I LOVE being a single mom.

by mssinglemama on January 19, 2008

Yes, there are downsides to being a single mom.

We have to cook every meal, change every diaper, deal with every tantrum and clean every room – every day, 365 days a year. But I absolutely love being a single mom. Why? Because I’m happy. I don’t really know how to explain it but I’ll try…this no husband thing really isn’t that bad.

Here’s my single moms have everything checklist:

1. Kid

2. House

3. Food

4. Job

5. Reliable babysitter

6. Happiness

What am I missing? Hmmmm…. oh yeah, a man. Oh yeah…

7. Cute, adorable boyfriend who treats you like queen but doesn’t get in your way (this part is a bit risky sooo….)

8. Good judgement (go with the nerds).

So, why not just enjoy it?

There are so many married women right now, out there working their asses off, taking care of their kids AND taking care of their husbands. Call me a man-hater, but imagine convincing a single mom to trade or risk this – contentment, resolve and freedom – for you.

Are you happy being a single mom? Do you even want to get married again?

****UPDATE **** and for the record.

I’m not sure if I want to get married again, because I don’t have time to think about it. Please read some very interesting comments below between Jim and Dad’s House – two single fathers raising some very serious issues to this post. I don’t mean to gloat in my single parenthood. Just trying to make the best of the hand Benjamin and I were dealt. And in my opinion, compared to being with my ex-husband, it’s a fine hand.

Related posts:

  1. Can single moms really “fall in love”?
  2. Why I am a single mother.
  3. Am I Single Mother By Choice?
  4. Being a Single Mom With a Glass Half Full
  5. Single Mom Night Out

{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

kristianoye January 19, 2008 at 11:12 pm

I cannot speak as to being a single mom as I am, after all, a man. But I can imagine being single and taking care of your child (or children) and having that feeling of fulfillment.

I do have to take issue with your comment about men and mops, though ;-) Before my wife left me and took our child our of state, I was the soul provider in the house and my wife stayed at home with the kids. My mother-in-law and father-in-law lived with us because they could not afford a place and despite my working 45-50 hours a week and driving 2 hours a day, I did all of the cooking, cleaning, most of the shopping, and taking care of the kids once I got home. My weekends were spent doing the larger chores: mopping the floors, catching up on the mountain of laundry, etc.

Granted my wife has Graves’ Disease and she was physically weak, but just rinsing her plate off after lunch and sticking it in the dishwasher would have been a small token of appreciation for me.

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Jenny January 20, 2008 at 1:26 am

Just found your blog through Google, and have really enjoyed your posts — great work and keep ‘em coming!

I also wanted to comment on the points about being a single mom and “men and marriage”:

In large part I find myself agreeing with you. I’m a single mom of 7 years (9yo girl), and I’m really not sure what I’d do if I didn’t have my daughter. Sometimes being a single mom (or just a parent, really) is taxing and vexing, but overall I’m quite happy being one.

As for considering ever getting married again, I have to say “Hell No.” Mind you, I’m not exactly entertaining constant proposals or anything. But still, marriage is an inherently inequitable institution, in my view. Our culture plants too many unhealthy assumptions and expectations about what marriage is or should be, and what husbands and wives should be or should do. And too, it’s awfully hard to go back to something you fought so hard to get out of, even if it’s hand-in-hand with someone who adores you. Marriage isn’t an entirely alien concept to me, no. It’s just a sub-optimal mode of living one’s life.

Regarding “why bother with men” — as much as I’d love to deny it, the reality is the majority of men aren’t worth bothering with. Our culture does not place a premium on ensuring men have a happy balance between their yin and yang aspects. Our culture also does not encourage men to civilize themselves in any way. Instead, brutish, uncultured men are glorified, whether on the football field, the living room couch, or the boardroom. Indeed, it’s glorified to the point that we accept it as fact and expect men everywhere to behave poorly. And so they do, thus fulfilling our expectation and turning a tasteless joke into a social reflection. Granted, that seems to be changing as more Gen Y men make themselves known. But that doesn’t do much for little ole Gen X me.

Like you, I rail against being a single mom at times — especially when I think about money. I weary of being on high alert whenever we venture outdoors (stranger danger and whatnot). I’m tired of being a conceptual target of the religious right and activist fathers. And I’m really tired of married moms looking at me with a mixture of awe and pity as they say “I don’t know how you do it.”

But at the same time, I thrive on being the social rule breaker — the one who always has to think out of the box in order to get stuff done and live life. The one who knows better than most what our culture is selling (wrt relationships and marriage) and consistently rejects it, loudly.

So yes, it all ebbs and flows — just like everything does. Some days are great, some are downright crappy. But always there is the feeling of not wanting anything else than to be single and a mom to a glorious child.

