I’ve been out and about in the single mom dating world for over a year now. I’ve had ups, downs and the spins! Here are a few of the tips I feel compelled to pass on.
And make sure you check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2.
- Date him – ONLY – if you are truly happier. Remember you and your child/ren can be completely content and happy without a man in your life. If a man wants in – he has to earn it.
- Watch for red flags: lack of goals, laziness, fakeness, cockiness, selfishness or the inability to make you laugh. Everyone has their own set of red flags. Listen to yours.
- Learn to differentiate between red flags and that nice little “push him away” reflex you’ve developed now that you have a child. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Learn to recognize when you are starting to test him. I’ve noticed recently that part of me is wired now to test the men I’m dating. I set them up with baited questions and they either pass or they fail. The test comes in handy but is sometimes unnecessary.
- Don’t freak him out. Give him his own space to figure out your reality. Make sure he knows you understand this is a lot for him to take in. If he says, “oh, it’s no big deal, a baby can’t be that bad.” Just count to ten and smile. Let the little things go, the big things will follow in their own time.
- He will not instantly understand your life or be able to empathize with your situation. That would be impossible. Be rational about it and watch for signs of him trying to understand. Is he really watching? Is he really listening?
- If he’s not calling you frequently or not making future dates – ditch him immediately. You don’t have time for rif raf.
- Try to resist putting a time line on anything. For ex: “I’ll give him two more months to change.” Not a good idea. People grow and change on their own terms and on their own time. You don’t know his pace, and he doesn’t know yours. Just watch for little signs of improvement on his goals and your goals as a couple.
- Men are the same. We have just changed. Sometimes this one hits me like a slap in the face. They’re still completely able to fall madly in love with you, commit to you or they’re able to hurt you without even knowing it.
- It will get easier. I’ve been a single dating mom for 15 months. Each round gets easier. Each one gets better. As long as you’re making improvements on choosing men, that’s progress! And it will get easier to quickly spot the frogs from the princes.
- Keep yourself out there. Don’t try once or twice and give up. You are shopping. Don’t tell me you would never go shoe shopping again if you bought a few uncomfortable pairs.
Like I said to the man in my life last night, “Benjamin and I have a pretty good life here and anyone who wants to crash the party has to be up to snuff.” His answer, “I completely understand.” He doesn’t really understand but he is trying. Definitely a good sign.
Good luck single mamas! This stuff isn’t easy.
Want more? Check out Single Mom Dating Tips, Part 2
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You’ve recognized one of the conundrums for single moms who are dating – we often don’t have the time to “give” as much as single women without children. It’s why when you do find the “right” man for you and your children it should be effortless. As effortless as possible. Dating with a child is one of the most stressful things a woman can take on. So it’s why I find that the “good ones” are willing to give a bit more than they receive. Making our lives easier, not harder. I guess I’m an old-fashioned girl at heart. And with that point, we will just have to agree to disagree and wait and see about those cats. : )
yep, that’s the way it going to have to be – wait and see. Good luck though! I actually do have an idea of how hard it is.
Yep, either he picks up the garbage cans blown over in your drive, or he doesn’t.
Then when he does, either he drops you off at the door when it’s pouring, or he doesn’t.
Then when he does, either he loves you or he doesn’t.
And how could he, when you never even gave him the chance to know you?
So many tests we have, us single moms. Damn, life was easier back in the day, and not just cause part of the tuition budget was beer money.
Reading this it has some good information and some bad information in my opinion. First, you’ve got a contradiction: “give him his own space” yet “if he’s not calling you frequently…ditch him.” Wow, which is it?
As a single father I understand just how hard it is to date with children, and even single men understand that not all of your time is your own, but you also have to understand that choosing to date a single mom is a large commitment for us as well. It’s not just about you. We’re signing up for something larger than regular dating as well. So, if we’re not calling, we may be evaluating our commitment or maybe we need to take a breath. You write as if you’re on some kind of timeline, even though you say don’t create one. Day in and out, you might not have enough hours to devote to dating, but if I need a few days to think about things or to make sure that I’m doing what’s good for both of us, don’t I deserve that as well? This evaluation doesn’t make me riff raff, it makes me responsible knowing that more than just our feelings are at stake.
