Comments on: Single Mom S.O.S. – Explaining a Break Up http://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/ Single Mom Dating? Real advice from a real single mom. Mon, 13 Feb 2012 17:50:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Chrishttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-31174 Chris Thu, 15 Sep 2011 23:19:47 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-31174 I'm finding myself at a loss here. I wanted to start a family with my gf, of one year, so badly at first. It just seems that the only real time we spend together now is on making plans for me to watch her 2 y.o. son, or us watching him together. We went out at first, we seemed to share the same interest, we haven't even really fought. But now we barely speak on anything important, we don't go out, and I wonder if I'm being unfair just for thinking on how much we still have in common. All the work we put into trying to make things work at first have gone into making the child happy, which makes her happy, and I feel no better than a baby sitter. I know communication is key, but how does one seek to save a relationship when the mere mention of what I am feeling may end what I wish to save? I don't want to be a bad guy and I know she has so much on her shoulders, but I don't think she can see the weight this places on me and how unused to it I am. This being my first real relationship in my 30 years of life, I am unaccustomed as to how I should talk about my feelings when they run this deep. I did try explaining it once but she laughed it off, because I thought it out and made a bullet point list of what I wanted to address so I wouldn't forget what I wanted to convey. I feel more closed off then ever and even as I write this I don't know why I'm trying to save it. I have read a number of articles on dating a single mom but I haven't found one yet that addresses what I'm facing. I thought I was supposed to be the one that was closed off. Instead, she is the first person I opened up to and I feel like I'm talking to a wall. Hence me writing this to you. I’m finding myself at a loss here. I wanted to start a family with my gf, of one year, so badly at first. It just seems that the only real time we spend together now is on making plans for me to watch her 2 y.o. son, or us watching him together. We went out at first, we seemed to share the same interest, we haven’t even really fought. But now we barely speak on anything important, we don’t go out, and I wonder if I’m being unfair just for thinking on how much we still have in common.

All the work we put into trying to make things work at first have gone into making the child happy, which makes her happy, and I feel no better than a baby sitter. I know communication is key, but how does one seek to save a relationship when the mere mention of what I am feeling may end what I wish to save?
I don’t want to be a bad guy and I know she has so much on her shoulders, but I don’t think she can see the weight this places on me and how unused to it I am. This being my first real relationship in my 30 years of life, I am unaccustomed as to how I should talk about my feelings when they run this deep.
I did try explaining it once but she laughed it off, because I thought it out and made a bullet point list of what I wanted to address so I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to convey. I feel more closed off then ever and even as I write this I don’t know why I’m trying to save it. I have read a number of articles on dating a single mom but I haven’t found one yet that addresses what I’m facing.
I thought I was supposed to be the one that was closed off. Instead, she is the first person I opened up to and I feel like I’m talking to a wall. Hence me writing this to you.