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janaemarie November 4, 2010 at 12:33 am

Hey, I know you might have posted this a while back. But you seem to be a very strong person. I myself is tired of women (single moms) getting bad raps. I feel like society always blames the woman. “She should’ve never had sex with him.” But some men are just animals; like bees, planting their seeds everywhere. I found out my soon to be child’s father had a child by his ex AFTER (I do mean AFTER) I got pregnant. SO I was DECEIVED to believe that he had no children. I thought my child would be his first. I wanted to be the one who gave him a child. (pretty stupid right?!) But then after she took him to court, he said that he would not claim her child (he didn’t want anything to do with her or the child). SOOOOOOO the chances for him claiming and taking care of mine are slim to none. Plus, his excuse was, “I thought she got an abortion.” WOW! Now he wants me to get one. WOW!!! I’m tired of men screaming that they were trapped, you weren’t trapped, be smart, but it’s not fair for a man to KEEP making babies and forcing a woman to abort. That’s not fair to the woman.

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janaemarie November 4, 2010 at 12:38 am

When I say I found out after I mean; the child was already born. The child is now 1yrs old. He told me he had another child in the world AFTER I found out I was pregnant with his second child. I told you I felt DECEIVED because he told me he didn’t have children. He said, he thought she aborted but she didn’t. I asked several times, but ppl lie and things happens. So, hey what can I do.

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mssinglemama January 20, 2008 at 1:56 am

To Kristian – sounds like you were a husband worth keeping! A man so many women would have appreciated…I’m so sorry she took your kids out of state. I can’t imagine. And to all of the single fathers who play an active lives in their children’s lives, love them and cherish them I feel for you. I think the love of a parent transcendes sex. My son’s father loves him – but is less “active” in his life than a father should be. I would kill for an ex-husband who would fight for more time with his child. In fact, I can say with certainty that if my ex were more involved or would have been – I may not be a single mother. I just know – by his lack of involvement now that I made the right decision.

To Jenny – wow! What an amazing comment. I can tell you’ve read a lot of my posts and understand where I’m coming from. I love what you’re saying about what society has come to expect from men. And I think a lot of men are lost…trying to be themselves but feeling like they have to behave a certain way because they’re expected to.

This question of marriage is a huge one in my mind right now. Just tonight my friend and I were discussing this. She has been with her boyfriend for five years and they have a daughter – but for her – marriage just seems unnecessary. “Why add that stress of permanancy to our relationship?” If it ain’t broke – don’t fix it.

And your comment about “I don’t know how you do it?” Right on! I look at so many married women when they say that and say, “No, I don’t know how you do it.” Well, usually I don’t say that out loud. The other day a married woman said that to me and I laughed and said – the only thing I miss is not having someone to yell at. It was a funny joke – but seriously – that’s the only thing I don’t have – someone to yell at. Ha. Love it. Thanks for your great comment! So insightful.

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kristianoye January 20, 2008 at 3:26 am

Thanks. I would like to think I am worth keeping, too. I have never raised a hand at my wife and I try and be nothing but supportive in everything she does. I really hope that she comes back to me after she’s had her time to think things over, but at the same time I don’t want to get my hopes up too much.

I already have a number of… suitors… telling me how great we would be together, etc, but I still wear my ring and I am still true to my vows. Maybe I appeared too weak? There definitely is a fine line between overbearing and overly passive. The only time I really asserted myself is when I discovered she was visiting an old flame behind my back and I told her she needed to cut all contact with him or I would divorce her (I was okay with them talking on the phone, but visiting without me present was not acceptable in my book).

As for marriage, well, I still believe in it and what it stands for: A symbol of ultimate commitment to a relationship and I don’t think that it needs to be complicated in any way, shape, or form (even if people make it out as such).

Anyway. I will continue to read your words as I enjoy most of them. I am sorry that there are so many dishonorable and/or negligent men in the world, but I would definitely like to think I am not one of them.

Oh, yeah, and the reason I responded at all: I was wondering why it had been so long since your son’s father had visitation (e.g. was it by his choice or a court’s). I felt like my soul had been ripped from my body the first day I was apart from Kristin and I can’t wait to see her again. I talk to her on the phone every day, but at 18 months, she gets bored with the phone pretty quick and always hands it back to her mom :(

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kristianoye January 20, 2008 at 3:31 am

Oh, weird, I just realized my name links back to my personal web page (way out of date) and not my kristianoye.wordpress.com address. D’oh!

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mssinglemama January 20, 2008 at 3:39 am

That is weird…might have been logged in under a different name or something. Everyone take note and check out Kristian’s blog!

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Single Ma January 20, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Fellow single mom here and just wanted to let you know that I love this post!!

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Paperspoons January 20, 2008 at 11:01 pm

Single mothering can be very very hard. But, I would never go back to being married to someone I couldn’t parent with just for the sake of not being a single mom. I think some Moms feel forced to stay in marriges they are unhappy in because they don’t want to deal with how others will percieve them. Me, I don’t care what anyone has to say about my marital status.

