Yesterday morning Benjamin’s father picked him up for his first overnight at Daddy’s in nearly two years. I kept myself busy all day shopping with my best friend. We are both single mothers and spent nearly three hours in one store! Shopping with no kids is truly a luxury. I came home to my empty apartment and couldn’t bear the loud silence. I am never, ever home without him here. I didn’t know what to do so I just tried to take a quick nap. I couldn’t sleep and just laid there thinking about how lonely and miserable my life would be without Benjamin. I remind myself of this every day but having 36 hours of child-free time made it really sink in.
Then I started sending happy thoughts to Benjamin - wishing I had telepathic powers. He’s only 21 months old and didn’t understand that he was going away for the night. I just wished I could have explained.
I dragged myself out of bed. The silence was still so deafening. Wicked. Mocking. Where is my son?? I hate this. Why can’t I enjoy it? So I did what I always used to do - back in my childless single days. I cranked up the party music…I had to get ready for New Year’s Eve. As soon as the music started I felt better. I have to enjoy this. Benjamin will be fine and you are going to have a crazy fun time tonight. And I did.
Our night out included much bar hopping and much drinking. This morning Kris and I actually got to sleep in for the first time since we’ve started dating - nearly 3 months ago. Usually I jump out of bed, hung over or not, and rescue Benjamin from his room for breakfast and morning play time while Kris keeps sleeping. But this morning we got to lay in each other’s arms, kiss, cuddle and just be.
When we finally got out of bed Kris said, “it is pretty weird without the little guy here, it just doesn’t feel right.” He picked up Benjamin’s remote control car and started it up. The car noises were way too depressing. “Let’s get out of here,” I said. We jumped in the car, grabbed lunch and then headed to the book store.
Then his my ex calls, “we’re coming back a bit early and Benjamin was up last night from midnight to 3:00.” Oh boy. This didn’t surprise me. Every time we travel, even if I’m there with him, Benjamin rarely sleeps through the night. But three hours! When they pulled into the driveway I ran outside. Little Benjamin looked exhausted. I stuck my head in the window and he just freaked out with joy. I asked my ex if he would be taking him next week again and he was unsure - “we’ll see, it depends, I’ll let you know.” Yes! As much as I enjoyed this morning and the time with Kris I didn’t like being separated from Benjamin. Every once in a while it might be nice - but not every week.
This would be another story if my ex were a completely involved father but he’s just so distant to both of us. I actually used to daydream about having an ex who was constantly calling to check in or even fighting with me over more custody. But then again, that man and I would probably still be together. Now I’m taking my ex as he is and being as open as possible to whatever he wants. A take it or leave it kind of approach. If he shows up on his days - great - if not - fine. I have just learned to deal with it.
So - all is well. My little guy is back where he belongs, cozy in his bed and about to get a good night’s sleep.
