Dating a Single Mom, Part 1

by mssinglemama on November 15, 2007

datingsinglemom.jpg

Hi guys. So you’re dating a single mom? I don’t blame you. You’ve found a woman who has been put to one of life’s hardest tests – on her own – and survived. Single mothers are amazing.

But, she’s created a life for her and her little ones and letting anyone in could be risky. If you want in, you’ve got to be patient, understanding and respectful.

You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m hoping these tips will help you out. But first, let me preface it with this…

One guy dating my best single mom friend, Abby, told me, “someone needs to write a book about dating a single mom.” I shook my head, “no, someone needs to write a book about dating Abby.” With or without her daughter, Abby is Abby and she’s a firecracker.

My point… Yes, we are single moms. But kids or no kids, we are still the same people. We still have the same communication issues, the same baggage, the same heart aches, the same dreams, the same goals, the same desires.

With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out my single mom dating tips here.

  1. Be patient. She may seem rough around the edges – that’s her finely tuned defense mechanism. Don’t worry, in time, that tough cookie will crack and you’ll discover a well of the most rewarding love you’ve ever imagined. But until she can completely trust you – hang on for the ride.
  2. No experience with kids? Who cares. We’re all big kids inside. Were you ever a kid? So you do have some experience! Don’t be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and run around with her little ones. Experience or not. If you love her, loving her kids will come naturally. Just because she’s a single mom doesn’t mean she’s looking for Mr. Super Dad. She’s looking for someone who has the ability to completely and totally love her children.
  3. She’s testing you. Yes, she’s testing you. She has to. Think about it. Would you want to date a single mom who didn’t have high expectations for who she let’s into her child’s life? Don’t stress out about the tests. Chances are you won’t even notice them. Just be yourself and you’ll pass. The most important thing is to try to understand why she needs to test you. Understand it, respect it and once again, be patient.
  4. If she hasn’t introduced you to her kids… don’t pressure her and don’t think it means she’s not serious about the relationship. This is not about you. She’s doing what she has to do to protect her family. Once again, understand it, respect it and be patient. Your reaction to these obstacles and your patience will mean everything to her.
  5. Don’t play games. Single moms don’t have time to play games. If you wait three days to call her play any other dating games she’ll lose patience and probably drop you before you have a chance to hurt her.
  6. If you aren’t into her – tell her right away. If you don’t have serious intentions or if you don’t think there’s a chance in hell you would ever “settle down” with her than for god’s sake – tell her. You never know, she might be totally up for a casual relationship too. If not, at least you weren’t messing with a single mom, that’s just wrong.
  7. Treat her like a princess. This applies to dating all women, moms or not. Just didn’t want you to forget it.
  8. Talk to her about her kids. Ask her how they’re doing. Ask how she’s doing. And listen to her answers.
  9. If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on. You’re dating a single mom. She’s in control and you might just have to follow her lead for a while before she relinquishes any.
  10. If you really want to be with her… prove your worth. Not with money, although money is always nice to have. But with actions. What do you bring to the table? These are questions and tests you usually don’t have to ask yourself when dating single, childless women. But with a single mom, life is happening – right now. How will you handle it? Can you clean? Can you cook? No? You better learn or at least try.
  11. Make her life easier. Single moms don’t like asking for help. Take the initiative. Make her life easier. Maybe it’s making her smile, hugging her, taking out her garbage or bringing over some treats for the kids. Bottom line – if you’re making her life easier you’re in.

What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is. Good luck!

Here are more tips on How to Date a Single Mom:

Single Mom Dating, Part 2

Single Mom Dating, Part 3

Single Mom Dating, Part 4

[Photo credit: PlanetPersonals.com]

Related posts:

  1. Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 1
  2. The Single Mom Dating Conundrum.
  3. E-harmony Dating Review: for the single parent or any other dater
  4. When Do You Tell Him You’re a Single Mom?
  5. MySpace, Facebook and Dating in a Virtual World.

{ 20 trackbacks }

The Fine Art of Dumping. « Ms. Single Mama
January 21, 2008 at 3:44 am
What women really want. « Ms. Single Mama
January 24, 2008 at 7:17 pm
What advice would you give a man dating a single mom? « Ms. Single Mama
February 21, 2008 at 1:50 am
To my readers: « Ms. Single Mama
February 24, 2008 at 1:45 am
Single moms and the men who love us. « Ms. Single Mama
March 6, 2008 at 1:32 am
Date night. « Ms. Single Mama
March 17, 2008 at 3:53 am
Man up fellas…why? Because you’re the man, damn it. « Ms. Single Mama
April 2, 2008 at 2:11 am
Single Mama Signing Off (for a few days) « Ms. Single Mama
May 16, 2008 at 5:20 pm
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3. « Ms. Single Mama
May 29, 2008 at 9:41 am
How to date a single mom, part 4 | Ms. Single Mama
August 12, 2008 at 6:54 pm
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2 | Ms. Single Mama
August 12, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Date Night with a Single Mom | Ms. Single Mama
August 13, 2008 at 6:41 pm
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 5.
September 2, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Loovya » Blog Archive » How to Date a Single Mom
September 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4 « Ms. Single Mama
September 4, 2008 at 9:26 am
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2 « Ms. Single Mama
September 4, 2008 at 9:28 am
Cabin Fever, Part 3
September 22, 2008 at 8:31 pm
…on dating a single mom « Pickles & Pedicures
February 7, 2009 at 8:57 pm
The beginning.
May 10, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Single Mom Manifesto
August 21, 2010 at 10:03 pm

{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }

Arm Jerker J. November 18, 2007 at 3:50 am

Wow. Way to bring it to the table! Wanna write on MY blog?!!

