Gone Baby, Gone

by mssinglemama on March 8, 2008

pornnewmomsbig.jpgMy darling babysitter (who practically raised Benjamin with me during the first year) sent us birthday presents from Nashville today. And for me – the funniest book I’ve seen in ages – Porn for New Moms. Open it and all you see are hot guys holding babies with quotes like, “so tell me again, what is the consistency of the poop?” or “sure, your girlfriends can drop their babies off here while you girls go to the bar” or “now, remember it’s my turn to do the midnight feeding – so don’t wake up.”

The appendix includes the Pornometer quiz titled “How much are You getting?” Here are a few of the questions:

When the baby cries in the middle of the night, does he:

a) quietly urge you to get some more sleep while he gets up and bottle-feeds the baby?

b) gently wake you and say he’s sorry but the baby needs you?

c) break out in a fake snore while forefully pushing you out of bed with both feet?

pornguypage.jpg

When he comes home from work, does he:

a) Kiss you, take the baby, and suggest you take some time for yourself?

b) Ask how your day was and willingly help when asked?

c) Ask if dinner’s ready yet, because he has to be at his poker game by 7:00?

Answering for my ex-husband – he scored -30 – 0 points and the book advises me to “seek an immediate upgrade.” Done and done. HILARIOUS!

The preface to the “book” cites a study showing that a mother’s sense of pleasure was incredibly heightened when looking at a man with a baby. Makes total sense to me. Back in my pre-mommy days a nice ass and designer jeans used to turn me on – now I guy mopping my floor or entertaining Benjamin is a million times hotter.

[This picture’s quote is: “I poured your bath, and here’s a glass of Chardonnay. And don’t worry…even if it gets into the breast milk, it’ll just help him fall asleep faster]

What are your biggest turn-ons? Let’s help the fellas dating single moms out a little, shall we?
pornnewmomsbig.jpgMy darling babysitter (who practically raised Benjamin with me during the first year) sent us birthday presents from Nashville today. And for me – the funniest book I’ve seen in ages – Porn for New Moms. Open it and all you see are hot guys holding babies with quotes like, “so tell me again, what is the consistency of the poop?” or “sure, your girlfriends can drop their babies off here while you girls go to the bar” or “now, remember it’s my turn to do the midnight feeding – so don’t wake up.”

The appendix includes the Pornometer quiz titled “How much are You getting?” Here are a few of the questions:

When the baby cries in the middle of the night, does he:

a) quietly urge you to get some more sleep while he gets up and bottle-feeds the baby?

b) gently wake you and say he’s sorry but the baby needs you?

c) break out in a fake snore while forefully pushing you out of bed with both feet?

pornguypage.jpg

When he comes home from work, does he:

a) Kiss you, take the baby, and suggest you take some time for yourself?

b) Ask how your day was and willingly help when asked?

c) Ask if dinner’s ready yet, because he has to be at his poker game by 7:00?

Answering for my ex-husband – he scored -30 – 0 points and the book advises me to “seek an immediate upgrade.” Done and done. HILARIOUS!

The preface to the “book” cites a study showing that a mother’s sense of pleasure was incredibly heightened when looking at a man with a baby. Makes total sense to me. Back in my pre-mommy days a nice ass and designer jeans used to turn me on – now I guy mopping my floor or entertaining Benjamin is a million times hotter.

[This picture’s quote is: “I poured your bath, and here’s a glass of Chardonnay. And don’t worry…even if it gets into the breast milk, it’ll just help him fall asleep faster]

What are your biggest turn-ons? Let’s help the fellas dating single moms out a little, shall we?
pornnewmomsbig.jpgMy darling babysitter (who practically raised Benjamin with me during the first year) sent us birthday presents from Nashville today. And for me – the funniest book I’ve seen in ages – Porn for New Moms. Open it and all you see are hot guys holding babies with quotes like, “so tell me again, what is the consistency of the poop?” or “sure, your girlfriends can drop their babies off here while you girls go to the bar” or “now, remember it’s my turn to do the midnight feeding – so don’t wake up.”

The appendix includes the Pornometer quiz titled “How much are You getting?” Here are a few of the questions:

When the baby cries in the middle of the night, does he:

a) quietly urge you to get some more sleep while he gets up and bottle-feeds the baby?

b) gently wake you and say he’s sorry but the baby needs you?

c) break out in a fake snore while forefully pushing you out of bed with both feet?

pornguypage.jpg

When he comes home from work, does he:

a) Kiss you, take the baby, and suggest you take some time for yourself?

b) Ask how your day was and willingly help when asked?

c) Ask if dinner’s ready yet, because he has to be at his poker game by 7:00?

Answering for my ex-husband – he scored -30 – 0 points and the book advises me to “seek an immediate upgrade.” Done and done. HILARIOUS!

The preface to the “book” cites a study showing that a mother’s sense of pleasure was incredibly heightened when looking at a man with a baby. Makes total sense to me. Back in my pre-mommy days a nice ass and designer jeans used to turn me on – now I guy mopping my floor or entertaining Benjamin is a million times hotter.

[This picture’s quote is: “I poured your bath, and here’s a glass of Chardonnay. And don’t worry…even if it gets into the breast milk, it’ll just help him fall asleep faster]

What are your biggest turn-ons? Let’s help the fellas dating single moms out a little, shall we?
I’m in Texas. Over a thousand miles away from Benjamin…I miss him SO much. Very, very tired at the moment. The flight was delayed…barely got out of the Midwest thanks to that nasty blizzard. And the airline lost my luggage! So far…wishing I was home snuggled up with my little guy. God I miss him. It’s been two years and 9 months (if you count pregnancy) – and this is the first time we’ve been apart for more than 36 hours.

I also wish the damn airline wouldn’t have lost my luggage.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

singlemomseeking March 8, 2008 at 6:05 pm

Are you there for work?… Pleasure?

I hope you’re able to relax a bit — is there a hot tub?

Oh, I know that feeling — and it took me a few years before I was ready to go away for 24 hours.

Is Benjamin with his Dad?… Have you been able to say “hi.”

Reply

randomesq March 9, 2008 at 7:38 am

Did you get your luggage?

WANT ME TO SUE SOMEONE?

Reply

mssinglemama March 9, 2008 at 9:10 am

Thanks Rachel – here for work/pleasure…learning a ton but having fun at the same time.

Random – luggage hasl landed … thank god.

I still miss Benjamin more than anything – he’s with his grandmother actually. His father could never talk him outside of his “36 hours” per week…also – another thing I’m thankful for…

And, yes, I called him today and it was SO cute…he was talking to me over the phone – jibber jabber – but he was telling me how much fun he was having! It was awesome.

Reply

mosse zidane March 10, 2008 at 5:05 am

Are you in Las Vegas? Make sure you come back with a suitcase full of cash….lots of it. :))

Reply

ana.biosis March 10, 2008 at 1:58 pm

I”m in texas…. wondering if you are in or near houston!

Reply

mssinglemama March 10, 2008 at 9:12 pm

Hi Ana! Nope I was in Austin! Never been to Houston…funny! Just got home…so happy! I think I could handle that again, but maybe only for one or two nights – not four! Will write more later.

Reply

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