He’s back.

by mssinglemama on January 2, 2008

BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
After nearly two years my son’s father has taken him for his 36 hours of visitation. (Usually he watches him at my place) Right now there’s a pit in my stomach. Not of fear. I know he will take care of him…he is after all a good father and he does love his son more than anything. It’s something else. This just isn’t natural. Sharing a child with an ex spouse. I’m a child sharing rookie, this being my first time with him out of my sight for over 24 hours.

My mix of emotions are as follows:

  • Wow…I have 36 hours to myself, I’m not working so that means just play…and it’s New Years Eve!
  • Where is he going? I don’t even know. I’ve never met my ex’s girlfriend. I’ve never seen their house. I’m just a little bit uncomfortable with this, but I do trust my ex.
  • Will he be okay without me? Yes. It might be hard around bedtime but he’ll have a fun day. He’s a happy, independent kid.
  • Will I be okay without him? Will I be able to have fun tonight? Or will I be worried sick?

I imagine since so many parents in this country have shared custody of their child that it does get easier….but what about the children? Do they ever really adjust to this? I don’t think people ever get married and have babies with the intention of splitting. I know I didn’t. It was a whirlwind, green card wedding but we were in love. I thought with every inch of my body that it would be forever. But my dream came crashing down around me when I realized that we were completely incompatible.

Well…I’ll keep you posted. I’m going to spend the day out and about with my best friend shopping. Then the evening out at a cocktail party and then dancing with my amazing boyfriend. This won’t be that bad…and Benjamin will get a serious dose of daddy time which has been well over due.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
After nearly two years my son’s father has taken him for his 36 hours of visitation. (Usually he watches him at my place) Right now there’s a pit in my stomach. Not of fear. I know he will take care of him…he is after all a good father and he does love his son more than anything. It’s something else. This just isn’t natural. Sharing a child with an ex spouse. I’m a child sharing rookie, this being my first time with him out of my sight for over 24 hours.

My mix of emotions are as follows:

  • Wow…I have 36 hours to myself, I’m not working so that means just play…and it’s New Years Eve!
  • Where is he going? I don’t even know. I’ve never met my ex’s girlfriend. I’ve never seen their house. I’m just a little bit uncomfortable with this, but I do trust my ex.
  • Will he be okay without me? Yes. It might be hard around bedtime but he’ll have a fun day. He’s a happy, independent kid.
  • Will I be okay without him? Will I be able to have fun tonight? Or will I be worried sick?

I imagine since so many parents in this country have shared custody of their child that it does get easier….but what about the children? Do they ever really adjust to this? I don’t think people ever get married and have babies with the intention of splitting. I know I didn’t. It was a whirlwind, green card wedding but we were in love. I thought with every inch of my body that it would be forever. But my dream came crashing down around me when I realized that we were completely incompatible.

Well…I’ll keep you posted. I’m going to spend the day out and about with my best friend shopping. Then the evening out at a cocktail party and then dancing with my amazing boyfriend. This won’t be that bad…and Benjamin will get a serious dose of daddy time which has been well over due.
BenandMama

This is one of a handful of pictures I have of Benjamin and I together. Thanks to a mirror and my wonderful camera. I snapped it just one week after leaving my ex-husband. Benjamin was just 4 months old (isn’t he a cutie!!!). Anyway, to date I have had only a few taken of us together by an outside party.

The holidays are here and I’m actually hoping someone will snap a few pictures of us together.

Just wondering what other single moms do. I could hire a professional photographer. I could ask my friend to take pictures of us every time they come over. Which they would – I guess I just forget to ask. I don’t think about it every day and now two years later I’m like – oh crap – no pictures of us together. That sucks. Same with all of my video of Benjamin – it’s all of him and my voice behind the camera.

Merry Christmas or Holidays by the way…might not get to write again for a few days. Just remember to get lots of group shots at your family gatherings.
Yesterday morning I woke up still in a fabulous mood after an amazing night with Kris. We hadn’t had one like that in a while. I have been stressing out about our relationship and my fears have been controlling my emotions, the way I’ve been treating him – everything for the past few weeks.

Read my eye-opening post on “Do I need therapy?”and you can see why…the perfect advice (from commenter Tim) came at the perfect time and I was able to let go of my fears for one night…and one morning…and one afternoon. And now it’s been 48 hours relatively fear free.

