by mssinglemama on November 29, 2007
It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.
I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling - beaming actually - he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.
With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense - having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world - right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?
That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:
6:30-7:00 - wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.
7:00-7:30 - breakfast, breakfast clean up
7:30-8:00 - get everyone dressed, pack up and head out
8:00-8:30 - drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.
8:30-5:00 - work
5:00-5:30 - pick Benjamin up from day care
5:30-6:30 - dinner and play time
6:30-7:00 - bath and pajama time
7:00-7:45 - bedtime
7:45-9:00 - clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower
9:00 - 10:00 - me time
On top of it all - Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing - not once actually in the past six weeks.
I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins - it happens.
I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking - what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list - finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.
by mssinglemama on November 27, 2007
Okay this is weird. My son, is 20 months old. I guess he’s a toddler now, but I still call him a baby. Bear with me, I’m hanging on to his babyhood for as long as I can get away with it. He just learned how to kiss. The first time he pecked me on my lips. That was before I met Kris. Since then he has seen all kind of hugging, hand holding and all around sweet affections which include “adult kisses.” The day he got his first up close look at a real kiss, he was in his car seat. Kris and I were in the front seats of the car saying good bye. Good bye turned into a long and very enjoyable kiss. We like to kiss each other and after all, is it really that bad for Benjamin to see a happy couple? What’s the worst that could happen?
That night I go in for my good night Benjamin kiss. Instead of his sweet pucker, his mouth is open and he’s going for a real kiss. I don’t know how to explain it but it was clear - my baby was trying to make out with me. I immediately realize what’s going on and tell him, “no, no, like this.” I close my lips tight. He won’t have it. He wants to kiss like mommy and her boyfriend. Oh great. This is just great. You can imagine the “horrible mommy” thoughts I’m thinking.
The next day I tell Kris about it - we’re just going to have to peck in front of him, no more kissing. So from that day on, no more “adult kissing” in front of Benjamin. Kris and I make a point to pucker up and kiss like two old people. But we can’t help it and slip up a few times.
This weekend we went on our first road trip together, to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving. Benjamin and Kris were playing together and then it happened, he goes in for a kiss. I didn’t witness this but later that night Kris told me about it. “So, Benjamin tried to kiss me today and I’ve gotta say it was a little creepy. People are going to think he’s weird. What if he tries to make out with another kid at day care?” We’re both cracking up at this point. This is pretty hilarious if you think about it. “He just sees us,” says Kris, “and he wants to get in on the fun.”
So…there’s another tip for dating single moms, don’t kiss the guy in front of your little ones. Well, not when they’re at such an impressionable age. But when I stop to think about it - this is what I do want Benjamin to see and what every child should see - two people who are completely crazy about each other. But…yes, it’s definitely just a little bit creepy. Ughhhh!!! This is SO hard. How in hell am I going to do this? How am I actually going to have a boyfriend and a baby. It just seems a bit overwhelming sometimes.
by mssinglemama on November 22, 2007
I’m packing…well, taking a break at the moment to write. I’m nervous as hell. Not because I have to spend 7 hours in the car with a toddler, but because I have to spend 7 hours in the car with a toddler…and a man. He’s my new man and quite a man at that.
So far he’s been wonderful with Benjamin…but these are three to four hour stretches at best, not an entire weekend together - travelling - to meet my family. Am I insane for inviting him? I don’t feel insane. I feel so good about this. And more than anything, I’m excited to finally get to spend a good chunk of time with Kris. It’s an important test of any relationship to travel together. But is it too early? Am I going to unintentionally scare him off? Will it be too much for him?
Just another adventure for a single dating mom! I love it though…the best thing about being a single mom is that we find the best men - the men willing to do anything for us - including accepting and loving us and our children. The worst part is the risk we have to take in order to find someone. We risk so much more when we date. Can you tell I’m an eternal optimist? And a hopeful romantic. Always have and always will be.
Wish us luck!
by mssinglemama on November 21, 2007
Benjamin woke up last night…at 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back down. Wide awake with a little cough, I decide to take him downstairs to mommy’s bed. Kris was staying over. It’s been five weeks now and this would be his first experience with a fussy baby in the dead of night. Benjamin was lying on my belly, breathing deeply and coughing. “What’s up deep breather?” Kris says.
The two have spent some time together over the past few weeks and Benjamin already feels comfortable around him. Last weekend on our Saturday afternoon Kris stayed until 4:00 in the afternoon, spending the entire day (minus nap time) with Benjamin. The two are like little peas in a pod. They sit together (yes, with Kris, Benjamin actually sits still) coloring, playing, chattering. Now in the middle of the night it’s no different.
