MIA Daddy…wow, what a relief.

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His car is totalled. A mishap of pure stupidity and irresponsibility, the Ex drove his car without oil.

Now it will cost more than the car is worth to fix it, which means he has no way to make the hour and a half trip to see his son - indefinitely. It is such a relief.

I know this is horrible, I know I should be feeling sorry for him. But it has been years and years of me sitting here making excuses for him. And for this, there is no excuse. He’s an idiot. The man has nothing to his name and mountains and mountains of debt and he drives his one possession into the ground. Nope. No sympathy this time. I’m done with it. Today, Benjamin didn’t even notice as I drove him to daycare instead of our usual Tuesday routine - waking up to Daddy.

We have an odd situation. The Ex actually doesn’t have his own house so he spends his two days with Benjamin in mine. Very interesting. We are daddyless and then all of sudden - he’s here. He walks in Monday mornings at 8:30, giving me just 10 minutes to brief him on Benjamin’s week and the down low on meals, etc.

Typically on Mondays and Tuesday nights I come home to find Benjamin tuckered out, very hungry and acting like a little tyrant. The Ex is very, very sensitive to any suggestion that he does not know his son as well as I do. This even though during his absent days I rarely ever get a phone call from him and when I do he usually never asks about Benjamin. I have to volunteer the days news. So naturally when he’s with his father Benjamin’s routine is shot to hell and so are his naptimes and eating habits.

On top of this Ex usually has some put downs to toss my way, including but not limited to:

• You’re not really alone. We (meaning he and Benjamin’s sitter) spend more time with him than you do.
• You chose this. It was your choice to be a single mom.

And then there’s always the stories about his new girlfriend and her son. I hadn’t realized how much his presence was stressing me out. It’s just that even seeing him, seeing him try to “act” like the perfect father, just that alone actually makes me a bit queasy. It’s like this psuedo-reality and Benjamin has to sense it too.

So this comes back to the burning question - would we be better off without him around at all? I just have this horrible vision of Benjamin when he’s two or three expecting his father to come and then being let down, again and again.

I know I have to let things shake out and I will never do anything to push him away from his son. The door always has and always will be open. I just wish he could be the man I thought he was when I married him - completely in love and devoted to his family. The one thing I haven’t heard since the car bit it, “God, this is horrible. I miss Benjamin.”

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Filed under: The Daily Grind, The Father (My Ex)