A bittersweet good-bye.

by mssinglemama on February 4, 2008

darkflowers1.jpgA few hours after writing my last post…I got a call from Kris. He felt horrible about the way the dump went down and wanted to see me. I said – no way. I didn’t see the point. What good could come of it? Was he going to come over and dump me again? He told me to call him if I changed my mind and then 20 minutes later he called me.

“I’m on my way over – I have to see you.” Two minutes later there was a knock on my door. It was late. I was tired. But we talked. First he started with an apology and then he said it, “you know I really love you, right?” I told him I didn’t think he really knew what love was. But then I saw it in his eyes. And he does. Then as we talked about why he had come to this decision everything came out. The truth about his feelings.

He had been having doubts since Thanksgiving on whether or not he was ready for this – ready to play a role in a child’s life. In his own words, “I don’t feel like I have the right to be doing this yet.” And the biggest reason of all – the pressure of having a relationship during a time in his life when he really should be focusing on school and work.

We hugged and kissed good-bye. Both of us sobbing into each other…the tears because we would miss each other’s friendships. This is why I always liked Kris – he was real, honest and actually very mature. More emotionally mature in fact, than many of the older men I’ve dated. And then he left.

In the end it was as it should be – a proper good bye with all of the best intentions. Neither one of us regrets being with each other…and as for little Benjamin I don’t think he’ll notice Kris’ absence. He had been coming over less and less and at the peak saw Benjamin two-three mornings a week. And the mornings were brief, less than an hour a piece because we were rushing off to daycare and work.

But because Benjamin is just one month shy of two now – Kris will be the last one of my boyfriends to get major face time with him before I know it’s really serious.

As for me…I feel absolutely fine. It’s a bit scary actually. Why don’t I feel anything? HaveI built my walls so high and so thick that I can resist all pain? I think it’s because I am not scared of being single. I’m more scared of being in a relationship, or god forbid – a marriage. I also know it had to end because we had no viable future together. So it really is bittersweet – but it doesn’t sting.

I doubt you’ll see me seriously dating anyone again anytime soon…but there will be some casual dates I’m sure. Like I’ve said since I met Kris – I enjoy being single – love it, actually. I was with him because it was effortless. No pain, no stress. We just fit. Even our break up was relatively painless. That’s just the way I like it – if it’s not easy and if they’re not adding to my life somehow – forget about it.

Tonight…Benjamin is at his father’s and I’m going out for a very exciting girls night!!!! Delcina, Abby and I – all single – and all looking…I’ll keep you posted.

(photo credit: http://www.kunsthandel-stock.net/)

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

ana.biosis February 4, 2008 at 7:36 pm

Again, I am proud of you. And for me, since Bio left Doodlebug and I, each and every break up since, has been so much easier.

It just doesn’t hurt as much….or something like that 😉

That, or you just have so much else going on, like the terrible two’s that you no longer have the time to pine away, wistfully wishing of the love you just lost. Instead, your picking up match box cars, putting GeoTracks back together, and between loads of laundry coloring in that same coloring book…again.


singlemomseeking February 5, 2008 at 3:47 pm

Ah ha. I’m reading this post now, after asking about Benjamin… yes, this all makes sense. He’s not yet two, so this transition will surely be smooth for him.

Thanks for writing to so openly here.


motorhome November 19, 2013 at 3:05 am

Hello to all, how is all, I think every one is getting
more from this site, and your views are nice designed for new visitors.


bessacarr motorhomes for sale November 27, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Hey! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers?
My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing several weeks of hard work due to no data
backup. Do you have any methods to stop hackers?


bessacarr motorhomes for sale December 9, 2013 at 12:47 pm

There is certainly a great deal to know about this topic.

I really like all the points you have made.


Discount Ralph Lauren Clothing July 3, 2014 at 8:30 pm

boy fames what person every morning good examples


Leave a Comment