It’s been two weeks now since the Ex has made it up to see his son. His car is broken down because he drove it without oil. Coincidentally Benjamin has also been sick, sick, sick. I have now missed four days of work and will be missing two more. I am also broke because I’ve had to pay for an extra two days of childcare each week.
I called him today en route to the hospital. Benjamin had a fever of 104.5 and I thought he should know about it. “Oh,” he says, “well, I’m in a meeting, I’ll call you back.” Click. Hmmm. That was nice.
I called him tonight to vent a bit. I know, I know. I should just let it go. He’s completely out of our lives now but when I’m missing days upon days at work and he doesn’t even seem concerned or offer to take a day off from his job I can’t help but get a bit upset.
“I understand,” he says.
“No you don’t.” I snap. “You don’t understand. How could you understand? You have never, ever had to take a day off from work to take care of your son when he’s sick.”
What he says next blows my mind. “If we were married I would. But, my boss is not going to give me a day off to take care of my ex-wife’s kid. We are not a family anymore.”
“What? He’s your son. You mean he is less of a son to you because we’re not married? Your boss can’t think that unless you think that. He is your son.” I should probably just hang up at this point but I can’t. I am so pissed. I hate him. “It was your choice to leave me,” he says, “it was your choice and now you have to deal with it.”
Was it my choice? Yes, the idea of actually still being with him, had I stayed, makes my skin crawl. I mean being a single mom is tough but being with a husband like him was a hell of a lot harder. He was cold, insensitive, hurtful and down right useless. But it was his choice to give me no choice.
The conversation, if you want to call it that, just gets worse because now he’s on a roll. “You’re just upset because I’m in a relationship, and you’re alone, so you’re pissed and you’re yelling at me.” He’s now on month 9 of a relationship with another single mother. Her son is 6 and they’re now living together. Poor her. Poor kid.”No, I just want you to be more of a responsible father. He is your son and you have to act like his father. So, I need the money for the last two weeks of daycare, since you’ve been gone.”
“You can bill me. I’ll pay it when I can. I’m helping out around here now, because we live together and I have to help. You don’t need it anyway you make more money than Trisha does and she makes it work. Why can’t you make it work? You should find a cheaper daycare.” My head is spinning now. He won’t pay me back. He is paying her bills. And he would actually skimp on our son’s daycare.
This coming from a man who just lives off of women. Now he’s found a new one. I know he never really loved me and I just have a feeling he doesn’t really love her either. Now he has a roof over his head and another self-supporting single mother. I asked him after he told me he was moving in with her, “so are you going to marry her?” He shook his head, “no way.”
I looked at him dead in the eye and said, “what if someone did that to Benjamin and I? What if?” He just looked back at me and then looked away. I felt like he might have understood, if even for a split second.
So, yes it was my choice. If he would have had it his way right now he would be sitting on MY couch, drinking MY beer, eating MY groceries and treating me like shit. I just wish he weren’t on another single mom’s couch right now. I wish I could warn her.
Filed under: The Father (My Ex), Why I am a single mother | Tagged: child support, dead beat dads, Divorce, single mom, single mother, single parenting, The Father (My Ex)
Let me say I hear ya…loud and clear at that. I’m going to do a video on youtube about this matter, because it’s a sickness in the black community almost like, rapping a child, and killing it’s mother all at the same time.
That’s how painful the ordeal can be to the mind and spirit.
Hang in their…Peace.
I didn’t understand the previous response or what race has to do with your situation, but let me say that I think your ex is a jerk! All this time (since I’ve been separated from my husband) I’ve envied other single moms who have some interaction/help/communication with their exes where their children are concerned. My ex walked out on us when our daughter was born. We tried reconcilation many times (him, because he supposedly felt bad and wanted his family back; me, because my old self still loved this schmuck and because I desperately wanted our child to have the benefit of both parents). After a roller coaster relationship and him leaving a few more times, I finally came to the realization that this “man” would never change and I couldn’t make him be someone he just wasn’t (a normal, decent human being with morals and compassion for his wife and kid!) So…I let go. However, I never, ever told him that he was relieved of his obligation to be a parent. As luck would have it, he stopped coming to see our daughter, stopped calling, and couldn’t care less.
I’ve been hurt, angry, and most of all disappointed that I made such a poor choice in a life partner and now my daughter has to “pay” by being neglected by her own father.
But after reading your article, I must say, I am at least fortunate that I don’t have the stress and aggravation that came with trying to deal with him. He is soooo ignorant, so selfish, and so stubborn that it’s very difficult to talk to him, much less have an adult conversation with him about parenting or anything at all concerning our daughter. But I am at peace. He has moved on and lives with a woman and you know what, I pity her. If she hasn’t seen the light yet, she will. So if your ex would prefer to help someone else with her child and neglect his own, you keep your head up and do what you have to do. Resist the urge to argue with him, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will come around. If not, know that you are the better parent, and the better person!
Wow, thanks so much for the encouragement. On a day when I need it more than ever. It’s now been three weeks since we’ve seen him. Yesterday he said he’d bought a used beater and would be up today. Tonight, as I’m laying here absolutely sick as a dog with a fever, he isn’t even answering his phone. I know what you mean – I would rather just not deal with him at all. I’m thinking of fighting for full custody. I know I would win. Since leaving him I have always said I would never do anything to push him away, but now that he’s pulling himself away, I just want to make the choice for him.
Thanks so much for reading! I love that this post made you feel a bit better about your situation, which sounds so hard! Us single moms are truly the bravest people I’ve ever encountered.
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