She’s pregnant. Should she tell the father?

by mssinglemama on March 1, 2008

pregnant_woman.jpgIt’s a question so perplexing they’ve made movies about it … most recently “Knocked Up,” which I think is completely unrealistic. Laughable really.

What are the odds that a man who you’re not even in love with would miraculously become your knight in shining armor? If the main character would have ended up alone – would that really have been such a tragic ending? On the contrary, I think it would have been a story of strength. The strength to realize that staying with someone just because you’re pregnant may actually be the wrong one.

Claudia just commented on my “I LOVE Being a Single Mom” post with this question:

“Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.

In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone. Very controlling, but if I do tell the father, it will be me controlling the situation. His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?

Unfortunately we humans haven’t developed psychic powers yet and most single moms (like myself) are in situations where we are constantly torn about whether or not the father should be in the picture.

Take my situation for example, I would kill for Benjamin’s father to be more involved. Our door has always, always been open for him to spend more time with his son. But for two years he never asks for extra time or calls to check in. His ambivalence often makes me wonder if he even really wants to be a father…or if he just feels obligated to stay near us. And of course, I wonder if an ambivalent father is better or worse than no father at all.

But I can not push him out of Benjamin’s life deliberately – not yet anyway. Not for intangible causes. Not because he “just doesn’t seem to care.” That would be crazy, right? The questions are always there…always. And none of us absolutely know the answers. So on that note…

My feelings are that she should tell him. It sounds like his life is on the fast track … but he does have a right to know.

Yes it might “ruin” his life – but life is hard. And eventually he might realize that being a parent is one of the most miraculous things we humble humans get to experience. If he doesn’t care and ignores Claudia and her child – he’ll still be obligated to pay child support, which I’m sure she’ll need. And if he is a fantastic father – than better still.

Guys- what do you think? Single Mamas – what should she do?

[Photo credit: http://www.motherhoodsonogram.com/]

{ 82 comments… read them below or add one }

mediakemi March 1, 2008 at 2:32 am

Absolutely right away. This is why many men then push it on someone else degrading us by denying paternity. Don’t make them start calculating what they did or didn’t do 9 months ago.

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Lauren March 1, 2008 at 2:49 am

Definitely tell the father. He can decide to be in the picture or not, but he should at least know that he has a child on the way.

I could probably go on for a little bit about my own situation with telling the father, so I think I may just have to write an entry about it on my blog!

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mssinglemama March 1, 2008 at 3:54 am

So how should she tell the father she’s pregnant??? What words should she use? Should she lay out expectations? Demands? I think she should be very delicate about it – but make it clear that he is welcome in the child’s life…

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Lauren March 1, 2008 at 4:12 am

Ok, here’s that post: http://mommacumlaude.wordpress.com/2008/02/29/telling-the-father-and-dealing-with-his-reaction/

Hmm… I think I just said something like, “I need to talk to you about something…” and then told him I was pregnant very bluntly. Maybe laying out some expectations would be good, but that might have to wait for another conversation. It depends on how he initially handles the news. He may be in too much shock and need to sit back and think about the whole situation before getting into a deeper discussion about it.

And if she tells him over the phone (like I ended up doing), she should check where he is — I told the father while he was driving… probably not the best timing on my part!

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Bavani March 1, 2008 at 10:25 am

Hi

I just wanted to say that I read your blog religiously 🙂
I’m not a single mama – but I don’t think I need to be a single mama to admire your strength – something I often wish I had more of.

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mary March 1, 2008 at 1:56 pm

She has to tell him.

Morally and legally…she just has to.

He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her.

But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.

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jay August 4, 2013 at 3:39 am

Morals are a personal belief system so morally it is only wrong if YOU feel that and legally you do not have to tell anyone anything. If that were true shows like Maury and Steve Wilkos would not exist. You are the only one who has to deal with the decision. The child may be better off without him. There are literally millions of children who have grown up without a father and turned out just fine. Best of luck to you.

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mssinglemama March 1, 2008 at 3:59 pm

Lauren – our pregnant single mom – you are the best! Thanks for that link, I hope she starts following your blog.

Bavani – thank you! I don’t know where my strength comes from, but like everyone else I too have major moments of weakness. Just focusing on the positive and not dwelling on the negative are my secrets. I’m so glad you finally commented!

Mary – really? Do the laws change from state to state? I agree with you – morally it’s definitely the right thing to do – just didn’t know you legally had to as well. Hmmm….

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Tina Thomsen March 1, 2008 at 10:00 pm

I totally agree with Mary. She has to tell him. No excuses not to.

http://www.tinathomsen.wordpress.com

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dadshouse March 1, 2008 at 10:04 pm

As a single dad who is involved in my kids’ life, I can say that parenting is the greatest experience I’ve ever had. I’m guessing a lot of you single moms feel the same way. This pregnant women should definitely tell the dad – he may need time to accept the shock, but he deserves the chance to be part of the child’s life. And the child deserves to have a father in the picture. I know every situation is different, and some men are deadbeat dads, but others embrace the opportunity of raising a child.

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johnhendel March 1, 2008 at 11:32 pm

I think the door should at least be open to any father (barring anything notoriously harsh or God forbid, abusive on his part, potentially). It would kill me to ever have a child concealed from me, personally, especially if I found out 10, 20 years down the line. I would be outraged that the information was kept from me in the first place. The child never belongs more to the woman in question than me or vice versa–it’s a mutual thing.

Of course, if the father doesn’t want to be in the picture, if he’s running away, then I’m entirely sympathetic and that’s a different story. But to deceive him or avoid mentioning it entirely? I couldn’t support that.

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mssinglemama March 2, 2008 at 1:12 am

I think it’s unanimous…so Claudia, if you’re reading – tell him! And you should read Mamma Cum Laude’s blog (see her link above) as she’s a pregnant single mother. She is going through all of this right now…

Dad’s House and John – tks for commenting – LOVE it when the men chime in. And it’s so nice to hear from stand up guys like yourselves.

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randomesq March 2, 2008 at 2:40 am

I do not believe there is a legal requirement to tell the father but, then again, I’m a corporate attorney, not a family law one and it is entirely likely that I could be both surprised and humbled to find out otherwise.

I think the father has a right to know and can only think of very particular, almost extreme, situations in which that general principle should be trumped. I think it is a pretty clear moral decision but not one without exceptions.

R.

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Gayle March 2, 2008 at 3:29 pm

I agree 100% with Mary.
“She has to tell him. Morally and legally…she just has to. He may turn out to be a really crappy father or he may surprise her. But she doesn’t have the right to exclude him.”

I think whether the baby is going to cause the father stress and change his life is the father’s problem if that’s the way he chooses to deal with & handle the situation. We all CHOOSE how we go in life. This is not something that just happens to be HAPPENING to him behind the scenes. He’s just as responsible and should be involved for the baby’s future just as Mom is.

If the father is going to be excluded, that’s a choice he’s going to have to make for himself (or maybe a court will if circumstances are such…ie drugs or whatnot).

