I’m always civil, even if he’s not.

He is not allowed in my house, because not only do I need my space, he’s volatile.

I never down-talk him to or in front of my son, but I do not negate my son’s legitimate feelings, ie. “Dad has an anger problem.” Because? Did I say he’s volatile?

We got a custody agreement in court, and we do not deviate from it. That is the biggest thing that keeps us on an even keel.

I remember, that even though I don’t think much of his opinion, he’s my son’s dad. He is the only person on the planet who cares about my son as much as I do, even if he’s too screwed up to do right by him.

And yes, I make sure to keep him in his son’s life AND I “supplement” with positive role models, such as my dad, my son’s three fabulous uncles, and plain-old friends.

Gayle – ROCK ON!!! You are absolutely right and I agree with you 100% – we are in the same boat on this as most of us single mamas are. The trick is coming to terms with this fact, moving on and yes, establishing positive male role models.

If I would have stayed in the marriage, her father would be teaching her on a daily basis by example that (1) it’s okay to look down on and make fun of certain people, (2) she needs to hide her faults and appear perfect on the outside, (3) she must comply and not question his “authority”, (4) she can and should manipulate/guilt/play people with ease…my list goes on, but I’ll stop now.

I realized my daughter doesn’t need her “Father” (by definition). She needs healthy and positive male influences and role models in her life. Men that love her in unconditional ways. She needs male examples of how to respect and treat herself. She needs examples of male and female relationships that are loving and true.

My kid would and will NEVER get those positive examples from her “Father” (by definition). BUT, I am making sure she spends time with my male friends and family who can and do live their own lives, and who treat my daughter with the love, respect, and humanity she DESERVES.

If it’s not the mess of the apartment, or the fact that he uses all your stuff, and takes things – but simply the fact that he spends limited time with Benjamin or that he tries to return him early – well, those are things that you can’t do much about, really. They are probably just part of the fabric of who your ex is right now, and part of his journey and his personal choices.

Good luck MsSinglemama!!

So – the consensus is maintain boundaries and keep the big items in their home. Benjamin does have a mini-backpack. I think I’ll just tell his dad he can fill that with things (and when I say tiny, I mean tiny) but other than that he’s on his own.

Not sure about not allowing him to watch Benjamin here when I’m not home b/c I would rather him be in his own home than at his dad’s girlfriend’s house. It would be different if his dad had his own place.

It just makes me feel better to know he’s in his own home when he’s with his dad. This will definitely change as he gets older…but for now, to me, he’s still just a baby.

My ex and I share 50-50 custody. Early on in our divorce whenever she came for the kids, she would knock then simply walk into my house and into my kids’ bedrooms. I definitely felt my personal space violated, and I would retreat to the back of the house to escape her. But finally one day, I told her it bothered me and I set a limit – that when she came over for the kids, she should wait at the front door as if she was visiting a neighbor. She was surprised I said this, but she has respected that wish ever since.

She still at times pushes other limits with me, for instance trying to take the kids someplace fun when it’s my custody time with them. I am getting better at pointing these out to her, and demanding she respect my time and space with the kids, but I have to stay on my toes. She’s a strong-willed woman who takes what she wants. I have to be strong, too. (I bet you all think it’s funny hearing a man admit to not being strong all the time)

As for toys, things like bikes and skateboards are shared between the two houses, but indoor games generally stay at one house. Your ex should not be taking toys from your place. I think it’s great you’re having a talk with him. I know it’s not easy, but you’ll do great.

Understanding and coping with the varied challenges your ex presents are key to keeping your life sane. Letting your ex take over your place taking, touching, eating, . . .seems like an open invitation to violating your personal space and, frankly, keeping your home life/your personal place of safety in a state of perpetual misery and confusion.

SM’s of every type struggle with their own brand of the Ex Factor. In fact, The Complete Single Mother, which I co-authored, has a whole chapter devoted to just this very topic. Don’t fight unarmed battles other SM’s have already won. Read up and take a giant step forward toward managing your ex.

I wrote the book I wished were available when I was raising my own two children as a SM. And, speaking of ex’s from Hell, let me tell you about my ex . . .

Take care.

And as for keeping the little ones out of it – that’s exactly why I left him. So that my son wouldn’t have to witness such things…