She’s pregnant. Should she tell the father?
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It’s a question so perplexing they’ve made movies about it … most recently “Knocked Up,” which I think is completely unrealistic. Laughable really. What are the odds that a man who you’re not even in love with would miraculously become your knight in shining armor? If the main character would have ended up alone - would that really have been such a tragic ending? On the contrary, I think it would have been a story of strength. The strength to realize that staying with someone just because you’re pregnant may actually be the wrong one.
Claudia just commented on my “I LOVE Being a Single Mom” post with this question:“Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.
In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone. Very controlling, but if I do tell the father, it will be me controlling the situation. His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?“
Unfortunately we humans haven’t developed psychic powers yet and most single moms (like myself) are in situations where we are constantly torn about whether or not the father should be in the picture. Take my situation for example, I would kill for Benjamin’s father to be more involved. Our door has always, always been open for him to spend more time with his son. But for two years he never asks for extra time or calls to check in. His ambivalence often makes me wonder if he even really wants to be a father…or if he just feels obligated to stay near us. And of course, I wonder if an ambivalent father is better or worse than no father at all.
But I can not push him out of Benjamin’s life deliberately - not yet anyway. Not for intangible causes. Not because he “just doesn’t seem to care.” That would be crazy, right? The questions are always there…always. And none of us absolutely know the answers. So on that note…
My feelings are that she should tell him. It sounds like his life is on the fast track … but he does have a right to know.
Yes it might “ruin” his life - but life is hard. And eventually he might realize that being a parent is one of the most miraculous things we humble humans get to experience. If he doesn’t care and ignores Claudia and her child - he’ll still be obligated to pay child support, which I’m sure she’ll need. And if he is a fantastic father - than better still.
Guys- what do you think? Single Mamas - what should she do?
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Absolutely right away. This is why many men then push it on someone else degrading us by denying paternity. Don’t make them start calculating what they did or didn’t do 9 months ago.
Definitely tell the father. He can decide to be in the picture or not, but he should at least know that he has a child on the way.
I could probably go on for a little bit about my own situation with telling the father, so I think I may just have to write an entry about it on my blog!
So how should she tell the father she’s pregnant??? What words should she use? Should she lay out expectations? Demands? I think she should be very delicate about it - but make it clear that he is welcome in the child’s life…
Ok, here’s that post: http://mommacumlaude.wordpress.com/2008/02/29/telling-the-father-and-dealing-with-his-reaction/
Hmm… I think I just said something like, “I need to talk to you about something…” and then told him I was pregnant very bluntly. Maybe laying out some expectations would be good, but that might have to wait for another conversation. It depends on how he initially handles the news. He may be in too much shock and need to sit back and think about the whole situation before getting into a deeper discussion about it.
And if she tells him over the phone (like I ended up doing), she should check where he is — I told the father while he was driving… probably not the best timing on my part!
Hi
I just wanted to say that I read your blog religiously
I’m not a single mama - but I don’t think I need to be a single mama to admire your strength - something I often wish I had more of.
She has to tell him.
Morally and legally…she just has to.
He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her.
But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.
Lauren - our pregnant single mom - you are the best! Thanks for that link, I hope she starts following your blog.
Bavani - thank you! I don’t know where my strength comes from, but like everyone else I too have major moments of weakness. Just focusing on the positive and not dwelling on the negative are my secrets. I’m so glad you finally commented!
Mary - really? Do the laws change from state to state? I agree with you - morally it’s definitely the right thing to do - just didn’t know you legally had to as well. Hmmm….
I totally agree with Mary. She has to tell him. No excuses not to.
http://www.tinathomsen.wordpress.com
As a single dad who is involved in my kids’ life, I can say that parenting is the greatest experience I’ve ever had. I’m guessing a lot of you single moms feel the same way. This pregnant women should definitely tell the dad - he may need time to accept the shock, but he deserves the chance to be part of the child’s life. And the child deserves to have a father in the picture. I know every situation is different, and some men are deadbeat dads, but others embrace the opportunity of raising a child.
I think the door should at least be open to any father (barring anything notoriously harsh or God forbid, abusive on his part, potentially). It would kill me to ever have a child concealed from me, personally, especially if I found out 10, 20 years down the line. I would be outraged that the information was kept from me in the first place. The child never belongs more to the woman in question than me or vice versa–it’s a mutual thing.
Of course, if the father doesn’t want to be in the picture, if he’s running away, then I’m entirely sympathetic and that’s a different story. But to deceive him or avoid mentioning it entirely? I couldn’t support that.
I think it’s unanimous…so Claudia, if you’re reading - tell him! And you should read Mamma Cum Laude’s blog (see her link above) as she’s a pregnant single mother. She is going through all of this right now…
Dad’s House and John - tks for commenting - LOVE it when the men chime in. And it’s so nice to hear from stand up guys like yourselves.
I do not believe there is a legal requirement to tell the father but, then again, I’m a corporate attorney, not a family law one and it is entirely likely that I could be both surprised and humbled to find out otherwise.
I think the father has a right to know and can only think of very particular, almost extreme, situations in which that general principle should be trumped. I think it is a pretty clear moral decision but not one without exceptions.
R.
I agree 100% with Mary.
“She has to tell him. Morally and legally…she just has to. He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her. But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.”
