My best friend and fellow single mom, Abby, is still reeling from her break up. And so is her 5 year old daughter, Penny. She’s a beautiful, happy little girl who also fell in love with mommy’s boyfriend. How couldn’t she? He was over at their house at least three to four nights a week. They’d been together for nearly one year and had been talking about moving in together, starting a family – the whole kit and caboodle. And now – poof – he’s gone and Penny is broken hearted. If you’ve never seen a 5 year old with a little broken heart – lucky you – because I saw my first one tonight and it was unbearable.
Abby and I were sipping wine in the kitchen when Penny walked up with tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong sweetie, are you feeling sick?” Abby asked.
“No, I’m sad…about John. I love him, he’s my friend and I’ll never get to see him again.”
Abby and I looked at each other. The two single moms who always have the answers. And there was nothing. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say? How can you explain a break up to a 5 year old?
My son is just a few months shy of two. This is something I’ve never faced. I would imagine that for a five year old something like this is extremely heavy and intense. Something that could have a lasting impact. And what Abby is going through right now is without a doubt, my worst fear and is why us single moms can get a little “crazy” when it comes to relationships and dating. This is it. This is what we all want to avoid.
But we also want to meet someone, be with someone and find out if they are a fit for our family. I call it the single mom dating conundrum. How do we do it without hurting our kids? The answers aren’t clear and they never will be, but there must be some child psychology experts out there who would know what we should say. How we should say it.
Abby would have read up had she known John was going to walk in – break up with her and then leave without so much as a good bye to Penny.
So what should she do? Any advice? Please, please pass on some insights if you have them. I tried to do a Google search for “single mom break up how do you tell the kids” and there was nothing useful.
(Photo source – http://www.irishhealth.com)
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Wait, he just got up one day and said, “It’s over”?? Were there any signs? He just walked out? “Poof” and he’s gone?… Do tell what happened. There must be more to the story?
How would you explain that to a 5-year-old? He’s not in town?…
As for me, it was clear as day to my daughter that my boyfriend wasn’t “in it” anymore. My daughter saw how shut down he was, depressed, watching TV all the time. She certainly felt how tense I was. So, when I explained the break up to her — that being boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t work for us — she was upset, but she got it.
I told her that she could still see him — and his dog — whenever she wanted to…They still met in the park a few times… After a few months, she moved on.
There were definitely signs. It was the way the break up came down. He basically walked in – said it was over and didn’t say good bye to Penny. He’s in town. So she needs to really explain that they just don’t get along anymore? Any words she should use? I guess it’s just that her daughter is so upset by the entire situation. I think both adults need to sit down with her and explain what it means.
See, it’s good to read things like this because it seems obvious now what would have been a better course of action for this guy but I’m not sure I’d have known that before. It would have been much more thoughtful and considerate if he had discussed it with your friend and asked if she would like them both to discuss with her daughter or how she (your friend) would like to handle it and be supportive of that in the interest of her child.
You’re introducing me to a new world.
You know, as a mother, it’s a painful reality when we realize that there is no absolute, fool-proof way we can shield our children from pain, as much as we desperately want to. We can, however, teach them the tools they need to cope with their emotions when they are confronted with disappointments and heartbreak. And, we can let them know that Mommy will always, ALWAYS be there for them no matter what.
I suspect there must have been some warning signs that maybe your friend did not or could not see for whatever reason. This experience, though painful and probably unnecessary, will be one of personal growth. The same signs in the next relationship will not likely be missed again.
God bless your friend and her little girl. They deserve better, and now they can go find it.
Yeah, this is an incredibly sticky area. For me, this post underscores pretty well your previous statement about the indicators of character inherent in how one breaks up with someone.
That this guy just disappeared without understanding he’s affecting 2 lives outside his own, not just one, speaks volumes as to his character. Sorry to be so harsh, but imho, there’s no forgiveness for this sort of thing.
Anyway, regarding advice on how to help the 5 year old cope — is there any way your friend can get in contact with the guy and maybe arrange a goodbye meeting? Or maybe even a phone call where the guy can 1) assure the child that the breakup is not her fault and 2) explain to her why it’s the best thing for her that Mom and him are not together any more.
If he still loves your friend, as he professes, then he should have enough respect for her and her child, and what they all had together, to agree to something like this.
If he doesn’t agree and won’t talk to your friend at all, then it’s time for her to be honest with the child. Or, as honest as age and understanding will allow. Answers to seemingly impossible questions are made a little easier because your friend can help her child understand she’s not alone in her loss. In this arena especially, the simplest answers are the best.
“Will we ever see him again?”
“No, I don’t think we will.”
“Why did he leave us?”
