Why I am a single mother.

by mssinglemama on December 2, 2007

This post is just a tease… read the full version of Why I am a Single Mother in Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, my 120 page eBook that brings the entire blog full circle. Buy your copy here.

The first time I thought of leaving my husband I was just 8 weeks pregnant.

He was unemployed again and spent his days parked on the couch without a care or worry.

“I’ll get a job when I need to, just stop to talk,” he would say in his thick French accent. The accent wasn’t sexy anymore. It had lost all of its luster.

Then there was also his complete unwillingness to improve our relationship. But instead of leaving him – I kicked him out. Two weeks later and two marriage counseling sessions I took him back.

I didn’t want to give up the chance, a fat chance, but still a chance that maybe he would be a better husband once the baby arrived.

Some men do change.

He wouldn’t.

It actually just got worse…

This post is just a tease… read the full version of Why I am a Single Mother in Ms. Single Mama Uncensored, my 120 page eBook that brings the entire blog full circle. Buy your copy here.

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  5. When Do You Tell Him You’re a Single Mom?

{ 14 trackbacks }

To find a prince you might have to kiss a lot of frogs. « Ms. Single Mama
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Is marriage out of style? « Ms. Single Mama
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I LOVE being a single mom. « Ms. Single Mama
January 19, 2008 at 1:48 am
Help! Major Single Mama Decision… « Ms. Single Mama
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Porn for New Moms « Ms. Single Mama
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The Ex Factor « Ms. Single Mama
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Baggage check: I won’t let myself fall in love. « Ms. Single Mama
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Seeing clearly.
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Hello again
May 18, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Pictures | Single Mom | Single Mom Blog | Ms. Single Mama
July 9, 2011 at 8:36 am
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September 12, 2012 at 9:04 pm

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

Dee December 3, 2007 at 4:23 am

So many things you wrote are true for me too… I moved when I was 5 months pregnant and because I wasn’t doing the things he wanted he locked me in the garage, he refused to work… I don’t like my boss, I’m going back to school, etc.

I call my daughter mine too. I’m the one who is responsible for her, so I get her.

I wish you happiness!

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Strawberry December 3, 2007 at 5:15 am

Wow, what a piece of writing. What courageous person you are. How lucky your son is to have you.

I am married to a supportive man and motherhood is *still* so hard. I truly honestly do NOT know how single mothers do it. My hat is off to you.

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southerngeekygirl December 3, 2007 at 7:30 am

My mom was a single mother from the time I was 8 years old and I have never once wished that she and my dad stayed together. Your son will see the example of strength and independence you set and be the better for it, I promise!

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Hanie December 6, 2007 at 4:11 pm

What a candid post you have here and it took a lot of courage to do this Im sure. It is not easy to be a single mother but I always believe that one door closed behind, a few more will open up.

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talesofasingleparent December 8, 2007 at 9:20 am

Let me commend you on taking a stand for the sanity, safety and happiness that you and your son deserve. You did a brave thing. It’s always hard starting over, but sometimes it’s necessary. When I look back to when I left my husband and how I had to move back with my mother with my 2 girls, I sometimes cannot believe I am where I am now. I feel fortunate that I was strong enough to leave and make a way for me and my children. Maybe this one blog entry on why and how you left will inspire another woman who is in a terrible situation to get the guts to leave.

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alhaimy December 17, 2007 at 2:08 am

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Miguel April 14, 2008 at 9:03 am

Until I was 7 I grew up with a single mother and I appreciate all your efforts, but I would never put the details on the internet. Personal is personal.

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pat August 23, 2009 at 9:59 am

If you feel this way?….why are you reading this blog?

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pseudonymblog April 20, 2008 at 3:45 pm

Congratulations on changing your life around. You did the right thing, and one day when your son is older, he will thank you!!

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Livingalmostlarge August 8, 2008 at 11:29 pm

Congratulations! My mom kicked my sperm donor to the curb I think when I was a couple of months old. Not sure. Basically she went out to work, she had a 30 day maternity leave in 1979, and worked until the day she gave birth to boot! And he wasn’t working.

She married him because everyone told her she had to get married to her high school boyfriend after college.

So anyway she was working extra hours to support us and came home one night to a child and no husband. So he couldn’t “deal” with a crying child so he left me at home alone for who knows how long. He didn’t call anyone and just left. That was it. She packed his stuff and put it outside.

Why did she need him if he didn’t do anything? Plus when he was “frustrated” he shook me. It was enough. He had to go. And we didn’t see him again. He didn’t come around.

