The Fine Art of Dumping.
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I’ve had a rough day.
I didn’t get dumped but my best girl friend did. And she’s a single mom. Needless to say I want to kill the guy (not really FBI guys, but I do want to punch him in the face). Instead of ranting about what a jerk her now ex-boyfriend is I’ve decided to channel my negative energy into a cynical but hopefully interesting post.
I have a theory - how we break up with someone is a true reflection of our character.
Here are some of the most common ways to break up with someone (in my dating experience) - guess which one the guy used on my single mom friend?
The cold snub.
Usually follows a short fling, maybe a two - four week long relationship. The dumper ceases all contact with the dumpee. Contact may be blatantly ceased via text or e-mail. Cold, cruel and unfair - this dumping tactic is used only by cowards. Everyone, no matter what they’ve done, deserves a reason.
It’s not you it’s me.
An oldie but goodie. The “it’s not you, it’s me” card is an old faithful for many of us.
Sabatoge.
Used more often by women, sabotage dumping involves unconcious efforts to piss your man off which result in him growing more and more annoyed. Finally he is set up with a situation he’s doomed to fail and then woman uses that as the reason for the dump.
The mutual dump.
The best of the best, a mutual break up often involves sweet and passionate farewell sex followed by kind words, a big hug and a short good bye. Ideal for any couple.
See ya later.
Used by only the most self-absorbed and heartless of us, the “see ya later” is a quick and abrupt end to what was a long (anywhere from 6 months up) and very serious relationship. The “see ya later” can often be followed by calls from the dumper weeks later begging for forgiveness. Dumpee usually caves, forgives dumper and is subsequently dumped again months later. Could go on and on from both sides until relationship self-destructs.
I still love you, but…
The worst one of all. Uhhh…yeah, but if you still loved me than why are you dumping me. Yeah right. Liar, liar pants on fire - you don’t really know what love is - poor you.
I just don’t love you anymore.
At least you’re honest.
If you have any to add…please, by all means - speak up and leave a comment!
And guys - if you were dating a single mom would you dump her differently than you would a single, childless woman? In my experience and my friend’s experiences men surprisingly don’t always take our vulnerability into account. And guys - for tips on how you should treat a single mom - read up, here.
Filed under: Breaking up, Dating tips (for the single mama), Dating, sex and love, For the men
I really don’t get why a person would not just tell someone that it wasn’t working out. That’s a perfectly valid reason and doesn’t need to be defended so I really do not understand why people choose such random methods of breaking up. In all that effort to spare someone (themselves of the other) some measure of pain, it really causes far more.
I’ve never dated a single mother (not because I ruled it out - it just hasn’t happened yet). I don’t think I’d dump her differently than I would anyone else but I’d probably be much more sensitive to the differences during the dating process (thanks for the tips).
But as far as dumping goes, eh, I’m all for simple honesty. Anything else is …well, a little spineless.
That should say “themselves OR the other…”
Well, I have an inkling about why someone would choose a jerk-like dumping method — it’s all about the confrontation. No one likes it, almost everyone would rather chew their own arm off than be honest enough to dump someone properly.
I mean, what’s to like about this type of situation? When you’re dumped, you’re essentially being fired from the job of Significant Other. It takes a certain kind of person to either fire or weather being fired with grace and frankly, most of us (men and women alike) aren’t that kind of person. When we’re dumped we go nuts. And when we dump someone, we just want to go away, quickly.
Cowardly, spineless, whatever. Avoiding pain is a powerful instinct, just as the desire to pair-bond is. Apparently, that’s all this dumper-guy can do, act on instinct. Better to know that now, I say.
Jenny you’re right - confrontation is one of the most frightening things us little humans have to face. I have been guilty of all of these methods of dumping - hence my knowledge of them. I have learned though and since becoming a single mom - have always used the honesty route. I’m pretty proud of my evolution!
Random Esquire - hoo rah! You’re an honest man. Few and far between. But when you date a single mom… there’s another card I didn’t mention in this post - saying good bye to the children involved. I don’t even know how I will handle this in the future…b/c mine is still so young.
