Being a single mom changes everything – including how we fall in love and what it feels like.
The hardest part is trying to get our heads around the fact that we probably won’t feel that “young, gushy love” again…or will we? I just can’t imagine ever falling hard again – like I did in my single childless years.
I just read another single mom’s blog entry that blew my mind – she’s got it nailed…
“How sad of a romantic reality, it is, that is thrust upon single moms. From the beginning of ‘being single’, we daydream and romanticize about being back in a loving, romantic wistful relationship, and how great someone is going to be when we fall in love again, and they with us and our little one(s). And for some of us it does happen, and we are lucky. And in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life.”
My feelings on the subject.
Falling in love now is different. We do have our minds on so many other responsibilities…so many in fact, that we may not have time to really ask ourselves this question
“Am I really in love with him?”
So how can we tell? My theory is this: being in love will never be the same but that only means we get to fall in love for the first time again – this time as single mothers. It will feel different but it can still be just as amazing, if not more amazing than it ever has been before.
Since becoming a single dating mother I often find myself wondering if I’m really in love with someone. And it’s never clear. Perhaps because I have yet to really be in love as a single mom. Or have I? And is it just a different feeling now? With my mind on my son, my job and my own life it’s hard to gauge whether or not it’s really love, lust or just fun.
Dating as a single mom is not like riding a bike – you can’t just jump back on – now there’s a baby basket in the front seat and it’s partially blocking your view.
Share your experiences as a single mom “in love.”
Is it really love? Does it feel different? How can you tell if it’s really love when you have so many other things on your plate?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Congratulations! I was starting to worry by your tone at the beginning of the entry, but it left on a high note. I definitely am holding out for hope that there is life after divorce. If there was no love after ending a marriage, there wouldn’t be much point in carrying on.
Oh there is love…the trick is finding it, recognizing it and then holding on to it…all while raising the little ones. What I’ve found is that the right men, the good ones, make it easy for you. They just love you … and will do anything to make you happy, as you will do for them in turn. Pretty nice. You’ll find it … just be very, very patient and focus on the kids until – pop – there he is.
I married a single mom 15 years ago, and now we’re newly divorced. When I met her and her son (2 yrs old at the time), we ALL fell in love with each other. After the wedding I adopted him, and I believe I was a good father all these years.
The problem is this: Will you be able to love your man as much as you love your child? In my case, things were great for several years. Then our son became a teenager, and my wife’s loyalties became very apparent. He could do no wrong, and I could do no right. Understand – I was never abusive, and for his part, he was just doing what all teenagers do: push, rebel, etc. He’s really a great guy; he just argued with me all the time. And my wife couldn’t stand it.
And since he is now a senior in high school, I can’t help but think that my wife left me because, basically, the goal was reached – her son in now grown up and college bound.
So back to my point: Will you love your man as much as your child? Will you be reasonable when conflicts arise? If you say “My child will always be number 1″, then you may never be happy in love.
By the way, we adopted 2 other boys, but niether of them are as special to my wife as her natural son.
First of all I am so sorry about your separation. I wish you the best…the question of loving your man as much as your child is one that I’ve seen posted on single mom blogs often. To me…coming from a HUGE family of 8, I think the heart has more than enough room to love many people.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say I love anyone more than my son – but I can’t imagine anyone ever forcing me to ask that question. It’s just an impossible question to answer.Will I put my son first? Yes – when it comes to lifestyle choices, etc. Will I let him hurt my relationship, or strain my relationship by fighting with my man – no way – because after all – he is the child and we are the adults. Parenting and dating creates all of these issues. We as single moms and all parents have to be strong in teaching children to respect adults and to respect their relationships. We are teaching them how to communicate…I’m just sorry things turned out so badly for you.
I can’t imagine she feels that because he’s older – the hard part is over and now she doesn’t need a husband. I don’t know her or your situation so obviously can’t speculate and I can’t speak for all single mothers, but this sounds like an issue that is common among married couples who are both the parents of the child. The kids vs. dad or the kids vs. mom = mom vs. dad.
And – these thoughts are coming from a young, single mother just now venturing into relationship land – so I really may not know what I’m talking about. I just have high ideals and hopes. Thanks for your comment and insight.
mssinglemama,
I’ve been reading your postings – some of them make me smile, some of them make me concerned. I’ll tell you why in a minute. First, one question: How old are you? Maybe you posted it somewhere, but I didn’t see it.
I’m 28. My son is nearing two. Believe me some of these posts make me concerned too…I by no means have any of this “figured out.”
mssinglemama,
28? That’s good. Meaning, you had a “young, single life” before you had a child.