]]> By: Lhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-30516 L Fri, 02 Sep 2011 02:06:44 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-30516 Thank you all for this thread, tonight I typed "broken hearted single mom" into Google and this site is what came up... I have a six and a half year old daughter whose father has never been involved in her life or paid a dime in child support (long story). I've never really known how to choose the right guys, and am just now figuring out a list of criteria to go by in future decisions... I was just left by a man I was with for six months - I kept it a secret as long as I could from my daughter - but she found out about two months ago and is, of course, attached now. She doesn't know yet that we've broken up - it was just "official" two days ago and she was watching cartoons on the couch while we were upstairs having "the talk". This comes nine months after a two year relationship I thought would be "the one" - but ended because he wouldn't move forward in any way and basically wanted to have all the benefits of a family and none of the responsibilities. I'm trying now to figure out how to keep this from happening again, to save my daughter the experience of seeing men take what they want and leave. The earlier statement about seeing a mom for who she really is and leaving because of it gives me pause... I never changed the way I discipline my daughter in a relationship - but in the last month or two of the recent relationship my daughter had lots of sleepovers and playdates with friends so I could make time for my boyfriend. She never complained - she asked me to set them up! The boyfriend did make a comment here or there, though, and maybe he thought it was too much time apart? I don't know... Ultimately I have to accept that my daughter and I may be a family of two for a very long time - but that's better than watching her confusion and sadness... I've made every decision that has brought us to this place. It's my fault for not being able to be attracted to the right guys and picking the emotionally unavailable ones that are really, in actuality, doing the best they can just as I am. Thank you all for this thread, tonight I typed “broken hearted single mom” into Google and this site is what came up…
I have a six and a half year old daughter whose father has never been involved in her life or paid a dime in child support (long story). I’ve never really known how to choose the right guys, and am just now figuring out a list of criteria to go by in future decisions…
I was just left by a man I was with for six months – I kept it a secret as long as I could from my daughter – but she found out about two months ago and is, of course, attached now. She doesn’t know yet that we’ve broken up – it was just “official” two days ago and she was watching cartoons on the couch while we were upstairs having “the talk”.
This comes nine months after a two year relationship I thought would be “the one” – but ended because he wouldn’t move forward in any way and basically wanted to have all the benefits of a family and none of the responsibilities.
I’m trying now to figure out how to keep this from happening again, to save my daughter the experience of seeing men take what they want and leave.
The earlier statement about seeing a mom for who she really is and leaving because of it gives me pause… I never changed the way I discipline my daughter in a relationship – but in the last month or two of the recent relationship my daughter had lots of sleepovers and playdates with friends so I could make time for my boyfriend. She never complained – she asked me to set them up! The boyfriend did make a comment here or there, though, and maybe he thought it was too much time apart? I don’t know…
Ultimately I have to accept that my daughter and I may be a family of two for a very long time – but that’s better than watching her confusion and sadness… I’ve made every decision that has brought us to this place. It’s my fault for not being able to be attracted to the right guys and picking the emotionally unavailable ones that are really, in actuality, doing the best they can just as I am.

]]> By: Peterhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28391 Peter Fri, 05 Aug 2011 05:49:21 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28391 Hi Cecelia, I think that is horrible for a person to do that to another person. Me being a guy I would say that he only cared about his needs and didn't even take in consideration how uncomfortable he is making his daughter by bringing her there. Yes we all may want that attention from the opposite sex but he needs to grow up and realize what he is doing to his kids. Not only is it hard for the kids to see their parents not together but to drag your daughter to a new girls place is totally wrong, but the other girl should of told him to spend and share that quality time with his daughter, and to get involved with the 10 yr. old. For him to take only one child and basically not acknowledge the other child is totally horrible, and is sending very bad messages to the child. Unfortunately guys can be real immature, and as being a guy myself I am sorry that you are dealt with a real tool like him, I wish you the best of luck! Hi Cecelia, I think that is horrible for a person to do that to another person. Me being a guy I would say that he only cared about his needs and didn’t even take in consideration how uncomfortable he is making his daughter by bringing her there. Yes we all may want that attention from the opposite sex but he needs to grow up and realize what he is doing to his kids. Not only is it hard for the kids to see their parents not together but to drag your daughter to a new girls place is totally wrong, but the other girl should of told him to spend and share that quality time with his daughter, and to get involved with the 10 yr. old. For him to take only one child and basically not acknowledge the other child is totally horrible, and is sending very bad messages to the child. Unfortunately guys can be real immature, and as being a guy myself I am sorry that you are dealt with a real tool like him, I wish you the best of luck!

