Comments on: How to date a single mom, Part 1 http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/ Single Mom Dating, Love, and Life Advice Thu, 11 Mar 2010 03:25:10 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: sander http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14819 sander Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:18:31 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14819 I don’t know how to thank you for this article. Like some men, i too have fallen for the grace, power and elegance of a single mother. As we all have different positions and situations nothing is more important than having the power to put thyself in the shoes of the other. Being quite young (23) and not having had the expercience of life as most of your beloved readers (and you) have had, i find myself at the doors of an entire different world. None the less i try to be all that i can be for the other. And have learned that with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown. Momentarily (after having dated for a couple of months) she told me that she wants to be friends for now, her ex out of a sudden-after having left her all alone from the start wants to take part in the childs life. At first i was, logically, hurt by the fact of being ‘just’ friends, but soon understood (also with thanks to this article) to always stay postive. I thoughtfully chose her, and with her comes all that she has been through. What i can give her is my undevoted attention, my empathy, love and all possible possivity. My strength won’t even come close to hers but even so i try to take my role. Again, thanks for all the articles. I don’t know how to thank you for this article. Like some men, i too have fallen for the grace, power and elegance of a single mother. As we all have different positions and situations nothing is more important than having the power to put thyself in the shoes of the other. Being quite young (23) and not having had the expercience of life as most of your beloved readers (and you) have had, i find myself at the doors of an entire different world.

None the less i try to be all that i can be for the other. And have learned that with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

Momentarily (after having dated for a couple of months) she told me that she wants to be friends for now, her ex out of a sudden-after having left her all alone from the start wants to take part in the childs life. At first i was, logically, hurt by the fact of being ‘just’ friends, but soon understood (also with thanks to this article) to always stay postive. I thoughtfully chose her, and with her comes all that she has been through.

What i can give her is my undevoted attention, my empathy, love and all possible possivity. My strength won’t even come close to hers but even so i try to take my role.

Again, thanks for all the articles.

]]> By: Anonymous http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14560 Anonymous Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:34:01 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14560 hey i really like this website has so much information to help am glad i find it and i been reading milo post which is a situation very similar to mine so i wanna ask you if you wanna chat with me to help me understand how get close to this single mom i met i leave my email so let me know okay regards hey i really like this website has so much information to help am glad i find it
and i been reading milo post which is a situation very similar to mine so i wanna ask you if you wanna chat with me to help me understand how get close to this single mom i met i leave my email so let me know okay
regards

]]> By: Christopher http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14487 Christopher Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:56:12 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14487 "What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is." Sounds like someone learned all they know about relationships through Hope Floats, Crossroads, and The Notebook. I'm sure you'll be very successful. “What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is.”

Sounds like someone learned all they know about relationships through Hope Floats, Crossroads, and The Notebook.

I’m sure you’ll be very successful.