We’re all up now. “I should take him upstairs and put in a movie or something, maybe he’ll fall back asleep.” I’m clutching Benjamin, tired and exhausted. Kris says, “I’ll come up too, there’s no way he’ll fall back asleep now that he’s seen me here.” Then he takes Benjamin in his arms and walks up the stairs to the nursery. They sit on the big cozy chair and I pop a movie in.
With Benjamin on his lap, Kris wraps his arms around his little belly and gets comfortable. Then he starts reciting words from the Baby Einstein video. “Flower,” says Kris. “Flower,” pipes Benjamin. Unbelievable. Every other man I’ve had over during a fussy night has just passed back out, ignoring the situation entirely. I knew they clearly weren’t ready for baby land and then eventually broke it off. But this, this is amazing. This is how it should be.
When you’re dating as a single mother, you are more drained than usual. It takes time to be with someone. The time you spend with them is time you are taking away from your child or yourself. The man you’re with should want to help you, should want to be with you even in the tough moments. These, after all, are the moments when we need someone the most. They should make your life easier, not harder.
The two keep watching the movie. I curl up on the floor. I look up at Benjamin in Kris’ lap and have to catch my breath. Is this really happening? Is he really here? Am I dreaming? This is the first time, not even exaggerating here, that someone has helped me with Benjamin in the middle of the night. He’s 20 months old. Even when I was married I would wake up with Benjamin and handle the crying fits on my own. My ex-husband would sleep straight through them.
The next morning Kris wakes up. He’s not upset, he’s not tired or complaining about last night. In fact, he’s in an amazing mood. So am I. And as for little Benjamin, he’s ecstatic. Jumping around, dancing with Kris. Laughing. There’s a lot of laughter, coming from all three of us.
“It’s time to say ‘bye bye’ to Kris baby.” Benjamin starts to pout. “I know, honey, mommy is sad about it to, but we have to say good bye.”
“No,” Kris says, “everyone is sad about it.” Pinch. Pinch. Am I dreaming? Nope. He’s still there. And so am I. This time, I won’t let my fears push him away.
by mssinglemama on November 19, 2007
Being a single mom is tough. But like anything else in life - you get used to it. you adapt, you become stronger and you survive. You also have the power of love on your side - the love you feel for your child is stronger than anything you’ve ever felt - it compels you and drives you day in and day out.
This topic comes to mind today because it’s now the 7th day I’ve had to stay home from work because Benjamin is sick…again. First he had a bacterial infection (nasty cold), then a viral infection (high fever) and now conjunctivitis (pink eye). His father has yet to fix his car, so it’s now been four weeks since we’ve seen him. Keep in mind, other than my ex-husband, I have no one. No family in town. My best friend who’s also a single mom helps out often - but she works too.
It’s the day in and day out duties you assume that can catch up to you if you don’t surround yourself with friends. It’s why I usually have them over two or three nights a week. This way I save money on babysitting and get some healthy adult interaction.
I’ve already told you why I love being a single mom. And I would never have it any other way but today I need to vent about the downsides. Just need to blow some steam.
The toughest aspects of single motherhood:
- It’s all on you. Everything. The groceries, the doctor’s appointments, the clothes shopping, the bills.
- I haven’t slept in (for free) in 20 months. A few times I’ve paid a sitter to stay over night so I could sleep in…but by sleeping in I mean 8:00 a.m.
- I have cleaned the kitchen every night, by myself, for 20 months.
- I have done every load of laundry, every bathroom scrub down and cooked every meal.
- I have to discipline him on my own.
- He gets bored with me …this could all be in my head, but I just think if he had more than one parent around he would be a bit more entertained.
- I can’t give him enough attention. As a single mom you have to make choices. Cook the kid’s dinner or play with him. Hmmm….food. This is just one example.
Okay, now I feel a bit better. And now looking at that list - it doesn’t seem so tough.
The hardest part of all is the idea that I am the only one, the only one who truly knows my son. But even that doesn’t sound harder than being married to his father - that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being miserably married is much harder than being a single mother - I can guarantee it.
by mssinglemama on November 15, 2007
Hi guys. So you’ve fallen for a single mom? I don’t blame you. You’ve found a woman who has been put to one of life’s hardest tests – on her own – and survived. Single mothers are amazing.
But, she’s created a life for her and her little ones and letting anyone in could be risky. If you want in, you’ve got to be patient, understanding and respectful.
