It’s a question so perplexing they’ve made movies about it … most recently “Knocked Up,” which I think is completely unrealistic. Laughable really.
What are the odds that a man who you’re not even in love with would miraculously become your knight in shining armor? If the main character would have ended up alone – would that really have been such a tragic ending? On the contrary, I think it would have been a story of strength. The strength to realize that staying with someone just because you’re pregnant may actually be the wrong one.
Claudia just commented on my “I LOVE Being a Single Mom” post with this question:
“Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.
In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone. Very controlling, but if I do tell the father, it will be me controlling the situation. His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?“
Unfortunately we humans haven’t developed psychic powers yet and most single moms (like myself) are in situations where we are constantly torn about whether or not the father should be in the picture.
Take my situation for example, I would kill for Benjamin’s father to be more involved. Our door has always, always been open for him to spend more time with his son. But for two years he never asks for extra time or calls to check in. His ambivalence often makes me wonder if he even really wants to be a father…or if he just feels obligated to stay near us. And of course, I wonder if an ambivalent father is better or worse than no father at all.
But I can not push him out of Benjamin’s life deliberately – not yet anyway. Not for intangible causes. Not because he “just doesn’t seem to care.” That would be crazy, right? The questions are always there…always. And none of us absolutely know the answers. So on that note…
My feelings are that she should tell him. It sounds like his life is on the fast track … but he does have a right to know.
Yes it might “ruin” his life – but life is hard. And eventually he might realize that being a parent is one of the most miraculous things we humble humans get to experience. If he doesn’t care and ignores Claudia and her child – he’ll still be obligated to pay child support, which I’m sure she’ll need. And if he is a fantastic father – than better still.
Guys- what do you think? Single Mamas – what should she do?
[Photo credit: http://www.motherhoodsonogram.com/]
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
Absolutely right away. This is why many men then push it on someone else degrading us by denying paternity. Don’t make them start calculating what they did or didn’t do 9 months ago.
Definitely tell the father. He can decide to be in the picture or not, but he should at least know that he has a child on the way.
I could probably go on for a little bit about my own situation with telling the father, so I think I may just have to write an entry about it on my blog!
So how should she tell the father she’s pregnant??? What words should she use? Should she lay out expectations? Demands? I think she should be very delicate about it – but make it clear that he is welcome in the child’s life…
Ok, here’s that post: http://mommacumlaude.wordpress.com/2008/02/29/telling-the-father-and-dealing-with-his-reaction/
Hmm… I think I just said something like, “I need to talk to you about something…” and then told him I was pregnant very bluntly. Maybe laying out some expectations would be good, but that might have to wait for another conversation. It depends on how he initially handles the news. He may be in too much shock and need to sit back and think about the whole situation before getting into a deeper discussion about it.
And if she tells him over the phone (like I ended up doing), she should check where he is — I told the father while he was driving… probably not the best timing on my part!
Hi
I just wanted to say that I read your blog religiously
I’m not a single mama – but I don’t think I need to be a single mama to admire your strength – something I often wish I had more of.
She has to tell him.
Morally and legally…she just has to.
He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her.
But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.
Lauren – our pregnant single mom – you are the best! Thanks for that link, I hope she starts following your blog.
Bavani – thank you! I don’t know where my strength comes from, but like everyone else I too have major moments of weakness. Just focusing on the positive and not dwelling on the negative are my secrets. I’m so glad you finally commented!
Mary – really? Do the laws change from state to state? I agree with you – morally it’s definitely the right thing to do – just didn’t know you legally had to as well. Hmmm….
I totally agree with Mary. She has to tell him. No excuses not to.
http://www.tinathomsen.wordpress.com
As a single dad who is involved in my kids’ life, I can say that parenting is the greatest experience I’ve ever had. I’m guessing a lot of you single moms feel the same way. This pregnant women should definitely tell the dad – he may need time to accept the shock, but he deserves the chance to be part of the child’s life. And the child deserves to have a father in the picture. I know every situation is different, and some men are deadbeat dads, but others embrace the opportunity of raising a child.
I think the door should at least be open to any father (barring anything notoriously harsh or God forbid, abusive on his part, potentially). It would kill me to ever have a child concealed from me, personally, especially if I found out 10, 20 years down the line. I would be outraged that the information was kept from me in the first place. The child never belongs more to the woman in question than me or vice versa–it’s a mutual thing.
Of course, if the father doesn’t want to be in the picture, if he’s running away, then I’m entirely sympathetic and that’s a different story. But to deceive him or avoid mentioning it entirely? I couldn’t support that.