In this case - the guy used the “see ya later” approach combined with the “I still love you” approach and didn’t even say good bye to her daughter - after 11 months. Ugghh…sigh. And yes, Jenny, good she found out now and not later.
But this is something us single moms can’t forget…ever…if it ends…how will it end? Does he really love my children too? So complicated. Hence this blog and the reason behind it…trying to sort it all out.
I think Jenny hit the nail on the head with the confrontation issue. It strikes me as a reasonable, understandable reason why someone would want to avoid the entire issue - but I do also think it’s a lousy excuse. It makes sense - it just sucks.
I think wondering how/if it will end may be a human condition that, after just one difficult parting, haunts many of us.
Yeah, it does suck. And I know, for myself at least, the question of endings will always be there in the background. Indeed, it’s part of the body of relationship lessons I’ve learned as a single mom, so in a way, I hope that spectre never goes away.
Haunting - definitely. Fortunately most of my break ups have yet to leave anything too scarring. I usually get over it pretty quickly because I love being single too!
Yet another dumping, or…uh em, crash & burn scenario…
My first, out-of-the-gate gig in the early post separation days ended up being a freak show. I had only been separated a month or so, and I probably was not ready to date. But, it seemed like a better idea that staying home and crying into my son’s baby blanket.
I agreed to meet a man that I met online at a restaurant. He was tall, handsome and charming, and he swept me off of my feet. He was really romantic and he made me feel like a desirable woman again. We had wine, we danced, we alked, and well, you know…How could a girl resist?
Here’s where it gets good…
After a few dates, he asked me if I’d be interested in a threesome. I said, “No, sorry, that’s really not my bag.”
Then just like classic Jekyll and Hyde, he changed into a freak. He began to berate and demoralize me. Soon, I had to block him from e-mailing me., but before I did he told me, “Yeah…I’ve met and bedded at least 100 women from ‘fillintheblank.com.’ It was like taking candy…”
Ouch! I totally got played…Then I totally went to the OB/Gyn for a full STD panel.
Live & learn the hard way. That’s how I like it. Or, how I USED to like it…
I’ve been a full time single parent since Nov 2001, and dating can be great, and it can be hell.
There is a book called “Emotionally Unavailable” that is great for at least understanding why some people are as broken as they are, especially if you are feeling like it was your fault that the relationship went awry. There is a lot of good information in there either way though.
I had one relationship that ended nearly amicably. The others were pretty harsh, but in each case I have been the one to end it. There never is a good time or a good way…or maybe I just don’t have the knack, but when it gets to the point that for one reason or another I am not attracted to the person any more and I don’t see a future with them, I tell them my feelings and I tell them that we need to end the relationship. In each case they were the only person I was involved with, my attention was all on them, but it just wasn’t working out. I didn’t leave anyone to pursue someone else, they just were not the right people. Regardless, they are usually pretty angry about it and I hear from them and their friends (which never know the whole story mind you).
There was one woman that I adored from the moment I first started talking to her, and I still do (even though we don’t talk anymore). We dated twice, the first time for nine months, the second for eighteen. Both breakups were hard, but she lied, cheated, and manipulated me both times…The problem was that I didn’t realize all of that until the end the second time. I thought the first time was all my fault because I didn’t make enough money, was paying off a large debt from my marriage, not getting any child support (and still don’t), and continuing my education. I still don’t know the whole story, never will, but I know enough to stay away from her no matter what I feel from now on.
I”m learning to find the balance between what I need to do for my son, what I need to do for me, what I need to do for my girlfriend, and what I need to do for my friends, family, etc. It isn’t easy.
Hi, love this topic. Last year I was dumped by my “serious” boyfriend of a year by the “Sabatoge”. And come to think of it after we broke up with me he refused speak to me and give me insights into what went wrong. Anyways…it was the most painful breakup I’ve had in my life and Im 28, I’ve had several relationships. For anyone that is reading this, please DO NOT EVER use this tactic. It causes much turmoil and trauma and removes the possibility of ever being civil with the person. I just had to go to a wedding where this ex was and it was so miserable and awkward….I cant even look the guy in the eye.