You may be feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m hoping these tips will help you out. But first, let me preface it with this…
One guy dating my best single mom friend, Abby, told me, “someone needs to write a book about dating a single mom.” I shook my head, “no, someone needs to write a book about dating Abby.” With or without her daughter, Abby is Abby and she’s a firecracker.
My point. Yes, we are single moms. But kids or no kids, we are still the same people. We still have the same communication issues, the same baggage, the same heart aches, the same dreams, the same goals, the same desires.
With that in mind here are some single mom dating tips for the guys. Moms, check out my single mom dating tips here.
- Be patient. She may seem rough around the edges – that’s her finely tuned defense mechanism. Don’t worry, in time, that tough cookie will crack and you’ll discover a well of the most rewarding love you’ve ever imagined. But until she can completely trust you – hang on for the ride.
- No experience with kids? Who cares. We’re all big kids inside. Were you ever a kid? So you do have some experience! Don’t be afraid to get down on your hands and knees and run around with her little ones. Experience or not. If you love her, loving her kids will come naturally. Just because she’s a single mom doesn’t mean she’s looking for Mr. Super Dad. She’s looking for someone who has the ability to completely and totally love her children.
- She’s testing you. Yes, she’s testing you. She has to. Think about it. Would you want to date a single mom who didn’t have high expectations for who she let’s into her child’s life? Don’t stress out about the tests. Chances are you won’t even notice them. Just be yourself and you’ll pass. The most important thing is to try to understand why she needs to test you. Understand it, respect it and once again, be patient.
- If she hasn’t introduced you to her kids… don’t pressure her and don’t think it means she’s not serious about the relationship. This is not about you. She’s doing what she has to do to protect her family. Once again, understand it, respect it and be patient. Your reaction to these obstacles and your patience will mean everything to her.
- Don’t play games. Single moms don’t have time to play games. If you wait three days to call her play any other dating games she’ll lose patience and probably drop you before you have a chance to hurt her.
- If you aren’t into her – tell her right away. If you don’t have serious intentions or if you don’t think there’s a chance in hell you would ever “settle down” with her than for god’s sake – tell her. You never know, she might be totally up for a casual relationship too. If not, at least you weren’t messing with a single mom, that’s just wrong.
- Treat her like a princess. This applies to dating all women, moms or not. Just didn’t want you to forget it.
- Talk to her about her kids. Ask her how they’re doing. Ask how she’s doing. And listen to her answers.
- If you’re a control freak…you might want to move on. You’re dating a single mom. She’s in control and you might just have to follow her lead for a while before she relinquishes any.
- If you really want to be with her… prove your worth. Not with money, although money is always nice to have. But with actions. What do you bring to the table? These are questions and tests you usually don’t have to ask yourself when dating single, childless women. But with a single mom, life is happening – right now. How will you handle it? Can you clean? Can you cook? No? You better learn or at least try.
- Make her life easier. Single moms don’t like asking for help. Take the initiative. Make her life easier. Maybe it’s making her smile, hugging her, taking out her garbage or bringing over some treats for the kids. Bottom line – if you’re making her life easier you’re in.
What you’ll get in return…you get the girl. And what an amazing girl she is. Good luck!
Here are more tips on How to Date a Single Mom:
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 2
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 3
How to Date a Single Mom, Part 4
[Photo credit: PlanetPersonals.com]
by mssinglemama on November 14, 2007
I don’t know about you, but movies just aren’t the same anymore. A lot of things aren’t. If I am going to take a few hours to sit down and watch one it better be good, or I flip it off within the first 20 minutes.
Last night I watched Paris, Je Taime (Paris, I Love You). It was unbelievable. There are 18, maybe more, short 5 minute love stories from Paris. Love stories you wouldn’t expect. Love between divorced couples, old couples, young couples, friends and a few on the love between a mother and her child. Some made me cry, some made me laugh and some made me believe in love again.
One story shows the strong will and determination of a single mother, completely driven by her love for her son. Warning. This might make you cry.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/RzaIQWQTARo&rel=1]
And the best single mom movie ever…Chocalot, take a peak. This movie has it all. The stresses of being a single mother and the huge benefits. Sex. Love. Chocolate. Johnny Depp. What more could you ask for? And it’s probably one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever seen. Here’s the original preview.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/dLAuf4-a0I4&rel=1]
What are your favorite single mama movies? What about movies for the kids? Do share.
by mssinglemama on November 13, 2007
I’ve been an online dating “lurker” since my divorce. I joined eHarmony on last year’s very depressing Valentine’s Day.