Single Moms Rock!

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Gayle January 21, 2008 at 8:48 pm

I agree with your post 100%. I came from a marriage where I paid 50% of all bills when I worked, and contributed 100% time & effort for housecleaning, cooking, laundry, groundskeeping, childcare. He worked less hours than me. Husband barely lifted a finger unless someone from outside the home was watching. Then he put on a show of being the “perfect” involved spouse & dad.

Yes, I get child support & make good $$ on my own, so money is not a struggle. I make all the decisions, it flows on me & daughter’s schedule & not controlling spouse’s. Yes, there are times I wish I had a helper around, but in the grand scheme of it all, I think in my situation it’s EASIER doing it alone that it was in the marriage.

I don’t have to get upset that I’m not getting help. I don’t have to beg for help, humiliate myself & degrade my abilities just to prove I’d like a couple hours alone.

I still believe in love & marriage, and want that again for myself…I also wonder if the Marriage part is even necessary. Personally, I have plenty of sane & grounded male figures in my and my daughter’s life…so an in-house father/spouse is not really a requirement for me & my daughter considering the support & love we get from trusted family & friends.

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ana.biosis January 23, 2008 at 9:30 pm

I just somehow meandered onto your blog, I haven’t read much, but I have to say:

I haven’t been married. I was engaged. Unengaged. Pregnant, and very single.

As a matter of fact, I have a boyfriend, who talks about marriage, but to be honest, I like my life. I am not sure if marriage is something I want. Some days I do, and some days I find myself saying, “If boyfriend and I were to break up…. I have no interest in being in a committed relatioship…none.”

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Crazy Computer Dad January 24, 2008 at 1:48 am

:-) I came over here from singlemomseeking….

Hmmmm. I think it is dangerous as a culture to be so divided about gender. Honestly, I can introduce you to women that would fit just about every stereotype of man that you could collectively come up with. Mostly the negative stereotypes boil down to selfishness, and selfishness knows no bounds regardless of gender.

I have a special needs child and dealing with that on a daily basis by myself is exhausting. Even so, I get up thinking almost every day each day will be a good day for him and for me. Sometimes that doesn’t last long, and sometimes I am pleasantly surprised.

I used to think that I would want to get married again and be a part of a bustling energetic family, but after a few relationships gone south, I am not in any hurry at this point. I am resigned to following my bliss and expect to be pleasantly surprised if I find someone that is on the same journeys as I. It definitely seems that it is better that way than trying to force something together.

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ClaudiaS February 29, 2008 at 11:05 pm

Does anyone on this site have the issue of contemplating whether to tell the father of the baby that you are expecting? I am in that situation right now and am torn whether to tell him.
In the end this is a very selfish society, mostly men’s selfishness and no consideration for any feelings of anyone. Very Controlling, but if i do tell the father , it will be me controlling the situation . His excuse for not being with me, dating, bars, meeting friends and family has been that he has to take care of things such as college and his new career. So I would be causing him more stress and things to worry about. Or would I? Would he be so selfish that he as some men never contact me nor the child? Should I care what he thinks?

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mssinglemama March 1, 2008 at 1:09 am

To everyone! What fantastic comments…I haven’t checked in on this post for a while…and I am just so thrilled with all of these amazing comments. We really do have our heads on straight … more so than so many of those single childless people… or the weird married people. : )

Claudia – this is a tough one…and such a good question. Some of us, I know I’m one of them, have moments where I wish his father was completely out of the picture. But, he’s his father… but, yes, given that you aren’t even together and he has his own life…it of course, would be easier for him to “never know.” But life isn’t easy. I am going to pose this question to everyone with its very own post. I’m assuming we’ll get a lot of differing opinions…

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christy March 11, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Wow, I love this post. Simply because it’s the first time I’ve heard someone say its actually easier to be without a man than with one. Money , we all need it so we think its easier to torture ourselves emotionally in order to have a two income household or stay home with the kids. (i think your kids will be happy if mommys working and happy rather than mommy being home and sad. I ‘m married, unhappily I suppose and fantasize of being a single mother. My husband only causes me more heartache than good anyway and I’d much rather deal with financial and job issues than this kind of emotional torture. I don’t want to harp on all men because there are some like the one in the previous post that seem pretty great but I myself haven’t seen them in reality. My experience when men are involved has always been bad. You just end up with twice the work and twice the heartache while they sit back a expect you to do what in there eyes is the “womans job” and then they still have to feel as if they are somehow above you. Most (at least from what they’ve shown me anyway) couldn’t do near as much as women do yet they think they’re somehow better. who needs them. I’m ready to step up and get a freakin’ job for crying out loud. This marriage and housewife stuff is for the birds. I want my life back. I feel giddy with excitement thinking about it despite my worries of starting over and stepping off into the unknown. Thinking of being in this situation I’m in any longer just dampens my spirits. Sucks the life right out of me. I hear so many women are afraid to get out on there own but I don’t think it’s any worse than staying in a bad relationship. At least you don’t have a man in your hair making it tougher. Thats the way I see it. Dealing with life and kids in general is enough, if that man in my life can’t be an adult and not burden me more….see ya buddy. Besides if they(men want to hold on to old fashion values why don’t they hold on to the ideal that they’re suppose to be there for and protect the women and children. Instead they choose to hold on to the ideals of its the womans job to cook and clean my dirty undies….they hold on to the ones that serve there own needs..)I find it scary to depend on a man completly….no way…..I’ll take care of myself, thankyou very much.