“He wasn’t very happy/comfortable being in our family.”
“Does he not like us/me anymore?”
“Actually, I know he still likes us/you. And I know he still thinks a lot about us/you. But families are special — like ours is — and people need one that’s just right for them. I think he needs to find his just-right family.”
“I miss him so much.
“I miss him, too, sweetie.”
Anyway, you get the idea. The objective is not to have all the “right answers”; it’s to just be present. Your friend can’t be the closure for her child in this matter, and she shouldn’t try to be. I think at times like this it’s more important for kids to know they’re not alone and eventually things will be good again. Different, perhaps, but always good.
Random Esquire – It is a whole new world…I’m actually working on having my boyfriend write a bit on what it’s like to date a single mom. It’s really like nothing else you’ve ever experienced because we are SO real. There is no room for any bull. As he described it, “you are stripped down to your bare bones, about as real as a person can get.” It can be intimidating for a lot of men but they also find it incredibly refreshing. Men don’t like games, so they usually like single moms.
Healing Mom – there is no way to protect them from pain…we just have to do our best. We are human after all. Tks for your kind thoughts.
UPDATE***
Well, she asked the ex to say a formal good bye to Penny and he gave her the name of a child therapist he knows. Isn’t that sweet? She’s in good spirits today and so is Penny…she’s focusing her energy on making Penny feel better. Thanks for that great advice Jenny! Honesty is definitely always best with kids – I guess censored for their age – but honest. Thanks again!
To all who posted; good stuff. As a 39 yr old man, never married and no kids, I’m finally at a point where I want to settle down (no analysis please, I understand I have issues). At my age the dating pool – if it really exists- demographic is represented by women such as you. No I’m not soliciting any interest. Please no! It’s just that it’s helpful to me to gain insight into the concerns of the type of women that I may be encountering. To that end, I have marked this site as a favorite and will visit often. I really liked Jenny’s thoughts. It’s good to see that Mr. X manned up and did the appropriate thing. This is a real concern of mine – dating women with children. I understand that it’s a huge impact on kids to have a stranger walk into their lives, a male figure no less, and have all kinds of expectations and questions. It’s something that should not be entered into lightly. Which complicates the issue of taking initiative when I see an attractive single mom I would like to meet? I hear that women are fed up with men today. Men won’t step up and take charge. Please don’t underestimate how confusing the women’s movement and feminism still is for men. Please, please don’t misinterpret my meaning. Of course those are awesome and necessary and everything positive you can say about those issues. The point is relationships are complicated enough. Throw in a divorce with the potential of an ex hanging around, the impact of your presence on a child’s life, all the while just trying to attempt to see if someone is going to be compatible for you, it’s enough to throw in the towel. So it’s not that men don’t want to step up, there’s just so many variables to consider. Women want the results that the women’s movement and feminism achieved – i.e. respect and equality. But it also seems that men need to be the provider as well. So it’s a bit confusing. Do women want the opportunity to be the provider, or do they want to be taken care of, or both? If it’s they want to be the provider or both, then why the complaints that men don’t take initiative and don’t take charge. You need to step up. You need to take charge. Right? Well, we’re confused. Someone please draw us a map. Trying to figure this thing out is extremely time consuming if you are a man at all interested in finding answers. And honestly I don’t have a ton of time. If you’re a professional with a demanding work load, continuing professional education, volunteer efforts and retirement to consider (i.e. managing the household finances – again, time consuming), the obstacles just keep coming and coming. Please understand that I’m just venting. I understand that for all intent and purposes it doesn’t seem such an unreasonable request to want to be treated like a woman, appreciated for all the God given beautiful feminine qualities you have. Boy did He do a good job! And it doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request to be treated as an equal intellectually, having your thoughts considered equally with all the various decisions needing to be made daily – in a partner relationship. The confusion comes in knowing what button to push and when. Come on; you know this – right? Anyway, if you’re going to comment on the above, please just know that I’m also seeking answers; so the intent is an attempt to try to understand.
Sincerely, Bryan
Bryan – you’re asking some very poignant questions. I think it varies. Depends on the woman. But yes, in your age range you will likely be dating a lot of single moms or divorced women.
I think you should trust the single moms you are dating to know when it would be the right time for you to meet the kids. If she’s throwing the kids into the mix early on – that’s a bit of a red flag, in my book. Telling you she might not be putting her kids first. Which is something we are all guilty of from time to time.
As for gender roles…single moms are naturally more independent because we have to be. We are the sole providers and heads of household and some of us have been for a while. So when a man enters the picture it’s tough to let that control go – but, deep inside we are all feminine women.