So yesterday morning, my new fearless self, asked Kris if he could watch Benjamin while I ran to the grocery and of course, he said yes. He suited Benjamin up and took him to the park while I had nearly one hour of stress free shopping.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I’ve asked a man in my life for help as a single mother. I know I’m not alone in this unhealthy practice of denying ourselves the time we need to be alone.

My theories on why single mothers are afraid to ask boyfriends for help:

  • We have been on our own for a while. The idea of receiving help and then possibly getting used to it and then losing it scares us to death.
  • We expect men to offer help. But in reality they may feel intimidated – after all, from their vantage point it looks like we have everything under control, and they don’t want to insult our pride.
  • We don’t want to scare them off. When we are with someone we may not want to make them feel like dating us would be “hard” or require major household duties on their part.

But we have to remind ourselves – this is our life. If they truly want to be with us it will take some extra “work” on their part. But it shouldn’t feel like work. When I got back from the grocery I thanked Kris again. He said, “No don’t worry about it – we had fun!” I grabbed Benjamin to take him up for his nap. When a friend is over I usually hurry upstairs and lay him down while they wait…but Kris sticks his head around the stairs, “can I come?”

“Sure!” Wow. Is this really happening? He comes upstairs and we all cuddle together on the big nursery chair while Benjamin falls asleep. Amazing. I think he’s falling in love with both of us. I know I’m falling in love with him…I can feel it and this time I’m not going to sabatoge our relationship because of my own fears.
On Christmas Eve Benjamin’s father came up to spend the day with us. In the late afternoon his girlfriend’s ex dropped off their six year old son so that my ex could take him back down south. They were meeting in the middle.

The boy was your average adorable 6 year old. When my ex was out of the room he looked up at me and said, “”if my mommy marries him, he’ll be my step-dad.” I said, “that would be nice wouldn’t it? Because he’s a fun guy.”

Then the boy said something that I’ll never forget.

“Well, not really. He doesn’t play with me enough.” My heart broke for this little guy and I said, “have you asked him to play with you more?”

“Ya,” he quipped, “I ask him all of the time but he still doesn’t do it.”

I didn’t know what to say, the kid had just summed up the problem with my marriage and the reason why I’m a single mother. I just wanted to hug him and take that hurt away. The hurt of someone who just loves their job and drugs so much more than they will ever love you.

I just wonder why a single mother would want to be with a man who doesn’t make she and her children happy? Is she really that in love with my ex…so in love with him that she can’t see that her son might not have the best in a father? Or is she just so sick and tired of being alone that she is settling with him because – he’s someone and someone is better than no one?

I’ve definitely caught myself settling before. It took me a while to realize that if a man does love you the fact that you have a child is not an issue. And when he does love you he naturally loves your children too.
After nearly two years my son’s father has taken him for his 36 hours of visitation. (Usually he watches him at my place) Right now there’s a pit in my stomach. Not of fear. I know he will take care of him…he is after all a good father and he does love his son more than anything. It’s something else. This just isn’t natural. Sharing a child with an ex spouse. I’m a child sharing rookie, this being my first time with him out of my sight for over 24 hours.

My mix of emotions are as follows:

  • Wow…I have 36 hours to myself, I’m not working so that means just play…and it’s New Years Eve!
  • Where is he going? I don’t even know. I’ve never met my ex’s girlfriend. I’ve never seen their house. I’m just a little bit uncomfortable with this, but I do trust my ex.
  • Will he be okay without me? Yes. It might be hard around bedtime but he’ll have a fun day. He’s a happy, independent kid.
  • Will I be okay without him? Will I be able to have fun tonight? Or will I be worried sick?

I imagine since so many parents in this country have shared custody of their child that it does get easier….but what about the children? Do they ever really adjust to this? I don’t think people ever get married and have babies with the intention of splitting. I know I didn’t. It was a whirlwind, green card wedding but we were in love. I thought with every inch of my body that it would be forever. But my dream came crashing down around me when I realized that we were completely incompatible.