]]> By: John http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14485 John Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:27:58 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14485 Ok, you won't listen to reason, what should you do? If you've decided to take the plunge head-long into parenthood, or you're already in that situation, here's what you should do immediately: 1) Decide what role you're willing to play with the kids. Be specific and don't "give over" to what you think the mother would want. You need to decide for yourself. 2) Have a discussion with the mother. You need to work out some specific issues: • What are her expectation of you with her kids? • What authority do you have (remember - in your house, YOU get to set the rules), and will she back you up? • What are her "core values" - those she wants to pass on to her kids? • What will she tell them about your relationship? • How does she expect to handle things as you get closer - does she have a plan, or is she going to "wing it"? 3) If you can, meet with the kid's father. Start by telling him that you're not trying to compete with him for the kid's affection, and that you recognize the problems involved. Then, ask him what his "core values" are. As long as they're not contrary to the mother's, tell him you'll try to pass these along when you're with his kids. 4) Have a discussion with the kids and their mother. Explain that you're not trying to replace "daddy" - he is a very special person in their lives. But, you and mommy are together and you want to be their friends too. Tell them that you expect them to listen to you (and have mommy agree in front of them!) And, don't make promises or deals with the kids - this is just to get them involved. Group hug time! My friend - remember, this is a very difficult thing to pull off - and relationships with unencumbered women are difficult enough. If you succeed, you're definitely one survivor among many dead. Ignorance is bliss, but reality is real. Life is hard, but we make it harder by not accepting reality. Ok, you won’t listen to reason, what should you do?
If you’ve decided to take the plunge head-long into parenthood, or you’re already in that situation, here’s what you should do immediately:
1) Decide what role you’re willing to play with the kids. Be specific and don’t “give over” to what you think the mother would want. You need to decide for yourself.
2) Have a discussion with the mother. You need to work out some specific issues:
• What are her expectation of you with her kids?
• What authority do you have (remember – in your house, YOU get to set the rules), and will she back you up?
• What are her “core values” – those she wants to pass on to her kids?
• What will she tell them about your relationship?
• How does she expect to handle things as you get closer – does she have a plan, or is she going to “wing it”?
3) If you can, meet with the kid’s father. Start by telling him that you’re not trying to compete with him for the kid’s affection, and that you recognize the problems involved. Then, ask him what his “core values” are. As long as they’re not contrary to the mother’s, tell him you’ll try to pass these along when you’re with his kids.
4) Have a discussion with the kids and their mother. Explain that you’re not trying to replace “daddy” – he is a very special person in their lives. But, you and mommy are together and you want to be their friends too. Tell them that you expect them to listen to you (and have mommy agree in front of them!) And, don’t make promises or deals with the kids – this is just to get them involved. Group hug time!
My friend – remember, this is a very difficult thing to pull off – and relationships with unencumbered women are difficult enough. If you succeed, you’re definitely one survivor among many dead.

Ignorance is bliss, but reality is real. Life is hard, but we make it harder by not accepting reality.

]]> By: John http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14484 John Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:26:11 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-14484 Its sad but true. If you decide to date a single mother, you'd better beware. To many, this seems cold and callous, but there are far more problems with dating single mothers than you'd think. Single mothers are first and foremost dedicated to their children, (as it should be). If she isn't, you've got an entirely different problem on your hands. You'll be the one that took her attention away from her kids in the eyes of her family and friends - the "bad guy". No matter what, you'll never be "top banana" in her life. All too often, single mothers are looking for a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile. If the kids have to go to the doctor, she may not be able to afford it and may not have insurance - so you'll have to pony up. If they need braces, have to go to summer camp, need money for a school trip, etc., she's likely going to be pretty tight that month. So to look good in her eyes, you're going to wind up paying these bills. This is a lot to ask someone that isn't even related to the children! When you two go out, she's going to have to find a babysitter for the kids. She can't do this too often, so your "outings" are going to be limited. Further, this gets very expensive, very quickly - so, instead of getting a sitter, she will begin to include them in your time together. You'll be paying for meals, theatre tickets, plane trips, and any other expense that comes up while you are together. Forget anything spontaneous, and absolutely forget sleep-overs. How is she going to find a sitter that will watch the kids until the morning? If you're at her place, you're not going to be able to sleep there either. It is rather awkward to wake up and see the kids faces wondering what you're doing there in the morning! When it comes to actually raising the children (which includes discipline), you probably won't have a say. Again, you're not the father - and the kids know it! Unless the woman is willing to get behind you 100% and to support your decisions in discipline, you're out of luck. The women is probably separated or divorced from the children's father, but you will always have this man's influence in your life - after all these are his children - not yours. He and she probably have their own battles and you're going to be right in the middle of them. Also consider, that your values probably will not match his. This means that you will always be at odds with him. Further, she probably has personal problems with this man, and again, you're going to be the one listening to it all, supporting her and her problems with him, and you're not going to have much of a say at all. In short, unless you're just dying to have a pre-made family, and can't make them yourself, you're in for a real shock. Think twice about it, then think about it again. You better be ready if you decide to take this plunge! Better yet, find a woman without kids - they ARE out there! Its sad but true. If you decide to date a single mother, you’d better beware. To many, this seems cold and callous, but there are far more problems with dating single mothers than you’d think.
Single mothers are first and foremost dedicated to their children, (as it should be). If she isn’t, you’ve got an entirely different problem on your hands. You’ll be the one that took her attention away from her kids in the eyes of her family and friends – the “bad guy”. No matter what, you’ll never be “top banana” in her life.
All too often, single mothers are looking for a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile. If the kids have to go to the doctor, she may not be able to afford it and may not have insurance – so you’ll have to pony up. If they need braces, have to go to summer camp, need money for a school trip, etc., she’s likely going to be pretty tight that month. So to look good in her eyes, you’re going to wind up paying these bills. This is a lot to ask someone that isn’t even related to the children!
When you two go out, she’s going to have to find a babysitter for the kids. She can’t do this too often, so your “outings” are going to be limited. Further, this gets very expensive, very quickly – so, instead of getting a sitter, she will begin to include them in your time together. You’ll be paying for meals, theatre tickets, plane trips, and any other expense that comes up while you are together.
Forget anything spontaneous, and absolutely forget sleep-overs. How is she going to find a sitter that will watch the kids until the morning? If you’re at her place, you’re not going to be able to sleep there either. It is rather awkward to wake up and see the kids faces wondering what you’re doing there in the morning!
When it comes to actually raising the children (which includes discipline), you probably won’t have a say. Again, you’re not the father – and the kids know it! Unless the woman is willing to get behind you 100% and to support your decisions in discipline, you’re out of luck.
The women is probably separated or divorced from the children’s father, but you will always have this man’s influence in your life – after all these are his children – not yours. He and she probably have their own battles and you’re going to be right in the middle of them. Also consider, that your values probably will not match his. This means that you will always be at odds with him.
Further, she probably has personal problems with this man, and again, you’re going to be the one listening to it all, supporting her and her problems with him, and you’re not going to have much of a say at all.
In short, unless you’re just dying to have a pre-made family, and can’t make them yourself, you’re in for a real shock. Think twice about it, then think about it again. You better be ready if you decide to take this plunge! Better yet, find a woman without kids – they ARE out there!