I suggest you check out this post on Tips on How to Date a Single Mom for the Guys …
http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/
Thank GOD for this page. I’ve been scouring the Internet looking for just this. My boyfriend walked out Monday night, and not only am I devastated, my daughter (who is five as well) is reeling. I do not know the answers to give her, but reading this sure did help a bit. She wants to know why he doesn’t want to be mom’s boyfriend anymore. And with me not understanding myself, I’m not sure what to tell her. She LOVES him so much. He walked out, didn’t say goodbye and hasn’t asked about her at all. He was my first relationship of meaning since my divorce. And I think what really ticks me off, is that I avoided the boyfriend and my daughter meeting, and he PUSHED it. He pushed it and now he just walked out. It makes my heart ache for her.
I have a 5 year old and a 9 month old baby. The baby’s father and I broke up last week but have been communicating because of our one common interest. But my heart is breaking because I tried talking with my daughter about “us” not going over to his house but that the baby will be. I explained the whole we aren’t happy together anymore and her response was “he still loves me” and I said “Yes, he does still love you and he’ll miss you.” But she wants to go over to his house still and play with his other 2 children, from a previous relationship. HELP!!!
Wow I have to say that reading this has really helped with my daughter! My ex and I broke up 6 months ago, out the blue, he decided to start ignoring me rather than just telling me. My daughter still after all this time asks about him and I try to distract her with something else when she asks. The sad part too is he had a daughter as well who is the same age as my daughter is (4). The two of them were so close always wanting to be together and he was the one who pushed for them to meet and for us to do outings such as going away on trips together, the four of us all the time. It hurts that I still don’t have the closure I need but I’m glad that at least now I have some ideas on how to explain to my daughter and hopefully the answers I give her will be enough for her to move on as well.
And I have to agree with anonymous. I am in the rawest of the emotions right now, as my boyfriend has just decided tonight that this is not the “right fit” for him. He feels he is not an adequate father figure and can’t handle coming in second place to my son. The pain, no actually shock, I’m feeling right now is only surpassed by the pain I’m feeling for my son. He’s been a such a key player in our lives for the past year that I cannot imagine the heartbreak my son is going to experience once he knows what is taking place. I’ve asked him to stay until the weekend, so as to give myself some time to prepare both of us for his leaving. My son is already in counseling, and I am so terrified about the impact this will have on him. I know “this too shall pass” but the turmoil, grief and pain we’ll feel in the process is what is so devastating. Thank you, sincerely, for everyone’s words of wisdom. I’m so thankful to have stumbled upon this site tonight. Definitely will be back.
I told my son that sometimes friendships end. I let him know that in his life this may happen too. That it is ok to miss someone and that it was not his fault. I told him there are times when you see friends alot and sometimes they get busy. I will not introduce any man as more then a friend until I know it is safe. I told my son we had a special friendship and did not behave romantic around him. It is so hard. As they get older it is healthy for children to learn that some people break promises and hurt us. That is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and it is ok to not be someones friend/girlfriend. We trust people and sometimes they prove unworthy.
I am expierenceing this with an eight year old. He was in her life for almost a good 6 years and now it is over.She blames me for it and I do not know what to do about it. But i can tell you that it is hard to let go. I shared my life with this man for 6 years and my childs. Now he is gone and I am not really sure what to do about if anyone has any solutions on how to move on with life. I neeed some help.
OMG to my relief, I am not alone! My 5 yr old daughter and I are reeling from the shock of my live-in boyfriend of 2 years walking out on us. I am a 31 yr old single mama who waited for 3 years before allowing a man into my life after divorcing her father, an abusive multi-millionare who pays nothing in child-support (long story, everything is not in his name, so he walks scotch free). My new boyfriend was my prince charming, a southern gentleman all the way – opens doors, buys flowers for no reason, treats all women with utmost respect, a family man – very close to his family, incredible (starving) artist (whom is semi well-known in galleries, etc.)and drop dead gorgeous to boot! He was a wonderful role model for my daughter, stood by my side when most men never would have; I am a 31 yr old model/business professional whom needed to get an emergency Spinal Fusion! He kissed away my tears & held my hand the whole way, his family flew in to take care of me & my daughter for 6 weeks, and loved me through it all…up until my disability checks got stalled and I couldn’t cover my 1/2 of the bills for going on 2 months. Suddenly things got radically cold and miserable at home. Me, recovering from a major operation, on pain pills and trying to be the best mama possible, while my little one just entered Kindergarten, got settled in and has new best friends. On Tues he was professing his undying love for me, urging me to work things out, everything