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Teresa March 3, 2008 at 3:59 pm

I am pregnant right now and I do not want to the father. If the father can not sue me or come after me with some kind of legal action then I will not tell him. I agree that the father should know and it is his choose to stay or go but ever situation is different. And some women are in bad situations and do not want to him. They might be afraid of him in some way and then it should be up to her to tell him or not.
Teresa

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TXMommy March 3, 2008 at 4:00 pm

I was in a similar situation recently… I told the daddy and he was so excited. For 3 days. Then he called to tell me he didn’t believe me and that I would be crazy to try to keep the baby on my own. Haven’t heard from him since – and she’s now 15 months. It was a hard decision to tell him, but I wanted to at least give him the chance to step up and be a good dad. He decided not to be involved, and I’m not asking for child support. I truly believe not having him in her life is better than trying to force him to visit/pay up/call to say happy birthday, etc. One day, if it is in the cards for us, a wonderful man will come to love us both and will be a better daddy than her biological dad ever could have been. That’s my dream and I’m sticking to it.

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me September 16, 2009 at 1:34 pm

hi! TX MOMMY , I FEEL YOUR PAIN ,I TOO IS IN THE SAME SITUATION .MY DAUGHTER FATHER WAS AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT .SHE WILL BE THREE IN NOV. HE ONLY SEEN MY DAUGHTER A FEW TIMES ENOUGH FOR HER TO KNOW THAT IS DADDY .WHEN SHE STARTED TALKING SHE WOULD ASK ME TO CALL HIM ON THE PHONE ,HE WOULDN’T ANSWER ,AFTER A WHILE ..ONE DAY MY TOLD ME TO CALL HER DAD ,I DID..GUESS WHAT!!!?? HE CHANGED ALL CONTACT INFO.AND WE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM SINCE ,HE NEVER CAME BACK TO SEE HER.I HURT EVERYDAY ,WHEN SHE ASK ME WHERE IS DADDY?? BUT GOD WILL CONTINUE TO BLESS US WITH OUR CHILDREN ..LIKE YOU SAID MAYBE GOD WILL SEND A GOOD MAN IN OUR LIVES TO BE GOOD FATHER’S TO OUR DAUGHTERS GOD BLESS YOU …

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mssinglemama March 14, 2008 at 11:50 am

Teresa – you’re absolutely right…if there are drugs, abuse or if the father is any kind of threat to the child than forget about it.

TX – a wonderful man will come along!

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Hershel May 3, 2008 at 11:32 pm

I am a single man who was just informed by a friend that they ran into my ex-girlfriend at a restaurant and she was “very” pregnant. We stopped dating 5 months ago when her behavior became very odd.
We have not spoken since our break-up and I have reasons to believe she has been back with her ex-husband. Obviously, there is a possibility that the child is mine and this person is not saying a word.

I need some advice – both morally and legally: should I contact her to inquire or should I sit back and let things run its course? I am very nervous and want to handle this matter responsibly and morally!

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mssinglemama May 3, 2008 at 11:58 pm

Oh my god. Wow…I would call her. Why not? Start with a phone call, congratulating her. If it’s your child you have the right to know now. Years later, if it is yours, she could come at your for past due child support (I actually know a man who this happened to) … horrible because he never knew he had a kid until he was 14 and knocked on his door.

And morally – if it is your child – than, yes, you should be in his or her life.

My two cents, but I am NOT a lawyer or a moral authority – just a single mom.

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soontobesinglemama July 30, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Right now I am going through the same thing. I have no idea whether or not to tell him. It was more of a long time no see, friendship turned drunken opps….Since the opps I havent talked to him except for once when he all out blew me off with some lame comment about great seeing you again. After that I deleted his number and the only way I have to get a hold of him is to go to his house. Not sure if I should do that. This is not really how I pictured my life at this point or such a blessing to be brought with such a man. Any advice?

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Kendra September 4, 2009 at 2:06 pm

I am in the same situation now. I did inform the guy about it…Lucky for facebook…otherwise, he would have received a home visit from me. So when he called me, I told him the news. He was not happy about it, infact he told me to get an abortion. I almost did, but in my heart I knew for sure I could not go that route. So I’m keeping the baby. My issues now is, after I told him I was gonna go get the abortion, I changed my mind and I have not told him that part yet…YIKES!!!! Not to mention this guy has trust issues with past women that he has dealt with and has been in this situation before….however he does not have any live children.

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jennifer March 26, 2015 at 6:45 pm

Kendra. What type of trust issues may I ask? in the same situation and he has trust issues..like going from woman to woman. I will not speak to him. He’s into some nasty things.

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soontobesinglemama July 30, 2008 at 1:15 pm

I think to top it all off I am a 24 year old teacher that should be leading by example

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mssinglemama July 30, 2008 at 1:58 pm

Wow. I wish I could give you advice. There’s a fantastic book by Mary Pols called “Accidentally on Purpose” but she was older … same situation though. One night stand.

I don’t know if you should tell him. I personally am torn about this one. Unless he’s abusive, on drugs or a criminal I would probably tell him.

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Vikki September 6, 2008 at 8:50 am

I had a one night stand and fell pregnant. just told the Dad… he is still absorbing the shock but says we will talk soon. He asked what I wanted from him… I replied to know of any relevant medical history that may affect the baby… not sure what kinda hormones coursing thru my bod when I can be so rational and civilised and growed up but there’s no poiint being negative and shouting at each other. So we’ll see what happens and stay healthy in mean time.

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Vikki September 10, 2008 at 3:59 am

By the end of the weekend, I had a reply from the “turkeybaster”…
Hey. I’ve spent all weekend thinking about nothing else but this. I’m
really sorry but I really don’t want anything to do with you or the
pregnancy. I know how much you want this and i’d be wasting my time trying
to convince you to terminate. But this would have such a massive impact on my
life in such a negative way that I can’t be involved in this at all. I would
like us to take a DNA test once the baby is born but I know there’s nothing
we can do before then. Can I ask you to please only get in touch if you
absolutely have to? I don’t need to be kept informed on how things are
going. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, it isn’t meant to, but I’m
finding it extremely difficult to put into words how I’m feeling.

Take care and I hope everything goes well.

To which I replied i didn’t expect anything less from him and that i would not be in touch again and that it was between him and the child support agency… within 10 minutes my phone was ringing… needless to say I ignored it…

Watch this space

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Missy October 1, 2008 at 7:50 pm

How do you tell him if he happens to be married?

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Amanda October 10, 2008 at 8:20 pm

I’m in a similar situation…I don’t know if I should tell the father. Reason being, is that he has become unstable mentally and refuses help, despite his suicide attempts. Sometimes it’s just not best for the mother or the baby to tell the father. I have a stable job and a stable family, no problem taking care of a child on my own for sure. But, if he got the help he needed, I would definately tell him. It all depends on the circumstances.

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Sha November 6, 2008 at 11:07 am

I had a one night stand with a guy in December 1999. He was crazy about me but I was unsure of my feelings for him. I found out in January of 2000 that I was pregnant. I have kept the secret of who my daughter’s father is from him and everyone in my family. I have never admitted that I even slept with this man. My daughter is now 8 years old and I am regretting my decision. How do I ever explain to her father that I have kept this secret for all these years? I don’t want any child support or anything like that, so this is not why I want to tell him. I think he deserves to know the truth.

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mssinglemama November 9, 2008 at 8:22 pm

Sha – Maybe start by writing a him a letter? Just be sure to release him of any obligation – and, of course, apologize explaining how you felt at the time – but just be honest – tell him how much you regret your decision now. You know?

If it is meant to be – if he is meant to be in your daughter’s life – he will understand.

A friend of mine’s husband just found out he has a 6 year old daughter and he loves her so much – sees her all of the time and pays child support.

