My best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.
Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.
“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”
Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?
My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.
But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.
Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.
So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.
(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Wait, he just got up one day and said, “It’s over”?? Were there any signs? He just walked out? “Poof” and he’s gone?… Do tell what happened. There must be more to the story?
How would you explain that to a 5-year-old? He’s not in town?…
As for me, it was clear as day to my daughter that my boyfriend wasn’t “in it” anymore. My daughter saw how shut down he was, depressed, watching TV all the time. She certainly felt how tense I was. So, when I explained the break up to her — that being boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t work for us — she was upset, but she got it.
I told her that she could still see him — and his dog — whenever she wanted to…They still met in the park a few times… After a few months, she moved on.
There were definitely signs. It was the way the break up came down. He basically walked in – said it was over and didn’t say good bye to Penny. He’s in town. So she needs to really explain that they just don’t get along anymore? Any words she should use? I guess it’s just that her daughter is so upset by the entire situation. I think both adults need to sit down with her and explain what it means.
See, it’s good to read things like this because it seems obvious now what would have been a better course of action for this guy but I’m not sure I’d have known that before. It would have been much more thoughtful and considerate if he had discussed it with your friend and asked if she would like them both to discuss with her daughter or how she (your friend) would like to handle it and be supportive of that in the interest of her child.
You’re introducing me to a new world.
You know, as a mother, it’s a painful reality when we realize that there is no absolute, fool-proof way we can shield our children from pain, as much as we desperately want to. We can, however, teach them the tools they need to cope with their emotions when they are confronted with disappointments and heartbreak. And, we can let them know that Mommy will always, ALWAYS be there for them no matter what.
I suspect there must have been some warning signs that maybe your friend did not or could not see for whatever reason. This experience, though painful and probably unnecessary, will be one of personal growth. The same signs in the next relationship will not likely be missed again.
God bless your friend and her little girl. They deserve better, and now they can go find it.
Yeah, this is an incredibly sticky area. For me, this post underscores pretty well your previous statement about the indicators of character inherent in how one breaks up with someone.
That this guy just disappeared without understanding he’s affecting 2 lives outside his own, not just one, speaks volumes as to his character. Sorry to be so harsh, but imho, there’s no forgiveness for this sort of thing.
Anyway, regarding advice on how to help the 5 year old cope — is there any way your friend can get in contact with the guy and maybe arrange a goodbye meeting? Or maybe even a phone call where the guy can 1) assure the child that the breakup is not her fault and 2) explain to her why it’s the best thing for her that Mom and him are not together any more.
If he still loves your friend, as he professes, then he should have enough respect for her and her child, and what they all had together, to agree to something like this.
If he doesn’t agree and won’t talk to your friend at all, then it’s time for her to be honest with the child. Or, as honest as age and understanding will allow. Answers to seemingly impossible questions are made a little easier because your friend can help her child understand she’s not alone in her loss. In this arena especially, the simplest answers are the best.
“Will we ever see him again?”
“No, I don’t think we will.”
“Why did he leave us?”
“He wasn’t very happy/comfortable being in our family.”
“Does he not like us/me anymore?”
“Actually, I know he still likes us/you. And I know he still thinks a lot about us/you. But families are special — like ours is — and people need one that’s just right for them. I think he needs to find his just-right family.”
“I miss him so much.
“I miss him, too, sweetie.”
Anyway, you get the idea. The objective is not to have all the “right answers”; it’s to just be present. Your friend can’t be the closure for her child in this matter, and she shouldn’t try to be. I think at times like this it’s more important for kids to know they’re not alone and eventually things will be good again. Different, perhaps, but always good.
Random Esquire – It is a whole new world…I’m actually working on having my boyfriend write a bit on what it’s like to date a single mom. It’s really like nothing else you’ve ever experienced because we are SO real. There is no room for any bull. As he described it, “you are stripped down to your bare bones, about as real as a person can get.” It can be intimidating for a lot of men but they also find it incredibly refreshing. Men don’t like games, so they usually like single moms.
Healing Mom – there is no way to protect them from pain…we just have to do our best. We are human after all. Tks for your kind thoughts.
UPDATE***
Well, she asked the ex to say a formal good bye to Penny and he gave her the name of a child therapist he knows. Isn’t that sweet? She’s in good spirits today and so is Penny…she’s focusing her energy on making Penny feel better. Thanks for that great advice Jenny! Honesty is definitely always best with kids – I guess censored for their age – but honest. Thanks again!