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Duane in Valdosta, GA. December 4, 2007 at 9:41 pm

WOW ! ……. This is one of the greatest blogs I have ever read !

I stumbled upon this through an eharmony.com sucks google search ……. go figure !

What a shame that you women are not treated as God commanded the husband to do both before and after becoming married.

Read the book “Love must be Tough” by Dr. James Dobson and make sure the one you are with or considering to date does so as well !

Blessings to all of you ” Single Mom’s ”

Duane

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Healing Mom December 21, 2007 at 10:55 pm

You hit the nail on the head! You’ve articulated what I know in my head but couldn’t put into words. Thank you.

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Kenny January 3, 2008 at 4:22 am

I’ve always believed that single moms are very special though I never understood them. If only I’d stumbled upon this blog a few years ago; maybe I wouldn’t have blown it with a very special lady. My loss. Oh, found this site the same way, ehar……sux….

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George January 14, 2008 at 9:20 pm

Hey Mssinglemama,

You’ve made some great points that just
emphasize to me that single mothers
deserve more respect for having the most
important job in the world. To me, the only
“luggage” they bring is extra wisdom and
proper values!

I also have a free advise site for single
parents re-entering the dating world. Would
love to exchange blogroll links with you.
Please email me and keep handing out
those great tips!

George

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milo February 18, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Stumbled upon this site in my attempt to understand the single mom’s point of view, and I have found it o be the most eye-opening and informative site I have come across.
This is all brand-new to me – I have been pursuing the greatest woman I’ve met in years only to find out she has a wonderful 2-year-old…which explains why part of why she is so amazing herself. I asked her out, to which she replied that she needs to be friends first and really establish trust. At first I thought I was being blown-off…I get it now. Patience, understanding, and sincerity pay off I guess – no matter how long it takes. And just as I told her, I’m not going anywhere.
Thanks for providing a service to not only all you strong, independent single mom’s out there, but to the formally clueless guys who love them.

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mssinglemama February 18, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Milo – wow! What a compliment…thank you and you have no idea how much this means to me.

I really wish you the best of luck – and yes, be patient. By not going anywhere there’s a good chance you’ll win her over. She needs to trust you. I like her already. Nice catch!

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milo February 18, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Thanks – that’s a compliment right back :)
I am 29, and forever I have been the one-woman, no ability to BS kinda guy…every girl I’ve ever dated has told me I have no game whatsoever…which I learned to take as a compliment.
The greatest thing about her is that between full-time work, school, and her daughter, she has no time for “game” – what a relief for a guy like me!
I’ll keep you updated, for I now feel myself indebted to you for helping me wrap my head around this.
Wish me luck :)

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Anonymous November 26, 2009 at 3:34 pm

hey i really like this website has so much information to help am glad i find it
and i been reading milo post which is a situation very similar to mine so i wanna ask you if you wanna chat with me to help me understand how get close to this single mom i met i leave my email so let me know okay
regards

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milo February 18, 2008 at 4:44 pm

And no, this is not online talk…this is true…I love this girl. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
Thank you again for the insight.

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mssinglemama February 18, 2008 at 10:24 pm

You’ve got it Milo – we don’t have the time nor the patience for games. As my boyfriend has told me – dating a single mom is like nothing he’s ever experienced before – “you’re just you..all of the time,” he says.

Yes – keep us in touch!!! Can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

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milo February 19, 2008 at 1:18 am

“”“you’re just you..all of the time,” he says. “”

wow…that’s exactly why I fell for her….

What else can you ask for in a relationship? And I’ve gotten nothing but pure honesty from her…and I love it.
And don’t get me wrong – I’ve met plenty of single moms in the past…a few that don’t have their heads screwed on tight, but that’s the same of all women/men/people.

But she’s different….

I’ll never stop thanking you for the insight…and yes, I’ll keep you updated. :)

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Finch February 29, 2008 at 10:49 am

misssinglemama, i, as well, cannot possibly thank you enough for such wonderful eye-opening advice. and milo, your thoughts are almost EXACTLY like mine.

Dating a single mom never even crossed my mind until my current relationship just fell into my lap. Now I couldn’t be happier. We’ve only been dating two months, and I’ve already fallen hard for her. And her three-year-old daughter? Icing on the cake! This relationship actually made me realize that I love kids!