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Christy December 13, 2008 at 11:06 am

I am so tired of people talking so passionately about the man having a “right to know”. I’m sorry, but we all know how this works. If you have sex unprotected then there is a chance that a child could’ve been conceived! If he has such a “right to know” then don’t you think that he *would* know? The man knows that his actions could end in a pregnancy just as much as a woman knows this. The difference is that nature has given women the privelage to always absolutely know whether her actions result in a pregnancy or not…because she’s the one who gets pregnant. That’s a risk she takes when she has unprotected sex with a man she may not want to have in her life. The risk the man takes is that he could get a woman pregnant…he doesn’t have the privelage of knowing this UNLESS HE TAKES THE RESPONSIBILITY to follow up with the woman. If she has to take the responsiblity to carry the child for 9 months the least he could do is be concerned enough to stay in some sort of contact with her w/in the 9 months after their ‘activities” to ask or find out for himself what consequences may have resulted. The fact is, there are men out there who have children they don’t know about…there is not a single woman who has a child she doesn’t know about. Once a woman is pregnant her responsibility lies solely with her child. She must weigh her situation, take a hard look at the circumstances (who is this man and would I want him to be part of my child’s life?) If the father comes around and sees that she is pregnant and asks her about it, then I believe it is her obligation to tell him the truth. But if she has to bend over backwards to track the guy down (who she questions his lifestyle and his possible receptiveness to the news), her child may be better off not having that man part of his or her life. The right of the man to know whether or not his actions turns into a child rests with the man to find out…the woman owes him nothing. She owes everything to her child…and some may disagree, but I truly believe that in certain circumstances it is in the best interest of the child to have one good parent rather than two bad ones. And a mother who has a choice after conception whether to keep the man in her child’s life or not should be thinking of the rights of her child, not the rights of the man. And when we’re talking about a possible unstable, irresponsible, poor and dangerous lifestyle of the man, it is in her child’s best interest to keep him out of the picture…to protect her child and not give into the quick and easy (and extremely simplistic) “you must tell the man – he has a right to know”…makes her the one good parent and that child will someday understand. And if a man has a child out there that he doesn’t know about then he has no one but himself to blame. He had sex, he knows that if he never sees the woman again that that is a possibilty…it is his own fault to trust the woman to go out of her way to tell him about it. Why should ALL the responsibilty be placed on the woman? Bottom line, if a woman questions whether or not she should tell the man that he is the father of her child, she should NEVER base her decision solely on the idea that the man has “a right to know”. She owes nothing to that man other than a silent thank you for being part of creating a beautiful life that she owes everything to…she needs to love, cherish and *protect* her child. And that does not always equal bringing the child’s biological father into their life. In many cases, it means just the opposite.

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YZH August 16, 2012 at 12:52 am

So eloquently said, Christy. Personally, your comments struck a strong cord with me. After some struggle recently with trying to decide on whether to reach out to my seven year-old’s eternally irresponsible biological father and family, I have decided that no dad is better than a lousy dad. Right now, instinctively, for my child to not know, and for him to continue to not know would only be for the better in our case. For now, I feel comfortable about putting the issue back to bed for now. Thank you for this.

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Grateful H May 31, 2013 at 6:06 am

Hi Christy, YZH, Christna Mat, and Nina, I’m so grateful for what you all wrote that I’ve copied and pasted it to a very long note on my computer. There’s so little spoken/written support out there from this perspective of the argument. You each have a purely practical, thoughtful, and uncommen, child-based point of view. What I’ve mostly found out there, is a monopoly of a long list of people saying that “his rights dictate…” etc etc.

There are so many shades of gray, and each situation deserves as much detailed, delicate, and thoughtful consideration as the next. It’s not a black and white (“he has a right” etc) scenario at all. So thanks, and I’d love to maybe get in touch? It’s not easy to find like-minded people out there and we could use all the support we can get. This isn’t easy!

You can get a hold of me at heidicollins@live.com Thanks agin! Anyone else who reads this; please respect that my email is on here specifically for only these four people.

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Christina Mat December 13, 2008 at 12:29 pm

The mother, from the day her baby is born, should feel her main responsibility is to raise her child to be a happy, healthy, stable, loved, secure, well rounded, good individual. Of course, the most ideal situation would be to have a loving father who loves his child so much that this too is naturally his goal. If the father simply doesn’t love the child wholeheartedly, it is better for the child to be raised by one dedicated loving mother, than to have to witness this disparity of sentiment and question what they did wrong for their fathers to love them less…. as children do. The mother should ask, is she 100% sure the man who impregnated her is capable of giving this kind of love under the given situation.

Also, the mother should survey her own feelings towards the father before telling him. She should ask herself if the dynamic between the herself and father will contribute towards the child’s happiness, stability, health, etc? If the relationship is murky, will it be realistic for the parents, for a period of 18+ YEARS, to be able to set aside the negative past, and concentrate on parenting as a team without any passive aggressiveness?

Then, there is the “outside factor”- the stepmothers, girlfriends, his parents, friends, etc. These are people that may feel threatened by your child, or see your child as your own personal extension or messenger. Can you guarantee that the father will be willing to protect/ side with your child EVERY time against, say, his jealous girlfriend that he would do anything for, or his mother, who is bitter that part of her son’s income is under your control and never liked you anyway? Do you even want to risk having the possibility of your child exposed to nasty passive/ aggressive comments that hurt your child’s feelings or make them feel as if they have diminished worth?

Take away message? First comes your child’ s happiness, health, stability, secure, well-roundedness, goodness, etc , secondly, factors that will enhance all above feelings in you (maternal stability is HUGE for your child). Lastly, factors in the father’s right to know/ parent.

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Nina December 13, 2008 at 2:31 pm

well I just found your site and this is old but…I guess ask why are you telling him? for me, I had to do what I thought was best for my son and I didn’t want to say when he was older that his father didn’t even know…but now i’ll have to say your father didn’t care to be involved (since I refused marriage) and that’s a whole other issue. I am an attorney in child welfare so somewhat familiar with parental right laws…as of now my son’s father has none. I did not put him on the birth certificate, he has never inquired as to his child’s welfare and that is considered abandonment in utah after 6 months. now I’m debating with sending his parents a letter to get a health history…its nerve wracking…but I had to explore in telling the father and contacting his parents, if I am doing it for me or my son…did I have a secret wish the father would come back and be this amazing father despite mental health and substance abuse issues? probably a little part of me did…now I worry about asking his parents for info because I don’t want him back. but except for abuse concerns I would tell the father for the child’s sake but then be aware you may have more involvement to deal with than you ever wanted. (as a side note, I put a link to one of your blogs on my blos I don’t want to violate any copyright laws but I think putting a link is ok I didn’t cut and paste your blog but if its not, will you let me know? thanks)

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Nina December 13, 2008 at 2:45 pm

sorry I then went up and read the comments, there is no legal obligation a woman has to tell a man. that’s ridiculous. show me the law that says that!!! utah, a very conservative state, doesn’t even allow for paternity to be established unless a father’s name is PUT ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND he signs a declaration of paternity IF THEY ARE UNMARRIED. AND unless a father is providing support he has NO RIGHTS to the child after that (visitation wise) even if paternity has been established…(and it can be minimal support I had an attorney complain to me that his client just HAD to hve the 10 bucks a month from the inmate father who now was getting visitation because of that) so just be smart…and do what is best for your child and your situation. read supreme court decision…scalia says parent have no such thing as parental rights…if you read the constitution…some others disagree but it wasn’t in there when this country was founded…I think we are just lucky to be parents 🙂