I think it’s unanimous…so Claudia, if you’re reading – tell him! And you should read Mamma Cum Laude’s blog (see her link above) as she’s a pregnant single mother. She is going through all of this right now…
Dad’s House and John – tks for commenting – LOVE it when the men chime in. And it’s so nice to hear from stand up guys like yourselves.
I do not believe there is a legal requirement to tell the father but, then again, I’m a corporate attorney, not a family law one and it is entirely likely that I could be both surprised and humbled to find out otherwise.
I think the father has a right to know and can only think of very particular, almost extreme, situations in which that general principle should be trumped. I think it is a pretty clear moral decision but not one without exceptions.
R.
I agree 100% with Mary.
“She has to tell him. Morally and legally…she just has to. He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her. But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.”
I think whether the baby is going to cause the father stress and change his life is the father’s problem if that’s the way he chooses to deal with & handle the situation. We all CHOOSE how we go in life. This is not something that just happens to be HAPPENING to him behind the scenes. He’s just as responsible and should be involved for the baby’s future just as Mom is.
If the father is going to be excluded, that’s a choice he’s going to have to make for himself (or maybe a court will if circumstances are such…ie drugs or whatnot).
I am pregnant right now and I do not want to the father. If the father can not sue me or come after me with some kind of legal action then I will not tell him. I agree that the father should know and it is his choose to stay or go but ever situation is different. And some women are in bad situations and do not want to him. They might be afraid of him in some way and then it should be up to her to tell him or not.
Teresa
I was in a similar situation recently… I told the daddy and he was so excited. For 3 days. Then he called to tell me he didn’t believe me and that I would be crazy to try to keep the baby on my own. Haven’t heard from him since – and she’s now 15 months. It was a hard decision to tell him, but I wanted to at least give him the chance to step up and be a good dad. He decided not to be involved, and I’m not asking for child support. I truly believe not having him in her life is better than trying to force him to visit/pay up/call to say happy birthday, etc. One day, if it is in the cards for us, a wonderful man will come to love us both and will be a better daddy than her biological dad ever could have been. That’s my dream and I’m sticking to it.
hi! TX MOMMY , I FEEL YOUR PAIN ,I TOO IS IN THE SAME SITUATION .MY DAUGHTER FATHER WAS AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT .SHE WILL BE THREE IN NOV. HE ONLY SEEN MY DAUGHTER A FEW TIMES ENOUGH FOR HER TO KNOW THAT IS DADDY .WHEN SHE STARTED TALKING SHE WOULD ASK ME TO CALL HIM ON THE PHONE ,HE WOULDN’T ANSWER ,AFTER A WHILE ..ONE DAY MY TOLD ME TO CALL HER DAD ,I DID..GUESS WHAT!!!?? HE CHANGED ALL CONTACT INFO.AND WE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM SINCE ,HE NEVER CAME BACK TO SEE HER.I HURT EVERYDAY ,WHEN SHE ASK ME WHERE IS DADDY?? BUT GOD WILL CONTINUE TO BLESS US WITH OUR CHILDREN ..LIKE YOU SAID MAYBE GOD WILL SEND A GOOD MAN IN OUR LIVES TO BE GOOD FATHER’S TO OUR DAUGHTERS GOD BLESS YOU …
Teresa – you’re absolutely right…if there are drugs, abuse or if the father is any kind of threat to the child than forget about it.
TX – a wonderful man will come along!
I am a single man who was just informed by a friend that they ran into my ex-girlfriend at a restaurant and she was “very” pregnant. We stopped dating 5 months ago when her behavior became very odd.
We have not spoken since our break-up and I have reasons to believe she has been back with her ex-husband. Obviously, there is a possibility that the child is mine and this person is not saying a word.
I need some advice – both morally and legally: should I contact her to inquire or should I sit back and let things run its course? I am very nervous and want to handle this matter responsibly and morally!
Oh my god. Wow…I would call her. Why not? Start with a phone call, congratulating her. If it’s your child you have the right to know now. Years later, if it is yours, she could come at your for past due child support (I actually know a man who this happened to) … horrible because he never knew he had a kid until he was 14 and knocked on his door.
And morally – if it is your child – than, yes, you should be in his or her life.
My two cents, but I am NOT a lawyer or a moral authority – just a single mom.
Right now I am going through the same thing. I have no idea whether or not to tell him. It was more of a long time no see, friendship turned drunken opps….Since the opps I havent talked to him except for once when he all out blew me off with some lame comment about great seeing you again. After that I deleted his number and the only way I have to get a hold of him is to go to his house. Not sure if I should do that. This is not really how I pictured my life at this point or such a blessing to be brought with such a man. Any advice?