will be ok, although still extremely stressed over money & constantly asking if my check came in? It actually did finally come in that day, but I hide it in my closet a few moments earlier before he started hounding me & I knew he knew I had gotten it although I didn’t admit to getting it. (as a single mama with past experiences of men screwing me over, held onto my check for dear life because I had some intuition to not tell him the truth for the first time ever in 2 yrs, worried that we would be left with nothing for survival, if he chose to just walk out on us…) By Fri, unbeknownst to me we had an eviction notice on our door to move out in 3 days! He was demanding that I give my entire disability check to the front office, (which still would not cover rent owed to keep us there, therefore not even stalling the eviction…he said or else we were not invited to move back into his condo that he has a mortgage on!) He was moving things out all evening with a buddy, while my little girl was sleeping in the other room & I was laying sobbing on a sofa, with massive back pain & terrified & feeling betrayed, as we had no place to go but with him. Thanks to some close “adopted parents/friends” they swooped in and packed us up the next day, moved us into their home temporarily. We are now 40 miles away from my daughter’s Kindergarten & my ex didn’t have the nerve to say goodbye to my little girl, whom he referred to as “his own”. I asked him to have some sort of closure (by text of course since he refuses to pick up my calls, only texts me! oh and he’s 39yrs old!) with her & explain that it didn’t work out & to hear from his mouth that it’s not her fault. He has replied reapeatedly, that he is too emotional and is having a hard time with the worst time of his entire life – losing us – saying he is not ready to see/speak to her or me! He went through begging for me to call him for 2 days after abandoning us, to then texting that he wanted me to call b/c he wanted to explain the main reason he is so P.O’ed is b/c he has an engagement ring for me on layaway that he has been paying for 4 months!???! Yes, I know! Yet we got evicted b/c he couldn’t pay our rent??? I hate to admit this, but I have been going through severe depression & non-stop crying (I am 5 months post-op from a major back operation & still on heavy pain meds, too) that my little precious daughter is witnessing. Luckily I can blame my back for my crying at times; however she is doing the same as the other little 5 yr old, saying she misses & loves him & forgives him, that she just wants to hug & kiss him & have us move back in with him (heartbreaking & I am feeling tremendously gulity). The other part I hate to admit is that I am now absolutely begging for his forgiveness for lying to him about my check. He says that I am to blame for our failed relationship & that I am a lyer. I have been driving back-n-forth over 80 miles/day to keep her in her Kindergarten so that she has some stability, but we can’t afford to pay the amount of rent needed to stay living here & for gas & I am temp. disabled. So I have been begging for his forgiveness & pleading to take us in until I am back on my feet. His text reply, is “nope it’s not my problem, it’s your problem. You broke us up by lying to me, breaking the foundation of our relationship, that he no longer can believe anything I say, nor trust me anymore & I feel that this is for the best. You are a strong and beautiful woman, you’ll survive. I still love you both with all of my heart but I can’t handle it anymore. Maybe in the furture our paths will cross and we can be together when you get your life back on track.” He’d rather blame me then be humane and allow us to live with him until I am healthy enough to work FT again. I have no family, no money, bankrupct from my prior divorce, and temp. disabled. Boy, oh boy is this a test of my strength. We are only left with the option to drive 3,000 miles across country to stay with a girlfriend, so I am trying to figure out what to do plus how to handle this cold, cruel break-up from the man I wanted to be my daughter’s forever role-model, and my husband – I was his biggest fan & still love him with all of my heart. I attribute his cruelty to being overwhelmed with my disability & inability to contribute financially & he is working 3 jobs still not able to make it. He did what no other unmarried man would & he did it without hesitation & with complete commitment & love & support, so am in the wrong for lying & breaking trust? He has treated me, prior to walking out 7 days ago, like a princess – making me feel beautiful, buying my little girl a dozen red roses for “no reason, just because he loves her”, kissing away my tears, working hard to keep us afloat while I recovered, involved his entire family to assist me in recovering & having them watch her until I was well enough. I can only imagine his stress; after all he is a 39 yr old, never been engaged or married, used to dating care-free little college girls, and then walked into our lives & has the most stress he has ever experienced! I truly believe that what he & I had was the real thing, we had complete mutual respect & admiration for eachother, passionate love, and a great relationship until the financial pressures started overwhelming him & he didn’t let me in on how bad it really was, until the notice & walking out. I am a very honest person, never lied to him before & I know that I took him & his family for granted. I was so caught up in my operation, long recovery, pain & meds, that I just took all of his kindness for granted & I think, sucked him dry. Any takers for advice? Sorry for the length, but it is such an unusual story with dramatic turns and severe circumstances.