Well…I’ll keep you posted. I’m going to spend the day out and about with my best friend shopping. Then the evening out at a cocktail party and then dancing with my amazing boyfriend. This won’t be that bad…and Benjamin will get a serious dose of daddy time which has been well over due.
Yesterday morning Benjamin’s father picked him up for his first overnight at Daddy’s in nearly two years. I kept myself busy all day shopping with my best friend. We are both single mothers and spent nearly three hours in one store! Shopping with no kids is truly a luxury. I came home to my empty apartment and couldn’t bear the loud silence. I am never, ever home without him here. I didn’t know what to do so I just tried to take a quick nap. I couldn’t sleep and just laid there thinking about how lonely and miserable my life would be without Benjamin. I remind myself of this every day but having 36 hours of child-free time made it really sink in.

Then I started sending happy thoughts to Benjamin – wishing I had telepathic powers. He’s only 21 months old and didn’t understand that he was going away for the night. I just wished I could have explained.

I dragged myself out of bed. The silence was still so deafening. Wicked. Mocking. Where is my son?? I hate this. Why can’t I enjoy it? So I did what I always used to do – back in my childless single days. I cranked up the party music…I had to get ready for New Year’s Eve. As soon as the music started I felt better. I have to enjoy this. Benjamin will be fine and you are going to have a crazy fun time tonight. And I did.

Our night out included much bar hopping and much drinking. This morning Kris and I actually got to sleep in for the first time since we’ve started dating – nearly 3 months ago. Usually I jump out of bed, hung over or not, and rescue Benjamin from his room for breakfast and morning play time while Kris keeps sleeping. But this morning we got to lay in each other’s arms, kiss, cuddle and just be.

When we finally got out of bed Kris said, “it is pretty weird without the little guy here, it just doesn’t feel right.” He picked up Benjamin’s remote control car and started it up. The car noises were way too depressing. “Let’s get out of here,” I said. We jumped in the car, grabbed lunch and then headed to the book store.

Then his my ex calls, “we’re coming back a bit early and Benjamin was up last night from midnight to 3:00.” Oh boy. This didn’t surprise me. Every time we travel, even if I’m there with him, Benjamin rarely sleeps through the night. But three hours! When they pulled into the driveway I ran outside. Little Benjamin looked exhausted. I stuck my head in the window and he just freaked out with joy. I asked my ex if he would be taking him next week again and he was unsure – “we’ll see, it depends, I’ll let you know.” Yes! As much as I enjoyed this morning and the time with Kris I didn’t like being separated from Benjamin. Every once in a while it might be nice – but not every week.

This would be another story if my ex were a completely involved father but he’s just so distant to both of us. I actually used to daydream about having an ex who was constantly calling to check in or even fighting with me over more custody. But then again, that man and I would probably still be together. Now I’m taking my ex as he is and being as open as possible to whatever he wants. A take it or leave it kind of approach. If he shows up on his days – great – if not – fine. I have just learned to deal with it.

So – all is well. My little guy is back where he belongs, cozy in his bed and about to get a good night’s sleep.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

singlemomseeking January 2, 2008 at 11:22 am

Thanks for writing about this so openly… there are often so many expectations that we put on ourselves when we have a night “off,” but is it really so easy to let go of your child? No.

It’s great that you are letting your ex go — and not getting all worked up about his unreliability. I don’t know how easy this is for Benjamin — say, if he thinks that he’s going off for the night with his dad, but then his dad decides not to show up?… Good for you for being stable in his life.

Reply

damnitall February 4, 2008 at 8:07 pm

Randomly found your blog and just wanted to offer kudos to being a cool single and dating mom. I’m in that club too. It’s rough, but nice to hear others talk about it.

Reply

mssinglemama February 5, 2008 at 3:41 am

Thanks Damn It All … please keep us posted… your input is invaluable as mine is definitely not the only perspective.

Reply

Yosef February 5, 2015 at 5:28 am

I love you not for the things you would bring to me but to acecpt everything you could bring , he true love is not for showing, but I am sure that even if all other people abandon me, you will still be my side , I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you The bravery of each bull is then rated with care according to the number of times he demonstrates his willingness to charge in spite of the sting of the blade , Henceforth will I recognize that each day I am tested by life in like manner. If I persist, if I continue to try, if I continue to charge forward, I will succeed , Your future depends on your dreams . So go to sleep. Do not keep anything for a special occasion..

Reply

Frankie January 20, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Appreciation for this ifnomartoin is over 9000-thank you!

Reply

Leave a Comment