I am in the same situation now. I did inform the guy about it…Lucky for facebook…otherwise, he would have received a home visit from me. So when he called me, I told him the news. He was not happy about it, infact he told me to get an abortion. I almost did, but in my heart I knew for sure I could not go that route. So I’m keeping the baby. My issues now is, after I told him I was gonna go get the abortion, I changed my mind and I have not told him that part yet…YIKES!!!! Not to mention this guy has trust issues with past women that he has dealt with and has been in this situation before….however he does not have any live children.
I think to top it all off I am a 24 year old teacher that should be leading by example
Wow. I wish I could give you advice. There’s a fantastic book by Mary Pols called “Accidentally on Purpose” but she was older … same situation though. One night stand.
I don’t know if you should tell him. I personally am torn about this one. Unless he’s abusive, on drugs or a criminal I would probably tell him.
I had a one night stand and fell pregnant. just told the Dad… he is still absorbing the shock but says we will talk soon. He asked what I wanted from him… I replied to know of any relevant medical history that may affect the baby… not sure what kinda hormones coursing thru my bod when I can be so rational and civilised and growed up but there’s no poiint being negative and shouting at each other. So we’ll see what happens and stay healthy in mean time.
By the end of the weekend, I had a reply from the “turkeybaster”…
Hey. I’ve spent all weekend thinking about nothing else but this. I’m
really sorry but I really don’t want anything to do with you or the
pregnancy. I know how much you want this and i’d be wasting my time trying
to convince you to terminate. But this would have such a massive impact on my
life in such a negative way that I can’t be involved in this at all. I would
like us to take a DNA test once the baby is born but I know there’s nothing
we can do before then. Can I ask you to please only get in touch if you
absolutely have to? I don’t need to be kept informed on how things are
going. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, it isn’t meant to, but I’m
finding it extremely difficult to put into words how I’m feeling.
Take care and I hope everything goes well.
To which I replied i didn’t expect anything less from him and that i would not be in touch again and that it was between him and the child support agency… within 10 minutes my phone was ringing… needless to say I ignored it…
Watch this space
How do you tell him if he happens to be married?
I’m in a similar situation…I don’t know if I should tell the father. Reason being, is that he has become unstable mentally and refuses help, despite his suicide attempts. Sometimes it’s just not best for the mother or the baby to tell the father. I have a stable job and a stable family, no problem taking care of a child on my own for sure. But, if he got the help he needed, I would definately tell him. It all depends on the circumstances.
I had a one night stand with a guy in December 1999. He was crazy about me but I was unsure of my feelings for him. I found out in January of 2000 that I was pregnant. I have kept the secret of who my daughter’s father is from him and everyone in my family. I have never admitted that I even slept with this man. My daughter is now 8 years old and I am regretting my decision. How do I ever explain to her father that I have kept this secret for all these years? I don’t want any child support or anything like that, so this is not why I want to tell him. I think he deserves to know the truth.
Sha – Maybe start by writing a him a letter? Just be sure to release him of any obligation – and, of course, apologize explaining how you felt at the time – but just be honest – tell him how much you regret your decision now. You know?
If it is meant to be – if he is meant to be in your daughter’s life – he will understand.
A friend of mine’s husband just found out he has a 6 year old daughter and he loves her so much – sees her all of the time and pays child support.
I am so tired of people talking so passionately about the man having a “right to know”. I’m sorry, but we all know how this works. If you have sex unprotected then there is a chance that a child could’ve been conceived! If he has such a “right to know” then don’t you think that he *would* know? The man knows that his actions could end in a pregnancy just as much as a woman knows this. The difference is that nature has given women the privelage to always absolutely know whether her actions result in a pregnancy or not…because she’s the one who gets pregnant. That’s a risk she takes when she has unprotected sex with a man she may not want to have in her life. The risk the man takes is that he could get a woman pregnant…he doesn’t have the privelage of knowing this UNLESS HE TAKES THE RESPONSIBILITY to follow up with the woman. If she has to take the responsiblity to carry the child for 9 months the least he could do is be concerned enough to stay in some sort of contact with her w/in the 9 months after their ‘activities” to ask or find out for himself what consequences may have resulted. The fact is, there are men out there who have children they don’t know about…there is not a single woman who has a child she doesn’t know about. Once a woman is pregnant her responsibility lies solely with her child. She must weigh her situation, take a hard look at the circumstances (who is this man and would I want him to be part of my child’s life?) If the father comes around and sees that she is pregnant and asks her about it, then I believe it is her obligation to tell him the truth. But if she has to bend over backwards to track the guy down (who she questions his lifestyle and his possible receptiveness to the news), her child may be better off not having that man part of his or her life. The right of the man to know whether or not his actions turns into a child rests with the man to find out…the woman owes him nothing. She owes everything to her child…and some may disagree, but I truly believe that in certain circumstances it is in the best interest of the child to have one good parent rather than two bad ones. And a mother who has a choice after conception whether to keep the man in her child’s life or not should be thinking of the rights of her child, not the rights of the man. And when we’re talking about a possible unstable, irresponsible, poor and dangerous lifestyle of the man, it is in her child’s best interest to keep him out of the picture…to protect her child and not give into the quick and easy (and extremely simplistic) “you must tell the man – he has a right to know”…makes her the one good parent and that child will someday understand. And if a man has a child out there that he doesn’t know about then he has no one but himself to blame. He had sex, he knows that if he never sees the woman again that that is a possibilty…it is his own fault to trust the woman to go out of her way to tell him about it. Why should ALL the responsibilty be placed on the woman? Bottom line, if a woman questions whether or not she should tell the man that he is the father of her child, she should NEVER base her decision solely on the idea that the man has “a right to know”. She owes nothing to that man other than a silent thank you for being part of creating a beautiful life that she owes everything to…she needs to love, cherish and *protect* her child. And that does not always equal bringing the child’s biological father into their life. In many cases, it means just the opposite.