My wife was 18, and I came on the scene when her boy was 2. She really didn’t have a “young, single life”, which I believe was a contributing factor to our divorce.
When you talk about your boyfriend…I was that guy! And I remained that guy. And my wife felt the same about me as you feel about him. But eventually, none of that mattered. By the way, I’ve always been gainfully employed (engineering designer, now a teacher), and I loved my wife every day. Right up until the day she killed it.
I think you wrote in one of your posts something about no fairy-tale endings. Right on. Life is hard, every day can be a struggle. I hope you’ve found your partner. I try not to be bitter – my wife used to tell people we were “soulmates”! Apparently, we’re not soulmates any more. Makes me laugh to think about that now.
Oh my gosh. How long has it been since you’ve separated? Could she come around? Do you still love her? Sounds like you do…a bit bitter yes, but you can’t just stop loving someone. And you still have two adopted children together.
I did live my young, single life…and loved every minute of it. Sucks she was only 18 … that would make it hard. So hard.
It just breaks my heart that she would let you go. It’s so hard to find devoted, caring husbands. Some women, or I should say people, just can’t see what they have until it’s gone. I know too many couples who have split for the wrong reasons.
Good luck to you…who knows…maybe you’ll find another single mom – only a bit older this time. : ) Don’t swear us all off. What I love about having dated so many men in my life – and being a mother – is that I feel like I can truly appreciate the good ones. They are so hard to find.
mssinglemama,
I don’t think she’s coming back. And, at this point, I don’t want her to. We had 10 great years, but she started drifting from me 5 years ago. She told me it was over last Christmas. And this Christmas, it really is over, now that she’s got a boyfriend 10 years younger than her (she’s 35, I’m 36).
I get the younger boys 1/2 the time, which is more than most fathers get, or even want. They are 9 and 10. I thought about fighting to get them more, but I didn’t want to put them through that and I didn’t want them resenting me for it in the future for it. The problem with making a decision today is not knowing how it will affect life down the road.
And I see the oldest one often, but he chose to live with her. We actually have a better relationship now than before. We go to movies, or he comes over to my house. I’m helping him get a car right now.
I guess I love the person she used to be – the person who loved me. And no, I haven’t sworn off women. Went on my first date over the holidays! It went pretty well.
I really identified with your posts about your ex taking your son overnight – I’ve been sharing custody for over a year, and I still can’t get used to coming home to an empty house. It’s the worst thing in the world. I have pets – heck, I have a small farm – but it’s not the same!
****Jim’s comment back…it wouldn’t post for some reason…****
I don’t think she’s coming back. And, at this point, I don’t want her to. We had 10 great years, but she started drifting from me 5 years ago. She told me it was over last Christmas. And this Christmas, it really is over, now that she’s got a boyfriend 10 years younger than her (she’s 35, I’m 36).
I get the younger boys 1/2 the time, which is more than most fathers get, or even want. They are 9 and 10. I thought about fighting to get them more, but I didn’t want to put them through that and I didn’t want them resenting me for it in the future for it. The problem with making a decision today is not knowing how it will affect life down the road.
And I see the oldest one often, but he chose to live with her. We actually have a better relationship now than before. We go to movies, or he comes over to my house. I’m helping him get a car right now.
I guess I love the person she used to be – the person who loved me. And no, I haven’t sworn off women. Went on my first date over the holidays! It went pretty well.
I really identified with your posts about your ex taking your son overnight – I’ve been sharing custody for over a year, and I still can’t get used to coming home to an empty house. It’s the worst thing in the world. I have pets – heck, I have a small farm – but it’s not the same!
Wow. This entry brought back so many memories and sparked so many thoughts that I had to blog about it because my response/comment would be SO looooong.
http://tennessonian.blogspot.com
You know, I am so glad I found this blog and I’m seeing that I’m not the only one who thinks about this. I’m a single mom, divorced under the same circumstances as the blogger, and the way my life is scheduled right now, I cannot see myself getting into a relationship any time soon. BUT, I think that if and when I fall in love now, with my single mom perspective, it will be a better kind of falling in love – not a blind, lust-filled falling in love.
My problem is that I just don’t see how it would be possible for me to meet a man! My life revolves around work and my son and shuffling him between my house, my exMIL’s house, and my mom’s house and it will likely be that way until he starts school.
First love starts with infatuation,but once sex starts especialy for girls they call it love, but its realy lust, but thats ok too! but its not love, you see a realy hot nice girl who falls in love with a total looser who totaly disrespects her, she calls it love , but its realy lust.