Also, men are not the same, and neither is love. We’re snowflakes (not just flakes). We’re all different, handle things differently, think differently, so how we handle our relationship won’t be the same as how the last guy you were with handled it.
And, in your evaluation of me, it’s much better if you are direct. I understand that I’m being interviewed for more than just a boyfriend position. These little tests you create secretly suck and make me feel untrusted and belittled. If you want respect, give it and tell me what you’re thinking, what doubts you have about me. Give me the chance to be honest and fair instead of setting me up for a pop quiz where I may not be looking and fail by default.
But, do keep yourself out there. Someone’s going to love you unconditionally if they can see enough of who you truly are.
And it will get easier as you realize what it is you’re really looking for, and how to screen out those of us you’re not looking for before you get too far down the road.
I think you’re absolutely right, Not From Mars. You raise some really good points…I guess it would sound like I’m contradicting myself a bit. But, what I mean by give him his own space – is give him his on mental space to take in your reality. To not overwhelm him at the beginning. And to not expect too much of him at the beginning. Mental head space in my mind is different from a man who just isn’t calling often or making future dates. These men are a bit worrisome because I tend to doubt their intentions. As a single mother, with full custody of my son, I don’t have time for men who aren’t “chasing” me. I don’t like to be chasing someone, it stresses me out and I just don’t have the mental energy or time for it. I don’t know a single mother who does. And yes, all men are different. Sorry to sound a bit belittling with this post – just trying to make some short, brief and valid points. Could probably write a novel on each one of them! Thanks for your comment.
I agree with you on the point on that the “good ones” are willing to give a bit more than they receive. Maybe I am wrong, as it is from a guy’s point of view, it is especially important for a guy to be extra patient if he is dating a single mom. He will have to understand that the she might have been through a bad relationship in the past and not to be too impatient in getting her to commit. Give her the extra allowance and patience. Be concerned not only to her but also to her kid(s).
Yep. Definitely BK – well said!
Interesting…that only one woman has responded to this post – and it’s one of the most popular entries on my blog. Ladies??? What do you think?
I'm a single mom of 2 children and i recently gave this guy (stanger) my phone number i've known him from a local gas station for about 4 months or more) and i would talk to him when i would go there which was at least once a day..i just left a 8 year relationship( 3 weeks ago) and didnt shed a tear and nor do i even care to see the ex if it wasnt for my children he doesnt even really do much or visit with either, is it to early to start dating already without the children
involved at first intil i got to know him as a person myself he . but i had given him my number to a co worker that worked with him and then i seen him the next day and he ask why didnt i just give it to him does taht show him signs that i may not be sure about him because i am just a totally shy girl when it comes to talking to guys.. then he walked out to my car with me and offered to hang out with my kids the first time we would hang out i think thats a little odd of a guy but then i get the feeling he knows i'm a single mom and is maybe just a careing guy coud it be possiable i am only 24 and was 18 when i had my first child and i never dated before the father of my kids was my first boyfriend…very confused on how to take the simple fact that he offered to take the kids out somewhere on a first time meeting
I love it! When I got divorced, I was so busy trying to replace "the husband" that I lost sight of the whole process and how fun it is to meet new people and really get to know them. I found a great article when I was googling "how to find a husband" that put it all into focus: http://www.dating-relationship-advice-for-women.c... Take it easy, girl! Have some fun. No more losers. This is your life!
At first I was terrified how it would affect my children, that I had two precious little girls to protect ON TOP OF being sexy and funny and engaging and found myself wondering what kind of a daddy he'd be. The line about dating only the people who make your life happier is the most important!
Slow down girls and get to know a guy WAY BEFORE he even has a chance to meet your children! Only the kings get to come into the castle. You'll be happier and your kids will thank you in the long run by having the best possible role model for how to live a happy life. Thanks!
I have been talking to a guy for a few weeks, Just over the phone. He says he is falling for me and talks alot about future plans. He doesnt know I have a 3yr old son. I havent met him yet, and I am meeting him over the weekend. He seems like a great guy and I am only 21 and he is 32. I am hoping if he see’s me and realises how great I am that he will be ok with the whole kid thing:P I am scared he will just leave and I will be devastated as I like him alot.
How do I tell him??? Will he feel I wasnt honest with him???
I mean I have been waiting till we meet, but should I have told him over the phone?
PLEASE HELP!!! SO SCARED!!!