How to date a single mom, Part 1
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Hi guys. So you’ve fallen for a single mom? I don’t blame you. You’ve found a woman who has been put to one of life’s hardest tests – on her own – and survived. Single mothers are amazing.
But, she’s created a life for her and her little ones and letting anyone in could be risky. If you want in, you’ve got to be patient, understanding and respectful.
You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m hoping these tips will help you out. But first, let me preface it with this…
One guy dating my best single mom friend, Abby, told me, “someone needs to write a book about dating a single mom.” I shook my head, “no, someone needs to write a book about dating Abby.” With or without her daughter, Abby is Abby and she’s a firecracker.
My point. Yes, we are single moms. But kids or no kids, we are still the same people. We still have the same communication issues, the same baggage, the same heart aches, the same dreams, the same goals, the same desires.
With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out my single mom dating tips here.
- Be patient. She may seem rough around the edges – that’s her finely tuned defense mechanism. Don’t worry, in time, that tough cookie will crack and you’ll discover a well of the most rewarding love you’ve ever imagined. But until she can completely trust you – hang on for the ride.
- No experience with kids? Who cares. We’re all big kids inside. Were you ever a kid? So you do have some experience! Don’t be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and run around with her little ones. Experience or not. If you love her, loving her kids will come naturally. Just because she’s a single mom doesn’t mean she’s looking for Mr. Super Dad. She’s looking for someone who has the ability to completely and totally love her children.
- She’s testing you. Yes, she’s testing you. She has to. Think about it. Would you want to date a single mom who didn’t have high expectations for who she let’s into her child’s life? Don’t stress out about the tests. Chances are you won’t even notice them. Just be yourself and you’ll pass. The most important thing is to try to understand why she needs to test you. Understand it, respect it and once again, be patient.
- If she hasn’t introduced you to her kids… don’t pressure her and don’t think it means she’s not serious about the relationship. This is not about you. She’s doing what she has to do to protect her family. Once again, understand it, respect it and be patient. Your reaction to these obstacles and your patience will mean everything to her.
- Don’t play games. Single moms don’t have time to play games. If you wait three days to call her play any other dating games she’ll lose patience and probably drop you before you have a chance to hurt her.
- If you aren’t into her – tell her right away. If you don’t have serious intentions or if you don’t think there’s a chance in hell you would ever “settle down” with her than for god’s sake – tell her. You never know, she might be totally up for a casual relationship too. If not, at least you weren’t messing with a single mom, that’s just wrong.
- Treat her like a princess. This applies to dating all women, moms or not. Just didn’t want you to forget it.
- Talk to her about her kids. Ask her how they’re doing. Ask how she’s doing. And listen to her answers.
- If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on. You’re dating a single mom. She’s in control and you might just have to follow her lead for a while before she relinquishes any.
- If you really want to be with her… prove your worth. Not with money, although money is always nice to have. But with actions. What do you bring to the table? These are questions and tests you usually don’t have to ask yourself when dating single, childless women. But with a single mom, life is happening – right now. How will you handle it? Can you clean? Can you cook? No? You better learn or at least try.
- Make her life easier. Single moms don’t like asking for help. Take the initiative. Make her life easier. Maybe it’s making her smile, hugging her, taking out her garbage or bringing over some treats for the kids. Bottom line – if you’re making her life easier you’re in.
What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is. Good luck!
Here are more tips on How to Date a Single Mom:
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4
[Photo credit: PlanetPersonals.com]
Filed under: Dating tips (for the single mama), For the men, how to date a single mom
Wow. Way to bring it to the table! Wanna write on MY blog?!!
WOW ! ……. This is one of the greatest blogs I have ever read !
I stumbled upon this through an eharmony.com sucks google search ……. go figure !
What a shame that you women are not treated as God commanded the husband to do both before and after becoming married.
Read the book “Love must be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson and make sure the one you are with or considering to date does so as well !
Blessings to all of you ” Single Mom’s ”
Duane
You hit the nail on the head! You’ve articulated what I know in my head but couldn’t put into words. Thank you.
