It’s been two weeks now since Benjamin’s father has seen his son.
His car is broken down because he drove it without oil. Sigh.
Coincidentally Benjamin has also been sick, sick, sick. I have missed four days of work and will be missing two more. I am also broke because I’ve had to pay for an extra two days of childcare each week.
I called him today en route to the hospital today. Benjamin had a fever of 104.5 and I thought he should know about it.
“Oh,” he says, “Well, I’m in a meeting, I’ll call you back.” CLICK.
I called him tonight to vent a bit. I know, I know. Should have let it go. He’s completely out of our lives now but when I’m missing days upon days of work and he doesn’t even seem concerned or offer to take a day off from his job I get upset.
“I understand,” he says.
“No you don’t.” I snap. “You don’t understand. How could you understand? You have never, ever had to take a day off from work to take care of your son when he’s sick.”
What he says next blew my mind.
“If we were married I would. But, my boss is not going to give me a day off to take care of my ex-wife’s kid. We are not a family anymore.”
“What?!!! He’s your son. You mean he is less of a son to you because we’re not married? Your boss can’t think that unless you think that.”
I should have hung up at this point but I didn’t. And then he drops this bomb (not the first time).
“It was your choice to leave me,” he says, “it was your choice and now you have to deal with it.”
Was it really my choice to be a single mom? Yes, in that the idea of actually still being with him, had I stayed, makes my skin crawl. Being a single mom is tough but being with a husband like him was a hell of a lot harder. He was cold, insensitive, hurtful and down right useless.
He’s now on month 9 of a relationship with another single mother. Her son is 6 and they’re now living together. Poor her. Poor kid.
If he would have had it his way, right now he would be sitting on MY couch, drinking MY beer, eating MY groceries and treating me like shit. I just wish he weren’t on another single mom’s couch right now. I wish I could warn her.
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Let me say I hear ya…loud and clear at that. I’m going to do a video on youtube about this matter, because it’s a sickness in the black community almost like, rapping a child, and killing it’s mother all at the same time.
That’s how painful the ordeal can be to the mind and spirit.
Hang in their…Peace.
I didn’t understand the previous response or what race has to do with your situation, but let me say that I think your ex is a jerk! All this time (since I’ve been separated from my husband) I’ve envied other single moms who have some interaction/help/communication with their exes where their children are concerned. My ex walked out on us when our daughter was born. We tried reconcilation many times (him, because he supposedly felt bad and wanted his family back; me, because my old self still loved this schmuck and because I desperately wanted our child to have the benefit of both parents). After a roller coaster relationship and him leaving a few more times, I finally came to the realization that this “man” would never change and I couldn’t make him be someone he just wasn’t (a normal, decent human being with morals and compassion for his wife and kid!) So…I let go. However, I never, ever told him that he was relieved of his obligation to be a parent. As luck would have it, he stopped coming to see our daughter, stopped calling, and couldn’t care less.
I’ve been hurt, angry, and most of all disappointed that I made such a poor choice in a life partner and now my daughter has to “pay” by being neglected by her own father.
But after reading your article, I must say, I am at least fortunate that I don’t have the stress and aggravation that came with trying to deal with him. He is soooo ignorant, so selfish, and so stubborn that it’s very difficult to talk to him, much less have an adult conversation with him about parenting or anything at all concerning our daughter. But I am at peace. He has moved on and lives with a woman and you know what, I pity her. If she hasn’t seen the light yet, she will. So if your ex would prefer to help someone else with her child and neglect his own, you keep your head up and do what you have to do. Resist the urge to argue with him, and maybe, just maybe, one day he will come around. If not, know that you are the better parent, and the better person!
Wow, thanks so much for the encouragement. On a day when I need it more than ever. It’s now been three weeks since we’ve seen him. Yesterday he said he’d bought a used beater and would be up today. Tonight, as I’m laying here absolutely sick as a dog with a fever, he isn’t even answering his phone. I know what you mean – I would rather just not deal with him at all. I’m thinking of fighting for full custody. I know I would win. Since leaving him I have always said I would never do anything to push him away, but now that he’s pulling himself away, I just want to make the choice for him.
Thanks so much for reading! I love that this post made you feel a bit better about your situation, which sounds so hard! Us single moms are truly the bravest people I’ve ever encountered.
“It was his choice to give me no choice”
I’m going to steal this!
Go right ahead!!! I love that one too. Another one of my stunning revelations. : )
I’m just going through your archives now and reading some random posts….this one really resonated with me. I hear – often – from my ex husband that it was MY choice to leave, and so I basically have to “suck up” the difficulties that I am faced with. The good news is that he’s NOT a dead-beat dad – he’s a GREAT father to his girls….just not so great as a husband.
I hate the fact that he’s soooo unwilling to take responsibility for his part in the failure of our marriage. Sure, I was the one who decided that I couldn’t do it anymore…but he had a very big hand in helping me to reach that point. I guess that some people tell themselves whatever they have to, in order to be able to sleep at night…
Remarks of this kind are just a game I call “Drunk Thinking.”
To meet him where his mind is can be a real trick, and admit it, you don’t want to go THERE — instead, look for areas where you both agree. Agree that you chose not to stay married, and say something like, “Yes, it’s true I chose not to be married, you may be right.”
Steer clear of “Drunk Thinking” … keep your eyes on the road of mutual agreements. WARNING: may cause erections.
Yes, you are a single mom by choice. Not for dumping your pathetic ex (well done)but for choosing him to be the father of your child. I see responsible men being rejected every day while jerks get all the woman.
He has always been a jerk (and you have always known how he was but you wanted to delude yourself because he was exciting). So everybody reaps what he/she sows. Now accept the responsibility and move on, instead of blaming other people of your own mistakes. An adult admits his/her mistakes. A child want to blame the world for them.