To all who posted; good stuff. As a 39 yr old man, never married and no kids, I’m finally at a point where I want to settle down (no analysis please, I understand I have issues). At my age the dating pool – if it really exists- demographic is represented by women such as you. No I’m not soliciting any interest. Please no! It’s just that it’s helpful to me to gain insight into the concerns of the type of women that I may be encountering. To that end, I have marked this site as a favorite and will visit often. I really liked Jenny’s thoughts. It’s good to see that Mr. X manned up and did the appropriate thing. This is a real concern of mine – dating women with children. I understand that it’s a huge impact on kids to have a stranger walk into their lives, a male figure no less, and have all kinds of expectations and questions. It’s something that should not be entered into lightly. Which complicates the issue of taking initiative when I see an attractive single mom I would like to meet? I hear that women are fed up with men today. Men won’t step up and take charge. Please don’t underestimate how confusing the women’s movement and feminism still is for men. Please, please don’t misinterpret my meaning. Of course those are awesome and necessary and everything positive you can say about those issues. The point is relationships are complicated enough. Throw in a divorce with the potential of an ex hanging around, the impact of your presence on a child’s life, all the while just trying to attempt to see if someone is going to be compatible for you, it’s enough to throw in the towel. So it’s not that men don’t want to step up, there’s just so many variables to consider. Women want the results that the women’s movement and feminism achieved – i.e. respect and equality. But it also seems that men need to be the provider as well. So it’s a bit confusing. Do women want the opportunity to be the provider, or do they want to be taken care of, or both? If it’s they want to be the provider or both, then why the complaints that men don’t take initiative and don’t take charge. You need to step up. You need to take charge. Right? Well, we’re confused. Someone please draw us a map. Trying to figure this thing out is extremely time consuming if you are a man at all interested in finding answers. And honestly I don’t have a ton of time. If you’re a professional with a demanding work load, continuing professional education, volunteer efforts and retirement to consider (i.e. managing the household finances – again, time consuming), the obstacles just keep coming and coming. Please understand that I’m just venting. I understand that for all intent and purposes it doesn’t seem such an unreasonable request to want to be treated like a woman, appreciated for all the God given beautiful feminine qualities you have. Boy did He do a good job! And it doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request to be treated as an equal intellectually, having your thoughts considered equally with all the various decisions needing to be made daily – in a partner relationship. The confusion comes in knowing what button to push and when. Come on; you know this – right? Anyway, if you’re going to comment on the above, please just know that I’m also seeking answers; so the intent is an attempt to try to understand.
Sincerely, Bryan
Bryan – you’re asking some very poignant questions. I think it varies. Depends on the woman. But yes, in your age range you will likely be dating a lot of single moms or divorced women.
I think you should trust the single moms you are dating to know when it would be the right time for you to meet the kids. If she’s throwing the kids into the mix early on – that’s a bit of a red flag, in my book. Telling you she might not be putting her kids first. Which is something we are all guilty of from time to time.
As for gender roles…single moms are naturally more independent because we have to be. We are the sole providers and heads of household and some of us have been for a while. So when a man enters the picture it’s tough to let that control go – but, deep inside we are all feminine women.
I suggest you check out this post on Tips on How to Date a Single Mom for the Guys …
http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/
Thank GOD for this page. I’ve been scouring the Internet looking for just this. My boyfriend walked out Monday night, and not only am I devastated, my daughter (who is five as well) is reeling. I do not know the answers to give her, but reading this sure did help a bit. She wants to know why he doesn’t want to be mom’s boyfriend anymore. And with me not understanding myself, I’m not sure what to tell her. She LOVES him so much. He walked out, didn’t say goodbye and hasn’t asked about her at all. He was my first relationship of meaning since my divorce. And I think what really ticks me off, is that I avoided the boyfriend and my daughter meeting, and he PUSHED it. He pushed it and now he just walked out. It makes my heart ache for her.
I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old baby. The baby’s father and I broke up last week but have been communicating because of our one common interest. But my heart is breaking because I tried talking with my daughter about “us” not going over to his house but that the baby will be. I explained the whole we aren’t happy together anymore and her response was “he still loves me” and I said “Yes, he does still love you and he’ll miss you.” But she wants to go over to his house still and play with his other 2 children, from a previous relationship. HELP!!!
Wow I have to say that reading this has really helped with my daughter! My ex and I broke up 6 months ago, out the blue, he decided to start ignoring me rather than just telling me. My daughter still after all this time asks about him and I try to distract her with something else when she asks. The sad part too is he had a daughter as well who is the same age as my daughter is (4). The two of them were so close always wanting to be together and he was the one who pushed for them to meet and for us to do outings such as going away on trips together, the four of us all the time. It hurts that I still don’t have the closure I need but I’m glad that at least now I have some ideas on how to explain to my daughter and hopefully the answers I give her will be enough for her to move on as well.
