Some more tips in addition to my first post: Single Mom Dating Tips
Dating a single mom can scare the crap out of men.
As Jeff Mac (Manslations.com) put it when writing about dating a single mom, “just typing about it, here, alone in my apartment, I just peed a little.”
Okay so men may be scared when faced with the prospect of dating a single mom. This is the worst and best part about being a dating single mama.
Bad because it is a pain in the ass.
Good because it scares off the jerks.
No worries. Once you break down that firewall and show them that you’re just like every other woman – they won’t be as scared. However…
You can and very likely will get burned. So be prepared.
Just like any other single dating woman, there’s a good chance you’ll get burned. But because you have a child the pain is more palpable and often accompanied by temporary feelings of guilt, stupidity and hopelessness. The good news is – you will get over it – I promise. Why? Because you’ve got a kid and very little time to wallow. There are ways to keep the burn to a minimum. Which leads me to…
Love is blind.
When a man falls in love with a single mom the initial love butterflies, overwhelming lust and passion cloud the reality of the situation – that you have a child. So…the burning question – will he survive your reality? Unfortunately we have to wait and find out. All we can do is use our best judgement by listening to our gut. And we have to give ourselves and our men a fair shot at surviving that inevitable reality check. How? We have to stay in control.
- At the beginning. resist the temptation to see him too often … keep your dates to a minimum.
- This will also help you keep your emotions in check. Seeing him infrequently will give you plenty of space to see the situation clearly and determine whether or not this is a true connection or just a sexual connection. Love or lust? Hmmm…tricky, tricky.
- When things do get more serious and you decide to introduce him to the kids, once again keep the visits to a minimum.
- Want some motivation to maintain self-control? Your pain is your child’s pain. We will never be able to fully protect them but we can do our best to prevent it.
Don’t Call Him Too Much.
I’m the worst at this. The worst. I always, always call men too often. I went out on a blind date last summer. I thought he really liked me we’d talked all night and even kissed each other good night (quite a passionate bit of kissing actually). He called me the next day but I missed the call. I returned his call and got voicemail. Days went by and he still hadn’t called me back. So I called him again…and again…and again. This is when I realized I had totally lost my “game.” I’m embarrassed even writing about it.
He eventually e-mailed me to tell me he had a personal relationship with God. That I had tempted him and that God didn’t like that very much. Too bad because he was hot as hell. The moral of the story is – let it go. He may be too busy talking on the phone to God … or his mother … or his ex-girlfriend. Either way – try not to waste your time worrying about it and delete his number from your phone immediately.
Becoming a single mom is a shock and so is dating. You get used to both.
During my first year as a single mom I was obsessed with finding someone. I would moan and groan (in my head and out loud) about the long days and the never ending loneliness. Maybe it just took time…but now – I’m used to it. It’s like a miracle. I’m free from that mental prison. Maybe it’s just because it’s been so long now – but I think this is true for any human being adapting to a new lifestyle or culture – eventually you assimilate or “get used to it.” I have also gotten used to dating…working men into my delicate life balance. I have learned how to manage dating just like I do my job, my finances or my household. Very nice.
Do you have any dating tips? Does any of this ring true? Do you have any dating stories to share?
Photo credit: Notorious, Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant (my favorites!)
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I learned recently that a man only THINKS he likes a single mom..until he meets a toddler. I went out with a guy that was great. We both had a wonderful time. The days that followed when we spoke, he talked about how great of a time. He asked me the question of “So are we dating now?”…and how this wonderous occassion turned when he finally met my little tot. In a 24 hour period after he meeting her…suddenly I wasnt “the one”. Ummm..I think he realized and remembered what it was like to have a 2 year old around. I guess that is when I learned to keep my feelings in check until we get to the point that he meets my daughter.
Yep…unfortunately it’s a necessity. And soooo hard to do. But I think we can all hone this skill by keeping a cool head. You know?
Guess I wasn’t connecting with your article this time. I’m wondering if the single men you’re referencing are generally single men who have never had children? That would make more sense to me.
I guess I’ve been dating single/divorced men who already have kids of all ages. I have a toddler and not 1 guy has blinked an eye…they’ve been there & done that so no freak-outs to deal with. I will also say that I’ve never introduced my daughter to a date/special friend yet…so if the shellshock were to occur after meeting my kid…I haven’t taken it that far yet.
Nice point Gayle – I should put that clause on my web site – that I’ve only dated one single dad and it was very brief. I’m also 28 … divorced men and single dads are scarce in my age range.
And these are just my rules…guess I feel obligated to share what I’ve learned. So you could save them if a single, childess guy ever catches your eye. : )
ms single mama, i relate to that last comment, i am 24 and in the same boat: not many guys have already been divorced at this age.
i have zero dating tips (HA! just the thought…) i just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. i call too much too. groan.
Hi Andrea! Yeah…it’s like this thing I can’t control. I just dial and then two minutes later when they don’t answer or send me to voicemail I’m like – WHY? WHY in the hell did I just do that? Yep…sucks. That’s why I recommend deleting the # during strong moments. I did that once. Then two weeks later he texted me “do you want to talk and try again.”
I had deleted his number but I recognized the area code so I texted back: “Who is this?” Hilarious. By then I was already over him.
I do that too! Delete…..and sometimes you may be suprised:)
I’ve been dating a guy for three weeks, and he’s already talking about marriage! I was very upfront in the beginning by explaining to him that I will not talk to him everyday, nor, was I gonna rush into anything. He constantly calls and text me. This morning he sent me a text at 5:35a!!! ARGGGH.
He’s gonna get tha boot!
Hi, I am a 27 year old single mother, and have met this lovely hot guy 6 months older then me. We met at a sporting event and have been texting and e-mailing ever since. Now I don't know how to tell him I have a 4 year old. I am pretty sure he will freak out.! Im very nervous as he is so nice. Is there any gentle way?