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chris gregory March 13, 2008 at 6:20 pm

i am currently in the middle of getting divorced from a man that is my best friend, but the worst husband for me and the comments i’ve seen posted really reflect how i feel and see things.

before we decided to divorce i felt like i was basically a single mother of three children (3 1/2, 1 1/2, and 40) and i noticed that when the hubby was out of town everything ran so much smoother even though it was me handling everything (including 6 dogs and a cat). now people look at me with pity and say oh, it’s going to be so hard for you as a single mom – i try to put on a straight face, but when this happened today at the bank when working on some financial issues i actually started cracking up! i told them that i’m a single mom now (i run the house hold with the exception of mowing the lawn – he thinks i’ll break the lawnmower) and the funny thing was one of the ladies (obviously married) knew exactly what i was talking about and her pity face turned into an almost jealous face.

i don’t hate my husband, i just can’t take care of him anymore, nor can i afford him. he doesn’t hate me, he just needs to live on his own and he knows that he needs to grow up and stop using me as a crutch. we’re best friends and that’s all we’ve been for a long time.

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dadshouse March 14, 2008 at 4:09 pm

I’m sorry you ended up taking care of a kid AND a husband. Please don’t hate on all men. It’s not like that in every marriage. A lot of men contribute around the house. A lot of men don’t need babying. And in divorce, there are some single dads who run a household, take care of the kids, stay involved. We’re not all brutes who need a “mom”/girlfriend to take care of us!

That said, for all the women who got the short end of a really bad relationship, my heart goes out to you. You deserve peace, love, and happiness!

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chris gregory March 17, 2008 at 5:49 pm

don’t worry i don’t hate on all men or even the father of my children. i know that there are amazing single dads out there that don’t need a mom/wife and that there are horrible single moms – sad to say, but it’s true (one of my relatives would definitely be one). i think all single parents moms/dads deserve peace, love and happiness! raising kids is hard work, but the pay off in the end makes it all worth it!

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dadshouse March 17, 2008 at 7:29 pm

Chris- my “dont’ hate on men” comment wasn’t directed at you, it was toward the undercurrent of discontent I read in all the replies to this post. I’m glad you agree that there are men who do not need to be babied or taken care of! That doesn’t mean we don’t need a woman – far from it. I’d love a sexy, fun, confident, sweet woman in my life. Feminine energy is amazing.

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mssinglemama March 17, 2008 at 11:12 pm

I definitely don’t hate men either. I used the line “call me a man-hater” b/c I figured some people might after reading my post. I LOVE men. Believe me. I just think having a husband is a bit overrated. There’s so much telling us all to “get married and live happily ever after” when for someone like myself – marriage is way scarier than being on my own.

Thanks for the great comments and the lively discussion!

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chris gregory March 18, 2008 at 3:35 pm

dadshouse – i didn’t really think the “don’t hate on men” comment was necessarily directed at me. there might be some “hating on men” type undercurrents on here, but it is a single mom site and some guys do make women hostile. i don’t hate you guys, but sometimes i don’t like you very much. male energy is great as long as it’s not the needy baby type energy. wish there were more guys like some of the ones on here – responsible, adult, appreciative of women, etc…

btw: i work in a male dominated profession and a lot of the needy baby type behavior that i get from my children’s father is also experienced at work. i can’t tell you how many times one of the guys has come in my office to inform me that the printer is low on ink (wow! really? that’s so cool!). seriously, why can’t they just put an ink cartridge in it? i’m not a secretary, and i really can’t help it of the ink fairy didn’t come. sorry for the rant i’m a little grouchy today. we had a potty training accident at 5:30am and my little princess was so devastated that we had to watch cartoons till it was time to get ready for school.

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Jim March 18, 2008 at 6:19 pm

Maybe I’ll get flamed for this, but I’ll say it anyway: Kids should have both a mom and a dad to raise them, even if one, or both of them aren’t their “natural” parents (I’ve adopted). I’m not for this “It’s great/better to be a single mom (parent) stuff. Currently I’m a dad who gets his kids 1/2 the time, and it tears me up that my boys are being raised without a mom and dad in the same house, working together to raise them. But she wanted her freedom, and I guess that’s another story.
The point is, my children will not have the same advantages as children with two loving parents who stay together. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m divorced. I know that a lot of you, like me, found out that the person they loved was not who they thought they were, or they changed into something else along the way. We can’t help that. I’m not proud to be a single dad. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be.