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Christina Mat December 15, 2008 at 5:49 pm

Nina, I would say to forget about contacting your ex. You know already that he really isn’t interested in being a father to his children, atleast the ones he had with you. If he was, he would be more participatory in their lives. Maybe through contacting his parents, he would feel guilty enough to see your son- but at best, he would only be a “luke warm” Dad, and would make your son wonder why he wasn’t so loved. You are so blessed to have your wonderful son in your life, family, friends, health, career… Why not just cut your losses and move on, as hard as it may be??
P.S. this is easier said than done for me too by the way…

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Rita1968 December 16, 2008 at 2:53 am

I got pregnant to an old flame who lives on the other side of the world. I told him after much thought and he was very angry with me, angry!! It’s amazing isn’t it? He took a risk, I told him I wasn’t on the pill yet he is mad with me for keeping the baby. I told him I didn’t want anything from him and that if he ever did want to be involved with our child he could be and he just stayed angry so I stopped contact and haven’t heard from him since 8 weeks into the pregnancy. My son is now four weeks old and I’m trying to work out whether to contact him to try to get him to sign the birth certificate. I feel bad for my son about the idea of having ‘unknown’ on there, I’m going to get legal advice this week.

But I’m glad I told him. I think it’s important for our children that they’re fathers know they exist and that we have tried. But yes I think if the fathers are violent or crazy then that’s a different story and I understand why you may not want to tell him.

And I’ve almost finished reading ‘Accidentally on purpose’, it’s a great read especially for women like us who are going through something a bit similar.

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Anonymous December 16, 2008 at 8:10 am

If and when one finds themselves in this place, you’d better be thinking of what’s best for that child as an adolescent and an adult. This creation in reality is only “yours” for about 7 years before the rest of the world begins putting labels on him/her. You can protect them but this will happen. I was 19 when I chose to have unprotected sex. Of course it was not intentional to get pregnant. It turned out this child gave me direction. For the first time, I became something…Brendon’s mother and I am damn good at it. For me parenting was the only thing that seemed black and white. It’s tough being a single parent of a little one, the emotional trials of being a parent of a young adult is wrenching. My son will be 17 in Feb. Although I was scared and uncomfortable at times sharing him with someone else…it was my responsibility to also encourage that he know who he is and where he comes from, not only what he can & will be. Luckily my son’s father is a kind and loving person who adores being a father. It is a terrifying experience.

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Leslie December 16, 2008 at 8:38 am

I wouldn’t say you’re obligated to the man but you will be obligated to your child. Someday they’re going to want to know and may even seek out this person. It’s probably better to be honest from now rather than a decade down the line. Even if you don’t want the support, they may want the opportunity to know this child. And if they don’t, at least you don’t have regret to live with.

I knew someone who found out he had a child when he was 7 – it broke my heart, he was a great uncle and would’ve loved that child. He jumped right in to fatherhood but it would be hard to have missed out on so much without at least been given the option. But I agree not everyone would react the same way.

I certainly don’t think you need some non-partner’s approval to end a pregnancy. Not their call.

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k December 16, 2008 at 10:37 am

Hey,
My perspective is slightly different from your guy’s. I’m adopted and came from someone who was too young to deal with the pregnancy. She told my father that she was pregnant and he freaked out (she was 17, him 19) and left. 6 months after I was born he went to her and begged her to get me back, so either the two of them could raise me, or him with his family. He was desperate. Needless to say – she couldn’t change her mind after she gave me up and decided (since the laws here state that she had up to 6 months to take me back… harsh but true) to let me live with my family.
She never spoke to him again.
For 30 years I have wondered who my father was. I met my bio-mom 10 years ago and we have a great relationship, but I still wonder who he was.
Not allowing your child the opportunity to know where they come from is incredibly selfish. I don’t care if he’s not a good person, the fact is YOU slept with him. That is a decision made by both of you! Denying your child or the father is just cruel. I’m still wondering what’s out there for me, and it hurts knowing that my bio-mom feels that she’s doing me more good than harm by not allowing me the satisfaction of knowing where I come from.
I’m not trying to be harsh here, but I GET IT!
I mean, from a totally different situation, but you have to look at it from the child’s side too. I’m the child.
Sure, if I met him and decided – thank goodness you left him, and didn’t let me be raised by him, let ME (or your child) make that decision. There’s more involved than just the mother and child. As one other person said, there are grandparents and step parents. There’s a whole support system that could be there.

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O Solo Mama December 16, 2008 at 11:06 am

My child is also adopted and “father’s rights” are something that come up a lot. I’m a lot less cavalier about this topic than I used to be despite the fact that I do not buy the “fatherlessness” argument that children who are raised by single mothers will invariably suffer (the research does NOT say that). But K is right that kids do wonder and dads do wonder too. Ideally, a couple should come to some sort of mutally agreeable arrangement about the baby–raise, not raise, adoption, open adoption, etc. I’m sorry, but can you imagine someone walking up to you one day and telling you that you had a child you didn’t know about? Because this is a physically impossible situation for a woman to be in, it’s sometimes hard to think about how that guy would actually feel. Bottom line: always tell unless you fear for your safety and then you shouldn’t be sleeping with the idiot in the first place.

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Lizbeth December 16, 2008 at 12:49 pm

I’m really interested in these comments. I too, am pregnant (have known for 5days) and don’t know if I should tell the father. We are currently in a half-hearted relationship ie: I really care about and want to be with him, but he seems luke warm about me. He is sweet and affectionate towards me, but has a possible violent streak due to his territoral feelings about other men being around his kids (he has two kids already and part-custody). If we broke up and he knew this child was his, he might make life very difficult for me if I found someone in years down the road.

I want children, and was considering sperm donorship even recently. He knew this. We were having unprotected sex, however neither of us thought he was fertil due to his past prostate cancer. But we, adimttedly, were takng a chance. I don’t want child support, he already has two teenage daughters and a very bad relationship with their mother- who is a drunk. They have huge fights and at times the police have been called. He loves hs daughters, but works long hours and has very little time with them or me, due to the long hours he works (there are few jobs in this town) to suppport them on little pay. He does not live in a what I would consider a healthy way, and I am a health nut. In some ways I’d like to protect my child from the stress of being unwanted, and the stress of his life style. Also, if I tell him, in this small town people will think I’m tryng to trap him. If they think I got a sperm donor they will be happy- as I am 37 and have wanted a child for a few years now . If they know who the real father is, they will see it as an unwanted child and treat us accordingly. I want to have a happy child, and am sorrowful to have done a horrible job of creating a solid foundation for him/her. It will be very stressful for my sometimes boyfriend, as he doesn’t want me, or want another child, and yet would not be able to detach hiimself- he would be involved and would probably resent it. I’d like to raise a baby without hurting him, and wonder if not telling him would protect all three of us?

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daydreambeliever January 5, 2009 at 9:29 pm

I have been pregnant for 18 weeks, and I told the father once I knew. We were together for three years and had broken up a few weeks prior to me finding out, so he thought it was simply a ploy to get him back. I didn’t bring it up again while we were talking, but at this point, we haven’t spoken in 3 1/2 months. I feel like I should tell him. I would like my child to have the option to contact his/her father when they are old enough to make the decision. I just don’t know how to tell him. I am once again fearful of his reaction, as I am unfortunately still in love with this “man.” My pregnancy has been rocky and I’m already stressed out, I am not fond of putting any more stress on myself. I am having my own civil war inside my own head, cause for the war being mine and my baby’s well being vs. my child’s future. I have contemplated writing him a letter, but I don’t know how effective that will be. He is an addict, and I don’t want this to be the cause of him going on another downward spiral as he just cleaned up last March. I know that I would like him to know at some point, I just am not sure if I should contact him before the birth or after the baby is born. I am so grateful to have found this site to read. Thank you!

