What women really want.

by mssinglemama on January 24, 2008

brokenheart.jpgMy best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.

Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.

“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”

Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?

My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.

But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.

Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.

So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.

(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)
brokenheart.jpgMy best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.

Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.

“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”

Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?

My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.

But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.

Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.

So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.

(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)
brokenheart.jpgMy best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.

Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.

“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”

Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?

My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.

But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.

Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.

So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.

(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)
texaspool.jpgThis is for the guys. Because so many of you are turning to my blog for insights into the female mind I’m going to give you the secrets. Ladies please add to my list by leaving a comment. The more the merrier.

This list is based on years and years of listening. I’ve been listening to both women and men. The topic of dating – what draws us to each other and what turns us off – has always fascinated me. (I know, I’m weird but my loss is your gain). So here goes…this one is for all women – child or not … see below for the single mom addendums.

What women really want.

  1. Empathy. Listen to her, understand her, feel her happiness and feel her pain. If this doesn’t come naturally to you – you’re not alone. Men are less emotional than women by nature. But try. Ask her follow up questions. If you don’t know what to say – hold her.
  2. Make her life better. Not by buying her things (although that doesn’t hurt) but by making her laugh, making her dinner, cleaning her kitchen, rubbing her back, kissing her every night. Add something to her life. Don’t just leave a dent in her couch.
  3. Companionship. Be her best friend. Be there for her come thick or thin.
  4. Trust her. Jealousy is one of the most unattractive traits a man can possess.
  5. Satisfy her in bed…consistently. Enjoy her, let her know you enjoy her. Making her happy should make you happy. I can’t tell you how many guys out there “finish” and then roll over and pass out. Bad news.
  6. Kisses. Lots and lots of kisses and hugs.
  7. Forgive her when she flies off the handle. Don’t take it personally. Women, once again, are emotional creatures. We have a tendency to get more upset then a man would about the same issue. Relax. Breath. Don’t make it worse. Accept the fact that we are scared sometimes, that we need to vent and sometimes it’s on you.
  8. Keep her on her toes. Entertain her. Turn off the TV – play a board game, take her out for a fancy date at least once a month.
  9. Be nice to her friends. Do your best to respect and enjoy her friends. Take a woman away from her friends and you’re doomed.
  10. Make a big deal out of all holidays, birthdays and anniversaries…not necessarily with presents but these are the days of the year that you must, must say something sweet.
  11. Flowers. Enough said.
  12. Love her. Really love her, don’t just say you do.

And what single moms want (in addition to above):

  1. Flexibility. Her plans may change at the last minute. She can’t go out at the spur of the moment.
  2. Dependability. Be there when you say you will and for god’s sake – don’t cancel.
  3. Make yourself an asset. What do you add to her and her child’s life?
  4. Come to terms with the fact that she technically doesn’t need you. Once again, make yourself an asset.
  5. She’s scared of getting hurt. Try to understand.
  6. Whatever you do – don’t stress her out. She’s got enough on her plate. Answer when she calls, call her back promptly.
  7. Offer to babysit! You’ll score some major points. This one only works after you’re already in with her and the kids.
  8. Read more single mom dating tips, here.

And for the women – I’ll have a reverse list up soon…because we need to remember what the guys need and want too!

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenny January 25, 2008 at 3:41 am

I think, for the most part, you’ve got it covered. The only thing I’d add: Single moms don’t play games. Men who can’t be real can’t be in our lives, and they certainly can’t be in our children’s lives. Try to jerk a savvy single mom around, guys, and you will always lose. What’s more, we will teach our children how to spot you on the street, publicly despise you, and condemn you to the lonely, sterile life you dread with every fibre of your being.

Don’t mess around with single moms. We are raising your replacements.

(What can I say, a little fear of the Goddess is a healthy thing…)

Reply

Kherwin February 4, 2015 at 7:14 am

Hi,I would like to write blog posts for you on relationships. I have been wrinitg many years and write on a wide variety of topics, with dating and relationships being one of my most popular types of articles. You can contact me at if you are interested, and I could send you samples.Thanks so much,Maria

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mssinglemama January 25, 2008 at 12:20 pm

Definitely Jenny – check out that link with more tips for men dating us…I elaborate into this a bit more. That’s what made “dating” so hard for me – the games. They’re just a pain in the ass.

The children spotting them on the street part was a joke, right? It’s early in the morning my sense of humor hasn’t kicked in yet. If so – very, very funny.

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Jenny January 25, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Yeah, it was a joke, but only in the best way. *wink*

Seriously, though, reading my last comment now kinda makes me sound like a freak, doesn’t it…..I was just trying to express the idea that when people mess around with single moms, there’s an equal and opposite reaction that results. The impact of that reaction lasts, literally, for years and not always in the prettiest way.

Still, I’ll try harder to keep my epic sentiments in check. No sense scaring people unnecessarily. 🙂

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Sam January 25, 2008 at 5:47 pm

I think we all need chocolate as well.

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randomesq January 27, 2008 at 6:40 pm

If I may be so presumptuous…

One thing that I think I have learned about what women want is that they don’t just want to know you love them – they want to know WHY you love THEM in particular.

I try not to just say, “I love you.” I try to be more specific and say something like, “I love you because you always sound happy to hear from me.”

That’s my two cents on the matter.

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Dima February 3, 2015 at 2:22 am

Im newly a newly divorced 36y/o man and on vitacaon I met the most amazing 27 y/o Cuban girl. Being with her for just two days was amazing. Instant mutual attraction. The problem, she’s busy with nurse practitioner school in St. Petersburg FL and I live near Detroit MI. Im so bummed. I want to see her again. But I’ve tried the long distance b4 and it doesn’t work. Im so bummed.

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mssinglemama January 27, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Good addition Random Esquire. I can’t believe I left that off because it’s one of those questions I always ask the men in my life – “why do you love me?” I want details. Ha. Tks again!

Jenny – you’re not a freak.

Sam – definitely chocolate…although for me, it would be white chocolate.

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euphonos February 13, 2008 at 4:00 am

Women want honesty – it can be hard to take at times but in the long run its far better. Scenario….guy meets women (single mom or not) and says, “Hi, you’re gorgeous!”….she’s flattered and says she thinks he’s a bit of alright too. They hang out and he says, “…well I bet you’re wondering what I’m thinking about…”….she says yes and he goes on…”I’m really just interested in a quick roll in the back of my car. It’ll be fun for me, probably too quick for you but that’s all about I’m up for. No commitment, no phone calls, I’ll probably forget your name before I’ve driven off!” 🙂

Could be the same if it was a women talking. Honesty can be frightening but it sure makes life simpler. I’ve always been the sort of woman who likes a bit of mystery but tends to get straight to the point eventually. I don’t find it hard to say, “I like you. If you think you’d be interested in more than a casual aquaintance, let me know.” In fact, if I hadn’t said that to my husband, we probably wouldn’t have gotten together – he was way too nervous to say anything!

I’m making a bit of a joke out of it but I think you get what I mean.

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what women want men October 6, 2010 at 10:44 am

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