I think whether the baby is going to cause the father stress and change his life is the father’s problem if that’s the way he chooses to deal with & handle the situation. We all CHOOSE how we go in life. This is not something that just happens to be HAPPENING to him behind the scenes. He’s just as responsible and should be involved for the baby’s future just as Mom is.
If the father is going to be excluded, that’s a choice he’s going to have to make for himself (or maybe a court will if circumstances are such…ie drugs or whatnot).
I am pregnant right now and I do not want to the father. If the father can not sue me or come after me with some kind of legal action then I will not tell him. I agree that the father should know and it is his choose to stay or go but ever situation is different. And some women are in bad situations and do not want to him. They might be afraid of him in some way and then it should be up to her to tell him or not.
Teresa
I was in a similar situation recently… I told the daddy and he was so excited. For 3 days. Then he called to tell me he didn’t believe me and that I would be crazy to try to keep the baby on my own. Haven’t heard from him since - and she’s now 15 months. It was a hard decision to tell him, but I wanted to at least give him the chance to step up and be a good dad. He decided not to be involved, and I’m not asking for child support. I truly believe not having him in her life is better than trying to force him to visit/pay up/call to say happy birthday, etc. One day, if it is in the cards for us, a wonderful man will come to love us both and will be a better daddy than her biological dad ever could have been. That’s my dream and I’m sticking to it.
Teresa - you’re absolutely right…if there are drugs, abuse or if the father is any kind of threat to the child than forget about it.
TX - a wonderful man will come along!
I am a single man who was just informed by a friend that they ran into my ex-girlfriend at a restaurant and she was “very” pregnant. We stopped dating 5 months ago when her behavior became very odd.
We have not spoken since our break-up and I have reasons to believe she has been back with her ex-husband. Obviously, there is a possibility that the child is mine and this person is not saying a word.
I need some advice - both morally and legally: should I contact her to inquire or should I sit back and let things run its course? I am very nervous and want to handle this matter responsibly and morally!
Oh my god. Wow…I would call her. Why not? Start with a phone call, congratulating her. If it’s your child you have the right to know now. Years later, if it is yours, she could come at your for past due child support (I actually know a man who this happened to) … horrible because he never knew he had a kid until he was 14 and knocked on his door.
And morally - if it is your child - than, yes, you should be in his or her life.
My two cents, but I am NOT a lawyer or a moral authority - just a single mom.
Right now I am going through the same thing. I have no idea whether or not to tell him. It was more of a long time no see, friendship turned drunken opps….Since the opps I havent talked to him except for once when he all out blew me off with some lame comment about great seeing you again. After that I deleted his number and the only way I have to get a hold of him is to go to his house. Not sure if I should do that. This is not really how I pictured my life at this point or such a blessing to be brought with such a man. Any advice?
I think to top it all off I am a 24 year old teacher that should be leading by example
Wow. I wish I could give you advice. There’s a fantastic book by Mary Pols called “Accidentally on Purpose” but she was older … same situation though. One night stand.
I don’t know if you should tell him. I personally am torn about this one. Unless he’s abusive, on drugs or a criminal I would probably tell him.
I had a one night stand and fell pregnant. just told the Dad… he is still absorbing the shock but says we will talk soon. He asked what I wanted from him… I replied to know of any relevant medical history that may affect the baby… not sure what kinda hormones coursing thru my bod when I can be so rational and civilised and growed up but there’s no poiint being negative and shouting at each other. So we’ll see what happens and stay healthy in mean time.
By the end of the weekend, I had a reply from the “turkeybaster”…
Hey. I’ve spent all weekend thinking about nothing else but this. I’m
really sorry but I really don’t want anything to do with you or the
pregnancy. I know how much you want this and i’d be wasting my time trying
to convince you to terminate. But this would have such a massive impact on my
life in such a negative way that I can’t be involved in this at all. I would
like us to take a DNA test once the baby is born but I know there’s nothing
we can do before then. Can I ask you to please only get in touch if you
absolutely have to? I don’t need to be kept informed on how things are
going. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, it isn’t meant to, but I’m
finding it extremely difficult to put into words how I’m feeling.
Take care and I hope everything goes well.
To which I replied i didn’t expect anything less from him and that i would not be in touch again and that it was between him and the child support agency… within 10 minutes my phone was ringing… needless to say I ignored it…
Watch this space
How do you tell him if he happens to be married?
I’m in a similar situation…I don’t know if I should tell the father. Reason being, is that he has become unstable mentally and refuses help, despite his suicide attempts. Sometimes it’s just not best for the mother or the baby to tell the father. I have a stable job and a stable family, no problem taking care of a child on my own for sure. But, if he got the help he needed, I would definately tell him. It all depends on the circumstances.
I had a one night stand with a guy in December 1999. He was crazy about me but I was unsure of my feelings for him. I found out in January of 2000 that I was pregnant. I have kept the secret of who my daughter’s father is from him and everyone in my family. I have never admitted that I even slept with this man. My daughter is now 8 years old and I am regretting my decision. How do I ever explain to her father that I have kept this secret for all these years? I don’t want any child support or anything like that, so this is not why I want to tell him. I think he deserves to know the truth.
Sha - Maybe start by writing a him a letter? Just be sure to release him of any obligation - and, of course, apologize explaining how you felt at the time - but just be honest - tell him how much you regret your decision now. You know?
If it is meant to be - if he is meant to be in your daughter’s life - he will understand.
A friend of mine’s husband just found out he has a 6 year old daughter and he loves her so much - sees her all of the time and pays child support.