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Vikki January 7, 2009 at 8:23 pm

WOW that’s a LOT of typing… I have had funny mixed reactions to my announcing i was pregnant… alot of people who love me obsessing over who the father is and would he be supporting me… the reality is I’m happy to have people think I played with a turkey baster… I have even joked I’m gonna wait and see what hair colour the baby has and then I’d know who the daddy is… I don’t care what people think of me… I do know who the dad is but it’s no one else business… the main thing is I am happy, the baby and I are both healthy (the pregnancy is going well), the baby is loved and wanted already even by people whose morality doesn’t agree with single parenting and alot of excitement that none of us have had a little one in our lives for a long long time.

It is also gonna be a “recycled” baby in that most of his clothes, items are secondhand etc but that’s not a bad thing in this credit crunch year.

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Misty February 4, 2009 at 7:18 pm

My 2cents… never been pregnant, but 32 years ago my mother found herself pregnant and unmarried. She told the father; he asked her to marry him; she said no; he hasn't been seen since. So, that whole not marrying him thing turned out to be good! Honestly, I've still never met my father and I don't really care. (Siblings I'm interested in… father, not so much.) But I also am glad that my mom did tell him. I think I'd resent her if she hadn't and then I'd probably spend time wondering if he'd love me if only he knew I existed. Instead, I have a great relationship with my mom, have found other wonderful father figures not related to me, and only randomly in passing do I think about the other set of genes living in me.

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James May 12, 2009 at 6:19 pm

Hi All,
First off, my name is James, and I just got out of a horrible relationship, not because of my ex but rather because of me. I lied, I cheated, and I am taking responsibility for those things. Here's the thing. Last night, my ex stopped by my house and we talked and before the conversation was over she told me she was 4 weeks "late." Today is 05/11/2009, she was suppose to get her period on or around the 04/16/2009. She said she has experienced mood swings, and a desire for spicy food (which she has NEVER, liked before). I texted her today and asked her to please please take a test. she has not responded. I KNOW it's a woman's right to choose. I don't agree with it but it's the law. I want to take responsibility. I want to be in this child's life, if she is in fact pregnant. I just don't know what to do. What do I do? I've read everyone of the previous posts. I just don't know how to handle this situation. I don't even know if she is in fact pregnant. What scares me is that she could

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James May 12, 2009 at 6:20 pm

a) be pregnant and keep it and never tell me
b) be pregnant and chose not to keep it and never tell me
c) be pregnant and tell me
d) not be pregnant and never tell me
e) not be pregnant and tell me

i don't know where this is going, because the shock of it has been numming. She even said that she thought "she'd get a bigger response out of me" when she told me. I am just trying to process this information and I want to do the "right thing." If anyone has any advice please let me know. I want her to know that I am there for her and want to support her. My email address is msu_superman@yahoo.com

Please I am open to anything. I must request tho, please don't email me and be little me.

I am 27 years old, and she is 23. I have a full time salaried job, and she is a waitress.

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Mila June 12, 2009 at 8:55 am

I have a 8 month old son, with a man I just broke up with. I just discovered I am pregnant. I am not sure if he wants another child or not, but I do. What if he thinks it's a pressure tactic to get him back?

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lovebutalone June 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm

I am pregnant and it's to a man whom i have loved for some time. We dated a few years back and have on-off stints of passionate nights sometimes sharing days at a time in each others company. We were together last month and he made sure to tell me it was purely sex which i am fine with as i know it could not go further.

My thoughts and questions are:
I have vowed after i had my first child and in which i broke up with her father after 4 years, was that i would never have another baby unless i was married or together with the man so to offer a child and my 7 year old now the best upbringing possible. Now i know a woman can do it by herself but lets not kid ourselves girls, it is emotionally, physically and financially extremely intensely difficult and given the option, we shouldn't not/have to do it ourselves.
I do not wish to have an abortion as i am now in my 30's and i have a back condition that WILL worsen over time so really, i shouldn't give up the opportunity to bring another love into this world. BUT i really don't want to do it alone and i am fairly sure that this man does not love me as i do him so what do i do? How do i tell him? Gosh would there be any chance that he will feel the same about raising a child in a more family orientation i.e parents together? He is going away for awhile and i really don't want to tell him before he goes as i want him to go away and do what he needs to do but then what if he stays away longer than expected? I am really quite stuck and scared that he will hate me. I am scared that my feelings of fear will lead me to get an abortion purely because of the fact that he may hate me and i want him in my life as my friend if anything. I know that is selfish of me when thinking of an unborn child, but i don't want this child to feel unwanted when older. I know he would make a brilliant father and we could definitely make it happen together but from what he said last month about it only being sex, i don't think he would want to make it work together.
Him telling me it's only sex has totally crushed my confidence and i feel half myself and not worthy even as a mother strangely.

So so stuck!! How would i tell him without him thinking negative of me and the baby?

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love but alone June 12, 2009 at 5:24 pm

also, i don't think it would be right to tell him while he is away. This is serious and would need to be shared face to face. Only other thing is i don't want him to think it's a stint it seems men can be so hooked up on themselves that he may immediately think i am pressuring him? Should i send him a letter from the doctor? Or would this be rude or too informal? We are very good friends too so i want him to feel a part, not on the outside even though he may treat or be like that toward myself.

Thank you 🙂

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guessguest June 18, 2009 at 11:11 am

I found out that I was pregnant after I dumped a violent and controlling boyfriend. I was terrified of him, and of what he might do to me or my baby. I haven't told him and she's nearly a year old. I didn't know then that he was a criminal, was in the country with false immigration status but I did know that he was violent and volitile. I found out later that he was stealing a lot of money from a lot of people and landed himself in jail. So, even when I was tempted to tell him it turned out that he was even worse than I knew. I consulted a couple of lawyers and was told that not telling him wouldn't hurt me legally if he somehow found out later. He could some day request a paternity test, but would require a court order.

I don't regret my decision even though I know that she will likely have questions about her father and why I never informed him. I know that there will be a day that she resents me. But, she is smart and I know that she'll one day understand that it was the safest thing for me to do. This wasn't a case of he's a bad guy, and he'll turn his life around when he finds out. It wasn't just a case of me not wanting him in my life. I couldn't, with a good conscience, put my pregnant self or my baby in harm's way.

I think in most cases, the father should know – but,I have a hard time saying it's his right when it would bring a child into a dangerous situation.

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G July 27, 2009 at 2:21 am

I’ve been dying to get an opinion on this for quite some time… I know this is an old forum, but I still see recent posts… So here goes…

I have been with a man for 13 years, although never legally married, and we have three children together, ages 9, 5 and 1.5… The “trick” is that the baby is not really his. And he has known that since the stick turned pink.

We have always had an open relationship, so it wasn’t an instance of me even being unfaithful.

Obviously we decided together to not tell the “real” father about this child and to just raise him as if everything was hunky dory. My partner was even adopted himself, so he doesn’t have any issues of relating to the child even though they are not of the same blood.