]]> By: Tom http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-11894 Tom Mon, 10 Aug 2009 23:47:40 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-11894 Thanks for writing this. I was honestly confused before reading this. There were things I didn't quite get before but now i understand why. Just getting to know her was hard enough. Now i see it will take time, but she is well worth it. Thanks for writing this. I was honestly confused before reading this. There were things I didn’t quite get before but now i understand why. Just getting to know her was hard enough. Now i see it will take time, but she is well worth it.

]]> By: Brian http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-9443 Brian Wed, 13 May 2009 23:57:01 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-9443 I stumbled upon this website seeking some guidance and I'm thrilled at what I've read thus far. I've been dating a single mom for about a year now and though it may have some points of frustration (learning curve), it has been rewarding. I wanted to make a point regarding "AlLaf"'s post on how being a parent does not improve their qualities. You seem like a logical person, so take this piece of logic. With each choice anyone and everyone makes comes an experience. More often than not, small or large, the experience, whether good or bad, changes one's ability and characteristic. Becoming a parent is a choice, a choice that pushes the loving parent by human nature to make decisions to ensure that their child(ren) has everything they need and to create a beautiful life ahead of them. If anything at all, they are wiser in decisions they make (which trickles down to other traits) because they have to. I know this does not necessarily apply to all single parents as I do know there are single parents out there that are completely irresponsible, but to generalize all single parents is judgmental, unfair, and short-sighted. Your statement about personality...you're really going to tell me that your personality is EXACTLY the same throughout your entire life? I do believe that people don't change over night, but to say that they don't change at all especially with becoming a parent is just ludicrous to say the least. I stumbled upon this website seeking some guidance and I'm thrilled at what I've read thus far. I've been dating a single mom for about a year now and though it may have some points of frustration (learning curve), it has been rewarding.

I wanted to make a point regarding "AlLaf"'s post on how being a parent does not improve their qualities. You seem like a logical person, so take this piece of logic.

