Jon B makes a great comment on men in general – some are very smooth flirters, and do it without trying. In my blog today I wrote about married men who want to be my wingman, and the attention they crave from women. Flirting is healthy, but is sometimes misused.

That said, as much as it is a skill you have, you also have the ability to deactivate it if you so choose. I met my girlfriend and we become very close extremely fast and I stopped dating around or getting phone numbers from “prospects.” There have been a few occasions where I have been out and casually chatting and inadvertently seemed like I was flirting and someone was interested, but it is a choice to or to not act on it.

Make no mistake it is very challenging to meet a single mom and get into a serious relationship in some ways. Going from your bachelorhood to dating a woman with a child requires an entire reworking of your life. You have to look at yourself and see how selfish you are, how easy you really have it, and assume a certain amount of responsibility to be punctual and commit to plans because a single mom’s life is so structured because the child needs it. Canceling a date better be because of somehting nearly cataclysmic because date night only comes around once a month and when mommy has planned and arranged for a sitter it is terrible to have something come up. Not to mention it will bring back memories of the biological parent who failed her and the child again and again.

It is very difficult to walk away from your bachelorhood. There are times you reminisce about the freedom and laugh about glory days with friends. But with a single mom you also have a woman who will appreciate quality time with you, who will love anything you do to help her out, and if true love forms you have the extreme pleasure of bing involved in a child’s life and having special moments that you will never forget. Is it difficult to retire the player’s card…absolutely. But if love forms and you are willing to make osme sacrifices, the rewards far outmeasure the challenge. I was up until 2am with my girlfriend putting together and adventure play system with swings, slide, and a rock wall. The feeling of accomplishment, the smile on her child’s face and excitement as he ran towards it, and the tone in her voice when she said I love you made every whacked thumb, stubbed toe, and trip to Lowe’s worth it.

Conversely, I can’t wait for my next “man night” to get smashed and complain about every second of it, lol. The duality of life, eh?

Well…because I’m a single mom, I’m afraid I haven’t yet mastered the ability to resist the dangled carrots. So I’d rather them just not be dangled. Period.

I just read your blog entry again and I just had to comment on one of the options you gave Esquire and that is option:

(c) come to terms with the fact that you’re just not ready for single moms and to cease all flirtatious e-mails to us immediately.

I promise after I say this I will leave your blog alone and go and find something else to occupy my frenzied mind.

What I wanted to say about option C is that I really don’t think that is the case with Esquire. I really don’t think its a case of him NOT being ready for single moms.

I think its a case of him NOT being ready for a serious relationship/commitment. Full stop.

He’s just recently come out of a long term relationship. From the way he writes, we already know he’s in touch with his pink sorry, feminine side. Men like these take quite a while to get over a lost longterm relationship. I had an ex like that and it took him over a year to get over the relationship.

Was he dating before that year ran out? Heck yes, as early as six months after the split. However these were all casual relationships and he made that clear to the women from the get go. Whilst his ego and body were ready for a little lovin’ and female company, his bruised heart and emotions was not ready to deal with the responsibilities and heaviness that can come with a full-on, committed, monogamous relationship.

And therein lies the problem with Option C.

Perhaps Esquire is ready for a little bit of loving (he currently casually dates) but he is now aware, through the fantastic list titled rules for dating a single mother (I think that’s what it was called, was it?)…that he cannot get that kind of loving from you or any respectable single mother for that matter (read: a single mother who takes her parenting responsibilities seriously, for example NOT Britney Spears).

So yeah, he might be ready one day…who knows? But for now?

For now I think his heart still belongs to Boss, his ex, and until such a time that he reclaims it (which I doubt it next to impossible due to his continuing close contact with her) the only thing he can offer you now with certainty is most likely friendship….and/or flirtatious emails.

Okay, that’s it. I’m done. I’m off to occupy my mind with something else. If you see me back here in less than 8 hours, shoo me away.

x

Cara

I do apologise. Upon second reading, in addition to your excellent explanation above (oh gee, I’m flirting again, doh! lol) I realise I did not understand the bottomline for you and Singlemomseeking.

It’s about “single moms”, in particular the juicy carrot he dangled over you (ie “the little black book”).

Now for more of my insomnia-induced musings (pay no serious attention please).

What I am getting from all of these is that certain seemingly well adjusted (read ‘too good to be true’) men, sometimes looking for an ego-boost and an ‘experiment playing daddy’ come into the life of a single mom with less than ideal intentions.

Some of these men, sadly, actually prey on single moms because they are lead by the media (and evil pick up artists) into thinking that due to the shortage of men (seemingly) willing to take on the role as father to a child that is not their offspring (or even the responsibility of looking after a ready-made family) single moms are somehow ‘more desperate’ (read easy). And so they come with all sorts of silly empty promises, saying how they want to settle down, have a family etc., whereas all along that is just what they know would…no pun intended….open the floodgates. They could end up using and dumping the woman…scurrying off with their tails between their legs saying “I’m not ready to be a father!” whilst the woman shouts back “my child already has a father, I just wanted a companion who we could trust!”

*sigh*

Perhaps that came out in a really bad way. Sorry.

Anyway, my message to Random Esquire is this: These women obviously did not mean to harm you or shame you or even ridicule you. Not in the slightest. They are only looking out for single mothers and probably feel that they ought to ‘out’ any piranhas preying on the vulnerabilities and sensibilities of single mothers. They are a very different breed in the sense that they come with a very special package that will remain in their lives forever, and these are cherished lives. A child is only with mom for a few years and then they are gone (out into the adult world). Mothers have but a few precious years to enjoy that growing and maturing phase with their children. They have but a few years to shape them up to be upright, moral, law abiding citizens, and it is imperative that these children are protected from the kind of flimsy relationships women without children often enter into without a second thought. The child is usually their number one priority.

If you waltz into their lives dangling all sorts of carrots in front of them, and manoeuvre your way into their childs life…and then turn around and realise you made a mistake, the devastation can be quite epic. Not only would you potentially seriously hurt the mother, but you could hurt the child too. These are protective women, and they don’t like introducing ‘random’ men to their children until they are absolutely sure of his intentions (read: long-term commitment).

PS: Apologies for any typing errors. My errant tomcat was strongarming me for cuddles in the middle of typing this, complete with headbutting my fingers and trying to sprawl himself on my lap and keyboard. He’s such a baby!

And yes, he was just harmlessly flirting with us and we, for the record, were harmlessly flirting back.

I kind of feel like everyone, including Random is missing the point. This is about single moms.

1. Unfortunately we don’t really have time to flirt even if it’s via e-mail.

2. It occupies our mind more than it would the average woman. A random prince who is perhaps interested can be a bit consuming.

3. We were looking for an answer to a specific question and posed this question to Random because every single mom I know has come across the same conundrum.

There are always those extremely flirtatious yet intellectually charming guys who get under your skin but aren’t really on any level ready to date a single mom. Why? Because dating us means dating our kids too…not at first, of course, but you know what I mean.

If you’re a single mom this should all be making 100% sense. If you’re not … then I can understand why it wouldn’t.

Dating for us is so much different – hence the entire purpose of this blog.

PPS to Cara. I have to disagree. I think he’s definitely attractive. I would argue above average … but who knows. This is all theory of course b/c we can’t see his picture. Good luck getting some sleep!!!!