Well, anyway, time has passed… But I still feel an enormous amount of guilt that I just can’t shoulder on many days. The internet has recently reconnected my “friend” and I, but my partner and I do rationally agree that telling him at this point would still cause more harm than good.

I can’t shake it, though. He is a decent, single man; a teacher who loves kids and would love to have children of his own. We stopped seeing each other, though, because he grew uncomfortable with me, as he tended to view me as being married.

If we tell him now, it would destroy the family we have together now. It would hurt my partner’s feelings, I know, but it would also be very awkward for our older children to deal with this.

But the more I see my “friend” giving up hope of never having kids of his own, when indeed he has fathered a happy, healthy, beautiful child… I grow more and more conflicted.

I hope I’ve covered all the bases with the background story… Does anyone, by any chance, have any suggestions? Keep our loving family together as it is, or tell him, and shoulder the consequences? Which would range from dealing with visitation, legal changes, separating our family as it is now, burdening him with expenses, keeping him from finding his own brand of happiness in life with any future possibilities of a “real” family of his own… And many, many more… Most of which we think about, but probably even more that we haven’t yet considered.

Thanks,
G

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Excited and Sad August 16, 2009 at 8:57 pm

dear mssinglemamma,
very useful info here! thank you.
i’m pregnant right now… just found out today. i’m happy. but scared bc i just found out last week that the father of my baby is getting married to someone else… who is about 5 months pregnant! i had no idea this woman was in the picture. he kept all this from me… i wouldn’t have seen him had i known that. i’m afraid to tell him about my baby…seems he has already chosen his path… so confused. help! any advice?
S

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anonymousme September 25, 2009 at 9:52 pm

I’m in a difficult situation.. I have a beautiful 3 year old son with my boyfriend of 5 years, 2 years of which have been on again, off again. we have both been with other people..well only one other person.. during the “off” periods of the relationship. Earlier this year was one of those times, and I was with my ex once. That one time resulted in a pregnancy and now I’m 16 weeks along and have told nobody. I had no clue I was pregnant because my periods are erratic and sometimes do not come for 2 months. I found out after my boyfriend and I had been back together for quite a while, and I know there is no chance this baby is his because of how far along I am. I don’t know how to tell him, it would just kill him. We have been through so much together, and have finally managed to work things out. I thought about getting an abortion, but just couldn’;t bring myself to seriously consider it because it’s not the baby’s fault, it’s mine. I’m going to have to tell him soon, and everyone else, because it’s not something that is easy to hide as you all know. I just don’t know what to do at all. I work full time..my boyfriend is a stay at home dad and I’m the only one to pay rent on our apartment.. and I go to college part time and am 1 semester away from graduating. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but I really screwed things up this time :'(
As for the this baby’s father, he is absolutely non-existent in my life right now. His phone has shut off and even though I know where he lives I am not intending (at least not any time soon) on telling him about this baby. He has expressed to me in the past how he never wants kids, and I 100% agree that it would be most ideal for him not to have any. He is into illegal activities.. not drugs but other kinds, I won’t elaborate..and that is why we stopped talking in the first place. I do believe that he has a right to know someday, and someday I will tell him, if I can find him. Is it wrong to want to wait to tell him? To wait until he cleans up his act? Or to never tell him? I am going to tell my boyfriend first, and I know he will probably leave me.. I’ve been dreading tell him because I don’t want to hurt him, he is a wonderful man and I can’t bear the thought of losing him though I’m trying to stay realistic here and I know he will most likely hate me for this. Most of all I want to do what is best for my son, and right now I do not know what that is.

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paulo September 27, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Hey,

I need help. I found out two weeks ago that i am 5 months pregnant. Turns out its from a one night stand i had ages ago. the problem however is that i told the wrong guy he was the dad. I have only slept with 2 people this year and i told the wrong guy. I was in shock, surprised and i got the dates wrong. I’ve told the guy that i was wrong and he was fine, we are friends and he realises that i am not some sort of man trap and i made a genuine error. I’m now faced with two problems, 1. i have to tell the dad that he is going to be a father and 2. i need to tell my parents that i got the guy wrong!! I have no idea how to do either of these things. I already have a 9 year old and her dad hasn’t been in touch since i told him i was 3 months pregnant, and the thought of telling this guy is giving me sleepless nights. He is a nice enough guy but i just dont know if i want him in my life for the next 18 plus years so i’m stuck with this one. Next, is how do i tell my parents? They think that its guy number 1 and where heartbroken when i told them i was pregnant again, i can’t face telling them i got it wrong. I know that they are going to think i am some kind of slapper for sleeping with 2 guys and i can’t face either the disappointment or the argument. I should also mention that as soon as i found out i was pregnant i went for a termination only to discover that i was 20 weeks gone. I couldn’t consider a termination at this late stage and i’m really struggling with the idea of a baby again. Please help me because i have no idea how to deal with this situation at all. I’m constantly unhappy and i cry alot, but i still have to be strong and excited for the sake of my daughter.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

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Johanna May 18, 2010 at 7:11 am

by searching the net I landed in your blog, I have the same situation. Last October I broke up with my ex-boyfriend not knowing that he got me pregnant, I was 5 months pregnant when I knew it. he doesnot know it, im hesitant to tell him, because thinking that it was me who broke up. Peers been telling me that I should tell the father,because he has the right to know and im confuse and afraid of rejection for my baby.

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Valorie September 6, 2010 at 11:32 pm

This story has me wishing I had made better choices! I met a guy after just leaving out of an abusive relationship, I thought he was the answer to all my prayers until the day I told him I was PREGNANT, that person turned into someone I didn’t know. He stated that he didn’t want a child and that I should get an abortion. I cried and cried because I was confused and didn’t know what to do cause I already have a small child from the abusive relationship. Time went by and I told him that I decided to have the baby he said he would support me. My first dr visit, he took me there but didn’t want to see the ultrasound pic of the baby. I was really hurt so I stopped communicating with him. Now I continue dr. visits and still no calls from him. I called the day before I had our little girl, during this time we haven’t talked in about 4months, he didn’t want to see his child being born, no calls to the hospital, I made it through though because I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter 6lbs 1oz. Couple of days later, he decided to call and asked could he come to my house to see the baby. He came and told me that he wants to get a DNA TEST. THE RESULTS were U R DA FATHER! as if he didn’t know! After all of that, he found time to call and flirt with me and of course I was turned completely off during this time he later stated that he has a fiancee, I didn’t know anything about her. Now one month later, he came down to my house to shock me and tell me he HAD JUST MARRIED TWO DAYS AGO, it took me by surprise, but I handled it well , cause he’s a loser and I can do better than him! Just take of care of my baby and just pay your child support!

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abby October 6, 2010 at 12:00 pm

he will ALWAYS try to sleep with u. She knows it & will never admit to it. The sad part is, “IF” she was a real woman, YOUR child with him would have child support & the little extras that parents ACTUALLY do. Behind EVERY good man is a good woman. I say that from experience. If SHE KNOWS that he treats his OWN child as that wtF is he going to do to her & what she pushes out for him? kEEP ur head up. Time reveals ALL THINGS…………….huggs

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Mateen November 5, 2011 at 1:02 pm

It’s great to read something that’s both enjoyable and provides pagrmtaisdc solutions.