With each choice anyone and everyone makes comes an experience. More often than not, small or large, the experience, whether good or bad, changes one's ability and characteristic. Becoming a parent is a choice, a choice that pushes the loving parent by human nature to make decisions to ensure that their child(ren) has everything they need and to create a beautiful life ahead of them.

If anything at all, they are wiser in decisions they make (which trickles down to other traits) because they have to. I know this does not necessarily apply to all single parents as I do know there are single parents out there that are completely irresponsible, but to generalize all single parents is judgmental, unfair, and short-sighted.

Your statement about personality…you're really going to tell me that your personality is EXACTLY the same throughout your entire life? I do believe that people don't change over night, but to say that they don't change at all especially with becoming a parent is just ludicrous to say the least.

]]> By: The beginning. http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-9378 The beginning. Mon, 11 May 2009 03:05:23 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-9378 [...] I went up to present, making jokes the entire time - as I often do - about the keywords pointing to this blog like “most beautiful men” and “how to date a single mom.” [...] [...] I went up to present, making jokes the entire time – as I often do – about the keywords pointing to this blog like “most beautiful men” and “how to date a single mom.” [...]

]]> By: singlemomdater http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-6804 singlemomdater Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:55:49 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-6804 Well, I speak for most men when I say that it is very difficult to accept a son of other person as your own. Of course, they are men who see it as a bonus, but it is a minority of men. No offense meant. I am not perfect either. It's only for setting the record straight. It is better to accept reality than to live wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is sweet but if you are not rooted in reality you will make bad decisions. And bad decisions is the key of unhappiness. If your experience dating men is that they are thrilled about the perspective of dating single moms, good for you! Enjoy it and be happy! But if this is not your experience, please don't think it's something personal. I know that the love you have for your kids is so big and they seem so wonderful to you that you cannot imagine that somebody could label them as "baggage" (awful word, I know). But if this is so, it's better to know it and prove to the people you date that it is not this way. Living in the fantasy goes nowhere. Althoug AlLaf can be too harsh and offensive, he is right in essence: in average, you have to be nicer than the childless women. I know: it sucks. I don't want you to feel bad. I only want for you to have good dating strategies. If you think I am wrong, please forget this post. But I think that, even if you dismiss me and insult me, your dating will prove that I am right. If your dating proves that I am wrong, great! Enjoy it and be happy! Well, I speak for most men when I say that it is very difficult to accept a son of other person as your own. Of course, they are men who see it as a bonus, but it is a minority of men.

No offense meant. I am not perfect either. It's only for setting the record straight. It is better to accept reality than to live wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is sweet but if you are not rooted in reality you will make bad decisions. And bad decisions is the key of unhappiness.

If your experience dating men is that they are thrilled about the perspective of dating single moms, good for you! Enjoy it and be happy!

But if this is not your experience, please don't think it's something personal. I know that the love you have for your kids is so big and they seem so wonderful to you that you cannot imagine that somebody could label them as "baggage" (awful word, I know). But if this is so, it's better to know it and prove to the people you date that it is not this way. Living in the fantasy goes nowhere.

Althoug AlLaf can be too harsh and offensive, he is right in essence: in average, you have to be nicer than the childless women. I know: it sucks. I don't want you to feel bad. I only want for you to have good dating strategies.

If you think I am wrong, please forget this post. But I think that, even if you dismiss me and insult me, your dating will prove that I am right. If your dating proves that I am wrong, great! Enjoy it and be happy!

]]> By: …on dating a single mom « Pickles & Pedicures http://mssinglemama.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-6391 …on dating a single mom « Pickles & Pedicures Sun, 08 Feb 2009 03:57:09 +0000 http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2007/11/15/tips-on-how-to-date-a-single-mom-for-the-guys/#comment-6391 [...] ha!) take a jog over to a fellow single mama blogger who has got it goin’ on when it comes to how to date a single mama. So instead of having babies and marriage on the brain when I am out on a date, I am only wondering [...] [...] ha!) take a jog over to a fellow single mama blogger who has got it goin’ on when it comes to how to date a single mama. So instead of having babies and marriage on the brain when I am out on a date, I am only wondering [...]

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