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dadshouse March 19, 2008 at 7:13 pm

That’s a tough one Jim put out there – I can see pluses/minuses to both sides. I have adult friends who were raised solely by their mom, and they admittedly have trust issues with men now. On the other hand, if a divorced mom and dad have shared custody, should the mom’s boyfriend have equal say as the dad? (or the dad’s girlfriend carry the same weight as the mom?) I don’t think so, but I know it’s sometimes an issue. My ex’s boyfriend does not exercise the same values and judgement as me when he’s around my kids, and that bothers me.

I love being a single dad, but I also wish I was showing my kids what a loving adult relationship looks like. Still, I’m showing them other things like patience, self-reliance, acceptance, love. I try to be happy and grateful for what I have, rather than bemoan what I lack or lost.

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Jim March 20, 2008 at 12:12 am

Well, ‘bemoaning’ though I may be…
…I read how a lot of people who have posted here are they, themselves, happy to be a single parent. It makes them happy. To be single. They, the parent.

…what about the child? Are they happy about it? To read these posts, I think most of the children discussed are very young and have no concept of ‘dads’ or ‘marriage’ or any issues like that. But they’ll grow up. And have questions. And maybe they’ll be confused, and conflicted. Or maybe they’ll turn out just fine.

Look, maybe you’ve all been married to jerks, and so maybe you are quite right not to be with that person, who happens to be the other parent of your child. It’s a situation we’re all in, or we probably wouldn’t be posting here! I’m just saying that I, personally, don’t exalt in single parenthood, and -yes- I’m kinda bothered by those who do.

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dadshouse March 20, 2008 at 1:10 am

We all have our own opinions. I personally think it’s great that all these single parents feel good about being single. Maybe they went through rough times and came out stronger. As for my ex, she was not a jerk. I was married 9 years, divorced for 8, and I’m happier and more at peace now than I’ve ever been. The reason? I’ve changed a lot over the years, and changed my life perspective. Would I be as happy and at peace in a couple? Maybe. Are my kids suffering? No – they are happy and well adjusted. Teachers and coaches and other parents often comment that you can’t tell my kids live in two homes. Some other familes in our neighborhood have both parents at home and the kids are unahappy and maladjusted. Every situation is different.

I say if you love being a single parent right now, that’s great. Keep feeling good.

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mssinglemama March 20, 2008 at 3:22 am

Jim … I would give everything to have married a man like you – one who is so torn by not being able to see his kids 100% of the time. Which is exactly why I am a single parent. My son’s father has him for 36 hours a week – but usually cuts that time short and NEVER calls during the week to check in. He loves his son, I know this. But he was an awful husband, it was an awful match. But we got Benjamin out of it.

I was raised by two parents who were madly in love with each other. My father died when I was 21 and my mother is still putting the pieces back together. Despite losing him and despite watching my mother in all of this pain for 9 years…I would never trade my childhood for anything.

I want my son to have that. I want him to see two people in love. I have known so many men, so many women who were raised in loveless marriages and believe me – they have issues.

I do not mean to exhault my single parenthood … I am trying to make the best of a bad hand delt to me…trying to look on the bright side and to believe that one day I will find someone like my father who will love myself and my son – until I find that man – I am going to make the best of being a single parent. And be happy. Because that – at the end of the day – is what will make Benjamin happy.

I am not proud that I’m divorced. But I am a very, very proud mother because I have raised him – thus far – solely on my own with very, very little help from his father.

I realize that there are so many torn households and it breaks my heart. I often hear of friends divorcing for what seems like irrational reasons. Mine were very rational and I really had no choice because he gave me none.

Most of the single women in this community – are single because their men left them or failed them in incredible ways. We were not given a choice and we are making the best of our situations.

Thanks for your input and I do hear your points – they are very good ones. A two parent household may be the best for some children – but not for mine because his father and I together… now that really would have fucked him up.

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Debra March 20, 2008 at 12:22 pm