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abby October 6, 2010 at 11:55 am

i’m in a situation as that as we speak. i’m don’t think i’m going to tell him. i’m not trying to go threw the whole court visitation situation. i’m a nurse i don’t need his money. i just completely stopped all forms of communication with him- we just had made up from his child’s mom calling me running threw his cell. now that i’ve found out i’m expecting-i’ve just cut off all ties of communication with him. He’s come by, text, email, phoned, he’s done the whole nine. He has his life he has a daughter. I’m not looking forward to the babbie momma drama, the summers over @ dad’s the other with mom. I just recently divorced{13yr marriage} & started back dating-we’ve known one another for 19yrs. I don’t want that stress on him & I don’t want the hurt for the babbie. I’m leave tomorrow for home from the bahammas. I know he’s going to come over. Wrong or right someone will have something to say. Everyone has their reasons & no one knows ur TRUE situation but YOU yourself. Good luck & congrats to all.

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single parent why me ! January 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm

I am pregnant with my first child and im very young still in high school and the father is the type of guy who will deny the child as soon as yu say “im pregnant !” i dont know how to tell him he has a child due in september ! what should i do ???? !

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kat June 11, 2011 at 5:15 am

Ok will I get in trouble if I don’t tell the father because he has threatened my father’s life after I paid for our divorce after telling me he wasn’t going to because his girlfriend whom he cheated on me with ans him,are trying to. Start new lives without me in it and I don’t even know for sure if it is his do I have to tell that horrible person I am pregnant I want absolutely nothing to do with him he belongs in jail for what he has done to my father

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pollywogg June 28, 2011 at 8:00 am

Kat… Based on what you say here and after my nightmare experience with my childrens father, I will advise you to NOT tell that man. If you feel like the father of your child belongs in jail, that is a clear sign that withholding the info is a GOOD idea. I am praying right now that you did not tell him, assuming that you know in your heart that what he did was wrong and DANGEROUS. I have a friend who had children with her husband who offered no help for many years and I always told her to be thankful for that, because of the 2 possible undesirable directions, hers was way better than the fear based controlling, stressful, extremely expensive custody battle I found myself in for many years during my childrens formative years… it’s just plain not good for the children and dangerous men are more likely to hassle you and threaten kidnapping. My son’s father threatened to take my child out of the country on many occasions and it is terrifying to think that someone would take your baby from you and you may never see him again and the law backs up fathers in court more than people realize, even in cases of abuse. I’ve done a lot of research. Courts are actually more often on the fathers side and they see children as property to be divided equally. Sometimes it’s fine and I understand why they do it, but abuse is HARD to prove. BTW… the girlfriend I mentioned earlier, ended up having a baby with a 2nd man about 1 1/2 years ago and it’s turned into a nightmare for her now… she definitely agrees with me now, that the child support (her legal expenses pretty much cancel it out) is not worth the nightmare and over this last weekend, he took the baby without her permission, he literally went in for a visitation at her home and RAN out the door. We’ve been worried all weekend that he would not return the baby, but luckily he did… she was just starting to wean her off of breastfeeding, but she was not quite done with that yet. It’s just sick and wrong to take a child that is breastfeeding for 5 days… oh, and the courts barely admonished him. IN MY OPINION IT IS SOLELY UP TO THE WOMAN IF SHE WANTS TO TELL OR NOT AND IF A MAN HAS SEX WITH A WOMAN HE DOESNT KNOW THATS THE RISK HE TAKES, AS SHE RISKS HAVING TO GO THROUGH THE LIFE CHANGING PROCESS OF MOTHERHOOD.

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Dharma July 30, 2011 at 2:16 pm

im pregnant with a man from another country with a girlfriend. It was a fling and I never expected to get pregnant because i thought i was infertile. All I have is his facebook and his address at his workplace. He told me before he left that if i got pregnant to “take a pill” and i told him that if anything happened, i wouldn’t tell him and he said “f*ck u.” So now I don’t know whether to tell him, i mean hes from another country and has a girlfriend he loves. I don’t know what to do.

On top of that he loves kids, hes a social worker that cares for disabled kids.

Should I just send him a note and an ultrasound to his workplace in an envelope that says “open in private” or should i tell him on facebook? He hasn’t written me for a while now . . .

Dharma

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Maddy's Mom September 16, 2011 at 8:25 am

When I first found out I was pregnant almost 2 years ago, I was given the advice of not telling my baby’s father I was expecting because we were broke up and there would have been good reason not to tell him. I thought about it and decided that no matter how I felt, he had a right to know about his child. I also thought about my daughter and decided it would be her choice if she wanted to have a relationship with her dad, not mine.

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Courtney Kidd September 16, 2011 at 5:51 pm

I agree with telling the father although I completely understand her hesitation. I was in a similar situation, in which I was living with the father of my child, not because I was in love but because his living situation fell through and needed a place. We were dating but I wouldn’t say as serious as he thought. I ended up pregnant though and I did tell him. He became very abusive, physically and mentally and it was a constant battle with him. Needless to say, I moved out and we broke up. He seemed to change, I had to move in with my folks and he moved to the same town because he wanted to be near the baby and in her life. He seemed to be great some weeks and was really looking forward to being a dad. Although within eight days of being a dad, he left and we haven’t seen him since. He would text every few weeks or call for the first month and a half and I haven’t heard from him since. Not that I mind but now my daughter doesn’t have the chose of having her father in her life. I understand the hesitation of not wanting to tell the father, but I do believe people change and in my case it didn’t happen but who’s to say it wont happen for her. Some days I wish I hadn’t told my daughters dad but then again, I wouldn’t want the retaliation if he were to find out. Now though, I wont go to court to get child support because I will not open that door for him to try and be in my daughters life after a year of nothing. I do feel like some men are the scum of the earth (aka, my daughters father) but then there are men like my dad who couldn’t be better fathers. So the decision is her’s but he does have the right to know, and he then gets to make the decision to be in the child’s life or not.

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Angelica September 24, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Hey, I really need some advice. I am currently 6 months pregnant and decided not to involve the father in our lives. We only dated for a month until I broke up with him because he does not have a job, car, any education, and drinks and smokes weed daily. Winner right? I didn’t find out that I was pregnant until after I ended our relationship. I had to change my number because he is not mentally stable and he constantly called and messaged me and then starting claiming he would post nude pictures of me online if I didn’t return to him. Even with all of this happening, I knew I had to keep my baby. So now it’s 6 months into my pregnancy and a random girl just messaged me on facebook saying that she knows *name of father goes here* and that he heard I am pregnant and is concerned that the child is his. I have all of the support in the world with my parents and family and have gotten over the fact that I will be a single mom. But now I am worried that if I tell him that he is not the father, later on when my child is born he can get a DNA test ordered for my child, take me to court and sue me for lying to him. And because I am in the wrong, the court bills would possibly be all for me to pay. I just want to know if I am legally obligated to tell him. Any advice out there?

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Heather July 13, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Just curious how this all turned out??? I am in the exact same situation but I’m only 5 weeks. I can’t decide if I want to tell him or not…. The drug use is out of control and he’s completely unstable.

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Nikki November 10, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I told the father as we were living together. It wasn’t such a great relationship and we were supposed to go to couples counseling. Anyway, 2 days after we took the test which stated pregnant, he kicked me out. Then he proceeded to tell me that the test said negative. I have been to my Dr who confirmed with a urine and blood test that I was pregnant. He said it wasn’t his and he wants a DNA test (Mind you we lived together and it was a very controlling relationship and i was timed each time i left work. My last contact with him was to send him a picture of the ultrasound after many people asked if I would send him that and they thought i should, I was 8 weeks pregnant and you could see the baby. He said stop this lie and started saying how he has me on camera eating cheese fries (not sure what that has to do with me informing him of the child we created). So that’s the last contact i’ve had with him. The rest will be up to the courts.