And yes, one thing I love about her more than anything is the complete lack of bullshit games that younger women typically play. I’m not looking at a fake plastic mask, I’m looking at her. just her. No sugarcoating. That’s a bigger turn-on than anything. Because I, like you Milo, have no game. and oh what a relief this is.

I’m still getting used to having to remind her that I am not her ex husband. But That’s a small price to pay. I knew going into this that there will be “baby-daddy drama” and for some strange reason it doesn’t bother me the least.

So thank you for a great column and I hope more guys step up and talk about their experiences with single moms. The more people we hear from the more it’ll help those of us that are new to this.

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mssinglemama February 29, 2008 at 1:08 pm

Thanks Finch!!! I’m SO happy for you … like Milo has promised – please keep us posted. You bring up a great point…the men need to speak up a bit. I want to know more on what it’s like for you guys to date us….

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Ben January 11, 2011 at 12:29 am

read my post ive had quite and exprerience as of late

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whatmenthink March 31, 2008 at 1:18 am

This seems like great advice for someone dating a single mother for the first time. I’m sure I may run into it in the near future, but as of yet I haven’t.

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Dan May 15, 2008 at 3:52 am

>
3. She’s testing you.
>

..how does she know? just when i’m about to give up, blam! there’s a text or voicemail..friggin’ mindreader she is.

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mssinglemama May 15, 2008 at 11:57 am

Dan: We’re crafty like that…

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whatmenthink May 18, 2008 at 6:39 am

“If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on”

This is KEY!

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whatmenthink May 18, 2008 at 6:40 am

“Treat her like a princess”

Apologies… This is MORE KEY!

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AlLaf May 29, 2008 at 2:15 pm

Single mothers who will follow these advices will remain single forever or they will settle for less with with some loser they don’t really like.

In order for a relationship to work, both parties need to feel that it’s equal and balance. That’s been proven time and time again.

Living with a single mother requires a lot of sacrifices from a man (a man without kids that is). It’s concessions 24/7 for a kid that isn’t his. THAT is key. Everyday, he has to accept TWO people in his life because he wanted to be with ONE. The mother therefore has to double her efforts to make the man in question feel happy. Simple math really.

Face it, for most men who aren’t losers and have other options, kids are a turn off. But for some reason, many single moms react like fat women with that bizarre logic of “We’re better once you get to appreciate us” Well, no, that makes no sense. You’re fat, deal with it. Just like you have a kid, which for most men, I repeat, is a turn off.

So what are your options?

Act like a princess? Be picky and demanding?

No. Your option is to be extra nice, extra open-minded, extra comprehensive, extra everything so that the man doesn’t run away as soon as you tell him about your child or eventually, after living with both of you. Just like a guy with a short dick, you start with a handicap. The sooner you accept it, the more likely you are to attract men who are worthy of being called that and not just desperate dudes looking to settle down.

My girlfriend, a single mother, understood that. As soon as she realized I could date any younger, hotter girl without kids. Everyday she makes sure to remind me how lucky she is to be with me, and in return, I feel lucky to have found her as well. But you can be sure, I wouldn’t practically raise her kid, pay for both of them or even spend half a second there if she was as needy as a teenager who thinks she’s rare gem. I might as well go out and find myself one that has no kid if I’m gonna have problems.

I guess what I’m saying to single moms is: don’t pretend you’re great, be great. Otherwise, enjoy that fat guy with no character who’s 10 years older than you.

I’m younger than my girlfriend. I take good care of my body. Everybody says I’m good-looking. I make a lot more money than people my age. I run my own business. I’m smart. I even do most the chores around the house cuz I like cooking a lot.

You might think I’m pretentious. But my girlfriend is AWESOME and she deserves me (or better) in every way. Most single mothers deserve to be…well, single because they treat men like babysitting dildos. Good luck with that.

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mssinglemama May 29, 2008 at 2:38 pm

AILaf – I feel really sorry for your girlfriend … you sound like a royal asshole…and a conceited one at that.

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AlLaf May 29, 2008 at 2:57 pm

Well, for starters english isn’t my first language. So I might be a little direct.

Second, I am not an asshole. I just say things like they are.

Would you date a guy with no money who has no ambition and looks ordinary? Probably not.

So why should any guy complicate his life with a kid that isn’t is?

Simple logic.

I’m not conceited either. I know what I’m worth. I know there are girls out there that would be hard for me to “access”. I’m not perfect. Single mothers should realize they are less attractive on the “market”. It’s normal. Nothing to do with being conceited.

No need to feel sorry for her. She seems quite happy.
Our only problems are ones that we laugh at.

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mssinglemama May 29, 2008 at 3:07 pm

So you are saying that being a single mom is as “bad” on the market as being a low-life guy who makes no money and has no ambition.

I know quite a few men who would have a serious argument with your logic.

And, I can NOT believe you are actually saying that your girlfriend (b/c she’s a single mom) has a handicap.

Having a kid that’s “not yours” is seen by some men as a bonus to the wonderful woman they’ve found. Read more of my blog and you’ll figure that out.