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Claire September 18, 2008 at 11:13 am

Sounds like my story, but I was with my x for 10 years and he left me when I was 6 months pregnant. I was not strong enough to leave him but I got strong and stayed strong and now he is in her life, after an almost 3 year absence…. and we are doing it MY WAY!

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Anonymous September 30, 2008 at 1:03 pm

i was raised by a single mother and i didnt turn out bad at all. there is nothing bad about what you did. Go girl.

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J-MA October 5, 2008 at 12:56 am

this is all too familiar to me.
am glad.. that there are others out there who’ve been through more or less the same thing.

my daughter’s father left US when he i was 2mths pregnant. for a girl he met whilst we were on a break two months earlier. even had the nerve to move her into his flat……… that now is all history. once my little darling was born, i was overcome with so much love and that maternal instinct kicked in. it was all about us now.

he suggested i post her registration certificate to him so he could sign it off (for a certificate of birth), and talk about it with his new partner. im sure you all can imagine what i was feeling – i wasn’t going to go out of my way with a new born to post this to him, when he lived 15mins away. so i decided ‘thats it – we don’t need him’. and i never called him again. nor did he get the chance to meet this beautiful creation.

3yrs down the track – my little darling has grown so much, and is such a little girly madam ;) just like all of your own children out there, she charms the socks of me and is full of questions about everything/one around her. Her fav song right now is ‘Disturbia’ Rihanna.. thanks to her aunt (my younger sister), my babes is queen of shrieking through the house being a diva .. :)

We’ve made the right decisions to move on Mamas, and it can only get better.

xx

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J-MA October 5, 2008 at 1:00 am

just to clarify also.. he didn’t get to meet her because he chose not to.. we had lived in the same house since he left, same phone numbers etc.. i would welcome the contact, but @ the same time i don’t want to share her.. to me she is mine. she doesn’t know him or his family, am super grateful for all the family support my babes and i have had. made all the diff in the world.

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TwelfthJen January 3, 2009 at 12:11 pm

I spent the last three years of my life in an abusive relationship staying when I should have left. I finally left him 8 months ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I do have significant scars on my heart from all the rending it has gone through. Although we tried to have children, we thankfully did not. He did have a daughter though, that loved me deeply and I loved her back just as fiercely. I can not describe the loss of leaving her.

I still find myself worrying about him occasionally, wondering how he is handling his migraines and ridiculous things like that.

I don’t speak of it, sometimes because people are surprisingly judgmental toward you about this. But reading your blog, knowing you are a smart and beautiful woman who shared a similar experience warmed my heart. Sorry for the long post, but your post opened me up.

Wonderful writing and good for you for leaving!

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Julie February 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Wow that was a pretty harsh thing you had to go through. No women should ever get treated like that exspecially when she's pregnant. its is loss though,you did th write thing. You are very pretty and your son is so handsome. I actually no a marriage thats similar to yours. They never throug things but ts verbal and its hard and very stressful but you did the right thing and you made a better life foryou and your son and thats all that matters.est of luck.

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Robin February 26, 2009 at 8:20 pm

I'm not a single mum but I sure am glad you blog is out there. I am glad that mum's in your situation will look at all their options and chose the right one. So often people stay in a bad place for the wrong reasons. You are an inspiration and you can prove to women who feel there is no hope that there actually is.

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abrookshire February 27, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Amazing girl. And reading this, I couldn't help but fear that if you had stayed with him and if he had been a full time stay at home father….your son might have suffered for it. If he cared so little about your baby while you were pregnant, I have a hard time thinking he would give Benjamin the proper care he would need as an infant or toddler. He obviously had little tolerance for others and little thought for anyone other than himself, one hard day with a sick, fussy baby could have been too much for him to handle and it could have cost both you and your son dearly. Good choice, you followed your gut and now look at how much life has blessed you because of it!!

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Tina March 12, 2009 at 7:34 pm

You are an amazing writer. I love your blog and when I have time, I work my way through your older posts. This was beatuiful: We were hibernating, hiding from the world until I could get us back to it.

I commend you for your honesty, your bravery and your love for your son.

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mssinglemama March 12, 2009 at 7:41 pm

Thank you so much. You're very kind.

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Katt March 21, 2009 at 10:05 pm

For me, my son was 2 and 1/2 months when I went into hiding. Although it has been over five years since I took those steps, I am amazed how just reading your blog still stirs up emotions within myself.

Thank you for your candor, all of us truly appreciate it.