I stumbled across both this blog, and dadshouse a few weeks ago while trying to figure out the single Dads who are now a part of my life as a divorced Mom back in the dating pool for the first time since my 20’s (before 9 yrs of marriage). The strength, insights, humor and encouragement I find on the single moms’ blogs helps to reinforce the attitude which I try to maintain, which is very similar to mssinglemama’s; you’ve got to make the best of the hand you have been dealt in order to maintain the most positive, nurturing, loving environment for your child. I have to agree with a little bit of what several of you here are saying. There are definitely benefits to being a single parent, especially if you’ve got an ounce of need to control things (trying to avoid characterizing myself as a control-freak! ;) , it is easier to just take care of it all yourself. But this benefit is only a benefit to me….not to my son. The greatest thing lacking in his life is not a father, he has a pretty good one, (who does his best to be a good father and stays very involved), but the fact that he does not live in a home with an example of how a family works together to overcome the challenges of everyday life, to become stronger, more well adjusted people. I’m happy my son’s life in my home is peaceful, and I’m proud that I’ve created that for him after a couple of years of a less than peaceful marriage, but I think as he gets older (he’s 6 now), it’s going to be important for him to live in an environment that has a little healthy conflict, to learn about resolving it respectfully. So, will I get married again, I certainly hope so. I read dadshouse to remind myself that there are single fathers out there that have the same values I do in regard to parenting, but as important as that, that those fathers are also the kind of men that I want in my life for my own happiness. I’m cautiously optimistic that it will someday be in the cards for me to have the same peaceful, loving, positive, calm home with a man who values the same for himself and his child(ren).

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chris gregory March 20, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Jim – i don’t think that most of the people on here really intended to be single parents, but due to circumstances they are. i think they are just trying to convey the message that it’s okay and you can actually be happy as a single parent. well, that’s how i feel. i didn’t want to be a single parent, but even before the divorce process i was. i’ve been married to a man-child for 11 years. that is the problem. he’s become very selfish and everything has to revolve around him. prior to having kids it wasn’t bad (normal levels of selfishness) , but it seems that after having children his selfishness escalated to the point that the stress levels in the household are through the roof and it does effect my children. since the babies he’s gotten credit cards behind my back and maxed them out to the tune of $60K, had a fling or two with girls that have fathers his age, and done everything possible to avoid being with his children. what kind of father is that? why would i or my children be happier living with someone like that? i know that i said he’s my best friend and that is only because of the children and i feel that i need to have that type of attitude for my kids (it is difficult though – very difficult). also remember we’ve been married 11 years and he wasn’t always this way. i still remember the person that i originally fell in love with before the mid-life crisis.

when i say i love being a single mom i mean that i love the fact that i can function as a single mom and i don’t have to depend on my children’s father. i love the the fact that i’ve had the strength to hold it together for many years and the strength to walk away when the situation became unbearable. i love the fact that i’m able to single handedly provide my children with a roof over their heads and be a responsible adult role model.

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Dawn March 22, 2008 at 4:21 am

Ugh..I just got to this entry, well actually not this entry but to the comments, a little late but I wanted to comment.

First…Claudia, if you are still reading this..check out my blog, and contact me. Id be happy to chat with you about this…

Second, regarding the whole there has to be two parent thought process. My daughter was not born in a marriage, no it wasnt a smart thing..and yes it is better to have two parents, however, I get frustrated by those who seem to have it set in their heads that there has to be two parents for a child to be happy.

Though my daughter is only 2…she is very happy right now.(This may change as she gets older..who knows). Does this mean that she is doomed to have a horrible life because she has no male “father” in her life? Nope. She has a loving uncle and grandfather who are very much involved in her life. Her father was a heavy pot smoker, and smoked pot in front of his 2 kids from his marriage. I refused to allow my child grow up in this arena.(When she was conceived..he swore that his pot smoking days were over). Not only was his drug issue a problem, but he was making very little money, and barely supported himself and his children already. He had his kids 50% of the time, so no child support was ordered, however he wouldnt have been able to pay much anyways…UGHH I digress..

Though it is IDEAL that a child be raised by two parents, it is not dooming them to a life full of issues. It is possible for a child to grow up happy being raised in a single parent household(whether it be father or mother). As long as issues are dealt with, instead of being pushed under the rug.

I often wonder if those who feel that it is so necessary to have a two parent household feel that I should have had an abortion, or give her up for adoption. Financially, yeah that would have been a “richer” option, but I could NEVER live with myself not having my beautiful daughter in my life.

As far as men..yeah at one time I went through the whole…I do not want anything to do with men again time, but I think many single men went through the same thought process about women. Would I love to be in a relationship that is loving and a good role model for my daughter..Definetly…Will I settle just for that reason? Heck no.

I will say that it seems to me…that most single men who actually take great interest in their child’s life(such as dadshouse)are the best men to be in relationship with. Those men are the ones that seem to be the good ones usually. The ones that dont take interest in their child’s life…usually are the husbands who need a wife babysitter combination. Just my thought.

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modernsinglemomma June 21, 2008 at 12:50 am

To think, we didn’t know each other back in January but we were/are such on the same wavelength is crazy!
So happy I met my single mama soul mate =)
This post is awesome and I think we should have you write a version of it for the magazine and do a recap of all the great comments in the too. Lots of great quotes for an inspiring side-bar!!! You are my idol, Alaina. ;)

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Sara Stanford July 7, 2008 at 6:14 am

We all love being a single momma especially when we get a good gossip on. I’m happy being single at the moment and have no time for men and there games.