I’ve always believed that single moms are very special though I never understood them. If only I’d stumbled upon this blog a few years ago; maybe I wouldn’t have blown it with a very special lady. My loss. Oh, found this site the same way, ehar……sux….
Hey Mssinglemama,
You’ve made some great points that just
emphasize to me that single mothers
deserve more respect for having the most
important job in the world. To me, the only
“luggage” they bring is extra wisdom and
proper values!
I also have a free advise site for single
parents re-entering the dating world. Would
love to exchange blogroll links with you.
Please email me and keep handing out
those great tips!
George
[...] If you have any to add…please, by all means - speak up! And guys - if you were dating a single mom would you dump her differently than you would a single, childless woman? In my experience and my friend’s experiences men surprisingly don’t always take our vulnerability into account. And guys - for tips on how you should treat a single mom - read up, here. [...]
[...] Hillary Clinton VideoI LOVE being a single mom.Top Spots to Meet Men (kid tested and mama approved)Tips on how to date a single mom (for the guys).How to change your MySpace or Facebook relationship statusAbout Ms. Single MamaMy Little [...]
Stumbled upon this site in my attempt to understand the single mom’s point of view, and I have found it o be the most eye-opening and informative site I have come across.
This is all brand-new to me - I have been pursuing the greatest woman I’ve met in years only to find out she has a wonderful 2-year-old…which explains why part of why she is so amazing herself. I asked her out, to which she replied that she needs to be friends first and really establish trust. At first I thought I was being blown-off…I get it now. Patience, understanding, and sincerity pay off I guess - no matter how long it takes. And just as I told her, I’m not going anywhere.
Thanks for providing a service to not only all you strong, independent single mom’s out there, but to the formally clueless guys who love them.
Milo - wow! What a compliment…thank you and you have no idea how much this means to me.
I really wish you the best of luck - and yes, be patient. By not going anywhere there’s a good chance you’ll win her over. She needs to trust you. I like her already. Nice catch!
Thanks - that’s a compliment right back
I am 29, and forever I have been the one-woman, no ability to BS kinda guy…every girl I’ve ever dated has told me I have no game whatsoever…which I learned to take as a compliment.
The greatest thing about her is that between full-time work, school, and her daughter, she has no time for “game” - what a relief for a guy like me!
I’ll keep you updated, for I now feel myself indebted to you for helping me wrap my head around this.
Wish me luck
And no, this is not online talk…this is true…I love this girl. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
Thank you again for the insight.
You’ve got it Milo - we don’t have the time nor the patience for games. As my boyfriend has told me - dating a single mom is like nothing he’s ever experienced before - “you’re just you..all of the time,” he says.
Yes - keep us in touch!!! Can’t wait to hear how it turns out.
“”“you’re just you..all of the time,” he says. “”
wow…that’s exactly why I fell for her….
What else can you ask for in a relationship? And I’ve gotten nothing but pure honesty from her…and I love it.
And don’t get me wrong - I’ve met plenty of single moms in the past…a few that don’t have their heads screwed on tight, but that’s the same of all women/men/people.
But she’s different….
I’ll never stop thanking you for the insight…and yes, I’ll keep you updated.
[...] you give a man dating a single mom? Posted on February 21, 2008 by mssinglemama My entry on How to Date a Single Mom (for the guys) has been one of the most popular entries on this blog. I wrote it for one reason…to help the [...]
[...] Dating advice for single moms and for the men who fall in love with us. [...]
misssinglemama, i, as well, cannot possibly thank you enough for such wonderful eye-opening advice. and milo, your thoughts are almost EXACTLY like mine.
Dating a single mom never even crossed my mind until my current relationship just fell into my lap. Now I couldn’t be happier. We’ve only been dating two months, and I’ve already fallen hard for her. And her three-year-old daughter? Icing on the cake! This relationship actually made me realize that I love kids!