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Jenn April 25, 2009 at 4:09 pm

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years before I decided to leave (for the last time). I have been a single mom for a year and half and becoming pretty good at it. The books "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie became my bibles throughout leaving, divorce and even at times now. I believe we are such strong women to choose the well being of ourselves and our babies over the false security of a loveless marriage.

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Susan May 20, 2009 at 2:00 am

You are courageous woman and a wonderful mother. You put your baby first and knew that your life and your child's could not be happy in the current situation.

I was a single mother too when I was much younger and it was terribly difficult, but necessary if I was going to find happiness for myself and my children. And – I did. You will too. You are an inspiration to woman everywhere who are facing the same challenges and crises. Thank you for sharing your story.

Susan
Over at "RaisinToast"

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just me May 26, 2009 at 6:44 pm

my marriage is pretty crappy right now and has been since day 1. heck we even fought while on the honeymoon. i'm stuck. plan to leave as soon as i finish grad school which is 1.5 yrs away still – seems like an eternity. you are inspiration for me.

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logicalspeaking June 24, 2009 at 5:17 pm

This is what happens when you CHOOSE to date bad boy types. I wonder how many good men you ladies turn down to date these "challenging" men.

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desiree fawn July 21, 2009 at 4:30 pm

I just found your blog and read your story — you are such a strong woman to take yourself out of that situation. You absolutely did the right thing and though I don’t know you — I’m proud of you.
I watched my mother in abusive relationships my entire childhood and it gave me a bad image of men which I’ve struggled with my entire life.
I have thankfully found a loving man and loving father for myself and our daughter and I hope I can always say that.
I’m very happy to have found your blog and I can’t wait to read on!

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Mrs. Realife July 30, 2009 at 8:32 am

Clearly I’m reading this nearly 2 years later… but I couldn’t be more proud of the bravery you stood in to get out and protect your son —

I’m a domestic violence counselor and I want to tell women about you and your incredible story!!

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Sherry December 10, 2009 at 8:27 pm

I am very glad to find your site. I am going through the first year still. Its only been about three months, my daughter is getting ready to have her first christmas and I cant wait still it is hard to watch comercials of families happy togther. I know what I did was right, telling him he had to go, our house was like yours and I knew for her to grow up happy and healthy her parents couldnt be togther. Thank you for showing me that one can make it through this, you are a great source of encouragement.

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Keish January 25, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I just read your blog and it has brought me to tears, but for very different reasons. I read your story and feel so guilty because I chose differently.
Like you, I was in a marraige with an emotionally unavailable yet emotionally abusive and manipulative man.
I had two beautiful boys with him, and his contribution to their care was minimal at best, despite the fact that we were both working.
When i could not take it anymore, I left. However, the mistake I made was leaving the boys with him.
I did it because, at the time, I had no real support system. The time I spent living with family was fraught with pressure from them to go back to him. In addition to not really having anywhere to go with my kids, no car, and a child that was autistic, I felt surrounded on all sides.
So I left the boys with him, a decision that I felt at the time was the best for them and would ensure their safety. This was compounded by his insistence that I leave the boys with him, since he did not really care what I did. I had nightmares of him chasing me and the boys with a ‘cutlass’ if i disobeyed his ‘edict’. So I left them.
And I regret that decision so much!!! I have been fighting to get them back through the courts, but not having my own space and very little family support, I have lost the case four (4) times!!!
But I am continuing to fight and put my life in order in time for my divorce. They seem ok, but he continues to use them as a ransom to try to force me back home to him.
So my tears are of regret, wishing that I was as brave as you were. I wish I took my boys with me and trusted that things would work out for me. Oh if I only knew better!!! :(

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Erika May 7, 2010 at 9:36 am

Hi! I don’t speak english at all, but I need to say that you touch my heart.. my remembers, my feelings, with this post.
I left my child-father’s house when she was 5 months old. Be with him was an error from the beggining, we didn’t love each other, he have many womans…. Thanks god that he kick my ass out from his house to be with another woman!!!!! Now, 2 years later I think that it was the best thing that happened in my life. I’m a single and proud mom, I have a really goog boyfriend (“nonio de mami” as my daughter call him) but I still live happily alone with my beautiful daughter :)
I can’t wait to buy your book and read the full history and also, I can’t wait to be brave as you and write that part of my own history in my blog http://bebeslactanciaymas.blogspot.com/
By the way… It’s nice to read that you have breastfeeding your baby in the middle of all these problems.
Congrats!!

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