Single moms are THE most courageous, beautiful and loving souls out there … and any man would be lucky to have us and our children.

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AlLaf May 29, 2008 at 3:19 pm

If my girlfriend was single, any guy who would hear the words “I have a son” would back away. I know I did.

Of course, I was 23 back then. I’m not some 37 year old balding dude with a beer belly who dreams of settling down and will pretend other kids are his cuz he didn’t have any.

My girlfriend herself tells me that it’s very hard to find decent guys when you have a kid. I didn’t invent anything. That’s what I meant with my comparisons with fat girls in denial “Why won’t guys like me!” The answer is pretty obvious but they prefer making up excuses about men being conceited and not needing them even though deep down, just like everybody, they’re looking for a soul mate.

Please explain me how you are a more courageous, beautiful and loving soul than a girl with no kid or a girl with a kid who’s still with the father? Because I met some single moms who were horrible bitches. Just like I know 20 years old girls with no kids who fit how you describe yourself. It’s a question of individuals and their values.

I’m sorry, having kids and being single doesn’t warrant all those qualities.

Like I said, stop pretending and start being.

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dadshouse May 29, 2008 at 6:03 pm

As a single dad, I’ve been told by women who date me (some with kids, some without) that I’m nicer, more caring, accepting, understanding, and nurturing than single men who don’t have children. And I’m not balding or have a beer belly.

I think Ms Single Mama’s point is that single parents bring a lot of great qualities to the table. I realize some single people see us having kids as us having baggage, and those people probably aren’t right for us to date. But others see the kids as a positive. To each his own.

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Ben January 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

You all have to remembe your single life in the past was fun you had yours …… a person is sacrificing theirs and is wanting to move up to the big leauges with you. Fore go all the small play and to work around YOUR SCHEDULE! Cut the single folks a break its not about money it has to be about love or want of love or we are all in the wrong spot to beging with! If you people with kids cannot acknowledge that somone is giving up something else its not cuz you have baggage or issues its because your worth it IN SPITE of haveing a child.

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AlLaf May 30, 2008 at 8:51 am

As much as you want to convince yourselves, being a parent doesn’t improve one qualities, education, values, manners…etc.

I see little relation between the two.

If you happen to be more caring, accepting, understanding…etc, all the more power to you, but it’s your personality not because you happen to be a parent.

Some people see kids as a positive, I will agree but those are either very rare or desperate from my experience…especially for men. But having kids doesn’t award you instant qualities, that’s just a lie for people who want to make up for the fact they’re not as attractive on the market.

It’s as if I went jobless tomorrow and I claimed that sitting around all day doing nothing makes me a very relax cool kind of guy and that this brings a lot of to the table. It just makes no sense.

The least a single parent can do is realize what baggage he/she carries. Once that person recognizes that, she can start dating otherwise those dates are all gonna grow unsastified one way or another.

Life isn’t Jerry McGuire.

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collins July 9, 2008 at 6:23 am

hi
i am looking for a single mom to date,interested contact

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cisforcow July 23, 2008 at 4:37 pm

AlLaf, it’s men like you that keep me inside my house on a saturday night with a glass of wine that doesn’t talk back to me.

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Ms. Single Mama July 23, 2008 at 4:42 pm

CisforCow – don’t listen to him.

Just avoid guys like that – that’s all. If anyone sees your child as baggage he’s not worth your time. I think what AiLaf is trying to say is that we, as single parents, need to see dating us through the eyes of someone without a child.

But I hear you on the glass of wine thing – much easier than dating.

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David Paye September 10, 2008 at 12:55 pm

AILaf can be forgiven as English is a second langauge, but wether a person is single or a lone parent, I have found it easier to love someone else, but to love anothers kids is very hard, and in the past I have had relationships flounder as I always put my daughter first, two early relationships finished as untill I was sure that it was long term ,never put myself in the position of my little girl seeing me in bed with someone new ,so some girls found it to be insulting that after the passion to be asked to take to the spare room !

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singlemomdater February 19, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Well, I speak for most men when I say that it is very difficult to accept a son of other person as your own. Of course, they are men who see it as a bonus, but it is a minority of men.

No offense meant. I am not perfect either. It's only for setting the record straight. It is better to accept reality than to live wishful thinking. Wishful thinking is sweet but if you are not rooted in reality you will make bad decisions. And bad decisions is the key of unhappiness.

If your experience dating men is that they are thrilled about the perspective of dating single moms, good for you! Enjoy it and be happy!

But if this is not your experience, please don't think it's something personal. I know that the love you have for your kids is so big and they seem so wonderful to you that you cannot imagine that somebody could label them as "baggage" (awful word, I know). But if this is so, it's better to know it and prove to the people you date that it is not this way. Living in the fantasy goes nowhere.

Althoug AlLaf can be too harsh and offensive, he is right in essence: in average, you have to be nicer than the childless women. I know: it sucks. I don't want you to feel bad. I only want for you to have good dating strategies.