And I have to agree with anonymous. I am in the rawest of the emotions right now, as my boyfriend has just decided tonight that this is not the “right fit” for him. He feels he is not an adequate father figure and can’t handle coming in second place to my son. The pain, no actually shock, I’m feeling right now is only surpassed by the pain I’m feeling for my son. He’s been a such a key player in our lives for the past year that I cannot imagine the heartbreak my son is going to experience once he knows what is taking place. I’ve asked him to stay until the weekend, so as to give myself some time to prepare both of us for his leaving. My son is already in counseling, and I am so terrified about the impact this will have on him. I know “this too shall pass” but the turmoil, grief and pain we’ll feel in the process is what is so devastating. Thank you, sincerely, for everyone’s words of wisdom. I’m so thankful to have stumbled upon this site tonight. Definitely will be back.
I told my son that sometimes friendships end. I let him know that in his life this may happen too. That it is ok to miss someone and that it was not his fault. I told him there are times when you see friends alot and sometimes they get busy. I will not introduce any man as more then a friend until I know it is safe. I told my son we had a special friendship and did not behave romantic around him. It is so hard. As they get older it is healthy for children to learn that some people break promises and hurt us. That is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and it is ok to not be someones friend/girlfriend. We trust people and sometimes they prove unworthy.
I am expierenceing this with an eight year old. He was in her life for almost a good 6 years and now it is over.She blames me for it and I do not know what to do about it. But i can tell you that it is hard to let go. I shared my life with this man for 6 years and my childs. Now he is gone and I am not really sure what to do about if anyone has any solutions on how to move on with life. I neeed some help.
OMG to my relief, I am not alone! My 5 yr old daughter and I are reeling from the shock of my live-in boyfriend of 2 years walking out on us. I am a 31 yr old single mama who waited for 3 years before allowing a man into my life after divorcing her father, an abusive multi-millionare who pays nothing in child-support (long story, everything is not in his name, so he walks scotch free). My new boyfriend was my prince charming, a southern gentleman all the way – opens doors, buys flowers for no reason, treats all women with utmost respect, a family man – very close to his family, incredible (starving) artist (whom is semi well-known in galleries, etc.)and drop dead gorgeous to boot! He was a wonderful role model for my daughter, stood by my side when most men never would have; I am a 31 yr old model/business professional whom needed to get an emergency Spinal Fusion! He kissed away my tears & held my hand the whole way, his family flew in to take care of me & my daughter for 6 weeks, and loved me through it all…up until my disability checks got stalled and I couldn’t cover my 1/2 of the bills for going on 2 months. Suddenly things got radically cold and miserable at home. Me, recovering from a major operation, on pain pills and trying to be the best mama possible, while my little one just entered Kindergarten, got settled in and has new best friends. On Tues he was professing his undying love for me, urging me to work things out, everything will be ok, although still extremely stressed over money & constantly asking if my check came in? It actually did finally come in that day, but I hide it in my closet a few moments earlier before he started hounding me & I knew he knew I had gotten it although I didn’t admit to getting it. (as a single mama with past experiences of men screwing me over, held onto my check for dear life because I had some intuition to not tell him the truth for the first time ever in 2 yrs, worried that we would be left with nothing for survival, if he chose to just walk out on us…) By Fri, unbeknownst to me we had an eviction notice on our door to move out in 3 days! He was demanding that I give my entire disability check to the front office, (which still would not cover rent owed to keep us there, therefore not even stalling the eviction…he said or else we were not invited to move back into his condo that he has a mortgage on!) He was moving things out all evening with a buddy, while my little girl was sleeping in the other room & I was laying sobbing on a sofa, with massive back pain & terrified & feeling betrayed, as we had no place to go but with him. Thanks to some close “adopted parents/friends” they swooped in and packed us up the next day, moved us into their home temporarily. We are now 40 miles away from my daughter’s Kindergarten & my ex didn’t have the nerve to say goodbye to my little girl, whom he referred to as “his own”. I asked him to have some sort of closure (by text of course since he refuses to pick up my calls, only texts me! oh and he’s 39yrs old!) with her & explain that it didn’t work out & to hear from his mouth that it’s not her fault. He has replied reapeatedly, that he is too emotional and is having a hard time with the worst time of his entire life – losing us – saying he is not ready to see/speak to her or me! He went through begging for me to call him for 2 days after abandoning us, to then texting that he wanted me to call b/c he wanted to explain the main reason he is so P.O’ed is b/c he has an engagement ring for me on layaway that he has been paying for 4 months!???! Yes, I know! Yet we got evicted b/c he couldn’t pay our rent??? I hate to admit this, but I have been going through severe depression & non-stop crying (I am 5 months post-op from a major back operation & still on heavy pain meds, too) that my little precious daughter is witnessing. Luckily I can blame my back for my crying at times; however she is doing the same as the other little 5 yr old, saying she misses & loves him & forgives him, that she just wants