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Emily January 31, 2009 at 7:18 am

Just recently single. In fact not divorced quite yet. After 7 years of marriage to a man that I supported and took care of and took more time away from me then my kids ever have,
I came from work to find him drunk and gambling away my paycheck that I had just gotten that day. I tolds him to leave, he left me with bills to pay and $.42 in the checking account. I will never forget that number.
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to make it on my own with my 3 kids, but I have to try, I’m going to move into my dad’s basement and regroup for a year or so. Wish me luck. It’s gotta be better than being married to someone that drains all the good out of me everyday and leaves me with $.42.

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Lauren February 2, 2009 at 2:11 pm

I love this post… is anyone still following it? I have a very different situation in which my boyfriend and father of my child (due Aug 15th), smothers me to the point where I dont want to be around him at all! He has no identity of his own, no hobbies, nothing and he follows me around like a puppy! I’m trying to work on this with him but he doesnt understand the concept of a relationship with independence… its turned me off to him sooo much. Im not attracted or in love anymore. And, Im freaking out about the possiblilty of being a single mom (even though i know he will help), when the child is born…

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Dawn February 2, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Let’s call your boyfriend ‘dedicated’ … I don’t know how old he is but I do know the cut off age for puppies.

Be specific in your requests. Be firm. (i.e.: When the door is closed to my room, please knock and wait for my response.)

Respect is BIG. Ask for it, draw your lines. (not in sand)

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Lauren February 3, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Good advice. But I dont feel like I want to have to be that way with someone, it causes more stress and spent energy on something that I feel like I shouldn't have to do, you know? I guess right now I just see living without him as the only door to relief and I am grasping at it! But there is so much more involved. :(

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Ms. Single Mama February 3, 2009 at 7:37 pm

Lauren – don't make any rash decisions right now… you could also be feeling unattracted and completely annoyed to him right now b/c you're pregnant.

I know you may want to punch me for saying that but leaving a man while pregnant may be tough. I did when my son was just 4 months old … I just hope you exhaust all options before making this decision.

Being a single mom is fantastic but it's not easy.

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MorseMusings February 3, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Would it be outlandish to suggest you already know what to do and to look more deeply at what's right for you. The need for attention, approval or love do play a part at these kinds of crossroads … you can distinguish the differences any time you choose.

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Lauren February 4, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Well I am going to stay at my dads for awhile, although its a commute to work. Perhaps in a few months we can work this out if i realize its just hormones. But I feel fine. We havent been together very long, known each other for 4 years but only together 3 months before I got pregnant and lived together 1 month of that. Which, is my fault too. We thought we knew eachother well enough and rushed it. Bad idea.

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Lauren February 5, 2009 at 6:01 pm

Well we talked last ngiht and we were able to boil it down to the fact that I am not attracted to his sensitivity. For instance, he says how he’s lonely if I dont text him during the day and that “sometimes he needs to be held and told that everything is going to be alright”. To me, and maybe this is stereotypical, but all of that’s just weird. I am so not attracted to a guy who needs that kind of reassurance, emotionally. I mean, once in awhile if there’s like a tragedy or something but I feel like I am more attracted to a man that has the feelings of, well, a man… does that make sense to you guys?

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Nicole February 9, 2009 at 10:54 pm

I wish my boyrfriend would help more around the house because he wants to not beacuse I ask (tell) him to!! He keeps his fishing tackle and hunting stuff soooo organized…but when it comes to everyday household chores…he could care less, he thinks that household chores is only doing the dishes….but when he misses the toilet…who cleans that up??? I do. I have to ask/tell him to give our son a bath. Asking him more than once turns into telling him.

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Nicole February 9, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Yes he works, I go to school twice a week and stay home with our baby, but that doesn't mean he should just come home, do what he wants to with what interests him and barely hold a conversation with me about anything..unless it is fishing and hunting. He works a night job and stays up late to drink beer every other night. I don't know when he crawls into bed, but we never really go to bed at the same time everynight. I love him, but we are drifting apart and I feel that since we have a son together we should stay together. I've told him before that I am unhappy and that I would like us to be more involved with one another as a family…but I really don't see him putting in much effort. I am 22, he is in his 30's. I want to keep a budget, he could care less about keeping track of the money. We have different beliefs in the world. I would have no place to go if we broke up. No money unless I lived with my parents…and that is the last thing I want to do. Being a single sounds nice.

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Lauren February 17, 2009 at 11:56 pm

Just thought I'd let you guys know that it was all pregnancy hormones… I cant believe how real it seemed!!! But I commend you all for succeeding as single parents, just the thought of having to do it alone was terifying. Best of luck to you all.