The mother, from the day her baby is born, should feel her main responsibility is to raise her child to be a happy, healthy, stable, loved, secure, well rounded, good individual. Of course, the most ideal situation would be to have a loving father who loves his child so much that this too is naturally his goal. If the father simply doesn’t love the child wholeheartedly, it is better for the child to be raised by one dedicated loving mother, than to have to witness this disparity of sentiment and question what they did wrong for their fathers to love them less…. as children do. The mother should ask, is she 100% sure the man who impregnated her is capable of giving this kind of love under the given situation.
Also, the mother should survey her own feelings towards the father before telling him. She should ask herself if the dynamic between the herself and father will contribute towards the child’s happiness, stability, health, etc? If the relationship is murky, will it be realistic for the parents, for a period of 18+ YEARS, to be able to set aside the negative past, and concentrate on parenting as a team without any passive aggressiveness?
Then, there is the “outside factor”- the stepmothers, girlfriends, his parents, friends, etc. These are people that may feel threatened by your child, or see your child as your own personal extension or messenger. Can you guarantee that the father will be willing to protect/ side with your child EVERY time against, say, his jealous girlfriend that he would do anything for, or his mother, who is bitter that part of her son’s income is under your control and never liked you anyway? Do you even want to risk having the possibility of your child exposed to nasty passive/ aggressive comments that hurt your child’s feelings or make them feel as if they have diminished worth?
Take away message? First comes your child’ s happiness, health, stability, secure, well-roundedness, goodness, etc , secondly, factors that will enhance all above feelings in you (maternal stability is HUGE for your child). Lastly, factors in the father’s right to know/ parent.
well I just found your site and this is old but…I guess ask why are you telling him? for me, I had to do what I thought was best for my son and I didn’t want to say when he was older that his father didn’t even know…but now i’ll have to say your father didn’t care to be involved (since I refused marriage) and that’s a whole other issue. I am an attorney in child welfare so somewhat familiar with parental right laws…as of now my son’s father has none. I did not put him on the birth certificate, he has never inquired as to his child’s welfare and that is considered abandonment in utah after 6 months. now I’m debating with sending his parents a letter to get a health history…its nerve wracking…but I had to explore in telling the father and contacting his parents, if I am doing it for me or my son…did I have a secret wish the father would come back and be this amazing father despite mental health and substance abuse issues? probably a little part of me did…now I worry about asking his parents for info because I don’t want him back. but except for abuse concerns I would tell the father for the child’s sake but then be aware you may have more involvement to deal with than you ever wanted. (as a side note, I put a link to one of your blogs on my blos I don’t want to violate any copyright laws but I think putting a link is ok I didn’t cut and paste your blog but if its not, will you let me know? thanks)
sorry I then went up and read the comments, there is no legal obligation a woman has to tell a man. that’s ridiculous. show me the law that says that!!! utah, a very conservative state, doesn’t even allow for paternity to be established unless a father’s name is PUT ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND he signs a declaration of paternity IF THEY ARE UNMARRIED. AND unless a father is providing support he has NO RIGHTS to the child after that (visitation wise) even if paternity has been established…(and it can be minimal support I had an attorney complain to me that his client just HAD to hve the 10 bucks a month from the inmate father who now was getting visitation because of that) so just be smart…and do what is best for your child and your situation. read supreme court decision…scalia says parent have no such thing as parental rights…if you read the constitution…some others disagree but it wasn’t in there when this country was founded…I think we are just lucky to be parents
Nina, I would say to forget about contacting your ex. You know already that he really isn’t interested in being a father to his children, atleast the ones he had with you. If he was, he would be more participatory in their lives. Maybe through contacting his parents, he would feel guilty enough to see your son- but at best, he would only be a “luke warm” Dad, and would make your son wonder why he wasn’t so loved. You are so blessed to have your wonderful son in your life, family, friends, health, career… Why not just cut your losses and move on, as hard as it may be??