If you think I am wrong, please forget this post. But I think that, even if you dismiss me and insult me, your dating will prove that I am right. If your dating proves that I am wrong, great! Enjoy it and be happy!

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Brian May 13, 2009 at 11:57 pm

I stumbled upon this website seeking some guidance and I'm thrilled at what I've read thus far. I've been dating a single mom for about a year now and though it may have some points of frustration (learning curve), it has been rewarding.

I wanted to make a point regarding "AlLaf"'s post on how being a parent does not improve their qualities. You seem like a logical person, so take this piece of logic.

With each choice anyone and everyone makes comes an experience. More often than not, small or large, the experience, whether good or bad, changes one's ability and characteristic. Becoming a parent is a choice, a choice that pushes the loving parent by human nature to make decisions to ensure that their child(ren) has everything they need and to create a beautiful life ahead of them.

If anything at all, they are wiser in decisions they make (which trickles down to other traits) because they have to. I know this does not necessarily apply to all single parents as I do know there are single parents out there that are completely irresponsible, but to generalize all single parents is judgmental, unfair, and short-sighted.

Your statement about personality…you're really going to tell me that your personality is EXACTLY the same throughout your entire life? I do believe that people don't change over night, but to say that they don't change at all especially with becoming a parent is just ludicrous to say the least.

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Tom August 10, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Thanks for writing this. I was honestly confused before reading this. There were things I didn’t quite get before but now i understand why. Just getting to know her was hard enough. Now i see it will take time, but she is well worth it.

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John November 18, 2009 at 9:26 am

Its sad but true. If you decide to date a single mother, you’d better beware. To many, this seems cold and callous, but there are far more problems with dating single mothers than you’d think.
Single mothers are first and foremost dedicated to their children, (as it should be). If she isn’t, you’ve got an entirely different problem on your hands. You’ll be the one that took her attention away from her kids in the eyes of her family and friends – the “bad guy”. No matter what, you’ll never be “top banana” in her life.
All too often, single mothers are looking for a man to 1) be the father to their children, to help raise them and care for them, 2) to pay the bills, and 3) to give her freedom from the kids for awhile. If the kids have to go to the doctor, she may not be able to afford it and may not have insurance – so you’ll have to pony up. If they need braces, have to go to summer camp, need money for a school trip, etc., she’s likely going to be pretty tight that month. So to look good in her eyes, you’re going to wind up paying these bills. This is a lot to ask someone that isn’t even related to the children!
When you two go out, she’s going to have to find a babysitter for the kids. She can’t do this too often, so your “outings” are going to be limited. Further, this gets very expensive, very quickly – so, instead of getting a sitter, she will begin to include them in your time together. You’ll be paying for meals, theatre tickets, plane trips, and any other expense that comes up while you are together.
Forget anything spontaneous, and absolutely forget sleep-overs. How is she going to find a sitter that will watch the kids until the morning? If you’re at her place, you’re not going to be able to sleep there either. It is rather awkward to wake up and see the kids faces wondering what you’re doing there in the morning!
When it comes to actually raising the children (which includes discipline), you probably won’t have a say. Again, you’re not the father – and the kids know it! Unless the woman is willing to get behind you 100% and to support your decisions in discipline, you’re out of luck.
The women is probably separated or divorced from the children’s father, but you will always have this man’s influence in your life – after all these are his children – not yours. He and she probably have their own battles and you’re going to be right in the middle of them. Also consider, that your values probably will not match his. This means that you will always be at odds with him.
Further, she probably has personal problems with this man, and again, you’re going to be the one listening to it all, supporting her and her problems with him, and you’re not going to have much of a say at all.
In short, unless you’re just dying to have a pre-made family, and can’t make them yourself, you’re in for a real shock. Think twice about it, then think about it again. You better be ready if you decide to take this plunge! Better yet, find a woman without kids – they ARE out there!

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John November 18, 2009 at 9:27 am

Ok, you won’t listen to reason, what should you do?
If you’ve decided to take the plunge head-long into parenthood, or you’re already in that situation, here’s what you should do immediately:
1) Decide what role you’re willing to play with the kids. Be specific and don’t “give over” to what you think the mother would want. You need to decide for yourself.
2) Have a discussion with the mother. You need to work out some specific issues:
• What are her expectation of you with her kids?
• What authority do you have (remember – in your house, YOU get to set the rules), and will she back you up?
• What are her “core values” – those she wants to pass on to her kids?
• What will she tell them about your relationship?
• How does she expect to handle things as you get closer – does she have a plan, or is she going to “wing it”?
3) If you can, meet with the kid’s father. Start by telling him that you’re not trying to compete with him for the kid’s affection, and that you recognize the problems involved. Then, ask him what his “core values” are. As long as they’re not contrary to the mother’s, tell him you’ll try to pass these along when you’re with his kids.
4) Have a discussion with the kids and their mother. Explain that you’re not trying to replace “daddy” – he is a very special person in their lives. But, you and mommy are together and you want to be their friends too. Tell them that you expect them to listen to you (and have mommy agree in front of them!) And, don’t make promises or deals with the kids – this is just to get them involved. Group hug time!
My friend – remember, this is a very difficult thing to pull off – and relationships with unencumbered women are difficult enough. If you succeed, you’re definitely one survivor among many dead.