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Melissa April 22, 2009 at 9:35 pm

Lauren,
How did you just decide it was all hormones in a week? 10weeks ago you wanted out, and then 9 weeks ago it was all peachy!?! Is that the hormones too? Yikes, what a roller coaster you must be on!! I will tell you just as the rest of us will, being a single mommy aint all its cracked up to be!! I've been at it for 5 years, and I still have moments where the world is crumbling and I just wish….just once…that someone would help out. With anything. ANYTHING!! Think before you act! If being overly sensitive is an issue for you, think about all the rest of us on the other side of the spectrum…where the heck are all the men with emotions? ugh, no one is perfect, but if thats your biggest complaint….I wish I was you.

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Sara September 13, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Wow! I am new to your blog and I am so happy to find some ladies to commiserate with! I was never married to my daughter’s father, but at 33 and discovering I was preggo, I felt that I was ready to be a mother. Miss A is two now and has made me a better woman in so many profound ways. It ain’t always easy, but given the choice, I would do it this way again. The funny thing is, is that I am very close to BD’s mother, who was also a single mom, and loves being a grandmother. I have discovered the resolve that I needed to do this through so many strong and intelligent women who have gone it alone. The only thing I miss is sex, but, I am so completely happy and fulfilled, that it’s sort of an afterthought. : )

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Lindsay Fuller March 30, 2010 at 4:46 pm

You know, I wouldn’t trade what I decided for anything in the world. I opted to cut the cord of my 3 1/2 year long relationship with my daughter’s father last summer *after* he bought a house for us all to live in. I do feel bad that I allowed our relationship to go on for as long as it did. I kept telling myself that if I just stuck it out, that things would change – HE would change. He’s a nice guy, he really is, but he is completely clueless. I put out so much effort in our relationship, hoping that he’d step his game up and be the partner I needed him to be – and be the father that our daughter needed him to be. While I know he loves her, I always felt that it was out of obligation.

The best decision I ever made was leaving. I even tried to stay in the same house and make our unfortunate situation a little more livable while I tried to get on my feet, but his hurt – over our break up – started taking a toll on my life. He eventually just started being… mean. I manned up and told my parent’s I was coming home for a while. They luckily were there waiting, with open arms.

My daughter is my entire world. She is the reason I’m alive, the reason I want to make my life better, the reason I am ME. I wouldn’t trade this life for any other life – especially one where I was forcing something that just wasn’t there any more. I’m finally happy, I have less stress then I’ve had in YEARS and I’m finally at a point where I know that I am the only person that can take care of us. I can’t rely on anyone else.

So yes, I love being single as well. The last thing on my mind right now is a man, because quite honestly, I don’t NEED one. I don’t NEED a man, like I NEED my daughter and her happiness. Now, if one comes along… I won’t be blind. I’ll definitely have open arms and and open heart.

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nicole December 29, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Major Cable Network seeking women (25-50) who have been married multiple times for new docu-series!
15 million Americans have been married 3 times or more. This exciting new docu-series will focus on the most fascinating personalities from the world of multiple marriages!
Are you or do you know someone who:
Has been married 3, 4, 5 times or more?
Is juggling a crazy life with ex-husbands, kids from different
marriages and still trying to find Mr. Right?
Says “yes” to marriage proposals far too easily?
Puts career ahead of marriage and husband #4 just walked out?
Is addicted to the thrill of the Big Day?
Gets married the way most people date?
Has had just plain bad luck with marriages?
Married too young and too often?
Been marrying up and aren’t finished yet?

If so we would love to hear from you! We want to hear YOUR story and all about your life. If selected, you will be featured in this fascinating new docu-series!

- All candidates must have been married 3 or more times
- Must be currently single ( dating someone, in a relationship, going through a divorce or currently engaged is OK)
- Must be between 25 and 50 years old
- Should have a great high energy personality and interesting life!

Please email us @ bridescasting@gmail.com
Please include a current photo and
Name:
Age:
City and State:
Occupation:
Current marital status: (i.e. going through divorce; single; engaged etc.)
Do you have children?
If yes, please give us the age of each.

Please let us know the occupations of each of your ex-husbands.

Briefly tell us your multiple marriages story including how each marriage started and ended and why.

Also please describe your current day to day life.

We look forward to hearing from you!

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Hailey DeVry July 22, 2013 at 11:29 am

Nadya Suleman, the California single mom who this year added octuplets to her existing brood of six children, topped the worst celebrity neighbor poll with 17 percent of votes.

But we are small and you are great, and we know that you can do so much more.Yet you are Love incarnate and therein is your great strength.

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anizajordan025 January 2, 2014 at 9:24 am

I think. You just end up with twice the work and twice the heartache while they sit back a expect you to do what in there eyes is the “womans job” and then they still have to feel as if they are somehow above you.

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Brandy July 23, 2014 at 3:05 pm

I have never left a comment on any blog before. I was divorced about a year ago and recently started dating. Had no idea what I was getting into at all. YIKES!!!!!!
I know this blog and comments are quite dated, however I love reading that others are thinking and feeling the same as me.
Wonderful feeling to know that you are not all alone!

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