And yes, one thing I love about her more than anything is the complete lack of bullshit games that younger women typically play. I’m not looking at a fake plastic mask, I’m looking at her. just her. No sugarcoating. That’s a bigger turn-on than anything. Because I, like you Milo, have no game. and oh what a relief this is.
I’m still getting used to having to remind her that I am not her ex husband. But That’s a small price to pay. I knew going into this that there will be “baby-daddy drama” and for some strange reason it doesn’t bother me the least.
So thank you for a great column and I hope more guys step up and talk about their experiences with single moms. The more people we hear from the more it’ll help those of us that are new to this.
Thanks Finch!!! I’m SO happy for you … like Milo has promised - please keep us posted. You bring up a great point…the men need to speak up a bit. I want to know more on what it’s like for you guys to date us….
[...] one’s from Finch, one of nearly 500 men who have now read my post on “How to Date a Single Mom.“ Dating a single mom never even crossed my mind until my current relationship just fell into [...]
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This seems like great advice for someone dating a single mother for the first time. I’m sure I may run into it in the near future, but as of yet I haven’t.
[...] Single Mama” approved, although take his advice with a grain of salt becaues he’s never dated a single mom…and as we all know, that’s a whole new game entirely. If even a game at all. More like [...]
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3. She’s testing you.
>
..how does she know? just when i’m about to give up, blam! there’s a text or voicemail..friggin’ mindreader she is.
Dan: We’re crafty like that…
[...] Tips on How to Date a Single Mom (for the guys) [...]
“If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on”
This is KEY!
“Treat her like a princess”
Apologies… This is MORE KEY!
[...] the men, this is the perfect addition to my series on How to Date a Single Mom. And for the single moms, here is proof that men are open to the idea of dating us (because we are [...]
Single mothers who will follow these advices will remain single forever or they will settle for less with with some loser they don’t really like.
In order for a relationship to work, both parties need to feel that it’s equal and balance. That’s been proven time and time again.
Living with a single mother requires a lot of sacrifices from a man (a man without kids that is). It’s concessions 24/7 for a kid that isn’t his. THAT is key. Everyday, he has to accept TWO people in his life because he wanted to be with ONE. The mother therefore has to double her efforts to make the man in question feel happy. Simple math really.
Face it, for most men who aren’t losers and have other options, kids are a turn off. But for some reason, many single moms react like fat women with that bizarre logic of “We’re better once you get to appreciate us” Well, no, that makes no sense. You’re fat, deal with it. Just like you have a kid, which for most men, I repeat, is a turn off.
So what are your options?
Act like a princess? Be picky and demanding?
No. Your option is to be extra nice, extra open-minded, extra comprehensive, extra everything so that the man doesn’t run away as soon as you tell him about your child or eventually, after living with both of you. Just like a guy with a short dick, you start with a handicap. The sooner you accept it, the more likely you are to attract men who are worthy of being called that and not just desperate dudes looking to settle down.
My girlfriend, a single mother, understood that. As soon as she realized I could date any younger, hotter girl without kids. Everyday she makes sure to remind me how lucky she is to be with me, and in return, I feel lucky to have found her as well. But you can be sure, I wouldn’t practically raise her kid, pay for both of them or even spend half a second there if she was as needy as a teenager who thinks she’s rare gem. I might as well go out and find myself one that has no kid if I’m gonna have problems.
I guess what I’m saying to single moms is: don’t pretend you’re great, be great. Otherwise, enjoy that fat guy with no character who’s 10 years older than you.
I’m younger than my girlfriend. I take good care of my body. Everybody says I’m good-looking. I make a lot more money than people my age. I run my own business. I’m smart. I even do most the chores around the house cuz I like cooking a lot.
You might think I’m pretentious. But my girlfriend is AWESOME and she deserves me (or better) in every way. Most single mothers deserve to be…well, single because they treat men like babysitting dildos. Good luck with that.
AILaf - I feel really sorry for your girlfriend … you sound like a royal asshole…and a conceited one at that.
Well, for starters english isn’t my first language. So I might be a little direct.
Second, I am not an asshole. I just say things like they are.
