Just when I thought I was safe…
Six weeks ago I had reached a point of complete contentment with being single.
Over the past year and a half I have been looking, searching for someone. There was a pattern. I liked a guy. We hit it off. I scared him off. My friends told me, “You’re calling him too much.”
“What? I have a child. Do I really have to play these dating games anymore?”
“Great,” I said, “Then I’ll get rid of him quickly. If he doesn’t want a phone call from me, why would I want to be with him?” It was like a reflex, something inside of me trying to protect our little life from being broken.
“There are rules,” my friends would say. Rules? Oh, yeah. Those damn rules. I used to play by the rules. I used to be a dating diva, often dating more than one guy at once. It was my independence that attracted them. But after being married for two years and a mother for nearly two years I have completely lost my edge. It just can’t happen.
I can’t see myself ever returning to those days of care free dating.
So, what’s a single mom to do? Forget about it. And that’s what I did. I decided not to date a guy who makes me feel like I have to play by the rules. No more games. They are either completely into me or they aren’t. And I have to be completely into them because this single thing is actually pretty damn cool.
I was at a coffee shop, enjoying my new found indifference when fate took over.
My phone rang. It was an old friend and she desperately needed a ride out to a bar in the suburbs. A place where I never venture past dark. I hate the suburbs, especially bars in the suburbs.
I can’t say no - she’s desperate.We get there and I find out she’s meeting two completely drunk men in their late 50’s. Not my bag. I head outside for a cigarette.
I’m still enjoying my own company, not striking up conversations with any of the men around me - completely content. And then a guy sits down at my table. He starts up a conversation. I’m witty, I’m funny, I’m happy because I just don’t care. And then his friend walks in, “This is Kris,” he says.
Oh no. Oh God, he’s cute, really cute. He’s wearing a vintage suit, he is tall, thick dark brown hair, big green eyes. I couldn’t have dreamt up a better guy for me - just based on looks. I still didn’t care. But I wanted to find out - is he intelligent, is he funny? I can’t go back inside and talk to the old creepy men.
So I test the waters with some witty comments a guy for me would understand. He sits up in his chair.
“We’ve got a smart one here,” his buddy says to him. He nods. His eyes are light now, his smile is huge and he’s actually excited… so am I. Damn it.
From this point on it’s all over. We were laughing and talking all night. Before I left the bar I got his number, called his phone so he had mine and invited them out for Friday night. When we left, Kris grabbed me in a big hug. A hug that was so incredibly refreshing. He’s young, he’s innocent, he doesn’t have any baggage. He just wants to be with me. There were no rules in that hug.
That night I had a dream - about him.
We were kissing, we were together. What??? I had a dream about a man? This never happens. I was married for two years and had only a few dreams about my own husband. I woke up and decided to text him. That dream was an incredible tease.
“Thanks for the hug.”
He wrote back, “No problem, you’re a sweetie and very hugable. I’ve got class until 8:00 - after that I’ll be feeling like calling you.” He called at 8:15. No stress. Completely adorable and now it’s been three weeks. We talk on the phone at least two times day, we see each other two nights a week. I don’t feel myself losing control because this time around I am gauging this relationship against my content single frame of mind.
Note to self - you can not be happy with someone else, unless you are completely happy with yourself.
Getting there is the tough part.
**UPDATE**
To find out what happened with Kris, click here.
Filed under: Dating, sex and love, Falling in Love, Uncategorized
This couldn’t be a better testimonial for just BEING OK WITH SINGLE! Sometimes the best people are drawn to you. Can’t say it’s happen for me lately though!!
I decided not to date a guy who makes me feel like I have to play by the rules. They are either completely into me or they aren’t. And I have to be completely into them - because this single thing is actually pretty damn cool
That is so true. But I will have to admit, I just never can tell with guys I meet at a bar. I’ve now tread so very lightly now.
Good luck with it all because everyone deserves to be happy–with or without another person. By the way, I’m thinking you will be my next interview. I should be cooking up questions soon…
I know what you mean. Not being able to tell. It’s a horrible feeling and stresses me out. It’s why I vote for letting them come to you. Letting them throw themselves at you. Usually when I throw myself at a guy I’ll snag him for a little while, but then realize he’s just not that into me. But yes, being single is a phenomenal experience. I have been dating for a year and a half but have yet to actually have a serious boyfriend. Hopefully I’ll be able to just ride this one out instead of running away in fear of losing my precious autonomy.
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I like your last note and so true too. You have to be happy yourself FIRST.
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