Ignorance is bliss, but reality is real. Life is hard, but we make it harder by not accepting reality.

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Christopher November 18, 2009 at 8:56 pm

“What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is.”

Sounds like someone learned all they know about relationships through Hope Floats, Crossroads, and The Notebook.

I’m sure you’ll be very successful.

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sander December 16, 2009 at 7:18 pm

I don’t know how to thank you for this article. Like some men, i too have fallen for the grace, power and elegance of a single mother. As we all have different positions and situations nothing is more important than having the power to put thyself in the shoes of the other. Being quite young (23) and not having had the expercience of life as most of your beloved readers (and you) have had, i find myself at the doors of an entire different world.

None the less i try to be all that i can be for the other. And have learned that with time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.

Momentarily (after having dated for a couple of months) she told me that she wants to be friends for now, her ex out of a sudden-after having left her all alone from the start wants to take part in the childs life. At first i was, logically, hurt by the fact of being ‘just’ friends, but soon understood (also with thanks to this article) to always stay postive. I thoughtfully chose her, and with her comes all that she has been through.

What i can give her is my undevoted attention, my empathy, love and all possible possivity. My strength won’t even come close to hers but even so i try to take my role.

Again, thanks for all the articles.

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JOSEPHINE REYES November 5, 2010 at 7:14 am

IM JOSEHINE 31 YRS OLD FRM PHILIPINES IM SINGLE MOM,

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Gregory February 27, 2011 at 2:43 am

Like most men I found this site by doing a Google search about dating single moms. I am currently dating a single mom, and I have fallen hard for her. She has fallen hard for me too, and that is the point.

While I think the author of this blog makes some good points, this all seems to be one sided advice. With all of this talk of treating her like a princess, where is there talk of her treating him like a prince? Yes, it takes a lot to be a single mom, but it also takes a huge commitment for a single guy to want to raise children that aren’t his, and I believe single moms should be grateful to have a single man who does. I love my girlfriend’s daughter, she is the sweetest little girl, and my girlfriend in turn is so grateful that I agreed to be the father to her she never had from the biological dad.

So I guess my point is, I think the blog writer needs to come down from her pulpit and realize a relationship like anything is a two way street, and the respect, love, trust, and work that goes into it is a two way street, regardless of one party being a single parent. My girlfriend is not American, she is South American, and she doesn’t have the typical American woman attitude that they should all be treated like princesses. I do anyway because I love her so much, but she didn’t come into the relationship expecting it, demanding it, the way American women seem to. A woman who thinks like that, and expects that, is creating a great recipe for single hood, which is why I encounter so many bitter, single American woman. They are all expecting lots of “stuff” from a man, and don’t feel they have any obligation to give in return, and that is not the way a healthy relationship is supposed to work.

Best of luck to the blog writer. Again, some good advice for dating a single mom, but in its current form the advice is lopsided. It’s not just what the single mom should expect from her boyfriend, but what the boyfriend should expect from the single mom/woman in his life too.

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singlemum fuker May 9, 2011 at 5:56 am

why shouldn’t you mess around and string along single mums, there high level of insecurity about their baggage and stretch marks makes them a perfect target>? ]:-)

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Tin tin June 13, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Hi, I came across this site by chance. I’m a single mum. I want to hightlight that not all single mum marry cos they want their kid to have an instant father and start paying fir the kids stuff. I personally feel that my child is my responsibility. I don expect my new partner to pay for her expenses, not even travel expenses. Single mum dating needs lot of time management. Although this is tough, but this is not impossible. Single mums out there, please do not devalue yourself. I hate what AlLaf’s post. He think he is so great. Just another loser who wants to devalue others to make himself look great. Come on! Face it loser! I bet your girlfriend will not stay with you so long, unless she is a retard. Amen single mums!

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pointofview June 24, 2011 at 5:46 pm

tried dating a single mom. too much insecurity, too many issues. manageable, i don’t think so. her former bf who bump her a kid the last 10 yrs as if just happened yesterday. can’t seem to have an identity of my own, always mistrusts me as and even described as similar to her past bf. paranoia i suppose.

i give up its a useless effort. its probably best it worked out this way. could be more problems later, and i will not spare time for someone who is obviously emotionally tangled. charge to experience. better look for some nice uncommitted lady.