At least I don’t feel alone here, after my BF of 18 months, who stayed here every night, decided suddenly, yes, without forewarning, to end our relationship. He still wants to be friends (how? it is nearly impossible for me to leave the house alone, not to mention if I am to find a “man” I don’t need an ex hovering around). I cried every day for a month — never in front of my 5-year-old daughter — who asks about him or mentions him every day. When she asked why we don’t see him anymore, I told the truth: I don’t know. I don’t know if she will see him again. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe…
hmmm what happens if its the other way around… singel guy here fallen in love with single mom and her 11yr old… but have come to find out she is a compulsive liar… i have given her multiple chances… but am at a point now where i realize its not going to work… even though i want it too… any suggestions on a way to handle would be appreciated..
Wow, it’s so complicated isn’t it? We all just want someone to love and be loved, and when there are children involved the stakes are so much higher. Throw in financial difficulty and it’s an explosive mix. The instinct to create a family for our children is so strong we are really highly motivated to find a partner, but then it’s a lot for them to take on – they try to fit the bill for a while but get exhausted! Kourtney – I hope your situation has improved and resolved. CJ – are you sure she’s a compulsive liar or is she just trying to protect something? I guess if you think the relationship’s not going to work you can stay friends – we need big networks to support us. I was also in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man who was a great role model. We aregued a little bit about parenting technique but now he has been diagnosed with an illness so his priorities have completely changed of course. He wants to focus on himself and doesn’t feel he can do that with us. What can we do? It’s just life and we just have to try to give our children the resources to be able to flow with it. How I have no idea – I guess we discover that as we go along.
I feel like this is an epidemic of some kind!!! My bf just decided one day he was unhappy and basically done with our relationship. I have a 3 year old daughter and she misses him too! One of my other single mom friends told me that every one of her friends that is also a single mom has dealt with a guy being perfectly fine, content, etc until right about the 1 year/18 month mark and them for some reason they can’t handle it anymore and they leave!!! I would like to know from a man’s (or should we call them boys) perspective what it is that changes so suddenly at about a year that they feel like they need to just walk away!?!!?! I’m baffled by the amount of men that do this!!! I don’t understand how they can “fake it” for a year or so and then just be done and walk away!?!?!?
Wow, I’m really nervous now. I am actually am losing hope. I”m a 35 year old single mother. I always wanted a family and more children. The clock is ticking on that though and I can’t afford to have someone waste two years of my life and then walk away. I’m trying to be brave. My ex has already moved on and is engaged to his new partner. He’s three years younger than me and I’ll guess she’s even younger. God I’m scared. I feel like there is nobody out there for me and I’m just going to be an old maid with no more babies.
Sorry, I guess this isn’t very helpful but maybe there is someone out there who can relate? Maybe someone who was once sitting where I am now, at this age, and still managed to find a family?
I am a 40 year old sinlge mom and I am struggling terribly with single mom issues. I have fel embarassed and guilty and so have not sought support or help , so i am so grateful for the presence of this site. I have a 7 year old son. His father and I I divorced when he was just 1, so my son has never known us together. He and his dad have a great relationship and his dad and I have figured out how to coparent relatively well. 2 years ago I got involved with a man and now live with him. The relationship has had chronic problems for over a year. I clearly need to end this and move on….however we live in a beautiful home that my son loves and that we rented together only two months ago. He has a bonded relationship with my boyfriend and his dog. I feel horribly guilty to say the least and worried about the implications for my son ( we end up having to move out, he loses the relationship wiht my boyfriend etc.) I also feel guilty for staying in this relationship longer then I should have believing that somehow I could avoid it having to be ended?. I feel like a terrible mom. My question is how do I protect my son through all this? My son and I have talked about the possibility of being on our own again before and I have told him that if it happens i understand that he will be sad and that we will work through it togehter but I still feel like there is some irreperable damage I have done. I would so appreciate anyone’s thoughts here. thank you
By the Grace And Mercy of God we will make it through because He is a healer of all pain. Just ask Him to carry all your burdens and believe u me He will.
I’ve been looking for a post like this all night. My boyfriend just broke up with me very suddenly and unexpectedly two days ago. And my 4 year old son is very sad. We were curled up on saturday saying he loved me forever and always and Monday night it was over via text message. I don’t know what to say to him at all.. Really struggling with my own heartbreak and with his.
I didnt think i’d find a site like this.Glad i did.i too am a single mom.I really didnt mean to end a 5 year relationship with my ex but it happened.After a few days i explained to my 8 year old son that he would no longer be with us.My 8 year old was devestated.I told him that we couldnt get along anymore so our relationship ended.He told me that he was sad because his real dad choses not to be in his life and now his step-dad.This man & my son had a good relationship.we would go fishing & camping often.i told my son that nothing would change & that i’d make every attempt to keep our fishing & camping trips going.He said its not the same and never wants to ever have a stepdad agian & that he hates his real dad for never giving him a chance to meet him.I feel like its my fault my son feels like this.not sure of anything that would be comforting to tell him except i love him..Any ideas anybody???
