by mssinglemama on November 29, 2007
It’s less than one month away from Christmas. I have yet to buy a single present. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to afford them, let alone have the time to actually shop for them.
I was giving Benjamin his bath tonight and started humming a Christmas carol. I can never remember the words to songs, I have always just been a hummer. So, I’m humming along, he’s smiling – beaming actually – he loves music. And then I stop. It hits me like a ton of bricks. It’s all on me. Not just the house, the groceries, the daily cleaning (which I hate), the dressing, the cooking…but also, the teaching, the knowledge, the culture, the little things.
With one parent missing in action it means I will have to fill in all of the gaps. It just makes sense – having two parents in the house naturally means the child will have more interaction, more conversations, hear more conversations and in general, learn a lot more about the world – right? Oh man. This is going to get even harder isn’t it?
That’s how I’m feeling today. Very overwhelmed. Every once in a while it catches up to me. After night after night, day after day or the same routine. Here’s my Monday-Friday routine if anyone is curious:
6:30-7:00 – wake up, depending on when Benjamin wakes up.
7:00-7:30 – breakfast, breakfast clean up
7:30-8:00 – get everyone dressed, pack up and head out
8:00-8:30 – drop Benjamin off at day care, drive to work.
8:30-5:00 – work
5:00-5:30 – pick Benjamin up from day care
5:30-6:30 – dinner and play time
6:30-7:00 – bath and pajama time
7:00-7:45 – bedtime
7:45-9:00 – clean the kitchen, laundry, take my shower
9:00 – 10:00 – me time
On top of it all – Benjamin’s father hasn’t shown up now in six weeks. Six weeks. He called and left a message this weekend saying he was trying to save up money for a new car, but that it could be a while. He was returning my call when he left that message. He never calls me to see how Benjamin is doing – not once actually in the past six weeks.
I am completely alone. Some single moms have parents nearby or other helpful relatives. I have no one. And now his father is even completely out of the picture. Sorry I’m feeling a bit down tonight. Ups, downs and the spins – it happens.
I heard a contest on a radio show the other day… a quiz question, “what do mothers daydream about the most?” I listened as the moms called in, “a maid,” said one, “sleep,” said another. I had to jump out of the car and didn’t hear the official answer. But it got me thinking – what do I daydream about the most? A vacation, definitely up there. But on the top of the list – finding a partner…someone who loves Benjamin and I more than anything in the world. A maid would be nice too. Come to think of it, a maid/nanny might do the trick. I do have a spare room. Hmmmm….I wonder if she could sing some Christmas carols.
by mssinglemama on November 27, 2007
Okay this is weird. My son, is 20 months old. I guess he’s a toddler now, but I still call him a baby. Bear with me, I’m hanging on to his babyhood for as long as I can get away with it. He just learned how to kiss. The first time he pecked me on my lips. That was before I met Kris. Since then he has seen all kind of hugging, hand holding and all around sweet affections which include “adult kisses.” The day he got his first up close look at a real kiss, he was in his car seat. Kris and I were in the front seats of the car saying good bye. Good bye turned into a long and very enjoyable kiss. We like to kiss each other and after all, is it really that bad for Benjamin to see a happy couple? What’s the worst that could happen?
That night I go in for my good night Benjamin kiss. Instead of his sweet pucker, his mouth is open and he’s going for a real kiss. I don’t know how to explain it but it was clear – my baby was trying to make out with me. I immediately realize what’s going on and tell him, “no, no, like this.” I close my lips tight. He won’t have it. He wants to kiss like mommy and her boyfriend. Oh great. This is just great. You can imagine the “horrible mommy” thoughts I’m thinking.
The next day I tell Kris about it – we’re just going to have to peck in front of him, no more kissing. So from that day on, no more “adult kissing” in front of Benjamin. Kris and I make a point to pucker up and kiss like two old people. But we can’t help it and slip up a few times.
This weekend we went on our first road trip together, to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving. Benjamin and Kris were playing together and then it happened, he goes in for a kiss. I didn’t witness this but later that night Kris told me about it. “So, Benjamin tried to kiss me today and I’ve gotta say it was a little creepy. People are going to think he’s weird. What if he tries to make out with another kid at day care?” We’re both cracking up at this point. This is pretty hilarious if you think about it. “He just sees us,” says Kris, “and he wants to get in on the fun.”
So…there’s another tip for dating single moms, don’t kiss the guy in front of your little ones. Well, not when they’re at such an impressionable age. But when I stop to think about it – this is what I do want Benjamin to see and what every child should see – two people who are completely crazy about each other. But…yes, it’s definitely just a little bit creepy. Ughhhh!!! This is SO hard. How in hell am I going to do this? How am I actually going to have a boyfriend and a baby. It just seems a bit overwhelming sometimes.
by mssinglemama on November 22, 2007
I’m packing…well, taking a break at the moment to write. I’m nervous as hell. Not because I have to spend 7 hours in the car with a toddler, but because I have to spend 7 hours in the car with a toddler…and a man. He’s my new man and quite a man at that.
So far he’s been wonderful with Benjamin…but these are three to four hour stretches at best, not an entire weekend together – travelling – to meet my family. Am I insane for inviting him? I don’t feel insane. I feel so good about this. And more than anything, I’m excited to finally get to spend a good chunk of time with Kris. It’s an important test of any relationship to travel together. But is it too early? Am I going to unintentionally scare him off? Will it be too much for him?
