Comments on: Will our kids be worse off?

By: When the children wonder. | DatingWithaSecret.com

When the children wonder. | DatingWithaSecret.com — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:31:03 +0000

[...] Will our kids be worse off? [...]

By: Kissing in front of the kids (gasp). | DatingWithaSecret.com

Kissing in front of the kids (gasp). | DatingWithaSecret.com — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 09:02:55 +0000

[...] Will our kids be worse off? [...]

By: Betsey

Betsey — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 09:16:32 +0000

How about teaching men to be good husbands, instead of good fathers? If they were better husbands, women would happily rear their children and society would be better off. If they spent more energy working on their marital relationship, then they wouldn’t have to do 100% of the parenting, 50% of the time. That’s my 2 cents…

By: Betsey

Betsey — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 09:05:41 +0000

Jim; I agree that a two-parent home with child’s natural parents are better. Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t get to choose. I never wanted my kids to grow up in a single parent home. My XH’s reason for divorce was that he was more “at peace” when I was gone (I deployed for a year).
It was a quick and painless divorce, as divorces go…he handed me divorce papers Christmas day last year, and it was final by Mar 2. Needless to say, he got off very easy…and, just like most divorces with kids, we have a variation of joint custody. Currently, neither of us is in a new relationship (thank goodness). So, the kids (9 and 11 y/o) are the center of attention at each house. I was a step-parent to his older kids for 10 yrs. Looking back, I think maybe it would have been better for him to stay single forever, than for us to marry…(don’t get me wrong, I love my children, and thank God every day for them, but I just feel very guilty that I brought kids into an already fractured family. He had been divorced for 2 yrs and separated for 4 when we got together. I saw the problems my step kids had over the years, in spite of how amicable their parents were. Over the years, there was a lot of tension in our house, I believe because his older kids needed much more attention than he was willing/capable of giving. I don’t ever want my kids to go through that. So, as lonely as I am and hopefully he is, I think it’s better for our children to be in two single parent families, than for either of us to remarry. There are just so many stories of kids being treated badly by their stepparent. Even if it’s only the child’s perception, it still impacts their self-esteem. I was a stepparent for many years and remember thinking how hard this relationship and role was for both me and them. I love my XH’s kids and I am very proud of them as adults, but I often question if their lives were worse off as a result of having to share their Dad with a step mom and new younger siblings. I hope someday I will be able to boldly proclaim that I am happy to be a single parent. I’m not there yet. I am self-suffiect and working hard to give my kids a good life as a single parent, but I truly haven’t finished grieving over the loss of my ten year marriage and I haven’t really gotten over the guilt and shame that I couldn’t provide my kids a stable, two-parent home. I salute the women here who have proclaimed their strength as single mom’s.

By: Who needs a husband anyway? « Ms. Single Mama

Who needs a husband anyway? « Ms. Single Mama — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:10:03 +0000

[...] Will our kids be worse off? [...]

By: We’ve got a live one… « Ms. Single Mama

We’ve got a live one… « Ms. Single Mama — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:46:57 +0000

[...] Another commenter bashing us because we’re happy single parents. [...]

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:49:50 +0000

Jim, You raise very valid points. You are correct, society is showing that being a single parent thing should not be the norm. Many of the celebrities create this visual world that young people see, that shows them becoming single parents, what they dont show is the large amount of support staff they have helping them.

Although, I must add…that when it does happen, it really isnt necessary to put down that single parent for opting to raise the child as a single parent.

Having said all that…I can not say that I am a single parent through no fault of my own. Yes I made bad choices in the men I dated. I was often the codependent one…and hoping that the man would change, and of course they never did. I realize the wrong in this thought process and have corrected it now with the choices in the men I date now(or lack of date..since I have been pretty much not dating for awhile now). However, in the same regard..I will not call having my daughter a fault.

I have had issue with this thought process. I am real adimant about the fact that my child was not a mistake. Getting mixed up with her sperm donor..was not a mistake, because without him, she would not be here.

But effectively..thank you for sharing your thoughts.

By: Jim

Jim — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:40:07 +0000

First: you all make great points.
Second: This is still going to piss people off.

Two things I have noticed from this discussion:

9 people tell stories of bad ex’s. Maybe we have a selection problem? I mean in society – I know so many women who are addicted to fast, racy, ‘cool’ guys who treat them like dirt, and would not be a good choice to have a child with. But they still sleep with them, and babies still happen. I don’t hear anyone saying “Yeah, I picked him. I thought it was a good idea at the time”.

And yes, single parents who find themselves single through no fault of there own should be proud if they are trying their best and doing a good job. And society should accept this.

But society should still encourage two parent families. Maybe we need to teach men how to be good fathers? On the other hand, my wife is NOT the first woman I’ve known who left their spouse for no good reason.

Overall, I think there IS a general acceptance of single-parent families as a new ‘normal’. And that scares me. I don’t want to raise a generation of kids who think single parenting is normal. We are continuing the cycle.

By: Kimberly Seymour

Kimberly Seymour — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:28:23 +0000

My advice to single parents is that…. while statistics show that kids raised in single parent families tend to show higher levels of anti social behaviour… maybe that stems from the fact that single parents tend to suffer from feelings of being overwhelmed due mainly to a lack of support by society, family and friends. As single parents we are at risk for being depressed, lonely and overwhelmed, but this risk can be reduced by supporting each other, by family, friends, church, and even other social or religious groups reaching out and saying a kind word, offering a prayer, offering to babysit or even come over and help for two hours. ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ (african proverb). The bigger issue is the stigmatization and lack of support that single parents get and this leads to being overwhelmed, and reducing the parent’s ability to cope.

By: Kimberly Seymour

Kimberly Seymour — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:13:06 +0000

I am a single mom to a one year old babygirl… and I have pleaded and begged her father to be a father. I said to him… forget the money, just come and see her once a week. He refuses. I have begged, wallowed, done eveything humanly possible because I wanted and genuinely believed that she NEEDED to have a father. He still refuses, makes silly excuses. What choice do I have?
I have decided to raise her with as much love as humanly possible, expose her to the best that life has to offer and to keep her around family members who love her and affirm her. Yes, i still wish that her sperm donor would be a father. But not all wishes come true. I AM A PROUD SINGLE MOM. PROUD THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS A MOTHER LIKE ME, PROUD THAT SHE GETS JUST AS MUCH LOVE AS TWO PARENT FAMILIES, PROUD THAT SHE WILL SEE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO FACED THE ODDS RAISE HER AND PROUD THAT DESPITE WHAT HAPPENED… GOD WILL ALWAYS PROVIDE FOR HER BECAUSE HE LOVES HER.
I think single parents should be proud of themselves because they are doing a monumental task and many of them succeeding at it, some of us have no choice and I WILL NOT FOR A MINUTE… bemoan the fact that her father is absent. My faith in my love for her and JESUS CHRIST’S PROVISION TO BE A FATHER TO THE FATHERLESS WILL NOT ALLOW ME.