to hug & kiss him & have us move back in with him (heartbreaking & I am feeling tremendously gulity). The other part I hate to admit is that I am now absolutely begging for his forgiveness for lying to him about my check. He says that I am to blame for our failed relationship & that I am a lyer. I have been driving back-n-forth over 80 miles/day to keep her in her Kindergarten so that she has some stability, but we can’t afford to pay the amount of rent needed to stay living here & for gas & I am temp. disabled. So I have been begging for his forgiveness & pleading to take us in until I am back on my feet. His text reply, is “nope it’s not my problem, it’s your problem. You broke us up by lying to me, breaking the foundation of our relationship, that he no longer can believe anything I say, nor trust me anymore & I feel that this is for the best. You are a strong and beautiful woman, you’ll survive. I still love you both with all of my heart but I can’t handle it anymore. Maybe in the furture our paths will cross and we can be together when you get your life back on track.” He’d rather blame me then be humane and allow us to live with him until I am healthy enough to work FT again. I have no family, no money, bankrupct from my prior divorce, and temp. disabled. Boy, oh boy is this a test of my strength. We are only left with the option to drive 3,000 miles across country to stay with a girlfriend, so I am trying to figure out what to do plus how to handle this cold, cruel break-up from the man I wanted to be my daughter’s forever role-model, and my husband – I was his biggest fan & still love him with all of my heart. I attribute his cruelty to being overwhelmed with my disability & inability to contribute financially & he is working 3 jobs still not able to make it. He did what no other unmarried man would & he did it without hesitation & with complete commitment & love & support, so am in the wrong for lying & breaking trust? He has treated me, prior to walking out 7 days ago, like a princess – making me feel beautiful, buying my little girl a dozen red roses for “no reason, just because he loves her”, kissing away my tears, working hard to keep us afloat while I recovered, involved his entire family to assist me in recovering & having them watch her until I was well enough. I can only imagine his stress; after all he is a 39 yr old, never been engaged or married, used to dating care-free little college girls, and then walked into our lives & has the most stress he has ever experienced! I truly believe that what he & I had was the real thing, we had complete mutual respect & admiration for eachother, passionate love, and a great relationship until the financial pressures started overwhelming him & he didn’t let me in on how bad it really was, until the notice & walking out. I am a very honest person, never lied to him before & I know that I took him & his family for granted. I was so caught up in my operation, long recovery, pain & meds, that I just took all of his kindness for granted & I think, sucked him dry. Any takers for advice? Sorry for the length, but it is such an unusual story with dramatic turns and severe circumstances.
At least I don’t feel alone here, after my BF of 18 months, who stayed here every night, decided suddenly, yes, without forewarning, to end our relationship. He still wants to be friends (how? it is nearly impossible for me to leave the house alone, not to mention if I am to find a “man” I don’t need an ex hovering around). I cried every day for a month — never in front of my 5-year-old daughter — who asks about him or mentions him every day. When she asked why we don’t see him anymore, I told the truth: I don’t know. I don’t know if she will see him again. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe…
hmmm what happens if its the other way around… singel guy here fallen in love with single mom and her 11yr old… but have come to find out she is a compulsive liar… i have given her multiple chances… but am at a point now where i realize its not going to work… even though i want it too… any suggestions on a way to handle would be appreciated..
Wow, it’s so complicated isn’t it? We all just want someone to love and be loved, and when there are children involved the stakes are so much higher. Throw in financial difficulty and it’s an explosive mix. The instinct to create a family for our children is so strong we are really highly motivated to find a partner, but then it’s a lot for them to take on – they try to fit the bill for a while but get exhausted! Kourtney – I hope your situation has improved and resolved. CJ – are you sure she’s a compulsive liar or is she just trying to protect something? I guess if you think the relationship’s not going to work you can stay friends – we need big networks to support us. I was also in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man who was a great role model. We aregued a little bit about parenting technique but now he has been diagnosed with an illness so his priorities have completely changed of course. He wants to focus on himself and doesn’t feel he can do that with us. What can we do? It’s just life and we just have to try to give our children the resources to be able to flow with it. How I have no idea – I guess we discover that as we go along.
I feel like this is an epidemic of some kind!!! My bf just decided one day he was unhappy and basically done with our relationship. I have a 3 year old daughter and she misses him too! One of my other single mom friends told me that every one of her friends that is also a single mom has dealt with a guy being perfectly fine, content, etc until right about the 1 year/18 month mark and them for some reason they can’t handle it anymore and they leave!!! I would like to know from a man’s (or should we call them boys) perspective what it is that changes so suddenly at about a year that they feel like they need to just walk away!?!!?! I’m baffled by the amount of men that do this!!! I don’t understand how they can “fake it” for a year or so and then just be done and walk away!?!?!?