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Justin July 14, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I found your sight looking for answers and I got great answers! I still need some guidance or advice though. Me and the single mom have been talking for a bit and she let me meet her two little boys, ages 3 years and 9 moths, for ice cream.
The first thing her oldest did he when he got out of the car was to ask, “daddy?” I just laughed and she apologized. She told me she was a smart ass so after we laughed I said kinda loudly, “WHAT this explains why they don’t look like me.” She laughed even harder and we got ice cream. A day latter she invited me to help her paint her new house. I jumped on the opportunity. I also got to meet her mother there too. We did this for three days, and she told me the second day her mom asked her if she was sure I didn’t have kids because every time the 9 month old made a weird noise I was there to check on him. So I got points with grandmama and her. Also she told me that the youngest had stranger anxiety and by the second and third day he was allowing me to pick him up and he even started to fall asleep with me holding him. That made me fell good. We got to talk during those three days and the third day as we packed up to leave, her oldest and I looked out back because he wanted to show me the deer tracks he found, he was good at finding them too! I help her buckle him in and said my good byes to the boys. She gave me a big hug while asking me, “how did you get my boys attached already?” I just smiled and told her I was just being me. Then she gave me a kiss. Best payment for painting ever!
She didn’t talk to me for a day or two after all this and I just waited it out. She messaged me on the phone and all was good. It seams that we will get close and end up kissing she spooks for a day or so. I know I’m supposes to be just wait but I don’t understand why this happens. We are both going to school still, she is 26 and I’m 24. I am about to move back to school, an hour down the road, and I’m home on weekends to work and have plenty of time to come home. We talked and she said she wants to still keep talking which makes me happy. She is real all the time and just everything I have not been able to find in anyone else. I forgot to mention I have been coaching gymnastics since ’05 and parents tell me all the time I need to have my own kids so I had a leg up when I met up with her boys. The question I guess I’m asking is how do I react to her being spooked every time we get close or kiss?

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Paul August 16, 2011 at 2:05 am

Wow, thank you so much for this awesome BLOG. It is very informative and I will take what I have learnt to my first date with a wonderful single Mum I met online. We have been conversing via email now for about 2 months and next month she is coming back to Australia to live again. When she gets here and settles in she will be inviting me to dinner so we may meet in person. I am almost 40 never been married or have kids and have had few relationships in my adult life as I have seen too many friends get married only to break up and destroy those families they made together. But now I am ready to settle down with the right person and I am hoping it is this single Mum I have interest in. Finding your BLOG has helped me to prepare for our first meeting and I shall save this site so I can let you know how it went.

Again thank you for the great information.

Paul

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smartmamma August 30, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Wow! Guys guys guys… Please go back and reread the original post! At no point does mssinglemama say that single moms are better than single non-moms! Nor does she say that 100% of single moms are awesome. Unfortunately, there are messed up single moms just like there are messed up single non-moms.

What disturbed me most about some of the responses to this post (no need to call anyone out… You know who you are) were these 2 points:

1. Several of you commented about having to bend to the single moms will, having to give up your wants, desires, etc. to conform to what she wants. Where did the original post say that? A relationship with a single mom is still a relationship. Both parties still need to make sacrifices. We know that. We expect nothing less. Please understand something… We are juggling every moment of every day. That’s not a complaint, its a fact. We are expert jugglers out of necessity. For example, I am a completely solo parent, no father in the picture. I work insane hours to support my dd, then come home and try to squeeze as much time in with her as possible before she goes to bed, then I get me time. I tell you this only to give an example of the logistics involved in going out on a date. I can’t bring her with me on a date… That’s not fair to her or you. I can’t just conjure up a sitter, they have lives and schedules too. We aren’t on a power or control trip, we are on a tight schedule with very real scheduling challenges! We don’t want you to give up your selves, we just want you to understand why we seem so hard to schedule a date with.

2. This point is the most important… This post is intended to be hints and tips for men who WANT TO DATE A SINGLE MOM! If that’s not you, ok. Skip the post and move on. I don’t want to date bodybuilders or men who have young children of their own (ironic, huh?). So I don’t read articles about how to date those types of men, and if I ever did I would certainly not comment on how self-centered or annoying I thought they were. To each his own. Single moms do not want to date men who see our kids as a liability. It would never work. So if you don’t want a relationship with a single mom, please… Don’t pursue one. And please… Don’t take mssinglemama’s post as anything other than advice for those men who do want a single mom in their lives.

Oh and ps… If you need to be in control, you really shouldn’t be dating. That goes for guys, girls, parents, childless… Everyone!

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Lucy McBees October 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm

It seems to be very very valueable and I love it. Great community. I find great resource of the info thank you mom.

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Margie December 17, 2011 at 10:41 pm

A really good answer, full of raintoality!

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fjhogm December 18, 2011 at 5:06 am
amffgip December 20, 2011 at 7:08 am
Dwayne October 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

There is some great advice and perspective here. I recently reconnected with an old sweetheart who is also a single mom. Thanks to the insight here I know I have to be patient. She isnt blowing me off, I know that now. I have to be patient because I am completely in love with her. It just hurts that I cant see her as often as I would selfishly like to. I know in time she is worth it-thanks

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David October 27, 2011 at 2:15 pm

The only problem I have with single moms is that MOST of the time, the father of the children is around! They want to see their children, or have joint custody. They might still be battling legally, etc. It’s a nightmare. They don’t like you being “dad” around their kids, etc. You want to knock him out, but that can possibly cause her to loose custody of the kids, and not doing anything about it raises your blood pressure. I’d rather he just pay child support!