P.S. this is easier said than done for me too by the way…
I got pregnant to an old flame who lives on the other side of the world. I told him after much thought and he was very angry with me, angry!! It’s amazing isn’t it? He took a risk, I told him I wasn’t on the pill yet he is mad with me for keeping the baby. I told him I didn’t want anything from him and that if he ever did want to be involved with our child he could be and he just stayed angry so I stopped contact and haven’t heard from him since 8 weeks into the pregnancy. My son is now four weeks old and I’m trying to work out whether to contact him to try to get him to sign the birth certificate. I feel bad for my son about the idea of having ‘unknown’ on there, I’m going to get legal advice this week.
But I’m glad I told him. I think it’s important for our children that they’re fathers know they exist and that we have tried. But yes I think if the fathers are violent or crazy then that’s a different story and I understand why you may not want to tell him.
And I’ve almost finished reading ‘Accidentally on purpose’, it’s a great read especially for women like us who are going through something a bit similar.
If and when one finds themselves in this place, you’d better be thinking of what’s best for that child as an adolescent and an adult. This creation in reality is only “yours” for about 7 years before the rest of the world begins putting labels on him/her. You can protect them but this will happen. I was 19 when I chose to have unprotected sex. Of course it was not intentional to get pregnant. It turned out this child gave me direction. For the first time, I became something…Brendon’s mother and I am damn good at it. For me parenting was the only thing that seemed black and white. It’s tough being a single parent of a little one, the emotional trials of being a parent of a young adult is wrenching. My son will be 17 in Feb. Although I was scared and uncomfortable at times sharing him with someone else…it was my responsibility to also encourage that he know who he is and where he comes from, not only what he can & will be. Luckily my son’s father is a kind and loving person who adores being a father. It is a terrifying experience.
I wouldn’t say you’re obligated to the man but you will be obligated to your child. Someday they’re going to want to know and may even seek out this person. It’s probably better to be honest from now rather than a decade down the line. Even if you don’t want the support, they may want the opportunity to know this child. And if they don’t, at least you don’t have regret to live with.
I knew someone who found out he had a child when he was 7 – it broke my heart, he was a great uncle and would’ve loved that child. He jumped right in to fatherhood but it would be hard to have missed out on so much without at least been given the option. But I agree not everyone would react the same way.
I certainly don’t think you need some non-partner’s approval to end a pregnancy. Not their call.
Hey,
My perspective is slightly different from your guy’s. I’m adopted and came from someone who was too young to deal with the pregnancy. She told my father that she was pregnant and he freaked out (she was 17, him 19) and left. 6 months after I was born he went to her and begged her to get me back, so either the two of them could raise me, or him with his family. He was desperate. Needless to say – she couldn’t change her mind after she gave me up and decided (since the laws here state that she had up to 6 months to take me back… harsh but true) to let me live with my family.
She never spoke to him again.
For 30 years I have wondered who my father was. I met my bio-mom 10 years ago and we have a great relationship, but I still wonder who he was.
Not allowing your child the opportunity to know where they come from is incredibly selfish. I don’t care if he’s not a good person, the fact is YOU slept with him. That is a decision made by both of you! Denying your child or the father is just cruel. I’m still wondering what’s out there for me, and it hurts knowing that my bio-mom feels that she’s doing me more good than harm by not allowing me the satisfaction of knowing where I come from.
I’m not trying to be harsh here, but I GET IT!
I mean, from a totally different situation, but you have to look at it from the child’s side too. I’m the child.
Sure, if I met him and decided – thank goodness you left him, and didn’t let me be raised by him, let ME (or your child) make that decision. There’s more involved than just the mother and child. As one other person said, there are grandparents and step parents. There’s a whole support system that could be there.
My child is also adopted and “father’s rights” are something that come up a lot. I’m a lot less cavalier about this topic than I used to be despite the fact that I do not buy the “fatherlessness” argument that children who are raised by single mothers will invariably suffer (the research does NOT say that). But K is right that kids do wonder and dads do wonder too. Ideally, a couple should come to some sort of mutally agreeable arrangement about the baby–raise, not raise, adoption, open adoption, etc. I’m sorry, but can you imagine someone walking up to you one day and telling you that you had a child you didn’t know about? Because this is a physically impossible situation for a woman to be in, it’s sometimes hard to think about how that guy would actually feel. Bottom line: always tell unless you fear for your safety and then you shouldn’t be sleeping with the idiot in the first place.
