A few hours after writing my last post…I got a call from Kris. He felt horrible about the way the dump went down and wanted to see me. I said – no way. I didn’t see the point. What good could come of it? Was he going to come over and dump me again? He told me to call him if I changed my mind and then 20 minutes later he called me.
“I’m on my way over – I have to see you.” Two minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was late. I was tired. But we talked. First he started with an apology and then he said it, “you know I really love you, right?” I told him I didn’t think he really knew what love was. But then I saw it in his eyes. And he does. Then as we talked about why he had come to this decision everything came out. The truth about his feelings.
He had been having doubts since Thanksgiving on whether or not he was ready for this – ready to play a role in a child’s life. In his own words, “I don’t feel like I have the right to be doing this yet.” And the biggest reason of all – the pressure of having a relationship during a time in his life when he really should be focusing on school and work.
We hugged and kissed good-bye. Both of us sobbing into each other…the tears because we would miss each other’s friendships. This is why I always liked Kris – he was real, honest and actually very mature. More emotionally mature in fact, than many of the older men I’ve dated. And then he left.
In the end it was as it should be – a proper good bye with all of the best intentions. Neither one of us regrets being with each other…and as for little Benjamin I don’t think he’ll notice Kris’ absence. He had been coming over less and less and at the peak saw Benjamin two-three mornings a week. And the mornings were brief, less than an hour a piece because we were rushing off to daycare and work.
But because Benjamin is just one month shy of two now – Kris will be the last one of my boyfriends to get major face time with him before I know it’s really serious.
As for me…I feel absolutely fine. It’s a bit scary actually. Why don’t I feel anything? HaveI built my walls so high and so thick that I can resist all pain? I think it’s because I am not scared of being single. I’m more scared of being in a relationship, or god forbid – a marriage. I also know it had to end because we had no viable future together. So it really is bittersweet – but it doesn’t sting.
I doubt you’ll see me seriously dating anyone again anytime soon…but there will be some casual dates I’m sure. Like I’ve said since I met Kris – I enjoy being single – love it, actually. I was with him because it was effortless. No pain, no stress. We just fit. Even our break up was relatively painless. That’s just the way I like it – if it’s not easy and if they’re not adding to my life somehow – forget about it.
Tonight…Benjamin is at his father’s and I’m going out for a very exciting girls night!!!! Delcina, Abby and I – all single – and all looking…I’ll keep you posted.
(photo credit: http://www.kunsthandel-stock.net/)
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Again, I am proud of you. And for me, since Bio left Doodlebug and I, each and every break up since, has been so much easier.
It just doesn’t hurt as much….or something like that
That, or you just have so much else going on, like the terrible two’s that you no longer have the time to pine away, wistfully wishing of the love you just lost. Instead, your picking up match box cars, putting GeoTracks back together, and between loads of laundry coloring in that same coloring book…again.
Ah ha. I’m reading this post now, after asking about Benjamin… yes, this all makes sense. He’s not yet two, so this transition will surely be smooth for him.
Thanks for writing to so openly here.