Oh…the pressure.

by mssinglemama on November 29, 2007

It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.

I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling – beaming actually – he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.

With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense – having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world – right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?

That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:

6:30-7:00 – wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.

7:00-7:30 – breakfast, breakfast clean up

7:30-8:00 – get everyone dressed, pack up and head out

8:00-8:30 – drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.

8:30-5:00 – work

5:00-5:30 – pick Benjamin up from day care

5:30-6:30 – dinner and play time

6:30-7:00 – bath and pajama time

7:00-7:45 – bedtime

7:45-9:00 – clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower

9:00 – 10:00 – me time

On top of it all – Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing – not once actually in the past six weeks.

I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins – it happens.

I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking – what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list – finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Arm Jerker J. November 29, 2007 at 11:21 am

I’m big on the decorations. But I don’t do shopping for presents anymore. Gets to be just too much. Plus my family just doesn’t do that any more because as my father says, I have Christmas every day!

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g8grl November 30, 2007 at 3:25 am

i have an au pair and I enjoy having someone in the house who’s almost as involved in my children as I am. They get the bedroom and I get 45 hrs/week of reasonably priced childcare. Works out really well.

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lanipai December 1, 2007 at 3:31 am

Where is it written that two is better than one and as for the experiences, I sleep much better at night knowing that my children are safe and happy because I know that what they experience everyday is good. Really good, because they are the experiences I want for them.

I agree with your Dad and my children would too. Christmas is everyday, not just one day in December. Gifts are things that are given not purchased and there is nothing wrong with teaching your children that.

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Nicole December 2, 2007 at 11:03 am

You know, sometimes I feel so lonely and just yearn for “the one”.
Other times I realize that finding him would be just as hard as being single because it would mean relinquishing some control over my life and I’m just not prepared to do that quite yet.

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mssinglemama December 2, 2007 at 7:27 pm

Thanks everyone for commenting. I love the Christmas comments. Actually just told my single mama friend to read the Gift of the Magi to her 5 year old this year. That’s by far my favorite Christmas story. And to Nicole – yes! I couldn’t have said it better myself. I am actually beginning a new relationship that is likely to become the most serious one yet and it is scary. I have my ups and downs and now he’s here to witness them – very interesting. One thing that’s important – the right one will do just that – witness them, listen and try to be there for you – not make your life any harder or try to take control. Well, at least my right one. Thanks again – when I get a second I’ll check out all of your blogs!

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