I’m really interested in these comments. I too, am pregnant (have known for 5days) and don’t know if I should tell the father. We are currently in a half-hearted relationship ie: I really care about and want to be with him, but he seems luke warm about me. He is sweet and affectionate towards me, but has a possible violent streak due to his territoral feelings about other men being around his kids (he has two kids already and part-custody). If we broke up and he knew this child was his, he might make life very difficult for me if I found someone in years down the road.
I want children, and was considering sperm donorship even recently. He knew this. We were having unprotected sex, however neither of us thought he was fertil due to his past prostate cancer. But we, adimttedly, were takng a chance. I don’t want child support, he already has two teenage daughters and a very bad relationship with their mother- who is a drunk. They have huge fights and at times the police have been called. He loves hs daughters, but works long hours and has very little time with them or me, due to the long hours he works (there are few jobs in this town) to suppport them on little pay. He does not live in a what I would consider a healthy way, and I am a health nut. In some ways I’d like to protect my child from the stress of being unwanted, and the stress of his life style. Also, if I tell him, in this small town people will think I’m tryng to trap him. If they think I got a sperm donor they will be happy- as I am 37 and have wanted a child for a few years now . If they know who the real father is, they will see it as an unwanted child and treat us accordingly. I want to have a happy child, and am sorrowful to have done a horrible job of creating a solid foundation for him/her. It will be very stressful for my sometimes boyfriend, as he doesn’t want me, or want another child, and yet would not be able to detach hiimself- he would be involved and would probably resent it. I’d like to raise a baby without hurting him, and wonder if not telling him would protect all three of us?
I have been pregnant for 18 weeks, and I told the father once I knew. We were together for three years and had broken up a few weeks prior to me finding out, so he thought it was simply a ploy to get him back. I didn’t bring it up again while we were talking, but at this point, we haven’t spoken in 3 1/2 months. I feel like I should tell him. I would like my child to have the option to contact his/her father when they are old enough to make the decision. I just don’t know how to tell him. I am once again fearful of his reaction, as I am unfortunately still in love with this “man.” My pregnancy has been rocky and I’m already stressed out, I am not fond of putting any more stress on myself. I am having my own civil war inside my own head, cause for the war being mine and my baby’s well being vs. my child’s future. I have contemplated writing him a letter, but I don’t know how effective that will be. He is an addict, and I don’t want this to be the cause of him going on another downward spiral as he just cleaned up last March. I know that I would like him to know at some point, I just am not sure if I should contact him before the birth or after the baby is born. I am so grateful to have found this site to read. Thank you!
WOW that’s a LOT of typing… I have had funny mixed reactions to my announcing i was pregnant… alot of people who love me obsessing over who the father is and would he be supporting me… the reality is I’m happy to have people think I played with a turkey baster… I have even joked I’m gonna wait and see what hair colour the baby has and then I’d know who the daddy is… I don’t care what people think of me… I do know who the dad is but it’s no one else business… the main thing is I am happy, the baby and I are both healthy (the pregnancy is going well), the baby is loved and wanted already even by people whose morality doesn’t agree with single parenting and alot of excitement that none of us have had a little one in our lives for a long long time.
It is also gonna be a “recycled” baby in that most of his clothes, items are secondhand etc but that’s not a bad thing in this credit crunch year.
My 2cents… never been pregnant, but 32 years ago my mother found herself pregnant and unmarried. She told the father; he asked her to marry him; she said no; he hasn't been seen since. So, that whole not marrying him thing turned out to be good! Honestly, I've still never met my father and I don't really care. (Siblings I'm interested in… father, not so much.) But I also am glad that my mom did tell him. I think I'd resent her if she hadn't and then I'd probably spend time wondering if he'd love me if only he knew I existed. Instead, I have a great relationship with my mom, have found other wonderful father figures not related to me, and only randomly in passing do I think about the other set of genes living in me.
Hi All,
First off, my name is James, and I just got out of a horrible relationship, not because of my ex but rather because of me. I lied, I cheated, and I am taking responsibility for those things. Here's the thing. Last night, my ex stopped by my house and we talked and before the conversation was over she told me she was 4 weeks "late." Today is 05/11/2009, she was suppose to get her period on or around the 04/16/2009. She said she has experienced mood swings, and a desire for spicy food (which she has NEVER, liked before). I texted her today and asked her to please please take a test. she has not responded. I KNOW it's a woman's right to choose. I don't agree with it but it's the law. I want to take responsibility. I want to be in this child's life, if she is in fact pregnant. I just don't know what to do. What do I do? I've read everyone of the previous posts. I just don't know how to handle this situation. I don't even know if she is in fact pregnant. What scares me is that she could
a) be pregnant and keep it and never tell me
b) be pregnant and chose not to keep it and never tell me
c) be pregnant and tell me
d) not be pregnant and never tell me
e) not be pregnant and tell me
i don't know where this is going, because the shock of it has been numming. She even said that she thought "she'd get a bigger response out of me" when she told me. I am just trying to process this information and I want to do the "right thing." If anyone has any advice please let me know. I want her to know that I am there for her and want to support her. My email address is msu_superman@yahoo.com
Please I am open to anything. I must request tho, please don't email me and be little me.