Just another adventure for a single dating mom! I love it though…the best thing about being a single mom is that we find the best men – the men willing to do anything for us – including accepting and loving us and our children. The worst part is the risk we have to take in order to find someone. We risk so much more when we date. Can you tell I’m an eternal optimist? And a hopeful romantic. Always have and always will be.
Wish us luck!
by mssinglemama on November 21, 2007
Benjamin woke up last night…at 3:30 a.m. and wouldn’t go back down. Wide awake with a little cough, I decide to take him downstairs to mommy’s bed. Kris was staying over. It’s been five weeks now and this would be his first experience with a fussy baby in the dead of night. Benjamin was lying on my belly, breathing deeply and coughing. “What’s up deep breather?” Kris says.
The two have spent some time together over the past few weeks and Benjamin already feels comfortable around him. Last weekend on our Saturday afternoon Kris stayed until 4:00 in the afternoon, spending the entire day (minus nap time) with Benjamin. The two are like little peas in a pod. They sit together (yes, with Kris, Benjamin actually sits still) coloring, playing, chattering. Now in the middle of the night it’s no different.
We’re all up now. “I should take him upstairs and put in a movie or something, maybe he’ll fall back asleep.” I’m clutching Benjamin, tired and exhausted. Kris says, “I’ll come up too, there’s no way he’ll fall back asleep now that he’s seen me here.” Then he takes Benjamin in his arms and walks up the stairs to the nursery. They sit on the big cozy chair and I pop a movie in.
With Benjamin on his lap, Kris wraps his arms around his little belly and gets comfortable. Then he starts reciting words from the Baby Einstein video. “Flower,” says Kris. “Flower,” pipes Benjamin. Unbelievable. Every other man I’ve had over during a fussy night has just passed back out, ignoring the situation entirely. I knew they clearly weren’t ready for baby land and then eventually broke it off. But this, this is amazing. This is how it should be.
When you’re dating as a single mother, you are more drained than usual. It takes time to be with someone. The time you spend with them is time you are taking away from your child or yourself. The man you’re with should want to help you, should want to be with you even in the tough moments. These, after all, are the moments when we need someone the most. They should make your life easier, not harder.
The two keep watching the movie. I curl up on the floor. I look up at Benjamin in Kris’ lap and have to catch my breath. Is this really happening? Is he really here? Am I dreaming? This is the first time, not even exaggerating here, that someone has helped me with Benjamin in the middle of the night. He’s 20 months old. Even when I was married I would wake up with Benjamin and handle the crying fits on my own. My ex-husband would sleep straight through them.
The next morning Kris wakes up. He’s not upset, he’s not tired or complaining about last night. In fact, he’s in an amazing mood. So am I. And as for little Benjamin, he’s ecstatic. Jumping around, dancing with Kris. Laughing. There’s a lot of laughter, coming from all three of us.
“It’s time to say ‘bye bye’ to Kris baby.” Benjamin starts to pout. “I know, honey, mommy is sad about it to, but we have to say good bye.”
“No,” Kris says, “everyone is sad about it.” Pinch. Pinch. Am I dreaming? Nope. He’s still there. And so am I. This time, I won’t let my fears push him away.
by mssinglemama on November 19, 2007
Being a single mom is tough. But like anything else in life – you get used to it. you adapt, you become stronger and you survive. You also have the power of love on your side – the love you feel for your child is stronger than anything you’ve ever felt – it compels you and drives you day in and day out.
This topic comes to mind today because it’s now the 7th day I’ve had to stay home from work because Benjamin is sick…again. First he had a bacterial infection (nasty cold), then a viral infection (high fever) and now conjunctivitis (pink eye). His father has yet to fix his car, so it’s now been four weeks since we’ve seen him. Keep in mind, other than my ex-husband, I have no one. No family in town. My best friend who’s also a single mom helps out often – but she works too.
It’s the day in and day out duties you assume that can catch up to you if you don’t surround yourself with friends. It’s why I usually have them over two or three nights a week. This way I save money on babysitting and get some healthy adult interaction.
I’ve already told you why I love being a single mom. And I would never have it any other way but today I need to vent about the downsides. Just need to blow some steam.
The toughest aspects of single motherhood:
- It’s all on you. Everything. The groceries, the doctor’s appointments, the clothes shopping, the bills.
- I haven’t slept in (for free) in 20 months. A few times I’ve paid a sitter to stay over night so I could sleep in…but by sleeping in I mean 8:00 a.m.
- I have cleaned the kitchen every night, by myself, for 20 months.
- I have done every load of laundry, every bathroom scrub down and cooked every meal.
- I have to discipline him on my own.
- He gets bored with me …this could all be in my head, but I just think if he had more than one parent around he would be a bit more entertained.
- I can’t give him enough attention. As a single mom you have to make choices. Cook the kid’s dinner or play with him. Hmmm….food. This is just one example.
Okay, now I feel a bit better. And now looking at that list – it doesn’t seem so tough.
The hardest part of all is the idea that I am the only one, the only one who truly knows my son. But even that doesn’t sound harder than being married to his father – that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Being miserably married is much harder than being a single mother – I can guarantee it.