Would you date a guy with no money who has no ambition and looks ordinary? Probably not.
So why should any guy complicate his life with a kid that isn’t is?
Simple logic.
I’m not conceited either. I know what I’m worth. I know there are girls out there that would be hard for me to “access”. I’m not perfect. Single mothers should realize they are less attractive on the “market”. It’s normal. Nothing to do with being conceited.
No need to feel sorry for her. She seems quite happy.
Our only problems are ones that we laugh at.
So you are saying that being a single mom is as “bad” on the market as being a low-life guy who makes no money and has no ambition.
I know quite a few men who would have a serious argument with your logic.
And, I can NOT believe you are actually saying that your girlfriend (b/c she’s a single mom) has a handicap.
Having a kid that’s “not yours” is seen by some men as a bonus to the wonderful woman they’ve found. Read more of my blog and you’ll figure that out.
Single moms are THE most courageous, beautiful and loving souls out there … and any man would be lucky to have us and our children.
If my girlfriend was single, any guy who would hear the words “I have a son” would back away. I know I did.
Of course, I was 23 back then. I’m not some 37 year old balding dude with a beer belly who dreams of settling down and will pretend other kids are his cuz he didn’t have any.
My girlfriend herself tells me that it’s very hard to find decent guys when you have a kid. I didn’t invent anything. That’s what I meant with my comparisons with fat girls in denial “Why won’t guys like me!” The answer is pretty obvious but they prefer making up excuses about men being conceited and not needing them even though deep down, just like everybody, they’re looking for a soul mate.
Please explain me how you are a more courageous, beautiful and loving soul than a girl with no kid or a girl with a kid who’s still with the father? Because I met some single moms who were horrible bitches. Just like I know 20 years old girls with no kids who fit how you describe yourself. It’s a question of individuals and their values.
I’m sorry, having kids and being single doesn’t warrant all those qualities.
Like I said, stop pretending and start being.
As a single dad, I’ve been told by women who date me (some with kids, some without) that I’m nicer, more caring, accepting, understanding, and nurturing than single men who don’t have children. And I’m not balding or have a beer belly.
I think Ms Single Mama’s point is that single parents bring a lot of great qualities to the table. I realize some single people see us having kids as us having baggage, and those people probably aren’t right for us to date. But others see the kids as a positive. To each his own.
As much as you want to convince yourselves, being a parent doesn’t improve one qualities, education, values, manners…etc.
I see little relation between the two.
If you happen to be more caring, accepting, understanding…etc, all the more power to you, but it’s your personality not because you happen to be a parent.
Some people see kids as a positive, I will agree but those are either very rare or desperate from my experience…especially for men. But having kids doesn’t award you instant qualities, that’s just a lie for people who want to make up for the fact they’re not as attractive on the market.
It’s as if I went jobless tomorrow and I claimed that sitting around all day doing nothing makes me a very relax cool kind of guy and that this brings a lot of to the table. It just makes no sense.
The least a single parent can do is realize what baggage he/she carries. Once that person recognizes that, she can start dating otherwise those dates are all gonna grow unsastified one way or another.
Life isn’t Jerry McGuire.
hi
i am looking for a single mom to date,interested contact
AlLaf, it’s men like you that keep me inside my house on a saturday night with a glass of wine that doesn’t talk back to me.
CisforCow - don’t listen to him.
Just avoid guys like that - that’s all. If anyone sees your child as baggage he’s not worth your time. I think what AiLaf is trying to say is that we, as single parents, need to see dating us through the eyes of someone without a child.
But I hear you on the glass of wine thing - much easier than dating.
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AILaf can be forgiven as English is a second langauge, but wether a person is single or a lone parent, I have found it easier to love someone else, but to love anothers kids is very hard, and in the past I have had relationships flounder as I always put my daughter first, two early relationships finished as untill I was sure that it was long term ,never put myself in the position of my little girl seeing me in bed with someone new ,so some girls found it to be insulting that after the passion to be asked to take to the spare room !
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