If anyone would like to offer some support, ugh. its so hard. I was with a guy for a few months and had a child with him..we went our separate ways and he didn’t help me at all financially. Well I meet a wonderful guy when my son is 2(almost 3) and he moves in and we live together for 3 years. The whole time, we argued and didn’t have the best relationship but we loved each other and chocked it up to us being so different. He lost jobs left and right and had no drive to do anything. We grew apart and he decided spur of the moment that he was moving back in with his mom in another state. He talked to my son briefly, although I didn’t know what exactly was said, and my son told me that he said sometimes mommies and daddies dont get along and want to live in different places but we still love you and mommy is gonna be here for you. i’ll think of you and you can think of me but we are going to take time apart so i wont be here. and left. that was 3 days ago, now im left to pick up the pieces from my son, me, and the bills that were all in my name. any suggestions/ideas/support? add me on fb if you wanna chat or anything. i feel so alone.
Just thought I would shed some perspective on this situation from the opposite point of view. I was in a relationship for over six years. Shortly after it ended, I ran into an amazing single mother and her daughter at the beach. Found out she lived not too far from me, we hit it off immediately, went on a few dates, you know how the story goes.
The relationship with her and her daughter was amazing for a period of six months. She was happy I had met her daughter early, wasn’t put off by her, and was willing to commit to her. I on the other hand was more than happy to have met such a great woman and such an amazing child. After six months I invited them to move in with me.
I loved my new girlfriend and we were perfect for each other. We had the same sense of humor, the same occupation, mostly the same interests, and there was no working at the relationship, it came completely natural. I loved her daughter too. She was smart, beyond adorable, and I was completely attatched to her.
So what made me decide I needed to end this relationship? About nine months in, I came out of my stupor and realized what had slowly been occuring. My ex was no longer the wonderful mother she was when we first met. She begun to pawn off her daughter on her grandparents nearly every weekend, refused to disipline her daughter if it would inconvenience her, and almost always seemed to put “us” before “her.”
A major misfortune of being a single mother is that all men will eventually see just how good of a mother you really are. There is no facade, no willful blindness, or any degree of uncertainty. All men hope the woman they choose to spend the rest of their lives with will be a great wife and a perfect mother. When you are dating a single mom, you know before you make that committment exactly what you are getting in that department.
However, I didn’t write this to bash my ex. I would never say that she doesn’t love her daughter, that her little princess doesn’t mean the entire world to her, or that she is unfit in anyway. I wrote this as a word of caution to single mothers in committed relationships that may be contemplating marriage or a similar living arrangement. Whether moms like to admit it or not they are sometimes guilty of putting themselves before their children. However, nothing will scare off a good guy who does want to be with your family quicker than making that the norm instead of the exception.
In order to address the situation of how to ease out, I offered to visit weekly. I had helped keep up the lease on her old place, so the move back for them wasn’t too terrible in that regard. Her mother can’t stand to talk to me face to face as this is still relatively recent. However, I still meet with her daughter for an hour or two every other week at her grandparent’s house. She is only six but exceptionally bright and perceptive for her age. I do my best to let her know it wasn’t her fault that we aren’t together anymore. I try to blame myself because I know she blames her own behavior and her mother. Most importantly I let her know I still care about her and she will have a friend for life if she ever needs me. She is getting used to the fact that her mother and I aren’t together anymore, and soon enough she will probably not need me in her life on a regular basis, if at all.
I’m sorry for anyone else dealing with a recent breakup affecting a young child. But trust me that most men willing to seriously date single moms will also be willing to make the process as painless as can possibly be to any children that are affected.
God is good all the time. I’m so grateful I found this site!!! Seek and thou shall find. My boyfriend broke up with me rudely on Friday after telling me several times a day for months how much he loved me and my daughter. She’s 6 going on 7 and was thrilled to have this man in our lives. What pisses me off the most, is that I tried to keep him from her and he pushed meeting my daughter and other relatives to pressing on having family outings all the time. From one day to the next,what I thought was a beautiful relationship is over and I’m not what he wants. I’m an adult, I can handle it but I was heartbroken having to tell my daughter that he wasnt going to be part of our lives anymore. All 3 of us were together all the time & had began hunting for a new place to move in together late this spring – & now I had to tell my daughter it wasnt going to happen. I thank EVERY single person who has posted on this site for clearly offering light (insight) through what feels like a long dark tunnel for many of us. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this site!!! It has been a blessing to read this thread. I wasso afraid for my 6 year old daughter when my boyfriend (who she was very attached to) broke up with me from one day to the next. All of a sudden, my heartbreak didn’t matter, I was just so terrified for my daughter & what she might experience. Thank God for this site, I was able to preoare myself for the inevitable. Yes she cried for 2 days but reading all the experiences here, supported me in getting her through this. Its been a week and we are healing our broken hearts one day at a time (and alot of fun activities like blockbuster night, movies, games, the park, etc..;) . Thak you all so much for this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes I understand your question, and the problem, im a single mom, and I pass for this like two years ago.