]]> By: Peterhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28388 Peter Fri, 05 Aug 2011 04:48:18 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28388 Hi everyone, i'm in need of some advice, I am 28 years old, I just found out that my sons mom has been intensely flirting with two othe guys while i am working 50-60 hrs. a week, going to school full time and in the reserves. This is the second time she has showed me that she can't be trusted, but now we have a son that is five years old, and I know that if I move out it will crush his heart, but i can't keep letting things like this go on. I provide everything for the house and she is supposed to be taking care of our son. I am trying to do the right thing here but I have no clue of what to say or do for him to understand that I will always be there for him and that I love him vey much, but the pain that this girl keeps giving me is just taking a huge toll on me, if anyone has any advice I am all ears, thank you! Hi everyone, i’m in need of some advice, I am 28 years old, I just found out that my sons mom has been intensely flirting with two othe guys while i am working 50-60 hrs. a week, going to school full time and in the reserves. This is the second time she has showed me that she can’t be trusted, but now we have a son that is five years old, and I know that if I move out it will crush his heart, but i can’t keep letting things like this go on. I provide everything for the house and she is supposed to be taking care of our son. I am trying to do the right thing here but I have no clue of what to say or do for him to understand that I will always be there for him and that I love him vey much, but the pain that this girl keeps giving me is just taking a huge toll on me, if anyone has any advice I am all ears, thank you!

]]> By: Ceceliahttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28053 Cecelia Tue, 26 Jul 2011 09:32:32 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-28053 um all this sounds so familiar to me. 4 weeks ago i findout that my partner of over 5 years was cheating on me with his best friends ex who had just had a baby 5 weeks earlier and split with him a few days before they hooked up. We have a 3 n a half year old together and a 10 year old from a previous relationship. We are sorting custody of the 3 n half year old he doesn't want anything to do with the 10 year old. I am finding it hard as i can't understand how someone u thought who loved you can do something like this to his family. Let alone use your child to tell you what he is doing, then the fact he was dragn our daughter to the girlfriends first weekend he had her all day and the next time he stays with your child at the new girlfriends and after 5 weeks of them being together they are moving in together. The effects on our 3 n half year are not great, wants to sleep with the door wide open always the first night back home wakes up screaming, she seems very insecure and much more. To me it just shows me what type of person he was and is now. Why do people do this to kids, i can deal with my own pain but do not like to see my children in pain or miss treated. And when it comes to custody they have all the rights in the world and you just have to go along with it. You are told you are meant to do your best by your child but it should be both parents doing this, not just one who has to pick up all the pieces of your broken children just because your ex isn't think about anyone but himself! um all this sounds so familiar to me. 4 weeks ago i findout that my partner of over 5 years was cheating on me with his best friends ex who had just had a baby 5 weeks earlier and split with him a few days before they hooked up. We have a 3 n a half year old together and a 10 year old from a previous relationship. We are sorting custody of the 3 n half year old he doesn’t want anything to do with the 10 year old. I am finding it hard as i can’t understand how someone u thought who loved you can do something like this to his family. Let alone use your child to tell you what he is doing, then the fact he was dragn our daughter to the girlfriends first weekend he had her all day and the next time he stays with your child at the new girlfriends and after 5 weeks of them being together they are moving in together. The effects on our 3 n half year are not great, wants to sleep with the door wide open always the first night back home wakes up screaming, she seems very insecure and much more. To me it just shows me what type of person he was and is now. Why do people do this to kids, i can deal with my own pain but do not like to see my children in pain or miss treated. And when it comes to custody they have all the rights in the world and you just have to go along with it. You are told you are meant to do your best by your child but it should be both parents doing this, not just one who has to pick up all the pieces of your broken children just because your ex isn’t think about anyone but himself!