I was still living at my mom’s house which is out in the woods. There were no men in sight except for the biker across the street.
I took the eHarmony personality test. Be careful with this, because once you take it - you never get another chance. Make sure you’re awake, relatively chipper and feeling completely open and honest with yourself.
After the test eHarmony served up my first seven matches. I was excited - “Look, an inbox full of men! Just for me!” But I couldn’t see the photos. They wanted my money. But at the time it wasn’t in the budget - at all - so I started sifting through the descriptions.
One guy actually sneaked his e-mail into his profile, “EHarmony is expensive,” he wrote, “E-mail me at dude@dude.com.” Yay! A guy who likes to beat the system. I like that so I sent him a lonely Valentine’s Day e-mail. Days later there’s still no response. I had even attached a picture. Hmmmm. I forget about it and try to stomach my first virtual rejection. It stings a little.
Three months later I get a response, “Hi, this is Carlise, Dan’s friend. I am checking his e-mail because he actually died in a car accident last October.”
My heart cries for Dan for a moment and then my sympathy for he and his family is replaced wtih anger at eHarmony. How could they do that? Then it hits me. The “matches” on eHarmony are not paying members. Many just popped in, took the personality test, and then never returned - or even worse - died.
I still became a paying member. I’m was too tempted by all of those new “matches” they e-mail you every morning. So after I spent over $100 to activate my account I was like a kid at a candy store - hurrying to scope out every man’s photograph.
I didn’t think one of them was cute. I e-mail a few any way but never got responses - because they’re probably inactive accounts. I e-mailed eHarmony asking for a refund. They told me my matching preferences weren’t broad enough, that I should be open to dating people of all ages from all over the world.
After receiving over 155 matches, only one led to a lunch date, and that was a complete failure.
Bottom line: don’t waste your money on eHarmony.
My friend Abby, my bestest single mom friend, had three very interesting and very good looking dates from Yahoo Personals last week.
The reason Yahoo and Match are better online dating sites than eHarmony:
1. They’re inexpensive.
2. You can see rough dates of when matches last logged in (although both sites should improve this feature).
3. You can control your searches, don’t let a computer match you - especially if 80% of those matches aren’t even active on the site.
See my other online dating entries for more background on this and some very important online dating tips.
by mssinglemama on November 13, 2007
My new boyfriend and I decided to quit smoking - together. It’s the first time I’ve done something together, as a couple in years. Well, if you count my divorce, it’s been nearly a year. Knowing Saturday night was going to be a baby-free all-nighter we pick Sunday to go cold turkey. I’m scared. Scared to quit smoking and scared to enter into a verbal contract with someone - a commitment.
I started smoking the day I realized I was going to leave my husband. He had come home and said he’d been fired from yet another job and that he didn’t want to work again, that he wanted to be a stay at home dad. We didn’t have the money for this scenario and I insisted he go out and look for more work. He refused. At this point he was bailing on me and my baby - that’s when I knew it was completely over. I heard my neighbor walking through the driveway. It was Abby, a single mom. Her daughter was just three at the time.
“Abby? Is that you?” I asked over the fence.
“Ya,” she said. We’d only talked a few times here and there, nothing too in depth. We were just friendly neighbors. She was the single mom, I was the married mom with the newborn, supposed to be completely happy.
“I need to have a cigarrette, and you need to tell me what it’s like to be a single mom because I’m about to be one.” She came running into my yard.
“Oh my god. I’ll be right back.”
It was in this moment as she went on and on about the trials and tribulations but about how ultimately, it was the right thing to do, that I realized the bond single mothers have with each other. Perhaps because we are the only ones - the only ones - who truly understand what the other is going through.
Leaving him, moving back in with my mother and leaving my career was the single most challenging thing I’ve ever done - I needed friends and I chose cigarrettes. Now, one and a half years later, I’m back on my feet. Have my career back, have my real friends and my life back. I don’t need them anymore.
On Sunday morning we quit together, as promised. But then today, Monday, I head into work and feel awful. I actually feel like I’m going to get sick all over my desk. Am I pregant? Nope. Definitely not. Could it be the smoking? I Google it. Yep. Smoking cessation can cause nausea. Weird.
I make it until 5:00 pm and then I have one. I just can’t do this. I can’t go pick up Benjamin like this. This nausea has got to go. The cigarrette doesn’t help. I get home and take my temperature - it’s 101.1. Oh my god. I’m sick. I’ve been home from work nursing Benjamin for weeks, have missed six work days and now I’m sick.
