Porn for New Moms

by mssinglemama on March 7, 2008

pornnewmomsbig.jpgMy darling babysitter (who practically raised Benjamin with me during the first year) sent us birthday presents from Nashville today. And for me – the funniest book I’ve seen in ages – Porn for New Moms. Open it and all you see are hot guys holding babies with quotes like, “so tell me again, what is the consistency of the poop?” or “sure, your girlfriends can drop their babies off here while you girls go to the bar” or “now, remember it’s my turn to do the midnight feeding – so don’t wake up.”

The appendix includes the Pornometer quiz titled “How much are You getting?” Here are a few of the questions:

When the baby cries in the middle of the night, does he:

a) quietly urge you to get some more sleep while he gets up and bottle-feeds the baby?

b) gently wake you and say he’s sorry but the baby needs you?

c) break out in a fake snore while forefully pushing you out of bed with both feet?

pornguypage.jpg

When he comes home from work, does he:

a) Kiss you, take the baby, and suggest you take some time for yourself?

b) Ask how your day was and willingly help when asked?

c) Ask if dinner’s ready yet, because he has to be at his poker game by 7:00?

Answering for my ex-husband – he scored -30 – 0 points and the book advises me to “seek an immediate upgrade.” Done and done. HILARIOUS!

The preface to the “book” cites a study showing that a mother’s sense of pleasure was incredibly heightened when looking at a man with a baby. Makes total sense to me. Back in my pre-mommy days a nice ass and designer jeans used to turn me on – now I guy mopping my floor or entertaining Benjamin is a million times hotter.

[This picture's quote is: "I poured your bath, and here's a glass of Chardonnay. And don't worry...even if it gets into the breast milk, it'll just help him fall asleep faster]

What are your biggest turn-ons? Let’s help the fellas dating single moms out a little, shall we?

Related posts:

  1. Can single moms really “fall in love”?
  2. Single moms and the men who love us.
  3. A web site deceiving single moms
  4. Why we kiss and how to kiss.
  5. One side effect of being a dating single mama…my baby is trying to make out with me.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

jon b March 7, 2008 at 5:28 am

This is hilarious. I came across your site while trying to gain insight into my girlfriends thought process and her situation. I totallt identify with this(from the male side of course). My girl went to the grocery store with her mom and it was my first time on my own with the monster(oh hush, after being whacked in the head with a toy hammer to his delight I earned the right to give pet names). She returned to a clean house including bathroom and kitchen. They both freaked out and I don’t think to that point she had showed so much genuine appreciation and affection. Little did she know that it wasn’t out of the kindness of my heart, it was the only way I could entertain the little guy and keep him from melting tuppaware and Elmo in the toaster oven.

I can’t say that dating a single mom(although I don;t consider her single anymore) is easier…it is infinitely harder and requires a lot of work to keep the romance between the two going(it’s easy to forget how much you like each other). But I will say the little things that are thoughtful or give her a little help are much more appreciated.

Jon’s tip of the day: Push the little one in the car or Power Wheel(got to get the kid a new battery, back is killing me). One, you’ll find tremendous pleasure in teaching him/her the fine art of random destruction and wreckless speed. Two, she’ll see you tirelessly entertaining him as a sign you have the patience, stamina, and attentiveness to take care of her needs too…….

Reply

Bavani March 7, 2008 at 6:12 am

Oh dear – looks like I haven’t been getting much “porn” – not very bad, just not great :)

Reply

mssinglemama March 7, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Jon! You are adorable! God, I think it sounds like you are every single mom’s dream guy – am I wrong ladies? Honest, committed – and I love how you don’t see her as a single mom anymore.

Bavani – well, maybe you can get this book and leave it on the coffee table or something – hint – hint, honey. Cleaning and cooking is SEXY as hell.

Reply

Paperspoons March 7, 2008 at 7:33 pm

Ha! That has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time!

Reply

peakoilboy March 7, 2008 at 7:55 pm

If there is a steady paycheck i the household, do gender roles really need to be so distinguished?

Give men the ideas and they shall follow.

Reply

MsAprilLynn March 8, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Oh..so funny! I was a fan of the first book, but just discovered the second one. Ne moms need respect and TLC. This may be fantasy, but I say fantasize on!

Reply

Hanna March 10, 2008 at 3:59 pm

OH yummy, can I have the book? Pretty please? With HIM on top?

Reply

geklen June 6, 2008 at 11:52 am

Wow it’s funny, fantasy rules !

Reply

Leave a Comment