and my solution was: telling to my ex boyfriend to come at least one day a week and pass a nice time with my kids, and then he goes home, and my babies are happy. or maybe looking for therapy
I kept on googling this question today and thank goodness I know I am not alone. Most of you ladies and men sound like great people and are just trying the best for thier child. As am I, I have a soon to be 8 year old daughter and her father has never been consistant on visting since she was 4 years old, he is remarried and has another child so is not allowed to see his daugther. (ya crazy wife). Well I do not really care because I try to get by with what I know and thats to be even a better mommy to her. Well almost 3 years ago I met this perfect guy (so I thought) he was a only child to his single mother and I saw this great because him and my daughter could relate. When they met they both loved each other much… we eventually moved in together and yes like all relationships had some arguments here and there, we got a dog this past Christmas in hopes it would last between us. Well unfortanately this past week we just hit rock bottom and Monday he told me he could not be in a relationship anymore, he was done and I had to move out because this was originally his place. All week I have been moving things out slowly in hopes we can make this work, my daughter has been staying with my mom and is already questioning me. She misses her dog and him, I do not even know how to explain this to her considering I think this might be temporary. I don’t want her to feel sad that another man she saw as a father like person is ready to leave too. This is the hardest part to being a single mother.
I am a single mom and have been since his dad and I divorced when he was 7 months old. My son is 5 now. When my son was three I started dating a really nice guy, not my “type” at all because let’s face it….my “type” didn’t work out so good. Things progressed gradually but ultimately I felt very smothered and choked in the relationship and it long term was not going to work out for me. I thought about breaking up with the bf for about a year before I did. I broke it off with him just two days ago. The bf wound up moving in with my son and I about a year ago — not because we made a concsious decision to move in together — just because he was spending more and more time there and it evolved to him spending every night there. Because my son did not see the bf every night and every morning though, my son never put two and two together that the bf lived with us. My son and the bf were good friends, my son loved him. They would play video games together, he would make my son breakfast, take him to disney. He was a good role model. The bf was an all around really nice guy. I just really wasn’t in love with him and I just couldn’t live a lie anymore just because my son had a role model for now and because I had some help. So long story short, I broke it off and now I need to tell my son. I don’t know how to do it. I have resolved the guilt because although the bf is a good role model for a 5 year old, his personality type would not have been a good role model for my son as he grew up and the relationship between the two would have never evolved to much more than video games, legos and changing the oil in the car. I know I made the right decision in the long run for all of us but I just don’t know how to tell my son. If anyone can give me some advice on breaking the news to a 5 year old about a break up I would appreciate the help. It’s been two days and he hasn’t asked for him yet.
I hear you all on this one. My BF and I were at the 18 month point and dont get me wrong, we had some issues, but one day after a fight he tells me he wants to move out. It took 2 weeks while he looked for a place and 5 days after the break up he meets this girl and they start dating while he is still living there. Needless to say he moved out shortly thereafter, but my 4 year old and 8 year old are at a loss as to how he was there one week taking them to daycare and playing with them, and the next he is telling me don’t contact him and he doesn’t want to hear from any of us. It hurt hearing my son tell my daughter this weekend for fathers day that he doesn’t have a daddy anymore b/c *** moved out and doesn’t love him. Now of course I am trying to be careful who I hang out with bc I have a guy friend that is just a friend but my son asked immidiatly, “is he going to be your new BF and my daddy?” Guys just don’t understand what this does to kids..and he was the one that first told me he loved me, wanted to live with me, wanted to buy a house..ect.
um all this sounds so familiar to me. 4 weeks ago i findout that my partner of over 5 years was cheating on me with his best friends ex who had just had a baby 5 weeks earlier and split with him a few days before they hooked up. We have a 3 n a half year old together and a 10 year old from a previous relationship. We are sorting custody of the 3 n half year old he doesn’t want anything to do with the 10 year old. I am finding it hard as i can’t understand how someone u thought who loved you can do something like this to his family. Let alone use your child to tell you what he is doing, then the fact he was dragn our daughter to the girlfriends first weekend he had her all day and the next time he stays with your child at the new girlfriends and after 5 weeks of them being together they are moving in together. The effects on our 3 n half year are not great, wants to sleep with the door wide open always the first night back home wakes up screaming, she seems very insecure and much more. To me it just shows me what type of person he was and is now. Why do people do this to kids, i can deal with my own pain but do not like to see my children in pain or miss treated. And when it comes to custody they have all the rights in the world and you just have to go along with it. You are told you are meant to do your best by your child but it should be both parents doing this, not just one who has to pick up all the pieces of your broken children just because your ex isn’t think about anyone but himself!