]]> By: Jennihttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-27577 Jenni Mon, 20 Jun 2011 15:18:37 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-27577 I hear you all on this one. My BF and I were at the 18 month point and dont get me wrong, we had some issues, but one day after a fight he tells me he wants to move out. It took 2 weeks while he looked for a place and 5 days after the break up he meets this girl and they start dating while he is still living there. Needless to say he moved out shortly thereafter, but my 4 year old and 8 year old are at a loss as to how he was there one week taking them to daycare and playing with them, and the next he is telling me don't contact him and he doesn't want to hear from any of us. It hurt hearing my son tell my daughter this weekend for fathers day that he doesn't have a daddy anymore b/c *** moved out and doesn't love him. Now of course I am trying to be careful who I hang out with bc I have a guy friend that is just a friend but my son asked immidiatly, "is he going to be your new BF and my daddy?" Guys just don't understand what this does to kids..and he was the one that first told me he loved me, wanted to live with me, wanted to buy a house..ect. I hear you all on this one. My BF and I were at the 18 month point and dont get me wrong, we had some issues, but one day after a fight he tells me he wants to move out. It took 2 weeks while he looked for a place and 5 days after the break up he meets this girl and they start dating while he is still living there. Needless to say he moved out shortly thereafter, but my 4 year old and 8 year old are at a loss as to how he was there one week taking them to daycare and playing with them, and the next he is telling me don’t contact him and he doesn’t want to hear from any of us. It hurt hearing my son tell my daughter this weekend for fathers day that he doesn’t have a daddy anymore b/c *** moved out and doesn’t love him. Now of course I am trying to be careful who I hang out with bc I have a guy friend that is just a friend but my son asked immidiatly, “is he going to be your new BF and my daddy?” Guys just don’t understand what this does to kids..and he was the one that first told me he loved me, wanted to live with me, wanted to buy a house..ect.

]]> By: Single Mom Needing Answers!http://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26730 Single Mom Needing Answers! Sat, 23 Apr 2011 03:04:18 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26730 I am a single mom and have been since his dad and I divorced when he was 7 months old. My son is 5 now. When my son was three I started dating a really nice guy, not my "type" at all because let's face it....my "type" didn't work out so good. Things progressed gradually but ultimately I felt very smothered and choked in the relationship and it long term was not going to work out for me. I thought about breaking up with the bf for about a year before I did. I broke it off with him just two days ago. The bf wound up moving in with my son and I about a year ago -- not because we made a concsious decision to move in together -- just because he was spending more and more time there and it evolved to him spending every night there. Because my son did not see the bf every night and every morning though, my son never put two and two together that the bf lived with us. My son and the bf were good friends, my son loved him. They would play video games together, he would make my son breakfast, take him to disney. He was a good role model. The bf was an all around really nice guy. I just really wasn't in love with him and I just couldn't live a lie anymore just because my son had a role model for now and because I had some help. So long story short, I broke it off and now I need to tell my son. I don't know how to do it. I have resolved the guilt because although the bf is a good role model for a 5 year old, his personality type would not have been a good role model for my son as he grew up and the relationship between the two would have never evolved to much more than video games, legos and changing the oil in the car. I know I made the right decision in the long run for all of us but I just don't know how to tell my son. If anyone can give me some advice on breaking the news to a 5 year old about a break up I would appreciate the help. It's been two days and he hasn't asked for him yet. I am a single mom and have been since his dad and I divorced when he was 7 months old. My son is 5 now. When my son was three I started dating a really nice guy, not my “type” at all because let’s face it….my “type” didn’t work out so good. Things progressed gradually but ultimately I felt very smothered and choked in the relationship and it long term was not going to work out for me. I thought about breaking up with the bf for about a year before I did. I broke it off with him just two days ago. The bf wound up moving in with my son and I about a year ago — not because we made a concsious decision to move in together — just because he was spending more and more time there and it evolved to him spending every night there. Because my son did not see the bf every night and every morning though, my son never put two and two together that the bf lived with us. My son and the bf were good friends, my son loved him. They would play video games together, he would make my son breakfast, take him to disney. He was a good role model. The bf was an all around really nice guy. I just really wasn’t in love with him and I just couldn’t live a lie anymore just because my son had a role model for now and because I had some help. So long story short, I broke it off and now I need to tell my son. I don’t know how to do it. I have resolved the guilt because although the bf is a good role model for a 5 year old, his personality type would not have been a good role model for my son as he grew up and the relationship between the two would have never evolved to much more than video games, legos and changing the oil in the car. I know I made the right decision in the long run for all of us but I just don’t know how to tell my son. If anyone can give me some advice on breaking the news to a 5 year old about a break up I would appreciate the help. It’s been two days and he hasn’t asked for him yet.

