not “looking” – which comes across to guys as “desperate” and hence undesirable.

I suppose it’s a fine line. From a male perspective, I see a lot of women (especially in their 30s and 40s) who seem very bitter and to truly hate men. I’m never sure why: did they have unrealistic expectations to begin with? were the guys complete jerks? were the women princesses? were there the usual financial and social issues that make marriages fail? But, when you see it, it is very, very off-putting. I’m married and not in the market, but I’ve always enjoyed women friends. With the really bitter women, however, I don’t even want to be around them, and I feel very sorry for their children: girls being poisoned in their view of men and boys having this sinking feeling mama doesn’t really like them (especially as they hit their teens). Saw an unfortunate fair bit of this in friends of my two now adult daughters, and saw the kids have to deal with issues (including issues of sexuality) that no one ought to have to cope with at 12-16.

I just don’t get that vibe from you. Hang in there, buy the house, make your nest — when you feel good about yourself, what you’re doing for your son and yourself, then you can be more open to whatever might come along. Meanwhile, you have higher priorities.

I would say that it’s very important that you work to keep your ex involved with your son so that he has close touch with a (one hopes) positive male image. (the deprogramming and behavioral problems after a visit makes me suggest that new book “How to Have New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman. When kids act up, you can’t let yourself be bullied by it – you’re the grown up.


lifestylescribe April 14, 2008 at 9:55 am

i may not be a single mama, but i am single and i’m having the time of my life – and yes, I do get a lot of weird looks from my relatives and my peers who often ask me:

“why don’t you go out and date? It’s been years…”

and I would answer, “i just don’t want to…it’s so tiring..” and besides, i have a lot of things going on in my life, a man might not get the attention he needs from me 😛


randomesq April 14, 2008 at 4:42 pm

I daresay that the stranger in the coffee shop was not terribly adept at discerning between different issues.

It’s a wildly different thing to say, “I don’t need a man so I’m not looking,” and “I don’t need a man…therefore, they are useless to me and I hate them.”

Really, that jump to making you a man-hater is ridiculous to the point of unintelligent.

Grumpily yours,


mommypie April 16, 2008 at 5:15 pm

You know me … totally content. I LOVE men. I just have enough on my plate right now, and life is GOOD. Why mess it up?



E May 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Do you receive child support? Alimony? Keep the marital home? If you can answer NO three times then you do not need a man.


Leilani September 10, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I just ended a relationship with a man. It ended because he was confused and still hurting from a bad marriage and even worse divorce. Yet…he sought me out in search of a relationship. He wanted to talk on the phone a lot, email and text and take up my time yet he didn’t want a “relationship”. Having had a bad 24 yr marriage, myself, I understood. Understanding or no understanding, if the fantastic connection and attraction this man and I had could not go anywhere because of his road-blocks, I felt no need to be strung along so, I told him to figure things out and get back to me when and if he becomes un-confused and recovered.

There have been several men who were married and lying to me, men who would date me just for the purpose of eventual sex (I won’t go there until I am sure of the man, rarely happens), men who would date me and flake just when I would start to trust. These experiences don’t exactly inpspire a woman to feel much more than skepticism of every mans’ motives. Yet……when a man hangs around to establish trust and to show me he actually wants to get to know me vs hang around long enough to get laid, I love it. I love it that a man would actually treat me like a person. Not just a 3 hole human because that is how most males treat me. I dress conservatively, have been told I am beautiful, hot, gorgeous, lovely, etc etc. My heart, mind, compassion and spirit are the best parts. Yes, i know men are visual. This is a trait that can be cultivated side by side with intellect.

I love men, love everything about men. Users, cheaters, liars and players are not to be accepted or admired. Men, real men, who respect themselves as good men and respect me as a woman are people I love.
Sadly…….those men are very few and very far between.


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