I call Kris. “I cheated. I just couldn’t stand it. I can’t be this sick. I thought it was nausea from not smoking, but I’m just actually sick as hell.”
“Do you really want to quit or not?” He sounds disappointed. I try to defend myself.
“But, I’m a single working mom. Any kind of stress relief I can get is worth it. I can’t be in withdraw around Benjamin. And tonight, being so sick, I nearly broke down in tears.”
(I actually had broken down in tears but didn’t want to tell him this). He still sounds pissed. And he should be - I broke a promise. I call him back later, he apologizes for being “difficult” and I apologize for cheating.
“Do you want me to come over? I can make you some tea, cuddle you down.” He offers.
“Nope…maybe tomorrow night.” Step by step, I tell myself. I can quit smoking with someone, sleep with them, even become emotionally attached to them, but it will be a long, long time before I’m ready to actually ask a man for help. I just can’t. I should call Abby and ask her why.
(P.S., I never smoke around Benjamin or in the house, which is why I really want to quit - it’s getting cold out).
by mssinglemama on November 11, 2007
It’s been four weeks now.
My new relationship status is beginning to sink in.
I have a boyfriend, and I’m actually enjoying it immensely. Usually at this point fear takes over and I start pushing them away. I slowly eject them from my life, or cut it clean depending on my mood. But this time, I’m not feeling that way. I’m not stressed at all. I’m completely comfortable with him and totally into him. So far, the feeling is mutual.
I had him over for dinner on Thursday night. Benjamin was still awake. Kris has seen Benjamin in the mornings briefly but this would be his first evening with us, usually the highlight of my day because Benjamin is chipper, happy and ready to play.
Kris walks in, gives me a hug and then crouches down on his knees, “And, how are you?” He looks at Benjamin and Benjmain stares back. This is odd, usually he flashes a smile and runs away but he can’t take his eyes off of Kris.
Kris leads him into the living room and opens his toy chest. This is a first. Of all of the men I’ve dated since the divorce not one has genuinely just sat down and played with my kid. This used to surprise me because I thought - “If they’re trying to win me over wouldn’t they want to at least try to play with him?” To their credit, some would try, but it was awkward and forced. “I’ve never been around kids,” they would say. “I don’t know what to do.” Kris has never been around kids either, he’s actually only 23. Five years younger than me.
While I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner, I hear Kris talking to Benjamin, he’s calm, assuring and playful. A few hours later I take Benjamin up for bedtime. I come downstairs and all of his toys are cleaned up. Kris had tidied up my living room. I’m now pinching myself.
Kris is still there in the morning. We all eat pancakes together. There’s lots of laughter, more playing and the entire time Benjamin is following Kris around like a little puppy. I put Benjamin down for his nap and say good bye to Kris, we both have to work.
When Benjamin wakes up four hours later (he has a nasty cold which is why I’m home on a Friday) he searches the house for Kris. He’s going from room to room. As soon as he realizes Kris is gone - he starts crying…hard. My heart breaks. What am I doing? What if this doesn’t work out? Where will we be then? Benjamin is clearly well into toddlerhood (20 months) and now he is very well aware of what’s up.
The single mom dating conundrum:
When a man enters our life we want to see how they would fit into our family, or if they can even handle it. But we can’t do it without introducing them to the kids.
The solution:
When Benjamin was a teeny tiny baby, this wasn’t an issue. So everything I’m about to say clearly depends on the age of the children.
I’m not big on the idea of waiting six months to bring a man into my daily routine. I guess it’s because I’m afraid he would be shocked at the reality of how hard it is to raise a toddler and then split. Then I would have invested six months of my time in a guy who wasn’t really there for the right reasons.
The other problem. I am a working single mother. Not bringing him around Benjamin leaves me only a few hours in the late evening. Period. This can get old and can also hurt a budding relationship.
I have learned from my past mishaps not to raise this issue too early. Why? Because there is no way he or you actually know how long this will last yet, and you shouldn’t presume to know that. Once I actually told a guy I was dating, “the only way I can date you is if there’s potential - potential that one day we might get married.” We had only been dating for a few months. I didn’t even want to marry him. Isn’t that crazy? I just had to rationalize why I was spending time away from my son - to myself. In the end that one just fizzled out but the moral of the story is - it could have been more fun if I would have left my drama in my head. I’m thinking this is probably a good conversation to have 6-8 months in to a relationship. Just a hunch, but to each his own.
My solution: I am going to keep Kris’ encounters with Benjamin to a minimum for the next few months, but he will have a few. Because I also want someone to fall in love with my son, not just me…we are a package deal.