]]> By: Jovhttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26502 Jov Thu, 31 Mar 2011 22:19:52 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26502 I kept on googling this question today and thank goodness I know I am not alone. Most of you ladies and men sound like great people and are just trying the best for thier child. As am I, I have a soon to be 8 year old daughter and her father has never been consistant on visting since she was 4 years old, he is remarried and has another child so is not allowed to see his daugther. (ya crazy wife). Well I do not really care because I try to get by with what I know and thats to be even a better mommy to her. Well almost 3 years ago I met this perfect guy (so I thought) he was a only child to his single mother and I saw this great because him and my daughter could relate. When they met they both loved each other much... we eventually moved in together and yes like all relationships had some arguments here and there, we got a dog this past Christmas in hopes it would last between us. Well unfortanately this past week we just hit rock bottom and Monday he told me he could not be in a relationship anymore, he was done and I had to move out because this was originally his place. All week I have been moving things out slowly in hopes we can make this work, my daughter has been staying with my mom and is already questioning me. She misses her dog and him, I do not even know how to explain this to her considering I think this might be temporary. I don't want her to feel sad that another man she saw as a father like person is ready to leave too. This is the hardest part to being a single mother. I kept on googling this question today and thank goodness I know I am not alone. Most of you ladies and men sound like great people and are just trying the best for thier child. As am I, I have a soon to be 8 year old daughter and her father has never been consistant on visting since she was 4 years old, he is remarried and has another child so is not allowed to see his daugther. (ya crazy wife). Well I do not really care because I try to get by with what I know and thats to be even a better mommy to her. Well almost 3 years ago I met this perfect guy (so I thought) he was a only child to his single mother and I saw this great because him and my daughter could relate. When they met they both loved each other much… we eventually moved in together and yes like all relationships had some arguments here and there, we got a dog this past Christmas in hopes it would last between us. Well unfortanately this past week we just hit rock bottom and Monday he told me he could not be in a relationship anymore, he was done and I had to move out because this was originally his place. All week I have been moving things out slowly in hopes we can make this work, my daughter has been staying with my mom and is already questioning me. She misses her dog and him, I do not even know how to explain this to her considering I think this might be temporary. I don’t want her to feel sad that another man she saw as a father like person is ready to leave too. This is the hardest part to being a single mother.

]]> By: American Attorneyshttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26458 American Attorneys Sun, 27 Mar 2011 23:39:25 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26458 yes I understand your question, and the problem, im a single mom, and I pass for this like two years ago. and my solution was: telling to my ex boyfriend to come at least one day a week and pass a nice time with my kids, and then he goes home, and my babies are happy. or maybe looking for therapy yes I understand your question, and the problem, im a single mom, and I pass for this like two years ago.
and my solution was: telling to my ex boyfriend to come at least one day a week and pass a nice time with my kids, and then he goes home, and my babies are happy. or maybe looking for therapy

]]> By: Raehttp://mssinglemama.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26368 Rae Thu, 17 Mar 2011 16:32:37 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/telling-the-kids/#comment-26368 Thank you so much for this site!!! It has been a blessing to read this thread. I wasso afraid for my 6 year old daughter when my boyfriend (who she was very attached to) broke up with me from one day to the next. All of a sudden, my heartbreak didn't matter, I was just so terrified for my daughter & what she might experience. Thank God for this site, I was able to preoare myself for the inevitable. Yes she cried for 2 days but reading all the experiences here, supported me in getting her through this. Its been a week and we are healing our broken hearts one day at a time (and alot of fun activities like blockbuster night, movies, games, the park, etc..;) . Thak you all so much for this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for this site!!! It has been a blessing to read this thread. I wasso afraid for my 6 year old daughter when my boyfriend (who she was very attached to) broke up with me from one day to the next. All of a sudden, my heartbreak didn’t matter, I was just so terrified for my daughter & what she might experience. Thank God for this site, I was able to preoare myself for the inevitable. Yes she cried for 2 days but reading all the experiences here, supported me in getting her through this. Its been a week and we are healing our broken hearts one day at a time (and alot of fun activities like blockbuster night, movies, games, the park, etc..;) . Thak you all so much for this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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