I am 27 years old, and she is 23. I have a full time salaried job, and she is a waitress.
I have a 8 month old son, with a man I just broke up with. I just discovered I am pregnant. I am not sure if he wants another child or not, but I do. What if he thinks it's a pressure tactic to get him back?
I am pregnant and it's to a man whom i have loved for some time. We dated a few years back and have on-off stints of passionate nights sometimes sharing days at a time in each others company. We were together last month and he made sure to tell me it was purely sex which i am fine with as i know it could not go further.
My thoughts and questions are:
I have vowed after i had my first child and in which i broke up with her father after 4 years, was that i would never have another baby unless i was married or together with the man so to offer a child and my 7 year old now the best upbringing possible. Now i know a woman can do it by herself but lets not kid ourselves girls, it is emotionally, physically and financially extremely intensely difficult and given the option, we shouldn't not/have to do it ourselves.
I do not wish to have an abortion as i am now in my 30's and i have a back condition that WILL worsen over time so really, i shouldn't give up the opportunity to bring another love into this world. BUT i really don't want to do it alone and i am fairly sure that this man does not love me as i do him so what do i do? How do i tell him? Gosh would there be any chance that he will feel the same about raising a child in a more family orientation i.e parents together? He is going away for awhile and i really don't want to tell him before he goes as i want him to go away and do what he needs to do but then what if he stays away longer than expected? I am really quite stuck and scared that he will hate me. I am scared that my feelings of fear will lead me to get an abortion purely because of the fact that he may hate me and i want him in my life as my friend if anything. I know that is selfish of me when thinking of an unborn child, but i don't want this child to feel unwanted when older. I know he would make a brilliant father and we could definitely make it happen together but from what he said last month about it only being sex, i don't think he would want to make it work together.
Him telling me it's only sex has totally crushed my confidence and i feel half myself and not worthy even as a mother strangely.
So so stuck!! How would i tell him without him thinking negative of me and the baby?
also, i don't think it would be right to tell him while he is away. This is serious and would need to be shared face to face. Only other thing is i don't want him to think it's a stint it seems men can be so hooked up on themselves that he may immediately think i am pressuring him? Should i send him a letter from the doctor? Or would this be rude or too informal? We are very good friends too so i want him to feel a part, not on the outside even though he may treat or be like that toward myself.
Thank you
I found out that I was pregnant after I dumped a violent and controlling boyfriend. I was terrified of him, and of what he might do to me or my baby. I haven't told him and she's nearly a year old. I didn't know then that he was a criminal, was in the country with false immigration status but I did know that he was violent and volitile. I found out later that he was stealing a lot of money from a lot of people and landed himself in jail. So, even when I was tempted to tell him it turned out that he was even worse than I knew. I consulted a couple of lawyers and was told that not telling him wouldn't hurt me legally if he somehow found out later. He could some day request a paternity test, but would require a court order.
I don't regret my decision even though I know that she will likely have questions about her father and why I never informed him. I know that there will be a day that she resents me. But, she is smart and I know that she'll one day understand that it was the safest thing for me to do. This wasn't a case of he's a bad guy, and he'll turn his life around when he finds out. It wasn't just a case of me not wanting him in my life. I couldn't, with a good conscience, put my pregnant self or my baby in harm's way.
I think in most cases, the father should know – but,I have a hard time saying it's his right when it would bring a child into a dangerous situation.
I’ve been dying to get an opinion on this for quite some time… I know this is an old forum, but I still see recent posts… So here goes…
I have been with a man for 13 years, although never legally married, and we have three children together, ages 9, 5 and 1.5… The “trick” is that the baby is not really his. And he has known that since the stick turned pink.
We have always had an open relationship, so it wasn’t an instance of me even being unfaithful.
Obviously we decided together to not tell the “real” father about this child and to just raise him as if everything was hunky dory. My partner was even adopted himself, so he doesn’t have any issues of relating to the child even though they are not of the same blood.
Well, anyway, time has passed… But I still feel an enormous amount of guilt that I just can’t shoulder on many days. The internet has recently reconnected my “friend” and I, but my partner and I do rationally agree that telling him at this point would still cause more harm than good.