Hi Cecelia, I think that is horrible for a person to do that to another person. Me being a guy I would say that he only cared about his needs and didn’t even take in consideration how uncomfortable he is making his daughter by bringing her there. Yes we all may want that attention from the opposite sex but he needs to grow up and realize what he is doing to his kids. Not only is it hard for the kids to see their parents not together but to drag your daughter to a new girls place is totally wrong, but the other girl should of told him to spend and share that quality time with his daughter, and to get involved with the 10 yr. old. For him to take only one child and basically not acknowledge the other child is totally horrible, and is sending very bad messages to the child. Unfortunately guys can be real immature, and as being a guy myself I am sorry that you are dealt with a real tool like him, I wish you the best of luck!
Hi everyone, i’m in need of some advice, I am 28 years old, I just found out that my sons mom has been intensely flirting with two othe guys while i am working 50-60 hrs. a week, going to school full time and in the reserves. This is the second time she has showed me that she can’t be trusted, but now we have a son that is five years old, and I know that if I move out it will crush his heart, but i can’t keep letting things like this go on. I provide everything for the house and she is supposed to be taking care of our son. I am trying to do the right thing here but I have no clue of what to say or do for him to understand that I will always be there for him and that I love him vey much, but the pain that this girl keeps giving me is just taking a huge toll on me, if anyone has any advice I am all ears, thank you!
Thank you all for this thread, tonight I typed “broken hearted single mom” into Google and this site is what came up…
I have a six and a half year old daughter whose father has never been involved in her life or paid a dime in child support (long story). I’ve never really known how to choose the right guys, and am just now figuring out a list of criteria to go by in future decisions…
I was just left by a man I was with for six months – I kept it a secret as long as I could from my daughter – but she found out about two months ago and is, of course, attached now. She doesn’t know yet that we’ve broken up – it was just “official” two days ago and she was watching cartoons on the couch while we were upstairs having “the talk”.
This comes nine months after a two year relationship I thought would be “the one” – but ended because he wouldn’t move forward in any way and basically wanted to have all the benefits of a family and none of the responsibilities.
I’m trying now to figure out how to keep this from happening again, to save my daughter the experience of seeing men take what they want and leave.
The earlier statement about seeing a mom for who she really is and leaving because of it gives me pause… I never changed the way I discipline my daughter in a relationship – but in the last month or two of the recent relationship my daughter had lots of sleepovers and playdates with friends so I could make time for my boyfriend. She never complained – she asked me to set them up! The boyfriend did make a comment here or there, though, and maybe he thought it was too much time apart? I don’t know…
Ultimately I have to accept that my daughter and I may be a family of two for a very long time – but that’s better than watching her confusion and sadness… I’ve made every decision that has brought us to this place. It’s my fault for not being able to be attracted to the right guys and picking the emotionally unavailable ones that are really, in actuality, doing the best they can just as I am.
I’m finding myself at a loss here. I wanted to start a family with my gf, of one year, so badly at first. It just seems that the only real time we spend together now is on making plans for me to watch her 2 y.o. son, or us watching him together. We went out at first, we seemed to share the same interest, we haven’t even really fought. But now we barely speak on anything important, we don’t go out, and I wonder if I’m being unfair just for thinking on how much we still have in common.
All the work we put into trying to make things work at first have gone into making the child happy, which makes her happy, and I feel no better than a baby sitter. I know communication is key, but how does one seek to save a relationship when the mere mention of what I am feeling may end what I wish to save?
I don’t want to be a bad guy and I know she has so much on her shoulders, but I don’t think she can see the weight this places on me and how unused to it I am. This being my first real relationship in my 30 years of life, I am unaccustomed as to how I should talk about my feelings when they run this deep.
I did try explaining it once but she laughed it off, because I thought it out and made a bullet point list of what I wanted to address so I wouldn’t forget what I wanted to convey. I feel more closed off then ever and even as I write this I don’t know why I’m trying to save it. I have read a number of articles on dating a single mom but I haven’t found one yet that addresses what I’m facing.
I thought I was supposed to be the one that was closed off. Instead, she is the first person I opened up to and I feel like I’m talking to a wall. Hence me writing this to you.