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MAK January 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

My situation is hard too! I have been with my bf for almost a year. I am a 28yr old divorced mom of 1. He is a 2x divorced 34yr old man with 2 children. We do live together with my son. My bf works a lot, mostly midnights. He drinks a ton and blames it on work stress. Strange woman txt his cell and he says its just women from work (he’s a supervisor) and they have his number from work stuff. We have been having a lot of problems the last few months as I caught him telling his ex wife thru txts that he loves her and even more… Then he never wants to take me out, hasn’t ever bought me flowers or even a birthday card. For Xmas I got a massage gift certificate, that’s all!!! We had a miscarriage earlier last year, he didn’t seem all that upset, he did help me with my son and household things but not emotionally. We had a huge fight 2wks b4 Xmas and then another one on new years eve. I wanted to talk it out and he just kept ignoring me or running from me. He left once and didn’t come home. I tracked him down out at his families cabin. I caught him snorting cocaine!!!! I never thought in a million yrs he wld use drugs. I fought with him for hours to get the rest away from him. But I now have this mental picture every time I look at him of him snorting it and his face covered in it, cause it was. I cannot deal with drugs. I never have. So I planned to leave him this week, but yesterday I found out I was pregnant. I’m thinking of still leaving but not telling him about the baby. I know he won’t take care of us the way we deserve and I can’t handle thinking he uses. Opinions???

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linda July 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

People I need help. M 20yrs nd pregnant the father of this baby is on drugs but in a prossess of leaving them. He is so abusive and now I dnt know whether to leave him raise the child alone or tell him. What should I do?

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Heather July 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I cant decide if I want to tell the father or not. We were only dating for 2 months before I realized he’s a serious drug user. I broke it off with him not knowing I was 2 weeks pregnant and he did not take it well at all. He’s crazy unperdicatable behavior makes me scared to tell him because once I do there’s no turning back. Drug use a nonnegotiable, but does he still have the right to know?? Will it force him to get sober or will my baby have a drug addict for a father??

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Ty August 11, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Hey all, young newly known mother to be here…
I am young, still in college and recently out of a very serious relationship. I met a guy at my seasonal summer job( which requires us to live on location)right after my relationship ended. We both claimed to just be interested in casual sex but he started seeming more interested and a few weeks into it i found out i was pregnant. I was so shocked that i left ut of the blue one night when we were laying in bed together. He hasnt talked to me since and has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I havent told him im pregnant because i dont want him to feel obligated to be with me because of it, let alone talk to me. I feel that i should tell him, but i dont know if i can. I havent made up my mind on what i want to do with it. Im crazy about him and devastated by the situation, but i know he should be made aware… i just dont know how

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Russ P February 15, 2013 at 12:35 am

Of course tell him.

The law is disgustingly one-sided when it comes to the rights of parents over their children. In many countries, the women isn’t legally compelled to tell someone that they’re the father of a child. A wife can legally abort a child over her husband’s objections, leaving the husband emotionally damaged.

We’ve probably all had bad experiences with the opposite sex, but don’t let that blind you to the need for equality. Legally, women have more rights than men in Western countries.

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sash March 17, 2013 at 1:36 am

I am 37 years old and 11 weeks pregnant, and have known for 7 weeks. I had a one night stand with a 22 year old stranger I met at a bar one night, and have had no further contact with him. We did not exchange phone numbers or any other information. Yes, I know the risks of unprotected sex, and being drunk is no excuse, but I did not seek out to get “knocked up”. I am unsure of what to do. I have had several miscarriages and a termination in the past, and had trouble with the first 9 weeks of this pregnancy, so I look at this like its a gift, and I am happy. I don’t know if I should track the father down or not?? He is so young and from a different culture. Apart from us having sex, I know nothing about him. As far as I see it, I do not think I owe the father anything more than he owes me – Nothing. He also knows the risks of unprotected sex, yes?. If I only think of myself, I would chose to not tell him..But I know I must look at it through the eyes of my unborn child, and I want to do what’s best for him or her. Advise please..:)

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justme March 20, 2014 at 4:25 pm

Sash please tell me how it turned out. I’m 41 and he is 27. We only got together twice. He was a great “cougar” experience but seriously not daddy material. Did you tell him?

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Melisa March 23, 2014 at 1:52 am

I’m a single mom of two my daughter came first and I told her father that I was pregnant it took him five years before he showed up in the picture and another two before things became easy. Seven years later became pregnant with my son by a different man I never told him I was pregnant and now my son is one and I can’t get rid of the guilt in my heart. I know this man is different from my daughter father but I just don’t know how to tell him because of the fear that I could be wrong and my son could be hurt in the same way as my daughter was. What should I do

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Mike May 27, 2014 at 2:51 pm

The part of this that really irks me is the statement,”In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for the feelings of anyone.”

In summation, this is an extremely sexist statement, and is very false. Let’s look at the situation: this girl talks about the ‘selfishness’ of men while trying to selfishly justify keeping a child from it’s father. Sure, it’s painted as a shade of gray here, but at the core she is desperately trying to retain control the situation.

As for my opinion on the topic, it is probably pretty easy to guess. A woman should almost always tell the father of their child of his/her existence as soon as possible. I say ‘almost’ because there are rarely universal constants. For example, if a guy were to say “if you get pregnant I’m just going to kill the baby” or something, I would advocate an exception be made.

A pregnant woman’s responsibility is to inform the father. The father’s responsibility is to provide and care for that child as a father should, regardless of his relationship with the mother. While I understand that there are MANY instances that this is not the case and men do not fulfill their responsibilities, that does not negate the mother’s. She needs to do what’s right; at that point, the failure of the father to fulfill that responsibility lies with him and him alone.

Yes, this is a bad situation to be in, it is not easy. Remember, though, that if the child was conceived out of consensual sex, you (the mother) took the risk of pregnancy then and chose the man to take that risk with. “He wouldn’t be a good father” is not an excuse, you chose him. I would say the same to any guy that was on the other end of the equation (though my words would probably be a little more forceful for him).

Whatever the result of this woman’s internal struggle, the real goal is to see a healthy, happy, productive, and successful child. I wish the best for him/her.

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Sally November 10, 2014 at 11:29 pm

I am 14 weeks pregnant with my ex’s child, and I’ve chosen not to tell him. He has a lot of anger issues, among other things, and I don’t think he would be a healthy influence for my child. I’m not being selfish or controlling-I’m just considering my baby’s welfare. Sometimes no father is better than an unstable one. Since we broke up I have not heard from him at all, so I’ve assumed he has no interest in me or getting back together, which is fine with me. I’ve since started seeing someone else who is 100% invested in our relationship and is ready to step up and take care of the baby with me. My problem is I don’t want to tell anyone who the father actually is, outside of my parents. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business since the father is not in my life anymore, but I know some people have no problems asking personal questions. Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and how did you handle it? Is there a nice, non-offensive way to say I don’t want to tell who the father is? I feel like I’m headed for some potentially awkward situations, unless I come up with a few good responses to all the inevitable questions when everyone finds out I am pregnant. Any suggestions or advice would be so welcome-thank you.

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