I’ve seen a lot of my friends and cousins who have single mothers bring in a new boyfriend every 6 months- a year or so. My fear is being “that step dad” and never the “dad”.

I’ve dated a single mom, and she was wonderful, but I didn’t want to deal with the problems and challenges. Just about all of the problems were with the father of the child. He didn’t like me being “dad” to his kid. Her family only wanted him to come to the family get together. Not because they didn’t like me, but because his family was there too, and we don’t like each other… What a nightmare. Thinking I would have to deal with this problem for another 18 or more years is enough to make me go crazy. I’m sure problems and challenges were more specific to the woman I dated, but for now, I’m holding off on single moms. Hopefully I can find one without the baby daddy in the picture! Just stick to paying child support.

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Elisa Knight November 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I just have to say that it’s very difficult for single mom’s but what about the one’s like me? My husband passed away and I’m raising a 16 yr old. boy and a 10 month old baby girl. I’m a widow doing this on my own and I’m only 41 yrs. old. I appreciate my life and all that I have but I’ve found this dating thing hard. Especially when I see so much negativity in men. I realize my life is a gift and want to say please have some understanding and empathy. Life can be hard but it’s what you do with it that makes it all worth while!

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Mike January 29, 2012 at 2:15 am

I just wanted to say thank you for your blog!
After a bad relationship of 4 years I have gotten back in contact with an old friend from high school, it has been 10 years since we have spoken and we used to get along so well but somewhere along the line lost contact.
This friend now has two gorgeous boys of two and six, they are just like their mummy. :) She is now single and has also been through a bad relationship.
At this stage we are just good friends, we have so much in common and have a great time with eachother. I am trying to take things slowly because there are children involved, but… I really have fallen for this loverly lady and love her kids also :) I definitely don’t see her children as baggage, quite the opposite actually.
I am 30 and have wanted children for a few years now so her kids are a refreshing change to my life, they are great kids and I love spending time with them.
What I’ve taken from your blog is to be myself and really, just be a decent man… If I do this and nothing develops beyond a friendship I can still come out of it with the best friend I’ve ever had.

Thank you!
Mike

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singlemom702 February 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm

im dating a single guy ( no kids ) . i been seeing him for over a year now. not easy at all. he loves me but whenever my kids around the weekends we always end up arguing. i love him but i love my kids more :(

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Bobol March 12, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Bonjour,

Fact: Remember guys, when you end your relationship with a single mom you may be liable to pay child support to the mother for years, even if the child is not yours! A judge will decide that! Do yo really want to expose yourself to that risk?

Apparently the author of this blog did not bother to mention this. I wonder why?

Best,

Bobol

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Raymond Lum March 18, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I meet single mother about 6 month ago. It’s been hard (I should of Google ‘dating a single mother in the beginning’.
Her son is 13 months I come into his life when he was between 8-9 months ago.
We are friends at the moment. This great advice I have to be very patience too. The Father is out of the picture (for the moment he may come to his senses and come back I don’t know)
Anyway I will keep reading this blog and add a link to your blog to mine.
Raymond from Cromwell, New Zealand

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Solo Mum NZ July 16, 2012 at 6:10 am

Awesome blog!

I was a solo mum for 3 years before I started dating a guy. We were both very lonely and loved spending time together, and moved in together too quick. A year later he found it all too overwhelming and left us. My daughter had started to call him dad. It’s very hard to explain to her that he has left. I wish we had read this blog in the beginning as well as the one for solo mums dating a guy. We may have understood the situation better.

I hope lots of guys out there take this great advice! And I hope solo mums read your other blogs too. As for me, I know better for future :)

thank you!!

p.s. hats off to the guys that google’d this ;) good on you for putting in the effort!

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Stinky Feet August 20, 2012 at 3:04 am

Single moms are single for a reason, especially here in the good ‘ole US of A. If they’re not whacked out on anti-depressants, they’re knocking back the Kendall Jackson Chard like a boss. If you elect to step into the cross-hairs formally occupied by ex-daddy-vaportrail, you’re the target du jour. Break out the wallet, Mr. Nice Guy. That child support check she gets, if she gets it, might pay some things but you and you’re income are paying the rest, dude! Good luck to you, chump. And, in year or so as you begin talking to yourself, you might get the sneaking suspicion that ex-vapor trail is laughing at you; guess what? He is.

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Max January 27, 2014 at 9:06 am

Hi there, I heard it said on other peoples(males’) videos, that the children are always first place before you in a relationship, can you qualify this statement? Should men go into this as if they are dating the kids as well? I am not saying single moms don’t deserve to find love or be considered ‘damaged goods” but it does seem so complicated for someone comtemplating relationship. As opposed to having a relationship with a childless woman,especially if your desire is to have children with someone in the future.
It is hard if we find someone attractive and then decide to take the plunge in the face of difficulties of dating someone with this personal circumstance.

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