Dead beat dads…or dads who just don’t care? What’s the difference?
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My son’s father called yesterday, on a Saturday. This is rare. I think I can count on my hands how many times he has called outside of his two days with Benjamin since I left 15 months ago.
“My car is dead, I won’t be coming Monday,” he says. “What? Why? Where are you?” I ask. “45 minutes from Columbus.” My heart skips a bit, was he trying to come visit Benjamin, as a surprise? Nope. “I am on my way back from Columbus, I was up there to see a friend.” Ohhhhh….now my blood is boiling. He drove all the way up here and didn’t even stop in for a quick visit. “Why did it break down?” He is still completely calm, like this is no big deal. He was driving it without oil. Now, this happens to some of us, and it sucks. But this happened to the Ex because he is completely and totally irresponsible. I don’t know much about cars but I’m pretty sure his is probably fried.
He is in a world of hurt financially so there’s no way he’ll be able to buy a new car. I tell him he’ll have to pay for daycare on Monday and Tuesday. He says - fine, no problem. But I know he doesn’t have the cash…at all. So, in five minutes I realize I am going to have to pay for full-time daycare. Benjamin will have to spend five days in daycare indefinitely and his father isn’t even phased.
This has been a fear of mine since leaving the Ex… my fear, sometimes my hope (I have to admit sometimes I think we would be better off if he just wasn’t around at all), has been that he will become completely overwhelmed with all of his debt and just up and leave for Canada. I married him after we’d only known each other for three months, because he needed a green card and we were in love. I was young and very, very naive.
So…I have a very, very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. I just tried to call him and there was no answer. He might stay for a while, but if that car is completely dead and he can’t get from point A to point B, what is he going to do? His girlfriend might be able to drive him around but she’s a single mom too. Yes, there is another woman as stupid as I was. I actually want to call her sometimes and just warn her. I feel more connected to this single mother who I haven’t even met than Ex-man.
The Ex has problems. His is a very sad story, which is why I stayed with him throughout my pregnancy. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Hoping that once the baby arrived he would change. When I told him I was leaving he didn’t even ask about custody or fight for it. As far as child support goes - he pays the bare minimum because I don’t report the cost of childcare, rent … nothing. I did this knowing that he was broke and knowing that if I claimed the full amount he would leave the country.
So this is my perpetual question - would it be better for Benjamin if he did leave? Wouldn’t it be better if he left now while Benjamin is still too young to know anything? Maybe he won’t leave - maybe he’ll stay and magically turn into a fantastic father. I do know one thing - I don’t want to do anything that drives him away. My worst fear is Benjamin growing up and then blaming me for the fact that his father isn’t around. I know this is a bit irrational and now that he’s getting older I’m becoming even more and more protective of him. Now it’s not his immediate health I’m worried about constantly - it’s his little heart.
Technically he’s not a dead beat dad, thanks to the state of Ohio’s fantastic child support system, the money comes straight out of his paycheck. But isn’t a father who doesn’t even care also a dead beat dad? I am lucky to recieve the child support, although so scant. I can’t even imagine having a true dead beat ex…but mine is pretty damn close to one.
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Filed under: My little guy, The Father (My Ex), Why I am a single mother
If you ever figure out the answer to this, let me know! lol
I understand how you feel though. Sometimes I think I would be better off if the ex just disappeared, but then I see how much my 11yo loves his dad, and I know that his leaving isn’t really such a good idea after all.
I think all of us have these thoughts from time to time. I’m hoping only hoping that, as the children grow older and the divorce is further in the past, that it gets easier.
Good luck to you!
I”m in similar situation with the “not technically a dead beat” and girl if there was anyway that my son’s father (32yr) would just go away and come back when he’s ready to fully commit to be a father it would truely be a blessing. Us mothers are going to get blamed either way so pick your poison. Personally I feel that more damage is done when you have a “half assed” broken promise making unreliable father around not showing up for birthdays, Christmas, football games. Can’t even depend on him to be available in case of an emergency. Leaving our children emmotional wreck looking for an explaination for it all ,yet are too young to truely understand our answers. You know how much it hurts your heart to see your son stood up by his dad, imagine how your son feels and how years of that shit will effect him. mentally. We have a responsibility as mothers to protect our kids from people hurting our kids, whether its his father or grandmother, whoever. Now we may have started off making the bad decision of who we laid down and made a baby with, and of course if we could (or haven’t tried already) teach or like you said magically make them step up to the plate we wouldn’t hesitate for the sake of our children. But this reality of it is…we can’t. We have a hard enough job being women trying to raise a man, but it’s been done and they turn out fine. I think it should be illegal to give legal rights as a parent just as long as they pay childsupport, but unless they physically hurt him or something sick they can play parent at their convience while emmotionally fuckin up our kids!! Now let a struggling single mother leave her child in the car for less than 2 mins to buy milk, and they’ll take the child away and make her take parenting classes, drug tests, and the everything else to prove she’s a good parent. But Men? Just pay childsupport and haven’t technically abandoned their kids, deserve the same parental right as me? shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!