I can’t shake it, though. He is a decent, single man; a teacher who loves kids and would love to have children of his own. We stopped seeing each other, though, because he grew uncomfortable with me, as he tended to view me as being married.
If we tell him now, it would destroy the family we have together now. It would hurt my partner’s feelings, I know, but it would also be very awkward for our older children to deal with this.
But the more I see my “friend” giving up hope of never having kids of his own, when indeed he has fathered a happy, healthy, beautiful child… I grow more and more conflicted.
I hope I’ve covered all the bases with the background story… Does anyone, by any chance, have any suggestions? Keep our loving family together as it is, or tell him, and shoulder the consequences? Which would range from dealing with visitation, legal changes, separating our family as it is now, burdening him with expenses, keeping him from finding his own brand of happiness in life with any future possibilities of a “real” family of his own… And many, many more… Most of which we think about, but probably even more that we haven’t yet considered.
Thanks,
G
dear mssinglemamma,
very useful info here! thank you.
i’m pregnant right now… just found out today. i’m happy. but scared bc i just found out last week that the father of my baby is getting married to someone else… who is about 5 months pregnant! i had no idea this woman was in the picture. he kept all this from me… i wouldn’t have seen him had i known that. i’m afraid to tell him about my baby…seems he has already chosen his path… so confused. help! any advice?
S
I’m in a difficult situation.. I have a beautiful 3 year old son with my boyfriend of 5 years, 2 years of which have been on again, off again. we have both been with other people..well only one other person.. during the “off” periods of the relationship. Earlier this year was one of those times, and I was with my ex once. That one time resulted in a pregnancy and now I’m 16 weeks along and have told nobody. I had no clue I was pregnant because my periods are erratic and sometimes do not come for 2 months. I found out after my boyfriend and I had been back together for quite a while, and I know there is no chance this baby is his because of how far along I am. I don’t know how to tell him, it would just kill him. We have been through so much together, and have finally managed to work things out. I thought about getting an abortion, but just couldn’;t bring myself to seriously consider it because it’s not the baby’s fault, it’s mine. I’m going to have to tell him soon, and everyone else, because it’s not something that is easy to hide as you all know. I just don’t know what to do at all. I work full time..my boyfriend is a stay at home dad and I’m the only one to pay rent on our apartment.. and I go to college part time and am 1 semester away from graduating. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but I really screwed things up this time :’(
As for the this baby’s father, he is absolutely non-existent in my life right now. His phone has shut off and even though I know where he lives I am not intending (at least not any time soon) on telling him about this baby. He has expressed to me in the past how he never wants kids, and I 100% agree that it would be most ideal for him not to have any. He is into illegal activities.. not drugs but other kinds, I won’t elaborate..and that is why we stopped talking in the first place. I do believe that he has a right to know someday, and someday I will tell him, if I can find him. Is it wrong to want to wait to tell him? To wait until he cleans up his act? Or to never tell him? I am going to tell my boyfriend first, and I know he will probably leave me.. I’ve been dreading tell him because I don’t want to hurt him, he is a wonderful man and I can’t bear the thought of losing him though I’m trying to stay realistic here and I know he will most likely hate me for this. Most of all I want to do what is best for my son, and right now I do not know what that is.
Hey,
I need help. I found out two weeks ago that i am 5 months pregnant. Turns out its from a one night stand i had ages ago. the problem however is that i told the wrong guy he was the dad. I have only slept with 2 people this year and i told the wrong guy. I was in shock, surprised and i got the dates wrong. I’ve told the guy that i was wrong and he was fine, we are friends and he realises that i am not some sort of man trap and i made a genuine error. I’m now faced with two problems, 1. i have to tell the dad that he is going to be a father and 2. i need to tell my parents that i got the guy wrong!! I have no idea how to do either of these things. I already have a 9 year old and her dad hasn’t been in touch since i told him i was 3 months pregnant, and the thought of telling this guy is giving me sleepless nights. He is a nice enough guy but i just dont know if i want him in my life for the next 18 plus years so i’m stuck with this one. Next, is how do i tell my parents? They think that its guy number 1 and where heartbroken when i told them i was pregnant again, i can’t face telling them i got it wrong. I know that they are going to think i am some kind of slapper for sleeping with 2 guys and i can’t face either the disappointment or the argument. I should also mention that as soon as i found out i was pregnant i went for a termination only to discover that i was 20 weeks gone. I couldn’t consider a termination at this late stage and i’m really struggling with the idea of a baby again. Please help me because i have no idea how to deal with this situation at all. I’m constantly unhappy and i cry alot, but i still have to be strong and excited for the sake of my daughter.
I appreciate all your thoughts.