I always stay clear of single moms who say their kid is their whole life, that means you will never be!
or a mom that is looking to share her life with a new man,
its better for a guy and more realistic to find a mom that wants to grow as a family and share his life.
because after you have shared her life and paid for their schooling and done everything posible to make a good life for them, most single moms will fly the coop once the the kid has left, its time for them to catch up on sex and what they missed for themselves, and your history.
then when they find out the grass is not greener but full of dead heads and losers, or been used badly and broke, they want to come back, they miss the convenience of a free ride. to bad.
I am a single mom, and I found in my last relationship that I did not have time to reflect on it at all. It was easy to be happy when together and then not talk much other times. But, to have a healthy relationship we have to always be communicating. always. In the past it was different in that I could always talk on the phone and really get to know someone, or was available at the last min. Now, the man absolutely has to meet my schedule. Which is nice because I can easily see if the guy is really into me or not because he has to make more of an effort then normal.
I was in a painfully loveless marriage for 5 years, tried to leave, but my guilt of not trying everything to work it out, then my pregnancy kept pulling me back. I had fallen for a dream not a man and found out too late.
He had addictions to drugs and porn that I didn’t know about before we were married. They led to sexual, emotional and mental abuse. One day he packed the bags and my 7 month old daughter and I moved in with my parents. (I have so much respect for you that work full time and do it all on your own, I’m not that strong). I finally came around and accepted this new place that life had brought me, about a year later my new guy walked into my life. Love this time around is completly different. It’s on my schedule, he does things on my terms, which are mostly that there are no games and my daughter is a priority. He is everything I ever wanted, but I’m still too scared to let him completly in. He has a son, and we have gone out as the 4 of us, we all get along great. He shows me the possible family that I always wanted. He’s patient with me and my “crazies” as we call them. I am learning that my previous thoughts of the child(ren) being number 1 was a little off. Every plan, every decision he has made with me has been taking the 4 of us into consideration, the family is number 1, but children take presidence over couple time.
Love is possible, Love is wonderful, Love is patient, Love teaches balance, Love will come when it’s ready.
I am new here…. I am young, 27 and I am crazy head over heels into my junior high/ high school classmate. We just got back in touch about 5 months ago via myspace. Im crazy about her and her TWO kids now. Tristan 10 and Brianna 6. Shes adorable. Shes a little crazy though!! Damaged a little emotionally in my opinion and she agrees. Many times she has told me that she needs me to just be her bestfriend right now and be there for her. My mother asks about her but thinks it is a mistake. Im crazy about her kids and like to reach out to them but dont want to come off like im trying to get to her heart through them, shes defensive against that! I am sure that I want to try with her, yet i wonder if im just being naive. Any advice? By the way, Ive never been the one woman guy. Ive never been in a honest monogamous relationship longer than six months!! I know I know.
I came across this website because I was wondering what to do with my baby. I'm 25 years old.. my baby just turned 1 year old last month… I'm still in the process of moving on.. and I think I haven't taken enough steps away yet.. I am worried how we will survive.. Do I have enough strength for me and my baby? Won't anger and pain totally swallow my whole being… Please help me…
I think in the past, love and (definitely) lust came first. But now as a single mother, my child is my number one priority and she is my love. What I need now is a stable environment for her. That's why my whole perception of love (between two adults) has disappeared. Meaning that I adjust my belief/lifestyle/professional career and needs to this new mindset. I don't mind at all, coz when I see my daughter, I see love, stability, hope and future.
Being a single mom and “dad” to my son has been the most rewarding aspect of my life. But the issue of TRUST is a big question to me especially when it comes to relationship with the opposite sex. Now I know my priorities and my son is at the top of the list. And I must say that sometimes, it can get overwhelmingly lonesome that I feel like crying wishing i had someone to do adult stuff with and share with. Oh well, guess you can’t have it all sometimes.
Thank you for this information… I am a single mother and in love ( I think) with an amazing man. I just keep wondering why there are no fireworks or feelings like when I was in my 20’s. Now I know…I am to busy with 2 boys and 2 jobs. I am so relieved to know that I am in love it is just different at 47 than it was at 25. I guess in a way it is much more real and I am so lucky to have a great guy. I have a question though…. do you think he is wondering where the fireworks are too??? Nah he is head over heals!!
wow i came across this page accidentally and i am so pleased to know that there are a lot of single moms out there like me. im a single mom of 2, (6 and 2 years old) and im 24. i met a wonderful guy as soon as i got separated with the father of my kids,i was nursing a broken heart and i never knew he would take me seriously but he did..not only he loves me but my children as well. we are together for more than a year now and the feeling keeps getting stronger everyday, he already proposed but his parents came in the picture ( we live in the philippines so the culture is a bit different) but now he is in the states and we made a deal that as soon as he come’s back, we will get married, with or without his parents blessings.