I can relate. Here’s my rant: I have been systematically harassed by my ex, who was having an affair, sued me for alimony, lied about his income (which hovers around $100k++) and only is mandated to pay $300 per month for two children. He waits for 59 days give or take, and then will finally pay, while I cover ALL expenses from childcare, to healthcare to food, clothing, tuition and extras. Meanwhile, he offers no help for extra curricular activities, stating that he doesn’t want to “step on the toes of my family’s generosity”. I’m sorry….did my family marry me? Did they decide suddenly, in a moment of incestuous insanity to father my children? Psycho.
He owes my father approx. $10k. He’s made it his job to harass me, and I’ve been divorced 4 yrs, but accumulated $8k this past year in attny’s fees “defending” myself against contempt claims that were untrue, DCF reports that were false, and kept taking the “high road” because I was concerned about the effect on the children. That backfired, because my daughter started feeling like I just “gave up”. Well, NO MORE! I have had enough of the abuse, and have decided that if the courts will do nothing to help the children and I, then BRING IT ON BITCH! I will make it MY JOB to make sure that my children and I have the quality of life we deserve - with or WITHOUT his pathetic, late child support and idiotic attempts at parenting. I wish he’d just move back to his hometown, 2k miles away, and disappear! He’s a LOSER, Disney-Land Dad who is an impresario in emotional incest with my daughter, and over indulges my little boy to the point where the child needs to be reprogrammed for 24 hours when he gets home. My daughter doesn’t even want to go there anymore…..He’s disgusting, and so are the family courts. What a joke. Best interest of the children???? The courts may as well just start paying for the kids’ therapy sessions now. Try co-parenting with an alcoholic, abusive asshole who has a borderline personality disorder with co-morbid narcissism, your honor and has introduced my children to so many women, they can’t keep track anymore…..then we can discuss “best interest of the children”. He deserves to be institutionalized. This system is a grade-A JOKE. UGH!
Seems it’s unanimous - having a dad who’s “kind of” around can be much more of a pain than having one who is never around. I guess we have to take the higher ground and remember that every kid needs a father - bad or not. Right? Right. I keep telling myself that anyway. This weekend his dad took him on a 4×4 ride. He’s not even 2 yet!!! I thought I was going to kill him. Sheesh. Men.
You seem to be trapped in the throes of “normal”… It took a good 10 years before my X came around to anything resembling PARENTING. Simply resign yourself to the fact that the standards - ie: Daddy dearest - that you have set for Ben’s father will NEVER match and he knows it. You have probably spoken (or unconciously) let on what a GREAT Dad YOUR Dad was. Your Quebecer will be hard pressed to even come close. He married you for the Green card baby.
If he decides to come through as a Daddy, consider it a BONUS. You’re on-your-own. PERIOD.
Hugs and Kisses. (For BEN! - Not you!
ps: I need a new radio sexretary.
[...] in a closet and force him to spend more time with his son. By the way, he was a no show last week (car problems again) and even though he hadn’t seen him in two weeks he tried to drop him off at my [...]
I don’t know which is better. My biological sperm donor lived in the same city with us for my whole life. He was more than allowed to see me, but chose not too.
He did not pay child support or alimony. He also expected my mother to buy his 50% share of the house. She did.
I am not sure which is better. But sometimes I do wonder what the other side is like. Especially now as I consider as a woman about to have children. But life is good without any complications.
Now I know what I have to look forward to…. I’m 4 months pregnant and the “father” has made it clear he wants nothing to do with it. We dated a few months, then I found out he was seeing other girls… great guy, huh? Well, as much as I thought about abortion i also thought about life… and I really want this baby. My family, surprisingly, wants this baby. I say surprisingly considering the circumstances. Seems like everyone in my life is completely supportive… except the one guy who should be!! I know when push comes to shove, I will be alone raising a child. Recent studies show that kids, boys especially, become irritable, hard to talk to, and even violent if their fathers abandon them. But I’m wondering, if they never knew their dad from the get- go will it still have a negative affect? Stay strong ladies!!! You’re doing the right thing by letting their dads be dads… in the mean time I’m looking forward for a real man to come in my life one day!!! Not to mention, I have two amazing brothers-in-law who will be around a lot that are great examples of what a real men are like. So, I’m finding the silver lining on what seems to be a very dark cloud!