I think that the best way is to tell him that you have a very personal and special thing to share with him but you wanted to wait until the moment was right. Hopefully he is open and understanding, and then you can proceed to tell him about your young one and how it was important for you to "test the waters" before you let him in on a more personal aspect of your life. Check it out and see what happens…if he freaks that is his loss and he doesn't deserve to know you or your 4yr old. I wish you all the best.
My personal advise to anyone meeting someone new, is to tell them upfront, that way they know what they are getting in to right away.
I am a a single mom, and being one has made me think of my own mom who was a single mom. One thing she did whe she dated was not include my sister and I in her relationships. She dated one man for 12 years and looking back we never coonected as one unit – family. He lived with us, but I can not remember having a conversation about him coming to live with us, nor a conversation about him moving out. I guess what I am trying to say is that for me, i want to date and acutually marry, but my relationship with my mate will have to naturally include my son….
I have been dating a man since my daughter was six months old, she will be starting JK in 3 weeks. BF loves us both very much, we spend alot of time with his extended family, he is a very ambitious hard working man that comes from a solid christian home. However, after 4 years in this relationship he still shies away from talk of marriage, children or a mortgage. he has adapted and grown ALOT in the past 4 years to fit into our lives but I still feel like there’s something lacking.
Do I give him an ultimatum? wait it out? bail?
I have been a single mom for 6yrs now, and during those 6yrs i had a 1 yr relationship, that ended very badly. I have been very cautious in letting anyone come close to me. But recently met a man who has full custody of his 9yrs old daughter. Things are going great..we speak everyday and text in the morning..he understand my situation, we only see each other once a week…and i already feel connected to him but a part of me is scared and is worry about where this is going..It so hard doing it on my own especially now that i just turned 34 and want someone to be there for me…my daughter on the other hand doesn’t want to hear the word that mom has a boyfriend..she said we are fine just the two of us…my daughter has never had a father figure and this man he is so great with his daughter..my advice is don’t lock yourself away from the world..be honest..live..choose carefully and be ready to let go..if it doesn’t work out..
I have been a single mom for a year and a half. I started to online date about 6 months ago. I realize alot of guys say they dont care about you having kids till it comes down to the relality of it. Then on top of the getting burned so many times im very weary of men, but about 2 and a half months ago i started to talk to this guy. We talk for 2 months then meet for the first time 2 weeks ago, we have really hit it off, im scared to trust again, and im afraid to get serious, he seems extremely excited about meet my kids sometime. any advice?
To Melissa……… Just have to say…with dating any man esp. in the beginning, be very careful and watchful regarding him wanting to meet your kids to soon. There are a lot of freaks out there and like to prey on a single mom’s loneliness and vulnerability . Above all, TRUST your gut instincts!
I dated a man for a few months, he came to pick me up for a date (asked to use the washroom) and after a time when he didn’t come back from the washroom, I tipped toed up the stairs only to find him in my daughter’s bedroom going through her panty drawer!! A few weeks later I received a phone call from the police, he had been arrested for possession of child pornography, photos and on his personal computer and they had gotten my name from his email list.
So just be very watchful, observant and trust how you’re feeling!
Val makes a good point. I’m 24 and the single mom to two girls. So my biggest problem with dating is trusting the men. I’m borderline paranoid when it comes to my kids.
Oh, and I definitely call too much. Its like a drug talking to another adult about adult things.
Hi Yall. I have been a single mom since my daughter was born it feels like i was married but he was to high and drunk to care. We been separated for 1 yr and 3 mo. He wont sign the papers. anyways. At the time i met my now bf i was working at a bar. Him and his roomate where regulars i loved serving them cause they werent creepy and tipped well and listen to my problems. So by the time my bf asked me out he knew i was techanly married altho my husband live 2,000 miles away he knew i was a single mom. And still asked me out. We took things slow told him up front he would not meet my daughter for at least 3 mo and she is first in my life then work.
He got up at 6 to go to work and i was getting off at 3 he would stay up just to talk to me. After 2 mo he asked if i would wanted a dayjob the company he works for is hiring! i said sure I am a field clerk now he a project engineer. At 3 months i said i am ready for you to meet Haylee she was 15 months old he was great w her they still on interacted once or twice a month for the next 4 months.
o and ps i was living w my inlaws for the 1st 4 mo.
He started regaulary coming over twice a week hung out w me saw how i was w haylee helped out when he could. its been 10 mo now and last night she woke up cause of a loud noise he went and got her and rubber her back till she feel asleep.
This Man has put up w so much from cancelled dates cause Haylee was sick or no sitter to me taking her to see her dad and trusting me to stay there. He has been amazing. I feel so lucky. Altho he not ready for marriage yet he 27 he knows i want to have another kid and be married at 25. I dont want kids after 25 and i told him you know what i want you dont think you can give it to then let me know now. I also have trust issue from my past marriage he cheated on me all the time w my friends. So i looked thro my bf cell last week found somethink that i didnt think was respectful not him but a girl from his home town was calling him babe and saying i miss you so on… i told he i looked tho ur text i saw this i dont like this its is not respecting our relationship nor me and i will not put up w it. He said i am sorry i didnt know you would take offence to that i am not cheating on you i am so sorry i hurt you. And hugged me a long w the fact he never got mad for me invading his privacy. That to be show maturity. We get along great never yell at eachother always have fun. And some guys dont say there feeling they do lil things just like being there when u need someone to fix ur heater or ucar dies and u need someone to pick up you daughter.
I say all of this to say there are great guys out there who will love you for you and your kid. And just like my bf when he decibes me one of the 1st things he says is she the best mom!